Original subtitles

[Music]

[Music]

the Colgate comedy

arm starring Dean Martin and Jerry

Lewis presented by the Colgate palal of

Pete company makers

of Halo shampoo to glorify your

hair and Ajax the foaming action

cleanser and now the de Martin and Jerry

Lewis company with Helen o Connell fan

Niles and lad lion musical Direction by

dick steil written by Ed Simmons and

Norman leer choreography by FIA Niles

settings by Theodore Cooper NBC

production supervisor Sam Fuller

television director Kingman Seymour

produced and directed by Ernest D

[Music]

gutzman Hi H

pleas fellow members of the cure the

common coal committee it is with great

pleasure that I welcome you here

tonight as you know our organization has

been active for the past years with but

one purpose in mind to find a cure for

that scourge of mankind the common cold

friends this is our success meeting the

cure for the common cold has been

found

The Cure was discovered by two young men

from the University of Vienna and they

are here with us tonight ladies and

gentlemen the men who have completely

outwitted Medical Science in the

discovery of the cure for the common

cold professors Martin and

[Music]

Louis

ladies and gentlemen I know you're all

anxious to meet these boys these two

young gentlemen and here they are well

we were standing in here you know it

didn't look for a while like they were

going to get here I want to happen at

summer time we were very nervous about

the whole thing we were sitting in the

I'm glad to see that they f finally

right I say that the last year you know

their being here reminds me of a story

we don't want to hear I was in Vio

myself for about 20 years when I was in

the Vienna I said and I was with another

group of doctors at the time you see

yeah funny thing

happened but I have no more noise

here thank you very

much Pi it this way

when the gold strikes a human

being it's enough to make someone stick

is it right that's right

H we sit in the laboratory night and day

night and day night and day

you all right the FR I mean all right

FR so we figured it you got the V with

you the test tube I got what you got the

test tube so we can show them what we

have accomplished in our voice it took

us years and years and

years

thanks in this test Tu we have

337,000 cold

gam that's a lot of germs kid that's a

lot of GS a

kid when we discovered the cure for the

CRI we didn't

ever

don't get excited we have the Cure we

the just kill

[Music]

[Music]

all there you go every time we're on a

Colgate show we always start start off

like this and you got to L me up why do

you do this to me well I didn't want to

be shut up let me say a couple words

course say anything you want all I know

is I didn't want any part of that you

had a whole brilliant idea don't argue

with me cuz I don't want to have no part

of no arguments I don't want any part

arguments just introduce my song okay

shley okay

shelma no never see anything like that

he makes me do those things and then I

always get all the blame for it that's

not fair do you

think we have a show tonight that we

figure is probably one of the finest

things that's ever happened on

television now I know what I'm talking

about because I've been in this business

close to a

week and you oh and you be would you

excuse me no I was talking to him and I

just thought no would you mind excusing

us for a minute because I was telling no

if you don't mind I would well I don't

know which camera is on and oh there you

are up there haai why don't you get out

of here you're drunk both of

you look the way they follow you can't

do what

I'm oh they're going mad both of

them nobody sees what I'm doing at

home but uh seriously ladies and

gentlemen we're very very happy to have

you folks here tonight because we have a

show that we think is one of the slowest

moving things

you the reason I'm laughing is cuz I had

lived it and I didn't know it was going

to be

funny

anyhow I would like to Hell little there

I would like don't you take my picture

without getting permission from me at

any time

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I walked out of the cameras and they're

not allowed to turn it around to the

audience so they were all

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saying I would like to introduce my

partner ladies and gentlemen who's going

to sing one of the most beautiful tunes

of the entire year

entitled what's he going to sing dick

would I love you if you like I don't

mind I

I'll be all right and uh he does what I

love you from that wonderful picture

Lassie bites

Irma a

ja Colgate new Ajax cleans your kitchen

sink far brighter with half the effort

use Aja the foaming

cleer get things clean just like a whz

you stop paying the elbow tax when you

start cleaning with Ajax so use

ainger the down

the Ajax leaves no gritty cleanser scum

in tub or sink so use Aja the foing

cleanser get C just like

a Ajax the new scouring cleanser Foams

as it cleans Ajax Cuts grease faster

than any other leading cleanser Ajax

polishes with half the

effort and it smells good too

so

ax Ajax polishes as it cleans it leaves

no gritty cleanser scum it cuts grease

in a jiffy and it has a pleasant

fragrance get AJ for your bathroom a can

for the kitchen too Ajax the foaming

[Music]

