Original subtitles

[Music]

The goldgate Comedy

Hour starring Dean Martin and Jerry

Lewis with the modern airs Franklin

Pangborn dgart junr and birdie Bricker

bra presented by the Colgate Palm Olive

company makers of Halo the shampoo that

glorifies your

hair Colgate Dental cream new Colgate

Dental cream now contains

Gall great new formula Fab with more

active dirt

remover and palm Olive shaving creams

for smooth more comfortable

Shades and now the Dean Martin and Jerry

Lewis

show how's your ticket stay in line the

show is great seats are fine please no

pushing let's not fight balcony left

Lo's right balcony left balcony Lefton

left

right listen youngster I've been here it

seems to me half a year I tell you it's

a real disgrace stay in line You'll Lose

Your Place stay in line stay in line

stay in line you lose your

place boys are on in just a while please

don't clutter up the AIS Boys in just a

while don't up the show is on show is

[Applause]

on

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

yeah it's time to present a

most Char J A man that we know we all

have of that team

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

here's the show would be very

incomplete without this boy we would

like to me he's the doll of the

[Music]

year you something that rhymes with

Jerry

Jerry you find something that rhes with

Jer hey

Jerry okay girls I got it I'll take it

from here I got it where is where's

where is Jerry I know where is he's late

who he think he is

me all right well I'll thank it from

here

I got a ride to sing the

blue

I got a ride

to

[Music]

down I got a right to hang

around down around

the

[Music]

hey come

here what do you what do you think you

were doing oh I I was playing with the

band Dean did you know

it yeah I knew it how did you know it

was me you're

taller can you listen to me yeah will

you let me sing a song I'm up here

singing a song all right let's do it a

number the what number where were you

when when you were introduced where were

you I well I was playing with the band

you playing with what band with the

orchester I was playing with them you

know yeah come on let's do the number no

we're not doing it I'm going to do this

myself you can't help me why can I do it

with you because you're encourageable

I'm what what

what encourageable what what does that

mean what what what does that mean

encourageable means that uh when you

incable means what's the difference a

dummy like you won't understand anyhow

oh is that so encourageable means not

corable incapable of being corrected or

amended not reformable unmanageable

unruly delinquent one who lacks purpose

or attachment with an incapacity for

fixity or

[Music]

steadiness I'll take my Trum and go and

you may sing you

peasant get a load of

[Music]

this

[Music]

and um who are you I'm private Robert

elely

puit

private creu uh yes sir right here are

my

papers uh what's your rank

Admiral Admiral in the Army yeah I got

some very good

connection look according to the papers

here you were transferred because you

were a very bad boy well no I wasn't a

bad boy just that uh I was on uh kitchen

duty and I took a slice of

Sam you took a slice of Sam no Sam he

was standing too close to the

slicer he was very tasty

too but look according according

according to these papers according to

these papers you're a boxer well they

happen to be wrong I'm a

span now let me see I don't know don't

try to get out of this BL while while

you're in my outfit you know what you're

going to do you're going to box although

you're going to box oh oh no sir you see

I I'm that's what the paper said no I'm

not going to box I I just want to play

truet that's all I I I I don't want a

box I used to be a bigger

fire but I'm not going fight no I just I

just want to play tret now looking at

you I'm trying to figure out how uh how

you became a fighter oh well that was

when I was a little smaller see I was

walking the street one day with my kid

brother and some guy yelled to him hey

fo oh your little brother has a glass

no he had four

eyes no look look you know what you're

going to do if you don't box in this

outfit I'm going to put you in The

Stockade with Fatso do you know who

Fatso is no no I don't know who fat is

fat happens to be a guy weighs 300 lb

he's 6' 13 and he carries a knife this

guy needs a

knife I don't want to fight you don't

understand Captain you see I just want

to play trumpet that's what to it under

no conditions you you're not going to

fight huh I'll fight for the United

States of America for my

country I'm not going to fight I I'm not

going to box under any condition I have

a very strong willpower I ain't going to

box that's all you sure

absolutely no I like the

trumpet you're not going to box no no

I'm afraid

not this is tough but I love

music and you can hit me and destroy me

and abuse me but you'll never destroy

that feeling I have in my heart for

those

notes dick come

here this boy doesn't want a box for our

outfit oh so you don't want a box

huh I

like I want a box no like I told the

other fell I ain't fighting I'm just

going to play trumpet oh hey come on Lou

ready come

here this kid here doesn't want to

[Music]

