Original subtitles

- Whoa. - Sorry.

- Oh, don't worry.

She's a--she's a feminist log.

- Oh.

Do you want a medal?

- No.

I mean, I'd take a smile if you had one.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

- Next. - No, no.

Sorry. My name is Henry.

I should have said that sooner.

Silly me.

- Next.

- Oh, sorry.

Oh, hi.

Sorry.

Oh, uh, just to clarify, I wasn't,

like, trying to hit on you just then,

in case that's how it came across, you know.

Not that you're not my type.

I mean, actually, you're exactly my type.

- You're not my type.

- Hello?

- Oh, I'm--ma'am, I'm sorry.

Um, OK, actually, before I hand this over to you,

I would like you to understand that

this is not just a piece of wood.

In case people were wondering,

this is a legitimate, magical object

that holds very real emotional significance in my life

because my ex, the woman I love,

cut it down after a vigorous lovemaking session

in the hills of Oregon.

We were on a little sexcation.

You ever have one of those?

See, I'm trying to, uh, win her back,

which is why I was like, "I'm not hitting on you just now."

Just--just saying.

- How many bags?

- Oh, just this little guy.

Sorry.

Should I--can I put this over here for you?

- Yeah, right on the scale.

- I can just put it in for if you want.

- Sure. - There it is.

It's up.

- Can you just balance it so that they--

- Yeah, no, I--I got it. I got it.

- Next!

- Hi.

- Are you a Scorpio?

- Cancer.

- Cancer, interesting.

What's your moon?

What's your rising?

- Sir, I'm really gonna have to ask you to leave the premises.

- Yeah, no, I was just trying to have a quick--

yeah.

Yeah, of course. Sorry.

- Good evening. Welcome on board.

- Anyway, I'm about to take off, so I gotta go.

OK.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

- My childhood dog just died.

- Hey.

Um, hey, I'm sorry to bother you,

but what--what's your name?

- Uh, Will.

- Will, my fiancée and I were supposed to sit next to each other,

but that seat wasn't available.

Apparently, now it is.

Like, would it be too much of a bother

if I just, like, scooted in?

Would that be OK?

Just, we--we just can't get enough of each other.

You know what I mean?

Just--sorry.

Oh, well, hello there, mister.

Oh. Wow.

You are a handsome man.

Such nice skin.

Seriously, though, you can go to my seat if you want.

It's Comfort Plus.

- I'm all set here. Thanks.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, are you sure?

You're welcome.

Oh, my God.

Whoa!

Do you wanna play?

- No. - You and me.

Come on, one toss.

Just one. Call it.

Heads or tails?

- Tails.

- Oh, that's pretty good.

I'm a heads person myself, but...

Let's try one more.

Let's see.

Wow.

Jesus.

Whoa!

Shit!

Oh, fuck!

Oh!

You OK?

- Oh, I hate this.

Flying?

- Everything--flying, you.

- Me?

Oh, fuck!

- We're gonna die!

- We're not gonna die, OK?

We're probably not gonna die!

We're probably, probably!

Ah!

Please hold my hand.

- Sorry, you don't have anything?

Not even, like, a minivan or a Bronco?

- Do you need a ride?

I'm a double black triple platinum member, so.

- Can I drive?

- No.

My name's on the rental, so no.

Oh, Jesus.

OK.

Maybe just take it easy there a little, Cancer, please.

What are you--come on.

You can't smoke in here, man.

This is my rental.

- Tell me about log girl.

What's she like?

I mean, she's beautiful, you know.

- Oh, wow. She sounds special.

- And she's smart.

OK, way smarter than me, and she knows it, which is sexy.

She's brave.

Oh, shit.

Pull over here.

Thank you.

- This?

- You cannot be serious.

- OK, look, just wait here if you want.

I'll be a few minutes. All right?

- If you're not back in 15, I'm leaving.

- OK, that's fine.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, sorry, that--um, I'm--

I didn't mean to bother you.

I'm looking for, um...

- Madam Universe?

- Yeah, is she here?

- Hi.

Brian and I are so excited to see you at the wedding

this weekend.

All right, so I got a couple details.

Friday--

- Oh, actually, you know what?

If it's OK, I, uh--

I brought my own.

- Dalí's deck.

- Oh, yeah. - Hmm.

- I'm a huge fan of surrealism.

- It'll be an extra $10.

- Are you charging me a corkage fee for bringing my own deck?

- It's unfamiliar and therefore requires

extra powers of concentration.

- You know what? Fine.

That's OK. Just let me...

- The seven of swords.

Diana, goddess of the hunt,

friend to animals and servant of the moon.

- Servant of the moon?

No, that can't--I--

I never heard it described like that.

- Are you doing the reading, or am I?

- I don't have the best relationship with the moon, OK?

I don't trust it.

Feels like it's a little too close to the Earth.

When I was little, I had, like, a reoccurring nightmare

that, like, it was going to crash into the planet

and cover the whole world with cheese.

- Cheese?

A majority of the time,

love's an extreme manifestation of narcissism.

- Are you calling me a narcissist, or--

- You are on a journey.

But it is not the journey that you are on.

Yeah.

- Mm.

Mm, OK.

OK, I shouldn't have come in here.

I'm just--I'm sorry.

Oh, Jesus Christmas!

Ah!

Fucker bars!

I should go.

- There's no use running from the moon.

- Trust me, I--I understand.

Can you hand me my deck, please?

- She's always there, you know, even when you can't see her.

- Thank you.

You know, when I first came in here,

I really thought you were going to say something, like,

magical and uplifting to me.

I thought you were gonna look at me

and just tell me to follow my heart, man.

- Follow your heart, man.

- OK, look, you're making fun,

but this is very serious for me.

You can't just say it back to me because I said it to you.

- I mean, or not,

because love is not about being made happy.

- "Love--not being made happy."

Do you hear yourself right now?

Are you hungry?

What are you, a fucking vampire?

Jesus.

Oh, Henry, what do you do for a living?

Oh, well, thank you for asking.

Oh, well, this seems a little excessive, but yeah.

Actually, it's really interesting, what I do for a living.

I--I stay at these cute little unique Airbnbs,

and I blog about them.

And I mean, it's not really that big of a deal,

but you know, I have, like, 1,000 followers.

So, I mean, you name it, I probably stayed there, you know?

Actually, you know what's really funny?

I stayed at a gas station once, right?

It was, uh, Old El Paso Petroleum.

It was hosted by Sam and Diane.

Cute little couple.

They turned this 1960s garage

into this, like, awesome little living space.

And the amenities were just, like, ugh.

But I mean, you know, gas.

Well.

So actually, do you have Instagram?

If you want, I can, like, send you a picture or something.

- No, I don't do that.

- You don't--you don't do Instagram?

I mean, yeah, they're monsters.

What about Spotify?

TikTok?

