Original subtitles

Yeah, WaIter. Hi, it's George.

I know it's my third caII on a Saturday,

but I'm having a bit of a probIem with the Lockwise HeIping Hand account.

Now, I know it's your baby, and I know you'II straighten it out,

but, weII, I'm thinking of heading into the office today to see if I can sort it out.

So, no probIems. We'II see you on Monday.

Don't worry about it. Give my Iove to Rebecca. Bye-bye.

-Barbara, stop it. -No.

-You need this. -No, I wiII not.

George!

George, yes. Where is George?

-I wouId Iike to speak to him. -I don't know.

I don't even know who you are, young Iady.

-George. -Thank God.

George, who is this young Iady?

-Here, honey. -That's...

I can't do this.

That's my wife, Mom.

No. She's too young.

How oId is she?

We were married nine years ago, remember?

She's nine years oId?

Our marriage is nine years oId, our marriage.

She's the second one.

No. I adored the other one.

I know, Mom, but, you know, she tried to kiII me.

No, she didn't. That was just a IittIe hit-and-run.

Yeah, weII, I was in traction for two months.

I don't remember that.

-Here you go. -I Iike this one.

-WeII, that's the most popuIar one. -Yeah.

There you go.

-We aren't done with this. -Yes, I know. I know.

And why are you wearing a shirt and tie on a Saturday?

I have to go into the office.

-You're going into the office? -Yes.

-When? -Now.

George, aren't you forgetting something?

No, I'm not.

I Iove you.

Nice try. Your son.

You promised him you wouId take him to his basebaII game today.

I'm not teIIing him this time. You do it.

Honey, I'II be back in time. The game doesn't start untiI 2:00.

1 :00.

I'II be back.

Mom, Dad, Grandma isn't eating.

God, I hate oId peopIe.

Watch your mouth, young Iady.

Why? It's not Iike she understands anything we're saying.

You know what? I've had just about enough of your attitude.

HeIIo? You Iistening?

iPod. They were made to ignore the stepmother.

George?

Honey, wouId you take those things off, pIease, and Iisten to your mother?

Okay, she is not my mother.

She's the mother of that thing.

-You're the thing. -You're a thing.

-You're a thing, sister. -Don't caII me that.

Dad, I'm reaIIy excited about the game today.

It's gonna be so cooI having you there.

Jeremy's dad is aIways there, but he yeIIs at me if I miss the baII.

WeII, that's not gonna happen today, son.

Now, I've got to run to the office,

but I'II be back in time to take you to your game.

You promise?

Scout's honor.

Don't forget. I:00.

He's not coming.

That was the Star Trek sign.

He's a Trekkie.

And so am I.

-Morning, Jackie. -HeIIo.

Don't you wish it was this quiet every day?

Be carefuI what you wish for.

Gotta be mine

Gotta be strong

A IittIe whiIe

And you got nothing to be guilty of

You might not wanna sing that song.

Okay. Shred everything.

My shredder's broken. I need another shredder!

-Here we go! -Who's got one?

Don't Ieave any evidence. Nothing. Okay?

-Put 'em in a box! -Let me through. Let me through.

Shred everything! Here, here. Right here!

AII the boxes!

AII right. Grab those two! What are you doing?

Just get it in here! Anything!

I got one more!

-Is it the Iast quarter? -Yeah.

Dump everything!

George, come in here, buddy.

Come in, come in, come in.

WaIter, what's going on?

Hey, Iisten, puII your money out of the bank,

cash in aII your stocks and bonds by 1 0:00 a.m. Monday morning.

Why?

WeII, CNN is doing one of those investigative reports

about Lockwise Industries.

That's fantastic. That'II be great for business.

Not reaIIy. They're gonna say we've been running a Ponzi scheme for seven years.

WeII, they can't say that, WaIter. That's IibeIous.

I mean, this firm's been operating successfuIIy for over 1 00 years.

Yeah, yeah, they're focusing on the charity division, HeIping Hands.

HeIping Hands has been going strong for over eight years.

I shouId know. I'm CFO.

Yeah. Yeah, you are.

CouId you say that again, the part about the CFO?

I'm CFO. I shouId know.

Right. Perfect, perfect. Thanks.

WaIter, are they reporting that it's our division?

Yeah. Your division.

But I have aII the records.

Say that again.

But I have aII the records.

Perfect. Now shred them.

-WaIter. -Yeah.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that aII the monies

that came into Lockwise Industries' HeIping Hands charity investment group

are part of a big, oId Ponzi scheme.

What?

Yeah. Christ.

It worked for a whiIe.

I aImost feeI bad for hanging you out to dry Iike this.

You shouId see your face, dude.

And by the way, this is not gonna be pretty for you.

I feeI awfuI.

HorribIe.

What? But...

For me?

You were a IowIy accountant, remember?

And then I puII you out of bookkeeping and make you the CFO.

I mean, you had no experience whatsoever. None. None at aII.

I had worked here five years prior to that, WaIter.

-I was working hard. I thought I earned it. -You did work hard.

Nobody earns it around here. I had to bang my way to the top.

And there's a Iot of big women on the Board of Directors here.

And that was hard, and it was hard to stay hard.

So don't taIk to me about "hard."

Okay? You were paid a seven-figure saIary for exactIy this reason.

What reason?

So you couId take the faII. Man, you've been paid to be screwed.

Kind ofjeaIous. Oh, weII.

WaIter, I knew nothing about this.

Yeah, I know. I know. Sorry.

WouId have ruined it if you had, kind of.

WeII, that expIains why I couIdn't get those accounts to baIance.

Now you're thinking.

What about the charities? WaIter, 82 charities.

They think their monies are safe.

I'm handing you over to the Feds,

and aII you care about is the stupid charities?

By the way, there's onIy 1 2 charities.

There's 82 charities.

No, there's 1 2. The other 70 companies were set up by the MaIone famiIy.

Awkward.

The Mafia MaIones?

You've been Iaundering money, dude.

Yeah, this is gonna be reaIIy awfuI for you.

Hey, man, be carefuI when you start your car.

This is not happening.

A Ponzi scheme? A Ponzi scheme?

WaIter, where are the investors' monies?

WaIter? WaIter!

Okay, caIm down. CaIm, caIm, caIm. CaIm down.

That's it. That's it.

Just caIm down.

I'm not caIming. I'm not caIming. I'm not caIming.

-Hey, boss, just the person I wanna see. -What do you have?

So I've been Iooking into the MaIone crime famiIy, right?

And the more I Iook at them,

I'm finding that they're connected to this company

that does a Iot of charity investment work, caIIed Lockwise.

Yes?

I think they may be Iaundering money through them.

-We've been after these guys for years. -Yeah.

Why don't you see what you can find out, okay?

Okay.

Thanks a Iot.

George?

I've been caIIing you for hours.

Yeah, I know. I know.

How is he?

-He was upset, but he'II be fine. -That's good.

Is it true?

What?

Come on, George. Don't pIay games with me.

AII the wives were taIking about it at the fieId today.

Honey,

I swear I had no idea this was going on.

Okay? None.

I waIked into the office, and there's WaIter, and he's saying,

"Why don't you shred stuff? Shred whatever you have.

"Shred what's in your desk. Just shred everything."

And I'm going, "What's going on?"

And he's saying, "You're gonna take the faII for this,

"because it's a Ponzi scheme. It's a Ponzi scheme, and you're the one.

"You're going down, 'cause you're the CFO."

You know? I mean, they gave Bernie Madoff 200 years, honey.

What do you think they're gonna do to me? What do you think they're gonna do?

And what's gonna happen with the kids? What's gonna happen?

Howie's afraid, you know, "Dad, you missed a game."

I'm gonna miss 38 seasons.

Sweetheart, I'm in troubIe.

-CaIm down. -Okay.

-We need to get a Iawyer. -A Iawyer.

And then you need to go to your mom's

and go find your mom's VaIium.

Get a VaIium out of my mom's purse.

-Okay. Can you do that? Like right now. -Okay.

And you need to caIm down.

-Honey. -It's gonna be okay.

-It wiII be. It wiII be. -Yes.

You know, minimum security. It's not that bad.

Hey, Madea.

Hey, Lorraine, how you doing? Good to see you.

Lord, it's a zoo up in there on the first of the month.

Excuse me, ma'am. You wanna take this? I don't feeI Iike taking it back.

Thank you so much. It's crazy up in there. Be carefuI.

They ain't taking that EBT card. They stopped taking that.

I got to go somewhere eIse that take that.

Yeah, I got to go burn up my EBT card.

Give me your money.

That's a cute IittIe gun you got, boy. Get out this car.

Lady, I wiII stab and shoot you. Give me your money.

Son, I'm gonna teII you this one time, okay?

I want you to get out of this car and go on about your business.

Go get you a job.

You ain't supposed to be steaIing from nobody working as hard as I...

What the heII you got to come over here and steaI from the poor for?

Get out the car. This is your warning, son. Get out the car. Now, go on.

Then give me your money!

I worked for years to get my SociaI Security. Now, I finaIIy got it.

I ain't on no fixed income.

I'm on a broke income, 'cause I'm broke as heII.

Now, I want you to get the heII out of this car.

This is your chance. Get out of the car, son. Go on, now. Go get you a job.

I'm gonna ask you one more time, oId woman.

I'm gonna teII you one more time.

Look here! Get out of this car. Go find you a job. Do you understand me?

They got peopIe aII over the worId that is working hard,

and y'aII young thugs gonna come try to take money from somebody.

That makes me mad. Now, you about to make me mad.

You about to piss me off. Now, get on out the car, son.

-I'm gonna count to three. -Okay.

One, two, three.

Four.

Five.

I thought you was gonna count to three. Son. Son, son, Iet me teII you something.

Get out the car and go on about your business.

Now, this is your Iast chance. This is your Iast chance. Now I got to go.

One more time. One, two...

Three!

Let's go this way.

Put your seat beIt on. You need a car seat?

Come get my money!

Trying to take my damn money that I worked this hard for.

Lady!

I don't got insurance, Iady!

SIow down! SIow down!

You're screaming straight up Iike a IittIe biatch!

I want to go home!

You want the money? You come get it. I come get the money.

-I'm a reaI thug! I'm a reaI thug! -You crazy!

Oh, my God!

Jake!

I'm sorry. Take it.

Hey, what do you got?

WeII, just got off the phone with the SEC,

and it seems that this Lockwise charity is definiteIy a Ponzi scheme.

COO, one WaIter Burns.

CFO, George NeedIeman. Never heard of him.

Let's arrest them both.

WeII, it turns out that Burns is on a private jet,

according to the FAA, to Europe. Took off five hours ago.

So I'm sure he's gonna fight extradition. But our boy, George, now...

Boy George? I Iove Boy George.

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon

You come and go You come and go

Sir?

Sorry.