cleanser good morning Stan well good

morning Mr n say it's beautiful day for

golf isn't it oh beautiful day for golf

is my caddy ready yes yes yes all ready

and waiting Teddy Mr n oh good morning

Mr n good morning young man are we all

set everything's all ready sir well

let's be off ni luck Davis good

game wow hello

Stanley how you been to see good to see

you where in the world have you been oh

I've been in court

oh not you know you got a caddy around

here for me yes yes just F we have a

caddy somewhere Cy hope it's a good

caddy oh yeah I like good

[Music]

catties when I do a swing you see I take

I take my full swing and it seems that

that my hands slip oh no excuse me for

interrupting there buddy but you see

you've got to keep this arm up there at

all times because in order to get that

clear swing you've got to keep moving

now keep that arm s his flank

B he's not well and uh you just swing

complete through keep the eye on the

ball follow it through and then swing it

around get away from me I'm just trying

to help the you just tore up all the

gr now look just get my bag get sister

Martin's bag shut up a minute come on

let my partner ad live it's not real

grass all right get the bag oh oh you

want your bag all right I'll go get

it now as I was saying Stanley you see

this grip it slips you I want some

rubber put around here so that I can

hold

[Music]

the here you're going to make this your

life's

work well come on here let me help you

yeah pretty heavy boy now you take good

care of

him wow if that's a caddy I'll take a

Hudson let's go come on let's

go all right let me have my

driver what let me have the driver oh

excuse me for being impertinent sir but

I think that you should really use the

nibbling you use a driver on the first

po the first

te well that's probably the way you

figure it but I use a

nippet I'll use a driver if you don't

mind well that's the way you want it

buddy okay what's your name Melvin well

Melvin you always

Melvin you always a driver I use a niick

myself you just hit the

trees going to planted them farther

[Music]

away why don't we use the why don't we

move I forget it

yeah you always use a driver Melvin yeah

Melvin what a okay

ni driver

ni

driver for the last time always use a

driver don't ever let me catch you

saying niick

again

what's over there well that's a

green look at that same thing as over

there give me another ball yes sir

boy hey someone stole your ball nobody

stole my ball I just hit it why were you

mad at

it shut up now let's go find yeah let

go

no that's not it that's not it well why

don't you use a new ball sir huh you

can't you find the ball no you got to

use this ball that's a Max Fly it's a

Dunlop Max Fly a Dunlop Max Fly good

heavens we might as well find

it you sure you hit it sure I hit did

you hide it or hit it I hit it see I use

the word hide and hit at the same time

get out of here all

righty hey there it is why you s you

that's my ball here's your ball Mr

Martin that's not my ball why was yours

tan that's my ball give me that I ought

to poke you right in the nose you keep

away from me buddy he's probably a cheap

Tipper right what he

is I know that I love you more drop my

caddy come on let me have the seven iron

the seven iron yes sir yes sir seven

here baby here baby here sweetheart come

on darling come here sister come here

doggy here baby you lost enough the

sketch hurry up you don't get

[Music]

paidy down come

here the do is supposed to lay down come

here baby the dog forget the dog forget

the dog just move back while I hit this

yeah forget the dog buddy don't get

excited L up the whole

bit doing your stinking

[Music]

ideas you're in a sand trap in a sand

trap well that's the way it

goes give me the nibbling

I knew you'd come around on my way of

thinking I needed for the sand trap yeah

you had your chance buddy but you blew

it give me the

N

okay welcome to

[Music]

Pittsburgh

you don't think I saw him

cheat well what do you know finally made

it pretty good boy yes sir what's par on

this hole oh three sir just made it

three well that's the way I'll have none

of this sir put down three I certainly

will not sir I belong to the cat's

Association and we're known for honesty

for the heart and soul of a dignified

man to go on through life doing the

honest thing never to cheat never to do

the wrong thing and I certainly won't be

any part of any fraud that you want to

be any part

of all right I'll admit I cheated a wee

bit yes sir give me four that's

different Hello darling hello where you

been I thought I'd find you out here he

in a sound trap

again he's in a trap again is he sure

yeah this man oh this is Melvin this is

philli hello Melvin hello

Melvin what is this bit what do you call

this you met me you said Melvin

Melvin and then she says hello Melvin

Melvin now I just what if I said hello

phis

Philly

hello what's wrong with with my name

Melvin m e lb I Melvin

NE

Melvin get off of this I'm not getting

off I work

here I'll give you some of this stop it

he's just a young boy I don't want you

to be cross with him he's a young boy

you want a bet now supposing he'd like

to play golf did you ever think of that

come on Melvin I'll show you how honey

get your hands off me l I don't even

know

you phis this is

Melvin

Melvin well all right you show me how

you'd hit a ball I know how to hit a

ball lady well show

[Music]

