Original subtitles

[Music]

the Colgate Comedy

Hour starring Dean Martin and Jerry

Lewis with Mary

mccardy Benny Ruben Sheldon Leonard

Danny Arnold Fay

McKenzie s seal time and wheel bird and

wheel presented by the Colgate pel of

Pete company makers of Halo

shampoo AJ

cleanser Fab the new wash day

Suds and palm Olive lather shaving cream

and now the Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis

show good evening ladies and gentlemen

and welcome to another session of guest

the guests our panel tonight consists of

those International celebrities Wanda

Wick a harvey Fon birdie sne and Arnold

weed and I'm your moderator Sydney SW

and now to our first game of guest the

guest a panel cover your eyes you know

peeking now good now will our two guests

check in

[Laughter]

please

[Laughter]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

what

H we have two mystery guests this

evening now let's see if you can

identify them come I try and guess who

we are they know us in in every home in

the country oh you're plumbers no shut

up plumbers plumbers how can be plumber

what is she crazy or something what kind

of crazy name is this what a plumber

what is she crazy what kind of an answer

is this listen maybe listen to

this not your best who are we I know

you're not in Show Business why what are

they crazy or something where did they

get these crazy people what is this let

me get come here lady lady look take the

hands away look at me who am I Robie

mcow crazy is something lady hey you

look at my partner take a look who am I

look John

carad what are they crazy what

you

well I don't know I don't

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

like hello hello you did it again you

made buffoons out of us can't even don't

even know how to spell your own name

well what do you want from me I can't

help it if I'm not well well I'll tell

you what to just forget the whole thing

announce my song I don't have to fight

don't want I always have to announce

your song and I don't want to you don't

want to announce my song no okay then

just announce a song

okay you're

confusing ladies and gentlemen I don't

have to tell you that we've missed you

we've been away from you for some time

but not because we want to we've been

working in pictures and in television we

have a a a shop you see where we fix

sets during the week and uh it just

takes up all of our

time oh am I in the wrong spot oh I'm

off the well where's the plate down here

oh I see all right right over the

top oh over here all right we have some

more which which spot oh look at them

they're going

mad look at him you have a headache

haven't

you oh yeah ladies and gentlemen before

we really get started I do have to make

mention the fact that we have a new

picture coming out that Hal Wallace our

very wonderful produc and produced and

it's a very funny picture it's called

scared stiff now it opens in all

theaters all all over the country and we

want you to see it uh Decoration Day is

the release date it's called scared

stiff and how Wallace produced it and

this producer is one

[Applause]

[Music]

Mano everybody Halo Halo shampoo

presents the inside story of the Wolf

and Little Red Riding Hood hi red ridden

Hood where you going that's a pretty

silly question from a wolf why I'm going

to Grandma's for shampoo and don't try

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minute what do you use for shampoo this

why it's no wonder your hair looks like

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[Music]

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glorifies

it Mr Martin Mr Lewis in taking out this

partnership insurance policy you've made

the smartest move of your career now if

something should happen to either one of

you the other one is protected yes sir a

million dollars worth of protection

congrat congatulations gentlemen about

that you know that insurance policy

that's that's a great thing yeah you

mean if something should happen just

imagine if something happens to me you

get a million yeah in

[Music]

cash of course it works the other way

too Mr Martin oh sure remember de if

anything happens to me then you get a

million dollars

right I know how you fellas feel a

million dollars a lot of money why

people have m forette oh yeah I read in

the paper the other day about a guy

[Music]

that you boys have nothing to worry

about you're more like brothers than

Partners you're so right jer's like a

brother to

me I didn't do anything we want to thank

you very much sir thank you and if we

ever need any more Insurance we'll

certainly get in touch with you thank

you very

goodbye after you

then after me yeah yeah go ahead after

you be my guest well uh I well let's go

easy

[Music]

easy I'll have to finish the job later

Mrs M I'll pH your body all right Mr

cetti yeah in the meantime don't use

that garbage disposal you see because

the PIP will be all stuck up till I get

a chance to flush some chemicals through

them see I'll remember no I got to go

out this way I got my truck parked in

the alley I'll phone you later oh all

right

bye

hello

dear who are you I'm your wife oh good

you can

stay Dean what's the matter what the

matter my partner's going to kill me

yeah we took we took out insurance if

anything happens to me he's gonna kill

me killan Martin of all the nonsense now

look I'm going to the store and if the

plumber phones while I'm gone you Dean

are you listening yeah yeah yeah yeah oh

never mind why you should be ashamed of

I'm not ashamed myself cuz I'm going to

get killed yes I'll bet you that Jerry's

not behaving like you no sir not Jerry

why he loves and he trusts you and he'll

come over here the way he always does

full of faith and trust and

confidence

very

oh love is in protect me please protect

me over I'll protect me over I'm going

to get killed on are you all right Mr

Lewis no I'm not stay with me please

stay with me I can't stay with you I've

got a whole beat to cover do you have

your gun do you have your gun is it

loaded my part is going to kill me Mr

Martin's going to kill you yes he's

going to kill me oh you comedians

anything for a laugh how do you

comedians come up with them well we sit

down at A

T be brave

jar

[Music]

