Original subtitles

[Music]

live from

Hollywood Dean Maron and Jerry Lewis

Shaw with Zer miles Milton thr Margery M

Hank man Sylvia hickle Marvin middleberg

the Nick Castle dancers and Martin

Lewis's special guest Bill

Abrams presented by the Colgate po palon

company makers of Colgate nettle cream

Colgate dentle cream cleans your breath

while it guards your

teeth

100% mild Palm Olive

soap Fab great new formula Fab with more

active dirt remover than any other

leading

products and Ajax the forming action

cleanser and now the Dean Martin and and

Jerry Lewis

[Music]

show do

a big br show we hope we get a like as

speak the score is good the book is weak

as far as

[Music]

a break and Christmas the man

the what aak and just Christmas we're

all back

really where are Dean and Jerry where

are Dean and Jerry get and Jerry get and

[Applause]

[Music]

Jerry milder than Beauty soaps milder

than floating soaps milder than Cold

Cream milder than Beauty soaps milder

than floating soaps milder than cold

cream

[Music]

I'm Joan Leslie and this is new Palm

Olive soap it's the mildest soap of all

9500 skin tests prove new Palm Olive

soap is far milder than any other

leading Beauty

soap floating soap or even cold cream

that's why you can be sure Palm Olive is

better for complexion care believe me no

other leading soap or Cal cream get skin

thoroughly clean as gently as new palom

Olive try it see if proper care with

wonderful new palom Olive doesn't bring

you softer smoother brighter

skin that school girl complexion look

new Palm Olive soap proved mildest

better for complexion

[Music]

care

ENT please bus number 415 for

Philadelphia and New York now departing

aboard

supposed to have a piece of chalk I

rubbed this out and put 10 cents

[Applause]

here

[Music]

[Music]

what

[Music]

[Music]

what

[Music]

what hey that down what's wrong

with you I I'm awfully sorry sir but you

see I I I hate to do this I'd like to

exp who told you sit down oh I'm sorry

you see sir I'd like to tell you

something you see I'm terribly hungry as

a matter of fact I'm awful hungry and

and and I haven't eaten in a long time

about to go get some work well I'd like

to get a job so I could work my way home

where do you live just down the block oh

come

on what what can you do what kind of

work can you do oh well there's a lot of

things I can do sir yeah yeah you can do

any kind of work huh oh any

hello Milton I I can do a lot of things

for instance what can you

do is this what you do that's about it

yeah no look what really can you do

maybe I give you a job or something well

I do a lot left you six pies three

custard and three boys and Berry I don't

want boys and berry pie what can you do

well what do you mean like to explain we

don't sell a lot of people take me for a

silly kid but I understand that here

there are not a lot of nice people and

I'd like to explain to you look I know

the kind of business you operate it's

certainly not my place to walk in and

expect a guy like you just take a get

off the oh I know all the stories the

hard luck stories and all that but you

can believe me when I tell you I'm the

kid boy at least I can give you some

help around the joint you know what I

mean and I think I might help you out a

lot what you say when did you new record

come out

oh there's the oh there's the Bus St

Mill I got to get the bus oh let me help

you out give me a job will you please

wait hold it down what' you say just

give me a job let me wait here I could

use another waiter how about 30 bucks a

week and all you can eat but you got to

be fast speed speed is what I need speed

let me see I'll pass y'all oh yes sir

pass I I I I'll I'll really show you sir

go

how was that fast but you're not doing

nothing oh come on God here see what

they want all right order what what what

would you keep like uh we're all

together here let's have five orders of

spaghetti F five Bo five Bo and

spaghetti thank you very

much

spaghetti

[Music]

now now why don't you stop back put this

back give them their spaghetti yeah but

this is very long spaghetti yeah got in

the soup yeah yeah everybody can your

plat even

lat hey you

did look what you did look what I did

it's the first time I ever saw a suit

with two pairs of

jackets why you ATT you please bus

number 1144 for stanville and Cleveland

now departing there's your butt you'll

hear from my lawyer about this hard har

hard well you see what you did you see

what you did well I'm sorry I spoil all

my spaghetti everybody left without

paying now I'm stuck with it you got to

pay for this yeah but I don't make a lot

I'll give you a raise oh thank you very

much sir I can always put the spaghetti

back you know sir I can tie it together

let me

through here I want to talk to you and

show you how you can be a waiter no uh

before I talk I'll get some tea no I'll

get it for you sir it's a very good

suggestion I'll wait on you show you how

good I am you want some tea yes shall I

make it Hefty hot and Hearty try

[Music]

