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What a bore!

Good evening.

In brief, these are the topics of today's tv news.

Brilliant solution for the Michelangelo and Raffaello.

Anguishing questions on the kidnapping of the century.

Interview to the Minister of Private Partnerships

on the accusations against him.

Important conclusions of the Parliamentary commissions' works.

After the failed attempts in transforming

the Michelangelo and Raffaello, the pride of our Mercantile Navy,

into floating gambling boats, clinics or hotels,

the minister involved has decided to transform them into ships.

A German tourist who was bathing in the Tyrrhenian sea...

Yes?

Yes, but I don't inhale it.

Alright.

Excuse me.

Who was bathing in the Tyrrhenian sea, is miraculously still alive.

The Vatican has not pronounced itself on the authenticity of the miracle.

The commission for abolition of useless institutions

has managed to bring the number of institutions from 54,000...

to 95,000?

From 54,000 to 95,000.

Among the new institutions, is the AISPEE

Assistance Institute for Survivors of the Pompei and Ercolano Eruption.

The IRIT is the Institute for Releasing Innocent Thoughts.

An agency flash.

Once again an episode...

Once again an episode of youth violence.

The police was obliged to use tear gas

to restore order in a Roman school,

occupied by a group of extremists.

Thanks to the intervention of our officers,

the incidents did not cause any victims.

They say there is also a picture. Let's look at it.

It isn't arriving.

Please, have the picture appear.

Alright, it's coming.

Do you have the photo of the extremists?

Yes, the left wing ones. Then send it!

Alright, it's coming.

Here is the Roman school occupied by the extremists.

So, we left off... Oh, yes!

Now we'll come to the sensational kidnapping

that caused so much disdain

considering how well known the kidnapped victim is,

and the just as exceptional amount asked for the ransom.

25 billion.

A record amount in the sad statistics of kidnappings.

Unfortunately, nothing yet has...

Just a moment.

An anonymous phone call informed

that in a phone booth in Piazza Indipendenza

a message was left, a filmed message.

In fact, we have here an 8 mm film reel.

Miss, give it to the projection booth.

Right away.

- Must be a film by the kidnappers. - I gave it to them.

Thank you.

Attorney's appeal. Take one.

I want to reassure everyone that I am in good health

with totally functioning mental capacities.

Therefore, in complete agreement with my kidnappers

for payment of the ransom requested

for me to again be free,

I turn to those people

who I consider my real, authentic family... my workers.

Workers of Mirafiori, Lingotto, Rivalta,

Grandi Motori, Ferriere. all of you workers

will pay for my ransom.

Each of my workers will give up three days of pay.

I did all my calculations. About 30,000 for 500,000 workers

makes 15 billion, plus a single quota

of 5,000 Liras each which makes two and a half billion.

Seven billion 500 million are missing

of which three will be integrated by layoff,

and the rest of the amount with family checks

because my workers and I are the loveliest Italian family of all.

Thank you my dear friends. I embrace you tightly.

In concluding, we transmit an interview I recorded

for the exterior coverages of TG3.

- You did it? May I? - Yes, please.

We are in Piazza Montecitorio waiting for a person

who in the past days has been object of controversy and questions.

Here he is.

Minister, allow me to ask you a few questions on behalf of TG3.

Alright, but hurry.

You know what you have been accused of

regarding the funds taken from the orphans' cafeteria? 200 billion.

- Of course I know. - While waiting for the truth,

maybe you should resign.

Resign? Never! It would be wrong.

Resigning would mean admitting that the accusations are right.

If I resign, I won't be able to fight from a privileged position.

In my position I can control the investigation, evidence,

corrupt witnesses. I can detour the course of justice.

- Isn't it against the law? - No, I respect the law.

Above all, the law of the strongest. And since I am the strongest now,

I intend to take advantage of it. It is my duty.

- Your duty towards who? - The people who voted for me

to obtain jobs, licenses, permits and contracts,

assistance in tax evasion,

in administration of dirty money, of poorly built dams collapsing,

scandals, currency contraband. - What are you saying?

The voters see an overbearing person in me.

If they wanted an honest and upright man, they wouldn't have voted for me.

- Goodbye, boy. - But...

What a son of a bitch!

What is it? Hadn't we finished?

What should I say? That we've finished?

Alright.

Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to the end of our first tv news program.

See you during our next edition.

We will now broadcast the English lesson

with the program, "A Language For Everyone".

Let's recapitulate lesson number 4.

And now, lesson number 5.

I see the room that you rent.

This is the spacious bathroom.

This is the balcony.

Yes, it's very peaceful.

What is the building in front?

Oh! It's an embassy.

I like your room very much.

What is your profession?

CIA agent? What is the CIA?

I am a secret service agent,

and if you want, you can find my name in the Yellow Pages.

It's a dismantled rifle that you will rapidly re-assemble.

Yes. Let's go out on the balcony.

Through this scope, I see the embassy entrance.

There is a limousine waiting outside the embassy.

I see a black dignitary coming out of the embassy.

I'm leaving. I don't need your spacious room anymore.

- Why do you want to shoot me? - I am a DIA secret service agent.

It's more powerful than the CIA.

I am practically dead.

My name will be cancelled from the Yellow Pages,

but don't forget to consult the Yellow Pages

where you will find the name

of this very efficient...

Dear tv viewers, we will now broadcast, "The Bomb".

A group of Fascists beat me up!

Did you come to turn yourself in? Second floor, the door in front.

- Excuse me. - All those...

- Get in line! - What did he say?

- Nocella, do you hear me? - Yes, Chief.

Bring us a dictionary containing the word "derivative".

- It's pronounced "derivative". - It's pronounced "dèrivative".

- Hurry. - Yes, sir.

Derivative or dèrivative.

Derivative or dèrivative.

Derivative or dèrivative.

Derivative.

What are you looking at? Don't you see it's stopped?

If so, why's it going "tick tock"?

Tick tock?

We must see where it's coming from. Go inspect the basements.

Brigadier, you scared us.

- Why? - We heard a noise...

