Original subtitles

[Music]

The Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis show on

the Colgate Comedy

Hour featuring Miss Mickey Marlo, the

Four Step Brothers, Franklin Pangorn,

Dick Stil and his orchestra. and Wick

Bird and

Kay. Presented by the Colgate Palomale

Company, makers

of Palomale Rapid Shave, it outshaves

them

all. Fab, great new formula. Fab with

more active dirt remover than any other

leading

product. Ajax, the foaming action

cleanser. And Halo, the shampoo that

glorifies your hair.

And now, the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis

[Applause]

Show.

[Music]

[Applause]

Hear the evil of Christ when he sings.

All your troubles take wings. Here he

comes. Beat the symbols and drums. He's

sharp and he's king. So, let's welcome

Jerry's pal. Here's

D. Here's

D.

[Applause]

[Music]

Hey, come to

me. My melancholy baby.

Cuddle love and

don't you be blue.

[Music]

Excuse me very much sir for interrupting

you but I work outside. Well the figures

should

Well no I do sir. I work outside. I park

cars. You see, and there's a car park

outside, and we'd appreciate it very

much if you make an announcement.

Yeah, it's very important announcement.

And uh wait, wait, uh a New Jersey

license plate. What is this? A car or

something? Yeah, it's parked in a

driveway outside. We'd like to have it

moved.

And the license numbers New Jersey

7324

JDA222687635-

629844218HK9635-

2 lock in the driveway and we'd

appreciate it very much if you make the

announcement. What do you say? Okay,

thanks a lot. Well, I'll see you all

later on.

Every cloud must have a silver lining.

Wait until that sun shines through. Hey,

sporty. Uh, I guess in a nice way to

make an announcement, didn't I? Are you

a big man or something? You wearing a

tuxedo and you're winking at the girls.

What are you big shot? I asked in a nice

way to make an announcement now. There's

a car parked in the driveway. Cars

aren't going in. They ain't coming out.

We ain't made a quarter all

night. Now, we appreciate you making an

announcement. It's a simple thing. All

you got to do is say, "There's a car

park outside. Lighting 7324 JD

22268765

dash 629 844

21889635- two in that car. It's parked

and we'd appreciate somebody moving it.

Now, a guy has got to stand up and say,

"Hey, that's my car." He'll walk out and

move it and that's that. What do you

want to do? Go home on your rims

tonight?

80. What do you say, Sporty? Go ahead.

Oh, by the way, you sing pretty good.

You should get with a band.

My honey

[Music]

dear while I kiss away each day.

Hey, what are you so in love with this

number that you ain't going to make that

little stinking announcement?

I was coming to it. Yeah, well, we ain't

got time to wait for it. This parts

parked on top of one

another. Now make the announcement. Holy

mackerel. How big can you get?

Anyhow, or else I shall

be melancholy.

[Music]

Thank

you. Thank you very much, ladies and

gentlemen. Here, uh, right.

Has my brother been out here?

Yeah, your brother's been out here. He

asked you to make a little announcement,

didn't he? He sure did. How come he

didn't make it, buddy? Well, I'm going

to tell you now. Uh, you know, uh, yes,

in a nice way, isn't it, kids? Sure.

Your motor's running there. I just want

to say I could uh tolerate your brother,

you know, because he's a little bit of

an nimbo. Yeah. Well, no, the kid

But you you know, but you and me it's

different. Well, you see, the kid just

tried to be nice, have you making

announcements, that's all. And let me

explain. I want to be nice to you. No

way.

[Music]

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30 coins in a fountain. You know, uh uh

sigh, I hope you didn't mind coming over

to my dressing room to fit this for me.

Not to s such a sumptuous dressing room

as this. You know, the manager must have

thought an awful lot of you to have

decorated this so elegantly. Yeah, he

didn't know we were Martin Lewis. He

thought we were George and Goel.

Oh boy.

How does the collar fit now? Mr. The

collar fits nice, Mr. D'Vor, but I'd

like to have a little more room, you

know. Yeah, that's no problem. Now,

we'll just let out the shoulders a

little bit and we'll let out the inner.

Excuse me. I'll get this. Yeah, sure. Go

ahead. Hello. Oh, Lou. Yeah, Lou. Oh,

the sponsors are coming up. Sure, I'll

take care of them. Don't you worry about

a thing. Yeah, I'll take care of them.

Yeah. Now, you know, you know, Mr.

Martin, I I really think I'll have to

refit this collar. Yeah. All right.

They'll be up pretty soon. Good. Pretty

sure. All right. Good. Fine. and this

shoulder. Okay. Right. All right. Luke,

what do you think you're doing?