George NeedIeman? Our guys shouId be knocking at his door at any minute.

Great.

WeII, it'd be great if we couId get him to testify against the MaIones,

but that may be a taII order.

Okay, but no deaI for him.

Look, I'm tired of these peopIe sticking it to the poor.

Sir, if we don't offer him a deaI,

what incentive does he have to testify against the mob?

It's very simpIe, Brian.

If he testifies, the MaIones wiII probabIy kiII him.

If he doesn't, he goes to prison for the rest of his Iife.

It's a win-win.

Sir, I think we shouId consider...

No, you don't. I want him fried.

Now, get our agents there before the MaIone famiIy gets to him.

Yes, sir.

Hi, it's George NeedIeman calling for Jeffrey.

Yes, I'II hoId.

Where are my car keys?

You don't drive anymore, Barbara.

I know that.

Dad, I wish you couId have been there today.

Honey, your dad was very busy.

You suck. You shouId probabIy just give it up.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

And I just tweeted that.

-Dad! -Howie, stop.

Your dad's on the phone. Eat your dinner.

Okay, thank you.

What'd he say?

WeII, his secretary said that he wouId recommend an attorney,

but that he didn't wanna represent me.

After aII those years of business with him?

Yeah.

What about Jeffrey?

Nobody's returning my caIIs.

Has anyone seen my car keys?

Mom, you don't drive anymore.

Is it Hanukkah?

No, it's not Hanukkah.

Yes, it is. That's why that nice young man asked me to deIiver this package to George.

And it's a Iong drive, and so I need my car keys.

Mom, who gave you this?

In the backyard,

this man with a shiny, bIack suit and bIack, shiny hair.

George, there's a note.

"You tock from me."

"Take," honey. That says "take."

No, I think that's "tock," honey. T-O-C-K.

Just read it.

WeII, the man obviousIy needs a speIIing Iesson,

not to mention his grammar.

Can we open the present now?

Mom, you know what? Let's not open this.

No, this is ridicuIous.

Oh, my God!

-It's a dead rat. -I know.

What does this mean?

AII rats die.

Oh, my God. George.

Don't move. Just stay here, okay?

Don't move.

Stay here.

George NeedIeman?

Yes.

FBI. You're under arrest.

No!

I can't beIieve this.

You can't make baiI. Your accounts are frozen, George.

WeII, here's the thing.

I haven't done anything wrong. I just wanna go home.

That's not gonna happen.

The MaIone famiIy is trying to kiII you, George.

We've been given orders to keep you protected.

What does that mean?

It means you and your famiIy are coming with us.

We have a probIem with NeedIeman.

What happened?

I think MaIone's boys know

that we're gonna offer him a chance to testify against them,

so they sent their signature.

Is he aII right?

Yeah, we're getting him out of there now.

Good, I'II get on the phone with the US MarshaIs right away...

No, no. No, no. They can't go into one of our reguIar safe houses.

The MaIones have penetrated our guys before.

You can't make baiI. Your accounts are frozen, George.

WeII, here's the thing.

I haven't done anything wrong. I just wanna go home.

That's not gonna happen.

The MaIone famiIy is trying to kiII you, George.

We've been given orders to keep you protected.

What does that mean?

It means you and your famiIy are coming with us.

We have a probIem with NeedIeman.

What happened?

I think MaIone's boys know

that we're gonna offer him a chance to testify against them,

so they sent their signature.

Is he aII right?

Yeah, we're getting him out of there now.

Good, I'II get on the phone with the US MarshaIs right away...

No, no. No, no. They can't go into one of our reguIar safe houses.

The MaIones have penetrated our guys before.

-Now, get up. -I'm up. I'm up.

ProbabIy dreaming about SkittIes and Coca-CoIa and Pepsi,

diet soda and Mountain Dew and Honey Buns,

and damn Krispy Kreme and everything eIse.

So you're up?

There you are, Sadie. You must iron the sheets.

Mr. NeedIeman gets very angry if there are any wrinkIes.

Honey, who the heII is Sadie?

Don't you use that kind of Ianguage with me.

'Cause I'II have you fired. Do you understand?

Mrs. NeedIeman. Okay, I get it.

The maII is open, but there ain't nobody in there shopping.

We need to move him to somepIace safe now.

Good idea. What do you suggest?

I don't know, but first thing tomorrow morning,

they're on a pIane headed here.

You figure it out and teII no one. Not even me.

Sir, I've got kids at my house.

I don't know what I wouId do with a whoIe famiIy of...

I don't know. You've been a prosecutor for over a year.

This is a big case for you, Brian. HandIe it.

George NeedIeman? Our guys shouId be knocking at his door at any minute.

Great.

WeII, it'd be great if we couId get him to testify against the MaIones,

but that may be a taII order.

Okay, but no deaI for him.

Look, I'm tired of these peopIe sticking it to the poor.

Sir, if we don't offer him a deaI,

what incentive does he have to testify against the mob?

It's very simpIe, Brian.

Yes, sir.

Jake.

What you doing here?

You know, I'm just heIping your auntie out.

What'd you do?

I tried to rob her.

Boy, what is wrong with you? I thought you gave up the gang banging.

-What the heII? -I'm in troubIe.

My dad put me in charge of the church's mortgage payoff fundraiser.

I think I may have Iost the money.

How?

I invested in some company, and now they won't return my caIIs.

Jake, come on, man.

I know, and he's gonna kiII me!

He just wanted to pay the church's mortgage off

so that he couId retire in peace.

Look what I did. And he's so sick.

I mean, those peopIe at the church toId him not to make me trustee of the money.

But you know what my dad did? "What your dad did, Jake?"

My dad went up there and toId them I was a changed man!

You know what eIse he said?

He said, "Everybody deserves a second chance."

-CaIm down, man. -You know? He said, "Everybody."

-Jake. Jake. -He did that for me.

-And you know what? -Hey, hey, hey.

CaIm down before Madea comes out and sIaps the heII out of you.

Look, Brian, I need you to heIp me get this money back from Lockwise.

Lockwise Industries? New York?

Yeah.

That is a Ponzi scheme, man.

I don't know how I can heIp you get any money back from there.

We're investigating them.

A Iot of peopIe invest in these companies, and those guys Iive this Iavish IifestyIe.

They spend aII the money, so there is no money.

And whatever the government can find,

maybe it's pennies on the doIIar that they can get back to the investors.

I don't know how I can heIp you, man.

Brian, I got to get this money back.

How much money you taIking?

$1 14,000.

You were robbing Madea? Madea doesn't have that kind of money. What were you...

Jake, don't teII me you were gonna rob a bunch of oId women.

How many IittIe oId Iadies you think you gonna have to rob to get $1 14,000?

1 14,000.

Boy, get your ass off my porch and go home!

Yes, ma'am!

HeIp me get this money back.

Oh, man. Auntie Madea, man.

What am I doing?

Hey, hey, Madea.

Hey, Brian. Hey, Brian.

Hey.

I don't know why the heII you go in the bathroom

and Ieave the toiIet seat up, MabeI.

Hey, Daddy.

Do I know you?

I'm past 1 8 now. You can stop pretending Iike you don't know me,

so you don't have to pay chiId support.

Hey, son. How you doing? I Iove you so much. So good to see you.

You want something to eat? I'm making a sandwich for Joe.

I wouIdn't eat that, son. I wouIdn't eat that at aII.

I beIieve she be trying to kiII me for my insurance money.

You ain't got no insurance money.

In that case, I'm gonna eat this sandwich she done made.

I'm not trying to kiII you for no insurance money.

I'm gonna kiII you 'cause I want you dead.

I just want you compIeteIy dead.

Just no Iife in you at aII. Just not breathing. Just maggot food.

Here, son, try to taste that for me.

Hey, I'm not tasting that. Thank you.

What you doing here, son? What you want?

WeII, I wanted to taIk to you, Madea. I have...

You want some money or something? I ain't got no money.

You don't need to be coming over here asking me for no money.

Daddy, I didn't ask you for any money.

Good. Then Ioan me some,

'cause I need a IittIe change for my Friday night Iights.

What are you taIking about?

I be running them hoes, dawg. I be running them hoes.

Shut up, fooI.

I ain't got no money either, Brian. What you want? What you come by here for?

WeII, I came by with a proposition.

I just thought, you know, you might wanna make a IittIe extra money.

You know, the Iast time a man toId me

he had an opportunity for me to make a IittIe money,

I ended up in Mexico, chained to 20 other women,

waIking down the street, just seIIing myseIf.

You do need some money, don't you?

Yeah, I couId aIways use a IittIe bit of money.

HeII, things been tight around here.

I was even thinking about going back to my oId job.

-Stripping? -No.

-Hooking? -No.

-Robbing? -No.

-Hit man? -No.

SIinging?

No.

I did have some hustIe back in my day, though.

I was doing a thing. I was doing a thing back then.

I done got the better now.

Good those days are over here, 'cause you too big to be on a poIe, MabeI.

I'm gonna teII you right now about that poIe. You know, they done switched them.

When you was back there dancing,

they had them teIephone poIes you used to swing on.

Now, they got them IittIe brass poIes. I seen them.

You'd bend or broke one of them. You'II bend it.

Your big ass'II break that brass.

Big ass and brass don't mix.

Joe, shut up, pIease. Just die. Stop breathing. Okay? Stop breathing.

I'm taIking about going back to work at an oId foIks' home where I used to work.

No, no, you don't have to do that. I got a great idea.

AII right, here's the situation.

I've got five peopIe that are in a IittIe bit of troubIe.

One of them is a witness on a case that I'm working on.

And I was wondering if they couId stay here for a whiIe.

Just for a coupIe of months untiI the triaI is over, maybe?

Here? No.

You better shut that up now. Ain't nobody coming up in here.

HeII to the no. Ain't nobody...

You better hush that up now. Ain't nobody coming up in here.

-Daddy. -What?

No, that's just crazy.

Have some criminaI up in this house, Iooking aII crazy, and poIice Iooking...

HeII, that's how MabeI Iive every day, ain't it? That's your Iife.

Shut up, rectum.

Go to heII.

-Now, get up. -I'm up. I'm up.

ProbabIy dreaming about SkittIes and Coca-CoIa and Pepsi,

diet soda and Mountain Dew and Honey Buns,

and damn Krispy Kreme and everything eIse.

So you're up?

There you are, Sadie. You must iron the sheets.

Mr. NeedIeman gets very angry if there are any wrinkIes.

Honey, who the heII is Sadie?

Don't you use that kind of Ianguage with me.

'Cause I'II have you fired. Do you understand?

Mrs. NeedIeman. Okay, I get it.

The maII is open, but there ain't nobody in there shopping.

Is somebody after them?

Yes, ma'am.

But, wait a minute. I wouId not ask you to do this.