What is this tick-tock?

It's the sink leaking. I'll have to fix it one day.

Come in!

Nocella, did you bring the dictionary?

I didn't have time to get it

because of a serious problem that arose. Shall I tell you?

- Tell me! - I was looking for the dictionary.

I heard a "tick-tock" that I couldn't understand.

We don't know what it was.

- A clock. - No.

We all thought

that it could be a two syllable word.

- I am listening. - A bomb.

Don't make me laugh.

- If you listen... - We won't listen to bullshit!

Silence! Don't get nervous!

It is an explosive device.

Vacate the building from civilians. Stop.

At the same time, officers and troops,

evacuate the premises and take away important papers,

top secret documents, false balance sheets,

phone interception tapes,

pack animals and pointing animals, light and heavy weapons,

and all that deals with them. Stop.

Advise the chief of police.

Password, "Every man for himself". Stop.

Gathering at the cafe out front. Go!

Ready. One, two, three.

Load the materials. To your places, Isolation Section.

Don't get in the way.

Get tighter! Wake up!

Captain La Pattuglia. 6 minutes and 30 seconds from the call.

An absolute record. I follow orders.

- Where is the bomb? - It should be in the police station.

What was this tick-tock like?

- I need precise data. - Brigadier Negatto.

I think that rather than a tick-tock, it was a tick-tack.

Nocella. Excuse me, sir. I heard it first.

I am sure it was a tick-tock. If anything, a tock-tock.

This man speaks clearly! Tick-tock.

It must be a command with an electromagnet timer,

model PTM, set up on a bomb with a high potential.

Commander, have the latecomers evacuate

from their homes in a radius of 800 meters.

Fire Prevention Service, ready to intervene?

Always ready!

Boys.

Boys!

Gather together!

This is Carlo Maddaloni speaking. We have reached

the more advanced positions allowed by the Police Force.

We are a few meters from Captain La Pattuglia,

the bomb technician.

He is about to choose among his boys, who will stop

the bomb from exploding and causing incalculable consequences.

For Lampaccioni who is the smallest.

4 and 3, 7, 12, 18,

21, 26, 29, 33...

Quickly leave the houses near the police station.

We suggest you take valuable objects with you.

39, 40... 141!

Tirabucchi, always lucky! It's your turn.

- Aren't you proud? - I am, but I have a wife.

So what? Our motto is,

"Who is stuck with the chestnut, peels and eats it."

- Tirabucchi, you'll eat it. - Yes, sir.

- The moment has come. - Go. Your country is looking at you.

While everyone is leaving homes and belongings,

a heroic bomb technician is entering the mined construction.

He is about to courageously enter.

He's inside! May God help him.

We have spotted Chief Pertinace

whom we will ask to explain the situation.

Chief, we're from the tv news. Tell us. Give me the ice cream.

Speak. The camera is here.

Since the investigation is a delicate one,

and I am responsible for questioning, acquisition of revealing elements,

I am obliged... - The chief of police is here!

The chief of police is here!

Attention!

As chief of the forces of freedom and democracy,

what can you tell us about this bomb that is threatening your lives?

This subversive bomb, in other regimes would've been kept a secret.

But on the contrary, we inform the people about it.

In what sense?

The bomb re-proposes to the upright population

the legitimate necessity for a healthy repressive action.

Red Brigades or other colors, subversives of all kinds,

I see you and feel sorry for you.

Chief Pertinace, consider yourself praised.

Chief, do you want to say something?

- I am deeply thankful. - We thank the chief...

Sit here.

Chief, we have a small problem.

What? What is going on?

Chief, thank you and excuse me.

Lick it, Chief.

Tirabucchi, do you hear me? Position!

- Over. - I am in the bathroom corridor.

Keep going. Follow the tick-tack wherever it takes you.

The country is with you.

Inform me. What do you sense?

I just sense different sorts of odor, Captain.

- Is the detector reacting? - No, but I am.

For us, whether this bomb explodes or not,

it's our bread, gold, incense, myrrh.

- This way. - Help! Get me out!

- What is his problem? - He's the accountant.

He is very agitated today.

Maybe he senses the danger.

- Who? - Accountant Pandolfini.

Are you still keeping under momentary arrest

accountant Pandolfini who was arrested 3 years ago

for having told a police officer, "Don't bust my balls"?

Yes, unfortunately, since the arrest deadline had expired.

You let 3 years go by! Have him released immediately.

Do so secretly through the back door.

How can we do that?

After 3 years he's very pissed off and would cause a scandal.

Tirabucchi, where are you?

- I am on the target. - Good for you!

Caution. Give me the details. but don't expose yourself.

What form does it have?

The characteristics.

If the bomb doesn't explode, the accountant problem remains.

But if it explodes, we'll get rid of him.

- I wish! - May his soul rest in peace.

- Where is this girl going? - To the station.

- Why are you going there? - To get back the bag I left there.

There are groceries and a new clock inside...

Hold her! Quickly!

She is crazy! Take her away immediately!

Go! She is crazy! Put her in the ambulance. Hurry!

- What is going on? - Nothing.

- Can you tell us how things went? - It's Tirabucchi's mother.

Go! Go away!

Go!

Hello? Tirabucchi, what are you doing?

Found the bomb that isn't a bomb but just a clock. Shall I come back?

A clock? Come back immediately!

No! Don't move! I am the chief. Tirabucchi, can you hear me?

You didn't find the object you told me about. Is that clear?

- No? Is that clear? - No.

Say "yes", Tirabucchi. Saying "yes" helps understand.

Yes.

- Tirabucchi, defuse! - What?

Remove the contact from that damn bomb!

Give it to me.

I request a meeting for clarifying the situation.

- Meeting granted. - Let's go to the cafe.

You want to pass off a clock for a bomb.

But we bomb squad won't accept this clown act.

At least give us time to talk to who is high up and get an excuse.

We are all on the verge of being ridiculous.

You, not us. I'll give you a half hour.

I'll keep Tirabucchi inside there,

but at 12:30

I will let him out with the clock around his neck.