That's my partner. Don't you do that.

And furthermore, how about that?

This is my tailor size fitting me for a

suit. I think I made a mistake here. I

was helping you, Dean, because I thought

he was tearing you. I I'm awfully sorry,

sir. Here's here's your mustache. I

didn't mean to do that. and and go out

and buy yourself another mustache and

send me to Bill. We don't buy mustaches,

Mr. Lewis. We grow them. Well, then buy

yourself some seeds.

I'm awfully sorry about this. I didn't

mean nothing. I'm awfully sorry. I'll

say yes. I doubt if you will. Well, you

don't have to be so nasty. You know what

you're doing to me. I didn't do nothing.

I was protecting. I thought this fellow

was Why don't you just keep your big

mouth shut? Well, the guy was tearing

your seat. Don't let me yell. My throat

hurts now. Well, what do you want? You

always start arguments. Wasn't I

protecting you then? Why did you Why did

you interrupt my song for in the first

place? What are you going to pick on me

all day today? I don't like you. Why did

you just close the window so they don't

hear us arguing? Well, we don't have to

argue. You stop picking on me and we

won't argue. I'll pull the shade down.

Look, when I That shade over there. This

shade over there. You get me all

confused and mixed up. I try to help you

when you Put the shade up, will you,

Jerry? Yeah, but when you were doing a

song, I was out in the club. I was only

pulling. You see? Will you put Well, I

tried to get to stay down. You start

yelling at me. You make me nervous. I

don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

Dean, throw it. I can't. Why do you keep

picking on me? Because you're an idiot.

Oh,

I help. Don't touch me. Help me. Don't

touch me. What do you mean help me?

Don't touch me. I didn't want to get out

by radar. Come by the rain.

What do you think? Do you know? Will you

stop yelling? You're going to lose your

voice and hurt your throat. Just tell

me. Look, Louman called from MCA. Our

sponsors are going to come up here

pretty soon. Well, I want you to

remember the products all the time. We

got to stay on TV. All right. I remember

the products. We use Ajax and Fab and

Veto and Colgate. There they are now.

All right. I'll remember. I'll talk nice

about the products. Products all the

time. The products. The product. Well,

listen. Should I mention all the

products and everything? Mention

everything. Oh, all right. I'll about

yourself and and be yourself. Oh, no. Do

everything I do. Do what you do. Don't

do what you do. Do what I I'll do

everything you do. Mention the products.

Yeah. All right. Mrs. Larby, you're

beautiful tonight. Mr. Larby, you're

beautiful tonight. I got to kiss you.

You look good. Yeah, I got to kiss you.

Just stop. Well, you told me to do

everything. Let me take your wrap. Let

me take your stuff, Mr. Lar. Please. You

got

no sit down. Wait. Come on. Let's sit

down, Mr. Lar. Let's take the shortcut.

Mr. Larabe, right over the top.

[Music]

Nice to see you, Mr. Larby. The products

products products products. Yeah, you

see Mr. Ho everybody. Halo. Rock the

train. Rock the

train. Void. Hello everybody.

Halo. He loves the product. Poor mother.

Poor mother.

You take that

home right down the drain.

Hey Jack. Hey Jack. Hey.

Sit down. She's too fat.

Now go get a chair. Get a chair. Come

over. He He so overwhelmed to see the

sponsor. You know he's excited about

these uh well he has some business to

discuss. Would you say you could just

serve the refreshments? We have some

business, you know. Would you like some

cookies, Mr. Cookies? How about some

fruit? We have some food here. Have some

orange.

You told me to refresh, didn't you?

What? Don't overdo. What are you out of

your nitwit?

Ah, shut up.

Get something else for them to eat. Hey,

Mrs. Flabby, how about some

chocolate? Would you like some nice

fresh

chocolate? Chocolate covered dust.

Anyhow, oh, I wonder if there's a walnut

cream in there. A walnut cream? No,

that's not

walnut. That came close for a second.

Let's see. Uh, what's that going on?

Yeah, there's a walnut. Oh, stop.

Something like that. Well, what's the

matter? I brush my teeth with fab. You

brush your teeth with fam. You brush

your teeth with fam. You brush your

teeth with fat. I brush my teeth with

fat. A joke. A joke. Joke. A joke.

Oh. Oh, it was a good one, wasn't it?

No, I don't really brush my teeth with

Bab. Everybody knows I use Halo. Hey,

Dr. Lewis. Halo is for hair. I have very

fuzzy teeth.

I spend a lot of money hiring two

comedians to sell my products, and they

don't even know what they use for. Oh,

we know what they use. We're just

kidding. Oh yeah, it's like funny.