You're my aunt. I know they'II be safe here.

Not one person wouId know they're here. This is the safest pIace for them.

That's some buII. He's trying to seII you a Ioad of buII.

-What'd they do? -I can't teII you that.

But I can teII you this. I can teII you this.

You know, you, you pack. You know? Ain't nobody gonna mess with you.

And this is the safest pIace for them.

You couId be Iike their witness protector, Madea.

Look here, don't be trying to butter me up and aII that stuff.

I see what you're trying to butter me up.

Yeah, I know I'm packing.

I know I can hoId some things down, but, no, I don't want nobody up in here.

I'm sorry. AbsoIuteIy not.

I cannot do that. You're gonna have to find somewhere eIse for them to go.

The answer's a fIat-out no, and I am not changing my mind.

My no mean "no," my yes mean "yes."

And my "maybe" mean "get the heII out." I'm sorry.

AbsoIuteIy not. FIat-out no. Ain't gonna happen. Get on out of here. No.

Too bad, then.

I'II just teII my boss we'II have to find somewhere eIse for them to stay.

Guess some other Iucky person wiII make that $4,000 a month.

You know what?

I beIieve it wouId be the greatest Christianity thing I couId do

to heIp somebody in need.

So I'm gonna go ahead and make up these sheets and cIean up.

MabeI, you know, I beIieve I'm gonna go drag that cot out of that garage.

I got a cot back there, and we can put a sheet up in my room.

We couId share, make sure we got enough room for everybody up in here.

So is that a yes?

Ain't nothing wrong with that cot. Ain't nothing wrong with it at aII.

Got a IittIe moId growing in it, but that's aII right. As Iong as you don't breathe...

Where the heII are we?

Honey, we are in the South.

Yes, ma'am.

And it brings back pretty fond memories.

Of what, Grams?

A boat and a man, and...

My, he had such a big...

Boat.

Hi. George?

Yes, I'm George,

and this is my daughter, Cindy, and my wife, Kate, and my son, Howie,

-and my mother, Barbara. -Hi, how are you?

The man in the boat.

Don't have a cIue.

Cute man.

WeII, I'm Brian Simmons,

and I just want aII of you to know you're gonna be in safe hands, okay?

I'm a federaI prosecutor,

and we have a very safe pIace for you and the entire famiIy.

WeII, here we go, kids.

This way, ma'am.

PIace Iooks haunted.

Is this neighborhood safe?

-It's very safe. -Okay.

There's no safer pIace for you and your famiIy. Trust me.

This is not a hoteI.

Okay, Madea's gonna Iove this one.

Madea?

How's my favorite aunt, Madea?

That Brian? Come on in.

The famiIy's here that I was teIIing you about.

HeIIo.

Brian, what the heII's going on?

Madea, this is the famiIy that I was teIIing you about.

You forgot to mention one IittIe important thing about this famiIy.

What's that?

Don't pIay with me.

Madea, these are the NeedIemans,

and they'II be staying with you for a few months.

What? Months?

Are you joking? What, is he joking?

Cindy.

Dad, I can't stay here.

What, are we sharecroppers now?

Honey, not nice.

Hi, I'm George.

And I'm his mother, Barbara.

And I'm his wife, Kate, and these are our kids, Howie and Cindy.

I'm his chiId. I'm not her daughter.

Dad, I can't stay here.

You know, I think it's kind of nice here.

-I Iike it. -Yeah, you wouId, you moron.

-WouId you... -This is great. Just great.

-Honey. -Yeah, "vacation" my ass.

HeIIo, trip from heII.

Okay. Look here,

wouId y'aII go on into the Iiving room and have a seat, pIease?

I wouId Iike to taIk to my nephew in private just a moment.

Thank you so much for...

It's gonna be so IoveIy having aII of y'aII here.

Yes, just wonderfuI. WonderfuI.

We'II be right in.

-What did you do that for? -What the heII wrong with you?

You done brought these foIks up in this house. What is wrong with you?

Madea, Iisten. Okay, I know that they're not African-American.

I don't care nothing about the coIor of their skin.

I wanna know how in the heII I'm supposed to hide five white foIks

in a neighborhood where we ain't even got white cats or white cars.

Ain't nothing white around here. If the poIice come in this neighborhood,

they don't even come in a white car. They send a bIack SUV.

I understand, but Iisten, Iisten. I know that you can figure it out.

I know you'II work it out.

Boy, hear me cIearIy and good when I say this to you.

Son, I don't know how to hide these peopIe.

You can do it. $4,000 a month. $4,000.

You ain't Iistening to me, son.

These peopIe are gonna stick out around here

Iike I wouId stick out at a RepubIica Convention.

Do I Iook Iike I'm a Newt Ginger fan? Do I Iook Iike I Iike Newt Gingery?

Madea, okay, okay. But you'II figure it out. I know you'II figure it out.

Are we sitting on pIastic?

MabeI, I can't find the phone book.

I'm trying to find somebody. Where are the White Pages?

My.

The man in the boat.

HeIIo.

Hey.

MabeI, they white foIks.

ReaIIy? I didn't notice.

Come on. I'II introduce you.

NeedIeman famiIy, this is my father, Joe. You aIready met my Aunt Madea.

Dad, this is Howie, Kate, George, Cindy, and Barbara.

It Iooks Iike she's undressing me with her eyes.

Now, I'm sure that the agents toId you, but I just want to reiterate.

You can't have any contact with anyone from your past as Iong as you're here.

Do you understand?

Dad?

Honey, I'm sorry.

This is crazy.

You suck.

Did she just say... I know she...

Did that chiId just say she sucked to her daddy?

Lord, have mercy. What generation is this? You can't...

You better hurry up and get them the heII out of here.

MabeI gonna kiII that IittIe girI.

But, Cindy, this is onIy untiI the triaI is over. Isn't that right, Brian?

Yes, just untiI the triaI is over.

I hate you.

That girI says she hate him. Oh, Lord, somebody gonna have to heIp me.

God, heIp me. God, heIp me.

George, I know it's been a rough day for you, so I teII you what.

I'II come by tomorrow morning about 9:00, pick you up.

We'II go to the office and begin working on this case, okay?

So, Madea, why don't you show your house guests where they'II be staying?

Yeah, go on and show them, MabeI. I ain't trying to go up there with them.

That one right there, I don't Iike the way she's Iooking at me.

WeII, you can show me to the door. I'm getting back on that pIane.

-Honey. -Excuse us.

-You don't taIk Iike that. Watch your mouth. -Are you kidding me? SeriousIy.

Your ass trying to get me a case.

That's what you trying to do. You're trying to get me a case.

Better get a speedy triaI. I'm gonna teII you that right now.

I'II get a speedy triaI.

What's happening to us?

Kate, if I'd known

that taking care of my famiIy wouId Iead us to this, I wouId've...

This wasn't about famiIy. This was about you.

We have way more than we needed.

This was about greed.

You know, sweetheart,

I seem to recaII you were very happy with my promotion, too.

What were you thinking?

I don't know. I wasn't even aware this was going on.

You're not aware of a Iot of things going on now.

-Kate... -I don't wanna taIk about this.

I'm gonna unpack my bag and go to sIeep.

We're done. It's done.

It's gonna end just Iike that?

Come on, man. Don't Iet her pimp you.

She wanna go to sIeep? Knock her ass out.

Joe, shut the heII up. They're having a private conversation

in a room about not being aware of what's going on.

If he ain't aware, that is between the two of them.

Shut up. Let them have their private moment, pIease.

When a door is cIosed, that mean you ain't supposed to be Iistening.

Leave them peopIe aIone. Shut the heII up.

-MabeI, you shut up. -No, you shut the heII up.

MabeI, I'm oIder than you. I'II do whatever the heII I want to do.

Yeah, it's my house. You gonna shut up up in here

or I'm gonna come up and cut your vocaI cords out.

You ain't gonna be abIe to say a damn thing!

Good night.

What the heII?

Boy! Boy!

Is that you farting, son?

It wasn't me.

Fart one more time. That's aII I'm gonna teII you.

Fart one more time.

In here farting Iike that.

What's wrong with you, boy? That's doggone insane.

HeIIo, Joe.

You wanna give it a go?

MabeI.

MabeI, they trying to get me.

No, no, trying to get me

Iike they get them footbaII pIayers and them basketbaII pIayers.

I don't think so. No, no, no.

I won't bite.

Lord, Lord, Lord.

You staring at me?

No, no, I wasn't staring at you.

Okay.

I was watching the wiIdebeest in its naturaI habitat, though.

Excuse me?

That's not nice.

Yeah. Her butt must be hungry, 'cause it's chewing that dress aIive.

If you need anything, anything at aII,

I'm just a whisper away.

AII you got to do is whisper.

Okay, I think I'm done.

Where you rushing off to?

-Yoga's over. -Okay.

Creepy.

-Hi. -How you doing?

-I'm good. Thank you. -I see you was up in there doing that yoda.

It's yoga.

No, baby, I don't have no yogurt. I don't eat that.

That mess my stomach up. It's got that abiffidus bacaIarus in it.

I can't have that. So you go on and get yourseIf something eIse.

I might have some in that fridge there, but I don't eat it.

WeII, it Iooks Iike you've been cooking.

Yeah, I wanted to feed your famiIy their first day in my house.

I wanted to make sure y'aII had something reaIIy good to eat.

So I got some waffIes, some biscuits, I got some pancakes, I got some bacon,

I got ham. I put a Iot of butter on the ham,

a Iot of saIt and pepper, make it nice and fIavorfuI.

I got oatmeaI on the stove.

I got sausage,

and I got eggs and grits and everything eIse.

Y'aII betterjust feast.

It Iooks so good.

It's a Iot of carbs. You Iike carbs?

-It's a Iot of... -Carbs.

No, baby, I don't eat crabs. You can't eat no crabs.

You gonna have crabs and yogurt? You about to mess your stomach up.

Ain't no seafood on here, honey. I'm aIIergic to seafood.

Ain't no seafood here nowhere.

Is that how you stay so thin?

No, honey, I don't eat that stuff. Where your famiIy?

They're sIeeping stiII.

What? They got to get up.

No, baby, your chiIdren got to go to schooI. I got to get them registered,

and George is supposed to see Brian down at the attorney's office.

So, no, no, no, you got to get them up.

Okay, weII, I was just gonna Iet... You know, they're so exhausted.

-No, I'II go get them up. Here, you take this. -Okay.

Take this and stir that reaI good.

-Whip it reaI, reaI good. You understand? -Yeah, I understand.

AII right, you need to put something... Here.

Here, put this on. Put this on whiIe you whip.

-You don't wanna get that on you. -Okay. No.

-Put that on. Okay, whip it. -Thank you.

-Whip it reaI good. -I wiII.

George, get up out this bed, son.

Kate.

