Original subtitles

This was a mistake. Shut up. Pardon? HORN BEEPS

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Ooh.

You're mad.

Wow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome, welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies, and for a man my age, I'm as fly as they come.

LAUGHTER

We're at the penultimate stage of a competition

that will go down in history

as being so unimportant that I doubt any of us that are involved

will even have marked graves.

That said... LAUGHTER

..we're here now, so let's make an effort.

Battling hard for Britain's hollowest prize are...

..Fatiha El-Ghorri! CHEERING

Jason Mantzoukas! CHEERING

Mathew Baynton! CHEERING

Rosie Ramsey! CHEERING

And Stevie Martin! CHEERING

And next to me, a man that went to private school

and genuinely doesn't like people knowing that.

LAUGHTER

It's Little Alex Horne!

Well, it wasn't... It wasn't my choice.

It wasn't my choice. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hi. Hello, Greg. Hi, there. Mm.

Feeling good? Yeah. Penultimate show,

so I imagine you've prepared something pretty special

for our chat section.

Well, I just thought I'd tell you about my latest routine.

I've been going to the gym three times a week.

MUTTERS: Ah. God.

LAUGHTER

What is it? Let me guess.

You know a man called Jim?

Yeah, exactly that. Yeah. Yeah. LAUGHTER

Well, as soon as I said 'the gym,' you knew I was gonna say Jim,

so that's... I did, but...

JASON: We all did. Yeah? Yeah.

We know you don't go to the gym. Look at your body.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's horrible.

It's in active collapse.

Yeah. Yeah. It's horrible. Floppy. LAUGHTER

It's so white, as well. It's so pale. Pale, very pale, yeah. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

OK, let's prize task, shall we?

Yes, time to crack on and see what they've brought in

for the category I'm about to think out loud, which is...

"..the most satisfying thing you could use as a jelly mould."

Yes. LAUGHTER

Greggy likes his jelly, Alex likes his jelly,

and Alex likes his Greggy in his Greggy jelly belly.

That's right. LAUGHTER

At the end of this episode,

one lucky winner... JASON RETCHES

..will genuinely walk away with five prospective jelly moulds.

Can I get a whoop-whoop? Thank you.

AUDIENCE WHOOPS Well done.

The first poem to ever make me feel physically sick.

Jason. I think it's pretty self-explanatory.

The best mould would be this.

LAUGHTER

Does that remind you of anything?

You know, it occurs to me it might be hard to figure out what it is

based on that, so I had them make a jelly from the mould.

Can we look at that, please? Yes, so that...

That is the real jelly. ROSIE: Ooh.

Italian boobs? It's not Italian boobs in the end.

Those are Irish... ROSIE: Irish? STEVIE: Irish boobs.

When Irish boobs are smiling.

Now, my question for you, Greg, is, whose boobs are those?

Your mam's.

LAUGHTER

Are you saying that these boobs belong to someone we might know?

Ooh. So it's an Irish person.

The Corrs? The Corrs. LAUGHTER

I don't... I don't even know who that is.

Aisling Bea.

Show me Aisling Bea! Yeah, yeah.

There we go, it's hers.

APPLAUSE FATIHA AND ROSIE:Wow.

STEVIE: Good boobs. ROSIE: They're good.

I texted her, I said, "This is the task prize,

would you be willing to get a plaster mould of your boobs done?"

She said, "Absolutely. When and where?"

No question, straight in? Zero. Zero questions.

Good. Thanks for bringing Aisling Bea's jelly tits.

Who's next? LAUGHTER

Stevie?

Um, very different approach.

So I'm gonna set the scene. OK.

I'm having a party. It's my party, you're there.

And we've had the savoury bits, the nibbles,

and then I'm like, "Do you want some jelly?"

And you're like, "Yeah, but I don't know what sort of flavour."

I, quick as a flash, spoon from behind the ear

hand you a spoon,

hand goes back to just an unobtrusive chest of drawers.

Open the top drawer, full of jelly.

Here it is. Three different flavours.

Yeah, it's a chest of drawers.

Right. You wouldn't expect it.

LAUGHTER

What, a drawer full of jelly? Yeah!

I don't want a drawer full... That's a great party.

You'd be talking about that for ages after you'd been to that party.

Yeah, I'd be talking about your mental health, yeah.

Yeah.