who

me it's me Jerry your partner Jerry who

my partner Jerry LS your

[Laughter]

partner

oh de it's silly I thought you were

going to kill me I got all upset about

nothing and hi I thought you're going to

kill me too buddy buy it's not silly

with Partners in

pal oh

you're listen I came over to rehearsing

that's all I know oh before we rehearse

I think we should have a little old

drink and I'm going to mix it you're

going to mix a drink

yeah Dad Z shall I go along with them

why not what do you got to lose

huh you sit down and I'll get you a

drink yeah all right Dean I I I'll I'll

wait you you make a drink you just sit

right there now yeah nonsense no all

right

Dean nice place you have Dean me

nice oh oh spare me oh I'm So Young To

Die oh spare me oh please spare me I'm

just a youth are

you

[Music]

hello hello Martin this is cross CNY Hey

I was talking to your wife and I got a

thought you know you can save a lot of

dough by doing a job yourself well I'm

not Mar you see the job

of course this kind of thing you know

gets awful messy me messy yeah oh oh

messy yeah if I was you I would just

twist the elbow till a trap opens and

pour down a cup of sulfuric acid

Suri in the trap door twist the elbow

yeah so so if you do the job yourself

remember one cup of acid and your

troubles are rolling oh yeah my troubles

are over listen after you pour down the

acid you will hear some giggling

ginging but everything will be all right

yeah it'll be all right what you listen

after the goling soon as the soon as the

gigling

stops when the gigling is all over just

wash away the remains wash them away

sure cuz it'll be messy and diry

I'm nauseous from this conversation well

good luck I'll check you later

okay

oh buddy yes de were you talking on the

phone who me why of course not why were

you expecting a call who me but of

course not that silly how you can get

all next

listen I wasn't saying anything about

anything Mur he's going to kill me on

the phone he was going to kill me a

murderer he was going to kill me a

murderer he wasn't going to kill you

let's be friends huh yeah let's be

friends all right oh which one of us

could think of the line oh let's

be there'll be a test pattern in 3

minutes all I know is all I know is that

you're trying to murder me that's all oh

no I'm not trying to murder you come on

let's make up let's grab a cup of acid

acid you heard that didn't you you heard

it you're going to kill me you want to

kill me yes you do want to kill

me Hey Thomas have you seen my gun your

gun yes why you accuse me of seeing your

gun I have no idea what the gun is no

I've been sitting around I haven't been

doing nothing how come you're walking

like this I've always walked like this I

never noticed this seven years you're

not very

observing all right you you sure you

didn't take my gun no don't be silly

well then then let's start rehearsals

huh come on let's go yeah let's dance

first no let's do the song that number

we're going to do let's dance let's

dance

[Music]

you don't know where my gun is what is

this what does this look like to you for

heaven's sakes my favorite pip fa P why

do you do things like

I'm sorry I just been scared that's all

well that's all right let's forget about

the whole which one of you guys wants

the job

done Stay With Me Dean we'll get him we

got to stick together Dean stay with me

shh I hear a

noise

oh oh D oh Dean what did I do to my

partner hey you guys are nuts Dean what

did I do to my I'm sorry oh Deanie I'm

sorry what did I do Dean was right you

murderer you you won't get away

with oh what I do to my

partner

my I found you pH

I I forgot to get your signature and

without your signature the policy is no

good you mean it's no good if we didn't

sign it it's all void that's right and

we have to sign it to make it good if

you will please if you'll sign it to

make it good that's oh sure we'll sign

it you got to sign it make

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

it

[Music]

[Applause]

when it's time for play and the gang is

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[Applause]

[Music]

oh hello I've just been uh rereading the

Arabian Knights it's wonderful do you

know the most fascinating character in

the book was the old Whipping Boy you

see in those days it was against the law

to strike a son of Royal Blood even the

king or caleff couldn't lay a hand on

his own son so every prince had his own

Whipping Boy and the arrangement was

very simple anytime time the prince was

mischievous or got out of line the calei

or King just beat the brains out of the

Poor Unfortunate Whipping

[Music]

