Original subtitles

[Music]

the Colgate Comedy

Hour starring Dean Martin and Jerry

Lewis with their special guest Danny

Lewis

and Tommy wonder and Margaret Banks

Danny Arnold and Elizabeth

root presented by the CATE palom Olive

Pete company makers of Halo

shampoo P Olive lather shaving

cream Ajax

cleanser and the new wash day

sun and now the Dean Martin and Jerry

Lewis

show parents and teachers parents and

teachers the meeting will now begin as

your chairman it gives me great pleasure

to welcome you to this most auspicious

meeting of the bird wheel parent

Teachers

Association as parents and teachers I

think you should meet the two young men

who have captured the hearts of our

children and so without further Ado here

are those fabulous young men those great

stars of stage screen radio and

television Dean Martin and Jer Lewis

[Music]

[Applause]

hello everyone hello

hello hello

hello

hello

[Applause]

hello here we are all right speak up

you've been

drinking H H you are here tonight

because we are here tonight because of

what you wanted to work now say your

line the who the teachers love us yes

the teachers love and who else and the

children most the children love us we

didn't know the children like us like

that are you

kidding when my child runs around all

day imitating you in the night get out

of

here yeah my boy has a hair just like

you my kth can taste like that too but

she's a girl she's a girl like I've got

two kids you have two kids yeah they run

around the house all day long breaking

Furniture spilling water and putting ice

cream in my

hair this is cute that's I I think

that's real C well how would you like to

have a kid run around all day with I

like it I like it get out that's nothing

take a look at what they did to my kid

go ahead don't flying

don't like

it no don't shake me you can hug me and

squeeze me but don't shake me please

don't I like it I like it oh don't take

it don't take it oh I'm going crazy I

actually I'm going crazy well what I

want to know is what are we going to do

[Music]

about I mean you see what you just did I

didn't do nothing shut up I'll give you

a squint look listen to me I just stood

there I didn't stay away it's all on a I

like it I like it they don't squeeze it

don't push it what do you talk what it's

all you they didn't do anything about me

oh in otherwise that everything they

said with me don't shake it I like it oh

it's on me all right I don't want to be

in trouble with you then I'll start

singing no I like it I like it that way

I like it don't sing it don't

sing all right I'll introduce your song

uh ladies and gentlemen ladies and

gentlemen I would like to take this

opportunity introducing my partner uh

needless to say that every show that

comes out what is it what where did

Harry lorder come from what is

it what is it what are you pulling me

over here I don't know where to walk now

I tell you what you do open wide you

have a very bad very bad cavity you see

me at 2:30

[Applause]

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whis you stop paying the elbow tax when

you start cleaning with Ajax Ajax the

new scaring cleanser Foams as it cleans

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scum so you say

[Music]

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get two cans one for the kitchen one for

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cleansing

[Music]

hello Mr Martin studio just a moment sir

I'll connect you with our dark room oh

hello girls Mr Martin's been waiting for

you go right in thank

you oh hello Mr Martin you hope you're

not late no you're not late we're just a

little behind schedule that's all not

late at all here I'll uh I'll give you

your your little uniforms you go ahead

and put these on you on uh well we don't

mean to be so modest Mr Martin would you

please leave the room while we change me

leave the are you kidding I no go behind

the screen here oh right behind the

screen that's go ahead be my gu behind

the speed oh Mr Martin would you mind to

lower the shade please would I mind to

lower the stage one the shade the shade

yes now this little ridiculous we're 63

floors up high why should I lower the

shade nobody can see us except the sky

oh all right all right

[Applause]

[Laughter]

uh girls easy girls take it we have a

Peeping Tom watch

your oh take it easy you're not even

undressed what's wrong with you you

crazy

cat now you come in here come in here

come in here I want to talk to you I'll

open the window you I holdo there's no

glass what are

you stand right here it's only 2 ft what

are you caring on it ain't real look

I'll hit the

building a big

deal hello hello Mr M oh oh a

photography

studio I love watch get off The Wire

Watch the watch

yourself equipment well no I just like

I'm sorry I'm not looking

around I love photography come here just

a second now you apologize for what you

did to those girls I did nothing wrong

sir oh you were peeping

Tom oh no I beg to differ with you sir

because I belong to the wind washer

Union and we have a perfect right take a

look every once in a

[Laughter]

