Original subtitles

[Music]

[Music]

The Colgate Comedy

Hour starring Dean Martin and Jerry

Lewis with Ray Malone, Jill Chararm,

Danny Arnold, Sheldon Leonard, and Mike

Rzerki. Presented by the Colgate Palm

Olive Pete Company, makers of Halo

shampoo. Bamala's brushless

shaving Ajax

cleanser and crab the new wash day

sucks. And now the Dean Martin and Jerry

Lewis

show. All

[Music]

right. All right. Quiet, fellas. Shut

up. Shut up.

Now, all those in favor of starting a

meeting, say I. I. All those opposed say

nay. Nay.

Nay.

This is a democracy. You're entitled.

The decision is now unanimous.

As you fellas know, we are gathered here

tonight to honor our good pal Fingers in

idiot down.

Fingers has been named poodl of the year

[Applause]

[Music]

and for this he gets the

1951 Dillinger Award.

Now, as a special treat, we have hired a

couple of famous entertainers to make

the presentation. And here they are,

them famous entertainers, Dean Martin

and Jerry Lewis.

[Applause]

I didn't know we were Hello, gentlemen.

Oh, aren't we happy to be here at this

sophisticated occasion? I didn't know we

were coming into a hardware store. Yes.

What's going on here? Look at Well,

hello fellows. Here we are. Isn't that

Well,

Oh,

look at this. Oh, look at this fellow

here. He seems to be staring.

Well, why don't you stare and make it

even? Huh? No. Easy, easy. No, I think I

think there's something definitely and

radically wrong here. I say, fellow,

laugh it up. Here we are. The funsters.

Uh, they just fired on for

Sumpter. Here, boy. These are the jokes.

Let's face

it, boy. Come on. What do you say?

Dean. Dean, I have an inkling. We should

get out of here. Come on, let's go. All

you guys are supposed to be

entertainers, so entertain. We're not

going to entertain these bunches. No, we

can't. No dance. No. No, we can't dance.

Wait a

minute. Welcome to

Pittsburgh. Did you see it? Cuz it's

silly to knock our brains out if you

ain't

watching. Now I've had enough of this.

You understand? You guys have bulldozers

long enough. You didn't know I had this

when we came in here. And if I pull the

pin, I'm loading all the smitteries. Now

get out of my way. Ah, my pal. Where?

Where did you get that grenadine?

[Music]

I ain't got nothing, Dean. I was just

fooling. Sorry.

[Music]

[Applause]

Oh, here we are again. Jerry Lewis. Yes,

here we are. Dean Martin, I'm going to

introduce you song, Max. So, fly away.

Max. So, fly away. I don't get this.

Well, your name is really Dean, but I

called you Max. And I told you to fly

away because Max Fly is the name of a

golf ball and the sponsor doesn't want

us to make any plugs. We need the golf

ball because we both play golf. So send

them to the house right away.

Oh, I could just see the sponsor now

squeezing all the cold beef toothpaste

out of the tube and he's screaming

something. All right. Now, before you do

anything else, Jerry, introduce

Introduce my song and make it lovely.

It's Academy Award time. He gets so

carried away.

But ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to

introduce my partner song. And this is a

very, very beautiful tune, by the way.

And uh this is a song that

uh will you like to excuse me? I was

talking. Oh yeah. Now, this is a song

that my

part here. You're very rude. I was

talking to him. And get up here. I'll

have to ask you not to be so

impertinent. Now here well well if you

want to fool around and follow

me I got everybody

crazy. You know the television director

Kingman Moore sitting in the booth and

all you people have seen me do these

crazy things. You think he's gone crazy?

This man gets up in the morning 7:00 on

Sunday. He looks out the window and he

says it's Martin and Lewis day. and he

runs down to the theater and he gives

all the cues. He says two camera, three

camera, one camera, four camera and then

it's 1 minute to five and he says Q

music and we're on the air and Dean and

I walk through the curtain. The TV

director looks at us. He takes a sign

and

says all right don't try and make up. I

would like I would like very serious.