You do that?

You do the Target app?

I got that.

So where's home for you, Cancer?

- Geneva. - Geneva?

Really? - Mm-hmm.

- Oh, wow.

You're so fancy.

What brought you to Philly?

- My dad.

- Cancer, are you a Philly girl?

- No.

I told you, I live in Geneva.

- Oh. - I've been there for nine years.

- So what you're saying is...

You're a Philly girl?

- I don't know what that means.

- So is there--is there, like, a person in your life?

Are you seeing someone?

- I see people.

- You see people.

A--a person or just people in general?

- People.

- Come on.

Is that--is this really it?

Is this all I'm getting?

- What?

- I am trying to have a genuine conversation with you, Cancer.

And so I'm actually trying to get to know you.

You are--you're familiar with this concept, yes?

- OK, fine.

There is a person.

- Oh, you have a person.

Cancer has a person.

OK, so tell me about him.

- Well, she.

- She. OK, she.

- She's like--

I don't know--the spirit, this embodiment of joy.

And, um, she makes up

the most perverse stories about paintings.

And she falls in love with every single named animal.

And her eyes--oh, my God, her eyes.

- Cancer.

Oh, OK, OK.

Say no more.

I love her.

So why are you not with this person?

- She's my best friend.

So you're a masochist.

OK, that makes sense.

- It's like she belongs in a song

or, like, a novel or something.

But she's real.

And just knowing that she's real

makes everything and everyone else feel fucking fake.

- And I don't know.

I don't know anything, but I know that I love her.

And sometimes that's the only thing that feels real.

- Maybe that's because it's the only thing that is.

- OK, so, uh, I guess--

I guess, this is goodbye.

Do you believe in signs?

- No.

Wait, from the universe? - Yeah.

- No.

- I've been having, like, the strangest dreams lately

of, like, lunar crustaceans and coincidences, yeah.

I don't know.

You just--you ever get the feeling that, like,

maybe none of this is real?

I think you are, you know?

- Are you OK?

- Uh, yeah, I'm fantastic.

Are you--are you OK? - OK, I'm great.

Signs aren't real.

Whoa!

That was not a sign.

- Are you gonna tell me your name?

Or am I gonna keep having to call you Cancer?

- Jane. - Jane.

Oh, shit!

- OK.

- Jane.

I guess--I guess I'll see you around, Jane.

- Yeah.

See you around, Henry.

- Can you tell me when you made the reservation?

- Five months ago.

- Mm.

The thing is, we have no record of that reservation.

- That's impossible.

Are you fucking with me?

- Jane!

- Oh!

- Jane, you fucking wolf.

I thought you abandoned me.

I feel abandoned. - No.

- Yes.

I'm kidding. Hi.

Hi.

- Oh.

You can't leave me. - Mm-mm.

- You'd be so bored, squirreled away in your lab

like some hot Dr. Frankenstein, smoking your cigarettes, dying.

When I die, you have to promise to spend the rest of your life

trying to bring me back, like a golem.

- Yeah. - I'm dying to be a golem.

- Yeah, like with the clay face? - Yes, and--

- Uh-huh.

- And the--ah!

Ah!

- God.

- Ah!

- So hot.

- I know.

- Uh, but if I bring you back,

then I get to control you, right?

- Yes.

- And are you sure you'd be OK with that?

- I'd be dead, so yeah.

- Um, the hotel lost my reservation.

- Fascists!

I'm kidding.

I canceled it.

You're staying at my place.

- With you and Brian?

- Yeah.

Yeah, it'll be fun. Yeah.

How's being home?

- It's weird.

- It's always weird.

- Mm-hmm.

Cute bag.

- Yums. - Juicy one.

- Get into it.

Thank you, Connor.

- Love it. Love it here.

- Mm.

- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, yeah.

Donica is about to get into it.

- No, thank you.

- Oh, come on!

- Don't be boring.

- I'm OK.

All right.

All right.

It's a little harder than I thought.

- Oh, yeah.

The torch.

- OK, a little one.

A little one!

- I'm so happy you're here.

- Me too.

- I'm so happy.

Oh.

- Yeah!

- OK!

Now we can go.

- After you.

- Good.

- Oh!

Let's party!

- Partying at a stoplight is weird. - What? Oh.

- Where are you, question mark.

- So I'm thinking here.

I used to cut Jane's hair in high school.

- You wanna do it?

- Can I?

- I mean, you're the bride.

If you want to. - OK.

Thank you.

- Sam!

- Let's take a look.

What did you do to the back?

Did you cut this?

- Dude, last time I went to a salon in New York,

they charged me $200, and I came out looking like Mufasa.

- Ooh, Mufasa's kind of hot.

- What?

He's an animated lion.

- Yes.

- I'll take it.

- People go to salons for a reason, a really good reason.

What about that?

- Do you like that?

Or like--one more try.

These are your bangs, but, like, to the side.

- I love it.

- I think that's really cute. - No.

- I know.

So we're gonna cut it.

- I can just, like, stand behind someone for the photos,

and you won't even see me.

- Absolutely not. - Connor will be--

- No.

Do you trust me?

Excuse me.

Do you trust me?

- Yeah. - OK.

- OK. - It's gonna be great.

Yeah.

OK.

I think I changed my mind.

Yeah.

So you're not gonna cut my hair?

- I don't think so.

I think we'll just, like, put it up or something.

OK, cool.

Am I done here?

I'm gonna go out and have a cigarette.

- Yeah.

This way, Henry won't fall in love with you.

- Henry's here?

- Yes, the drama llama is here.

- Henry, as in your ex-boyfriend?

- Don't judge me, OK? - Sam.

- We kept in touch. - Why?

- Oh, my God. Listen, listen.

It's not like that.

We're just friends, OK?

I don't like losing people.

I'm not gonna do that anymore.

Um, it's OK.

You'll probably really like him if you just chill, all right?

Just don't let him pull you into one of his Gonzo

"it's the end of the fucking world" routines.

- I can't believe you invited Henry to your wedding.

- This coming from my best friend

who moved halfway across the planet for graduate school?

That was really cool, by the way.

Do you have a towel?

- Yes, I do.

- And I'll definitely need more champagne because--

- Of course.

- You got your hair cut.

- No, actually. I didn't.

- It's very nice.

- You can't win her back.

- I can try.

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

Come on.

Oh, my God, this is wild.

It's wild!

Cancer, it's a fucking lobster!

Oh, come on, man.

- Dude.

Are you seeing a therapist?

- Are you kidding me?

Are you--I told you, OK?

I told you!

Crabs, OK?

Crustaceans, all right?

They're one of the signs.

Come get lunch with me.

Look, stop smoking.

Put the cigarette down, and realize how crazy this is.

This is wild, man!

- Henry?

What's going on?

- Hi, Samantha Jones.

