Original subtitles

Come,

baby, play with me. Come on, come on, take me by the hand.

You and me can go to some strange erotic land.

You will see that it's not as bad as it made out to be.

We can go, go on some magic coffee trip.

And I know we're into love and partnership.

We have seen what the pleasures of the world can really be with

me.

Come play with me. Take me by the hand and stay with me.

Come with me.

been able to gather any further information?

It just isn't good enough.

The whole party could be in jeopardy if this fiasco leaks out.

We've got to nip it in the bud.

As Minister of Finance, I feel the solution should be to change to another

colour. Change the notes from blue to red, or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It just won't do.

How long do you think it would take the organisation to copy a new issue?

Last month, there were over a million in calculation.

No, no, no.

The only solution is to locate and apprehend the hoarders. I agree.

Well, what suggestions have any of you got to make?

It's calamity.

If something isn't accomplished soon, heads will roll.

I believe that this is the work of an international gang, probably working

the continent, sponsored by...

You know whom? I disagree, ma 'am.

Take a look at this map.

Over the past four months, it appeared that the forgeries have been centralised

in limited areas of the country.

Pumberland, Yorkshire, and three weeks ago, Norfolk.

I would say that the organisation is operating right here in Britain,

giant network with various headquarters throughout the country.

I go along with that.

And gentlemen, do you realise that each operation appears to edge its way

further down the country?

I will guarantee that the next outbreak will be on the south coast, possibly

somewhere in Sussex.

Gentlemen, I see no point in wasting your valuable time. I suggest you return

your duties.

I'd be obliged.

If you can stay behind for a few more moments. Certainly, Minister.

Don't worry, Minister. My country will back you up.

You do realize

that the bulk of the responsibility lies with your department, don't you?

I do show you, Minister, we really are doing all we can.

I'm sure we'll come up with something before long.

No doubt about it. I've got some of my best undercover men full out.

Some of them isn't enough.

You'll have to get the whole branch out on this.

What about your key man?

What do you call him?

008 or something?

Regretfully, we lost him last month.

Oh.

He's dead.

Oh, dear.

How did it happen?

He caught the flu.

Oh. Nothing serious, then.

Well, who else have you got?

What about your outside contacts?

I have one of my contacts lined up. I expect to meet with him within the next

few days.

I am waiting for confirmation.

You've nothing more to worry about.

Well, please get on with it, ma 'am.

The situation is more serious than you can imagine.

I'll expect a report from you during the next few days.

I understand perfectly.

You may rely on me.

I intend to.

I shan't require you any further, not that.

Right. Good morning, Minister.

I'm telling you, they're both blowing the gas.

Yeah, there's not a bloody stick left anywhere.

They've even got a bleeding lock on the door.

Yeah, it's everything.

The machines, the plates, the optics.

Do I?

All right, then I'll come straight back to the club.

You're next, miss.

Coming.

All right. Now, come on. Give us a lovely temper.

Keep it going. Keep it going like that. Come on, love. Now, look at the

audience. You're working. You're working to us.

Remember, you've got a house full.

Now, keep it going.

Lovely. Now, you go here.

That's it. Now, keep it going.

That's it.

Keep it going. Smile at him.

Now, come on.

There's that bit.

That's the way I want it. Come on. Give it a bit more swing. More. Come on.

Right. Bumper.

Bumper.

Close, mate. Really close.

When I found her, she was knocking her hamburgers and chips in Oxford Street.

Darling.

But he didn't stop.

Well, you know the thing about you, Slash. I mean, you were a proper little

Gray, don't you? Well.

There's nothing to it, mate, if you've got a theatrical eye.

There's many haven't, but if you've got it, you're made now.

You listen to me, son, and you learn.

Come on, get your bleeding arses off of the wood. You're on, Nick.

I got here as soon as I could.

Oh, now, hang about, mate.

Can't you see there's a lot to each work in?

Right, now, come on, keep it going.

Keep me going.

Here, where's that other bunny girl, Rose? She's supposed to be on the left.

Oh, come on. Then what the bloody hell have you got to tell me? Like I told you

on the blower, there's carpet.

Lock, stock and bleed and down.

Well, we've got to be fair.

We can't have them two bleeding gits running around willy -nilly. I mean, if

someone else gets around on them planks, mate, we're in dead trouble. We're out

of business.

Well, supposing the old bill gets their hands on it? Oh, come on. Don't start

being morbid, Norman.