What is it? I have to get over here.

Guys, go like this with the earphones.

Get over there. All right. Is this the

smart? All right. Here I am. Aren't I a

[Applause]

[Music]

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Yes. You always get smoother, more

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men to top off that perfect shave, use

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after shave lotion.

[Music]

Ladies and gentlemen, the National

Broadcasting Company has received

thousands of inquiries from its viewers

regarding the personal lives of Dean

Martin and Jerry Lewis. Well, what are

they like and how do they live? Well,

tonight we're going to try and answer

those questions for you as we take you

directly to the homes of Dean Martin and

Jerry Lewis. Ah, now here we have the

beautiful home of Mr. Dean Martin. This

is Mr. Martin's patio from which we can

see his sumptuous swimming pool and

beautiful gardens. And here's Mr. Martin

now. My that cold beer looks mighty

good. Well, while Dean relaxes, let's

look in on Jerry. You know, of course,

that Dean and Jerry, as well as being

50/50 partners, are the greatest of

friends also. So, naturally, Jerry lives

right next

door. As a matter of fact, Dean just

threw that empty beer can right into

Jerry's backyard.

[Music]

Mhm. Think I'm getting you crazy.

Demon, I'm guessing you throwing those

big hands in my yard.

You don't expect me to throw him in my

eye, do you? No. Betty has thrown him in

my eye.

Yes, sir. Here you are, Mr.

M. Very nice lunch for you. Great. Thank

you. Thank you.

I told you a thousand times not to

bother me the afternoon. Here's your

sandwich. Here's your milk.

Miss Ferguson is here, sir. Send her in.

Oh, there you are, darling. Oh, I was

just driving down to house. It might be

something I could get for you. Yeah.

Would you mind going to the store and

getting my shoes for me? Oh, I'd love

to. I'd just be so happy for you,

darling. You don't look Oh, at last I

can do something for the man I love. Oh,

this one.

Father, father, father. Now there's a

Dave out there who wants to see us. What

am I going to do about this out there?

says, "Send her in." Say, "Please."

What? Say please. Sure. Please, send

her. Say, come on in here.

Hello. Hello, dear. Sweetheart, I was

wondering if you go downtown and pick up

my roller skate. You're going to send me

on another errand? Well, dear. You think

I have nothing else to do but go all

over town for you? Well, no, dear. I

What are you, crazy or something? No,

dear. I just thought that you're the

crummiest, laziest bomb I ever knew.

She's overacting that kid.

Dean, I tell you. Yeah. Get out of my

yard. Get out of my yard.

Oh, I'm sorry. I hope I didn't dirty up

your yard with my dirty

body action. Don't ask me. I don't like

this routine whatsoever. I'm the

unhappiest soul that ever was a

mortal. I don't like this. Look at this

beautiful pool you got in this beautiful

mansion. I live in an upholstered sewer.

I don't like Why? Why must I Why do you

Why is it We're not working like we're

supposed to. This ain't happy. Oh, yeah.

We split everything happy. 7030 ain't

happy. Let's go back to the

6535. That's happy. Well, listen. Why

don't you save your money like I do?

Yeah. And live like that. I can't save a

penny. I tried, but my piggy bank, you

should see it's almost empty. Well, let

me see your piggy bank. You'll see. I

got I don't have practically anything

left in there. Uhhuh.

Look at

this. Look. Listen.

Oh, you can't keep pennies. That's a

That's a real pig. No, you're a real

pig.

Yeah. Look, I have nothing left.

All right. Where's the rest of it?

Don't stare at

me. Get up with the nickel.

And I might even make money. You know

something, Dean? I don't care. But with

my piggies trained and everything, I

might make money with him. You want to

see the tricks? Yeah. Let me see all the

tricks, though. All right. Come on,

piggy. Roll over. Jump over my arm and

say, "How are

you?" All right. Now, turn around and

jump over. Hey, could he do that one

again?

[Laughter]

I didn't see it all. Come on, Piggy.