Oh, what a bulldog. But I'm only

kidding, you see, because we have fun.

Look, every 5 minutes we brush our teeth

with Colgate, which contains Gardall.

Guard all. Guard all. Come, let us brush

our teeth. I want to watch this. Yes,

we'll show you. And we do this every

day. Every 5 minutes. It's like a

ritual, Mr. Larby. We never ever miss.

Do you know that? Every day. Every 5

minutes, we do nothing. And we use

plenty of Colgate dental cream because

it's the most wonderful cream in the

world. I just got a bullet. Look at

this.

Look what you made me do. I got to give

you a shot. Right in your I'll get

something to fix it up. Nothing could

clean this jacket. I'll fix it clean.

I'm awful sorry, Mr. Larby. Just take

the jacket off, sir. And I think that I

can clean it. I'll clean it and we'll

just use your very best product. Fab

will clean it. Mr. Larby, you'll be

surprised how wonderful this will be.

And it'll be like a new jacket and

you'll never know that there was ever a

spot in it. There's disgust. You have to

realize that when you use water on a

jacket, it has a tendency of being just

a little damp. But if you can try and

find the spot once we complete washing

this jacket, and I understand that

there's satin on the jacket, so that

when the water gets off uh the satin of

the the uh the jacket, uh you'll

find you don't expect this man to wear

this suit. Of course, I can wear that. I

think I think Mr. Jack on trotder has

another jack and he'll he'll fit you.

Come on.

[Music]

I'm Mrs. Larby, I'm awfully sorry for

what happened. I just get carried away.

Uh, just come with me, Mr. Larby. I'm

awfully sorry. Would you like to sit

down and relax? Yeah, I'll give you a

boost. What? No, I'll I'll bring the

chair down here. I'm sorry. You see,

when my

I'm sorry. That's one of the craziest

chairs. Thank you. I've got such a

headache. I just Oh, let me rub it for

you, Mr.

Clarab. My hair. Well,

I I'm a mess. I know, but look at your

hair.

Now, what is all you do to me? What

you've done to my hair? Well, don't

worry about it, ma'am. I can fix it.

Just come over here, please. No, I'll

fix it. Please. Your husband makes the

best product. Just put your head here

and will do it. Halo will make your hair

the best you've ever seen on a cake. No,

this will be wonderful. Mr. Never had a

nicer hair. You just wait. You'll be

fine. Now, you just get up and we'll

dry.

Oh, darling.

Oh, jeez. She's ridiculous.

Come on. Let's get out of here. Oh, you

glory. Happy day

we shut up.

J. You said shut up. Shut up. That's

You're ruining my Don't let yell ain't

you? Yeah, but you won't say it for you,

Mr. Martin. There you are. I got to sing

and I can't. Well, listen. Let me

explain what happened. You see? Shut up.

Don't say anything. I close your big

mouth. No, but I'm I'm only trying to

tell you that you see when these Don't

tell me what to say. I'm not telling you

nothing, Dean, but I don't wish. Why

don't you shut up? You're losing your

throat. Losing it? I lost it. No, you

got to go on the stage and sing. I

can't. Oh, look at here. Take your

jacket. I think Yeah, take your jacket.

Come with me. I got an idea. This is

terrible. Jack and Brad will be awful

mad if you don't sing your number.

Listen, I have an idea. No, you have to

go on the stage. Don't you understand?

Because everybody's waiting in the club.

It's time for your second song. So, I

tell you what I think we better do.

Here's a very good idea. You go out on

the stage. the best thing for you to do

and you got to do it as very fast as

possible. You get on the whistle and try

your best. Now, when you get

[Music]

[Applause]

on everybody,

look for this Halo contest display at

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stole, or one of a thousand other prizes

in mink by Arthur Rosenbomb of New York.

There are five mink contests. A

different contest each week for five

weeks. First contest ends February 20th,

and the last weekly contest closes March

20th. Each week for five weeks, Halo is

giving away three pedigreed mink coats,

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all in glamorous mink. So go to your

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entry blank or on a piece of paper,

write in 25 words or less, I like Halo

because. Mail it with a box top from any

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starts tonight, ends February 20th. So

hurry, send your entry to Halo, Box 78,

New York, 1, New York. Enter now.

[Music]

How's his lines ready, Doc?

He's sleep.

He looks restless. Is he all right? He's

going to be all right. Yes. Oh, gee. I'm

worried about him. He's my partner. Just

needs a lot of rest. Yeah. Keep him in

bed and keep him warm. Keep him warm.