Gentlemen...

Pertinace, in 10 minutes at the usual secret place.

- At the usual place... - The secret one.

- Chief. - Present, Excellency.

Fast ministry investigations, Doxa, Argo, Demoscope,

revealed that the popularity of the Police Forces

in the last 5 hours has risen to the Sandokan level, thanks to the bomb.

- We give thanks. - Now we're on a launching runway

towards new and useful orbits of counter-opposed extremisms.

- Therefore... You understood, huh? - I understood "therefore".

- The bomb must explode. - What bomb? It's a clock.

They'll think we're gay.

You three are responsible for carrying out the plan.

- What plan? - Listen to the bag.

Clock or bomb?

A bomb that I will synchronize on my watch.

From the expiration of La Pattuglia's ultimatum, you have 30 minutes

to secretly enter the back door of the station,

place the bomb on site and nonchalantly leave.

What a brilliant plan, Excellency!

- I'll hear the explosion in the car. - Thank you.

La Pattuglia's ultimatum has expired.

- We have a half hour. - The way is clear.

- From the water heater! - Don't complain.

In the winter, when the water heater is on, it's worse.

- Who is it? Open! - He will stop suffering soon.

If I can give my opinion, this place is not good.

People would wonder why the bomb technician didn't see it.

The more they look like idiots, the better.

That's true, but we have time to find a more suited place.

It's now 12:46.

What? My watch is 15 minutes slow.

This is how, this is how...

This is how it's done.

This is how it's done. It's easy.

This is how, this is how...

This is how it's done.

With your dad, life is all here.

And now together.

This is how, this is how...

This is how it's done.

He is a fortunate child because he has a father who cares for him.

A dad who has already taken 5 billion in Switzerland,

and continues to take more, a little at a time.

That is what life is.

Here, hold the bag.

A city at the mirror, a triptych on Naples.

Holy Christmas is the celebration of children and the family.

So we must remind you

that all those who today are in favor

of contraceptive practices, are wrong.

We are horrified in thinking that

if certain practices that are favored by some had spread,

all you dear children, blessed by God,

wouldn't be here with us,

with your bright intelligence,

and your wonderful, evangelical innocence

that illuminates this place with the light of God.

You demonstrate that a human life is a great and sacred gift.

Since it's a serious and thoughtless crime

to kill a life in a mother's womb,

grow and multiply.

The awards.

- Yeah! - Come.

- He does not speak good Italian. - He's the first of 9 children.

His father is unemployed and his mother is ill.

Only 20 Liras!

Get your hand ready!

I have crumbs of pastries and "sfogliatelle". 20 Liras!

Today 20 Liras, not 10, because the air is humid.

So they are heavier.

You show up now for work?

Thief! Thief!

Gennarino, you're here.

I went through the tunnel to get here earlier.

- Who gave you these medals? - The bishop.

Did he come?

What did he tell you?

What did he tell me? He said that...

life is a gift from God.

That abortion is a crime.

He said, "Grow and multiply".

My son, are you transfixed? Hurry.

Gennarino...

Have you finished there?

My gosh!

Gennarino, have these children eat.

Mom, I'm not hungry.

- Give it to me! - No, I don't want to.

- Give it to me! - No! I don't want to.

- Give it to me! - No!

- Give it to me! - No!

Gennarino, it's 3 o'clock.

Remember to get the laundry on the balcony.

No. I don't want to give it to you.

- Give it to me! - No!

Give it to me!

We are horrified in thinking that if certain practices that are favored

had spread,

all of you dear children, blessed by God,

wouldn't be here in front of us.

You demonstrate that a human life is a great and sacred gift.

Since it's a serious and thoughtless crime

to kill a life in a mother's womb,

grow and multiply.

The images we saw clearly showed us

that the big problem in the city of Naples is that of infancy.

Today, our guest at Studio 7

is Professor Ludwig Joseph Schmidt,

a scholar and expert in sociology and demographic problems,

from the University of California.

What do you think about the serious problem we examined?

Thanks to my studies,

I made a discovery.

Do you know the famous book...

Do you know "Gulliver's Travels"?

- Yes. - His name is Jonathan Swift.

He was also a famous researcher of Sociology,

and the problems of over population.

He wrote a very important book that I have here.

In chapter 2,

there is a speech

that he gave in 1729.

Long before me.

He gave it at the London English Parliament.

And he "proses"... How do you say it in Italian?

- Proposes? - Yes.

In 1729, in the city of Dublin,

there were the same conditions as the children of Naples today.

He says exactly here...

He proposes that all the children of Ireland

must remain alive until they are one year old.

- And then? - It's simple.

After a year, these children

are taken from their families and put in a...

One of those big fenced-in areas with barbed wire

because those little animals...

I mean, these children could run away.

They are given a lot to eat and are fattened.

Then the most attractive, the biggest, are taken.

At this point there are various solutions. They can be boiled.

They are eaten with oil and lemon, pepper and salt.

Or cooked on the grill, alive.

I like that a lot, but they scream when they're put on the grill.

Or, if you have time, but you need a lot of patience...

They are taken and put in a vinegar bath.

You can add wine, rosemary,

nutmeg, clove...

- Thyme. - Yes.

This recipe is called "alla cacciatora".

I don't know if I understood.

You are proposing to eat the children?

Not all of them! Only the poor ones

which are 85% of the population in the city of Naples.

That way the problem will be solved.

The very serious problem on abortion which people talk so much about.

There's no need to have an abortion. You just boil the child.

Another problem is that of abandoned children.

They don't need to be abandoned, you cook them "alla cacciatora".

Furthermore, Naples would become an industrial city

because you can freeze these children

and they can be exported. Frozen children are much in demand.

Or they can be canned.

But you must not.... How do you say it? Gyp?

- Yes, gyp. - You must not gyp people.

If you write... as many Neapolitans do... "children."

You can't put cats or mice inside.

Those things they do in Naples. You must put children inside.

Understand?

We thank Professor Schmidt and go back to our central studio.