Um, Mathew, what have you brought?

Uh, it's a paddling pool.

Yes, it is. There it is. STEVIE: That's good.

LAUGHTER Uh, I just thought...

Pop that next to drawers in the list. Yeah.

It is cool, you get 255 cubic litres of jelly, so volume-wise...

You'd be pretty satisfied if you made that much jelly.

Maybe too satisfied. Yeah, yeah. It'd be a...

Yeah, I mean it'd be a big jelly. Rosie.

I brought me air fryer drawers.

Yes, she has.

Yeah, there you go. Perfect size.

Still drawers, though, innit? Yeah, but removable.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Smaller drawers. Yeah.

Yeah, cos that's too much and you're never gonna set it.

I can take them from the utility room, take them out,

put them in the fridge, wibble, wobble, wibble.

They'll come out lush and smooth cos it's, like, great,

like, non-stick...metal.

What you looking at us like that for?

Absolutely shit.

LAUGHTER

Fatiha. So, the thing that I brought...

Hey, can we just show it? Yes. That all right? And then I'll...

You don't wanna give me some sort of build up?

Nah, cos when you see it you're gonna be like, "Wicked."

She has brought...this.

It's... AUDIENCE GROANING

It's a foot.

Like, people like feets, innit?

No. Not really.

No, no-one wants to eat a jelly in the shape of a foot, Fatiha.

Yeah, they do. Do you know how much someone would pay for me

to make a real one of those?

I could buy a house. LAUGHTER

We're currently witnessing a Reddit forum being created.

I've made my decision. You've made your decision?

Mine can do three meals.

Pardon?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE God.

Mine can do, like, the starter, the main and then the dessert.

Yes. Oh, my god, I'm so sustainable.

Yeah, you are.

If only the task had been bring something in

that you can cook a three-course meal in.

Satisfying, though, innit?

No, it isn't, Rosie.

And you'll thank me for your one point.

ROSIE MOUTHS SILENTLY LAUGHTER

STEVIE GASPS Fuck.

LAUGHTER

One point to Rosie Ramsey. Well done, Rosie.

Foot, two. Two points to Fatiha.

Yeah, I like the scale of the drawers,

you can have three points. Yes. Three to Stevie.

You know, I'd like to see a jelly that big.

I'd like to see an even bigger jelly the size of a paddling pool,

but obviously someone's gonna bare their beasts on television,

of course I have to give them five points.

Five points to Jason Mantzoukas. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right, what's the first proper task, please?

Well, let me show you.

That's strange. It's, uh...

Hm. I don't know how...

Fine. Right, well, here we go, it's this.

Yoo-hoo.

You all right? What you saying?

Something missing. Where is it?

DRUMS ON TABLE Come on.

It's nearby. ROSIE SIGHS

You've got one job, Alex, to write the task.

I've given you the task.

Did I sit on it?

Hello?

Have you put something on my back?

Warm. Warm.

Ah, warm.

Oh, OK. Warm.

You're very warm.

But you said I was very warm over there.

Yeah, you were. Very warm.

But not warmer than I was there?

No, exactly the same.

I can see it, if that helps.

I cannot believe that.

Liberties. If this stains my hijab, oh, bruv.

"Congratulations.

"You've discovered the magic moustache.

"You must wear it until the end of this task."

Does it matter where?

Let me see things through your eyes.

Sure, have a look, yeah.

Staring right at it. Yeah? OK. LAUGHTER

Colder.

Warmer, warmer.

Colder.

Warmer.

ALEX GIGGLES Colder. Warmer.

Is it on me?

Dammit.

Colder. Colder. Warmer.

Colder. No, warmer.

Colder. Warmer.

LAUGHTER

Warmer, warmer.

Pretty hot now.

What a laugh.

Ah, yeah.

"Place something somewhere surprising."

"The thing that makes the Taskmaster ask,

"'How did that get there?' the loudest wins."

"There is a bonus point

"for the most surprising answer to that question."

"You have a maximum of 30 minutes.

"Your time starts now." All right.

I cannot help you.

Have you been helping me? LAUGHTER

No.

APPLAUSE Oh. Ooh.

It's a little bit different, isn't it? It is a bit.

So you are gonna see something somewhere. Yeah.

And you're gonna respond with a, "How did that get there?"

at varying levels, depending on how surprised you are.

Quite exciting, innit? It is exciting.