TM sick boy

he I want ice te put some ice in here H

ice i u c e

[Music]

ice what a funny thing happened to

me

sit down come

here a you see buses pull in here from

All Points sit down since this is a

crossroad of travel I have an

opportunity to make a good living now I

have a wife listen I have a wife and a

couple of kids depend on me to clothe

them and to feed them you understand

naturally this operation is just much

too much work for one man so I need a

man to assist me a man with integrity

and above all speed speed there's

another bus load now's your chance come

on show let's

go

now help me help

me spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti yes

spaghetti yes spaghetti no I don't like

spaghetti I want baked Halbert Halbert

baked Halbert yeah baked Halbert is that

so yeah you'll take spaghetti like

everybody else how you like that we got

a business running here you want to

break up a set everybody's 13 for Denver

now departing on aboard come on stay

here nobody leaves my place it's 12

years bus has been going out in out of

here and I never got paid you're going

to stay here you're going to eat the

spaghetti and you're going to like it

our bus

shut up you like he says we're running a

pretty

good spaghetti with sauce you're going

to get it whether you like it or not and

you're all going to pay me you can take

your time and eat that bus ain't going

anywhere without you I took care of

[Music]

that

[Applause]

oh

[Music]

[Applause]

I brush my teeth once a day I brush my

teeth twice a day I brush my teeth three

times a day whether you brush your teeth

once twice or three times a day new

Colgate Dental cream gives the shest

protection all day long brushing for

brushing the shest protection ever

offered by any toothpaste because only

new col Gates of all leading toothpastes

contains patented guardall here's how

guardall

Works what kept me from getting hit this

invisible protective shield now every

time you use col Gates guard all binds

itself to your teeth forming another

kind of invisible protective shield that

won't rinse off or wear off all day

every time you use new Colgate it stops

on pleasing breath instantly fights

tooth decay 12 hours or more test showed

the greatest reduction in tooth decay

and toothpaste history so brush your

teeth as often as your dentist tells you

but whether that's once twice or three

times a day new Colgate Dental cream

gives the shest protection all day long

brush your teeth with Colgate Colgate

Dental cream it cleans your a toothpaste

guard your

[Music]

teeth that was my partner and these

thing's pretty nice I think a whole lot

of time he sings good oh ladies and

gentlemen we want to make a personal

thank you to all the wonderful people

the firemen particularly for their Mercy

March for muscular distopy you did a

great job fellas we're very very

grateful for helping the wonderful kids

and to the Brentwood Country Club here

in town thanks so much for all the

wonderful help and your contributions

we'd like to oh just mention that our

guest star Bill Abrams is here and we're

going to introduce him in a very short

time brother nobody gets clothes as

dirty as three backyard beavers get

those clothes into Fab mom no other kind

of product washes as clean and white as

[Music]

fabb fabb yes there's more REM in great

new Fab fa has more REM than any other

leading product Fab wash is really white

and clean the wh is white and cleanest

clean get f

Fab no wonder Fab with more active dirt

remover washes clothes the whitest white

and cleanest clean you've ever seen only

Fab gives you so much active dirt

remover plus two such fabulous whitening

ingredients that clothes need no bluing

no bleaching except for stubborn stains

Fab really cleans really whitens dad's

clothes sister's clothes Junior's

clothes Fab washes the whitest white and

cleanest clean yet Fab is milder to

hands than even leading floating soaps

so get new formula Fab with more active

dirt remover than any other leading

[Music]

product Excuse Me Miss Adams yes Vera Mr

and Mrs Martin are here oh yes that's

the couple who want to adopt a little

boy are the children ready yes they're

all scrub wash and

nervous we'll bring them

India send Mrs Martin Mr Mrs Martin in

please oh how do you do Miss Adam how do

you do how you do sit down do make

yourselves comfortable the children will

be here in a moment and I'm sure you can

make your choice I'm so me too I always

wanted a

[Music]

kid well children are already now ring

of India this white

children oh Dean aren't they darling

look at the one in the yellow shirt look

at the one with the head they're real

pretty oh I hope we can make a choice

Dean I'm sure we will Vera here we have

Albert James Robert Peter Charles and uh

where is uh oh there you are dear Come

Along come along don't

sh

Hur

up tidine dear now children this is Mr

and Mrs Martin and today they're going

to choose one of you to take home for

their very

own

well there they are Mr Martin I'm going

to take a look at these uh beautiful

boys you step

forward

uh what's your

[Music]

name concentrate no that's not

it oh I had it on a piece of paper but I

lost it don't you know your own

name oh yeah I know I my my my my name

is Orville well you seem to be a little

bit

Orville yeah that's my why is he he's

look so much older than these other

little boys or's been with us a long

time at 29

years he's so much older than the others

it's been rather difficult placing him

yeah I can see that an older boy like

Orville might be just right for

us this is Dr coffee nerve the lady may

have a good point take heed to

her well I I think we can work something

out here honey well he'd be more of a

son he'd be a companion to you you're

not Kidd well uh listen how would you

like to come home with

us well let's not try for an award

just would you like to come home with us

let's not get sickening about it just

told you you mean

[Music]