I was wondering where I saw you, and now I know.

Did you see that film, "Adele H"?

Yes, a couple of days ago.

You look like the French actress.

- What is her name? - Isabelle Adjani.

- Right! - No!

I don't mean to compliment you, but you seem so...

No. She is so beautiful!

Are you ugly? No, you're very pretty.

- Thank you. - I think you're even prettier.

Excuse me. Here.

Yes?

Alright.

We have invited to our studio four authoritative executives

of the preceding administrations of the city of Naples,

who will answer our tv viewers who during this encounter

will ask their questions and give opinions on the phone.

The honorable Lo Bove, the honorable Lo Bove...

I am innocent!

The honorable Lo Bove and the honorable Lo Bove.

Brothers, I imagine.

- Relatives? - Of course not.

- Oh, no! - We've never met each other.

- Isn't that true? - Never, Dad.

Naples, one of the cities that is most dear to the Italians,

up until today has had a series of poor governments,

serious deficit in the municipal balance sheets.

The number of unemployed has been higher than that of the citizens.

Broken down roads, buildings ruined by landslides,

the historical center invaded by mice, it is almost the year 1,000.

Gentlemen... what have you done to Naples?

- How did you get to this point? - I want to say this right away.

I publicly thank our bulwark party,

Superintendence and Regional Protection,

another supervision of Naples Democracy.

Naples is beautiful. So beautiful!

It's in my heart! Children, near and far...

Thank you, thank you so much!

Thank you, Honorable Lo Bove.

And now you, Honorable Lo Bove.

I'd like to add the honesty that we have shown

towards the population, with the population,

together with the population, inside the population,

up the population's ass! - Thank you, Honorable Lo Bove.

And now you, Honorable Lo Bove.

My illustrious predecessor who has just spoken

was talking about the inter-penetration

of the problems of Town Hall

that thanks to our efforts, is always alert.

We "was" always against...

Like a bulwark against the red voters,

who like tigers want to take over our city

and ruin this celestial gulf designed by the hand of God.

Excuse me.

- Transcription of the phone calls. - Alright.

- Let's hear what they say. - Thank you.

May we answer?

The first. "I'd like to know why these four sons of..."

We're off to a good start!

- They are all bad words. - We omitted the worst ones.

Thank you, dear.

I will try to synthesize...

But...

I will try to synthesize

the spirit of these phone calls.

In short, they are asking

why Naples for many years has been left in the hands of four scoundrels.

- This is the word I find here. - It doesn't matter.

They exploited the city and took over all the key positions.

All the key positions for swindling.

- Is that what's written? - No, I added it.

It fits in perfectly!

How could these "gluttons" ignore

the growing civil attitude of the population

and the demographic lesson of other cities, especially in the north,

that had changed to different administrations?

Are you degrading Naples to the level of Pisa and Bologna?

What region, what nation has such a beautiful sun,

such a blue sea, such a pleasant sky?

Men of Naples,

do you want to degrade yourselves

in working 10 hours a day like animals,

and permanently leaving your unemployment status?

Right! Woman of Naples, do you want to degrade yourselves too?

No longer feminine, but feminists!

No longer madams, but sluts!

No longer ladies, but hickies!

- Naples is a heart shaped city. - Naples is a pastry.

- A butterfly. - A "babà" cake.

Only we know how to appreciate our city.

- Give us back the majority. - An absolute majority.

Give us back the town hall square.

- Give us back the municipality. - Give us back Porta Capuana.

- Give us back Piazza Dante. - Send them!

Behave. Sit back down.

This is a live program. Gentlemen!

Damn you! Hey!

Ladies and gentlemen, our debate

"Naples, from sick patient to convalescent" ends here.

Darn it!

Phone tokens and portable radios.

Send us everything!

This evening "Studio Aperto" has lasted more than usual

because the topic was of great interest.

In fact, it is now...

My watch... My watch!

Honorables, give me back my watch.

- What watch? - Do you think we're thieves?

Darn! Do you realize it? They had taken my watch.

- We'll never set foot here again! - Thank you.

We apologize for the brief, personal interruption.

After "Studio Aperto", for coverage on current topics

we will join our mobile cameras

for the filming of the military parade

during the usual NATO manifestations.

Commander of the 3rd column, go to your position immediately

for the parade. - Where is the general?

He was running towards the station, red in the face.

The 3rd column must get ready for the parade.

General!

General!

The column is ready for the parade. It's our turn, and we're late.

General, we can't wait any longer.

We are obliged...

Here, boy.

Yes? What's wrong with it?

Alright.

So... Where did it go?

Did you look here?

- Is it this one? - No. I already read this one.

It's news from Pisa. These sheets are all the same!

Is it this one?

You read it.

Come on!

Come here.

"Pisa. A group of researchers, after years of attentive study..."

"was able to isolate the virus of corruption

of which we show some examples that are greatly enlarged. The virus..."

"The virus is transmitted with a simple wink."

"The virulogists have managed to create.."

- Virologists. - "The virologists have managed

to create a vaccine..." - Good job!

Come on! Go on!

Now go away or they'll kick us out.

The Ministry of Health has forbidden the sale in Italy

of the vaccine that immunizes from corruption,

in order to avoid the total paralysis

of many business sectors in our country.

And now, news from Rome.

The general assessor ordered the immediate demolition

of a ruined Roman temple of the 4th century before Christ

that was illegally situated

in front of the villa belonging to real-estate entrepreneur Macazzi,

because it upset its harmony.

In concluding...

On the age-old topic of exploitation of child labor,

a coverage...

in a mechanic's shop in the capital city.

We have come to a Roman mechanic's shop

where, among the workers, there are three minors.

- How old are you? - 13.

- How old are you? - 12.

And how old are you?

48. I have a wife and children.

After 8 months of unemployment, I managed to find a job

only disguised as a child.

What inconveniences do you face?

At noon I have to eat bread and chocolate spread.

And I must shave every 3 hours or I'll get caught!

Yes.

"Johannesburg. The American Secretary of State

met with the prime minister...

