Original subtitles

La la, la la la la.

La la, la la la la.

He is the kind who leaves a trace of love in your mind.

Knowing his touch will be as much of him you will find.

When you awake, you know that it was all for his sake. And you're the one.

Another bet he's won.

See you next time.

Sandra, you lovely little birdie.

Oh, yes.

I remember you well.

And our first contestant for the title of Miss Beautybutt is gorgeous Sandra

Goodwood. Sandra tells me that she plans to become an expert in foreign affairs.

So really, Sandra, why go abroad when you can find plenty at home?

And can I be the first, please?

This adorable creature has a name to match her figure. Gina Kermay.

Gina is consulted in a wristwatch firm and with an AM and a PM like hers. I'm

not surprised.

Our next entrant, Julia Shorthouse.

As a simple but praiseworthy ambition, Julia wants to be a housewife.

And

finally,

lovely Angela Critton. Angela says she's resigned her job as marriage guidance

counsellor because she's frustrated and wishes to find a new position.

Councillor Pendleton, enjoying the show?

Yes.

Don't buy your eyes.

Oh, hello, darling. Now, listen, you did give Councillor Pendleton a good lunch

hour, didn't you? More like a quarter of an hour, I'd say.

Yes, but he did enjoy himself, didn't he? Yes.

Thank God for that.

Anyway, listen, it's all fixed. And here comes Mr Fix -It now. Big smile.

Good luck, my dear. Thank you.

Don't be nervous.

That £1 ,000 cheque was already in your hot little... Oh, David, I don't know

how to thank you. Of course you do.

Afterwards.

Well, you know what they say.

Whatever you get out of the business, you put back into it afterwards.

Oh, what a night it's been.

What a night it's going to be.

Now then, I wonder what my little prize is going to be.

You're a funny fellow, Pendleton.

He tells me he wants a bit. I don't mind a bit.

So I introduce him to a bit. And she gives him a bit.

Now, what has he got to be sold about?

funny feeling.

My sixth sense told me that a singularly unwelcome surprise was about to crop up

and it wasn't just my sixth sense.

My horoscope had told me the same thing that morning.

Yes. Mr. David Galaxy.

Well, that depends.

Are you Her Majesty's collector of taxes?

No, sir.

Splendid. Would you by chance be from the Social Security asking for your

back? Not exactly, sir.

You wouldn't be some beautiful bird's boyfriend, would you, come round here to

sort me out?

No, sir.

Good.

And then, in that case, I am David Galaxy.

And I'm Chief Inspector Evans of Scotland Yard.

I'd like to have a word with you, sir.

Yes, certainly.

Do come up.

Inspector.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's Chief Inspector, actually, sir.

Oh, yeah, how silly of me. I mean, one can't dismiss a lifetime of parking

people in the nick and then forget that one word that made it all so worthwhile,

can one?

Chief Inspector.

Apology accepted in the spirit in which it's given, sir. Yes, well, that's all

settled then.

Well, a right little way, but this promises to be, and...

Far be it from you to speed up the proceedings, but I'm sure you must be

the forensic laboratories right now. I understand perfectly, sir.

Besides, Godot could be here any minute.

I beg your pardon, sir? No,

it's all right. Godot.

It's a character in a play called Waiting for Godot.

That's why I said that Godot could be... And I was waiting for Godot, and... Let

me just forget it. It was a puerile attempt at humour anyway.

Would you come this way?

Chief Inspector, what can I do for you?

Oh, it won't take long.

Splendid.

Oh, please don't think I'm not acting like the perfect host, but as you can

I do have a vast and adoring public to attend to.

Can I get you a drink?

No, thank you, sir. This is an official visit.

Oh, of course. A policeman never drinks on duty.

It's been so long since I've watched them on the telly.

I'm so sorry it wasn't a bribe.

You're something to do with astrology, then.

No wonder you're a chief inspector, chief inspector.

With a razor -like mind like yours, you should go far.

Thank you, sir. It's not often we police get such sincere compliments passed

about us. Really?

I can't understand why not.

These are a few of the replies to the eager letters begging me to tear aside

facade of the planetarium mysteries.

and reveal the truth of the years to come.

I often look in the morning papers to find out my own horoscope.

What about you, Sergeant?

Oh, not me, sir. It's a racket.

Oh, thank you so much, Sergeant. I knew I could rely on you for a bit of rapier

-like wit.

It's got to apply to somebody somewhere.

I mean, somebody's got to be lucky or unlucky.

For instance, this morning, mine said... I'm a Virgo, by the way.

Make good use of your quiet, sincere Virgo charm to overcome cynical and

overbearing people and you will achieve your ultimate objective.

Promotion will be in the offing.

Oh, yes, indeed, sir.

You've got a very good memory, Chief Inspector.

Not really, Mr. Galaxy.

I mean, my wife, Gemini, they told her just the same thing two months ago.

No doubt, Mr. Galaxy, you are dying to know why Sergeant Johnson and I have, in

astrological terms, as it were, collided with you.

Eh, Sergeant?

There was an occurrence five years ago in June on the third inst All right,

Johnson. How do this?

It's only routine so we'd like you to help us our inquiries If you could tell

what you were doing on the 3rd of June five years ago, and we return if you

obliged Just a minute chief inspector What's all this about?

It's a security call vans Rob, sir One of the guards was killed and the fees

away with £350 ,000. I've been assigned to reopen the inquiry.

Very nice flat you have here, sir.

The astrology business must be in very good shape.

Oh, I'm... Well, I'm sorry, Chief Inspector. You've caught me on the hop

morning.

I had a very blessed night. One thing and... And the others.

No, I do apologise.

I could have at least not offered you a... Cup of coffee. Oh, don't apologize,

sir. It's a sign of weakness.

Oh, yes, I'm... Don't apologize.

That's a sign of weakness.

That's the one, yes. It was John Wayne in the film. She wore a yellow ribbon

he said it to the young lieutenant.

You could well be right, sir.

That painting of the weasel and the rat, that's interesting, sir.