while we pass the window something's

going on we take a look I want to see

myself get out of this one Bo but anyhow

I say that oh hold

it blend it 28 by1 to5 by7 no come here

I I don't think this is a nice thing I

mean well I'm an honorable man and I to

an honorable Union sir well why did you

peep you're not honorable if you do a

thing like this

Jezebel well I I wasn't keeping sir but

I think it is wrong and I should be

punished I am sorry yes you must punish

yourself Sylvester I certainly will sir

how'd you know my name I just lucky I

guess from the rehearsal he know my

name yes sir you're fresh Sylvester and

you shouldn't have

peep that's did you get and some of that

and flap your hand soap on your tongue

and give you a good spanking here twist

your arm not so hard easy all right all

right all right let not overdo it I

punish I punish myself good boy those

riters have got a go

yes now now what is it well well sir I I

just want to tell you that that

photography is my hobby sir no you're

supposed to pick up your bucket and get

out of here yeah I by the way I'm

leaving oh no

oh yes well photography is my hobby and

I just thought I'd stop in rever cameras

are swell I like rever myself yeah re Mo

picture cameras they're terrific R

cameras when are you going to send them

like all

right I'm I'm I'm going sir I'm sorry

that I caused you trouble good day no oh

no what am I going to do for a model you

chase my two beautiful beautiful girls

out like that to me well I tell you what

what sir what what sir well I I know of

a model for you sir whom whom me me yes

watch this

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

sir I'll be out of here in 10 minutes my

hair is almost done Harriet what did you

do with my nails Harriet bring the nails

back with the cuticles Harriet you SE

Sylvester oh they are what are you doing

here you're supposed to be working oh

well you see I saw Mr Martin's Photoshop

and I thought I would stop in sir stop

in you peeped in oh no I didn't it was

only like a gag sir but but don't be

angry will you you like photography H oh

yes these are these are my hobbies we

did the rever thing yeah we did that

already I've been superintendent I've

been superintendent this building for 14

years and I never saw anybody so lazy

I'm lazy so lazy ho ho and Boulder dad

oh don't go stering me

buddy I don't know either I heard my

grandfather say it once don't go telling

me cuz I don't need you right with smart

I did nothing wrong I'm not with you I'm

with him you're fired what you heard me

you're through you are fired f i r e g

HT fired you're through now turn in your

equipment you're

squeegee my squee

yeah give it to him just one more before

I hand

in you're spitzing yeah who said that

your

grandmother you're sponge my what your

sponge a not my Spong sponge give the

sponge take back

this want the regular routine fail your

damp cloth I'm not my damn cloth

buddy let's go easy have a h not the

damn cloth buddy give him your D cloth I

was going to give it to him just now D

cloth you're dry cloth a come on buddy

come down

Jack give him your

drug we're having loads of fun won't you

join

us I'm not my bucket to SP with me thick

and thin

thick give me your

bucket let me have a bucket if I ever

heard of Q This is it let him have it

he's going to have you want it huh let

me have it let him have

[Music]

it no water what happened there was no

water in how bought that it's empty yeah

on every show I got it with

something get n in this side you guys

I swear I expected something to happen

and nothing

happen you sure fooled me this

time nothing happened we fooled

him wow I don't know what to say how

about swimming a

little no I'm hopefully sorry I caus you

so much trouble Mr Martin I shall go on

my way I have no job but I'm sorry that

I inconvenienced you how would you like

to work for me

oh I would like that a lot sir may I

with your very kind permission I would

like to sir yes may I work for you sir

all right all right let's go over here

to the C all righty I would love to work

for you sir that's ofly kind of you sir

that's all right all righty what do we

do first well I'm going to move the

camera all right you move the camera oh

I'm

so help me help me move the camera all

righty

thank

you

now here I am how about now you go

behind the screen and put on that little

costume the costume back there we're

going to take pictures of it all righty

excuse me bye

bye you you put that on and everything

will be all right when you're all

through hey your brother's in there

wait and take your time when you're

dressed you know what I mean your two

cousins are waiting for you

well how do I look that's fine are you

sit

down I'll Focus the camera correctly so

we'll take a beautiful picture here we

are I'll see if it's all right hey I

know her all right we put and we're

going to focus it right on the chair are

you almost ready

Sylvester now you come over here now now

what must do Mr Martin sit right here

that's it oh it's it's pretty damp this

year yeah shouldn't have been there now

look we're going to have a take a that a

picture for oval tone this makes you

sleep see oval tone the oval tone when

you drink this you sleep see oh the

Sleep drink now after you drink it I

want to see a satisfied look on your

face and then I'll snap it oh all righty

well you you give me someone that oval

on oh this sounds exciting doesn't it

oh boy looks like G

green I take it and then a satisfied

satisfied look all

righty think I'm kidding you're crazy

crazy and hi bit they

doing it up bring it up

show me won't you this I want to see you

supposed to take it and you smile after

you take

the that's not the smile see you I'm not

drinking

this who's the Bratman a broken chemist

now this makes you sleep you

know now you got the right foot that's

get the nice satisfy look and I I'll go

[Music]