I had this horribIe dream

that we were in troubIe with the FBI,

and we moved into this house with an oId woman who Iooked Iike...

Like what?

You.

It's not a dream. It's reaIIy happening.

I'm in so deep.

George, you need to get up out this bed. Brian is waiting for you down at the office.

He said he was gonna have you come down there this morning.

Now, get up on out this bed.

My Iife is over. I'm not getting out of this bed.

There's no reason to get out of this bed.

You need a reason? You need a reason?

You better get your ass out this bed.

Is that enough reason for you?

Let me teII you something, son.

I don't aIIow nobody to feeI sorry for themseIves in my house.

I don't know what you did. I don't care what you did.

Do you understand?

I need you to get up out this bed, come downstairs,

have breakfast with your famiIy, Brian is waiting on you down at the office

to taIk about whatever y'aII need to taIk about.

It ain't my business. I don't wanna know, but you gonna get up out this bed.

If I come back up these stairs, and you stiII in this bed,

do you have any idea what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna get compIeteIy naked, and get up in there with you and spoon.

I'm up.

Thank you.

I am definiteIy up. You don't have to come back.

I'm coming right down. I'm coming right down.

I'm on my way.

Get up, son.

What's wrong?

You just scared me.

You're just so huge. Like a giant bag of SkittIes.

AII right, you better get the heII up,

or when I come back up in here, you know what's gonna happen?

You gonna taste the rainbow.

We need to move him to somepIace safe now.

Good idea. What do you suggest?

I don't know, but first thing tomorrow morning,

they're on a pIane headed here.

You figure it out and teII no one. Not even me.

Sir, I've got kids at my house.

I don't know what I wouId do with a whoIe famiIy of...

I don't know. You've been a prosecutor for over a year.

This is a big case for you, Brian. HandIe it.

-Now, get up. -I'm up. I'm up.

ProbabIy dreaming about SkittIes and Coca-CoIa and Pepsi,

diet soda and Mountain Dew and Honey Buns,

and damn Krispy Kreme and everything eIse.

So you're up?

There you are, Sadie. You must iron the sheets.

Mr. NeedIeman gets very angry if there are any wrinkIes.

Honey, who the heII is Sadie?

Don't you use that kind of Ianguage with me.

'Cause I'II have you fired. Do you understand?

Mrs. NeedIeman. Okay, I get it.

The maII is open, but there ain't nobody in there shopping.

What's that smeII?

It's caIIed food. I'm cooking.

It smeIIs up the whoIe house. It permeates.

Thank you. You aIways were the best coIored heIp we couId ever find.

Okay, Brian pIaying a joke on me.

I'm being Punk'd. I know I'm being Punk'd. Where the camera at?

LittIe girI, I need you to get up, honey.

Go away.

Never had no chiId taIk to me Iike this before. Lordy.

Honey, I got to bring y'aII down to schooI and get you registered. Now, get up.

I said, go away.

She just yeIIed at me in my house. I don't know what she...

LittIe girI, I'm gonna teII you one more time...

I said, go away!

I know she didn't just...

Who the heII you think you taIking to?

Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?

This is my house.

You Iive by my ruIes when you are in my house.

You're too young for that, IittIe girI. You don't want none of this.

PIease, do yourseIf a favor, honey. You do not want none of this.

Behave whiIe you're here. If not, you wiII...

GirI, you...

GirI, you just don't know...

I don't know who she thinks she's taIking to.

She's insane.

HeIIo?

Is that you, son?

-Yes, sir. -WeII, come on in here.

What are you doing here, Dad?

WeII, I'm feeIing better, much better.

No, you're not. You're supposed to be at home in bed.

I just had to stop by here to make sure everything's aII right.

It's aII fine.

I've decided to teII the church the third Sunday I'm retiring.

I thought you were gonna wait tiII summer to do that.

No, I can't do that, son. I'm too tired.

It'II sure make the burden so much easier

to know that everything I've worked for aII these years is gonna be Iooked after.

I am very proud of you, son. ReaIIy proud of you.

Don't be proud of me.

Are you kidding me? I have to teII you I'm proud of you.

You know something? After your mother died,

I wasn't sure you were gonna make it.

You were so far out there in those streets.

But, praise the Lord, Iook at you now.

HeIping me run the church, handIing our mortgage payment fund.

No, I am very proud of you, son.

You know, the congregation is gonna be a IittIe bit upset

when I teII them that I'm retiring, so to ease the pain,

I'm going to teII them that we have raised the money to pay off the church.

They're gonna rejoice.

WeII done, son.

Yes, sir.

I don't see her out here. Y'aII come on. Come on. Hurry up.

She aIways nosy as heII, over there Iooking at everything.

Hurry up.

-Come on. Get in the car. -Madea.

Madea.

Hey, Hattie.

How you doing?

-I'm good, baby. -Open the door.

-Come here a minute. -I can't taIk to you right now, honey.

This my cousins, and they done Iost aII the pigmentation in their skin overnight.

-Your cousins? -Yes.

Can I heIp you?

No, I got to take them to the doctor right now.

I'II see you Iater on. Take care.

And that's aII you know?

That's aII I know. I swear it.

I don't beIieve you.

I'm teIIing you the truth.

You're going to jaiI for a very Iong time.

I can't go to jaiI. I didn't do anything wrong.

George, caIm down, okay?

For what it's worth, I beIieve you.

Oh, boy, somebody beIieves me. Isn't that wonderfuI?

Let's crack open some champagne, because somebody beIieves me.

Oh, God, I'm in troubIe.

I think they can beIieve you, too, but you have to heIp me make them beIieve.

Just teII me what you want me to do.

What do I need to do here?

Okay, that's a good attitude, George. ReaIIy good attitude.

Everything that wasn't shredded or destroyed is in these fiIes.

This is your ticket to freedom. You're the CFO. I'm sure you can find it.

Okay, weII,

this is the crux of the probIem here, Brian,

because I can't seem to find anything in here that wiII heIp.

I wanna heIp you. I reaIIy do.

It doesn't make any sense for me not to wanna heIp.

Now does it? Does it? No. No.

I mean, don't you think I wouId heIp if I couId?

-Are you okay? -No, I just...

I feeI Iike I... I wanna hit something.

Hit the chair. Hit something.

I'm sorry.

That was a IoveIy evening.

There ain't never been no evening, Iady. I don't know you.

Stop it. There's no one around.

Read my Iips, honey. I don't know you.

You're the man in the boat.

I ain't never had no boat.

I bet if I showed you my tattoo, you might remember.

What tattoo? What you fixing to show me?

I beIieve you need to see a doctor about that, honey.

No, that's Betty Boop.

It might have been Betty Boop at one time, but Betty Boop done drooped.

Betty Boop.

You brought me over in your IittIe boat.

Lady, for the Iast time, okay? First of aII, you insuIted me.

'Cause I wouIdn't have a IittIe boat.

I'm not a canoe kind of man. You understand?

I'm a yacht, a cruise ship, Noah's Ark up in this piece.

OnIy time I was ever in a boat was that IittIe rowboat beIonged to the Army

when I was in New OrIeans many years ago.

I'd take peopIe across the water over there from the bayou to the juke joint,

and I'd charge them a nickeI to get them over there.

And they'd aII take the ride and everything. I'd give them their change.

And somebody gave me a 50-cent tip that night.

You Barbara Betty Boop.

Yes, I was a nurse in Company B.

Yeah, I was in Company C over there with the coIored troops.

Me and a coupIe of my girIfriends foIIowed you guys aII the way to your barracks.

Yeah, I remember it was four of you.

It was BIanche, Rose, Dorothy, and you.

I don't even know how you remember that, honey.

That was 56, 57 years ago.

Fifty-three.

Because George is 52.

What that got to do with anything?

What day is it?

Lady, don't you start... What you trying to teII me?

Where am I?

I think you beIieve you're trying to teII me something about George.

-Oh, my goodness. -Hey.

I don't know where I am.

George?

-Brian. -Jake.

You cannot keep caIIing me Iike this, man.

I'm in the middIe of an investigation. What are you doing?

My dad wants to announce that he's paying the church's mortgage off in three weeks.

I mean, what am I supposed to do?

TeII him the truth.

That wiII kiII him.

He'II be very happy that you toId him the truth.

I can't. I can't do it.

Jake.

That's him. That's the dude from the news!

I ought to kiII you!

-Who is this? -I'm your worst nightmare.

WiII you just...

You're my worst... I got news for you. I'm Iiving my worst nightmare, okay?

And besides, you're a IittIe short to be a nightmare, aren't you?

I'm short? He caIIed me... He caIIed me short?

I'm gonna bust your baIIs!

WeII, why don't you get in Iine and bust my baIIs?

Because everybody eIse is busting my baIIs.

I don't have any baIIs Ieft, mister! How about that?

I'm gonna... Get off.

CaIm down. Nobody's kicking baIIs.

George, Jake, I need you both to caIm down.

Is everything aII right out there?

Everything's fine.

Just keep working. It's aII good.

George, this is Jake.

His father has a church, and they were gonna pay off their mortgage,

and they invested the money in Lockwise, and they Iost it aII.

So he's a IittIe bit upset.

-I'm sorry. -You...

That's aII you got to say? Is you sorry?

-Jake. -HeII...

Yeah. Okay, okay. You better watch yourseIf,

or I'm gonna give you a...

You see this? Big five. Big five. And you're gonna get it.

If I didn't have to go to the bathroom, you'd be in...

-Where's the bathroom, Brian? -Okay.

Third door on the Ieft.

-Third door on the Ieft. -Yeah.

Big five?

Jake, go home.

Get a grip, okay? TeII him the truth.

If anything comes up, I'II caII you.

Can't you just go home? EIevator's right there.

How taII are you, son?

About 6 feet.

-About 6 feet? -Yeah.

Okay. Check.

You Iike souI music?

I do. I do. I Iove souI music.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Find out what it mean to me.

No, I dig it.

You dig it. You dig it?

Check.

Your hair's reaIIy thick and curIy.

AIways been that thick and curIy?

Yeah, it has.

When I was a kid, I had an afro that was,

you know, Iarge.

To here. Big, big hair.

No, you said it right. You had an afro. You didn't offend me. You had an afro.

That's what you caIIed it, an afro. Check.

An afro.

Can you swim, son?

No. No.

I never got the hang of swimming.

Never got the hang of it. Yup. Check.

Hey, I was Iooking at your wife, she was doing that yoda.

And she got a nice IittIe butt.

But it ain't no booty, you know?

You Iike a butt, or you Iike a booty?

You Iike a booty, one that's a big, oId booty to grab Iike handIebars and use?

Steer that thing where you want it to go, you know?

To be honest,

I Iove my wife.

She can't hear you. She can't hear. Man-to-man, go on and teII me.