Well, it is mine.

Do you think I've nicked it? Oh, no, sir.

No, you see, I once saw a weasel confronting a rat.

Stuck in my mind.

You know, the terrified look on the rat's face.

I told my girlfriend about it, and that's the result.

You see, the rat realized it couldn't escape.

Yes.

Well, good afternoon, Mr. Galaxy.

We're cool again. Come on, sir.

I'll see you out.

Where the hell are my diaries?

They bloody well should have been here!

Ah!

Got it.

Sanctuary.

Why pick on me now?

I would have expected them to when things were ever so slightly different

years ago.

That's when the fellas and me were collecting a bit, if you will pardon the

expression, on the sign.

of Luigi the Wump.

Luigi is completely grey, except for his hair.

He's come here to take back his case of money on the table.

But the aim of my game is to see that he doesn't.

Mm -hmm. Okay.

Still, who looks if the guy's thinking in the right spirit?

75 % proof.

Say, this looks like trouble.

Oh,

no. Now, don't go!

That cop ain't a cop, Shaka.

That's my old mate Steve, see? Well,

I guess if blood pellets are good enough for wrestlers, they're good enough for

me and Steve.

Steve's a great fella.

And now and again, and I do mean it now, we have a little fun.

Just for kicks.

Watch Steve in action again.

He enjoys his bit as much as I enjoy my bit afterwards.

It always helps to, um, overcome shock.

If you, uh, sort of unloosen the,

um, the neck covering.

Blimey, if you loosened any more, you'd be treating me for paralysis.

Oh, I see.

A little drink here?

Yes, drink.

Um, sit over there. Thank you.

Make it more ginger ale than brandy, won't you, David? I don't want a large

I did so hope we were talking about the drink.

Just right.

It goes.

It's a shock, isn't it?

Yes, I did warn you, didn't I? You see, you can't be too careful about shock.

You'd better sort of... That's right. Just hang on to me.

I suppose so.

Over here is what I do for a living.

I'm a doctor of astrology.

Stars and that.

Well, yes, the science of the stars.

What is your birthday?

Capricorn. Oh, yes, Capricorn.

Venus and Mercury are both well situated in your chart.

Until the 26th.

Yes, but there's some action arising here concerned with your relatives.

My sister's having a divorce.

Oh,

yes, and love is very much to the fore.

I should have been an actor.

Not a Shakespearean actor, though.

I've never been very fond of the old bard.

I mean, he's a bit unbelievable, isn't he?

Fancy writing stuff like, all the world's a stage.

I mean, if it is, well, all the bleeding dressing rooms.

Anne was fine, though.

You might say even full of enthusiasm.

I enjoyed it up to the point. You see, I said to her, no, darling, you on top.

And after that... I had this ridiculous thought which almost ruined it for me.

I kept on hearing a bus conductor shout, Room for one more on top!

Room for one more on top!

I think she went for the astrology kick.

It's more romantic being laid by an astrologer than a filing clerk, isn't

It's odd, you know.

A lot of people seem to think that people like me con money out of starry

ladies. Now this is just about as true as the Prime Minister trying to persuade

us that crime does not pay.

And we all know that the only way to stop crime paying is to nationalize it.

Christ,

I needed these two. I think Gaspard needs another complaint.

Good morning, Mr. Galaxy.

You recognize me. Good morning, Chief Inspector. I'm sorry I can't suffer a

little tate -a -tate now. I really must go.

It won't take a jiffy, sir. I'll handle this one, Johnson.

Oh, I'm in charge.

It was 8 or 12.

Didn't he do well?

I'll leave you two to chat among yourselves, I must be honest. We want

details of your alibi, sir.

Well, my alibi is quite in order. Take my word for it.

I'll leave you to chat among yourselves.

Excuse me. This is an official visit, sir.

Official? Well, in that case, I believe I can refuse to talk unless a solicitor

is present and mine isn't. Some other time, perhaps?

Very sure of themselves.

For the moment, yes. They all start their way, Johnson.

And they start a crack.

It's quite an experience, washing a crack.

Yeah, but if he's an advisor, all right. Once a crook, always a crook, Johnson.

Lunch with Susan Carter.

Marvellous.

It would take a sheer genius to dream up a disguise like that.

Mary Watson.

During my life of combating crime, I've suddenly realised that the more obvious

is the least discernible.

Let me guess.

Sydney Green Street?

Not enough kindness in the world, my dear. Not enough kindness.

Cary Grant.

Cary Grant?

No, I'm Basil.

Basil. I beg your pardon, but the... The bone's stuck in my throat.

You've heard it. No, I thought what with the dark glasses, the stick and the

limp, you know what I mean.

Or, for instance, the little Pakistani gentleman over there that's hardly going

to say, You are good gracious me, and long be living the turban in district

grounds. Can my eyes actually be clapping sight of Mr. David Gallagher

beautiful MP lady? We should not be going meeting like this.

Look, I have to go in a minute.

Listen, Carter tells me you're sick or something.

No, it is very important.

If I don't turn up for the debate and vote against it, we could lose.

And then I'd be in trouble.

It's just my luck, isn't it, to fall for a lady MP?

Hey, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you get a divorce and marry me?

You could still go on destroying the country. I mean, I wouldn't mind.

I really do have to go in a minute.

So let's drop the subject.

Now, I shall be in town again on the 14th.

And the evening's free.

So...

There you are, girl. Hi, David.

Come on, keep it on.

Look,

dear, you're just about getting on my kid.

Well, good for you. What did he say?

He said that was the bleeding idea.

My usual things.

Right, starting with lightly crushed ice.

Excellent. And now a slice of lemon, please. Preferably shredded and Spanish

from the southern.

Excellent.

And now a large pinnacle of gin, merely covering it with soup -sauce of

dramontini, and this time, not too well seen.

There you are.

Thank you. Thank you.

Cold fingers.

What are you doing tonight?

Oh, I'm going to meet Amanda in a bit for my psychiatric session.