With South African prime minister, head of a segregationist government,

for a lunch based on blacks."

No! The topic of the discussion

was the blacks and their emancipation. Good evening.

You're a jerk!

And now, a program for farmers...

For buyers...

For youngsters,

where we present a project...

Where there is a project for a program...

For those

who are deaf...

For those who are religious...

For those...

Television for youngsters, a program for the tots.

The adventure begins here, and continues until it ends,

about Inspector Upright who doesn't bend and doesn't break.

Whatever you think about him, he's better than 007.

Inspector Upright, who doesn't bend and doesn’t break,

tonight is going on a mission at the villa of scoundrel.

Big stuff today!

Who is it? What do you want?

The police. We have a warrant.

You stay here, you go in the back. He is dangerous. Watch out.

He cautiously approaches,

as silent as a cat.

With the glance of a lynx, he is convinced

that his job has brought him to high society.

Upright says, "Hey! Did he do it to me"?

Mr. Palese. Don't say he isn't here. I know very well he is.

- The house is surrounded. - Come in, please.

Upright breaks into the scoundrel's house.

He knows that his job is to be a party pooper.

Unfortunately, it is his job to ruin situations.

Dearest!

- Mr. Palese? - I am he.

This is about the bribe money on the nuclear plants

that you pocketed.

I know everything. Go ahead and do your duty.

Gustavo! I need a suitcase with a changes of clothes.

- Right now? - Yes! A very big suitcase.

Did you hear? Don't waste time. Give it to me.

- Drink a drop of champagne. - No, never on duty.

- Come on... - Vladimiro! What are you doing?

I'll greet my friends and be right with you.

- Drink. Rest a bit. - Don't joke, I'm Inspector Upright!

- 40 million. - Dealer!

At this point Upright senses that something is fishy.

He pretends to be stupid to see how it ends up.

What are you doing here?

Inspector Upright. I am here to arrest Mr. Palese.

I know. I meant what are you doing here with that tray? Give me.

Oh, no!

- Leave... - I insist.

He realized what was going on from the hostess's behavior.

Alright, come. Take it to the kitchen.

To see how it ends up, Upright follows her.

Shortly after he is bent over unplugging a sink.

After this move, he senses that big stuff is involved.

He thinks, "This woman is a hotsie!"

And he adds, "I cannot get horny on the job."

A slice of pineapple with whiskey to the gentleman!

He wonders to himself, "Pineapple? What is it?"

He accepts it to see how it will end up.

- The senator is here. - My jacket!

Is it really an accident or a subtle move?

Again he acts stupid to see what is behind this.

He remains attentive, alert, still acting stupid.

- You went out of your way... - My husband's fault. He's nervous.

In one week, I lost two servants.

First Abdul, and then that scoundrel Saverio.

Tonight we'll celebrate with a small ceremony,

the 1st anniversary of the nomination of Senator Volpinacci

as president of the Carbohydrates Institute.

Upright is alone, listening to the echoes of the party,

the cheerful cries of the ladies, and the compliments to the senator.

A suspicion slowly grows inside of him.

Suddenly he darkens.

Now he knows how it will end up.

Perhaps it's the secret fascination of the unusual environment

that induces him to change his look, gestures and uniform,

up to the point of looking like a waiter.

He peels an orange without receiving a tip

because he knows it's his destiny to serve the citizens.

Then he goes back to doing what he came for.

When will we talk about this matter?

- Not tonight! - Shall I come back tomorrow?

I'll call you.

Surely Upright doesn't bend and doesn't break,

but if he finds who fools him, first he'll bend and then he'll break.

But if he finds who fools him,

first he'll bend and then he'll break.

Excuse me! Listen...

- Can you answer some questions? - Me?

We are television people.

Just a minute. Wait. I'll come down.

We are here in Milan to interview Mr. Menelao Guardabassi.

What are you doing on this boat?

I'm travelling.

Sometimes I get a ride,

and I take a free cruise!

Are you retired?

- Can you hear when I speak? - Sure. We are recording!

Yes, I used to work. I am a former works superintendent.

But I don't work anymore, I've retired.

We wanted to talk about that. How much is your pension money?

- Talk, or are you afraid of taxes? - No! No!

I get 32,000 Liras a month.

- How do you manage? - I don't complain.

Every morning the alarm rings at 7 on the nose.

I get up and get a breath of fresh air.

Go away with this stuff! Then I wash myself.

Madam!

- The faucet key. - Watch out for your head!

Thank you. Here it is.

Directly at the fountain!

I have all I need here.

A toothbrush...

The bird toothpaste.

I just advertised. In case, you can cut it.

I brush my teeth.

Not much, but well done.

I wash my hands with this.

You know what it is? It's not a soap bar.

It's yellow paper, the shopkeepers use.

It's a lot better than soap!

You never know what they put inside soap bars.

This is first quality stuff!

Look. It's that paper that they use for tuna too.

Smell the scent of the sea.

Smell the scent of the sea. Smell the scent of the sea.

- You never take a bath? - Yes, on the 15th of August.

Bathing too often ruins your skin.

I keep my hair long. It's not to save on the barber,

but because it keeps my neck warm.

- You don't eat breakfast? - I don't have that habit.

I'm not the type who only thinks of eating and drinking.

- You're not even having coffee? - Oh, sure!

I should start with drugs in the morning? Coffee has caffeine.

Sometimes, when I want to have a great time on Sunday,

I go with my friends with cooked food.

I can't complain.

- You're not catching the bus? - I never catch it.

I am the independent type!

Push it to the left. Move it!

A bit more! Come on!

Excuse me.

Perfect.

That's not good! Move it!

Hey! Pull up that cable!

It's crazy!

With all my experience, I tell you something twice...

It's enough, huh?

I can't stay here and waste time with them!

- Are you going home to ear? - No, I'm going to the infirmary.

Where are you going?

Who is it? The federal?

I'm hungry today.

Vitamin B12 and vitamin C.

It's a complete meal! A first course,

a second course and side dish, fruit and even "panettone"!