me oh I would love that oh i' waited so

long goodbye Dutch take care of yourself

stinky R eel take care of yourself you

got to cut out that

smoking well I I I think we we've made a

choice honey may I help you pack his

things with that fine I'll show you

where they are you'll be right back dear

all right by orille uh orille

[Music]

well looks like I got myself a kid yeah

yes Dad and we're going to be pal

right I would think so

[Applause]

dad yeah I think we're going to be for

and

buies

yes sir boy I bet you're

right and we're going to go fishing and

skiing and fight every day huh and SC

yeah boy I like to go fishing and skiing

and whatever else you

said aren you overacting a little bit

here what a

shot and then you do you like to play

games like the bear hug you know what I

mean you know sort of play with each

other yeah I like The Playdoh game you

know what I like better than that what

wrestling

M don't you look please

like shut

up come dear now you'll be sure and have

him at our house by you'll be there good

goodbye orille goodbye mother and here's

your hat Daddy well I'll see you at the

house okay bye by oh oh aren't I a lucky

fellow I have waited for 29 long hard

years but my waiting was not in vain oh

boy and such nice people it's good

fortune for them that now they will have

the little patter of feet around the

house oh boy oh boy aren't I a happy

boy

[Music]

he's a wonderful son I'm so proud of him

oh I can hardly wait till they get here

and it'll be any minute now yes she's

bringing him over from the

orphanage yes he's wonderful oh wait do

you see him he's so different yes yes oh

there they are now I must go I'll call

you later

goodbye miss Adam how you do how are you

hello

oille welcome to your new

[Music]

home stop stamping your feet when you

walk pick up your feet when you walk

dear

I should like to see his room please

regulations you know Sur I understand

fine this way oh and also Mr Mar Oh

Daddy we'll be home soon now I want him

to love you as much as I do so be very

kind to oh yeah I will I will I'll be

very kind when Mr Martin comes show him

you love him oh yes I will be very

helpful oh I'll help him out all the

time I'll help him a lot I really will

I'll be a real helper I'll help him out

all the time never he wants something

boy oh boy I'll help him won't I be a

helper

H just a little things to make him

comfortable Oh you mean I should help

him sure yeah all right I will I'll do

that Miss Adam get me you make yourself

at home now orille we'll be right back

this way oh all right thank you very

much boy this sure is nice here what a

swell

house honey I got a feeling I'm

home

daddy

my the first time I ever

[Music]

said and relax I'm glad you're home Dad

Pi up your coat I had a hard day at the

bookie yeah is there anything I can do

here can I help you out out dad anything

anything you want you want me to help

let me take your coat I just I'll take

your coat for you dad what do you want

Oh I just want to relax you know yeah

well let me let me take off your glosses

for

you okay these are easy very tight easy

son wait let's do it like they do it in

the movies you push me and then it come

off

okay wait that's it just just have

patience Dad I'll take them off son For

Heaven's Sake

here's one Dad let's get the other one

here oh for goodness there are they're

both up there just let me alone will you

I just want to relax I just want to sit

in my rocking chair I just want to relax

just let me alone yeah but I just want

want to read the paper I just no don't

you want a refreshment would you like

something no Refreshments nothing a

refreshment no no here look at what we

have over here nice walnuts would you

like a walnut I don't like walnuts

besides we haven't got any nutcrackers

oh we don't need one daddy do you know

that I have a special way to open these

up like I do for my friend HBY friend

HBY yeah how do you do it open your

mouth oh that's the same thing hary

always

said all right here's your papers daddy

oh better that oh better that paper oh

please Daddy please read me the funny

papers all right yeah like they do it

hey hey hey

oh well it's a little comic about Little

Orphan Annie Hey Little Orphan

[Music]

an I'll help you D wait

wait all right sit down son and I'll

read the

[Applause]

paper get a c here right away W wao wo

wo I hurt my leg you hurt your leg yeah

oh oh let me help you dad I I'll fix it

please let me let me fix it please Dad I

wish it falls off please no let me help

you fie Patrol 629 oh please let me help

you leave my arm alone please Dad I'll

take care of it every time an

[Music]