Boy

alas oh great and Noble

mouy I am the ruler of all Baghdad but

today my heart is heavy with the evil

and the wicked Deeds of Abdul my Elder

son eel is coming eel is coming see how

he leads from balcony to

balcony it is I call it prin ofel Co of

[Music]

are you popy old hound dog

you what are you doing there Abdul one

of these days

zone right on the

countenance I papy know you can't rip me

I'm the Prince I have a special Whipping

Boy for that you had a Whipping Boy but

with all your Mischief yesterday we

beted him this morning how about that

fourth this week boy I'm really Lous

ain't I pop I have prayed to the mty for

a new Whipping Boy and when I find him

you shall suffer more that's okay I dig

suffering pop dig suffering what sort of

jog on

his oh great Prince we have caught a

thief in the palace oh this is just a

cat I've been looking for bring him in

it bring in the Come N are you n oh

you oh a plague on thee a plague on thee

thou father of a nail

file you fathers of space

cadet be gone oh you Monsters of a

seal I'm a dog why you ton Ron you w if

I thought of kneel before the

prince

take oh father of a word oh sister of an

ant

oh oh sister of a bird oh spare me oh

spare

me lady stop me I was running

out who are you Thief who am I I am the

son of Tony

Curtis oh yes oh Prince oh why you used

to be the prince who was the gath but

now how how would you like a

job iire oh thank the oh bag that be

thine oh be thine you like a job oh yes

where oh where tell me won't you

oce crazy

man I would like a job oh my

sire now this job this job here requires

a strong man and you look oh you look

bad to me well you see I've had

virus but I can be strong oh yes S I can

be strong listen to this you're the guy

that gave it to my camel in the back all

right well I must have the job tell me

what I am to do oh please give me my job

come on priny tell me what to do princy

I'm going to tell you what to do I'm

going to give you a chance you're going

to be my own special Whipping Boy all

right now wait a darn minute now just

wait one darn

minute don't talk to the prince like

this oh sister of a steal father of a

whale listen I'm going to tell you what

to do see oh tell me what you do you

know what a Whipping Boy does a Whipping

Boy Yes I whip people I hit him and all

that no not quite that you see now when

I ring this gong like this you come and

run

see the next contestant from new Wick

she doesn't tap

now see that's what you do when you hear

that you come running out yes I will oh

I will oh thank you Father of a new nose

Stinger

ah he you threw me

off oh it's will take more than a pack

of wild horses Your Wagon yo pop look at

me I'm sitting on the

throne I am not yet ready to join my

ancestors while there's still a breath

of life in me nobody takes my place I

just sitting up there for that listen to

me it has come to my attention that you

broke into the Herm again is this true

it sure is and let me tell you you got a

nice batch of chicks back

there real crazy chick oh I wish we had

a Whipping Boy but we have yes yes we

have I got a special Whipping Boy where

is he what be my guest watch this boy

you come and run

[Music]

it anyone for

whipping

AB you have been Wicked and for that you

must

suffer did it Hur you ABD did it Hur you

fine fine from now on I want you to be

good good good good good good chicken

strong pop it's a nice job I got

huh now give me the key to the get him I

said give me the

key you

kidding give me that key or I shall have

to use no no no give him the key give it

to I you I hate to do this my son you

can't hurt me give me that key oh oh

I'll give it to him Abby give it to

man give me the key oh oh give the kid

the

key I think you made a very wise

decision oh arm broken arm oh

bleeding

yeah now now my boy if I ever catch you

breaking into my her him again it will

go hard with you is it clear this clear

is it clear yes yes yes sir isn't he

overacting a little bit

this huh I don't know from this job I

don't understand this I know he don't

like to hit you you know it HS him to

hit you because you're his kid but it's

killing

me did you told me I was going to be a

whipping boy you're a Whipping Boy this

is a Whipping Boy you mean every time

you do something good

day we're going to have a lot of fun now

yeah we're going to have a party oh

goody goody gum drop boy what this all

righty look at this

a how dare dare

you is this one have you ever had so

many laughs this is terrific Yep this is

great you thought that was great where

who wrote this sketch the Newberg

jewelry oh here comes a player from

uscc this is

outrageous

have you ever had so much fun in your

life a whipper I'd like to invite some

of my friends

though but this is going to top

everything what hold on hold on a

semester oh no oh no this is a truck

driver take it easy oh no don't kiss her

no she'll kill me don't kiss her look at

her hold up but don't kiss her no don't

K you'll kill me look at a corrector

take it for a moled but Don

stop all right I won't kiss her oh so

I'm not good enough to be

kissed

oh oh I know I didn't want to know from

this job I'm not interested in this kind

of a job that's a good thing no it's not

a good thing a good job that is

bad my favorite wife and this you would

do to

me I never expected that you would do

such a thing to me

you the boy who is my

pride and

[Music]