- I thought you were having a cigarette.

- I am.

- Oh, but having it with him?

- No.

He just showed up.

Did you invite him?

- Why would I?

No.

- Jane and I almost died in a plane crash yesterday.

- Oh.

- And then we rented a car--

- Oh.

- And came here together for you.

- You almost died--

why didn't you say anything?

- It didn't seem important, honestly.

- Actually, it was very intense.

It was. Very scary.

She was scared.

You know, we're gonna go get some lunch,

uh, if you wanna come.

- I can't.

We're doing bachelorette stuff.

- Hey, you know, if you change your mind--

ugh.

So you are coming.

Good.

We've got a lot to talk about.

You can't tell me that's not crazy.

- I'm not here for you.

I'm here for booze.

- Ah, thank you so much, sis.

OK.

What's--what's with the tape?

- Mm.

I'm clinically insane.

- Oh, OK.

Well, that explains a lot.

- Please don't say it like it turns you on.

- It does turn me on.

Mm.

- Whatever.

No, I'm an adhesive engineer.

- OK.

That's a--that's a real job?

- Yeah.

It's actually a very important

and underappreciated profession.

I develop various chemical compounds

that help different objects adhere to each other.

- Oh, so you make things stick together.

- And unstick.

- Wow, that's incredible.

So these are your, like--

- These are the compounds that I'm working on.

- Creations. - Yeah.

So this one's too strong.

See?

And this one's too weak.

- Let's talk strategy.

How do we break up this wedding?

- Oh, yeah.

Well, that's an easy one.

We don't.

- OK, come on, Cancer.

This is our destiny.

- Our destiny?

You know, from the guy that was supposed

to move with her to San Francisco

and then didn't--you just didn't.

You are such a fucking coward.

And I cannot believe that she still talks to you,

never mind that she invited you to her wedding.

Ugh.

- Are you OK?

- I'm fine.

I'm great.

- Hmm.

- This has been the best year of my entire fucking life.

I got my doctorate, and I have a job that's really fulfilling.

And I go jogging.

I sleep like a baby. - Wow.

You know what's funny is, my nephew's a baby.

He doesn't sleep.

- I sleep like a corpse.

- That's just fantastic.

Mm-hmm.

Why are you here?

My best friend's getting married.

And I'm here to support her.

- No. Why are you here with me right now?

I saw you through that salon window, Cancer.

- You don't know anything.

- You sure you don't want some?

It's really good. I can break it in half.

OK, let's say that you're right.

OK, I don't--I don't know anything.

So tell me.

- Love isn't all logs and drama.

Signs from the universe?

- That's not what I think it is.

- Flying across the country to stop a wedding

like no one else matters?

For most of us, love is...

it's just quiet.

- OK, but have you seen Brian, though?

Like, you know what I mean?

I'm not saying the man's a serial killer, but if he was...

Would you be surprised?

- Sam lost a painting.

- Of Brian?

Is it of Brian?

Is it a nude?

Let me see.

Come on. Just let me--here.

- OK.

I gotta go.

- Yeah.

Ah, you've been summoned.

You gonna be OK?

Need me to come?

- No, I'm fine.

- Hey.

Just...

You know, you don't have to go.

- I'm fine.

I'm totally fine.

- Do you see it? - I don't know.

What does Brian look like again?

- You're kidding me, right?

- Yeah, no.

I mean, I know what he looks like.

- I don't want to be mad at you,

but like, you could apologize.

- I'm sorry.

Oh.

Well, is this it?

- You don't get it.

This is my wedding.

You're supposed to be there for me.

- I'm here.

I'm literally right here, on a ladder.

Actually, I'm just gonna to be right--

- No, no.

Go.

- Oh.

Oh.

Oh, I found it!

- Wow!

Sam, Brian has a really nice...

- It's not funny, at all.

You're so stupid.

- It's really--yeah, quite nice.

- It's Hannah's.

- Oh!

Well, be sure to tell her I'm a fan.

- So what do you think about the jumpsuit?

- You look like a bride.

- I am gonna go call Brian.

He held office hours here last night.

And my luck, he probably found it.

- Ugh! He didn't pick up.

Ready to be social?

Come on.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, uh, everything all right in there, guys?

- Oh, oh, fuck yes.

- Jesus.

Oh, no.

Sorry, I just I didn't mean to interrupt.

I just didn't realize how communal

these showers were, you know?

- You don't go here.

- Jesus.

Uh, no.

No, I do not.

I--I Airbnb'd a dorm room down the hall.

OK. I'm sorry.

Have we met?

- I'm Lucas.

- Henry Devine.

- That's Nick.

- Nice.

Nice to meet you guys.

- Well, Henry Devine, how's your evening so far?

- Um, fantastic, actually.

I would--I would ask you the same question,

but I have a feeling yours is also fantastic, I think.

- You're in Rich's room.

- I am, indeed.

How did--how did you know this?

- Oh, dorm fellow.

- You're the dorm fellow.

- Yeah.

I kind of know everything around here.

So I'm actually in room 303, right over there.

Hit me up while you're here.

- Uh, awesome.

Actually, well, I'm in--

I'm in town for, like, just a short amount of time.

I'm here to break up my, um--

my ex-girlfriend's wedding.

But--so I'll probably be really-- just really busy, so.

- Hmm.

OK.

Well, um, let me know if you need anything.

- Good vibes, man.

Nice touch, Rich.

"Welcome to the dorm.

Do not forget to leave a review."

Yeah, well, it's what I do, bud.

Aged in concrete.

That sounds fantastic.

Mm, no, ah.

Oh, my God, it's like monkey ass.

Bad idea.

Bad idea.

- Hey.

Did we miss the French maid memo?

- I know. It's kind of tragic.

- I somehow made it four years without debasing myself once

in college, and now I regret it.

- You're Hannah, right? - Mm-hmm.

- I actually saw some of your art in Sam's gallery.

- Really?

What's the verdict?

- It was bold and sensual.

Yeah I mean, like, what's not to love about vulvas?

So.

- Well, thanks.

You're Sam's best friend from growing up, right?

- Yeah, we go way back.

We just don't see each other that much anymore.

I moved to Geneva for grad school.

And I live there now.

- Geneva? - Yeah.

- Woo!

Hi.

May I have a cigarette?

I need to go have one.

Cool. Thank you.

Thank you.

Pretty case. - Thanks.

- Let's go.

Come on!

Come on.

- Do you think I'm a bad person?

- What? No.

- Tell me the truth.

- If you're a bad person,

you wouldn't even ask that question.

A bad person wouldn't care.

- I thought about you the other night.

I was listening to a podcast on magnets.

- Oh.

- I know it's not like tape or anything.

- They're not that different.

- The whole episode was about why things attract.

- Mm.

Why do things attract?

- I know I learned it in, like, eighth grade

or whatever, but, um--

but magnets, opposite poles attract.