emergency you hold it now I'll strap the

a

second I've had it with you it's over I

can't be a father I tried to be a father

it was a whole mistake yeah but I don't

want to kill around a house was my

wife's idea just go back where I got you

from go back to the home I I'm sorry it

happened like well I I I I know how you

feel this is always what happens to me

then you're used to it go

on I just I just have no luck I'm I'm

I'm JY it's okay go back and

shave I can't be a father I'm sorry I

like a nice and quiet come on D what's

happened here I I can't take this kid I

mean I can't be a father I like a nice

quiet house I send him back I see well

we'll have to send him back orille come

here come here come over

here before you go back aren't you going

to give Daddy the book the present that

you brought him I didn't get no book or

present or the presents that you brought

daddy under the couch you hid it

remember

orille oh yeah I remember under the

couch are here oh yeah I remember I put

it there now here you are daddy a very

merry Christmas cuz you're as well Dad

now what is this well isn't that sweet

Dean Now read it what is a boy I know

what a boy is Dean read it very

quietly between the innocence of

babyhood and the Dignity of manhood you

find a delightful creature called a

boy boy is truth with dirt on its

face beauty with a cut on its finger

wisdom with bubblegum in its hair and

the hope of future with a frog in its

pocket a boy is a

composite he has the appetite of a horse

suggestion of a sword swallower the

energy of a pocket size atomic bomb the

Curiosity of a cat the lungs of a

dictator the imagination of a Paul

bunion the shyness of a violet the

audacity of a steel trap the enthusiasm

of a firecracker and when he makes

something he has five thumbs on each

hand nobody else gets so much fun out of

trees dogs and breezes nobody else can

cram into one pocket a rusty knife a

half eaten Apple three fet of spring two

gum drop 6 cents a chunk of unknown

substance and a genuine supersonic Cod

ring with a secret

compartment a boy is a magical creature

you can lock him out of your Workshop

but you can't lock him out of your

heart can't get him out of your study

but you'll never get him out of your

mind might as well give up is your

captain your Jailer your boss and your

master when you come home at night with

only the shattered pieces of your hopes

and dreams he can mend him like noon

with two magic words hi

[Music]

Dad here is a familiar ring

it's found in the best of bathtubs and

it calls for Ajax use Ajax only Ajax

clean so quick polish is so bright and

works so easyuse

ainger it cleans your tub just

like you stop

thex when you start cleaning with Ajax

so use Ajax theing

CER the dirt right down

the only coat Ajax brings mirror

brightness to your bathroom that's right

and in your kitchen too only Ajax clean

so quick polish is so bright works so

easy M and Ajax smells good too so use a

get two cans one for the bathroom one

for the kitchen

Ajax the foaming action

[Music]

cleanser H thank you very much ladies

and gentlemen you're more than kind this

is what we commonly refer to

theatrically as the spot in one

otherwise known as a performance

specialty time when he comes before the

first curtain and he does something by

himself without the aid of any of the

cast and so on well this is where I

usually do my numbers and crazy things

and I always get real excited about it

it's it's it's such a thrilling thing to

do you know and uh well this is my time

to do that certain special thing but

unfortunately when I sat with Dean and

the writers and everything they

we never came up with anything for me to

do here but in television we are on the

clock all the time and we must stick to

schedule and I usually do my specialty

for 3

minutes

[Laughter]

be

Dr move slow don't

it I can just see Mr Colgate now

figuring out what this is cting

[Applause]

him

well thank you thank you very much

ladies and gentlemen we just want want

you to know that January 12th we're

opening at the Sans Hotel uh at the Copa

room at the Sans Hotel in Las Vegas Las

veg yeah in Nevada we want all you

people in New York to remember the day

January 12th in Las Vegas

Nevada uh I think it would be nice if we

call down a gentleman ladies and

gentlemen oh Phil yeah a gentleman who

at the last minute came on the show

because well he's just a nice man and we

would like to ask you to join us in

paying our tribute to one of the greats

of our business Mr Jack Benny ladies and

gentlemen Jack

Benny I want I I want to thank you

fellas for giving me one of the best

parts that I have ever had on any show

really what is that date you're opening

at the Copa Cabana uh no that's at the

Sans Hotel in Las Vegas Jack it's

January 12th but it's awfully expensive

there oh oh well I I'm I'm coming though

I'm bringing a big big party over that

you were bringing a party that's right

to me you know where you fellas are

concerned I mean money is nothing you

know what I mean I know that because I'm

getting nothing what I'm

doing but anyway it'll be nice to you

again because probably the best thing

I've ever done on television well we

certainly were glad to be part of

that thank you a lot Jack

Benny watch the you as a band C hey dick

can you hear us dick I can hear you yeah

because we're going to do it now you

ready dick D let him hear it hold this

all right you ready and so ladies and

gentlemen watch next week when barbar

and Scott and Company in the Hollywood

ice review on this show Merry Christmas

and a Happy New Year and when we see you

again keep just one thing in mind just

remember there's the East Side the West

Side well up down and down in this great

big Metropolis known as New

York

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

and now on behalf of the Colgate Palm

olive company and the entire cast and

crew of the Colgate Comedy Hour I want

to wish you the happiest of holidays the

very merriest of Christmases and the

very best of New Years may peace and

plenty health and happiness go with you

every step of the way this is George

putam saying good night for the Colgate

Comedy Hour which has been presented by

the Colgate Palm Olive company makers of

quality products since

[Music]

1806