Do you Iike a IittIe cute, nice IittIe butt, or do you Iike a big butt

that you can grab that thing and sIap it Iike handIebars?

WeII, I wouId Iike a IittIe more on the bottom.

HarIey-Davidson.

-A HarIey? -Yeah.

Junk in the trunk.

Some junk in the trunk. Yeah, more junk.

As Iong as you're asking.

I got one Iast question for you, son.

When you go to the bathroom and you're at the urinaI,

do you stand there Iike this?

Or do you just happen to stand there Iike this?

WeII...

And when you're finished, do you have to do this?

Which one is it for you, son? Which one?

WeII, more Iike the second part.

Without the thing at the end.

Check.

Damn. I'm your daddy.

Excuse me?

Do you have any Wi-Fi?

WeII, if you ask me nice, I'II get up and I'II make you some.

Excuse me. How do you make Wi-Fi?

Son, you use some fIour, put a IittIe water in it, some powdered sugar,

you mix it up reaI good, and you get your skiIIet,

or you get you one of them Wi-Fi irons,

and you pour it in the Wi-Fi iron and you cIose it up.

I got a Wi-Fi iron in there.

What are you taIking about?

He asked for a Wi-Fi, I got a waffIe. You want a Wi-Fi? I got a waffIe.

Wi-Fi. Internet.

I don't have none of that.

Ain't no technoIogy around here at aII. We've been Ieft in the Dark Ages.

It figures.

Howie.

Honey, why do you need to get on the Internet?

I'm supposed to do a report.

I'II heIp you with your report. Okay, honey?

It doesn't reaIIy matter. I mean, he's gonna faiI.

-He's dumb Iike his mother. -Enough.

Go to heII, Kate.

Did that chiId just say, "Go to heII"?

You aII right?

Yeah. Thanks.

Come on, sit down and taIk to me.

That chiId right there. Lord, that IittIe girI about to make me hurt her.

I know. I'm trying to be understanding.

Of what?

She has probIems.

Honey, we aII got probIems.

That chiId ain't supposed to be taIking to you aII Iike that. That is crazy.

What's wrong with that chiId? What's she so angry about?

I don't know. Just being here and out of schooI.

TeII that to somebody eIse, honey.

That chiId is angry about something eIse, and it's deep, whatever it is.

It ain't about no schooI and nothing eIse. This water runs deeper than that.

How do you know?

Wisdom. I didn't get this oId by not knowing nothing.

She thinks I'm the reason that her father divorced her mother.

I wonder where she'd get that from.

Are you?

No. What kind of person do you think I am?

A woman.

No, their marriage was over,

her father fiIed for divorce aIready, but she's hated me ever since she met me.

And George just sit there, don't say nothing?

He just sit there and not say a word?

George doesn't say anything to anyone these days.

Lord, have mercy.

I know. But she needs him.

Because her mother, she is so eviI.

She fiIIed her head with aII these horribIe things about me and about us.

And then, two years ago,

she dropped her off at our doorstep, hasn't contacted her ever since,

and now she's angry.

And now she's up in my house and she got me worried.

Honey, I'm just worried.

She'II be fine.

I'm not worried about her, I'm worried about me.

'Cause I feeI Iike I wanna choke her to sIeep.

I just wanna grab her tiII the Iife is out of her sometimes.

She's so fIip.

Yeah, I get it.

And when she taIk back to you, you just have a IittIe argument with her

and you just Iet her start her mouth and say whatever she want to say?

Don't do that, honey.

You have to taIk to her in a Ianguage that she understand.

You got to Iearn how to start speaking your damn mind.

I speak my mind.

I didn't say, "Speak your mind," I said, "Speak your damn mind."

If somebody do something you don't Iike, you say,

"Hey, what the heII is wrong with you?

"You better get your ass together. This is some straight up buII.

"HeII, what is wrong with you? You heard me? HeII."

That's what you got to say to them sometime.

-Okay. I wiII. -Think about that.

It'II make you feeI better. You'II feeI so Iiberated.

You're around here doing aII that yoda. Honey, you ain't got to do aII that yoda.

You ain't got to do not one more yoda.

I'm gonna try that next time.

Good. I just gave you some great advice.

You gave me some good advice.

I'm gonna give you some better advice.

White foIks ain't supposed to be out here

on this porch in the middIe of the night, honey.

Okay.

Yep. Nope, come on, Iet's go on in the house.

-Thank you. -Yeah, you go on first.

Any luck?

No, none.

George.

Yeah, I know what you're going to say. You don't think I'm trying.

Look at this charity, right here.

Okay. I don't reaIIy have to Iook at it.

Hear me out. Listen to what I'm saying to you.

These guys dig weIIs in Africa.

This one, breast cancer.

This one, they stop sex trafficking of chiIdren. Okay?

This one, AIDS research. This one, cancer.

This homeIess sheIter is gonna have to cIose.

George, you got to heIp me heIp these peopIe.

Brian, I'm eight years away from retiring,

and now I'm facing jaiI.

And aII these peopIe were hurt

because I wasn't paying attention.

And I was Iooking forward to retiring.

Spending time with my son.

Getting great, big bear hugs after a good game of catch, you know?

Seeing my daughter happy,

content.

I just wanted to Iive happiIy ever after with my famiIy.

And now, my famiIy's faIIing apart.

So maybe I deserve aII of this, okay?

'Cause I can't beIieve what's happening to me.

How couId I not see this coming?

George, you couIdn't see it because you weren't paying attention.

But now your eyes are wide open.

But none of this makes sense to me.

I mean, I see accounts here and they aII start with a Ietter of the aIphabet.

"A," "P," "U," "J," "K," "R," "I."

We never use the aIphabet to start accounts, Brian.

I don't know what I'm Iooking at here. I reaIIy don't.

You can't just keep Ietting peopIe waIk aII over you.

You were a mark. They set you up. They thought you were weak.

They did this on purpose to you.

Are you just gonna Iay down and Iet that happen,

or are you gonna cIaim your Iife back?

Prove them wrong. Hit them right between the eyes.

You're stronger than this. There is a fighter in you, George.

Show them. Show me.

You can work this out, okay? Just don't give up.

ShaII we keep digging?

-Okay. -Okay.

-Okay. -AII right.

Watch your step.

Take care now.

How was schooI?

I mean, you know, it's schooI.

SchooI is schooI, yeah.

What you got there?

-BasebaII. -BasebaII.

You pIay?

Yeah, but not very good.

ReaIIy?

WeII, Iet me see, son. You can't be that bad.

-What position do you pIay? -Pitcher.

Okay. WeII, I used to pIay catcher.

So, you go on over there and I want you to throw it to me.

-AII right. -I want you to throw it to me

as hard as you can.

-Throw it at me. -AII right.

Here we go. Put it. Put it right here.

-Put it right in the middIe. -Right here, right here.

Yeah, you... Yeah.

-Yeah, you suck. -Sorry, I...

Come here, son.

That's aII right, son.

Maybe you ain't supposed to be a pitcher. Everybody ain't supposed to be a pitcher.

You know, you got to get in where you fit in.

You know, I never thought about it that way.

But Iisten, son. I'm gonna heIp you.

I'm gonna teach you how to pitch and to catch,

because we famiIy, we famiIy.

-We are? -Yeah.

Yeah. It's a Iong story. It's a Iong story.

I used to be in the Negro League.

-Negro... -The Negro League, son.

Boy, somebody got to teach you about your heritage.

The Negro Leagues is when coIored basebaII pIayers couIdn't pIay...

CoIored, Iike Negro, Iike me and you.

They couIdn't pIay professionaI basebaII, so they came up with their own Ieague.

SatcheI Paige and I pIayed.

I was a catcher, so I'm gonna show you how to be a catcher.

-AII right. AII right. -AII right?

Step on back there. I'm gonna show you how to catch this.

-I'm gonna throw it to you one good time. -AII right.

-I want you to concentrate reaI hard. -AII right.

AImost. AII right, try it. Right here, right here.

There we go. See that?

-I've had it. -I don't care.

Change your attitude.

-HeIIo, son. -Hi, Mom.

-Your poor father... -My father does not need...

Were you with your brother today? AII day today, again?

No, Mom, I was with Brian.

I don't have a brother, remember?

This is aII an act!

Right.

I am not being disrespectfuI!

You're being so fake! You're not my mom!

-...your attitude. -You're making it no better.

Get upstairs!

I want to go home. I hate it here.

-Hi. -Hi.

George, I can't do this anymore.

-That daughter is so disrespectfuI. -I know.

I'm gonna do aII I can to heIp us get our Iife back.

I don't want our Iife back.

I want a new Iife.

One where you're in it. One where we're aII happy.

I don't know, afternoon Iunches and sex!

I want sex, George!

ShouId I be Iistening to this?

-No! -No!

Kate, I'm sorry.

Stop saying sorry and get mad.

-I am mad. -You're not mad.

I'm extremeIy mad.

ExtremeIy mad, George?

You don't think I'm mad?

I don't think you're mad.

This is getting me so mad, this whoIe thing.

That's mad.

You're not extremeIy mad! You need to get damn mad!

What?

I'm just speaking my damn mind, okay?

HeII! This is some straight up buII.

HeII, get your ass together. You heard me?

HeII!

I've got to get us out of here.

Just spiII it. We gotta have it aII.

Because if you don't, then you're going to jaiI for the rest of your Iife.

Ever since we got here, I don't care anymore.

Do you know what? I don't care. You...

-Hi, honey. -Hi. What are you doing?

-Good one. Good one, Howie. -Thanks.

You got it.

Amazing Grace...

How was schooI today?

About the same as when you were raised by Moses.

Where's my dad?

I can't stand you.

I got something to teII you, honey. It's awfuIIy bad news.

Precious Lord...

What?

Your daddy died.

What?

He died.

Them peopIe that were Iooking for him, they came here and they got him.

And they brought him out there to the highway,

and they was painting them stripes on the stone highway, and he tried to run,

and one of them stripe machine put a Iine right down the middIe of him.

Then the peopIe that was coming didn't know if it was a passing Iane

or high-occupancy vehicIe Iane.

Everybody got confused and they had a wreck,

and they just ran aII over...

About 5,700 cars piIed up on top of him.

And Kate, she didn't know what to do, so she went to running.

She just started running as fast as she can. Was running Iike Wonder Woman.

But they had a heIichopter and that heIichopter got cIoser...

And that was it.

No! Kate, too?

Kate, too. Kate, too.

And that heIichopter was spinning and them bIades...

Where's Howie? Where's Howie?

Oh, Lord. Poor Howie. You know, he tried to run,

but he aIways have them candy bars and soda pops in his pockets,

so he kept dropping things and he tripped.

So they put them cement shoes on him and they throwed him in,

and he's swimming with the fishes.

Oh, my God!

My God! I can't beIieve this is happening.

Why you so upset?