The law will look twice at them. Now, what we've got to do is get the lads to

sort out all the crooked fences and nuts. I mean, they've got to be on the

manner of something.

If they haven't got enough to take them further, Phil, then if they start

moonlighting again, it's going to fall in rounds right here where we can put

paint the rights.

Let me have a look at that.

Look.

They should never have done a bank like that.

Never.

No.

Oh, yes.

No.

They'll catch up with us.

Sure as my name's Morrie Kelly.

They will. They'll be on our tail before we can look round.

How so bloody ridiculous.

How do you think they're going to find us in this wilderness?

Now, look, Morrie. The plates are mine.

I engraved them and you've printed them. They're ours by right.

And will you tell them that when they catch up with us?

Yes, but they won't. Look, by the information on this document, we can't

far from there.

I would say at the next crossroads, that will lead us to Boffington.

Yeah, well, could we stop at the next pub? I'm starving.

My dear old friend, fortitude.

Once there, nourishment awaits.

There you are. Now, may I have a tea or some beverage?

I'd better have a cup of tea. It'll look less conspicuous if I appear to be

taking some refreshment.

One tea and a cup of oxo, please.

Get your ass mobile and come and get it. I didn't bring my skates today.

And there's your need for good.

Now. I'll have one tea and a cup of rock, so please. And I'll have one of

buns with ice.

Would you like a bun with ice, then?

No, just the one bun with the ice, then.

Yeah, seven, seven, five.

Yes, thank you.

All these buns that I sing on, and you can't get them everywhere, you know. Can

we get down to the business in hand?

Oh, yes, yes, yes, indeed, Mr. Podnos, yes.

Now, what can I do for you? For God's sake, don't call me Podsnapp.

Oh. You'll never know who's in earshot. Call me Q.

Q. Oh, yes, yes, I'm sorry. I do apologize. I remember that, Mr.

Q. Yes.

Now, what can I do for you, Mr. Q?

What do you think of that?

I had one myself once.

Beautiful texture. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. But what do you see?

Well, it's 20 quid, isn't it, Mr. Q?

Right, ma 'am.

But what do you see about it?

Well, uh... It's a very funny problem.

It's a forgery.

I... Oh, Jimmy.

Well, well, well. Now, that is beautiful.

I've seen some onesers in my town, but that is a gem. And no mistake.

Right. Well, this is very much on the Q team.

But the old country's flooded with them.

My department has given me the assignment to ferret out the source.

I'm very good at it, you'll be, I'm sure, Mr. King. I've got the entire

working on it. But I need your assistance from the other side.

I would assume that your contacts can be of great assistance here.

The establishments you inhabit must be a breeding ground for the distribution of

a large percentage of these illicit herbs.

I need your help in this area.

Yes, yes, I see what you mean.

Well?

Well, now, I believe I can be of assistance, you see. Now, I work with an

associate.

In on the inside, as it were. Now, I'll make my contact with her, and we saw you

can meet me tonight.

Wherever you say. Yes.

Be there.

Burlesque. 1130.

I'll be there. Good. And I don't need to tell you that the old thing is very

entre nous.

Oh,

that must be.

Yes. Right on, Mr. Podnos.

Zenon, you remain until after I've left.

You must be seen leaving together.

I'll see you this evening.

And another one of those lovely ice buns.

Why do you expect me to change that?

Do you think this is the Bank of Blatant England?

Shop.

Now, go into your chest, you see.

Hello. Ah, reception.

Oh, good afternoon, madam. Good afternoon.

My name is Clapworthy.

Cornelius Clapworthy.

My colleague, Dr. Maurice Kelly of the Paris Conservatory.

Oh, Mr.

Clapworthy, I'm delighted to see you.

I'm Lady Bovington, the principal of Bovington Manor. Oh, we were getting a

architato about you, you know.

According to your letter, you were due to arrive yesterday.

Yes, I'm afraid our journey was somewhat delayed.

However, our conveyance... managed the hazardous conditions of some of your

roads here, and, well, here we are.

Ah, well, I hope you'll find that Journey's End was worth the journey. I'm

you'll both find peace and tranquillity here, and that our treatment will

restore your health completely.

That, dear lady, is our devout desire.

We have some luggage outside. If you have someone, assistance would be much

appreciated.

Yes, by all means.

I'll ring for Mr. McIvor. Mr. McIvor is my chef de guerre.

Hey, what about the nosh? I'm starving.

Restraint, Morrie.