me you keep my hands of yourself buddy I

didn't touch you

buer I'm War you I didn't catch you bu

Somebody's knocking the devil out of

me now why don't you stop you don't know

how to play golf I want to show you a

good trick you remember William Tell

sure he used to play with Duke Ellington

didn't he

no no William to happened to shoot an

apple off of somebody's head you're

killing no I'm a tad whats a

Lu I fig I'll do a trick you see I'm

going to shoot a golf ball off of your

head well goodbye here we go oh darling

you think you're sure I it's in the

script I know what I'm doing lay down

yeah but I don't think you know what

you're doing sir I know what I'm doing

sir yeah but I'm not sure sir yeah here

now you hold right I'll just pee it up

right here you hold it there yeah now

I'll get my dver oh I'm very scared I

don't mind telling you oh you all right

there's one of my better

trcks all right now ready here we

go give me my

ball give me my ball

[Music]

Melvin

all

[Music]

right how do you

feel I didn't mind that a lot you didn't

mind it no I enjoyed that very much want

to play some more I got a little Punchy

but that was fun I like get out open

never no one else have Bo never had it

[Music]

[Music]

wrong it's not very pretty is it a dirty

greasy frying pan crusted with burned

bits of fried liver and it's not at all

easy to clean either unless you do it

with Ajax the foaming cleanser because

Ajax cleans your pots and pans twice as

easy and twice as fast as any other

leading cleanser just watch I shake Ajax

in just a

[Music]

little those foaming action Suds go

right to work lifting grease and dirt in

a

Jeffy

floating it right down the

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drain ah your pen shines like a bright

new

Penny and there are many other things

you'll like about Ajax it polishes as it

cleans it leaves no gritty cleanser scum

it's kind to your hands and it has a

wonderful fragrance get two cans of Ajax

one to use in the kitchen and one for

the bathroom too Ajax the foaming

[Music]

cleanser I'm

tired ladies and gentlemen Dean and I

are very very proud to say that we

introduced two young people on our show

on February the 4th that did such a

magnificent job that we had to ask him

to come back we pay him

so they're very wonderful performers

we'd like you to see this very wonderful

number they're about to do Bob FY Cory

Agra Kreg raft and he showed them how to

do it and uh he very lovely cohort Miss

Marian ises we show you the very

beautiful conception of their premise of

a word entitled you've never loved but

still in all well

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

thank

you

to matter someone

sick don't talk loud in the

library you have to chew that loud I

paid a penny and I'm going to get my

pennies worth

sir

for

[Music]

don't shush me I run this library is it

a civil service job yes well let's be a

little more

civil now what is what can I do for you

oh I don't know I just stand here and I

want to return some of these books why

what's wrong with

it oh there's nothing wrong with him sir

I just finished him using him and I

don't want him no more all right let me

ask all

righty

oh

[Music]

[Music]

SC

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you sure read a lot don't you oh no sir

I just use these to build tunnels for my

electric tr get away

from what is that this is for our Weenie

Roast down at the annual W dang sunnd

all right give me your

card give me a card will buddy I must

have left my card home I don't care

where you must have left it give me the

car I don't got it you don't got it what

kind of English this is I don't got

it that's as bad as up the street the

soldiers they're coming

down going to talk English let's talk it

right Buster what do you want from me

all I know is I ain't got a card what do

you want well get a card maybe I can

borrow my friend Herby go ahead borrow

Herby I'll call Herby where's Herby live

oh just about a mile from here all right

Callin

hi well he's got to hear me don't he use

the telephone oh hello H me the operator

for the number operator do you know her

me give me the

number the operator's name is

Herby now come on Melvin get Melvin no

that's the

other oh operator would you please be

good enough to get me Academy

72467

24771 329

984

72111 one11 one11 1 8

239

7266 54

44444

293

3 6 to

9 carry the numbers has changed to

Academy

three 65

8473 6 57 8 9 5 4

68

now you going get out of here you hear

me get out of

here boy oh boy sir if I ran a library

if I even worked in one I I would never

ever treat kids like that you sure sure

I'm sure well I'm looking for a man like

you you like to have a job

here say yes

yes

[Music]

