Original subtitles

[Music]

the Colgate Comedy

Hour staring Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis

presented by the Colgate Palm Olive

Peete company makers of Halo

shampoo Colgate Dental

cream Ajax

cleanser bomb Olive

soap and now the Dean Martin and Jerry

Lewis show

fellow Undertakers

I think you will all agree that this has

been a most joyous

convention yay

yay and now to climax our convention

festivities we have imported those very

funny madcap comedians the

hilarious Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis

hello there nice see you all everybody's

going to laugh it what a happy time

we're going to have did you take a bath

this morning why is there one

missing why is there one Miss A Funny

Thing Happened on the Way to Studio

we're driving a Mike car we got in

between two trolleys anybody want to buy

a tall Ben

Vick how was that one you know I got a

dog at home that he doesn't eat meat he

doesn't eat meat how come we don't give

him any we don't give him

any how about a fast car a do

down hone

better baby oh the

pain I think we got it yeah

we hey I a very funny a real good joke

hey uh a Fell's walking the street and

he said to the girl hey you're not my

wife you're my girl she said so see it's

just a transition of words and then

whenever we say this gag everywhere we

work the people laugh and scream but

tonight I wish I was

[Music]

dead go ahead go ahead go ahead again

you did it not you did it again again

you did it I'm not going to make a sad

face you can't bother me you can't get

can't do nothing to H me every time

we're on TV you got to L me up with the

opening you got to take me someplace and

embarrass me I don't you can't hide my

feelings nothing you can say could make

me feel

abused introduce my song go ahead get

off the stage introduce get off the

stage I don't want to argue with

you don't any this I'll be right back

remember that don't don't threaten me

you can go off the stage big man this is

a big man you know no this is you know

he had the big long nose

off CH it off now it's walking around

AIG Shoes by I

Miller gown by Sophie of sax fth

Avenue Jewels By

CER complexion by Pama

Olive yes a Lovelier complexion can be

yours in just 14 days if you use Palm

Olive soap facials in a recent test on

1285 women 36 leading skin Specialists

proved that your skin can be brighter

your skin can be softer your face

fresher looking by far when you use Palm

Olive soap now these weren't ordinary

tests either so suppose we introduce you

to a man who knows an lot about the work

done on

there the reports on those tests fill a

set of files far larger than these and

they prove conclusively that proper

cleansing with Palmolive soap brings

most women most of you Lovelier

complexions in just 14 days and your

nurse doctor does she use Palm Olive I

certainly do I wash my face three times

a day bes my skin for just a moment then

drins and dry pads that 14-day Palm

Olive magic has worked wonders for me

you can see what I meant when I said

these Palm Olive tests were no ordinary

tests for in them doctors have proved

that you too can have a Lovelier

complexion in just 14 days with palmo

soap

Always Dance a little closer together

you know put the arm down here never

hide your face and be happy when you're

dancing no you're overdoing it here

buddy keep your arm up up up with the

arm always be happy happy cuz you may

never get another dance you know be

happy but yes said that's what happy

people when you dance you know you got

to loosen up here loosen up you're too

s up pleas everybody dance nice

[Music]

one two 1 2 1

[Applause]

[Music]

that's uh very sweet yeah well that's

nice what are you doing here come back

here what's the matter what are you

doing in my studio oh I saw a sign

outside and it said that you learn

people how to dance so I'm

here oh you want to learn how to dance

huh yeah yeah I like why why well

because everybody dances and I always go

to party you see Mr Martin I sit in the

corner and I don't dance with girls they

call me a warflower but if you teach me

how to dance then I'll go to a new party

sometime next week and I have all the

girls boy

wow you three other couples mind going

to the other Ballroom I want to speak

with this young boy so you want to learn

how to dance huh yeah would you would

you teach me don't be interrupting me

I've taught a lot of people to dance now

first thing you need is a little Poise

but before that you need a partner so uh

Elizabeth please this is your over here

this is your dancing partner my partner

yep

[Applause]