Here we go. Up and

over. All right. Get off the stage. Get

off Get Take him off the stage and don't

ask us again to put your son on a show.

Well, you listen to me, will you? The

only way you can make money is for you

to get my shirts clean. They've been

coming back dirty, Gemma. They're dirty.

Hey, what do you want I should do? Hey,

the washing machine ain't the best in a

while, so it's dirty. I didn't know it

was dirty, but I'll see what I can do

about it. Okay, they were dirty.

Hey,

Mom. Down the straight queen, will you?

I break it.

Now, now you listen to me there, Jeff.

I'm going to I got the big executive,

Mr. Pat Weaver, coming over. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. So, we'll talk to him. No, we

won't. We won't talk to him. I'll I'll

talk to him. Oh, we won't. No, you're

right. I will. And I'll be back with a

flash, Gordon. All right,

Harry. All right, you go talk to him. I

don't care cuz I have lots of painting

to do. As you know, that is my hobby.

Yeah.

[Music]

[Music]

Well, Mr. Pat Weaver. Hello, Dean. How

are you? Fine. It's good to be here. And

you know, I'm very eager to meet your

partner. Well, let's go on over to the

backyard. You know, he has a hobby

painting. He He's a mental giant this.

He won't disturb him. No, he must be

quiet cuz he gets very Go on

[Music]

in Jamie.

There we la.

You are the clumiest, the most stupid

idiot I've ever seen. You're a disgrace

to NVC. De look at you help me clean it

off. We have an executive meeting in

half an hour. Well, you just sit there

and I'll go back and see what I can do

with Jerry Lewis. I mean, he gets a

little upset at times. He's quite a

painter. And I'll be right back.

Jay, why do you

[Music]

Why do you do these things? Why do you

insist on doing things like this, Jerry?

I'm sorry, Dean. Don't be shy to me. You

You don't say it. It might be diety.

I'm sorry, Dean. I don't know why I do

those things. Sometimes I stay up night

in and night out. I can't sleep. I say

to myself, "Why must I be the idiot? Why

are millions of people who were born?

Why must I do these stupid, ridiculous,

imbecillic things? Dean, I don't know. I

don't know.

[Music]

[Applause]

Listen, Lucy, you shouldn't take it so

hard. I mean, it it's wasn't I forgive

you. Hey, I forgive you. All right. But

I forgive you.

I got I got carried away, Dean.

Now, don't you bother me cuz I'm going

over and talk to Mr. Weaver. All right.

Okay. Stay stay in your own backyard.

Now, Mr. Weaver, about your contract.

Yeah. I'd like to speak to you about

that. You see, I we would like to have a

different kind of a contract. This time,

we want the writers working for us.

Good. I agree with you. Sure. And any

What is it?

What is it? What are you listening? What

are you listening

for? Get out of

here. I was saying we need these

wonderful writers. They are great

writers, you know. And to sort of get

Jerry and I in a mood of doing these

wonderful shows, you Hey, what is it? I

told you to stay back there, didn't I?

Did I stay back there?

[Laughter]

What' you do? So I won't do it.

Yeah, I would think we should feature

more songs on the program. Right. Right

there. And I think that even

Now, as I was saying, we need some some

new singers on the show. We some

beautiful girls, plenty of girls. Oh, we

need plenty of

Will you go fly a kite?

I don't understand this boy at all. You

see, at times when when he's alone, he

he has so much fun just calling people

on the phone and say,

Look at this.

Look at that. You know, kids, I haven't

seen a kite for over 42 years. Just to

see one again makes me feel like a kid.

Well, maybe Jerry will let you fly this

kite. Oh, no. This is good. Ask him. Oh,

yeah. Ask him. I think it'd be nice. No.

No. I don't want anyone to fly. I used

to be pretty good at this sort of thing.

Oh, no. You can look at it, Mr. Weaver.

Yeah, you can hold it, but don't fly

it. Mr. We you can you can cut the rope

even. You can look at it all day. But

don't fly

it. It's my kind. That's why I say it to

you with all my heart. Don't fly it.