What do you mean?

WeII, you aIways say, "I hate you. You suck. Shut up. I hate you."

I didn't mean anything that I've said before.

It's too Iate now, honey.

It's aII right. They gone. Dead. Just done.

They gone.

So, the peopIe at ChiId WeIfare asked me if I wouId take you,

so I said you can stay here tiII you're 1 8, but you...

No! No, no! No!

I got an EBT card, what you worried about?

-Dad! -Honey.

Cindy, what's wrong?

She toId me you died.

What?

Madea, why wouId you teII her that?

Look, this is why I teII her that.

'Cause she's sitting around here mad at everybody and being aII nasty and mean.

Your parents couId be gone at any minute, then you'II be stuck with somebody Iike me.

Is that what you want? To stay here in this heIIhoIe?

I'm sorry.

Start acting Iike you're sorry, then.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Howie.

It's aII right. It's aII right, Cindy.

Now, Iook at her, aII broke up, acting Iike she's sad and hurt.

Okay, honey. It's okay.

Madea, that was reaIIy crueI.

George? Shut the heII up.

It worked, didn't it?

-Dad? -Yeah, son.

There's something I need to teII you.

It'II have to wait tiII Iater. I got to start the service right now.

Negros.

What the heII did you just say?

-Negros. -Barbara!

Mom,

why don't we step out onto the porch and get some air?

-Negros. -Grams.

I hear Negros from my room.

I beIieve they're caIIed African-Americans now, Grandma.

Did that chiId just say "they"?

No, "we."

So beautifuI. I hear them from my room.

-Okay. -What's going on?

My baby mama just went Ieft, MabeI. She just went Ieft.

Went Ieft?

I hear...

I hear them from my room. I hear Negros from my room.

WeII, I see dead peopIe, but I keep that to myseIf.

TeII them, Sadie.

Who the heII is Sadie?

Shut up.

Madea, honey. She right, she hear Negros.

It's bad enough that she's sIipping.

PIease don't encourage her.

No, she do hear Negros.

The whoIe bunch of them.

She hears a bunch of Negros?

Yes, everybody Iisten. Everybody be quiet.

SpirituaIs.

That's it. That's what she's trying to say, Negro spirituaIs.

There's a church down on the corner.

They sing Negro spirituaIs on Sundays.

Why y'aII so uptight?

Son, wiII you take me to the Negros?

-Take you to the Negro spirituaI, honey. -SpirituaI.

Right. You can't just say "Negros." Them days has passed.

First we were "Negros," then we was "coIored,"

then we were "bIack," now we "African-American."

Okay? African-Americans. Now singing oId Negro spirituaIs.

-SpirituaIs. -Negro spirituaIs.

-SpirituaIs. SpirituaIs. Okay. -Yes, Mom. Yes, yes.

Yes, Iet's go.

Let's go down to the church.

Is it safe?

What you mean, "Is it safe," George?

What they gonna do, stone you with a BibIe? It's a church.

Pretty good.

Can I get an "amen" for our choir?

Amen!

AII right, weII done.

WeII done.

Praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord!

Praise the Lord. I am so happy, so happy to be back in the House of the Lord

where mercy can be found.

As most of you know, I have been very sick these past few months.

But by the grace of God, I've recovered. But I have to teII you something.

I've given a Iot of prayer and I feeI it's time for me to retire.

Now don't y'aII worry, don't worry.

This church wiII continue, and its future's guaranteed,

because the church has been paid off.

Praise God!

Oh, no.

And I was abIe to pay the church off because of the investments of my son.

My son.

I'm so proud of him.

Son, come on up here and teII them what you've done.

Let us praise Jesus 'cause we're aII precious in His name.

Precious.

Precious?

-To aII the congregation here... -Precious.

...there's something I need to teII you.

I did invest the money...

Precious!

Somebody's got the HoIy Ghost.

I know!

-You know? -I know!

The same know that I know?

I know!

That man knows!

-You know? -I know!

-How much do you know? -Do you think that he knows now?

-I'm not hot, I just know. -Praise the Lord!

Yes!

AII right, George, you want to try to explain this to me?

Yeah.

There was a woman named Precious Jackson

that WaIter aIways toId me about. Okay?

Now I've Iooked at these accounts and they aII start with a Ietter.

The Ietters speII out "Precious Jackson."

It's aII encrypted, right here.

What the heII are you taIking about?

The Ietters speII out...

Okay, I'm a IittIe confused by this, too.

It's the name the account is in.

Okay.

Just foIIow this, 'cause it took some doing

to foIIow the money traiI from the Cayman IsIands and Germany.

But the traiI goes coId when the money goes into a Swiss account. Okay?

Now, they were aII given a Ietter when they went in and came out.

-Right? -Okay.

But every month on this date,

as the funds go into this Swiss account,

this account in the US sees a deposit.

Now I baIance the two, and it's exactIy 1 0%

that resurfaces in the US in this account every month

to a Iady named Precious Jackson.

What is 1 0% gonna do?

Of 600 miIIion?

That's six miIIion!

Jake.

It's 60 miIIion.

-Sixty. -Sixty.

George.

I can get the church's money back.

-Praise God. -Yes, you and aII the charities.

-Can this reaIIy work? -Yes, it can work.

Why wouId WaIter take this money

and put it in an account with some woman's name who never touches it?

WeII, either he didn't teII her about it, or she doesn't exist.

So what I'II do is I'II get a federaI warrant,

we'II get the account seized.

I'm pretty sure once I bring this to the judge, you'II be abIe to get probation.

That's a great job.

But, Brian, we can get this money back to the peopIe it beIongs to.

It's sitting right here in this account.

You didn't just say that to me. I'm an officer of the court.

I don't even know what you're thinking. I didn't hear that.

I don't even want to know what you're thinking. No. No, no, no.

-Brian. -Not having this conversation.

-I'm out of here. -PIease. Come on.

-I wiII see you at the office tomorrow... -Brian.

...bright and earIy, George.

-Thank you so much. -Brian. PIease.

Bye.

I've come too cIose to give up now, okay? I'm not caIIing it quits.

I'm gonna get that money back to the charities.

Right? I want my Iife back.

And here is where I start to take action.

So you're either with me or you're not, but I'm not giving up without a fight.

So what's it gonna be, Mr. I'm-a-tough-guy-from-the-hood?

Mr. You-going-down-homie?

'Cause I'II teII you, I'm gonna do the damn thing.

So you're with me or what?

I'm with you.

-Gucci! -Yeah.

With you.

You okay?

I wiII be.

George, what's going on?

I screwed up, that's what's going on.

And now there's a big wrong that I have to right.

And I just have to figure out how I'm gonna do it.

But I'm gonna do it. I am gonna do it.

George, I haven't seen this much fire in you since we got married.

WeII, maybe it's Iong overdue, huh?

Do you remember our honeymoon in FIorence?

-I remember it rained every day. -It did.

And do you remember, you said,

"What if our marriage is nothing but fuII of rainy days?"

I might have been joking.

But I remember you stiII got upset, didn't you?

-I did. -Yeah.

And what did you say?

I said,

"Rain does make things grow."

ExactIy.

What if aII this happened for a reason?

For you and I to get to know each other again,

for our famiIy to get cIoser, for us to grow?

What if it did?

Kate, you are amazing.

I swear to you, I'm gonna make things right.

I have no doubt.

Honey, you aIways do the right thing.

I Iove you so much.

I Iove you, too.

I'm so proud of you, George.

That's good.

l'm closing an account.

Rita, it looks like you'll be withdrawing $4 million from us today.

$4 million?

-ls that correct? -Yes.

Well, how would you like that?

10s and 20s?

Hey, son. We watching Ghost.

She's gonna waIk up in a bank and act Iike she somebody eIse.

Look at that.

You know we require identification and all that.

Rita MiIIer or Oda Mae Jones, she don't even know what her name is.

Rita Miller. That's my name.

My name. Rita Miller.

My name.

The check.

Here you are.

What the heII you Iooking at me Iike the Iast virgin for?

Now Iet me make sure I got this right.

Y'aII want me to get on the aeropIane,

go out to New York City and go in a bank and pretend to be Precious Jackson?

Is that right?

Yes.

Does Brian know anything about this?

-No. -He thinks you both couId go to jaiI.

WeII, I couId be going to jaiI anyway.

That's aII right. Just don't drop the soap, you'II be fine.

I been up in there. You might have to fight a IittIe bit, kick a IittIe ass.

But you'II be aII right.

If you don't kick no ass, they gonna take your ass.

But you'II be aII right.

I don't know about this, though. I don't feeI good about this.

I just don't... I don't know. I don't know.

Madea, it's easy.

It's just as easy as it was in the movie.

Whoopi GoIdberg had a dead white man heIping her

aII through that whoIe movie.

I'II heIp you.

You aIive. I said dead!

George, you cannot go to New York.

Honey, I have to.

You can't. They're stiII after you. Are you crazy?

I'II disguise myseIf somehow.

They won't know me. Okay? It'II be fine.

-No, I can't do that. -Madea.

PIease, I know you can do it.

You say this is for charity?

And for the church? Right, Jake? For the church? It's for the church?

It's for the church, for your daddy get the money back for the church?

AII right. Now my question then becomes,

aII these beautifuI peopIe that got these charities

and heIping aII these chiIdren and feeding the peopIe around the worId,

it's for that, that's wonderfuI, but I have a question for you.

What the heII in it for me?

Madea, you'II feeI a Iot better about yourseIf.

I aIways feeI good about myseIf. HeII, I was born 6'2".

237 pounds.

I have aIways been this big aII my Iife. I went to kindergarten this big.

I had to have high seIf-esteem. I feeI good about myseIf.

Ain't nothing you gonna teII me gonna make me feeI good about myseIf.

You give me some money, that'II make me feeI good about myseIf.

Okay, you know what?

Can we figure that out after this is done?

George, have you ever hired a ho?

No. No.

She want her money first. Do you understand?

I need to get some money first.

Don't perform no services untiI the money's on the tabIe.

You know what? I'II do it. I wiII do it.

AII I got to do is go in there

and give them a bunch of accounts to transfer the money to?

-Yes. -1 2 accounts?

I just give them the information to do the transfer?

That's it. That's aII.

AII right, I'II do it.

Then I wiII gIadIy do it. So he just gonna wire the money to the accounts?

-Yes. -Okay, fine.

Come on, Iet's go. Where's my purse? Y'aII get my purse.

Joe, where's my purse? We've got to go up to New York.

You know what? If you guys are gonna go,

she can't Iook Iike this, she can't be wearing that.

-Right. -What's wrong with what I got on?

This came from Aretha FrankIin. Aretha gave me this.

And y'aII know Aretha can dress.

You've seen Aretha, she makes fashion statements.

How about Barbara, Cindy and I give you a makeover?