Oh, she'll soon straighten you out.

Why straighten?

The last place I want to be is out.

Right on.

No. Lovely.

Hey, Dave.

It's time again, Joe.

How did you get on with the traffic warden? Did he score? Did I score? I

the Chelsea football team look sick.

I thought the performance was as good as the line. Did you doubt me?

Oh, no way, Tim.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Listen, Dave, me and the club staff have got an idea that's really you.

Yeah? Yeah.

One more time. Can I get a rest?

Come on,

Steve. I mean, I know you. What are you going to make out of this?

Oh, you'll make something, too.

And money as well.

Okay, what's the score? I've got to meet Amanda in a few minutes.

Just what else have I got to make?

You ever heard of Madison Cumming?

Of course, yes. She's a living legend.

The only girl in the world who's never had an orgasm, right?

That's right.

That's medical, yeah.

Ever seen her?

No. But from all accounts, I mean, she makes a Venus de Milo look like a little

poor, deprived child, right?

Right. What's that?

Cop this.

Besides.

Look.

Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Never came back looking like that.

Well, he wouldn't be short of disciples if he did, right?

I like it. I like it.

Well, how would you like to lay her?

Eh?

I'll make a profit on the side, too, as well. If it works.

Who do you mean, if it works? I've never failed to make a breaker safe yet.

Listen.

only found a book that you joined the other 1

,750 next failures she's had.

I say, I say, I say, I resemble that remark.

No, it's a bloody insult, and I'm not going to stand for that.

No, please yourself, how you doing?

If you don't leave it to me, I'll fix it.

Oh, we're going to clean up on you, baby.

I'll put a score on for you, too, as well.

How's that?

Look, the venue.

Well, I'd like it at my place, if it's possible.

Sure, sure. That's all right.

One million.

Oh, terrible.

That's exciting.

Look, I've got to go, sir.

Tell me about it.

When do you normally invite the lady with my left ear?

My first instinct is to scream stitches, and my second for a bad day.

But tonight, you've got a problem.

A problem? So what?

Well, a problem affects the performance, and a bad performance is a waste of

time, so...

Well, my problem, my angel, walks around in a raincoat under the name of Chief

Inspector Evans of Scotland Yard.

My problem, that is, not the raincoat.

Are you in trouble with the police?

Are you?

I don't know.

You see, he came to see me this morning and he wanted to know where I was.

Five years ago on June the 3rd.

Oh, odd.

Let's not let Chief Inspector Evans spoil our evening.

Let's get down to the problems in hand.

But, listen, are you in the clear?

Of course.

You see, it just so happens that I keep a diary.

So, uh...

Five years ago, I met this nice little old man in a pub. He was going to see

wife in hospital.

He got no transport, so I offered him a lift.

I've got their names and addresses to prove it.

So?

There's no problem.

What a handsome, good Samaritan you are.

Not really.

This wasn't doing anyone at the time.

Jesus Christ.

Holy mackerel, Lemos.

The gospel that sure I am spreading.

You bastards.

Come on, love. It was an accident.

He has some. Everybody farts.

Oh, no, don't tell me. I mean, everybody farts. But one.

You.

Darling.

Darling.

It's a lovely evening with you and David.

I couldn't really care less. I'm post -caring.

Oh, now, come on.

He loved this couple, you two. I can assure you it is.

My mouth opened and the words came out, didn't they?

What's the matter with my asthma?

No, no, no.

No.

It's just that... Well, I'm sticking.

It's a great pity that you're waiting.

Because, well, he's such a charming guy.

Oh, God, not another charming guy. I am...

of charming guys.

I don't know, Steve. There must be something else in this world I can do

from lying on my back with my legs wide apart for charming guys.

I know, love.

I know. I was only trying to help you, Millie.

You see, David needs reassurance.

He's my best friend. And when I told him about your little problem, huh?

because you two got together.

I don't blame you.

I'm feeling the way you do.

Mind you, a chat might have helped.

A chat?

Yeah.

Now, I know I'm talking out of line when I tell you this, but David didn't want

to meet you. Oh, didn't he? I know. No, it's not like that.

What it was was David didn't want to embarrass you. That's all.

You see... He doesn't care about much. It was your photograph when he saw it.

Now, he thought you had beauty, but it was your warmth that did it.

My warmth?

Yes, listen.

It killed me if you knew I told you this.

But he said that he thought that you had inner

loveliness.

Jesus, he sure got away with words. Promise me you'll never tell him that I

you that for St.

Peter's.

Sounds like a nice guy.

Diamond.

I wonder if he could help me with my problem.

What? I doubt it.

But it's worth a try.

I could fit him in nicely on Wednesday week.

Bless you, she's a saint.

Think of it as charity work.

Sometimes you're getting upset over a little thing like that.

Where's the sense of humour? You can't put it all down there.

Am I not staying here tonight? I'm sleeping on the sofa.

You really are a silly little boy.

Well, you're the psychiatrist.

You should know how something like that can deflate your ego.

And not only the ego.

My God, what a sight to see you getting into bed naked, so proud of your

precious tool.

Well, it was pretty funny last night when it went... Dedicated to you and the

only love of your life, your prick.

With my little stick of black bull rock, along the promenade I stroll. It may be

sticky, but I shan't complain, as long as I can have it now and again.

Flat is just a mantle for your dirty, squalid little life, and I've got to get

out of it before I get contaminated by it.

Hello.

Hey.

Yeah, hi, Steve.

Ron.

Well, I guess it took a bit of sweet talking, but once I turn it on, baby,

drop everything.

Not the odds, though, but I want to make at least a monkey out of this.

Five hundred, not a chimpanzee, right?

Okay. Yeah.

Charter.

Talk to you soon. Sounds terrific.

Steve had fixed up the contest with Millie.

Also, he was going to put something in the kitty for me if I put something in

the pussy for him.

Ah, it's my friendly copper.

Arriving as arranged, dead on time.

Dead? No, no, that's wishful thinking.

Peek -a -boo!