[Applause]

B ladies and Gent

gentlemen uh I've made many

presentations but I think this is the

one that I'm the proudest of uh many of

you know that a song written by Jack

Brooks and Harry Warren entitled LaMore

is a big hit I think that the biggest

thrill for performer nowadays is to get

a hit on records well it's a great

thrill for me because it's such a

wonderful thing for my partner this is a

solid gold recording of that samore

which a recording artist gets when he

reaches the million mark my partner now

reach the million Mark and we're going

to present this gold record of that

samore to Mr Dean Martin ladies and

gentlemen how about a real

sh but all I can say is that thank you

Jerry and I want to thank capital and

most of all I want to thank all the

wonderful people who bought this well my

grade did a great job and everybody at

Capital and I think it's wonderful and I

think next time maybe when you make

another recording and it's going to be a

big hit you'll let me play trumpet what

yet so that takes care of that I think

we'll just stand here until they fade to

black how about a nice hand for my

part Elmer needs a shave he slaps on

shave cream then the

razor Elmer thinks he's got a shave but

his wife has different ideas ouch why

don't you shave right why don't you get

an all day shave the Palm Olive shaving

cream way yes a smoother more

comfortable all day shave one that most

men find really lasts from morning till

night over 2,000 men tested the Palm

Olive shaving cream way and seven out of

10 reported beards easier to cut less

razor pull smoother more comfortable

shaves yes and a cleaner closer longer

lasting shave too M smooth why don't you

try the Palm Olive shaving cream way you

get smoother more comfortable all day

shaved by shaving the palive shaving

cream way you get smoother more

comfortable all shaves the pal Olive

shaving cream tomorrow try Palm Olive

brushless or Palm Olive lather shaving

cream and men to top off your perfect

shave use the lotion that soothes your

face from shave to shave new Palm Olive

After Shave

lotion

[Music]

wow hello oh hi Eddie yeah look I want

to talk you about the opening of the

Copa you know 21st January about that

samor you know that arrangemen on it

uh-huh yeah well I want to hey D my

cousin Hy wrote a song hold it with Hy

what Hy I'm talking on the phone okay

yeah but he still wrote it and I thought

that make forget it just give me a light

will J look Eddie you know what I want

first huh first of all you know what I

want first of all hey first of all I

want a great big fan Fair a great big

fan fair you know what I mean big as you

got and second when you play with the

trombones you know what happens with the

trombones I want a nice SL

then that's and you know with with the

nice subet real

low low that's it low that's that's what

I'm talking about you know what I mean

nice that's stop all righted all right

I'll call you I'll call you when I get

into Pittsburgh right you just let me

know okay

hey oh what do you want I just wanted to

tell you about my cousin har he wrote

this terrific song for you what song

it's entitled the alligator hop jump

skip song alligator hop jump skip song

and

slide it's a romantic badine and

terrific for you it goes like this the

alligator hop jump skip song and

fly the alligator H them skip on and

[Music]

F he Wes the C and opens his mouth the

alligator

[Music]

hot that's the song and

fly tell your cousin hery that I don't

come

in Mr Mar Mr Mrs balabin and their son

and daughter are downstairs oh send them

up yes you know what who's here what Mr

balabin Mr Balin all the Pont theaters

he wants to make a big picture deal with

you and me now watch your manners do

everything correctly no don't worry I'll

watch my manners On My Honor I will do

my best to spare the basic ingredients

the rence of one who certainly knows

best for those who haven't warranted any

pain or subti on the part of anyone else

and come in come in come in come in

right this way please well Dean how are

you to this is B my daughter

son-in-law well Dean nice to see you

again fine say how long you going to run

here de oh just about two more weeks

well we thought that we would just

uh we've had uh various engagements on

the road you know you look very well Mr

B remember to need a

shade how's it going with you Mrs Babin

you've never looked better all by myself

you're pretty fat but you never look

[Music]