over now hold

it

that's that doesn't look right at all no

here are you you say take another drink

give me more with

it I ain't finished the first batch

yet

[Music]

yeah

drink drink it and smile yeah smile they

spent 300,000 for a program and they

couldn't put Coke in here

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

going make you

tired you get camon I'll have another

drink all right boy this is terrific

stuff yes

[Music]

[Laughter]

[Laughter]

all right just pull them up what wait

no here get over here on the chair and I

Stanley here over here over here now I'm

going to prop you up beautifully right

there now hold

the

hold easy now that I'm going

to I think we got it

now so how's the family

all I got it now just hold hold a pose

just hold her

B hold on

M yeah

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Halo everybody Halo Halo shampoo

presents the true story of the Sleeping

[Music]

Beauty Ed what a doll Ed what a mess

what did you do with your hair washed it

washed it with what with this stuff that

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hair Halo glorifies it let me

demonstrate Halo is not a soap or oily

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[Music]

thank you you're very kind ladies and

gentlemen uh I would like to make a

quick mention if I may about a very very

wonderful magazine look magazine if you

can notice if you look carefully you'll

see look magazine on the April 8th issue

which comes out April the 8th Dean and

myself what is such a tremendous CL

April the 8th it comes out but it's

actually the April 22nd issue see I had

you all full my te and I are on the

cover and there's a very wonderful story

written by Leo Roston a great writer and

we thank Leo for a very beautiful story

on april8 by look magazine it would be

SP of you now we would like to make a

public thank you to stent's Restaurant

in Boston for helping Dean and I live

healthily while I uh we had our theater

tour in Boston and uh freda's restaurant

they fed Dean and I and we're very

grateful to these nice people for

treating us so beautifully while in

Boston we'd like also to make mention

the fact that there's a terrible tornado

down south the Red Cross has asked us to

please pass on to you how very very

urgent it is for you to help them they

need money they need funds in six

southern states there is a

definite give me the word quick give me

a word hurry give me a word no need is

not the word the word is catastrophe

there it is but seriously we would like

you to please help the Red Cross send

your contributions if you will they need

all the money they can possibly get cuz

it's an awful terrible thing that's

happened they are asking everyone in

television to make this announcement and

we would like for you to

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

help fa F wash is Wier without a bleach

than any other product with a bleach B

wash iser gets your col brigh get a

clean those happy girls have solved

their wash day problems how about you

I'm really interested because solving

washing problems is my job so I can help

you get the whiter cleaner sweeter

smelling wash you want in fact you can

get your wash really clean and white

without bleaching sounding difficult not

with colgate's new Fab because Fab

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soap gets out dirt leaves no soap scum

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after wash but don't just take my word

for it listen to the women who are using

fat Mrs Stanley Hansen Kansas City

Missouri tried Fab here's what she says

oh what a difference on wash days when

you use Fab my little girl's play

clothes get so dirty and I always have

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try colgate's new fast

[Music]

ladies and gentlemen with the coming of

spring the nation's thoughts turn to our

great national sport so let us take you

to Sweetwater Florida where we find the

pen and winning New York bruisers about

to start their spring training let's say

hello to the bruisers coach and see what

he thinks about their chances this year

well he doesn't seem to be around so

let's check the

hotel like all coaches he's constantly

on the lookout for new talent in fact

right at this moment he's expecting a

visit from the Rookie of the Year so

let's look in on Leo roacher coach of

the New York

bruisers you better hurry Leo that

rookie of the year will be here any

minute now I can't find my glasses baby

oh they're right in front of you on the

bureau oh

oh hey there thank D Leo roacher how can

you impress this rookie and make him

sign a contract if he sees you in those

thck glasses now take them off

immediately well I can't see I got the

umpire's disease I can't see well that's

the point huh no new player is going to

sign with a coach who has eyes like an

Umpire now look I can't see I'll stay

right with you he'll never find out now

come on give me the

glasses where'd everybody

go honey uh uh honey where are you yes

you're here you deserve a big kiss after

that that's very that oh you should have

shaved honey I

me got some guests coming I wonder

what's keeping him yeah all right let's

sit on the sofa here

darling Oh go you keep moving the

furniture I don't know where I am

[Laughter]