Good morning, Mr. Galaxy.

Chief Inspector Evans. Yes, Chief Inspector Evans.

Do come out.

Morning.

In the flesh.

Yeah, I think.

Here's your coat.

Thank you very much.

Please, Gertrude.

Come in, Inspector.

Are we waiting for Godot?

Who's that?

Your Sergeant Johnson.

Oh, no, sir. This is an unofficial visit. Ah, well, do take a pew, Chief

Inspector. Don't worry, you won't catch anything through your trousers in my

place. I bring a very high -class bird up here, you know. Sure.

Good Lord, it's opening time already.

Can I get you something?

That's very kind of you, Mr. Galaxy.

Oh, what would you like?

Well, let's start with a crushed ice, followed by some lemon, preferably

and shredded from the southern Spain, the large Pimlico gin, and covered by

smallest soup of dry martini.

Very good.

Well, unfortunately, my private plane is late coming in, and I'm right out of

lemons. And as you know, without the lemons, you might as well drink scotch.

It's not a bad anaesthetic for the early morning liver.

Scotch will do fine, sir. We're just the softest touch of tap water. Certainly.

I'm so glad you chose Scotch for three reasons.

One, because it's my favourite.

Second, because it's a very good brand.

And third, I've run out of everything else.

Ah.

Cheers.

Here's to El Cid.

El Cid.

I'll drink to that.

I think you'll find what you've been looking for over this way, Inspector.

I think you'll find this clears me, Inspector, at the address of the old

I was with on the 13th.

Let's hope so, Mr. Galaxy.

Why in God's name did you pick on me in the first place? Oh, just a high -up,

sir, not me.

They reopened a suspect file on the security call robbery.

Found a witness who'd seen you near the scene of the crime that day.

Hope I'm not keeping you.

No, no.

Nobody keeps the self -employed inspector.

You should know that.

Appreciate the hospitality, Mr. Garlickson.

We coppers don't often meet generous people like yourself.

Oh, you're welcome.

Call in any time.

We all have our fortunes told, aren't we, and we're kids.

It doesn't seem possible that grown -ups, adults, should take it all so

seriously. But astrology is a very serious subject, Chief Inspector Evans.

It's not material.

It's not something you can put your finger on like a little brown nipple on

well -rounded booby.

It's like a religion.

It has a basis for belief, but it does give them something to cling on to.

I can understand that. I'm an atheist.

Oh, so your belief is no belief?

Yes, I suppose so.

Surely, Mr. Galaxy, and I mean this with every respect to your profession,

surely an intelligent person... Excuse me.

Would you say that Adolf Hitler was unintelligent?

No.

Well, he based his whole campaign on the stars.

And he lost.

Yes, only when he went against the stars.

You see, he thought he was all -powerful.

When he disregarded the stars in the final phase and attacked right there...

Instead of Great Britain, sorry, as you were once known, he lost.

Tell me, when you give astrological advice to your clients, do you honestly

believe it yourself?

Let me tell you something, Chief Inspector.

When you called here the other day, the Sergeant Johnson, after you'd left,

one of the first things I did was consult my horoscope.

Jesus.

Well, that's not bad for an atheist.

Thanks once again for the hospitality, Mr. Galaxy.

But you won't be meeting again.

Yes, I shall have to find something else to fill in my time.

I'll check your evidence.

Yes, do that.

You know, there's a nice old couple, the Stones.

I only met them once.

She was very sick in hospital at the time.

When you see them, give them my love.

Yes,

I agree with you.

A great little mover.

She is Kate.

My old pear girl. And oh, what a pear. Tomorrow.

No, tomorrow.

Yes, tomorrow.

Hello, hello, hello.

David? Yeah, it's me, honey.

Oh, good, good. This is Anne. My hubby Eddie's on his way round.

Why, does he want to watch?

What made Eddie suspicious?

Well, I suppose it all started with the colonel in number 19 Erskine Road.

The who?

The colonel in number 19 Erskine Road.

You do understand, don't you, David?

I had to give him your name and address or he'd have found out about me and

Gascoigne. Darling, Gascoigne comes, if that's the right expression, as rather

anti -climax, if that's the right expression at this precise moment in

I think that Goliath Eddie is approaching his poor little Davin.

I did the answer to Eddie.

My savage dog affects me. Some growls from that and a touch of poofy acting,

it always saves the rough stuff.

No, no, I'm not a coward. I just hate to see my body abused.

Oh, look at the muck on here.

Shut that door.

Now, don't you be concerned.

I must warn you that, um, it'll encourage any hawkers.

If you don't stop growling, dear, I shall come over there and keep you right

your ornamental.

Um,

I'm sorry, Trege.

Excuse me, but is that a Mr. David Galaxy?

Fang!

Oh, sorry, Trege. I see that, um, well, Fang's far more fun. I think she's got a

touch of the vapors.

What does he do now?

Fang, now do give over. We've got a gentleman caller.

Bleeding hell.

You're a saint, Mother.

Oh, shit.

Oh, she's a journey's end, isn't that dull?

Hmm? Six visitors, just like the rag dolls.

Well, I've got a bunch of fives for a Mr. David Galaxy.

Oh, now, come on, supersonic.

Don't be camp.

Fang? Will you stop that? It's most unhygienic.

What if I am? He didn't come round for any of that.

Oh,

fang! We must get back to the war with this dog.

Oh, darling, sorry, dear.

Let's get on Australia's business, shall we?

Well, I'm here because... You what?

Hey, ducky.

Look, Mr David Gannett's never had his nuptials with anyone, Mrs... We don't

mess with Mr Inbetween here.

I forgot the new owner was coming.

Good afternoon, Mr. Galaxy.

Mr. Pringle. Madame, please, do come in.

Yes.

What an absolutely underwhelming surprise this is.

Witty, very witty.

I'd like to introduce you to the new owner of our block of flats, Miss Jenny

Stride. Really? It's so nice of you to call. How do you do?

Would you like a drink? No, I don't think, Miss Strider. Thank you, Mr

I am perfectly capable of answering for myself.