Restraint.

Now then, gentlemen, this is my Mr. McIvor. A treasure beyond measure, if I

say so. Good day.

Mr. McIvor, would you give Mr. Kelly a hand there? I'll handle the personal

affairs in the car.

You have come kitted out for all eventualities.

Any more hand luggage?

You ought to look out there yonder, milady. There's another one out there as

as that.

I don't know how you're going to get them up to the master bedroom.

Oh, go on, Mr. McIvor. Don't give us that. We are convinced that you can

overcome. It's not right.

I'm sweating. Leave her. Go home.

You see, you're thinking it's a lot of gear.

Yes.

Musicians, you see.

What can you do with a what?

Have you ever heard my friend play?

No. Oh, fat.

Good or bad?

Oh, good, good. In this case, it's his organ.

It's the original one. The original one that Chopin knocked out some of his best

preludes on.

Oh, yes. I give him a top line.

No more.

And he's away, like the tapas.

Mind you, we have to practice a lot.

Oh, yes, so if by any chance you should happen to hear, do me a favour, take a

listen. Don't worry, Mr Kelly.

I'm tickled pink to think you should have chosen dear old Bovington as a

for the arts.

You haven't got any other musicians here, have you? No, regrettably, not

latterly. My dear brother, the late Septimus Bovington, he was a...

Defunct. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

He was a tremendous supporter to the arts. Oh, during his lifetime, the whole

house was crammed to the attics with music and merriment.

Oh, nice. He left us all too soon, alas.

Only two legacies.

Oh. The house and Lord Rodney.

Lord Rodney?

My nephew, bless him. Oh, yes. A late brother's boy.

He's carrying on, thank goodness, where his father left off. At the moment, he's

in France with his ballet. Of course, I was forgetting.

You reside in Paris with your friend, don't you?

Oh, how exciting.

Rodney has probably played under your able batons.

And I'll buy you all the nice things you...

I told you to go see your chest.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Incidentally, I noticed you've taken this side of the bed.

I have, I have. What are all these documents?

Highly educational.

Very good articles in here.

May I see them?

Yes, by all means.

Thank you.

Oh,

my goodness.

These are the most interesting.

Oh, Molly, this is the one I'm after.

Good.

Yes,

I must say.

This I could learn to live with.

I'm glad you like it. You know, for once, Clapworthy, you've come up with a

McCoy.

Here, we don't have to dress for dinner, do we?

I think we should. Remember, we're in a very different league now.

I think we're a little off course.

Maybe we should have taken that last cut -off at the intersection on the

motorway we were on.

Hang on. Hold it. Jesus, I'm doing the best I can.

I'm sure we're almost on top.

You've been saying that enough for the last three hours.

Darling, I think this is just too bloody much. We've been creeping up and down

bloody lanes all day. If I see one more bloody babbling brook, I'll throw up. I

promise you I will.

I'm hungry.

You all had fish and chips when we landed at Dover. Big deal.

That was yesterday.

It was not yesterday. It was last night.

Oh, big deal.

Look, the sooner you get off my back, let me get a move on, the sooner we get

there. Right?

And as soon as we get there, we can all sort ourselves out.

For God's sake, be careful with that stuff. You'll blow the bloody place up.

Why, what's in it? It's my own special formula. I use it for etching the

There it is.

Told you so.

Lovington Manor.

Ancestral home for the past 500 years.

Oh, listen, Mr. McIvor.

Oh, the memories.

Now, whoever on earth can that be?

I'd better go outside and have a look.

Beep.

Auntie love, I'm home.

Lovely. What utter bliss to see you.

You were still in Paris, you naughty boy.

Yes, but I'll tell you about that as soon as we've got an impact.

Yes, darling. And you must ask all your little friends to stop to tea.

Absolutely.

Don't worry about the girls, auntie. They love to mix in. Mingle with the

guests, that sort of thing, you know. But there are new guests, dear.

That's just the point.

At least except two gentlemen who arrived this afternoon.

No guests, but I...

I thought you'd turned the place into a health farm.

No guests, positively not.

And consequently, I fear no money either.

Not for want of trying.

Success has not been as one envisaged it.

I even inserted a discreet advertisement in the lady.

But the only answer I got was from the two gentlemen I mentioned.

So you see, darling, however delightful it would be.

To have all these young people staying here, for me to accommodate such a large

party at the moment would be financially impossible.

You mean that Bobbington Health Farm consists of you and MacIvor?