[Music]

yes

[Music]

czy you don't walk over like that crazy

fool I want to see how you would walk

very nicely you walk over and ask for

let me see how you would do it

n

no somebody didn't get there want you to

walk over relax when you relax go

ahead now you walk over walk over like a

man like Z you

me what do you want I don't know what I

I know maybe one other way how to walk

let me see that would you dance

now listen to me

look now look I don't think you should

dance with Elizabeth I think you should

dance with gend Elizabeth just excuse us

for a minute who should I dance with

with gwendaline she's on the couch

gwendaline another girl she's on the C

she's on the couch I'm sorry she got

skinny I was going to say there's

gendin there she is nice girl this is

gwendy this is her she don't feel good

gwendy

now uh let me teach you how see you've

got to be sve when you I got to be a

swab

swab you take your time you know what I

mean see you light a cigarette that's

important it makes you important when

you this is the whole

thing now you sit down very nonchalant

you say WN I've been looking for you for

a long Time Where Have You Been Just

Like do you think you could possibly do

this I think with a little movement on

my part I may accomplish

this may I borrow you a cigarettes I got

to be very swabby

swabby I'll be very nice oh what it you

stop with this

crazy wendeline I've been looking for

you for a long time where you been oh

come

on let me teach you something about

asking a girl you you would say gendlin

I've been looking for you for a long

time then you take a deep breath and say

Where Have You Been take a deep breath

wav right wendin I've been looking for

you for a long

time there you

bit now look you do everything I do you

understand oh I got no partner I'm going

to give you a partner I'm going to call

Elizabeth and I'll dance with her you

dance with gwendy I got Elizabeth here

now we're going to have just some real

nice you know rock Plymouth Rock beat

dance you know what I mean yeah but do I

have to ask her to dance with me you

don't have to ask her nothing just pick

her up and dance with her now I have a

little music Mr

stable everything is nice and easy see

dance cheek to cheek how cheek to cheek

oh

yeah now watch there's a little a little

trick the first trick you learn in

dancing what you twirl the girl out real

nice just P her out then you bring her

back now is that

hard around yeah let it go let it

[Music]

go is this the way to tweet gendlin

tweet tweet

gendlin huh pick her up all right you

know when she went down so you don't

pick up a girl like that don't you know

how to pick up a girl sure I'm over

here go I F go figure no no haven't you

ever picked up a girl before show me H

come

here I don't want to dance with her why

because there's no excitement when I

dance with her she don't call for

nothing what would you like to learn I

want to learn that dance when the music

plays come

M has a bre because he has a Lo

[Music]

M Oh you mean a

wolf no you need the rumber the rumber

yeah I like the rumber and the sber and

the

coner sure well uh all right the stable

head some uh

coner it's just a box step want to go

track one box step box Step 1 2 1

you're too stiff what am I supposed to

do I you got to limber your legs I know

I got the man will give you some

limbering up exercise yeah sure Leonard

bar Uncle Leonard come out

here oh good this man needs some liming

up exercise because he wants to learn to

do the rumber that's very simple all you

have to do is

this go

ahead I could never do this in a million

years how can I learn to do this you can

do it yeah my way the Martin way you can

do it excuse me come here we're going to

use the itching pow on him this time it

I wonder what they're planning

now here here's some of Martin's powder

well I don't understand this will help

you a whole lot yeah but you'll do one

of the greatest rers yeah but how could

this possibly ever help me because I

never did this Dan see and and uh well

when I when I pr

[Music]

[Music]

I don't like this I didn't like that it

wore off you know it didn't do too much

excuse me Mr Martin de May and Moore

have just arrived they're ready to give

their a doio demonstration who's that

who's that de May and Moore this is a

dance I want you to listen to and watch

rather so let's bring them in won't you

here here they are watch

that was nice that's the kind of dance I

want to be able to do I can do all that

well would you mind doing it with Hubert

and me Hubert I'd like to do that let's

do that all right let's now you throw it

over to me first like like the shows

they do that how was that I went to a

[Applause]

t here we go hly o Ste next H hand po

FL all right all

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

right here we go

[Music]