how can you forget one line

look now you know what you have to do in

the library no sir you keep the books in

place keep them nice and neat and clean

and Above All Above All keep those

people

quiet yes sir you are now in charge

all right let's keep this quiet in

it we don't want people standing talking

and makeing noise because we're running

a library

here shut

up no in a library let's keep it quiet

buddy let's keep it quiet buddy noin in

a library budy when it's in the library

we don't

[Music]

want shut

[Music]

up you trying to do ruin me H aren't you

overacting a little

bit I'm going

here what it looks like you were dying

for a minute that's why are you I'm

going to give you

another come on let's do the sketch get

the money and get out of

it see this customer coming in yeah

check them out yes sir I can do that

fine I watched the way you did

it I like to take this book out all

right both the hand they me

all right stamp him out yes sir re boy

stamp this man

[Music]

out

[Music]

[Music]

[Laughter]

yeah

[Laughter]

[Applause]

you

[Music]

deser get out of my place get out of my

library I'm not leaving till I get the

book I came for sir you

promise you promise yes I leave but

first I want that book I came for all

right what would you like to read goer

traval go what goer traval and I want

the book now Gus travel yes sir do you

happen to know where that book is no I

don't but I want that book and I want it

know will you get the book yes sir if I

will up

there well I want that book and I'm not

leaving till I get it well I haven't got

a letter and we can't get it I want a

book Hy I'm

hungry you got a ladder so I got got no

ladder ladder is broken but maybe we can

help him out some other way okay put

this table up here instead and put a

chair he that's a good way Hy here let

him stand on top of the chair get up

there I have to go get

the

no bottle put it put the chair put the

chair on the bottle how do you like that

I don't like that oh yes you let me read

that night book over there all you want

go of us travels you're going to get it

shorty I don't want to read get up here

hurry up did you drop your head

[Laughter]

melv why do he I don't know but I'm

walk head up there

for and one foot up here

now forward all the forward don't worry

I'm with you stand on the chair just

stand on the

chair stand stand up there now stand all

the way up all the

way no I don't want straighten your body

all the way up just straighten your body

all the way up that's right now turn and

face me go ahead turn the feet

too they're not

listening

now get the book no wait here take this

chair put that chair up there I don't

want company up

here let me you that's not watch

yourself hold on this real tight I'm

scared I'm scared no I am I'm really

scared no oh no don't shake it oh no

don't shake no oh no don't shake it oh

no don't laugh laugh don't shake it oh

please don't shake it don't sh it I

don't care you let go

J tell him not to

it don't take it I

don't don't it get get out there slide

down no I can't no I can't I can't can't

move I can't move you can't move I can't

move you positive I'm sure I can't move

you sure you can't move yeah I'm sorry

come here what want go and see if you

can get some other books for this boy

good night Humphrey well what are you

going to do nothing I can't move you

positive you can't move yeah I'm

sure oh now help

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

me

[Applause]

and now Halo presents a lonely lady of

the sea and a lovely lady of the islands

Miss Norma Calderon of the musical hit

South

Pacifico everybody H Halo shampoo

presents the inside story of The

Lonesome mermaid what can I do about my

my hair it's so dull and stringy looking

the sailors never whistle at me anymore

and for a mermaid that's serious look

toots here's the answer to your problem

use Halo shampoo soaping dull's hair

Halo glorifies it Halo means natural

beauty the first time that you use it

you need no special rinsing after you

use it so Halo everybody

Halo Halo shampoo

[Music]

Halo Halo everybody

Halo Halo is the shampoo that glorifies

your hair so Halo sh Halo remember Halo

Le's hair fragrant dandr free and

wonderfully easy to manage because Halo

is not a soap or no cream so Halo

everybody

halooo

Halo Halo Sho

Halo remember remember this about

shampoos soaping dulls hair but Halo

glorifies it Halo made with a patented

ingredient needs no special rinse and

leaves hair wonderfully easy to manage

next time try Halo America's favorite

shampoo so Halo everybody Halo Halo is

the shampoo that glorifies your hair so

Halo everybody Halo Halo shampoo

[Music]