OK, I'm gonna show you

Fatiha's thing placed somewhere incredibly surprising.

Here we go, it's...

..a croissant on a roof.

LAUGHTER

Let's just see the natural reaction.

LACKLUSTRE: How did that get there?

LAUGHTER

How do you... How do you think it got there?

I think that Fatiha went straight outside and threw it on the roof.

OK. Don't say anything, Fatiha.

We're gonna see one more before we see how she's done it.

This is Rosie's thing.

There it is, it's bra and a thong on a clock.

LAUGHTER

MILDLY INTERESTED: How did that get there?

You still don't seem that intrigued. How do you think it got there?

I think she climbed up a ladder

and put a bra and a thong on the clock. Interesting.

Well, let's see how these things got where they got. Here we go.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Maybe that was too forceful, innit? Maybe.

Hello. Hi.

Excuse me. Oh, yeah.

OK. That is a lot higher than I thought it was.

Yeah, and you're only little.

FATIHA SHRIEKS

Oh, god. You're doing really well.

Oh, why have I done this?

Oh, my god, this is how I'm gonna die.

Right. This...silly programme.

GRUNTS AND KISSES

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Yes! Yes!

This is terrifying. Hm.

All right. Oh, god, I'm going.

You finished? Yeah, done.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

As I suspected.

You lobbed it up. How many goes did it take her?

It took you seven goes. LAUGHTER

It wasn't my fault.

It was the croissant's fault, it kept on rolling.

Yeah, the croissant did have something to do with it. Yeah.

What's written on the pants?

I did write, "Greg, if this wins, I will give you £50."

Um, but I've, I have... Have you got the cash?

Yeah, and so,

just to let you know, as well, it's a new one.

Ooh, lovely. Ooh, Charles is on it.

Charles. Nice. Lovely. LAUGHTER

Wh-- Why have you given it to him...

STEVIE: Should've held that back. ..before the judgement? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, OK, you did what I said,

you climbed up a ladder... I did. ..and you thought,

"I'll bribe my way out of this." Yeah. Interesting.

Well, I've got the £50. We'll see how we feel at the end. Hm.

Right, time for a break now,

but, as my auntie said when she accidentally threw a stick

for her dog into an open quarry,

"Come back. Please, come back!

"Tintin! Please! Come back!"

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well, well, well.

It's the start of part two

and time for me to continue to shout, "How did that get there?" or not.

Yes, and right now that will depend on how Stevie did.

I'm gonna show you a photo, Greg.

How do you think this got here?

LAUGHTER

Little, little... Little wooden basket with...

With eggs in? STEVIE: No, breads.

Breadsticks. Tiny, tiny French breads.

Little tiny French breads. Yeah. Hm.

INTRIGUED: How did that get there? Ooh.

Wow. Someone's interested. That's good.

I think it probably got there in a weird way.

LAUGHTER OK.

Before I show you, I'm gonna show you Mat's object.

How do you think this got there?

It's a sofa in the garden.

LAUGHTER

FATIHA LAUGHS

MILDLY IRRITATED: How did that get there?

How do you think it got there? Well, Mathew, using the manic energy

that he's been storing up for a whole series,

violently dragged it out of the door. OK.

Well, let's see how those things got there.

MAT GRUNTS

LAUGHTER

Careful.

SHOUTS: Alex, would you like a small basket of breads?

Oh, yes, please, Stevie.

Whoo!

It's just a sofa in a garden.

Or is it?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Wow.

How did that get there?

APPLAUSE

So it wasn't the sofa, it was the cushion that was the subject.

It was me... It was you. ..in the end, wasn't it?

But I'm supposed to be surprised by how the thing got there, aren't I?

Whatever you think...is, is, is a good thing. Look...

If it's the sofa, if it's me... Look, we've got our base.

It's not a croissant lobbed on a roof.

So things are looking good. Now here's the weird thing.

If you'd have asked me to guess Stevie's

I was genuinely gonna say,

I imagine that she lowered it into his mouth with a fishing rod. Really?

Honestly. God.

But I wasn't expecting her to have created an upside down house.

It's a surprising answer. It's surprising galore. OK.

It's surprising galore. OK.

There is one more to see. I know.

It's Jason Mantzoukas.

A banana skin in a cupboard.

LAUGHTER

Now, should my, "How did that get there?"

be based on what I see, or my knowledge of Jason?