[Applause]

now all right now I'll toss through I'll

toss her over to you I got to catch her

huh you catch it this time watch now

here we

[Music]

go supposed to catch her I got

scared all right pick her up Pi pick her

Up's go

[Music]

H this pick up the Lan this is different

this is sha too sh too yeah I like

[Music]

it don't let go

L now let's come here we're going to do

real hard one now I'll grab her arm and

her leg now turn her to the right her

arm and leg and I catch the arm the leg

you go the other way okay come on yeah

here we go come on let's go wow here we

go

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

we now bring you a speedy demonstration

of one of the most helpful products a

woman can keep in her kitchen and

bathroom Ajax the foaming

cleanser use a

colgate's new Ajax cleans pots and pans

far brighter with half the effort

aing a

wh you stop paying the elbow tax when

you cleaning with Aja so use Ajax theing

cert right down the

Ajax leaves no bricky cleansers come so

you Ajax the fing

[Music]

cleanser Ajax the new scouring cleanser

Foams as it cleans Ajax Cuts grease

faster than any other leading cleanser

Ajax polishes with half the

effort and it smells good too so

[Applause]

fat so slim and Tiny mentioned four

points that are well worth remembering

one Ajax Foams as it cleans two cuts

grease faster than any other leading

cleanser three it polishes as it cleans

and

four smells good too get one can of Ajax

for your kitchen and one for your

bathroom and see how this cleanser helps

you clean bathtub kitchen sink and pots

and pans

with half the effort and twice the speed

Ajax the foaming

[Music]

cleanser remember now you mustn't make

noise because baby's a very light

sleeper yes ma'am we have to keep the

crib here in the living room because

baby's room is being painted oh don't

worry I'll be real quiet that's a good

well well darling

are we ready darling this is our new

babysitter well well she doesn't look

more than the baby

herself my husband's such a kid her

you'll take care of Daddy's little boy

now won't You Ah that's fine let's go

darling it's a shame you're not taking

care of

daddy wow

[Music]

sweetheart why are the kids asleep oh

well I'll be quiet okay here we go you

darling I thought they'd never go so

long I've been waiting out there for a

half

hour oh my the baby sa forget it maybe

I'll go back to sleep let's talk to me

for just a second you I went over I

my hey Mom I don't want to sleep hey

you're not my

mother well how can you tell oh just

lucky I guess your mother's out for the

evening I'm your babysitter and why are

you sitting with him oh just lucky I

guess listen to me you get back to bed

before I give you a shot right I will

not get him

[Music]

back you better get him some milk all

right try and keep him amused will you

me amuse him you have to amuse me I just

I will not amuse you you play by go

ahead play by yourself now go on no I

don't want to I'm very uncomfortable I

just I just want to play one game I

don't want to play with you I want to

show your cck I don't want

to this is 51 pickup you take a time

what it 51 pickup take a c now pick up

51 that's a very

fun pick up the card yourself pick them

up yourself and amuse yourself here I'm

coming back then I don't care I don't

get my

house now what shall I

do

television I'll watch

television wow

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

wow W you you watching hopong Cassidy no

B

[Music]

Emerson look just listen to me one

second no you leave me alone shut up if

I give you a dollar will you go to sleep

a whole dollar a whole dollar goe yes I

will go on go to sleep hi come on good

night it's Pleasant dream never seen

such a prous child upset every time I my

mommy always kisses me good night a

isn't that sweet here

dear is that the way my mommy kisses me

your mommy is in here you got just be

away my mommy kiss how does your mommy

kiss

you how much did my mommy pay you 65

cents an hour from now on you're getting

75

what did you want to do grow up in her

arms sit down and drink your milk sit

down and drink your

milk shut

up don't pay any attention to

[Music]

it good

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

better than

[Applause]