- Right.

- Now that I'm saying it out loud, it sounds really dumb.

Whatever.

It's not fair you're so fucking smart.

Anyway, it got me thinking.

- Are you and Brian opposites?

- No.

Exactly the same.

- Oh.

Oh.

That's right.

You haven't met him. - Yeah.

- That's so weird.

So weird.

No, Brian is, um, relaxed and easy.

And I'm...

You know.

- Well, I don't know.

What I like about tape is that it just, like, comes off.

The terrifying thing about magnets

is their ability to alter materials.

Like with wood and other substances,

all the electrons go in different directions

so that they cancel each other out.

But with iron or with other metals,

all the electrons go in the same direction,

so they have the ability to fully magnetize when

a magnet enters the field.

- Mm-hmm.

- I think love's like that.

Like, I think some people are more prone.

You know, like you're just going about your day

and some semblance of a normal routine,

and then the right person comes along.

Opposite or the same, it doesn't matter.

But what matters is that you find yourself

inevitably drawn to them.

And then you try to pull away,

and you try to go back to just being yourself, you know?

But you can't.

Like, you fundamentally can't.

- Sorry, it's Brian.

Hey.

Where are you?

Inside?

OK. Yeah.

I'll be right there.

Brian's here.

Come on.

Come meet him.

- I'll be right there.

- OK.

Hurry up.

- Stop texting me.

- Where are you? How are you doing?

Are you OK? - I'm at a bar.

- At a bar?

What, with Samantha?

Where?

- I'm not telling you.

- Ah, come on, Cancer.

Give me a little hint.

- A hint? - Yeah.

Just give me, like, a baby hint.

Like a little itty bitty-- like a little minuscule hint.

Like a small one.

- No, no.

- OK, I'll tell you what.

Give me--give me a hint that's so obscure

that the only way I could figure it out

is if the universe helped me.

- There's a red painted door.

- A red door? That's too obscure.

Hello?

Oh.

Damn it.

- Hello. Hey.

- Friend, question-- if you were throwing, like,

a bridal party, like a shower,

at some place in town with a red door, where would you go?

- Arcana?

- Arcana.

Arcana.

What is--what is that?

- I think it's a tarot card bar.

I don't--I don't know.

OK, of course it is.

Can you take me there?

Actually, you know what?

I'm sorry.

This may require a little extra.

Do you have eyeliner?

- Eyeliner?

- Do you have any eyeliner?

Do you have any eyeliner? - Sure.

Yeah. - OK, thanks.

- I love that.

- I know!

Mm.

You haven't heard how we met yet.

- No.

- This is wild.

So Brian missed his flight.

And he saw that the airport had a meditation room.

- What? - I know.

That fact alone is worth this story.

Hang on. - Don't forget.

It was Mindfulness Movember.

Remember?

- Oh, yeah, it was. Hang on.

You have something in your teeth.

- Oh. Excuse me. Sorry about that.

- Oh, there you go.

Yeah, so he came into the studio,

and he sat right down next to me.

- And remember, she was meditating,

so she couldn't see him.

- Oh! No way!

- Yes, they were shut.

I know.

It's-- So I--

I couldn't see you, but I swear,

you smelled like pine needles marinating in

an old leather satchel, you know?

- Rustic. - Oh!

Like--like fresh bread.

- You know, I do like to bake.

That's true.

- Like home.

And your--your energy and positivity, it--

it didn't matter that I couldn't see you.

- Mm.

- I felt the pull of you between time and space,

you know?

- Like a black hole.

- It was just completely magnetic.

- Mm.

Actually, you know, if you-- if you think about it,

it's more like a--more like a wormhole.

See, wormholes are speculative structures.

- Does anyone else need a refill?

I'm gonna go to the bar.

OK.

- God, that is so fucking romantic.

- Are you impressed?

I found you.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, hey.

Are you OK?

- What are you wearing?

- Delicious.

- What?

Could I have a double Malbec and a chardonnay?

- Is she already telling the story about--

- Yeah, crazy story.

- I'm sorry.

- OK.

- Hi!

I am Lucas, Lucas with an L.

- Come on.

Don't leave the guy hanging.

- Jane.

- Enchanté.

- Lucas is, uh, shadowing me for the night.

He's kind of my protégé-- - Definitely not that.

- My mentee--

- Would never say that.

- He does as I say.

- You told him how to get here.

- Mm, no.

It was all this, baby, right here.

Really? - Mm-hmm.

Fine, yes. OK? He's a local.

Listen, I have a plan.

I'm gonna read for Sam.

- Read? - Yes.

- Read what?

"Treasure Island"?

- Oh, that's quite accurate, actually.

- You have a tarot deck?

This is too much.

This is really beautiful, actually.

- OK, nope.

Actually, that's--that's bad luck.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- Why?

I thought death was bad luck.

- No, it's a common misconception for the layman.

That's more like about new beginnings.

OK?

- He just called you a layman.

- Seriously.

- Are you in?

Please?

- You guys are pathetic! OK.

- Why?

- Do you have your coin?

- I do, actually. Yeah.

Why, indeed.

- OK, heads, I'll help you with your voodoo.

- Tarot.

- Tails, I get to take your room for the weekend.

- OK, that's ridiculous.

Where would I sleep?

- I do not care, but I cannot stay with Brian.

She's staying with Brian?

- OK, you know what? Just--

- Well, if she's staying with Brian--

- Yes. - She could--

- Yeah. Just I--I--

- Sometime today... - Yeah, OK.

- Johnny Depp.

- Just, please.

Thank you.

You know what?

Fine. Deal.

Hmm.

- Whoa, that was a weird handshake.

- Oh, deal with it.

It's binding by law.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Oh, ho, ho, ho.

- For business. - Yes.

- I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.

- Thank you.

How many pillows do you have?

I like one for my back and one between my knees

and one for my head.

- Ooh, luxury queen.

- Uh, OK.

You know what? New deal.

This time, heads, you help me stop this wedding.

- No, I'm not... - Why?

- Gonna help you break up the wedding.

- Why?

- Well, not with that attitude, you're not.

- First of all, I'm happy for Sam.

- Stop pretending like this isn't tearing you up inside.

If you don't tell her how you actually feel,

if you don't do something, you're gonna lose her.

You know that, right?

OK, so heads, we stop this fucking wedding.

Tails, I will--

I'll help you confess your feelings to Samantha

because Lord knows you're not gonna do it on your own

because you are a beautiful little masochist.

- That's nice.

- Toss the coin.

- Oh.

Thought it was a bug.

Hey, guys. - How--

- Hey, Henry.

Is this--is this your-- whoa, what kind of coin is this?

Wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

Is this Etruscan or Sumerian?

Oh.

Oh. Hello, Lucas.

What are you doing here?

Do you know these two?