I'm afraid so, my darling.

But this is ridiculous, Auntie.

Health farms all over the country are making a fortune.

This place having its place is like a license to print money.

I've got an idea.

Morrie, prepare yourself for a new life.

In these surroundings we can work undisturbed.

Peace and tranquillity will be part of our fortune.

I take it that the plates are not damaged.

Oh, they're as good as new, believe me. They don't make them like this anymore.

When do we get cracking?

Possibly tomorrow.

What about that MacIver chap?

And that lady, what do you call it?

You don't think they'll tweak, do you?

Not in a million years. They'll never hear the sound of this over that organ.

Yeah. We've found the perfect setup.

Wakey, wakey. Rise and shine.

Hey,

boy.

Molly, will you stop doing that?

Good morning.

Good morning.

I believe you must be in the wrong room.

Oh, no, she isn't.

We're ready for you.

No, no, there must be some mistake.

No mistake, no mistake.

Are you coming?

Yes. Oh, no, you're not. Now, we're here for the cure, you know.

But we are the cure.

Oh, if I... Oh, I knew there had to be something more than nuts and cold water.

No, you're not. This is most irregular.

Here, perhaps they're part of the treatment.

Ridiculous. Will you please leave our room immediately?

Uh -uh. Come on, girls. Let's get them.

Oh, my goodness.

I can't stand all of this.

Oh, my goodness.

Get me out of here, darling.

I can't stand it. I can't.

Something I can do for you, John?

Oh, I'm looking for a gentleman.

No gentleman in here.

It's all crumpet.

Crumpet?

Crumpet.

Oh, you misunderstand me. I have to meet a business associate here for drinks.

Oh, yes?

Come on.

I'll find you a bottle from the payroll. Oh, thank you.

Very nice of you.

Sit yourself down.

You've got a nice view of the stage.

I'm sure you don't fancy a couple of birds. Oh, no, thank you. I just wait

for my friend, if you don't mind. You've got some lovely talent. Oh, no, thank

you. Thank you.

I'm all right. Thank you. Sit yourself.

Luigi.

Bottles of my way for the gentleman.

Good evening, Mr. Chew.

Couldn't you have chosen a more secluded place than here? You've got to realize

we're on very secretive work.

Oh, don't worry, Mr. Chew. In this business, you can be very safe in this

environment. You see, the patrons are more interested in the prevailing

I see your point.

About the business.

Yes. When do we meet with your associates?

Ah, yes.

Yes, now that's a good question.

Good question.

Any minute now. She works here as a hostess.

Here? Yes.

Are you mad?

No, I'm hardly mad, Mr. King.

We're better to infiltrate the crevices of the mobs, huh?

Now, she's my inside man, as it were. Now, I've made my presence known, and

she'll come over, and you'll be expected to meet like you fancy her, so to

speak. Fancy her?

But I can't do that.

I'm a married man of 20 years.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well... Pretend to fancy it.

Suspicious. I would have thought it's art in my line of country. I would have

thought it... May we sit down?

Oh, yes, please do.

Make yourself comfortable.

This is my friend, Mr.

Q. This is Christina, I was telling you about.

Delighted to meet you, my dear. I hope you will join us in some refreshment.

love to.

I take it our colleague here has given you the relative information regarding

our assignment.

Yes, to a point.

It's all very undercover, you realise.

Of course.

Mr Nosegay has acquainted me with your talents.

Really? Oh, I mean your talents regarding yourself

as an agent.

I'm your girl.

Capital. We believe.

that a large proportion of the counterfeit notes can possibly be passed

places such as this.

We want you to keep your eyes peeled.

And if you notice anything out of the order being passed, contact knows being

here immediately.

He is in constant contact with me.

Yes, but what am I to look for exactly?

I mean, how am I meant to distinguish between the darts and the real thing?

very little, I'm afraid.

One of the most remarkable examples of engraving I've seen in many a day.

Its only defect is the highlight in Her Majesty's left eye.

Goodness me.

It's perfect.

Regrettably, nearly so.

Nevertheless, we'll get the scoundrels.

Very few villains have slipped past me. By Jove, I can tell you.

I can tell that just by looking at you.

Let's drink to the success of our mission.

Success.

Well, I've enjoyed our brief meeting. I hope we shall meet again in the near

future. No escape, keep in contact.

Yes. Close contact.

Until we meet again.

Goodbye.

Thank you. Thank you, Father. I'm awfully sorry.