- What else do you want? - I have a cough.

- So what? - Give me a syrup.

After the shot, it's an excellent digestive drink.

Melted in chamomile tea, it's much better than sugar.

If it's very hot, with a bit of lemon peel, it's like punch.

- You're still interested in women! - Sure enough!

When was the last time you were with a woman?

I get a Christmas bonus too.

When I receive it...

Hi. Will you do that thing to me? Do you have time now?

- Warm hand, 1,000. Cold hand, 500. - Cold hand!

Here is the 500.

- Laura, do a good job. - My name is Maria!

If I think of Laura Antonelli, it feels better.

You aren't jealous, are you?

- How do you spend your afternoons? - I'm not complaining.

I sit on my folding cane and sit in front of the tv set.

There is no sound, but maybe it's better!

The usual.

Here is the "Bologna".

Here.

So... 200 Liras the "mortadella",

100 Liras the apple, and 100 Liras the bread.

Until yesterday bread was 25 centimeters. Now it's 20.

Didn't you know it had increased?

Good evening, madam!

It's alright anyway, right?

Yes, yes!

I'm not complaining.

But sometimes I get pissed off!

You don't even have a mattress?

That's the first place where thieves look.

- It's a room without a window. - It's better.

It doesn't get hot in the summer,

nor cold in the winter.

A constant temperature like in basements.

- You drink syrup with your meal? - Yes.

As you can see, I end my day saving money.

I spend 500 Liras a day to eat.

In a month, it makes 15,000 Liras.

The month of February has 28 days, so I can buy wine!

15,000 to eat and 13,000 for renting this home.

- It makes... - 28.

28, right! With the first 2,000 Liras left over,

I satisfy my whims!

I still have 2,000 Liras left to face tough times.

- It's wise to plan ahead. - Yes.

There are retired men who even have to support their wives!

- Furniture is painted on the wall. - It takes up less room.

Look. I even have a support belt! It keeps me warm.

- You do everything with newspapers? - Isn't there freedom of the press?

Don't you ever see a nice filet?

A filet? What is it?

What the officers of the army have here?

No! I mean that cut of tender meat that is between the cow's loins.

Meat... filet.

Filet!

District attorney, they accuse you of having confiscated many films

with the pretext that they were obscene, thus considering Italians

immature, underdeveloped, backward, infantile and inferior.

- Exactly! - Doesn't this criticism upset you?

Aren't you ashamed? Doubtful? Regrets?

- I don't hear anything. - Why?

Because I use "Oro tapp".

Against bothersome noises, for peaceful living.

With "Oro Tapp"

you will no longer hear noises that irritate you.

- Enough! - We are...

- All... - Adults.

- We want... - To decide...

- With the head... - Our head.

We have grown up! We've grown up!

Our programs. After the "Losers-meter" a quiz program with prizes,

there will be the last episode of the tv movie, "The Holy Throne".

Concluding the evening...

there will be the afternoon... the night news.

Ladies and gentlemen, good evening.

Welcome to the 15th episode of Losers-meter.

During tonight's program, three authentic losers will participate.

Losers are never missing in Italy.

These losers were chosen

among thousands of losers who applied.

Be happy!

Mrs. Cogitabondi of Pinerolo,

Mr. Macaluso of Gibellina,

and Mr. Crescenzi of Rocca Cantora.

Here is our first contestant, Mrs. Cogitabondi.

- Go! - I am a virgin widow.

Excuse me, but that seems...

I'll explain. I had a proxy marriage and used a very touched-up photo

with an emigrant in Australia. I went to wait for him at the port.

When he saw me, he jumped from the ship, crashing on the pier.

He died the evening of the wedding. Magnificent! How many points, Marina?

- 35 points. - 35 points! Fine! My compliments!

Let's go on to the second contestant, Mr. Macaluso

from Gibellina. Are you deaf-mute?

Only mute. Too bad!

Notary, may I accept a written misfortune?

- Yes, if motivated. - Very well!

"An entrepreneur whose name I don't want to say

entrusted recycled money, a billion dirty Liras to me,

but I forgot it on the train."

Mr. Macaluso!

Is forgetting a billion Liras on the train

a misfortune, notary? - No, it's asinine.

It's asinine, my dear friend.

This answer would be appropriate

for our future program "The Asinine-meter".

You are eliminated! You disappointed millions of spectators.

It's your turn, Mr. Crescenzi. Go on!

I was arrested with the accusation of stealing an apple.

I was sodomized in jail by 12 cell mates

and two wardens who ran over to help me.

- Then they increased my sentence. - Increased it?

For obscene acts and luring of public officers!

Fabulous! Fabulous!

- How many points, Marina? - 55.

55 points. Wonderful!

Let's go back to the first booth. Mrs. Cogitabondi, go!

- My purse was snatched coming here. - Very good!

To overcome the shock, I took a tranquilizer,

but made a mistake. It was a laxative. And now I am...

Shitting in your underpants! Shitting in your underpants!

- 60 points. - Very good!

60 points to the first booth, in fact, toilet!

- To you, Mr. Crescenzi. Go! - I was obliged to escape

with the "monster of Agerola", author of 27 rapes.

The crowd chased us screaming, "Monster!"

They lynched me, and I don't know why.

They lynched him! It's awesome! Amazing!

Thank you! Thank you! Now we've come to the final phase.

Mrs. Loser from Pinerolo, try the button.

Perfect! Now, Mr. Crescenzi, try your button.

Wonderful! The contestant was electrocuted!

Where're you going? Let him die. It'll be his good luck!

Here he is! Our winner!

Our viewer friends, we will see you next week.

Remember that your happiness

is the misfortune of others.

Melancholy! Melancholy!

Let's watch a brief summary of the preceding episodes.

After unspeakable incidents,

Cardinal Pizzuti rose to the Holy Throne,

overtaking in the Conclave Cardinal Canareggio.

In toasting with him, he was struck by a mysterious illness.

Atrocious suffering brought him to his death bed.

A moment before his death,

the Pope was illuminated by a late suspect.