Yes, of course. I spoke without thinking. I do apologise.

Thank you, Mr Pringle. Like my late mother and father, I seldom ever touch

alcohol. Like me.

I was merely going to suggest...

Tea or coffee? With or without milk and sugar? Coffee would be fine. No sugar

and just a touch of milk. Ah, fine.

Something stronger for you, of course, Mr Pringle.

No, no, no, no, no. Especially while I'm on duty, if I could just have some

coffee, please. Ah, certainly.

Oh, I'm sorry, of course. When I said have a drink, you saw the bar and

I meant... No, it's funny.

It's funny.

No, I occasionally have a friend round here who does like the odd drink, but I

only use alcohol for medicinal purposes.

What an interesting flat you have, Mr. Galaxy.

Small correction, Miss Stride. What an interesting flat you have.

Do look around.

I'll get the coffee.

What a nice man.

Oh, a real gentleman, Miss Stride.

And that is really rather a beautiful table. I do so like antiques. Oh, me as

well. Well, I always have done.

Quinn, are you all right, Miss Stride? Yes, sir.

Is everything all right, Miss Stride? Come on, Mr. Quinn, we'll get a large...

Oh, no, no, no. Please, please.

It's just the sight of those two awful vermin staring at one another.

Come on.

No arguments.

Doctor's orders.

Well, if you insist.

Oh, that's better.

My late dear mother and father always said that if one feels faint, one should

take a deep breath.

My head is clearing already.

Ah, the coffee's ready.

Mr. Galaxy?

Yes? What sort of business are you in?

Well, I study the stars.

I'm an astrologer.

Why?

Well, I just happened to see that rather large pile of letters on your bureau.

Oh, that's just a few words of advice for my fans.

Oh, I'm so pleased to hear it.

Because, of course, you do realize that anyone carrying on business from my

premises cannot possibly stay here.

Of course.

I'll get the coffee.

The next day, a letter from Miss Stride appeared, together with Pete and an

unexpected friend.

I'll take your coat.

Here you are.

Come and sit down.

Oh,

sorry. We'll have a drink?

Oh, yes, please.

Remember, even 30 seconds.

come on leave it

There's the police, and now Miss Stride.

Why? Why?

Come in.

Ah.

Miss Stride?

Mr. Pringle, I want you to be perfectly honest with me.

Yes, well, I would like to point out, Miss Stride, in self -defense... Not

yourself. If I say so myself, I do my job to the best of my ability in my

loyalty to you and the... Mr. Pringle, I merely want to ask you a simple

question in confidence.

Yes, well, as I explained, Miss Stride, I do have the occasional drink when I'm

off duty, when I'm pursuing my... Didn't you hear what I said? It's not about

yourself. I'm perfectly happy with your work.

Would you please come further into the room? I'm tired of raising my voice.

How well do you know David Galaxy?

Yes, well, although I am manager of the flats, Miss Stride...

I do pride myself.

In fact, no one in my entire career could ever accuse me of prying into

private affairs because I believe in loyalty and the job. I can see that.

you, Mr Pringle.

Thank you, Miss Stride. And if there's anything I can do, please ask.

And furthermore, the Trust would like to be advised of any action taken in this

matter. Yours faithfully, et cetera, et cetera.

David Galaxy to see you, ma 'am. Oh, show him in. Mr.

Galaxy, do sit down. Oh, thank you.

I apologize for this sudden royal command, as it were.

I do hope it wasn't too inconvenient.

No, of course not, no.

It's nice to see you so soon.

Now, I know it's well past closing time.

But even my dear mother and father didn't say no to the occasional sherry

certain social occasions. And this is mainly social.

How delightful it is. Thank you. I'd love one.

I felt a slight chill stealing over me.

It was intuition.

It was also the Chief Inspector Evans' technique.

Jesus, keep charming, I told myself.

And I kept the smile. It was difficult.

What did she want?

Cheers. Cheers.

My flat, Mr. Galaxy.

It's so nice of you to call.

Yes, I love it there. Well, it's part of me. It's my life.

Actually, I'd like to pay my rent so far in advance that when I die, my coffin

and I can lie there forever.

Sweet thought.

A little morbid, don't you think? It's sheer heaven if you're Count Dracula.

Well, Miss Stride, as much as I'm enjoying this pleasant tete -a -tete,

must be some sort of reason why you've invited me to your office.

Mundane, really.

It concerns your friend.

How well do you know Chief Inspector Evans?

Oh, no.

I'm not Chief Inspector Evans of all people.

Well, he's a great character. Why?

He was...

Up here the other day, that's all.

Really?

Well, don't take too much notice of him.

I mean, he's a lovely fellow, but... Look, Miss Stride, I like you.

So listen to me, for God's sake.

You see, the Chief Inspector is a bit of a womaniser.

So don't believe all he tells you. I should hate you to fall for that one.

You see, if you've asked me up here for advice, as obviously you have...

I don't need your advice. The inspector... I'm sorry, no, you mustn't

inspector. I said that. He doesn't like it. He wants the full chief inspector.

Merely wanted the terms of your contract.

Really?

I'm off to the races.

Naturally, I only bet on the fillies.

Out, Ed.

I didn't realize when I got into my car and drove off that the inscrutable Chief

Inspector Evans was waiting outside my flat all ready to tail me.

Don't ask me why.

What do you think I was going to do? Flog my binoculars for the fad and skip

country?

Funny colored coppers.

I've always classed them as men with mental failures.

Never mind.

What was I thinking about?

Oh, yeah.

Susan Carter, the MP.

You know, MPs are on the same level as the police in a mental failure space.

They never give you a straight answer to your question.

You say, lovely morning, isn't it?

What did the MP reply?

Nothing so simple as a yes or a no. Oh, no.

He says, I have been asked that question before and I refuse to comment.

You know, if idiots like you and I didn't give them a comfortable living,

have another 600 odd no -hopers in the dog queue now, wouldn't we?