- Professor Moffett, it is so funny running into you here.

How do you--do you, um--

I just ran into Henry back at the dorm.

Do you--do you come here often?

- Was it heads?

- Because I can come more.

- Or was it tails?

- Oh, uh, I don't know.

Um, maybe heads or maybe tails...

- Oh, well. -In fact.

Darn. You know what?

I'm just gonna have to toss it again.

- No, no, no, no! - Ooh! No.

- Mm!

Thank you. Yes.

- That... - There you go.

- Doesn't count. - Yeah, of course, it does.

- No, no, no. We bet on the first toss.

- Yeah. No, The first one was inconclusive.

- That's cheating! - This one wasn't.

No, it is not cheating!

You saw it, right? You saw it?

- Yeah, it was heads.

I--I think it was heads the first time.

- I saw heads too. - Ah.

You see that?

Thank you.

- Fine. I wasn't gonna tell her anyway.

- Tell who? - That's lying.

- Sorry? - Huh?

- Oh, mm.

- Uh, what--what are you doing here?

- Oh, Henry, fun fact, is a tarot aficionado.

- He's not wrong.

I came to read for Samantha, you see.

Is she perhaps in a private space, like a bedroom?

- Hold on. Tarot?

Holy cow.

Would you--would you read for me?

- You know what the great thing about tarot is,

is that it can actually tell you

if you're marrying the right person.

It can tell you that--

that you are marrying the--

- He's not wrong.

- OK.

I want you to cut that in three.

- OK.

So good, Brian.

OK, so let's see what we've got, yeah?

Now, the first card represents your past.

- Well, goddamn.

There she is.

- Oh, wow.

OK, actually, Temperance is a spot-on card for you, Brian.

- Well, I mean, that's her.

That's--that's Sam.

- Well, I mean, Temperance is an angel.

- No, that's her.

That's Sam.

- Or it's Temperance, Cancer.

Thank you.

Brian, I'm--I'm sensing you're a very tempered person, yeah?

You--you rarely allow yourself to--to get upset.

- I did a personality test at work,

and, um, I feel no emotion.

- Really?

- Yeah. - OK, yeah.

All right. Great.

Um, so you don't really feel emotions, no emotions.

And you, um--you avoid extremes.

Yes, you avoid taking risks?

- Hey.

- Absolutely.

- OK, let's see about your present.

You know what?

Why don't you go ahead and flip it over?

- OK.

- OK, that's a little wild.

We were just talking about this.

Um, Brian, this is the four of cups.

And this card represents emotions.

- He doesn't feel emotions.

- According to this card, Cancer,

he does, latent emotions, emotions you don't quite

allow yourself to acknowledge.

This card is saying that the time for you to feel emotions

is now.

- Hmm.

- OK, look, um, this is interesting

because this card is traditionally

puzzling for people, right?

Because while it represents temperance, she's also--

I would say, she's quite the opposite, right?

But the point here, Brian, is,

she's been controlling your life.

You have to stop cowering like a sad little boy.

Listen to your emotions, and you will flourish

like the tree beside you.

But continue to cower for the rest of your life,

and you will never reach the cup of emotional fulfillment,

which is waiting for you at the apex of your spiritual growth.

You need to grab life by the hands

and stand the fuck up, brother.

Stand up!

- Oh, my God, Henry, you are so--that's incredible.

I can't believe it. Thank you.

- Oh, OK.

Oh, man.

- Ta-da!

Signed, sealed, shots.

Right on top.

- Thank you, Lucas.

- Hello.

What is going on? Hi.

- Our lady temperance.

- What are you doing here?

- Oh, well--

- Hi.

- Well, I came with the intention of reading for you,

but, uh, your fiancé took first dibs.

- Really?

You remember the last time you read for me?

The card said we were on different paths,

and you needed to go find yourself in Hawaii

while I got my master's at Berkeley.

- Well, Samantha, come on.

You know I have a very strong connection to volcanic islands.

And at that time in my life, I really--

I needed to take a step back from our current framework

so I could reevaluate my emotional needs.

- OK.

Mm.

I need you.

OK.

Hi, Durham.

My name is Sam.

This is Jane.

- Jane!

- And I'm getting married on Saturday, OK?

The groom's over there.

Hey, babe.

And I just--I need to cut loose and have some fun.

And we're gonna sing you a song about

one of my favorite celestial bodies, the moon, the moon.

- Fuck.

- Hit it!

- Hit it!

- Oh.

- Oh, my--

- There we go.

We're back.

OK?

Hey.

- Aged in concrete.

- I wouldn't do that if I were you.

- Perfect.

It's a bad idea.

- There you go.

- Ah!

- All right, why don't I just--

I'll just take this from you, OK?

- God.

I'm gonna lose her.

No.

Am I in a dorm room?

Honestly, it's a relief.

It's fine.

It's a fucking relief.

I'm just gonna crawl into a hole until this is all over.

Brian told me that he doesn't believe in free will.

- Well, to be honest, neither do I.

Free will is just-- it's like, it's fucking propaganda

for the fucking capitalist, man, you know?

It's like you can't control the genes you're born with,

let alone the random series of events that shape your life.

- Fuck off!

- OK.

- So someone did one fucking experiment

showing that people know what buttons they're gonna press

before they press it.

That has absolutely no bearing on the existence of free will.

People spend their entire fucking lives

weighing really important decisions, like who they are

and who they love and whether or not

they should tell the person that they love them.

And I don't believe for one second

that all those decisions are just made for us.

What?

- You need to tell her how you feel.

- OK.

I just can't.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You can.

I promise you, you can.

You just said it, right?

Free will?

All you have to do

is decide to do it.

- I lost the bet.

Why are you helping me?

- Sam's not supposed to marry Brian.

OK, give me this.

Not that.

You can keep that.

There you go.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- You don't have to sleep down there.

- Oh, no, I definitely do, Cancer.

You won that bet fair and square, you know.

Besides, you know, they say, like, sleeping on the floor

is good for your spine.

- Jeez.

Henry.

- Yeah?

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

- Jesus Christ, this stuff doesn't come off easy, does it?

- No, it doesn't.

It sparkles.

Ooh, my teeth!

- OK, guys, listen.

I know I--I keep coming back to it.

- Thank you.

- But fucking arson, man.

It's classic.

- Wow. - Too sinister.

Too many loose ends.

- What about the health inspector angle, right?

Like, we could have rats.

Oh, no.

Crabs. Huh?

Fucking crabs.

- A crab infestation?

- Yeah, it's very poetic.

Think of it.

You got these, like, a thousand little--

little spiky, little needle-eyed crustaceans

just shuffling around the floor.

Lucas, you could play a health inspector.

- No, thank you.

- That would definitely not work.

No offense.

- None taken.

- What about cyberbullying? - Ooh.

- I'd be really good at that.