joy come

on what is it pardon the interruption

osire it's time for the ritual of mouy

mouy we will now give our blessings to

mouy

[Music]

crazy how dare you before I give the

blessing for that you shall have no

supper you

hear you're right you're right Bo when

you're right pop you're

right again no but you meant him that's

right I'm sorry you meant me no suffer

give me a

banana look e again e again my boy yes

you have suffered long enough now you

may eat something no please no uh please

eat something no for me for

Dad all right it's too

late take my heart I

love we will give our blessings to the

harmonica

[Music]

got

clo

what have I done oh Ella oh what have I

done I'll be killed aha a thought comes

to my mind they'll never know aha what

happened to

[Music]

the no whipper Oh Where Art Thou whipper

AB my son give these rare Delicacies for

the mouet you are your mind I'm going to

eat them myself for

shame you saage eating what belongs to

the mouy oh mouy forgive us mofy tell me

what shall I do with my wayward son

speak to me all right now first of all

forget about the royalty bit anytime he

gets mad Bel belt him smack him kill him

he don't desire hit him fight him it's

all right with me is this clear the

mouthy has spoken Blended

by

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

a Ajax clean your kitchen sink up to

twice as easy twice as fast a theing

CER clean just like a

wh you stop paying the elbow tax when

you start cleaning with Ajax so use Ajax

the foaming

CER the

the a leav no gritty cleanser scar

in

ouring like a wh remember Colgate Ajax

Foams as it cleans Ajax Cuts grease

faster than any other leading cleanser

Ajax polishes as it

cleans M and it smells good too so use a

[Music]

ja

why not see for yourself how Ajax cleans

your kitchen sink up to twice as easy

and twice as fast as any other leading

cleanser get two cans for your kitchen

and bathroom Ajax the foaming action

[Music]

cleanser

go ahead throw it don't be a scared

Splendid my luck charm I never go on a

stage without it ladies and gentlemen

very seriously I would like to say that

we get so many wonderful letters from so

many nice people that we thought we

would just take a spot in the show and

answer them at one time many people

would like to know when we'll be Turing

the country well it's coming this summer

as of May the 14th de and I will open at

the Fox Theater in Detroit for one week

that's May the 14th so you very people

in Detroit we'd like for you to come in

and those in hamic you can come too of

course we would like to say seriously

also that on May the 23rd Dean and I

will be at the Chicago stadium in

Chicago for the very important Italian

welfare benefit we'd like you to buy

your tickets and do a very wonderful

thing for the Italian children in Europe

then on May the 24th we play the PGA

golf tournament for the cancer Fund in

New York City call cancer in New York

they will tell you how to get your

tickets oh we're going to be so busy

then on May the 31st we do our final fin

TV show of the season from New York City

with the lights and the buildings and

things and oh then after that we sail

for Europe now this is the important

thing if you want to get tickets for

these engagements listen carefully now

we open at the Royal Theater in Glascow

Scotland on the 15th of June and then

the 22nd of June at the London Palladium

in London listen to this carefully from

there we go to the lowy Sweden for 4

days now after the 4 days in Sweden at

the low always we go to the RKO Vienna

that's for five days in Vienna and then

on to Howard Johnson's in Constantinople

week ladies and gentlemen now that

that's taken care of I'm very thrilled

and excited about something that was

shown to me today this is parents guide

magazine this is a very very wonderful

magazine written for children and

parents and so on and we would like very

much to make mention the fact that

they're going to give me something kind

of like and uh what are you looking at

the magazines so long and uh I would

like to kind introduce this gentleman

who's the editor-in chief and the

committee chairman of parents guide

magazine Mr Frederick Tompson in our

audience we'd like a nice hand for a

very nice man Mr

[Applause]