That's up to you, Greg.

OK, well, I'll give you both.

INDIFFERENT: How did that get there?

DISTURBED: How did that get there?

LAUGHTER OK.

Here we go, this is what happened.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nish.

Jason.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

LAUGHTER

Oh, my god.

I mean, fair play. Yeah. Yeah.

They did an incredible job making him greyer, I will say.

Yeah. He's not nearly as grey as I am.

You're very different characters, as well. Oh, yes.

He's been on this show and he was...

I mean, the... He was pathetic. Yes.

LAUGHTER

Right, let's go.

Fatiha, I'm very fond of you

but I knew you'd lobbed that croissant on that roof.

One point to Fatiha. One point.

I was mildly more intrigued by Rosie.

Rosie would be right at the top if I were allowed to accept bribes

but I can't. OK, two for you.

Hm, there's a bit of ambiguity about Mathew's, I think.

I knew how that sofa and those cushions got there. Hm.

But I didn't expect him to be hiding in the cushions.

So he did put something somewhere surprising.

So I must reward that to some extent. OK.

So I'll give him three points. Three to you, Mathew.

And we bounce up, obviously Stevie's was a masterpiece.

So much going on there. Thank you.

But I was so genuinely shocked by Kumar's arrival,

I have to reward our American friend with five points.

There we go, five points to Jason Mantzoukas.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

OK.

I mean, there is a bonus point for the most surprising answer.

So I guess, was it Jason's or Stevie's?

Um, obviously Jason.

Jason gets another, he gets six points. OK, another point.

Wow. Six points. APPLAUSE

OK, press your button and show me some scores.

Jason's in the lead with 11 points. Lovely.

CHEERING

That's a high score, let me just say. That's a high score.

Next!

Yes, it's finally time for me to try out some new partners.

Jason. Hello, Alex.

Get those legs out. Wow, they're very white.

Yeah, if you've got them. Yeah.

Those getaway sticks. LAUGHTER

ROSIE LAUGHS Oh. Got your legs oot.

What in the pasty hell is this? What is going on?

Who's pasty? You, bruv. Look.

You know what, let's do this.

Look at your getaway sticks. Yeah.

All right.

"Create the most exciting new bodies

"so that you and Alex become a dynamic duo."

What a sentence.

"You must then do something dynamic together for no more than a minute."

"Most dynamic duo wins."

"You have 30 minutes."

"Your time starts now." Most exciting bodies?

Do I have to touch you? What the hell is going on?

"Make the most exciting new bodies."

Oh, OK, so we can add appendages to ourselves.

Just waiting for an idea to pop into the old noggin.

That's not really how it works. Yeah.

No. Oh, right, shall I just...? OK. Yeah.

"Your time starts now."

LAUGHTER

Close. Almost . Close. Almost. Well...

..looks like, uh, Mathew may have overheard Stevie

and, uh, decided to offer his appendage there.

OK, here we go with Fatiha and Stevie's oh-so-dynamic bodies.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING

Ah, my old friend.

Sir Alex of Horne.

Ah, Sir Stevie of Martin.

HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING

FATIHA HISSES

Hey, Hijab, I don't think you've ever grappled with

a Raging Horne before. The Raging Horne never subsides.

I'm gonna crack your Horne and feed it to the pigeons.

We have fought side by side for decades.

But then you killed my son.

It was an accident.

But you will never believe me.

Dismount, lad.

Now, arm yourself for the last dance.

Are you ready? Ready.

Raging Horne, ready.

Hijab, ready.

And, en garde! Ha!

STEVIE GRUNTS

BELL DINGS You've got no rhythm.

One push and you're done.

Oh!

Here he goes.

I have defeated him!

Raging Horne? More like raging delusional...

I'm still here. ..isn't it? Oh, hello.

STEVIE GRUNTS AND PANTS

I've had enough of this.

Here comes the Hijabi Slabby.

BELL DINGS CROWD CHEERS

I'm the best!

Come here!

STEVIE GRUNTS

STEVIE WAILS

My friend, it's been an honour.

STEVIE GROANS

APPLAUSE

Takes a lot to impress me these days.

I'm old and cynical, but you conjured up the majesty of medieval times.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Thought it was funny, well acted,

there was a very touching moment, "You killed my son."

Loved it. See?