- Um, yeah, you would be.

You make me sad all the time.

That's perfect for you.

- I'm gonna go out on a limb here and just suggest that

you tell Sam how you feel.

- Oh, that's interesting.

Jane?

- Yeah?

- I mean, that's on you, right?

- OK. - Thank you, Lucas.

- Mm.

- I can work on it, but I do think

it should be like a last resort.

- OK, well, why don't you

tell us what you have so far?

- Just like--

- Just say it.

Pretend I'm her.

Hello.

I am Samantha Jones.

- Sam, I think that you are--

I'm sorry.

- OK. - No, go ahead.

- Ah! Ugh!

Sam, for as long as I can remember,

I have felt that--

- Jesus Christ, Cancer.

You're just not writing a fucking college essay, man.

Look, you love her, right?

So tell her.

Tell her you love her, and you wanna

fucking eat her pussy every morning for breakfast

and have a million little babies.

- Wow.

Fuck off. - No--ah--

- That's unnecessary.

- What was--Lucas, what was wrong with what I just said?

- Mostly everything.

- OK, you know what? Fine.

Fine.

Guys, I'm sorry. OK?

I'm--I'm sorry. You're doing great.

OK?

We really--just try again.

- It'd be a lot better if I just

didn't have to say anything.

- OK. That's OK.

Then say nothing. Just...

- Look at her.

Like, let what you feel...

- Just like--

- Speak for itself.

Um, OK.

You know what? I think you got that part down.

It was very good.

Wow. - Henry.

- Very good.

Yeah?

- You know that-- - Yeah.

No, no, no. No, it's really--it's OK.

I get it.

Uh, actually, Lucas and I have talked about going to the gym,

uh, soon.

So we're gonna go do-- do guy stuff, right?

And then you and I can work on your declaration of love later.

- I have rehearsal in an hour.

- You're alive!

What happened?

- Sorry I'm late.

- You were smoking.

We were worried.

OK.

Um, you were gonna come back to the place last night.

What happened?

- The penis straws!

They should be illegal. - OK.

Uh, your stuff's still in the limo,

but we brought the keyboard down.

And you're here.

Your stage. - OK.

- Do you need help?

- No, I'm OK.

- OK.

- Hi. How are you?

- How are you doing today, sir?

- I am well.

Wow.

So many dead things in front of me.

Could I see some of the crabs?

- That's nice.

Hey, bud.

- Uh, so it is gonna be $79.90 per pound for the crabs.

- Oh, Jesus Christmas.

Um, yeah, OK.

I mean, fuck it. Yeah.

- So is that a yes? - Yeah, yeah.

Just get it.

Also, I might be, um--

I might be getting you, like, a little suit jacket

or something.

- Do you even know my size?

- I know.

You're, like, a 38 long or something, right?

- Yeah.

That--that's exactly my size.

- That's what I get for working at a Men's Wearhouse

for two summers.

- Uh, hey, Henry, I gotta be honest with you.

Um, I don't know if this plan is gonna work out

the way you think it's gonna work out.

- Oh, come on, Lucas.

My little mentee, my little mentor.

You think I don't know that, bud?

Of course I do, man.

I just--I also know that--

I don't know--

someday I'm gonna die, you know?

That doesn't mean I just stop living.

It doesn't mean I just give up on life, you know.

You're off the trial. What is the point?

You know what I mean?

- I never really thought about it like that before.

- Yeah, it's one of those things, man.

It's like, Sam is the moon, you know?

And I'm the lobster.

And she's--she's ruling my tide.

Just, we're in the city at night,

and there's wolves all around.

- Gee, I have an idea.

Why don't you and I break into Professor Moffett's office,

and then we can just look for dirt there?

- Yes.

Yes, brother.

That's what I'm talking about, man.

You feel that?

You're getting it, man.

This--this is the kind of shit

they don't teach you in college.

You know what I mean?

Ugh.

OK, do me a favor?

Just, um--I don't know.

Just--just text me.

Text me the address.

- Yeah, OK.

- Here you go.

- Oh, wow.

What's your return policy on the crabs?

- What's up with you and Henry?

- Nothing.

- I know you're not sleeping with him,

but it feels like you're sleeping with him.

Do you know for a year, I had to listen to him

talk about apartments that he found in San Francisco?

This is the one.

It's just a fantastic view.

Oh, it's fantastic.

Can't wait to take you up on the rooftop.

- I'm sorry.

It's OK.

Henry has a way of making everything

about him when it isn't.

And then when it is, when it actually is,

he just disappears.

He's gone.

Oh, my God.

You ladies were incredible last night.

I mean, right up until you--

anyway, Jane, I know you are a woman of many talents.

- Oh, I don't know about that.

- Oh, no, no, no.

Sam is always saying that you could have been

just about anything you wanted.

Yeah, OK.

Anyways, we really can't wait

for you to perform tomorrow night.

It means--it means so much to--to both of us.

- Yeah.

- Thank you.

Yeah, we should--

- I'm gonna--yeah. - Yeah.

- Coffee.

- OK, so it is--it's the-- it's the top floor, yeah?

- Uh-huh, floor 24.

- It's doable.

Dude, I should have been a quantum physics professor, man.

- Mr. Physics. Why?

Do you believe in, like, multiple realities?

- Are you kidding me, man?

It's the only thing I do believe in, bud.

I'm like fucking Scott Bakula in this bitch.

- I'm 20.

I don't know who that this. - Yeah.

It's amazing.

Great show.

- Where's the coffee shop?

- OK, so don't be mad, but we are

going to get coffee after we break

into Brian's office, so ta-da.

It's a caper.

- I love capers.

- Well.

- You're gonna regret not feeding me coffee.

- OK.

Well, wait up.

Jeez.

- I like anything with a brine in it, really.

- Lucas!

Hey.

- Hmm?

- Lucas, where's the lockpick?

- I didn't bring a lockpick.

- Lucas, I fucking told you to bring--

- You didn't say to bring a lockpick--

- I totally did. We had this--

- I thought you said--

- To me, not--

- That's funny.

- It's not funny.

- Oh!

- Whoa.

You are so attractive right now.

Hey, we're breaking and entering.

Oh, Jesus.

Really?

- Oh, OK.

So here's the thing about love languages, right?

Right now, there's, like, two sets of theories.

First...

- Peanuts.

- Forget being genuine, OK?

Women don't want you to want them.

You know, they want you to not want them so that

they can want you, you know?

If you want Sam to want you, you may have to neg her.

- Ooh.

I think maybe we could reword that for a better impact.

- Yeah, or we could just acknowledge

that it's fucked up.

- Hey, listen, Sam negs me all the fucking time.

And you know what?

That shit works.

OK, I'm not saying that I subscribe to that method myself,

but you know, I'm just throwing it out there.

I don't know.

Um, moon colonizer.