Thompson we're very very happy to have

you on our show Mr Thompson thank you

I'm a little

nervous well Jerry as you know parents

guide magazine is a publication devoted

to the interests of parents and children

throughout the country country now we're

not an awards committee as a matter of

fact we've never given an award before

but this time we felt we just had to do

something so Jerry on behalf of parents

guide representing 22 million parents

and children I take great pride in

making this

presentation oh allow me to read the

inscription if I

may to Jerry Lewis in consideration of

the vast influence he holds over the

minds and mores of American children in

appreci iation of the superior comedic

Talent with which he has brought joy to

their hearts and in recognition of the

example he set before them parents guide

magazine is proud to Tender this

[Applause]

award well uh Mr Thompson first time in

a long time I didn't know what to say

well uh all I can add Jerry is you

deserve this award thank you and I'm

proud to have made it thank you very

much Mr Thompson I

appreciate this is a great thrill

getting an award from parents and

children I suppose mainly because I do

an awful lot of things you know radio

television and pictures with the a of

Dean of course but more or less on my

side of the partnership I do some things

like in one show a few months ago I hit

my mother on the head when I was playing

the part of a child with a lamp and some

kid in Newark who liked me hit his

mother on the head only he sent her to

of the hospital for 5 days with

stitches so I'm very happy to get this

award to see that the mothers and

children don't hold these things against

me it's very thrilling I would like very

much to say

that I would like to say that

uh getting an award

is

uh I I I don't I don't

have

Thon there I'm

almost I want to Mr

Thompson

[Applause]

THS

well blue what do you say we just sing

about three or 4 thousand more songs and

then we'll go off with a night what what

is it I'm your partner I know this I

know it and I like that song and

everything Dean and I thought that uh

you thought what well speak up speak up

I I'm ashamed don't be ashamed we out

here in front of 40 million people what

do you be ashamed of well well you see

Dean I like that song you sang and

everything like that and uh every once

in a while you let me sing and you're

swell Ginger peachy and Sterling doing

so and uh I thought that you'd love to

be more or less Keen tonight uh if you

would allow me to sing that song I like

that number if the red red robin Wheels

I

wish if you want to sing it go ahead

sing it ask dick if you play dick yeah

but I got find dick could you play uh

the red red robin song that Dean T could

you play it my key for me well J I'll

tell you we have a funny I just let me

know I mean because Dean Dean let me do

iter was kind of funny no wait no wait

dick no listen you see Dean probably let

me I've got to ask the boys no wait no

stop st and ask him if you wait no one

second no listen no no this is not this

is no this is not funny no there's no

listen no listen no wait no no no wait

no wait you wait no no wait listen now

we just could you play this song in my

key answer no wait no wait no no listen

no I just no listen no no no listen no

no it's just

wait no listen No I want just tell me

yes or no that's all I no listen I'm

trying to ask him I want him to answer

listen wait no no that's all I'm just

one sec listen I'm going to find out

could you play this song in my key well

no

yes that's no that's all I asked no

listen me now is it fair I'm only asking

see no I'm asking I want no is that hard

yes or

no you understand why man

yes

or yes or no could you play this song

[Music]

little Here We Go Again listen

dick would you play this going in mik

key I've got no

listen listen he's got to answer hold on

a second now the thing is all

over can't play it for you because it's

not arranged in your key how do you like

those apples Shirley

well I I I was just wondering thanks a

lot for your

time well let's do something sort of I'd

live now what do you think I've been

doing

[Music]

before you want to just let's talk

social can we see the card please what

does it say just show us the card you

just showed us these people that's good

that's a nice can you people see what

this says one minute how can you fight

this this is clear clean cut one you see

this see this is deathly already we got

we have this now 30 which one do we have

1 or 30 speak up 1 minute oh boy then we

don't need those 130 all right what do

you say we uh well let's do some kind of

routine that we did when we were

starving in uh Stubenville remember that

time the railroad station now I have

something of the utmost importance to

tell the people ladies and gentlemen we

want you to know that coming up is

Brotherhood

week and all you

Brothers All You brothers who have hoods

for brothers we want

[Music]

you forget about that we just want to

tell you about that that wasn't dir I

know it wasn't dir he was afraid I was

going to say a dirty word no we just

want you people to know the

next we just want you to know next week

ladies and gentlemen our good and

wonderful little friend Mr Edward caner

Edward caner you knew like I

know you never knew right hold on a

second now you tell wonderful people

about MDA next week go we'd like you to

know that MDA ladies and gentlemen is

the charity the dean and I try very hard

to help as much as we possibly can if

you can send your contributions to MDA

New York 8 New York we would appreciate

it very much we're off the air aren't we

the camera's off and everything what

happened to the lights oh there we are

you try to get away but you can't until

we see you on May 31st thank you good

night and God bless you God bless you

good

[Applause]

night the Colgate Comedy Hour has been

presented by Halo

[Applause]

shampoo Ajax

ler B the new wash day

Suds and palm Olive lather shaving

cream

[Music]