Anyway, I was looking forward to my day.

I would spend the day in the members' enclosure and the night enclosed in

Susan's member.

This is where being an astrologer comes in handy.

I mean, how can all those punters expect to win? For those of you who've never

been to the races, it's very simple.

You go down to the window, put a pony on your horse, and with luck, you make a

monkey out of it.

I work it out by the stars.

Let's have a look at the runners.

June bride by father, out of pocket, not bad, not bad.

Well, June, right. The first sign is saggy trousers.

And Sagittarius to you, which says... Oh, whoops, what I mean is off. Now

where was I?

Oh, yes, Sagittarius.

Which says some happy news of a personal nature very shortly.

Well, as I said, we don't back beggars' jiggies, do we? So scrub that. Now then,

what's this?

Tintillate. Oh, I wonder what he does after that.

Naughty girl.

Bury Me, Capricorn, Capricious, Uninhibited, Lucky Birthday the 23rd.

the 23rd. I'll have a bit with Naughty Girl. Good thinking, Graham.

and sophisticated, dignified. Every time we had it away, it was like making love

with an accent.

Oh, it's easy, isn't it?

I promised to deliver him some booze that fell off the back of the lorry. Get

him in?

He's lent me his keys to get in, just in case he's out.

Which he will be.

Hey, listen, I'm looking forward to this.

Well, I've never heard a blow -by -blow commentary before, have you?

Neither have I.

I've arranged for the club to be closed the whole evening for a private

function. Oh, that's matterly, matterly. A little bit of everything we've got. I

said just a few.

Have you titled out? Of course, of course.

The hotline to the unsuspecting boy. Just in case he's gone, we'll certainly

on extra backs.

Huh? Which it will be going well.

Nice one, Moriarty. I think I'll join you. Or by your own.

Yes?

Inspector Evans.

Come in.

Gentlemen,

do come in. I'm sorry you are in.

Can I offer you something? A soft drink?

Gin? Whiskey? Vodka?

Brandy? Cyanide?

A little early in the morning for poison.

So,

as it's not a strictly official visit, why not?

I think I'd like a vodka and soda with no ice, thank you.

You've got a nerve charging for tunics these days.

Drinks cost enough as it is.

Oh, yes, indeed, sir.

Chief Inspector. Thank you, sir.

Something for you, Constable?

A sergeant, sir.

Of course.

I'd like a ginger ale.

Certainly.

Feel free.

Now, Chief Inspector, what's all this about?

That's very nice.

Oh, yes, I always feel that the soda helps to drive it down, and it gives it

sort of distinctive and individual flavor.

Oh, I agree, sir.

It's quite a favorite with a wife.

Mr. Galaxy, you haven't got an alibi.

Hey, Chief Inspector.

The old couple?

The Stones?

It's true.

Look, it's in my diary and it's bloody true.

I've no doubt, says, there was an elderly couple living at the address you

me. And the wife was in hospital.

Well, that's all right, then.

What else do you want?

A couple of dead bodies can hardly testify to an alibi, can they?

You'll have to think again, Mr. Galaxy.

What else did you do on that day?

You must have been out somewhere with somebody, or in somewhere with somebody.

Come on, man, think.

I'll tell you what I'll do, Chief Inspector, yeah.

Well, I will think about it, and I'll call you tomorrow, perhaps.

I think we can leave now, Sergeant.

It seems that Mr.

Galaxy is too big to accept our help.

I'm sorry, Chief Inspector. It's just that... Look, the thing is this.

I'm under suspicion for robbery.

Possibly murder.

Now, come on, man. You put yourself in my place.

Mrs. Galaxy, I'm trying to help you because I believe what you're saying.

That you could be facing a murder weapon.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

You see, I'm not used to friendly and helpful coppers, right?

And I'm savoring the experience.

I'm basking in it, sir.

You see, Mr. Galaxy, you're the only suspect we have without an alibi. Isn't

that right, sir? Oh, indeed, sir.

Exactly.

And I'll let it start from the beginning.

You get your diary.

We'll go through it together.

We'll find something.

Go on, man. Get it.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

I think you'll find everything in there.

Thank you, sir.

I thought you said you kept a detailed account of your activities.

Yes, that's right, I do.

You don't, you know.

Look at these blanks.

The whole day blank, yeah?

And this one, sir, the current diary.

The current diary is hardly relevant.

What happens on these blanks?

This is strictly confidential.

So is 20 years, sir.

For the last years, I've been dating Susan Carter, the MP.

So?

She's married.

She doesn't want our affair to be made public.

That's why I've kept the pages blank.

In case that diary gets into the wrong hands.

And you saw her on June 3rd?

That's right, yes.

I picked her up in Victoria and took her back to my place.

Via Shepherd's Bush.

Shepherd's Bush?

Put your notebook away, Johnson. Yes, come on. Put your notebook away.

Yes.

You see, what happened?

We went there to pick up some booze and oysters.

You know what they say about oysters.

Yeah, well, this man in the bush, if you'll pardon the expression, he

his oysters and he's got nine children to prove it.

Suddenly you're putting it together.

Now, allow me, sir, I'll be very discreet.

As long as I've got her word that you were with her, forget it. The whole

is dropped.

A small libation of the road, you say, sir?

Yes.

Thanks, Chief Inspector.

Certainly, Chief Inspector.

I think we agreed to keep this off the record, no matter what.

With a murder rap hanging over your head, it would take a real coward to

you.

Yes, well, I think I'll just give her a quick ring and tell her there's nothing

to worry about.

I wouldn't do that.

I've met this sort before.

Now, you stay out of it. Leave it all to me.

Oh, excuse me.

Thank you.

Here's to the rat.

All we have to do now, Johnson, is wait here until I can say I told you so.

You think he will go out on the phone, sir?

Oh, yes.

You reckon we got his phone tapped?

He thinks he's clever.

The only thing with these clever clubs is to be just one jump ahead.

I think he's beginning to crack, don't you, sir?

I ought to, Johnson.