I go on to eternity, and you know why.

So now they will vote for me as Pope!

But another ambitious man aimed at the same position.

The very powerful cardinal Piazza Colonna.

Now answer another prayer.

Have me become Pope!

So over the body of the pope who had just be embalmed...

You made him so ugly!

You could have called in an Egyptian!

At that point the two powerful cardinals

began the most fierce fight for succession in the papal history.

You can't exhibit him. He won't last long.

He's like a rotten fish.

He'll go to pot.

- What is your proposal? - Give me all the votes you can,

and I'll have 20 nephews of yours become cardinals.

So, with 20 cardinal nephews, when I die, they'll make you the pope.

- I have half the council on my side. - I have the other half.

We'll be even in the voting, or one of us will win by one vote.

- Do you want to risk? - Yes, I do. What do I care?

But no plotting in the corridor!

A clean vote. An extra vote can always be found.

Eminence, you think he can come to the Conclave?

Will he come on a stretcher?

He can't miss it. He is virtue, the mirror of Rome.

If only for the patience with which he puts up with his illness...

Who is it? What are all these voices?

- Is the boat ready? - What boat?

Did Charon send me a sailor?

Felicetto Ceased Spirits, Cardinal Caprettari,

the man who gave everything to the needy and lives in poverty.

No! He will die in poverty!

Make an effort. Get up.

- We only ask for your presence. - But I feel sick.

I have dropsy, epilepsy,

infantile paralysis, tapeworm...

What else?

Oh! Herpes Zoster!

Encephalitis. Look at this hand.

Now it's still.

I have Saint Lazarus scabs.

It's a Medieval disease that no one has anymore.

But I have it. I have a urine problem.

I drink and bloat.

I haven't pissed for many days. Miss Edvige.

- How many days has it been? - You're asking me?

Tell him. It pleases His Eminence.

- Did you do that? - They are the angelical trumpets.

- I already hear them calling me. - He always says that.

Sometimes, during winter evenings, I sit at the foot of the bed

and His Eminence, graciously, has me listen to the concert.

To have a good time!

Custodian! Custodian!

- Give it. I'll do it. - Do you mind, Eminence?

Be careful. He's like a child, especially with "peperini" in broth.

- He drools all over. Yesterday... - Custodian!

Hey! What a nuisance!

She was a whore. I redeemed her.

I had her given a job as custodian.

- Only I heard that one. - No, me too.

Really? I guess it's because I'm smelling holiness!

Vote for me and I'll have Bramante

build a commode like a cathedral.

I am not ambitious.

I'm dead for the world. Slowly, or I'll choke.

I only hope to deliver myself to the undertaker and...

Don't stuff me! Give me that spoon.

So vote for me and when you die, I'll make you a saint.

A saint is more than a pope!

- Darn you and your "peperini"! - Miss Edvige, a napkin!

- She left. - When?

Just think of it.

Me down here, and you up there.

We've never seen such harmony.

We'll create the holy gang.

We'll hail the crusades and raise the stakes.

We'll criticize the gospels.

There's a lot we can have fun with.

We'll be in cahoots and catch them all.

- All, who? - You'll be the saint with an ax.

With a plate?

They'll put you on the cover of the calendar.

- I'm not worthy of it. - I already venerate you.

My holy Felicetto, answer my prayer!

- All this for a vote? - It all depends on one vote.

Saint Peperino!

No, I don't deserve anything.

I just need a shovelful of soil, a cross with two sticks.

And you tempt me in my conceitedness.

It is a very ugly temptation.

You have the devil creep inside of me. I already feel ill!

I have a conflict creep inside of me, my guts will churn.

I must resist!

Did you hear? Even the angels say no. I'm sorry.

- Is this your last word? - No, maybe there's another one.

- Enough angels! - No, it's my word.

Think of your health, you who can do that.

- You know what? - What?

Stick it up your ass, you big fart!

There you go. I was worried.

Miss Edvige!

Did I eat?

Dear faithful, good morning.

The first voting is under way.

And already two opposing sides of the Sacred Council are forming.

"Piazza Colonna." White.

Your mother!

White.

"Piazza Colonna."

"Canareggio." White.

While waiting for the result of the voting,

which appears to be very uncertain,

considering the equilibrium of the forces that oppose themselves,

now we'll do a brief opinion survey.

Who did you vote for, Eminence?

For Cardinal Canareggio, the right man in the right place.

Note that.

Eminences, be silent. The voting is still under way!

Eminence...

Who did you vote for?

For Cardinal Piazza Colonna.

- A great moralizer. - Note that.

An autograph, Eminence.

He is truly a saintly man!

Thank Sister Orsola.

It seems that I'm shitting on your head, Eminence.

The ballots are even.

The smoke arose, Eminence. It's black.

It's black for everyone!

Miss Edvige, close the curtain.

- Lots of smoke is entering. - I'll have to do the laundry again.

Until the smoke is white, I won't do laundry!

Yes, that's better.

Well...

Tragedy hovers overhead.

Miss Edvige, I have to piss.

She left! She's never around when I need her.

The country is changing, but the cardinals remain the same.

Look where that slut put my urinal!

You'd think she does it on purpose!

I'm not ready.

Don't cut the string.

I was waiting for you, but not so early.

- Hurry and piss. And let's go. - Yes... No!

- Why piss if I must die? - Why do you want to die?

You're not death?

No! It's me.

I had to disguise to get out of the Conclave.

Oh, it's you! Then I'll piss!

Yes, but let's not waste time. I need your vote.

You can't say no. I turn to your sense of responsibility.

- Have you done? - Done? I still have to start!

- Again? - Calm down! It takes time.

I'm of a certain age. I'm not a child!

- I have... - Encephalitis.

- You do it with your steady hand. - Me?

You don't know how? Miss Edvige should be here.

- Edvige! - I'll do it.

- Miss Edvige is good! - Here...

- Keep the direction. - Yes.

I have to find it. Here it is! No, it isn't.

Here it is!

It's so great to piss!

If I were rich, I'd always piss.