[Applause]

I don't want him to know that I've got

triple

[Laughter]

Vision phone you better answer this

door there he is now darling answer the

door oh all right I will where's the

door where's the door right this way

where is it right here de oh

[Applause]

sure ain't nobody here honey of course

there is hello did you wish see Mr

roacher oh hello are you

he I'm Mrs roacher oh hello well I'm uh

I'm uh the Rookie of the Year Willie

lman Willie lman don't ask me what

happened in Boston

Lady this is my husband Mr roacher oh

how are you Mr roacher I'm fine how are

you oh fine nice to see you sir you have

a very very Charming wife he you you're

awful skinny to be a ball player you're

nothing but Skin and Bones yourself

buddy matter fact you have a very small

head hey you're bold

too telling to sit right here and be

comfortable all right and here Mr lman

you sit right here oh all right thank

you very much let always get acquainted

while I make some coffee you to make you

going to make coffee honey yes we make

it nice and hot thank you very much Mrs

roer listen you're all right here why

don't you sit down oh I thank you very

much you want me to be closer Mr ro oh I

got to water this in the

morning hey why don't you sit over

here what are you a wise guy something

me you sit you all right now yeah I'm

fine Mr roer thank you good I'll sit

right next to you now yeah you're

getting a little familiar

buddy look honey when you through when

you thre it the when did you start

smoking sweetheart oh no no I'm I'm

Willie lman Rookie of the Year oh don't

ask me about Boston buddy no I won't ask

you about Boston yeah you got a light

please if you don't mind a light sure

right here on the

table Yeah here it

is that light yeah good why I like these

things mildest things I ever

smok I shouldn't be smoking all right am

Mr Roi I shouldn't be smoking Roi Ro

yeah I shouldn't be smoking all because

I'm in training you have an aay that's

around around there uh-huh I thought it

was a coupling for a

minute yeah I shouldn't be

smoking well uh here I am Mr roer and

I'm ready to get right to work and play

well for your Club buddy oh well let's

see uh uh how about that what

oh yeah fast uh listen how about the how

about how's your batting you oh my

batting's real good I I just wish I

could show you my eye is pretty good

that's a silly question how's my batting

that's how how's your batting eye that's

like asking you how your eye is a coach

of a great team High batting eyes is

good I'll get I'll get you a bat all

righty my wife keeps moving the

furniture I don't know where I am some

of the time huh all the time it's over

here I'll get you a

bat oh boy oh here we are hey there

somebody else in the room

here here I'll I'll set it right down

here one of these are the BS in here

somewhere ah here it is uh Mr Roger no

that's a glove put that

down oh here we are yes sir boy good old

bat about me I better put this away

first so we don't get in our way I hope

you don't mind sir don't mind at all

I'll just put this away yes sir you WIP

keep moving the furniture

yeah that's a big shiper rob you got

there's lots of people and cabs in

it well uh let's get set for Let's Get

Set for batting practice Mr roer all

right look I'll pitch a couple balls

I'll pitch a couple balls uh okay here

now you come on all I'll pitch a few

balls to you all righty okay now you

stand over there all right I'm fine now

you okay yeah all right here we go Okie

do all here here comes the fast one

now

baby right up there

boy away oh you got a wonderful swing

yes sir so have I all right now watch

this one this is coming a

b it

[Music]

baby away

baby

why why you overa him just a

little little

bit this this will kill you now this is

a slow ball I'm ready for it

f are so far away you seem so close

yeah there goes the slow

ball Bo you didn't even see

that go get it baby go get

the boys M here you are I thought you

might like a little snack with your over

here watch yourself we'll get we'll have

something to eat here something

eat oh thank

[Music]

you darling you it right there all right

baby I'm with

you this very nice if your wife to

prepare all this sir well she's a good

cook yeah yes sir well let's all dig in

now is this the food

here there is right there okay have some

some Sumer food be my guest huh no after

you sir oh you Willie I'll take I'm

after you oh all righty thank you very

much very kind yeah I'm glad you like it

I I I like eat in the afternoon I

lunchtime I think I'll take some myself

oh yeah go ahead because there's plenty

there a lot of food

there F I always say you don't mind if I

have a little more do you

buddy it's not like food yes sir Bo yes

sir boy hey help yourself eat up boy I

think I'll ask some more yeah eat up

the what happened to the

pl coffee there Mr R little coffee I'll

get you a little coffee I know she put

on the table it's

this a like some keeps a cup there are

thank

you yeah one of the things that happen

all right here

[Applause]