It's quite fun watching the process if you're a sadist.

I suppose I am a bit of a sadist.

Bloody criminals.

He's due for a spell inside his article, friend. Teach him to keep on the

straight and narrow.

There you are.

What did I tell you?

You owe me 10p. Come on, hand it over.

Was Evans really trying to help me?

Or was he doing his police concert party piece?

I wish I knew.

Hello? Yes.

Could I speak to Mrs.

Susan Carter, please?

Yes, I know.

Yes, Mr. Quilt, what is your problem?

Darling?

Yes.

Um, listen, uh, this is urgent.

Gee.

Hey. Oh, yeah.

That'll do the stairs.

Yeah, okay.

Oh. I'll, uh, attend to the movie, right?

Oh, come on, darling. I thought I knew it.

I don't know why he's blaming me for all this. He's got me on his wanted list.

What one is?

What's one?

Over at the bar and the bed. BBC.

Look, darling, I mean, the last thing in the world I want to do is involve you,

but... Well, if I don't, I mean, I'm facing a murder charge.

Look, Susan, darling, if ever I've meant anything to you,

could you, um... Of course I will.

I love you.

See you soon.

Bye.

Hi, David, baby.

Steve.

Yeah, we're at the Concordia, having a bit of a pie.

Hey, listen, madam arrived yet?

Not yet.

Ah, well, best of luck and... Oh, oh, an additional bet.

Yeah, an additional bet.

She never spends the night with anyone, right?

OK, so if you can manage to persuade her, there's some extra bread coming

way.

Hey, and, uh... Suck sex?

Suck sex.

Hey, listen, Billy's due at any minute, okay? So what we'll do is we'll give him

a little bit of privacy for about an hour.

There's no point in plugging this thing in yet, is there? Come on!

Hello.

Yes.

Is that Millie?

Well, come right in, darling.

I'll look at the main door open for you.

I'm looking forward to meeting you.

I felt like Muhammad Ali, must feel, meeting his opponent for the first time.

Except that once I'd put Millie on her back, I hoped she'd want to stay there

until I was counted out.

Hello. Looks as if you've got a great place there, if I get to see it.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was sort of drinking you in.

Sort of an aperitif before dinner.

Thank you.

I'll take your coat.

You're incredibly beautiful.

Camporian soda, please.

Cheers.

Cheers.

I thought a dinner for two might be more civilised than a quick bark from Fido

and then goodnight all. Who's Fido?

lives in there with his two friends in his little kennel.

And I've told him if he's a good boy, later on he can come out and see a

beautiful lady.

You are funny.

I love men that make me laugh.

Want to show you something?

You mean Fido?

No, I want to see how the stars are working for you.

What is this, a wake? It's supposed to be a party. Come on, drink up. It's down

to me.

Later,

I guess.

To the future. The future.

You know, you're not at all how Steve described you.

Really?

Hey!

Right.

What an artist.

What a neat...

That was a super dinner, darling.

I'm so glad I came tonight.

That comes later.

Well?

I'll just tell her his orders. Right, right.

Look it.

Oh, it's all I need.

Come on.

That's the way.

That's the way. That's the way.

That's the way.

That's what I thought.

What a technique.

If I were with him now, I'd be praying.

Praying for him to lay me.

You'll never go down on your knees, will you, love? I wouldn't be on my knees to

him. I'd be on my back.

I'd be on my knees after.

Right.

Okay, you got it?

Yeah.

Yes. Yes.

Now.

Now.

Oh!

I feel a feeling.

When can I see you again?

I know that you're still young.

What's happened to your usual bonhomie? Has it disappeared up your proverbial

whistle? I'm sorry, sir. I've come here to charge you.

Eh?

Well, why charge me?

Because you have no alibi, sir.

Come off it, Chief Inspector.

Even you can't go against the word of an MP.

And Susan Carter told me she'd back me up to the proverbial hilt. That's just

the trouble, sir.

She didn't.

I told you not to phone her.

I said leave it to me. I said I'd seen this all before.

You've changed the mind.

They always do if you give them time to think.

You'd better pour yourself a drink, sir. I think you'll need one.

You? Not on duty, sir.

She not only denied knowing you or having heard of you, but she said if it

to a case, her husband would back her up.

She's lying.

I know that.

You know that and she knows that.

You know?

Oh, yes.

I saw you leaving her apartment the other night.

You know I'm innocent.

My word doesn't mean a thing against her, sir.

What it boils down to, Mr. Galaxy, is that an eyewitness will swear that you

drove the getaway car.

Now, if you can't provide proof that you're innocent, the law says you're

guilty.

Look, um... Give me a couple of days. There must be somebody who can vouch for

me.

The oyster seller.

He's not there anymore, sir, I've checked.

But I'll go along with you. I mean, 20 years is a long time. That's a couple of

days.

Good luck, sir.

I hope you find somebody.

Sergeant Johnson and I will let ourselves know.

Hi,

you see what I mean, Johnson?

It's nice to watch crooks wriggling on a hook, isn't it? Oh, yes, indeed, sir.

Amanda, darling.

Yes, uh...

I'm in the most terrifying spot.

I've been set up for a murder charge.

What do you mean, a sausage?

I'm innocent.

Well, for God's sake, Amanda, listen to me.

No, don't...

Oh,

back to the yard, I think, Johnson.

My word, I wish I had all the money he's going to be spending on phone calls.

That's steady.

You're not the head of the Wandsworth Prisoners' Escape Committee just yet.

Be it ever so...

Hello?

Hello, Mum.

Oh, what do you want?

What? Well, nothing, really.

Well, I just wanted to know how everybody was.

Doing very well without you, thank you.

Time flies, you know it is.

Actually, Mum, I was ringing up to find out what you and Dad would like for your

wedding anniversary present.

I know it's sometime this month.

You're a bit late for that. It was two months ago.

Better late than never.

Come on, Mum, what would you like?

A son who appreciates his parents, that's all.

But I do.

You ignored Stephen's christening.