better you know last year uh we were

working in the P Beach had a Wonder it's

a funny

thing you know I'll tell you a funny

story we were working in Boston about 3

weeks

[Music]

ago in person well you thank you very

well which bin are you Bill oh come on

beautiful maybe we better talk about

this at some other time no no I ordered

some food for you I ordered some

spaghetti meatball and soup C soup and I

everything you want you know what I mean

yeah we didn't order anything for Mrs

Bal because she's

W sit down have something to drink while

you're W get some water for Miss Val

some water yes right away oh yeah he a a

sick man well I wanted to talk about the

picture to you well we'll get to that in

a few moments we'll talk about the

picture where you

going Jerry look at you matter I'm

dressed take your fingers out of those

glass what's wrong with you go get the

bottled

water go get the bottle of water he

said well he's all right he's not in his

right

this water what are you trying to do do

you have do you

[Music]

have what's wrong with it you're cing

well there was a hole in a bottle

a come on we've got to get out of here

no the lunch is coming the lunch the

lunch is coming here sit down the lunch

is coming

thank you very much thank

you here you are here we are Mr balabin

miss balabin Mr balabin Mrs balabin and

[Music]

SL what are you going to do what what

are you do I'm going to eat up well you

got to wash your hands first they didn't

wash their hands they don't have to

they're rich

pretty nice very nice huh this is the

worst very

[Music]

nice you know you know what I you know

what I

you know what I forgot what I forgot the

napkins and forgot to tack this up the

napkins yeah oh for goodness sake oh

good idea

another you hold it from the other

side

I'd like to say a few words about Texas

right

[Music]

[Applause]

here all

right all right all together lift the

trays on three 1 two three what's wrong

with you

what you do with the other ones it

doesn't have to the money's in her name

all right now this a like a napkin and a

tablecloth now we can finally aim isn't

this terrific very nice it's a little

messy though isn't it my goodness boy

you're getting messy on

this

I'm sorry

ter look what you did to me look what

you did to me how you doing Al look what

you did to me go answer the phone answer

the phone you're not doing anything pick

this up answer the phone what's wrong

with you is my Heavens the best hello

hello forgot your hat yes I forgot my

hat oh I'll get it for you I'm sorry

what happened Mr ban maybe we can talk

talk about the picture some other time

yes sir ridiculous

[Applause]

surely they made a pizza out of my

partner hey help help somebody hey help

somebody help help I got to get Jay's

flattened

out my

boy what what are you doing here what do

you think I'm doing I was answering the

phone I think this is terrible the way I

have to be you're an idiot you're stupid

you're a fper that's what you are you

haven't got it up here yeah well I must

have it some place oh come on come on

nothing that's the phone a leave me

alone for a change hello yeah 6 minutes

how many 6 minutes okay thank you very

much yes

sir

[Music]

hello hello Doo Oh yeah who is this this

Eddie Eddie you're a ranger oh how you

mean Eddie fine Eddie uh do you know

listen uh I got

arange the way I say so I don't like it

I don't care whether you like it or not

you make it the way I say so you

understand now Me Oh Hang Up I'm

Point Jerry do you know what's going on

down below now

why so our fans that's all you'll have

to do something about your fans down in

the street now they're blocking traffic

the police are complaining please do

something well the only thing we can do

is throw pictures throw pictures

anything like always go just go

pict there go go get it hey there

go here we go no more pictures hi time

[Music]

here throw them all make them

happy

[Applause]

well they won us see

[Music]

[Applause]

you

wow oh Junior will your name be mud with

Mom not me what he close don't by the

mom anymore want to

see Junior wasn't kidding his mom's not

mad because she's got great new formula

Fab great new Fab with more active dirt

remover than any other leading product

Fab penetrates even the dirtiest wash

twice as fast with more active dirt

remover yes Fab gives you more active

dirt remover for Junior's play clothes

more active dirt remover for Dad's

shirts Fab now gives you more active

dirt remover for everything you wash and

in addition to the greatest amount of

active dirt remover Fab contains not one

but two of the most effective whitening

ingredients ever discovered now only Fab

washes your clothes so clean and white

so fast no bluing no bleaching except

for stubborn stains yet Fab is milder to

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so get the dirt out fast and easy with