And when I'm nice, no-one likes it.

LAUGHTER

Now then.

I don't know what the hell was going on.

The dynamism was where?

I mean, it just looked like two people dressed as eggs

banging into each other. No!

I used my whole body, you know,

and Alex really did fall over,

and I ended up... Slowly. ..banging my chin. Yeah.

I banged my chin, cos... I'm sorry you banged your chin.

Yeah. And I'm sorry that your video was rubbish.

LAUGHTER Good. Who's next?

OK, well, here are Jason and I, and me and Rosie.

WOLF HOWLING

Skelly? Mm-hm.

We've been rattling around these streets for far too long.

I think it's time that we get up to that city in the sky.

After one last dance. Oh.

Are you ready? Yeah.

Five, six, seven, eight.

LIVELY COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING

LAUGHTER

RHYTHMIC METALLIC CLINKING

LAUGHTER

DISCORDANT WHISTLING

That's right,

we are the dynamic duo known as Captain Drum

and Pipe Beast.

Show 'em what you got, Pipe Beast.

HISSING AND WHISTLING

These are not our original bodies!

WHISTLING AND DRUMMING

Quieter now. Dynamics.

VOLUME SOFTENS

VOLUME INCREASES

LAUGHTER

LIVELY MUSIC CONTINUES

Pipe solo!

VACUUM WHOOSHES RECORDER WHISTLES

This is rock 'n' roll from the future.

My left hand has run out of battery. OK.

LIVELY MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC ENDS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Really nice. Both of them, really nice.

Classic bit of puppet work from you.

One last jig. We loved a jig, didn't we?

You love to jig. Course we did.

But then you were going to your final resting place, presumably.

Yeah. After that jig. Then we went.

And then you passed. Yeah. Mm-hm.

Who'd have thought that these would be...so powerful?

Jason, what did I write down for you? Oh, yeah.

You're a fucking maniac.

LAUGHTER

Sounds about right.

So you were playing on dynamics, musical dynamics, weren't you?

Correct. Louder and quieter. Quieter and louder.

Musical dynamics. Yeah.

And, of course, you were shouting classic catchphrases like,

"These are not our original bodies."

LAUGHTER Yep.

Let's have a break, shall we? This one needs to go and have a wee.

Get it in the litter tray this time.

ALEX HEAVES Oh, great, now he's got a furball.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello!

Welcome back to the penultimate episode of the series,

in which I am currently judging

the most exciting new bodies

combined to create the most dynamic duo.

Yes, and what a body we have next.

What a taut, svelte, lithe body.

Of course, it's Mat Baynton's body.

LAUGHTER

CRUNCHING

RUMBLING OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING

LAUGHTER

OMINOUS MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC ENDS BIRDS SINGING

GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING

AUDIENCE: Aw!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC CONTINUES

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, man.

What a beautiful take on the word dynamic.

And it's the first time, and I'm new to this phrase,

first time I've had a camel toe.

LAUGHTER

ROSIE SQUEALS

Oh, my god. Oh, wow! I know.

I don't know what happened. I know.

What is it? I don't know what it is.

I don't know what it is.

You look like you've got a big, chubby fanny.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm just glad we're talking about somebody else's balls.

LAUGHTER

Right, you need to judge this now. Yeah.

Most dynamic duo wins. I do have to do judge it.

Well... Oh.

Bad, innit? Please.

But I tell you what, though, I so liked the character... Mm.

..I'm not gonna give you one point. I'm gonna give you two points.

OK. Whoo!

I thought that everything else was excellent,

so I'm giving Rosie three and Jason three.

Then I'm jumping up to the knight story.

The narrative was so complex. Four points to Stevie Martin. OK.

And, of course,

how could I not give five points to Mathew's beautiful butterfly?

Well done, Mathew Baynton. Five points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, let's have another. Yes, we're gonna have another now,

and another, and another, and another.

And another.

ALEX OVER SPEAKER: All the information's on the task.

Miaow!

Well, all the information is on the task.

Assalaamu Alaikum, habibi.

Oh. Nice simple one.

Ooh, OK, good. These are the ones I like.

Let's get into a good, hearty task.

Immediately, disaster.

Ooh, "Conquer the multitask."

"You must complete every task in every room you enter."

"Fastest wins."

"Your time starts now.

"Now either have a snack in the kitchen

"or a lie down in the hutch."