I mean, it's all right. Jerry was very

kind enough to let you have the thing

and let you play around, but

I have a guest in your heart to death.

We'll take you old guy to my cut. Okay.

I got cry, baby. Got a cry, baby. Get

out of here and get me some money, too.

I'll have milk here soon. Go ahead.

Give me my kite. Take the kite. It's my

kite. And Mr. Weaver shouldn't have had

my kite either. No, it's my kite. And he

shouldn't bother with it because I have

a

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

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Remember, Colgate Ajax foams as it

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Why not see for yourself how Ajax cleans

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cleanser.

[Music]

Hey, Dino. How about a little service

here? Take it easy. I only got two feet.

Well, why don't you hire some more help?

I did then. He should be around here

pretty soon. He should be walking in

here. He's a good man, too. And a good

man nowadays. It's hard to find.

Everything's all right, Charlie. All

right, that's nice. Everything is

perfectly all right. I'll just a little

magazine here.

[Music]

Hello there. How about a picture of you

and your girl? Hold it. Thank you.

[Music]

I do all these bits. Yes, sir. How do

you do, sir? Let me see. That'll be 40

cents, sir. 40 cents for a Look

magazine. It's 15 cents. I beg you

pardon, sir. Four copies of Quick or 40

cents.

What What are you doing in my foundry

anyhow? Oh, I came over here, sir, from

the employment agency. And they said

that you needed a very fine upstanding

sanitary soda jerk, sir. Well, look, no

quite buddy. I'm your jerk.

Let me ask a question. Do you know

anything about soda jerking? Do I know

anything about soda

jerking? Every soda fell in the country.

I worked in every one of them. There

ain't one I ain't like it. This bum

wants to know, do I know anything about

zoding?

[Music]

Do you? No.

Now, come over. Let me ask you a few

questions. Now, come over here. Step to

my right. My left. Yes, sir. Now, if

someone orders some vanilla ice cream,

how would you give it to them? Oh. Uh,

vanilla ice cream? Yes.

Grab. I get the plate, sir, and I get

the vanilla ice cream and put it right

on there.

No, you don't do it that way, Zelma. You

get yourself a scoop, right? What did

you call me? Zelma. Zelma that you love

me tonight.

You get the ice cream and you scoop in

like this and you pick it up and there

art thou. Oh, I see. I'm sorry, sir. You

take the scooper and you scoop it up.

Then you put it in the

hand like that. Look, I want to give me

this. Now, look, I'll act like I'm the

customer and you be the clerk. Right.

All righty. You'll be the customer. All

right, sir. Act like you don't see me.

Yeah, I'll make out like I don't even

know you're there. All right.

[Music]

[Music]

You going to ask me what I want? Oh, I

didn't know. We could have been here for

the whole hour.

Uh, what what do you what do you have,

sir? Tell me, won't you? All right. I'll

like to have a a

strawberry milkshake. Strawberry

milkshake. Right down, sir. One

strawberry milkshake for the man.

Coming up, one strawberry milkshake.

First, we take the milk. Little

strawberry milkshake for the man who

knows the best in fine food. Strawberry

milkshake. Yes,

sir. Strawberry milkshake for the man.

Strawberry milkshake for the man.

Strawberry milkshake. Put in the cream.

Put in your ice cream. Turn out the

light cuz we're having a milkshake.

[Music]

Dean, I have live. Don't you love

me?

Strawberry

milkshake. Strawberry milkshake.

Strawberry milkshake.

Strawberry milkshake.

[Music]

Strawberry milk. Drake for the man

coming

up. You make my sense, sir.

I'm not really dressed for the job, sir.

Anyhow, oh, lo and behold, I have

something for you. You must be You must

be sanitary. Oh, yes, I will, sir. I'll

be very clean and very nice, sir. Thank

you. Oh, this is very stunning. I look

like a regular broml.

You look like a bum braml, isn't there?