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leading

product

the matter they wear their hair

everything it does make now of course

the little upch knows and there you are

ladies and

gentlemen and that that ladies and

gentlemen concludes Juke art

demonstration and don't forget folks the

material that I made this face of

Miracle play clay will soon be on sale

here at Brew Baker and Company I

hope don't you worry Mr art when Mr

Breer knows what you can do with that

Miracle play clay he's going to give you

one great big tremendous order thank you

by the way is it time for my coffee now

uh the commissary is up on the fifth

floor but be back in 10 minutes because

I'm expecting Mr breaker and will he be

surprised when he sees this oh

wonderful come on CH we only got 40

minutes now let's fight 40 minutes let's

By the Great Horn Spoon it's a child's

Paradigm I got to get look at all these

nice things here oh look at this

thing I can I be of assistance to you

sir I'd like to get a toy for my

kids you're a good daddy and I love you

oh come on now I'd like to get a little

toy from a child is it a boy or a girl I

don't know my wife doesn't right

we have a great big tremendous stock

right here you're perfectly welcome to

browse around thank you Mr

browser now go ahead now don't get into

any Mischief you no I won't Dean I just

like to look at all these things my

goodness gracious isn't this terrific

boy I didn't have much of a childhood

what's fun to be a

youth hello

hello lior

fish can I have a

p can I have a lick

no but you got a lot of

it what's the difference if I take a

little piece no it's my licorice don't

yell Sunny come on wise it's

embarrassing no no yelling no yelling

what's a little pie don't call your

father don't no it's a little matters

what matters oh he's trying to take my

candy I think you know who the licorice

belongs to well what about it smart guy

I'm playing a little p huh come on two

against one hey hey hey de de de help me

help me come on what's the matter this

guy's taking this away from me hold on

oh p d come on you're strong you're from

sville

pull come on D to me come on how hard

can i

p sorry so what seems to be the trouble

a some Wise Guys stealing my kids Licor

of all the nerve I'll help you puss come

on okay come on I don't need your help I

can do it

alone 1 2

[Music]

[Applause]

3 I'm sorry that's all right come along

son yeah thank you take those adlers

off what did you do hey what did you do

I I knocked everything down put

everything back and put that ball on the

top yeah I will put it on the top all

right I see you're interested in the

waiting pool yes a

nice oh you do I want to tell you that

is oh were you interested in the ball

well I I I how much is this C only 1975

forget the ball take it back put put

right back belone I want to tell you

this is one of the most popular articles

that we have in the whole it is and

that's and the joy the joy that this

brings to the children

you know and you see they

[Music]

can don't you come down here come

[Music]

down what do you

doing

you sorry I'm off

I look and I'd expecting Mr Pro I'll buy

the pool I'll buy the pool buy the pool

oh that's great surpr me that that's

wonderful now I'll go get a book and

write out the order myself I'll be

right I'll be you can make it you'll be

right

back you see what you made me do well

you made me buy a pool well it's a nice

waiting pool a for your children it's a

nice one how do I know my kids can Wade

well all of them couldn't in there

anyhow it's an awful lot of things the

train set that goes wo how do I know my

kids going woo W well what about this

the chemistry set is very nice I have no

chamers at home wait not have no chamers

at home I ought to R look at all the

nice things you can do oh be careful

because you see all this is what are you

doing Jerry well you just pour little

things do you know what you're doing

well yeah I think

rid of it get get rid of

it get out of

here don't you have something to say to

him would you would you validate our

parking

ticket young man young man during my 20

years of experience and my experience

with ruer in comedy I have been

subjected to many in

indignities and I want you to understand

that up until now I have subscribed all

the time for the Golden Rule of breaker

and Company which I admire all through

my life Comes A Time the customer is

always right but I want you to

understand that there comes a time when

one's patience has reached the dying

point and I want you to know

absolutely to know that the inner man

must rebel I I Wilber Wilber see whip

absolutely has reached the point that he

throws everything to the

[Music]

windo I've had it I've had it I've had

it

[Music]