Where's the hutch? Hm.

APPLAUSE

Good, I think I understand it. Mm-hm. Not much to say.

We just need to see them in action, don't we, on this occasion?

That's right. It's choose your own task-ing time,

and we're gonna begin with Fatiha and Jason.

I'll do a snack in the kitchen, if you don't mind.

I'll come with you. Shall we? Yes, please.

Oh, habibi, you think you are clever?

I am cleverer than you.

2-8-5-1.

You've written down your snack.

What?

"Clean up this mess."

What the hell, man? Oi, this is disgusting.

"Then either have a lie down in the hutch..."

"..or finish a drink in the caravan."

Drink in the caravan, please.

Oh. I want the elixir

but I'm scared it's gonna taste like nonsense.

Blue drink, is it? Mm-hm.

Done.

"Become this person. If you have eaten a snack,

"you must wear the snack sign for the rest of the task."

Become this person?

Oh, I see. This person. Got it. Sorry, sorry. Yes, please.

"Wander in the living room or rummage in the shed, please."

I'll have a rummage in the shed. OK.

Come on.

Can I have this coat? I think it's nice, you know.

"Give Patatas the elixir."

Patatas?

"You must use the baby bottle to administer the elixir.

"Then you have conquered the multitask."

Baby bottle is what I'm looking for.

Baby bottle.

Ah, ah! I found it, I found it, I found it.

There's a safe, and I wrote down the combination.

2-8-5-1.

Aw, cat.

OK.

Remember, if you go into a room, you've gotta do the task.

Dammit!

"Become this person. If you have eaten a snack,

"you must wear the snack sign for the rest of the task."

Boy, is this hard to figure out.

Wait, wait, wait.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Patatas, be cool.

That was pretty smooth.

Thank you, Fatiha. Thank you.

Eee! I've stopped the clock.

Bye. APPLAUSE

I was genuinely, genuinely just thinking,

"Oh, this is nice. Jason hasn't smashed anything up."

But an unnecessary cat murder at the end.

And I dismantled the shed entirely. He did do that.

Good, as long as you cost us money.

Uh... Well, they were both quite good, weren't they?

They were really good. They both sussed out the cookie code

was significant early doors. Yeah.

And every time you went into a room you had to do the task

that was in there, so Fatiha cleverly at the end

didn't go into the room but reached through and got the elixir.

Real good. And that's why she is... Very clever.

..five minutes quicker than Jason, in the end.

Six minutes 14, and 11 minutes 55. Wow.

Top speed so far.

Wanna see two more? Uh, yeah.

OK, well, it's two women called Stevie and Rosie next.

Yes, it's Stevie and Rosie. Here we go.

"Either have a snack in the kitchen or a lie down in the hutch."

Ooh. Ooh, a lie down.

Right, done that.

"Reconstruct the Taskmaster house." Yes, please.

What is that? 2-8-5-1.

That's it. "Now either brush your teeth in the lab

"or have a snack in the kitchen."

I'm gonna have a little snacky snack.

Snack for me, please.

It's a number again.

Is that sand? Greg was here earlier.

What, cooking sand? Yeah.

I'm going to the caravan and having a drink.

Come on. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. "Then either wander into the living room..."

"..or have a rummage in the shed."

I've been in the shed already.

I'll go back to the shed, seeing as I'm here. OK.

"Give Patatas the elixir." Who's Patatas?

Well, if you need more information, you know where to go.

Yeah, I do. Oh.

I don't have to do this again, do I?

"Brush your teeth in the lab." I haven't brushed my teeth.

Oh, my god. STEVIE CHUCKLES

"Fold up the map."

Behind some oars. I'm just gonna remember, behind some oars.

What map? I don't have a map yet.

Do you not have a map yet? Where's the map?

The map's gonna be somewhere else.

I guess so. OK. LAUGHTER

"Then shimmy to the shed or dance for 30 seconds in the dome."

I'm gonna dance.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYING

I'm gonna go and have a drink in the caravan.

"Become this person." STEVIE SQUEALS

Wander to the living room.

Oh, hello. Hello.

"Pop this balloon."

ROSIE SCREAMS

SHE LAUGHS I'm so sorry!

That was horrible.

There's something in that. "You've found me."

SHE GASPS "Go immediately to the shed."

LAUGHTER

Oh, the shed. This is the shed.