[Music]

spinach your Big

B nobody I was

[Music]

no shut

up leave me alone leave me alone you

ad come on go to sleep I'm not going to

sleep until you play one game with me

what kind of game play shade with me oh

you're crazy

sh all right

all go ahead one game of sh you got to

use

this picture a picture I know this 10

words first

word 26

syllables

strutting strutting strutting strut stri

stable strong straight steed

second

one 118

syllables

sad real sad real real real T he yeah H

hey hey hey hey

hey third

word half a syllable get in

there crazy fool don't bother us well I

guess that's we've heard from him for

the last time you know hope never saw

yeah that's the C thing you're dirty

rotten grownup you're no good miserable

Ado yeah you're just another CL child

that's all you roll up for no children

well that's pretty right they little

kids we don't do nothing we don't bother

nobody a little

bit what

is you boy mean and nasty and shut up

your crazy

kid you got to know how to handle these

children you must have yell like that oh

he is No Child this is my child I'll

have none of that talk what do you mean

you have none of that this is my child

years daddy if I hey there what do you

want now since when are you such a big

man you shouldn't talk to your daddy

like that yeah well I can talk any way I

want see there too boy she a free

country me to if you don't

like you're not you don't belong here

shut up this is my child and you can't

talk to him the way you do

for telling me about that article on

tooth decay oh yes Mrs Williams

readers's digest recently reported the

same research which proves that brushing

teeth right after eating with Colgate

Dental cream stops tooth decay best and

Colgate Dental cream while not mentioned

by name was the one and only toothpaste

used in this research mommy what does

research mean well Mary Lou let's

pretend that Mr to and know friend of

yours is taking a walk when he meets

Decay now no sensible tooth wants any

part of Decay so Mr tooth runs for the

Colgate way two years research showed

the Cal Gateway of brushing teeth right

after eating helps stop more Decay for

more people than ever before reported in

dous history yes the coal Gateway stops

tooth decay best better than any other

home method of oral hygiene no other

Denis ammoniated or not has proof of

such results your tee with Cate Cate

cream it cleans your breast water

toothpaste cleans your teeth Cate

toothpaste CLE your bre water toothpaste

water cleans your

teeth gee the CATE way was real good for

Mr tooth wasn't it that's right very l

so always remember this and you too Mrs

Williams Colgate Dental cream cleans

your breath while it cleans your teeth

and the cold Gate Way stops tooth decay

best

I'm back already oh that's all

right thank you ladies and gentlemen

we'd like to say that we've been very

very thrilled on TV we met some

wonderful people we'd like to just make

a little mention that we're opening in

Columbus at The Palace Theater on

Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday we'll be

appearing there for three days I should

say and we open in Chicago on Friday for

a week we'd like you nice people in

Columbus and Chicago to come over and

say hello what's going on here what is

this what is going on with the band here

with the

you know what they're trying to do here

this network I'll tell you they don't

want you look at the band there's nobody

over here it's all empty so when they

open the Cen you should think it's

another Orchestra get out of

there the same band they all going back

there so we can do the end of the show

behind the Kon there's nobody over there

don't think this network gives away

nothing for

nothing it's curtain time on Broadway

and we find a lovely lady with beautiful

hair waiting for

someone are you

busy no well then why not come with me

to see my favorite movie oh come

Ono everybody Halo shampoo presents the

real inside story of Goldilocks and the

Three Bears young lady you've eaten all

a Junior's porridge and busted his chair

and slept in my bed of course I'm

supposed to I'm Goldilocks she's not

Goldilocks her hair isn't pretty let's

wash it and find out not with that

soaping doll's hair Halo glorifies it

cuz Halo shampoo is not a soap or a

cream so it can't leave dulling soap

film gee look at the suds if she's

really Goldilocks Halo shampoo will soon

prove it now let's take a look it is

golden

[Music]