I've had it I've had it I've had

[Applause]

it

look Jerry I think we better get out of

here cuz I think this kid's got it yeah

but then he didn't validate our parking

ticket come come on let's get out of

you're all right G wiiz you always yell

and everything and

[Music]

[Laughter]

I

[Music]

what did you do to my model Mr breaker

will never place an order with me now I

I know you two you two are Martin and

Louis and if I lose this order for my

Miracle play clay from Mr Brewbaker I'll

sue you for every time you got believe

me you won't have anything left we're

going to get sued again listen to me I'm

sorry de don't yell at me don't be mean

to me I'll be mean you come with me I'm

going get that guy yeah you come with me

come no Dean you can't help him

de now look Johnson I know I'm due at

that meeting in a few minutes but I have

to see a Mr uh dukart junr here about a

play statue or something like that you

run ahead and tell them I'll be there in

a few minutes as soon as I get through

here all right Mr Baker fine go ahead Mr

Art Duke what happened

[Applause]

here oh I beg a are you Mr R what I'm Mr

art are you Mr art I'm Mr Brewbaker oh

oh yeah I'm Mr art sure I'm Mr art you

Mr breaker how this is the model the new

plan this the statue this is it look at

this look at this why that's look

beautiful it looks so lifel yeah watch

how it stretch look at that look at this

and it goes right back to shap watch how

it goes back to look look at that now

look at that watch go back look at that

now that's marvelous why it really has

real hair too certainly does look at

that may I do that be my

geese how do you like that it's very

lifelike indeed yes I think we'll place

place an order with your concerns but

first I must have this bus for my office

no not this this is the one I I'll make

[Music]

I'll make you I'll take this no you

can't have please stop being silly will

you I want this one

here what happened my partner what he do

my partner oh I'll never hit him again

never even if he is encourageable I'll

never hit him again encourageable not

caral and of being corrected or

amended

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

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good evening ladies and gentlemen those

of you who have followed the progress of

Music are probably aware of the recent

Innovations in the medium of sound the

last decade has produced entirely

original musical sounds via the

introduction of such instruments as the

gourd morus clavis sonovox and thean the

success of these musical Adventures has

spurred our contemporary composers to

seek even more Unique Sounds tonight we

are honored to have with us a world

famous concert artist who will perform

for the first time on any stage a new

work by Leroy Anderson incorporating the

very latest Innovations in melodics

ladies and gentlemen we are proud to

introduce Our Guest virtuoso of the

evening Petro Del

[Applause]

Kanto

[Music]

[Music]

yeah

[Music]

[Music]

oh

[Music]

yeah

[Music]

w

[Music]

[Applause]

a

[Music]

[Applause]

now one soap is proved the mildest soap

of all milder than any other leading

soap one soap is proved better for

complexion care better for complexion

care that soap is Palm Olive yes Palm

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see how proper care with 100% mild Palm

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that school girl complexion look change

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thank you very much ladies and gentlemen

you've been very wonderful we would like

right about here to thank everyone who

have helped us with muscular distopy MDA

right about now has about $4 million

through our ton and there's more coming

we want to say thank you so very much to

all of you and don't forget next week

folks on Colgate hour Mr Allan young

Frank sinat Stan freeberg and B Crosby

and his friends with the winner of the

13th annual National Pro amateur golf

championship that and I'll be there too

cuz I'm you'll be there playing golf

while I'm on the train going to the

copaa band in New York and of course we

want to thank television life a great

magazine a forcet publication for the

wonderful tie up that we have with the

winner free trip to Mexico on American

Airlines their wonderful DC 6s the

contest is great and we'd like very much

for you ladies and gentlemen to join and

participate you may win a trip to Mexico

via American Airlines it's the planes

that go up in the air so we have a good

fortun of working for you again and we

sincerely hope at soon we'd like to

thank the crew we'd like to thank our

wonderful uh producer director Ernie

luxman and our very wonderful director

on the booth bud yorin and his staff all

the cameramen good night you've been

wonderful God bless you thank

[Applause]

[Music]

you

[Music]