[Applause]

H thank you very much you're very kind

ladies and gentlemen we like to say

right about here you know Dean has a

beautiful production number at the

beginning of every show with girls and

everything so I went to the network I

said why can't I do a number two so they

said okay you'll do it but they didn't

give me GS they gave me fellas I should

use so I got to do the number come on

out fellas you know it feels funny then

uses girls pretty girls to work with

it's nice so I got fellas so just to

make me feel better you'll be Selma

Audrey Miriam and Phyllis all right

they'll be GS meanwhile this is a number

that I had the Good Fortune recording

for Capital Records and it's my

conception of a tune called Never Been

Kissed and I'm going to sing it for you

now

[Applause]

[Music]

oh I know a g who's a treat to the eye

the boys always whistle when she passes

by she's out every night not a night has

she missed and her mother says that

she's never been kissed what yeah never

been kissed never been kissed it's hard

to believe that she's Never Been Kissed

one night she went out for a row on the

lake the guy she was with dropped the

ores by mistake they drifted for hours

before they were missed but she still

insists that she's never been kissed

he's a

liar kissed never been kissed it's hard

to that she's never been kissed a

wealthy young man took a liking to her

he gave her some presents of jewelry and

fur including a diamond as big as your

fist yet she'll take an oath that she's

never been kissed

what Never Been

Kissed Been Kissed it's hard to believe

that she never been kissed now there's a

new book they're all talking about call

lessons in love you have read it no

doubt I hear that that it just made the

besteller list well it's written by her

and she's never been kissed that's a lot

of

[Music]

H

kissed kissed it's hard to believe that

she's never been kissed she married the

best catch in town by the way and said

to the girl that she threw her bouquet

just keep the boys guessing and always

insist that you are a girl who has never

been

kissed never been kissed never been

kissed it's hard to believe that she's

never been kissed the end of this story

is sad and here's why I saw her today

with a tear in her eye I asked her the

reason why she was so blue and the

answer she gave me I'll pass on to

you listen Never Been Kissed Never Been

Kissed she married a man who has

never

[Applause]

what thank you very much we have hey

that was Terri I never heard this thing

so good before in my life what are you

yelling at me what what's the what's the

wi a wire it says we're so very happy

that you will appear at the Italian

welfare night of stars at the Chicago

Stadium May the 12th thank you Frank and

unio and Johnny Kentucky we're happy to

say we're going to be here in Chicago

for this wonderful Affair and we'd like

you to know about it that's enough

enough don't try and make up let's show

them let's show them that we can also

play instruments we're going to play the

number for you what is it what are you

doing here what do you want two minutes

see what he's giving us here get out of

here get out get out get out we don't

mind having you tell us how much time

there is but don't get in the ACT

buddy play for you the beautiful and

thrilling seder

Dance Happy New

Year

[Music]

I'm going down the mine see if there's

any Co

[Music]

[Applause]

it

[Music]

me a a DA M me your P you

[Music]

de

we love to do about 3 or 4 thousand

other numbers for you but unfortunately

we're running late so with the playing

of the theme on behalf of Dean and

myself we'd like to remind you that next

week Mr Phil silvas will appear on The

colate Comedy Hour Dean and I will be

his guests we're going to have a lot of

fun we'd like you to tune in so we'd

like to thank the entire show Kingman

Moore in the booth Ernest Gman our

producer Ed Simmons and Norman Le our

writers of course I want to thank my

partner cuz without him what's the

sense and I want to thank you also don't

forget next week with Mr Phil silver is

a great comedian we'll be with it thank

you so much you've been wonderful good

night and God

[Applause]

[Music]

Lu the game prob hour has been presented

by Halo shampoo to glorify your hair and

a the foaming action

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

cleanser he in again next week at this

time when Phil silver will make his

debut as star of the Colgate comedy Al

and on hand to welcome and his special

guests will be Dean Martin and Jerry

Lewis and Vivian

blae then the next week V vly again will

star on the comedy

arm the following week de Martin and

Jerry Lewis will be back once again on

the Colgate Comedy

Hour and four weeks from tonight Eddie K

will

[Music]

return and now good night for the cold

game Comedy Hour which has been

presented by the Colgate clol PE company

makers of quality products since

[Music]

1806