And he should be in bed. Yes. And not be

disturbed. He shouldn't walk around or

nothing like that. No, not right across.

Uh-huh. And And I should keep him in bed

all the time. Keep him in bed all the

time. It's very, very important thing.

And warm and in bed. And he shouldn't

walk around. Yes. You watch that now,

won't you? All right, I will doc. He's

got to be in bed and warm and no walking

around. Uh-huh. And I should keep him

warm in bed and no and he shouldn't walk

around enough. Thank you, doctor. He's

got to stay warm and no walking around.

Should he stay in bed? Keep him warm.

Keep him warm.

Keep him warm and he shouldn't be

disturbed. Keep him in

bed. Yeah, he's in there. All right.

Well, a my poor booby is

restless. Stay nice.

Sleep. My bread and butter sleeping.

[Music]

[Applause]

[Applause]

The noisy

apple. I'm

hungry. It's all right.

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause]

to give you a headache now. I got noisy

teeth.

Such a headache. You gave me a headache.

Oh, you poor thing. You got a headache.

I'll get you an aspirin. No, give me

something for my headache. How about an

aspirin? Good.

Oh, we're in luck, Deie. There's only

one left.

He I dropped

the I dropped

the I think it went under the bed. This

aspirin.

Wait, must be up on the other side. dis

aspen.

I don't care. It's But I tell you, Dina,

it rolled under the bed. See, cuz I went

from the thing over to here. I I I think

it's under the bed.

[Music]

No, not even on the mattress.

De, you're not supposed to walk around.

You'll get

sick.

De

boy, you must be hiding here someplace.

Beanie. Woohoo. Come on. I know you

don't like to stay in bed, Dean.

Beanie, where'd he go? Hey, Dean. What

do you say that, buddy?

De Oh, there he is. Nope. Dean, where

you hiding? Must be under the

bed. Hey, Dean, where are you? Come on.

Stop getting

around. Are you crazy? You got the cold

out there. Come back here on a bed where

you

belong. My goodness. I know you don't

like to lay in bed, but that's

ridiculous. You got to think about your

good health. Now say in

bed.

Yellow. Yeah. This is Martin Lewis.

Comedy songs and What it is?

Doop

dong. This is Yes, ma'am. D Martin is

here. Who's calling there? And that's

late. Oh. Uh, what? Just a minute. Dean,

it's Milton Burl calling from New York.

It's important. It's important. It must

be about the friars dinner. March the

11th. March the 11th. Operator, see the

friars in New York are holding a

testimonial dinner for Dina. I know

you're not interested, but wait. I got

to talk. I got to talk. He wants to

talk, but the the phone just a minute.

You shouldn't get out of bed. Hold on,

operator, please. You shouldn't get out

of bed, Dean. You have to be warm here.

The doctor said warm and no getting out

of bed. You shouldn't walk around.

You'll be warm. Nice here. You get a lot

of rest. See here, I'll take you over to

the phone

now. Here, get get the phone. Can you

get it? There it is. Right. That got a

boy. Die. Get it. That's it.

Right.

Milton. Huh? Yeah. Yes. Poor Milton.

Yeah. We'll be there March 11. We'll be

there. All right. Milton. Okay. Goodbye,

Milton. What? Perry Como's phone number.

Terry Como's phone number. Yeah, it's

over to the desk. I'll get home.

Take me to the desk. Take him to the

desk.

Here's the desk, de Oh boy. Oh boy. You

better hurry and get the number.

He's got the

number. Hold me here. Hold me with that

hand. Hold that one more time.

Here. Say it. Say it. Milton. Milton.

That's it. Milton. It's a crest. Circle

9

581. Yeah. Yeah. We'll see you.

Marchelong, Milton. Hang it up. That's

good.

Boy, up you

go. Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Taking care

of you, it's not

easy. I I never knew you were such a

bull until this time. I got to rest.

[Music]

[Applause]

Get rid of that fly. A fly? Get rid of

the fly. Sounds like a horse fly, right?

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Oh yeah.

[Applause]

Hey,

chair. Open the door and let the fly go

out.

[Music]

I have a very good idea. I'm going to

lay down after the dark.

[Applause]

I know what sh. This is sitting over

there on a makeup table over there.

Yeah. Don't say nothing. Little piece of

candy. Candy. My love. Sweets. Sweets. I

get a little bit of the poison. Poison.

Disinfectant. Disinfectant.

Put it in the water. In the water. We

call the fly over. He drinks it and

he'll die.

Lie.

[Music]

Splendid. It's working. Splendid. My

potion is

[Music]

working. That takes care of that. Now,

maybe we can have some pizza.