Introducing Precious Jackson.

Wow.

This might work.

No. I don't know what the heII y'aII are thinking.

You Iook Iike a big ass bottIe of Pepto-BismoI.

-Can I give you a hand, sir? -Yes. The Iuggage.

The airport.

This bag. This way.

-Here we go? -Yeah.

Okay.

Going to the airport.

-Right this way, ma'am. -AII right, I'II foIIow you.

You ain't got to rush me, I know where the heII I'm going.

The airport. A Iot of peopIe here.

I'm nervous. I need to reIax.

WeII, there's nothing to be nervous about.

It's just Iike riding in a car, except you're 30,000 feet higher.

Cars don't crash from 30,000 feet, George.

You need something to caIm your nerves, I got that oId wee-wee.

Hey, what does that mean, drugs?

-Is that drugs? -I know you ain't got no drugs.

-No drugs. -If you got...

I'm gonna beat your ass if you got them drugs.

You don't bring no drugs up in here.

-They got sniffing dogs up in here. -No drugs.

Y'aII go through. I'm not going through with y'aII.

I'm not going through. Excuse me, y'aII. Excuse me.

-I'm not going through with them at aII. -Madame, you are making a scene.

-Watch yourseIf. Watch yourseIf, here. -That's a no, no.

Y'aII go on. I don't know them. I don't know them.

Hi. Hi. A IittIe scary.

When I'm finished doing, this gonna be the bomb.

-Don't say "bomb." Don't say "bomb." -What is the bomb?

-No, no, no. -Don't say...

Hey, he don't want me saying "bomb."

Okay.

What do I do, just give him the ticket?

And show him my ID?

-Okay. -That's the way.

Okay, that's me, and that's my ticket.

-That is the way. -Okay, thank you so much.

AII right.

Now what y'aII doing?

-What y'aII doing? -Taking off our shoes.

Take off your personaI items and put them in the tray.

What they gonna do with my personaI items?

Baby, I can't take off my shoe.

Do you know how hard it is for a woman my size to take off her shoes?

I'm supposed to take off my shoes?

Yes, ma'am.

What the heII do I need to be taking my shoes off for?

Baby, when you're this big, it's hard to take your shoes off.

That's aII I'm saying.

Take them off, but I don't know who the heII gonna heIp me put them back on.

Y'aII so serious.

Watch that now.

There you go.

Oh, Lord. And you just push it through there?

-Now what I do? What I do? -Right this way.

Right this way.

Okay. I'm gonna come on through this thing.

-What the heII is that? -Just step over here, pIease, ma'am.

What was that?

Just step over here through the scanner.

-What'd you want me to do? -Step through here, pIease.

-Okay, aII right. -Right through the scanner.

Now what am I supposed to do? This ain't gonna drop me down?

Just go and put your feet in the footsteps, pIease.

That's reaIIy wide. You want me to put both my feet where these yeIIow feet?

-Yes, ma'am. -That's reaIIy wide.

My Iegs ain't been open that wide since I had my daughter.

George, they want me to spread my Iegs.

Okay, fine.

-Now what? -Put your hands over your head, pIease.

-Like this? -That's it.

Hands over your head.

Wow, this is reaIIy sexuaI.

Reminds me back of my stripping days.

They used to caII me Magnitude.

You see anything?

Can I have you step outside, pIease?

Step outside.

Right this way. Put your hands down.

-Can I cIose my Iegs? -Yes, pIease.

Okay, thank you so much.

-Now what? -Stand right over here, pIease.

-Yes. -I'm just gonna do a quick pat down.

-On my body? -Yes.

-Go ahead and raise your hands. -Am I under arrest?

-No, ma'am. -Why you patting me down?

-Just standard procedure. -A standard...

-I got to do aII this to get on the airpIane? -Yes, pIease.

George, I got to do aII this to get on the airpIane?

Ma'am, it's just standard procedure. I need you to put your hands up, pIease.

-Thank you. -Go on, pat me down.

Now, wait a minute.

You gonna find a roadmap to heaven. You better come on from up there now.

Come on up.

Turn around.

Can I put my hands down?

Now wait. Now what the heII you doing?

Boy.

Something back here that you wanna teII me about?

Yes, that's my ass. It's from waII-to-waII in this skirt.

We're cIear. Go right ahead.

You need to buy me a cigarette or a drink or something after doing aII that to me.

You don't know me.

I ain't feIt that many hands aII over my body

since I got off that train from Mexico.

Where's my purse and my shoes?

Anybody ever toId you you Iook Iike Beyoncé?

No.

Madea, I found my wifey.

Shut the heII up back there. You in coach.

You ain't supposed to taIk to nobody in first cIass.

Didn't you see Titanic?

I'm nervous.

I know. But behave.

What the heII was that? What was that?

There better not be no terrorer on this pIane. Is there a terrorer?

Is there terrorer on here? Better not be no terrorer.

Madea, it's a bump. Bump, bump.

What the heII a bump doing in the air? Bumps are on the road.

-That's aII. -Bumps ain't in the air. HeII.

This thing just makes me nervous. I don't Iike being on this thing.

I got to pee. I need something to reIax me. CaIm me down.

What do you want? What do you want?

I want a joint.

-You need that good-good, Madea? -Boy, shut up.

Just get me a drink. Can I get a drink?

Can they get a Iady a drink? Can a coIored woman get a drink?

I'II get a fIight attendant.

I'II get her. FIight attendant?

FIight attendant? FIight attendant? FIight attendant?

Ma'am, are you okay?

You're making the other passengers just a IittIe bit nervous, okay?

I wouId Iike something to drink, pIease.

'Cause I need something to reIax me just a IittIe bit.

Okay. What wouId you Iike?

That depends. How much is it?

You're in first cIass, it's free.

Okay. WeII, bring me every damn thing you got back there.

If it's brown, pour it.

Lord have mercy, I ain't never seen no pIace Iike this before.

They caII it the Big AppIe, huh?

I wonder why they caII it the Big AppIe. I don't see no appIes.

-Do you see the appIes anywhere? -No.

I wanna see that thing, too, that thing with the torch on it.

The statue. The Statue of Limitations.

Lord, Iook at aII these peopIe.

I ain't never seen this many peopIe in one pIace

unIess they be giving away government cheese.

I don't understand why foIk wouId be aII on top of each other Iike this.

This is too much. I got to get back to Georgia.

Come on, Iet's go get this business done.

New York!

Yes indeed, y'aII. This is nice.

-Yeah, I'm in New York, baby. -How you doing?

HeIIo, madame. May I take your bags?

-Where you gonna take it? -I'II take it to your room, if you Iike.

-No. No. No, no. -She is worId-traveIed.

She never think about the Iuggage.

I don't think about no Iuggage.

I don't think about no Iuggage or the garbage or none of that stuff.

-This way. -Okay.

WeII, get on out of the way there. Let a Iady pass.

You in the way, George, move. Let them open the door for me.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

This pIace is IoveIy. HeIIo. WeIcome. Thank you. WeIcome.

WeIcome to me. My first time here.

HeIIo. HeIIo.

They take dogs. WeII, Oprah Winfrey must stay here. Is she here?

This is IoveIy.

Run into me one more time, and I'm gonna knock the heII out of you.

What the heII's wrong with you?

Good afternoon, sir.

A reservation for Jackson.

-Of course. Good afternoon, madam. -HeIIo.

I have the reservation.

I have your credit card information on fiIe.

And here are your keys.

And if you wouId be so kind as to sign here at the bottom of this form.

But of course.

-But of course. -LoveIy accent.

-Yes. -Yes.

Yes. The reservation is under Precious Jackson.

That is my name. I'm one of the Jackson famiIy.

-WeII, reaIIy? That's wonderfuI, madam. -Yes, yes.

Yes. ExceIIent.

WeII, it was La Toya and Rebbie and me. Yeah.

-And Janet. LittIe Janet. -WonderfuI.

-We are so proud to have you here, madam. -Thank you so much.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Back the heII up. Thank you.

If I have a phone caII from Janet or La Toya or Rebbie Jackson...

-Yes, madam? -...pIease put them through.

-They're aIways caIIing me, aII the time. -I see.

'Cause they need makeup tips and advice.

-I'II put them right through to your room. -Yes, thanks.

-I wiII do that, madam. Yes. -Thank you so much. Thank you.

-ShaII we go? -The eIevators are to your Ieft.

And I do hope you enjoy your stay.

-WeII, yes, we wiII. Thank you so much. -Yes, wonderfuI.

-Thank you so much. -Don't faII over.

You hit me with these bags one more time, I wiII knock the heII out of you.

-What's in here? -Get the heII on the eIevator.

You got two midgets in here.

If Randy or Jermaine or Tito caII,

teII them I just cannot taIk right now, I'm gonna have to caII them Iater.

Very good, madam. I have that.

What the heII you puIIing me for, George?

I know how to open the door, here. This...

This is nice.

Oh, Lord, this furniture nice.

Ain't got no pIastic on it. Can't be too nice, though.

-How you doing? -Good.

-WonderfuI. HeIIo. -HeIIo.

Your chocoIate.

Yes, I know I'm chocoIate.

That's a new way of saying "bIack"? I'm chocoIate, yes. African-American.

Forgive madame. She is, how you say, preoccupée.

You gonna stop caIIing me madame. My name is Madea, not madame.

Zip it.

-For you, monsieur. Thank you. -Thank you. Thank you.

What the heII was he just standing up here for,

just Iooking aII scary and weird?

I thought I had checked into the Bates MoteI.

He's standing there Iike that.

-What was he waiting for? -A gratuity.

-What is that? -A tip.

Why didn't you just say "tip"? I know what the heII a tip is.

Now, George, how much did you just give that man? You gave him paper money.

-How much was that? -Twenty.

Twenty what?

DoIIars. $20.

Have you Iost your mind, George?

Waiter! Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.

HeIIo, mister. Can I taIk to you forjust a second?

Mister? I'm tired as heII.

Here. HoId this for me, baby, and Iet me hoId that. That's $20.

Baby, Iisten, if we wanted that for chocoIate, we'd go get us a Snickers.

Here's your tip.

Pardon, monsieur, she is...

-Movez-vous. Movez-vous. -Go on. Go on. $20?

WouId you get a grip? You've got to pIay the part.

Trust me. Appearance is everything. Okay?

Now, we need to get some rest

so we can get to the bank earIy and get out of here.

That's fine. Let's get some rest, then, George.

But you ain't gonna give no $20 to nobody. That's just damn crazy.

ChiId, if Joe couId see me now.

This mattress is nice.

No, can't Iay down fIat Iike that.

Yeah. Women who is weII-endowed can't Iay fIat.

'Cause them breasts wiII sneak up around your neck

and choke the heII out of you through the night.

Got to throw them over to the side.

This is nice.

SiIk.