Oh, that's quite a welcome, ain't he?

Don't worry. You're very nice. Thank you very much.

Oh, there's my boyfriend.

You don't need me anymore, do you? I was going on my living.

Yes, that's right, love. You're going to attend to his every need.

And the best of luck.

I love you.

Hey, Norman. Had a good day? No.

They can see you're out of town and must have lost its way. Come home last,

dancing on three knees.

The problem with you, mate, is you don't study.

If you want to get anywhere, you've got to study.

Love the show, John, and don't forget to have it all out. John Billy's wearing

the records, a very good evening to you, and welcome, and it's smoky. We've seen

it before tonight, folks. Now we're going to hear it again when I do a 50th

singing song. Oh, I tell you all.

Now, here's one. What about this, Norman?

Remover tomorrow at 3 .30.

Could be.

We'll set you last time now, Brighton.

Look at that bleeding horse up there.

Who put Terry?

She'd be better off with a bleeding saddle on.

Ha!

Look at the goat she's got, mate. She wouldn't be much of a ride either.

Oh, for Christ's sake, pal. Tomorrow, mate, she'll put the puntus off a woman.

Now, what about it, Norman?

Can I have a go on Ramona?

I'm having half a hundred on the nose.

Yeah, I'll have a monkey on the neck.

I'd like a flutter if you think it's going to chance.

I know you and your bleeding butters.

The last time you fluttered, mate, I never saw the colour of the goat.

If you want on, put your money where your mouth is.

Now, what do you want on it?

Oh.

You'll be all right tonight.

Right. Put your pound on the note.

I want to go home.

Oh, they're killing us.

Morris, enough is enough.

In any case, we haven't any more money to go further afield.

And remember our purpose here.

I know the purpose.

If I have to go through that bashing every day, we never live to spend it.

got to stick it out.

What's the matter with you?

Oh, so do you. If you want to stay, you stay.

I'm getting back to civilization.

Here, Murray, come back.

How do you think you're going?

It's great to be here.

There never ever could be anywhere else for a week.

This is where we want to be.

Here enjoying ourselves.

It wouldn't be right to go on criticising anywhere

nice as this.

There is such great happiness here for everyone.

We're getting free exercise.

No bread on this side is good for us.

We're beginning to feel that this is a real Shangri -La.

There's nothing on earth would ever make us try.

so well -winded and dimed, it's great to be here.

It's great to be here.

There never ever could be anywhere else for a week.

This is where we want to be.

Here enjoying ourselves.

It wouldn't be right to go on criticizing anywhere nice

as this.

There is such great happiness.

Here for everyone.

We're getting free exercise.

No bread on this pie.

It's good for us.

We are beginning to feel that this is a real Shangri -La.

There's nothing on earth will ever make us try to leave all our friends

behind.

When we're so well, why not?

Hello. Baddington Manor.

Week of the 31st. Week of the 31st.

Yes, I think I can fit you in with a double room for that date.

Will you be taking the full course?

Oh, yes, we include colonic irrigation when requested.

Oh, certainly.

Our young ladies handle all the treatments.

Oh, thank you. That would be most gracious of you. A slight deposit would

much appreciated.

Well, thank you again.

Goodbye.

What the hell is colonic irritation, Mr. McAdrill? I haven't the fuck asked,

have you?

Oh, I. Colonic irritation.

I can it well.

It's... There's nothing to it. It's a kind of foot massage.

Very beneficial for the patients who have to take brisk early morning walks.

I see.

Good morning, miss.

I'm due here.

It says on the card.

Oh, yes.

You're down for our 2 .30 appointment.

Would you like to take off your gown and go and lie on your tummy over on the

couch? Right you are.

Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you.

Is that really necessary? I mean... You're down for irrigation, aren't you?

yes. Well, actually, I've got, you see, an ache across my shoulder here, and the

ladyship outside said it would be good.

So I came along.

Oh, I suppose it might help. Now, Mr. Benjamin, no need to be shy off with

No, I don't suppose it is, really, is there? I mean... Nothing to worry about.

I mean, you know, you've seen it all before, haven't you? I mean... Oh, yes.

We'll give you a little massage first. That'll relax you.

My first time here, you know.

No need to worry. I recommend that I come along because... Oh, we'll sort you

out. Oh, thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. Oh, tell me. Beautiful.

Oh, I

never dreamed it would be like this.

Oh,

this is irrigation.

Give me more.

Give me more, more, more.