Or--I'm not a hacker.

- Elon Musk, 1989.

- What?

- He likes Taylor Swift.

Lucas, baby, you're my muse.

That's why I keep you around, bud.

- What are we doing?

Sam knew the moment that she met Brian that he was the one.

Like, the moment.

And her eyes were closed.

This doesn't matter.

- We can't just give up.

But sadly, there's nothing in this office

right now that's going to stop the wedding.

Look, you love her, right?

Samantha is--she's a words person.

She needs to hear you say it.

- OK, can someone just give me the words?

Because I don't--I don't have--

I don't know how to--

I can't.

- If you're not gonna neg her--which,

again, I don't personally subscribe to, OK?

I'm just saying it works--

then you're gonna have to go gold standard.

- Gold standard?

- You're not scared of anything.

- I'm not?

- No, I mean, say that to me.

- Ugh.

- Please.

- You're not scared of anything.

- I'm scared of everything.

I'm scared of who I am, of what I saw, of what I did.

But most of all, I'm scared of walking out of this room

and never feeling again in my whole life

the way I feel when I'm with you.

- But most of all, I'm afraid of leaving this room

and never again feeling the way I feel when I'm with you.

- Hi. Can I get a chardonnay--

- Uh, Malbec and chardonnay. - And a Malbec, please?

OK. Thank you.

I'll just take the one.

- And I need a cigarette.

- Thank you.

- You OK there?

- It's a warm Malbec.

Try that.

- Sure.

- Wanna maybe slow down on those things?

Just, you're chain smoking here, Cancer.

I can unpack that with you if you like.

- It relaxes me.

- You know, I don't personally see

what's so relaxing about your lungs

shriveling up and turning black, but OK.

- I don't see why you care.

- I think you know why.

Oh, Brian.

Brian's coming. - Hey, guys.

- Hey, Brian. - Sorry.

You can't smoke here.

- Oh, you see, I told her that. - No, I know how it is.

- I told her, man. Didn't wanna listen.

- I'm--I'm just gonna--

OK, listen.

I have to know.

I was up all night wondering.

What was--what was the last card?

- I'm--I'm sorry. What was--what was what?

- The last tarot card.

- Oh.

Um, mm, OK, honestly, brother, it's not really that--what--

what are we doing?

It's not important. You know what I mean?

Like, you're getting married.

Your future is fucking bright, shiny, perfect.

OK, that's not really necessary.

- The moon?

- OK, well, you know, the thing is about the moon, Brian,

is, it's--it's very ambiguous.

- No, no, no, no, no. - It doesn't really mean much.

- To me, it means everything.

When I was a kid, I was obsessed with the moon.

I-- I wanted to be an astronaut.

- No kidding. Really? You?

- But it is so competitive.

I didn't think that I could do it.

I mean, of all people, me?

- Oh.

- So after my PhD, I stayed in academia.

And now I teach parabolas to a room packed to the gills

with great inflated twerkers.

- Oh, gosh, Brian.

- Yeah.

- Aw, just--

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

- Fucked. - Oh, yeah.

System is fucked.

You know what they say.

It's never too late to follow your dreams, brother.

You know, sometimes you just gotta--

you gotta go up to that woman.

Stand up, man!

Tell her how you feel.

Tell her your truth.

Am I right?

- You have to tell her.

You have to tell her.

- You have to tell her.

- You are so right.

- Mm.

- Thank you so much, guys. - Yeah.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

- Of course.

You--you get her, man!

- Wow.

- Yeah.

- OK.

- Human lunar exploration is sustainable.

- You really pulled me away from our rehearsal

to talk about a fucking card?

You know that just because you pulled this card doesn't mean

you should literally go to the moon.

- Why not?

- It's fucking symbolic, that's why!

- I love her so much.

- Yeah, but what if it's not?

People go to the moon.

Elon Musk has thrown down the gauntlet--

- Mention his name one more fucking time, Brian.

I swear to God.

- Our whole relationship, I've let you dictate the terms.

- You've let me dictate the terms?

- But it is not fair.

Now, I love you, Sam. I do.

- Mm.

- But I am not happy.

- Of course you're not happy.

You're depressed.

- OK, I'm sorry. Is that like an act?

- Oh, my God. Go fuck the moon, Brian!

- That's--and then that was great.

- Jane, I wanna leave.

- Now? - Yes.

- But don't we-- - Can't you see I'm fucking upset?

I wanna go. Come on.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Go.

Go.

- Goddamn.

Women, huh?

- Wait, what?

- Mm.

- It's magical, right?

- Yeah.

- When I first came up here, I thought, Jane would love this.

- No, you didn't.

- Yes, I did.

OK, do you remember

when we snuck up onto your roof

to watch the planetary conjunction, and your dad got so pissed?

- Ooh.

Yeah, he kind of went crazy for a bit after Mom died.

- I'm sorry.

- Don't be.

That night was incredible.

- A shooting star.

Thought I could touch it.

- I thought you could too.

- I think about that night a lot, the way it felt.

Like I might go the rest of my whole life

and never again feel the way I felt that night with you.

- What'd you say?

- I just said about that night.

- That's Henry's speech.

- What? No.

- From "Dirty Dancing."

That's his favorite movie. - That's not.

I've never seen that movie.

- You're fucking him. - What?

Sam!

- Where are you staying?

- You wanna look down at your mirror like it's a--

like it's a little mouse carrying a piece of cheese

through your kitchen, and it's like, what?

They're bipedal?

Do you remember how scared you were of that?

- Because I don't know how you get it so close to your eye.

- Wow.

This is fantastic.

Who are you?

- Luke.

Lucas.

Um, you're professor--I--

I'm Profe--

- Yeah, that's great.

- Professor Moffett is-- is my astrophysics professor.

- Mm.

Oh, so you're Lucas.

Let's get this party started, huh?

- OK, so then you just

kind of go back to what you were doing

before the lady walked in.

- Uh-oh.

Shit.

- Ugh! OK.

- And I just think that she's the voice of an angel.

And she's in "Into The Woods" right now.

And I just think that that's wonderful

for the Bareilles-nators and the Sondheim fans alike.

You know, smoking is really bad for you.

Like, really bad for you.

Anyway, I just--I want you to know that

even if you don't know, I know there is

a support system around you.

And I love you.

And I know that, um--

and I just think that you're a great,

great, great, great person.

- Henry, stop.

Is this the tree I cut down outside of Boulder?

- Uh, it is.

Yeah.

- Aw, wasn't it magical that night?

- Samantha, come on.

- Aw.

Can I have this?

- Of course, you can have it.

It's your wedding present.

Are you kidding me?

- Stop. Stop. - Henry!

That's the best wedding gift anyone's ever given me.

- It's not--it's not a big deal, really.

It's just-- - Yes.

What are you talking about? It's a huge deal.