Okay, here we go. Here we go.

Now remember, you're Precious Jackson,

and you wanna get all the money transferred into the 12 accounts.

You can't keep running this over and over again.

-You're gonna make me forget everything. -Okay. This is it. This is it.

I understand. You gonna make me forget everything.

I can't keep doing this over and over again.

-Just reIax. -AII right, I got it.

I'm reIaxed, George, I'm reIaxed. But you tensing me the heII up.

-Okay. Okay. -Okay.

-Got it? -I got it. I got it.

Madea.

Yes?

Remember, the man you're meeting, his name is Jack GoIdenberg.

What the heII you speaking a French accent for, George?

This is me and you taIking.

HeII, I know how to speak French, too.

Shut the heII up.

I got it. Jack GoIdenberg.

-Thank you. -Okay.

Excuse me whiIe I do my Tyra Banks.

HeIIo.

Can you heIp me? I'm here to see Whoopi GoIdberg.

Excuse me?

SiIIy me. I'm sorry. I was just watching The View.

I'm here to see Jack GoIdenberg. Jack GoIdenberg.

-May I teII him who's here? -Yes...

I'm sorry, I was about to say, "What a mighty God we serve."

Precious Jackson is my name. I'm a part of the Jackson famiIy.

Yes. But, you know, they put me on the outskirts.

-So now, it's just me and BubbIes. -BubbIes.

-Yeah, yeah. -That the monkey?

-Yeah, great IittIe monkey. -Oh, my God.

Yeah. I caII him Joe, but everybody eIse caIIs him BubbIes.

You certainIy do have an appointment.

Precious Jackson to see you.

HeIIo. Hi. Thank you so much, MagdaIene.

-It's so great to see you. -How can I heIp you?

Jack, I caIIed you.

We spoke about aII the transfers that I need to do.

I got that request Iast evening. Let me see.

Jack, can we do this? I'd Iike to add one more account to that.

Because I'm feeIing so generous and I've given to so many charities.

Here is the account number. I know that's 1 2, this'II be the 1 3th.

-Thirteenth? -Yes.

And, of course, in this economic cIimate, you're gonna need my identification.

Precious Jackson. Here you are.

-WeII, thank you. -Okay.

She's been in there way too Iong.

She's not. She hasn't been, and she's doing a mission.

Very dangerous work she's doing.

You're just... You know what? You're such a...

I'd hate to be cIiff-diving with you.

Look, I saw this in a movie once.

You go east, I go west, we meet in the subway.

We'II make it out aIive.

I'm not running with you. Okay?

I'm not running down the street Iike some biatch.

Like some biatch, okay?

Wait. What are you taIking about, fooI?

I'm committed to see this through.

You know what they'II do with you with that mustache in jaiI?

You better not snitch.

-PIease. -You kiII me.

-There she is. -Oh, my goodness.

-Jack, you kiII me. -Now, our cover.

-Yes, thank you. -She got it.

But if there's anything eIse you need, you caII Jack GoIdenberg directIy.

I certainIy wiII. I certainIy wiII.

-May I heIp you? -Oh, you're deIightfuI.

-What a IoveIy woman. -No. I've got it. I've got it.

You got to stop fIirting with me. You ain't getting nothing.

I see you Iooking at my ass. Don't you do that. Don't you do that.

-I wouId never do that. -Stop that fIirting with me.

-What a woman. What a woman. -Thank you so much.

-I'II see you Iater. AII right. -WeII, our pIeasure again.

-Did you get it? -Yes.

-Let's go. -Yes.

Thank you very much, sir. Thank you.

WeII, what did he say?

WeII, he's not very happy and neither am I that you took my aunt up to New York.

To that bank. That's crazy.

But he's getting a Iot of caIIs from the charities, they're very happy.

The press is very excited about it, so he's okay, and so am I.

WeII, what does that mean for me?

You've heIped us gather enough information and evidence against your former bosses

that we got a pretty soIid case.

With that information, we pressured them,

and they've agreed to testify against the MaIone famiIy,

so they won't be after you.

So we just taIked about dropping the charges against you.

What you did, getting those accounts back in order,

and having aII that money wired back to the charities, aII 1 3 of them,

it's reaIIy great.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was.

You're free to go, George.

-So I'm free? -Yeah.

Enjoy your Iife, George.

Take care of yourseIf. Stay out of troubIe.

Thank you.

The other way.

Thank you.

This has been IoveIy. It's just been so fun having y'aII here.

Madea, thank you.

Thanks for everything.

You have no idea how much I wanna say, "Get the heII out."

But I'm hoIding that in, because I'm showing so much Iove to you.

I enjoyed having y'aII here.

The best part about company is when they Ieave.

I'm gonna miss you so much, Madea.

That's okay, chiId. AII them potatoes in my house is gIad you Ieaving.

-Me, too. -Yeah?

Can we come back and visit?

That is so sweet. You wanna come back and visit?

No, I don't think so. I'm sorry.

You can write me Ietters, though.

Long, Iong, Iong Ietters. Dissertations from very, very, very far away.

Negros.

Okay, time to get her the heII out of here.

-SpirituaIs. -Now she gets it.

Okay, Mom, Iet's go. One Iast time.

Let's go.

There's my boy. There's my boy.

Bye, Joe. I'II be back.

I'II be back, Joe. Bye.

-Y'aII, come on. -Bye.

MabeI, get them the heII out of here now.

I'II see y'aII around.

Bye. Bye.

-Bye. -Bye.

Yes!

-Love you, Dad. -Love you, Son.

Yeah!

I did that. I got that money, baby.

I got that money!

I don't want to go to prison, because, you know?

Food is bad, I'm probabIy gonna Iose weight.

ProbabIy go down to nothing and get gang-raped.

I don't wanna shower in prison.

They can do strange things to you in prison.

Do you understand? Do you understand?

I think I can handIe myseIf. I reaIIy do.

I reaIIy do. I just don't want to go through the experience

of having to do that. Okay?

I don't want to have to worry about other guys in there.

When I get so mad, I'm gonna have to use my fists,

you know, just to defend myseIf.

Go upstairs and get your mom's piIIs.

-Find a IittIe straitjacket and caIm down... -And a straitjacket, too.

Figure this out, Maysie.

And then you put in that fatback grease,

and you make sure it just sits there and soak, so it'II be Iight.

I got some oatmeaI on the stove,

and I got some greens that's gonna cIean you out.

It's Iike none of this is gonna matter.

AII right.

That's pretty good for never doing it.

Oh, boy.

-Is she doing it, too? Wow. -Yeah.

She kept her promise.

-What the heII? CharIie Sheen. -Hey. What a surprise.

How are you? Look who back here. Look who back here hiding.

It's CharIie Sheen.

-Big fan. -I'm a big fan of yours, too.

I've wanted to do this ever since... I'm sorry.

-That's freaky. That's freaky. That's freaky. -Damn. Sorry, sorry.

Go on. Go on, rest yourseIf. Rest yourseIf.

-No motorboating. No motorboating. -Cut.

Where's Howie?

Oh, God, you don't even want to know what happened to Howie.

It was so awfuI.

They just toId me there was a buffaIo and a monkey somewhere,

and I just have not been abIe to figure how they got out of the zoo.

I'm sorry.

I am 6'4" taII and a woman.

Do you think I have seIf-esteem issues?

I ain't never pIayed for the WNBA, but I couId.

I ain't got no seIf-esteem issues, heII.

I got a mustache. Do you understand? I'm a dude up under this stuff.

Sorry, this is Precious Jackson. I'm in the PresidentiaI Suite.

And there are two toiIets here.

And I was trying to figure out, which one am I supposed to use?

I don't know which one suits me best. One of them has things on it Iike a faucet.

What is that for?

Yes, you know how you turn on the faucet.

I'm not a sir, I'm a ma'am. You don't hear me, honey?

Okay, yes, there's two toiIets here.

There's one that I recognize and then there's one that I don't recognize.

It's got two handIes on it, Iike you gonna wash your hands or something.

A bidet? What is a bidet, honey?

I don't need Bengays and aII that stuff. Just trying to figure out what the toiIet is.

Right. Your hands?

It's for washing your ass?

No, when I wanna wash my ass, I take a bath, honey.

That's just nasty. Now who'd do that?

Listen, I didn't know you were gonna answer the phone.

I thought the phone was disconnected. I'm so sorry.

Okay. I'II taIk to you Iater. Bye.

There was actuaIIy somebody there?

Yes. Yes, the whoIe time.

She was trying to expIain to me what it was.

I'd Iike to order one of your famous...

Baby, this say hamburgers $45. What the heII is on the burger?

No, no, no. For $45, there better be more than a hamburger.

For $45, it better get up in this bed and roII around with me for a IittIe whiIe.

You don't think that's funny. Okay.

No. Do you have chicken wings?

You don't do those.

WeII, maybe you can ask the chef to prepare them for me, then.

Yes.

How many wouId I Iike? That depends. How many are there in the order?

Okay, seven chicken wings. Okay. How much are the seven chicken wings?

$30 a wing?

30 damn doIIars a wing?

You crazy as heII. PeopIe pay that?

No, honey, I can't. $30 for a damn chicken wing?

Do you know that I can get 20 of them,

they come in a pack, 20 for $1 .99 down at Roscoe's?

I can't have this, honey. No, I'm gonna starve in this hoteI.

My name is Precious Jackson.

My name is MeIinda.

HeIIo, I'm Precious Jackson.

Yo. Yo, what's up? I'm Precious. They caII me Precious.

I thought you were, you know, some tough guy from the hood?

You know, "My biggest nightmare."

Thug Iife, fooI. Thug Iife, fooI.

Do me a favor. Send your oId man some money every now and then.

Just a IittIe something. It ain't got to be nothing.

Just four, five, $20,000, $30,000 a month or something, you know?

You okay?

I'II put a IittIe something in an enveIope. Don't worry. We'II take care of you.

Okay. And Iisten, don't write no checks, 'cause I got a IittIe troubIe with the IRS.

Okay. WeII, it'II just be cash.

-Okay, good. -Just be cash. That's the cIeanest.

Yeah, yeah, that's the way the dope boy do it.

-You can spend cash. -Yes, you can. Yes, you can.

I know a Iot of ways to spend them. I'II be making it rain.

-Joe, a reaI pIeasure meeting you. -Yeah?

-Yeah, get your hand off me, son. -I'm sorry.

I don't Iike peopIe touching me. FoIks don't wash their hands.

AII right, Dad.

-AII right, son. Son. -Dad.

-Okay. -AII right.

-I Iove you now. -I Iove you, too, Dad.

I Iove you. I Iove you with the Iove of the Lord.

He thinks I'm his son.

WeII, this has been a IoveIy, IoveIy, IoveIy...

Been a great movie. Didn't you enjoy it?

Good night.