Ah. That's the hutch.

"Give Patatas the elixir." Who's Patatas?

Right, I need the elixir anyway.

Right. Oh, a lollipop lady.

OK, I'm gonna go into the shed.

Oh, maybe it's a map of where Patatas is, do you think?

Shut...

Was that there before?

I mean, it's huge. It can't have been, can it?

Let's go. It was behind the oars.

Right, 2-8-5-1.

Hello, baby.

I don't think he wants it. He wants it.

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE I've stopped the clock.

APPLAUSE Lovely. Lovely.

Lovely. Good.

The thing that fascinates me is the difference in your energies,

and I felt like I was watching one mad teenager

who'd eaten three Easter eggs,

and then a mum who was just pottering around the shops.

"Ooh, well, I guess I'll pop in here, then."

"See what we've got in here," followed by, "Yaah! Aah!"

I've got two kids, I think that's the difference.

I ate quite a lot of the biscuits.

Were they similar times? Tell me some stats.

Well, they were similar number of rooms they went into.

They each went into 13 rooms.

Um, Stevie, 23 minutes and 29 seconds. OK.

Still much quicker than Rosie, who was half an hour.

Of course she was,

she went and had her nails done halfway through.

LAUGHTER

Right, well that's the end of part three.

Soon you'll see one of the cast up on stage

waving behind a chest of drawers, an air fryer, some boobs,

a foot and a paddling pool.

And you'd be forgiven for thinking perhaps humans should be extinct.

We'll see you in a minute.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Welcome back to the very last part of the show.

There was a busy old task going on before the break, wasn't there, Alex?

Mm-mm, yes, there was.

The cast are trying to conquer the multitask,

and there's only one person left to go,

presumably because he's been so brilliant. It's Mat.

Is this a nice snack for me?

MAT MUMBLES Pardon?

"Clean up this mess."

Drink in the caravan. We're going to the caravan, are we? Right.

Oh, elixir, why not? You deserve it.

To the living room.

Oh, I've never seen it done like that before.

MATHEW SPITS "Then shimmy to the shed."

"Give Patatas the elixir."

Where's the elixir? In... In me.

Is there more elixir?

Who is Patatas?

Oh, "If you need more information either have a snack...

"..in the kitchen or a lie down in the hutch."

While I'm here, I really am keen to have gathered a clue.

"Then either brush your teeth in the lab

"or have a snack in the kitchen." Right.

LAUGHTER

A safe.

What's the code?

There must be more clues in here.

I guess we move? The thing is, I know I'm gonna be back here.

LAUGHTER That's enough snack for me.

I'll just clean up the mess.

"Brush your teeth and then have a rummage in the shed."

"Pop this balloon and have a snack in the kitchen."

The fact it says have a lie down

makes me think it must be a clue...

LAUGHTER ..up above.

There's probably a clue in here, you would've thought.

There's a clue. 2-8-5-1.

Pop into the lab. OK.

I've forgotten the number again. MATHEW LAUGHS

2-5-6-1. LAUGHTER

2-5-7-1.

RAPID BEEPING It's not accepting any...

Well... ..buttons any more.

You might have to give it a couple of minutes.

Just popping off to the hutch for a little lie down.

2-8-5-1.

2-8-5-1. 2-8-5-1.

2-8-5-1. 2-8-5-1. LAUGHTER

RAPID BEEPING I've broken the safe.

Oh, you've been locked out. Four minutes we have to wait.

It's amazing how many regrets you can have, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

KEYPAD BEEPING

Patatas!

I've stopped the clock, Mathew.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well...

Um, it was bad luck, though, do you not think?

That's what I felt throughout. Bad luck?

I just thought he was really unlucky that he missed things.

Well, I mean, you say that, he went into 32 rooms in the end.

LAUGHTER

JASON AND ROSIE: What?

Sorry, I take it back. The man's an idiot. Yeah.

Ah, you'll be all right.

NONCHALANT: Yeah.

Don't say it like, though, cos it seemed over-defensive, that did.

Oh. "Yeah, no, I'm fine, whatever."

Well, I fucking am.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, give me some scores.

Fatiha gets the five points. The fastest by miles. Five points.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Well done, Fatiha. Six minutes.

Jason's in second, he gets four points for his 11 minutes 55.

Stevie, three points, 23 minutes.