everybody that glorifies youro shampoo

Halo remember soaping doll's hair Halo

glorifies it leaves it fragrant dandr

free and wonderfully easy to manage so

Halo everybody

haloo shampoo

Halo and Halo to you halo to you too

Halo there say I just happen to have a

bottle of Halo shampoo with me whether

your locks are golden red or brunette

Halo shampoo will glorify them the very

first time you use it may we have a

closer look at your haloed hair why of

course why don't you try America's

favorite shampoo Halo

[Music]

shampoo what are you yelling what are

you yelling what are they yelling all

right so it's supposed to play here I

don't know short the union but a GU

playing a number then

a what are you w me for you made a

horrible mistake Johnny I know I made a

mistake Fred but what do you what do you

want don't put all the blame on me man

an audience is sitting out there you

don't tell them about a mistake what is

it with

you who is that your brother my

brother's living

wow now come on come on come on come on

nothing you're supposed to overlook a

mistake when it happened me what

Overlook it don't let an audience know

about it but I

King dog gone

now come on get my nose you can you can

when the mistake is made you can

overlooking no I canot man don't be

nasty now I say you can when I say you

can man you

can you look it forget it that's all I

said I can't Overlook it you understand

Take Your Filthy Hands with me I'll spit

right in your

Ro get me mad boy

I the S just made you over you don't

want it's all right with me but what am

I supposed to do about it

clarify what I say inste of

31 there is a union band I don't care

about you or your Union band oh you see

how mad they yet you better say you're

sorry I'm warning

you I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm

sorry sorry that's good enough let's

take it from Asia Minor here we

go clarify bias and dirty it's bad

enough and I'd like hearing no more

about

[Music]

it only it means

inscrutable all right I'm sorry I'm all

right all right my gosh what a b I'm

joining you're not joining why they're

nice enough to let me Le the band if you

can't conceive the idea that labor and

physical being certainly doesn't

predominate on anyone's oh I know so

many people have come to you and they've

said that in this particular being no

one has ever concentrated on the fact

that welfare and health may concern I'll

grant you that sure

I've never been based on any factor that

a m said that I've never been wrong when

you were right

goodbye all right could you show me the

mistake can you tell me the mistake is I

was supposed to play one two symbol

what' you do so I play one two the other

symbol big deal what are you with

me your union all right come on let's

get going I'll ask him I'll ask him

we'll ask him we ask him

I just want to see you're paying

attention

that's

KY

oh Reverend

Thomas he made us a

promise don't play in the crack try

to would make the two of us one

may God

one so I'm

[Music]

hitting I'm going to down and

never make the Sano Valley my

[Applause]

[Music]

you are never going to Lous me up do you

understand Julio you're never going to

Lous me up again that's the last time

you ever do that I don't care let me

sing a song get off at the let me sing a

song I get off the stage I've been

abused all my life that's all I ever

take me was abuse I'm going don't you

yell at me I'm going to get even with

you I don't know how I don't know when

but someday I'll get even with you boy

you'll be cyber treat I try to help you

I'll leave you now boy you singer but

I'll get even with

you well I'm sing in in rain I just sing

in Rain what a glorious feeling arms

happy again I'm

Shing in r

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

I told you I get even I told

you come here you're going to sing the

same

song stay right there I don't want yes

you're going to if I can make

it it in

R I'm happy again

[Applause]

w

[Music]

listen we want to thank you we want we

now invite you to

swim you been wonderful brush your teeth

with Halo

Halo you've been

swell and we love you all and we hope

you look for our new picture out War

With The Army like be we'd like you to

buy Colgate I remember the show was

written by nor

and Ed Simmons and produced by Mr Ernest

grman directed by Kingman moil Orchestra

been so wonderful syia Sydney was the

Wardrobe dresser mil my mother and John

Charles

[Music]

Thomas but we're going off the air we

want you to watch us next time we come

on just watch both of us the next time

we come on we love you all and we're

very grateful for your very wonderful

response night spread out next week good

night everybody

[Music]

[Applause]

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[Applause]

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la

[Music]