- You know, it has unimaginable power.

You remember?

You know.

Henry.

- Yeah.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Thank you.

- I forgot something in the car.

- Jane!

Jane!

Cancer, come on.

Wait!

- Yeah, I'm out.

That was kind of fucked.

- I appreciate you catching me, though.

Brian!

- Yeah. - Oh, oh!

Wait, wait, wait! Brian!

Brian! Whoo, whoo!

Ha! One second.

There were a lot of stairs. Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me. Oh.

Lovely dress, lovely dress.

OK.

Oh, Professor Moffett, I'm sorry.

Um, I love you.

Oh.

Uh, I love you.

I've loved you ever since you gave that lecture on parabolas,

and I asked you that question on polar coordinates.

- You really liked that lecture, huh?

- Yeah.

I knew then.

I knew that I was going to spend the rest of my life

spiraling outwards from you

like a fucking corkscrew through the universe.

- Entropy.

- Entropy.

- Chaos.

- I know we've been here before.

I know you know it too.

So don't do it.

Don't marry her.

Not this time.

- Lucas, OK.

- Yeah? - No, no.

Uh... Lucas, I'm--

I'm flattered, but--but you, son, you're--

you're my student.

- You're flattered? - Yeah.

- You're flattered. OK.

This is not flattery.

This is not flattery.

This is real, unlike whatever the fuck the rest of this is.

I mean, come on!

On a lake?

OK. OK.

Get your hands off me!

- Sorry about that, folks.

- Could I interest you in a little mint julep?

- Fuck off.

- Come on, Jane.

Just talk to me, please.

- What is there to talk about?

- Oh, I don't know.

Maybe how the woman you love, someone as gasoline as Samantha

just married a wet mop like fucking Brian, man.

Come on!

The man's a fucking moon colonizer!

And honestly, I don't see what Lucas sees in him.

Not a fucking clue.

Also, that kid is pissed at me,

and no one wants to tell me why.

- 'Cause you fucked her.

Because you're bullshit.

- What?

Jane, no, I did not.

I didn't!

Look at me.

Look at me.

I get that that's how it looked.

I really do.

But I didn't.

I swear to God, nothing, nothing happened.

- It's so easy for you.

- What is fucking easy for me?

You're not easy.

Nothing about you is fucking easy.

But I'm here.

And I'm talking to you.

And I can't help myself... - Don't!

Don't! - But I'm fucking falling for you.

- Don't! - Don't what?

Oh, I don't get to say how I feel?

Well, maybe you fucking should, huh?

- You're on in five.

You OK?

You're gonna be awesome.

Yeah? - OK.

- Loosen up. You look great.

- Yeah.

Thank you.

- All right, you beautiful champagne-filled bellies.

I think it's about time for our first dance.

Would you please put your hands together

for the beautiful newlyweds,

Mr. and Mrs. Brian Moffett?

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I feel like I didn't get to see you at all tonight.

- It was a busy night.

- Yeah.

You were so good down there.

- Ha.

- You were so good.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Do you want a sparkler? - Yeah.

- Everyone's lined up outside to see us off.

- Hey, Sam.

- Yeah.

- I love your face.

- I love your face.

- No.

Um, look,

I love your face so fucking much,

so much I can't even look at it.

- Jane.

Right now--

- Uh, I--

I'm sorry.

I don't know how to be around you.

Being around you feels like I'm touching fucking sunshine.

And most of the time, I don't feel anything.

And I don't know why.

Can you tell me why?

- Where have you been?

- I don't know.

- I'm married.

Like, I just got married.

- You only married Brian because you can control him.

- That's not true. - Yeah.

OK. - No.

- OK.

Well, what's so great about Brian?

Why do you love him?

- Brian is a good person.

- Sam.

- Yes.

- What does being a good person have--

- Oh, you're an asshole.

You can't just kiss people.

- I know you feel it too.

- I--I don't feel anything.

- Are you, uh--are you gonna come, hon'?

- Yes.

- I'm good.

- Seriously?

- Yeah.

You know what I could really go for right now?

- What, like a thousand little cancer sticks

you could just suck into your lungs?

- No.

- Hmm.

- A cheeseburger.

- Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Ooh, I love you so much for saying that right now.

- Let's get out of here.

- This is the kind of burger

that makes depression go away, you know?

- Mmm.

- Mmm.

Oh, fuck.

Holy shit.

Have you tasted that?

Oh, my God, it's a fucking game-changer, man.

There's chunks of fucking watermelon in here.

Mm.

- Can you pass me the ketchup?

- Mm-hmm.

- Thank you.

- Welcome.

- I feel like I should stop eating animals.

- God, I know, right?

Honestly, I feel terrible.

They're so charismatic, you know?

- I mean, how many animals are you eating right now?

- I don't know. - I could tell you.

- No, please don't. - One--

- I don't wanna know. - Two, three.

- Cancer, stop. Come on.

I don't wanna think about it.

- Oh.

OK, look.

- Hmm.

- Heads, we keep eating animals,

and we're terrible people.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- Or tails, we stop eating animals,

and there's hope for us yet.

- Yep. Thank you, keeping that.

- What?

- Mmm.

Actually, you know what?

That reminds me.

I think you should have that.

- I can't, Henry.

That's yours.

- No, that's definitely yours.

Cancer, come on.

Besides, I think I should probably

give up on the universe for a little while anyway.

- Henry, you can't say that.

- I mean it, though.

I don't know, man.

I--I just--

I think I just wanted it all to mean something, you know?

And honestly, if it fucking does,

I don't know what the fuck it is.

- Maybe you just don't know yet.

It just takes time.

It's not like--the universe isn't gonna

reveal itself all at one time.

It's dialectical.

- Dia--dia-what-ical?

- Dialectic.

- That is an SAT word I do not know.

- What?

It's like--it's like my tape.

Like, this one is way too strong.

I can't take it off.

- Jesus, woman. - I know.

- You're gonna have to cut your fucking thumb off.

- But then that one's way too weak, and it's pathetic.

See? - Yeah.

I'm kind of partial to this one, so.

- But it's not gonna hold anything together.

So the perfect formula is somewhere in the balance.

- Hmm.

Like the lobster and the moon.

- Yeah, exactly.

- Hmm.

- The answer isn't just one thing,

one symbol, or one person.

The answer is the process of discovering the answer.

- Wow.

Seriously.

You just blew my mind a little bit.

I love that.

- I have that effect on people.

- The answer is the process of discovering the answer.

Is that right?

I love it. I believe--

You're a little--you're a little full of shit, aren't you?

- Yeah. - Just a little bit?

- Obviously. - Yeah.

Yeah, well, so am I.

- Yeah.

- Jesus.

- Awoo!

- Howl!

- Awoo!

Are you saying the word "howl"?

- I did. - You did.

You were like, "Howl!"

Howl!