- Yes, but more central. - I used to center it.

Give me your vote. Give me your vote.

Or I must ask God for forgiveness for what'll happen tonight.

My hand!

Darn it! That hand should be paralyzed!

Here it is! The angel passed by.

No. It's functioning again.

Be careful, Eminence.

Visiting the sick

is a wonderful thing.

But anger is a capital sin.

Will you get up or not?

I'm already up. Can't you see?

- I am ready for the last call. - Then die!

You pisser!

I, instead, wish you to live at least until tomorrow.

Cancel.

Cancel.

- Let's put him in the closet. - Yes.

And now?

He must be from the other Conclave. To the well!

Eminence, now we're a majority.

Now we are even again.

One night, and already 36 of us are missing.

Since God calls the best ones to His side,

does it mean the ones remaining to vote for the Pope, are the worst?

I am wondering what will happen tonight.

- We won't stay another night! - We'll vote and leave.

We'll vote for what?

Eighteen cardinals on each side have disappeared

and the white ballots remain the same.

- So what should we do? - There is no way out.

To overcome the power conflict,

we need a transition pope for a reform of the papacy.

An interlocutory pope.

- An honest and kind man. - That's me!

You are honest but not kind.

In fact, come to think of it, you are dishonest and are evil.

Really? Then take this!

Eminences! Holy Mary!

We are giving an indecent spectacle.

I realize there are contrasts, but the confrontation must be civil.

Then let's confront each other in a civil way.

- Who will be the pope? - We need someone who doesn't know.

Someone who doesn't understand.

- Who doesn't interfere. - And hopefully dies soon!

Yes! Sure!

Then it must be someone who will die soon!

We are not eternal!

Who is it?

Have the mourning visits begun?

The Lord has taken me.

What an unbridgeable void I left!

Everyone loved me.

I was such a good man!

Are you the undertakers?

What time is the funeral?

You're not dead yet!

Oh, no?

Then why all this light? Edvige!

- I am here. - Blow them out. This is a waste.

It's what he says all day. "Light them, blow them out..."

We all know that dying men are nervous.

Don't worry, I will be leaving soon.

I will die... Give me time to catch my breath.

- Eminence... - Yes?

Nuntio vobis gaudium magnum.

Are you by chance Cardinal Annibaliano? Edvige!

- I am here. - Edvige!

The cardinal dean is here. Bring out the anise biscuits.

- We don't have any. - A rosolio.

- We don't have it. - Some sweets.

- There aren't any. - There isn't jack shit!

Who are all these people?

Nuntio vobis gaudium magnum. Habemus Ponteficem.

Good! You reached an agreement. Who is he?

Eminentissimum ac Reverendissimum,

Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem...

- Cardinalem? - Try to say it.

- Don't make me strain. - Cardinalem

De Li Caprettari. - De Li Caprettari!

Which means, you!

- Me? - Yes, Eminence. You.

I am Pope?

I am Christ on earth?

Eminence!

Why do you call me "Eminence"?

Don't get so friendly.

I am now the "Holy Father".

Or, to shorten it, "Holiness".

Miss Edvige, my slippers.

I don't believe I'm walking!

It took all my patience!

Otherwise, I never would've made it with you.

Ten years in bed!

A whole lifetime pretending to die

while I was absolutely healthy.

Eating "peperini" to look like a jerk.

And much more! I kept telling myself,

"They will have to reach a conflict of power."

"They will have to choose a transition pope."

"A dummy pope."

Thank God it's over.

Air!

All these old things. Nothing ever changes here.

Miss Edvige, open that door.

You have accumulated,

consolidated, incorporated,

subdivided...

Now it's someone else's turn.

What is the saying? "What goes around comes around."

The Swiss are great! Captain!

The executioner will comb these two eminences.

The cardinal dean will die on his own!

Save me. You won't regret it. A grey eminence is necessary.

I'd like to, but I am contrary to plurality.

I tend towards the absolute. I must do things my own way.

Which means, cutting off your head!

- What do you think you can do alone? - I can live it up!

I'll live it up and be great.

Holiness, there have been other great popes.

Really? Then I'll just live it up!

After my illness, I must get back in shape.

Miss Edvige.

Praised be Jesus Christ.

I will go to the assembly.

You're not going? Ridolfi!

Is it possible you always pretend not to know anything?

Very good! I will go.

It is useful. Mark my words.

Yes. I'll make the announcement and go.

"Because of the uprising of television journalists

for a bigger and more democratic participation

in television news,

we apologize, but must interrupt our tv news

to personally intervene

in an encounter with the executives of the sector." See you later.

The tv news will resume as soon as

the constructive opinion exchange between journalists and managers ends.

The animated assembly for freedom of information was updated.

"Rome. In the senior citizen salon, the solemn ceremony

for the inauguration of the preliminary ruling year took place."

No. First I want to inform you of some news

that you'll surely be more interested in.

Grottaferrata. Today at the Osteria del Fico,

Mr. Aristide Barotti, who is a plumber,

and Mrs. Rosetta, housewife,

celebrated their golden wedding anniversary

surrounded by their sons, daughters-in-law and grandchildren.

They were served

"bucatini all'amatriciana",

"scottadito" lamb with baked and fried potatoes,

pecorino cheese, fruit and ricotta.

The grandfather, Amleto Barotti, age 91,

who was a little tipsy from the wine,

improvised some popular tunes.

The guests present had a wonderful time and drank a lot.

Among the tunes, the one most appreciated was the following:

"Bitter blade of grass, too bad my weenie no longer works,

or I would go wild!"

"Teheran. The Shah of Persia..."

What the hell am I saying?

It is very interesting. I think it's quite interesting.

Much more than this! Am I kidding?

I don't give a darn about the Shah's missed visit.

Not about the cautious answer of Giscard to Schmidt!

Am I kidding? I'll throw it all away! I threw it all away!

Are you happy? Go on!

Who gives a darn!

There! With this, I think I have finished.

While you'll watch the inauguration from the senior citizen salon.

- Ladies... - And gentlemen...

good night!