And when your brother Tom went into the hospital with appendicitis, he could

have died for all you cared.

It turned to peritonitis.

Look, Mum, I'm very fond of Tom and... You know that, don't you? You're ashamed

of them and you're ashamed of us.

You've given yourself a good education and who gave you the chance for it? Your

father and me.

Fat lot who care about us.

Mother?

Hey, don't say that, eh?

I mean, now you're hurting me.

You hurt?

I can't tell you how you've hurt all of us.

We never want to see you again.

Mum, please.

There's something I want you to do for me.

Why should I?

You don't help anybody except yourself.

Goodbye, David.

Steve. That's right.

Good old Steve.

Please don't be on the phone, Steve.

Hey. Hi, Steve.

Hi, Dave.

I've been set up for a murder charge. Hmm?

Yes, I'm bloody innocent.

It's a frame -up.

Well, it's just that... If I can't get anybody to ollie by me, the 3rd of June,

five bloody years ago, I could go down for 20 years, yeah.

I... Well, you would.

You'd say you were with me?

You're right.

Well, over to you. God bless you.

See you later.

Yeah.

Who is Steve?

Oh, I love you, mate.

Reprieved! Steve, thank God for you.

Suddenly I wanted to celebrate.

And when the phone rang, I thought my prayers were answered.

Want to know who it was?

Remember Miss Beauty Bust?

That's right.

Found her.

Like something a bit different?

You mean there's an alternative to sex?

No, you come with me, love.

Wait!

So I may go blind with it.

You're too lucky that I wear a glove here.

Can you get free?

No.

Good.

That's a bit tight, that one. A bit tight.

A bit restrictive, though.

It's very good.

Oh, yes.

Hey,

where are you going?

What about me?

Don't answer the bloody door. I've got an audience.

I feel... I feel ridiculous as it is, I think.

Bloody trick nurse!

What are you doing?

Is everything ready, Joe?

You're eating men! Bloody untie me!

What are you... Come on, now.

A few moments' time will see the end of your sex life, David.

You won't be able to go around boasting about screwing girls anymore.

Oh, come on, Christ, don't let me bloody go!

Oh, no, come on, I've been a bastard of me time, I don't deserve...

No!

No, not the... not the... Don't worry, we'll leave you enough of it left to

You won't be nothing until you wake up.

Will you hold it for me, Sandra?

And in your own interest, sir, I shall stay out of this affair.

Look, I'm a good mate of David's, Inspector. Chief Inspector.

Chief Inspector.

I've already told you I was with David on June the 3rd, five years ago.

You weren't.

I'm warning you, stay out of it.

It won't do Galaxy any good, or you, if you go inside as well.

What do you mean?

Perjury? We don't worry about the blood pellet scenes. Rumour has it that you

were in them. Did a very good dying performance, I believe.

You never had anything concrete in the galaxy you always had an alibi.

No, I don't arrest him. Somebody else will.

Do you want to keep him company?

Good.

The law wants the galaxy inside and to teach you a lesson.

You make me feel like a bastard.

You're a sensible one.

You know, you've suddenly become a law -abiding citizen.

You help the police with their inquiries, good lesson.

Oh, Fido.

Darling David, it's funny what people do for kicks, isn't it?

Don't feel too badly, and thanks so much for your part in it.

Laugh, you bitches.

You see, sir, you're in the laws of bad books.

You're a chapter inside those very hard covers.

Or at least you soon will be.

All right, Johnson, get him a drink.

I think we'll start with a crushed ice, then some lemon, preferably Spanish and

shredded and coming from the sun plains.

Give him a large scotch.

Don't take it too hard, Mr. Galaxy.

Prisons are quite comfortable these days.

Chief Inspector.

In the nicest possible way.

You're a dirty, lousy, rotten bastard.

In fact, a typical copper. Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Don't start writing here, Johnson.

Now, Mr. Galaxy, I'm going to do you a favor. Oh, don't tell me.

You were father Christmas.

You want to hang me.

That's more like it, sir.

Now, as far as the law is concerned, you're guilty.

But if you confess to being a part of the robbery, I'll eliminate you from the

murder charge.

All right?

This is blackmail.

And the aforesaid member of the gang involved in the Securico van robbery,

is now serving his sentence in prison, confirmed that on that day of June the

3rd, the accused, David Galaxy, was in fact the driver of the getaway car.

Thank you, Your Honour.

Thank you, Chief Inspector Evans.

You may stand down.

Well, I'm nicely sewn up, aren't I? All ready to be stamped and posted to one of

Her Majesty's homes for an expectedly retired layabouts.

Why not make it easier for yourself?

You can't be the evidence.

The accused, please stand.

How does the accused plead?

Think I'll do my acting bit. I'll extract the urine.

Guilty, my lord.

Is there anything you wish to say before I pass sentence on you?

Yes, my lord.

I would like to apologize to the court for any inconvenience that I've caused.

The fact that I was involved in this crime is something that I shall regret

the rest of my life.

The memory of my driving that getaway car is something that has haunted me

and day.

I'm glad now that it's nearly over.

Perhaps I can sleep at night.

I feel very humble, my Lord, standing in this dock.

Why?

God, why did I do it?

I just hope that I will be an example to anyone here who wishes to acquire money

by easy means.

Thank you, my Lord.

I shall now proceed to pass the sentence.

Will the president please stand?

You are found guilty in conspiring to rob a security corps van.

And I sentence you to five years in prison.

Taking now.

Well, I have a call from Miss Jenny Stride. She sends regards.

I'll tell her to you.

She's had to let you flat with somebody else.

Pity. You're so proud.

I spent cheer.

She thought you ought to have this.

After all, it is yours.

What, is it Christmas time already?

Something.

The compliments of Sergeant Johnson to Spanish for Southern Flames.

And no doubt you'll have plenty of time to shred it yourself.

Goodbye.

who leaves a trace of love in your mind.

Knowing his touch will be as much of him you will find.

When you awake, you know that it was all his sake. And you're the one.

Another bet he's won.