[Music]

Come on.

[Music]

[Music]

All right.

You done something to me? Yeah. Huh?

Yeah, I know what I did. All these

imbecillic things. Yeah, but I'm only

try Hey, listen to your talk. What's

wrong the way I talk? Call me a nutsy

again. Oh, yeah. Little old nutsy. Hey,

your voice is good now. Hey, it is good.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I I fixed your throat.

See, from yelling at me, you must have

felt better. Yeah, I did. I thought you

were mad. No, I wouldn't get mad at you.

I was going to leave, so you should be

alone. And And you I don't want to be

alone. I want you to be with me all the

time. You know why? Why? Cuz you and me,

we belong together.

When pots and pans are giving you those

black and dirty looks, use Ajax, the

foaming

cleanser. Cleans pots and pans just like

a whis.

Only Ajax with foaming action cleans so

quick. Only Ajax polishes so bright.

Only Ajax works so easy and cuts grease

faster than any other leading cleanser.

So use Ajax, the foaming cleanser,

floats the dirt right down the drain.

Ajax leaves no gritty cleanser scum.

Ajax is quick, right,

and easy.

[Applause]

[Music]

And Ajax smells good, too. So, use Ajax.

Get two cans. One for the bathroom, one

for the kitchen. Ajax, the foaming

action cleanser.

Wow. Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Cord.

That's table

six. Well, Mr. for Mrs. Hopkins. Uh,

table

7. Oh. Uh, Mr. Martin, I've made your

reservation. Oh, thank you. Thank you

very much. All right. Now, could you

please give us a table for two, sir?

Sorry, there's nothing left.

But, I saved up for this out of my

allowance. And this is my first time to

an eye club. Won't you please do

something for us? Nick, give him my

table. Yes, sir. Mr. Martin. Gee. Thanks

a million, Mr. Martin. So exciting. All

right. You go in and enjoy the show. And

now, ladies and gentlemen, by way of

contrast, the Copa Room continues with

probably one of the greatest dancing

groups in the country, the fabulous Step

Brothers. Here they are.

Heat. Heat.

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

How about that?

[Applause]

that

rocket

[Applause]

Rot

go. Come on, boy. Get in here.

Everything is falling down. Falling

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

down. You

like that?

[Music]

[Applause]

like

[Applause]

hey go go

[Applause]

go up

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

That was great. That was great stuff.

How was that stuff? Great stuff.

[Music]

I don't know, but he's

[Applause]

happy.

[Applause]

Get

[Applause]

out.

I hey

[Applause]

[Music]

Hey, your handh

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

I hope you got a D. Here goes. Come on.

Speedy time for

[Applause]

me.

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Wow.

[Applause]

[Applause]

Hey,

yeah.

Yeah. Heat.

[Music]

Yeah. Heat.

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Heat.

Heat.

[Music]

[Applause]

Heat

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

up here.

[Music]

I brush my teeth once a day. I brush my

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[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

Ladies and

hold ladies and gentlemen in our little

nightclub. We kind of hope you enjoyed

this little show. You've been a swell

crowd and we hope the next time we have

the pleasure of entertaining you, you'll

come to see us.

[Music]

But we do want to say ladies and

gentlemen and to the viewers and to the

wonderful people who have been kind

enough to have faith and to be nice

enough to stick by Dean and I throughout

the past year and a half. We want to

thank you for being so very kind to us.

We'd like to thank Mr. James Z.

Patrillo, the American Federation of

Musicians. Please remember to give to

muscular drophy. And last and certainly

not going to Oh, we have a wonderful

friend of ours, Mr. Sammy Khan who wrote

the special lyrics of you belong to we

belong together. That's right. And last

but not least, our very wonderful Dick

Stabil who deserves a real cheer. Dick

Stabil in New York. Ladies and

gentlemen, next week next week we want

you to see the Migra on the Colgate

comedy hour coming from the French

Quarter in New Orleans with Gordon

McCrae, Beggy Lee, Louis Armstrong, and

Jean Sheldon. Dean and I, we had nice

time tonight, huh? I never enjoyed a

show as much as I did this one. Believe

me, we want to thank Mickey Marlo, Dick

Weinberg in the booth, Ernie Gluxman,

our producer, our writers, Arty

Phillips, Harry Crane. We could thank a

million people, particularly the crew

who've been so kind to us. We hope that

we can do television more often for the

nice people who are kind enough to watch

us. Until we have the pleasure of doing

so again, we wish you all the very best

and we'll see you real soon. We're going

30 seconds yet. We're going to God bless

you all.

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Heat up here.

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Yeah. Heat.