A bomb raml. There. Now there. Oh, now I

will. Here, sir. Oh, no. Not my aba daba

hat. I got this last Sunday for catching

three black scorpions from the beaver

patrol on our desert outing.

How many of you fellas win? Well, Aunt

Sylvia wanted Fred to come. Oh, come on.

I don't want to know about that. Well,

what do you want me to do first, sir?

What shall be my chores? You want me to

get anything for you, sir? Yeah, get

some plates. There's a good cue. Get

some plates. There. Now, get some

plates. Or don't you want to get the

plates? Oh, I'll get the plates for you

from the kitchen, sir. Well, you can't

get them from the garage. All righty.

And here I

go. Here we go. What is it? What's with

that guy? Is he crazy or something? No,

he got the wrong head back from the

cleaning.

[Applause]

What?

Why are you worried to run a stream?

[Music]

I'll clean up, sir. Yes, sir. Read. This

is it. This is it. What? This is your

first customer. Let him have it. Yes,

sir. Have a little service over here.

Little service? Yes, sir. What do you

like to have, sir? Well, I think I'd

like to have a nice Sunday. A Sunday?

Yes, sir. What kind, sir? Oh, any kind?

What would you suggest? Suggest? Oh, I

don't know. How about the Reinie Rick

Birdie wheel? Oh, good. Take it with

with French ice cream. French ice cream.

[Music]

Oh boy. Yeah. When we get lost, we get

lost. You know, fresh ice cream. The man

wants fresh ice cream. Here we are. We

start off with

welder. More welder.

Chocolate

pistach and to top it all

off

butter. And now we put a little bit

cherry. And then after that we put a

little bit nut. Nut is good for the

sun. And then

raspberry. Oh, the raspberry.

How about the wiped cream? Wipe the

cream. We use a ready whip for wipe the

cream and gold meadow ice cream. The

writers get $80.

Here we are. Chef whipped cream.

There you are. Ready. There you are,

sir.

That looks wonderful. Yeah, you could

wear that.

You want to come in Monday for a

fitting?

There you are. This looks awful good.

I'd like to take some of this home.

Yeah, he wants to. Thank you. You want

to take some ice cream home? All right.

Some chocolateot.

Some more

strong

samurai. What?

be whipped cream.

I'm having fun. Don't tell me it's

enough.

Here we are.

Take it all.

[Music]

I wanted some ice cream to take home.

French ice cream.

[Music]

A

[Applause]

[Applause]

Heavy. You shouldn't. Where is Tiffany?

You shouldn't go around waiting on

customers like that. No. No. You

shouldn't do that. Why? Is there

something wrong here? No.

No. Hey. Hey. Wow. Wow. Wow. What's the

matter with the machine? I just put a

nickel in. Doesn't work. Hey, Claire. Go

see what it is. Yes, sir. I'll take a

look if I can see.

You mean a machine don't work? Doesn't

operate.

Come out, Ma. Play the

movie and keep the

beat. Gee, my mom's a whorer.

Hey, is this a soda fountain arena? What

does it look like, Empress?

I'd like to I'd like to get one of them

giant malts. You'd like to get what? We

don't give any We don't make any more

giant malts. No, no more giant moth.

It's too much white. You want a super

malt or an extra special lace? It's all

right with me, but we don't give those

giant malts anymore. Listen, buddy.

What? The sign says a giant malt. Yeah.

Do I get a giant malt or do I knock your

heads together?

Get a giant mold to

get a giant mold.

La. All right, boo. We're going to give

it to you. One

giant. One

giant.

Giant giant quartet.

All right.

At first, you put the milk into the jug.

[Music]

Then you put the milk in the jar.

Oh, you love this giant

[Applause]

Moses.

Here we are. Now, now we must put in the

mold. Mold for the giant.

[Laughter]

Mol. Mixer. Mixer. Mixing up all day.

Mixer.

No, she won't mix. Let's have the giant

mixer. Down, boys. Down. Giant mixer.