Rosie, half an hour, but still you get two points for coming fourth

because Mathew took 51 minutes and gets one point.

LAUGHTER Unlucky, though, Mathew.

51.

OK. Will you make your way to the stage for...

..the final task of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi there, my dear friend. Hey, Greg.

You all right? Yeah, I've just been to the gym.

LAUGHTER

Um, who's gonna read the task out?

My beautiful butterfly brother, Baynton.

Thanks, brother. LAUGHTER

"Say a word that fits the category given by the Taskmaster,

"then press your button and the time will pass to the other team.

"Team members must take it in turns to say words

"and no words may be repeated during the task.

"The team that does not run out of time wins."

I will explain. There's a chess clock here,

both teams have got 30 seconds so the quicker you think,

the quicker you press the button, the better you'll do.

The team of three is going first. OK.

As soon I press the button, your clock starts.

Round one. The category is...

It's five-letter words. Good luck.

Penis.

Apple.

Ankle? STEVIE: Apple. Juice.

Juice. Chips.

Chips, good.

Agree. Agree is good.

Flags. Lovely.

Shoes. Death.

Metal. Death metal, that's nice.

T-- Light.

Found. Knife.

Knife. Forks. Forks.

Angel. Not you!

LAUGHTER

Mathew just did one.

I'm sorry. No, it's all right. But no, stay there. Stay there.

MAT: I said forks. I know, but then she said...

So after your team, it's your team. ROSIE: I got too excited.

Looks like the supply teacher's lost control, doesn't it?

LAUGHTER It's your...

Don't press the button until they've done it. OK, I'm sorry.

Piles.

An... Angel.

Grape.

Tasks. Lovely, cos that's the show, isn't it?

Boobs. Crisp.

Charm. Carry.

Queen.

Kings. Slits.

Hands.

Rosie? Not you!

LAUGHTER

Oh...

Fucks.

Rosie? ROSIE LAUGHS

Jason. BUZZER SOUNDS

It's all over, this team wins round one. Thank god.

APPLAUSE

Well, if that was tricky, you'd better strap yourselves in.

It's round two, everyone. It's 1-0 to the team of three.

Words that start and end with the letter T.

They start and end with the letter T,

we're starting with the team of two. Good luck.

Twat. LAUGHTER

Teat. Twist.

Thrift. Tenet.

Tit.

Trot. Tenant.

Taught.

Twit. Tint.

To...

Toppa-loppa-top-top-tip. LAUGHTER

Don't press that button until you say a word

that starts and ends with T.

FATIHA WHISPERS: Trot. We've had trot.

Shh!

Ti... Tint.

No helping, Fatiha. FATIHA: Sorry.

Tint? No? Has that been? We've had tint.

MAT: Turret.

ROSIE: Torrent. Shh.

What was the word? Torrent. Torrent.

Oh, it's team of two who gets round two.

ALEX SIGHS Are you OK? Are you all right?

That's very nice, she's just checking I'm OK.

And not really, no, not really. OK. LAUGHTER

You're doing well. You've not been a teacher long.

Um... OK, it is round three, the final round.

It's 1-1, this is it. Good luck.

JASON: Here we go, Stevie.

This is absolutely horrific.

Words one letter longer than the previous word.

Starting with you Rosie, go.

I.

In.

We're looking for a three-letter word.

The.

Brat.

Fudge.

Fudges.

What? I don't... We're looking for a seven-letter word.

Beetles.

Yes. Um...

Brr, what? So, I'm eight? Yes.

Chainsaw.

Correct. A nine-letter word.

Meat-freeze.

No, I can't... LAUGHTER

No, you get brain-freeze, you don't get meat-freeze.

Um, I... BUZZER SOUNDS

You could've had chainsaws. But the team of two wins!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Come down, we'll add that to your final scores.

APPLAUSE

Hello, again.

Surprisingly tense.

Yes, I just enjoyed being in full control of a task.

LAUGHTER

So the team of three gets three points,

the team of two get five points.

Well done, Jason and Stevie. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Which means that the team of two have dominated today's scoreboard.

Stevie is in second place with 19 points

but Jason Mantzoukas wins the episode, his second,

with 23 points!

Jason wins! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please go up and celebrate on the telly

with your things that make jelly!

It's the final next, but for now there's just one winner,

and it's Jason Mantzoukas! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media