I'm about making you a sandwich yeah I

like a sandwich boy like a good sandwich

that coffee good and hot

boy a good sandwich yeah that's what I

like a good sandwich I love

[Music]

the sandwich I got have all oh here

here's the sandwich now eat

up I knew I forgot I should have watered

that this

morning oh how I wish I'd married a ball

player who could dance well honey can

dance I'll dance with you Mrs roacher

I'll be glad to sweee here we

[Music]

go this Ro where I am keep talking I'll

find you

Mr here we go

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

say do you spend full time shaving and

get only a half day shave oh why don't

you shave do you spend fulltime shaving

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you shave why spend full time shaving to

get only a half day

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lotion ladies and gentlemen this has

really nothing to do with a regular show

but the National Broadcasting Company

asked me to come out here and make this

announcement you see last week was Jerry

Lewis's birthday and on the way back

from New York we had a little party for

him on board the train because well we

love Jerry everybody who works with

Jerry loves and very much and Jerry

loves everybody that he works with and

this guy I can't tell you what a

wonderful good-hearted sweet natured boy

he is he's a really wonderful kid and I

thought maybe that when he comes out

here now you could all join me in kind

of a a little round of applause for and

wish him a belated happy birthday would

you here he is now Jerry

[Applause]

Lewis thank you very much you're very

kind uh to say that I'm uh deeply

touched would be an understatement

because the love that we have amongst

ourselves is something unsurpassable

Dean and I well I especially love the

crew they've been so kind I pour my

heart out to them because they're

wonderful me all right in there not King

I'm sorry Mr leis but we see this is uh

Mr Le one of our crew members and are we

all right I'm sorry Mr Louis but

something's going wrong in there we're

off the air we're off the air what do

you mean we're off the air how are we

off the air how does a thing like this

happen how do we get off the air for

nothing uh to tell you how we love uh

one something get the mic boom out of

the

way accidents do happen but I tell you

that um we have a a comrad ship amongst

us yes this is Mr uh Simmons one of our

uh technicians we're off the air again

we're off the air

what off the air why don't people know

what they're doing what are weer we're

on I tell you that we've had wonderful

times together we got to do something

about it because we're off again why off

why off who knows how to operate the set

why are we always doing things that

aren't right we're on we're on here's

one of our

technicians that have been with us for

four years isn't that right Norman four

years and and the love that we have and

the way we work together well I just

can't begin sry Mr leou you're off the

air

[Applause]

[Music]

like I ain't like you or anybody else

what do you mean you ain't like me or

anybody else or what are you jumping

about I just walked out I didn't bother

nobody hey what do you want to do I

don't want to do nothing I just I just

came out to tell you that I like to be

treated like everybody else that's all

well if there's any particular way you

like to be treated let me know Jerry

Well normally I want to be treated like

you like all the bo how can you possibly

be normal like anybody else I'm just as

normal as you anybody else you actually

think you're normal like us I know I'm

normal get off there look out FR I'm

coming like

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

I'll be all right it's a matter of time

yeah we'd like to would you mind putting

the boom down please put the boom down

put the boom down got time Dean oh yeah

where's the boom We would like to say

that we could uh do about another minute

uh you're spitzing huh yeah we could do

a minute of Comedy but we do want to say

hello to Tommy Yi a 9-year-old boy who

has muscular distrophy Providence Rhode

Island Tommy good luck and God bless you

and keep punching we'd like to remind

you muscular distrophy is a disease no

one knows about we need your kind

cooperation it's our charity because

it's had no help MDA New York 8 New York

send money to MDA New York New York New

York Tony Martin next week next week our

good friend Tony Martin ladies we see

you thank you for being so nice gate we

love you good night goodbye God bless

[Music]

you The gogate Comedy Hour has been

presented by Halo

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

shampoo rather shaving free

[Music]

Ajax

wenzer and Fab the new wash day

SS featured in tonight's cast were Gail

bunny Peter VRI Harvey Dunn Ruth Seville

Sarah M Linda Williams and Evelyn lwi

the song That's My Boy was written by

Eli bass and Bobby troll Dean Martin and

Jerry Lewis can currently be seen

co-starring in the new Hal Wallace

production sailor bew

and now good night for the Colgate

Comedy Hour which has been presented by

the Colgate fmer repat company makers of

quality product since 1806

[Applause]

[Music]