Hey, when you get that thing started,

let me know. We'll take a spin around

the lake. A get out of here. I won't

need you, buddy. Get lost. Away, giant

Mc. All right. All right. The bit's

over.

Okay. Let's have this throw it away.

We'll have to throw this away. Yeah, cuz

he didn't want it. Let's throw it away.

Hold it. Hold it, Shirley. You're not

going to throw this away. Well, we have

to, Harry, because there's no one here

to drink it. Yes, there is. And it's not

me.

The whole giant malt that I should

drink. The whole thing you should drink.

Here's your straw. Well, I like giant

maltus. I don't mind. I'm going to drink

it now. Good. You want to leave a call?

I like iron.

Oh, I'm being carried away. I love them.

[Music]

[Applause]

That's a woman for you. I ask her to get

my shirts whiter. What does she call

this whiter? That's just like a man. How

can I get his shirts as white as he

wants? Unless I bleach the life out of

them. Well, the answer to that question

is easy.

A box of Colgates New Fab. New Fab

washes clothes whiter without bleaching.

Yes, whiter than any other product known

with the bleach in the wash water. But I

can hear you saying, "If Fab washes that

white, is it safe for all my clothes and

my washable colors?" But Fab actually

washes new liveless into your whites and

makes your washable colors look

brighter. Now take this shirt. It's been

washed dozens of times in fab, yet it's

full of strength and life.

Yes, a livelier white, a cleaner white.

In the hardest water, Fab washes clothes

cleaner than any soap on Earth. Gets

dirt out, leaves no soap

scum,

and Fab gives you

the sweetest smelling wash ever. Fab's

wonderfully mild to hands, too. Remember

our friends? Now there's only one side

to their story. Boy, really white shirts

at last. How did you do it? Just fab.

And I didn't have to bleach. Get fab.

Find out for yourself why. More and more

in every store. The folks all grab for

bad.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think we

uh we ran a little too long at

rehearsal. We only had dinner show for

about 90 minutes and we had to cut it

down to 60 and I don't think we made it.

Well, this is the first time we've been

over in a long time. Yeah. You shouldn't

get upset though cuz it happens every

day in television.

Why are you staring at us? We're not

criminals, so we couldn't get everything

on the show wing. What do you want to

do? Fight with somebody?

What is it, lady? What? I didn't hear

you. Speak up, Norman. Don't tell us

what to do. We don't have to take any

orders from you fellas back there. Yeah,

just don't come around here telling us

what to do. You just stay. The writers

have to come in every show and tell us

what's the matter. Have we been in the

business? Make a suggestion. Don't make

any suggestions when we're on state. Do

me a favor. Don't come out here, will

you? Please. Don't embarrass me in front

of embarrass nothing. You don't walk out

on the stage. He

wins. Don't applaud. He'll ask for more

money.

Right now, I I didn't hear you. What is

it, dick? One minute. Ladies and

gentlemen, we do have to sacrifice some

of the the show, but we do have to make

mention of the fact that you've been so

wonderful to us in our crusade to help

musculardrophe, the disease where the

people know nothing about it. They don't

know the cause or the cure. You've been

so very gracious and wonderful sending

your money to MDA New York 8 New York

that we'd like to impress upon you. It's

so very imperative that you do it some

more. MDA New York 18 New York. And next

week, our very wonderful and lovable Mr.

Eddie Caner will be on at Colgate Comedy

Hour. As for my partner, myself, we wish

we could have finished the show, but

that's television. We're sorry. We love

you all. We'll see you all soon. And uh

we hope you enjoyed this part of the

show. Maybe the next time you'll see the

last part of this show. You never can

tell. That's all famous. Goodbye and God

bless everybody.

The Colgate comedy hour has been

presented by Halo

[Music]

Shampoo Shaving

Cream, Ajax

Cleaner, and Fab the new Wash Day SS.

Now, good night for the Colgate Comedy

Hour, which has been presented by the

Colgate Comm, makers of quality products

since 1806.

[Music]