Oh, more.

Please, please.

Oh, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop.

No, I won't, Mr. Benjamin.

There. There was nothing to worry about, was there? No, not at all, not at all,

nothing at all. Oh, yes, I like that, I like that.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Oh, yes.

Mr.

Benjamin, you are hard.

Your corpuscles really need...

thing. Yes? Oh, yes. Yes, I do, don't I? Yes, yes, yes.

Keep it going. Keep it going.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

You're much more relaxed now, aren't you?

Oh, yes, yes. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, good.

Now for irrigation.

Well, I thought that was it.

Irrigation. It's not irrigation.

Oh, no, Mr. Benjamin.

Charming lady, charming lady.

Irrigation, irrigation.

Now this, Mr. Benjamin, is irrigation.

This is the gas.

That's what I call bleating class.

What do you think, Chris?

Well, it looks all right from the outside.

Where the hell do we want to come all this way just for a weekend, then?

I'd have rather gone to Brighton. You've got no appreciation of bloody beauty,

have you? You can't see this sort of scenery down south.

Last time we was at Brighton, all we saw was the bleating water.

Come on, let's go inside.

May I be of assistance to you? Yes, son.

We've booked reservations.

Blitz the name.

Norman Blitz.

You'll be needed over yon to sign the reservation.

Have you any other baggage with you?

Oh, yes.

The rest of it's outside in the Mercedes.

You can't miss it. It's the only one there. I'd attend to that for you. You'd

better go over to yon desk and meet her ladyship. Oh, her ladyship. Oh, yes.

Come on, Chris.

You'll find some luggage out there in the Mercedes.

Can I help you? Oh, yes, madam. We've made reservations.

Blitz the name. Norman Blitz. Blitz.

Here we are.

Welcome to Farrington Hall, Mr. Bliss.

We have the most delightful rooms for you. Thank you.

Rooms? I only booked one.

Oh, yes, I do apologize about that. All our doubles were fully booked. However,

I'm sure you'll find these reservations extremely comfortable.

Delightful views over the grouse moors.

Jesus Christ.

It's a pity you're only staying for the long weekend.

However, not to worry. We at Bovington can work wonders in a minimal space of

time.

Can't wait.

Now, these are two of our young ladies, Josie and Tess. I tell you what I

suggest. As you can only stay here for such a very short time, I suggest Tess

and Josie conduct you to the baths as soon as you're ready.

Soon as the better, eh? Can't wait to take you a few pounds off.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What the hell are you doing here? God, I don't believe it. I thought you were

still in Paris.

Anyway, what's wrong with what am I doing here? What the hell are you doing

here, you bastard?

Last time I saw you was in Newcastle, when you met me with nothing but a

paste engagement ring.

My whole time was a fun in the oven.

You weren't preggers, were you, darling?

Well, no. It was no thanks to you.

Darling.

Darling, let me explain.

Forget it. If it hadn't been for me bumping into a very old friend of mine,

I met while I landed up there with no cash and waiting for you, I could have

been stuck up there forever.

Pet, really, I didn't mean it.

I was dropped right in the cart. You know, I was supposed to come back to

England from Paris the week after I left for Newcastle. Well, that shit of a

partner of mine ducked off in the middle of the night, left me stranded with the

six girls I took over for a strip club engagement.

Apart from them, all I had was a bloody bus.

We'd sell everything, all our resources, just to get back to England.

What are you doing here? I mean, surely they don't have strip shows here.

My aunt owns the manor. What? That old woman? Lady whatever her name is?

Right.

The place is a shambles. We may eventually manage to make it here.

But I've turned it into what it is now.

And what about the birds?

They're the staff.

Them and some poor old son of Cole McIver.

And as you can see, it's all happening.

Where do I come in?

Well, where we left off, if you want.

You know something, Rodney? You have to be the most complete and utter bastard

of the very first order.

You see, nothing's changed.

And you still fancy me, don't you?

Give yourself a chance to find out.

Look, I can't go away now. I've got to go and take care of reception.

But keep yourself open for this evening.

Do you know the number of my room?

Don't need it. Won't be necessary.

There are certain things happening tonight.

I'll be at the pool at 12 o 'clock.

The pool?

You must be joking.

Surely we must be past having it away on the concrete by now, aren't we? It

won't be like that. Just make sure you're there, and the rest I'll take

I can imagine. I've been involved with your bright ideas before, remember?

Ooh la la la, ooh la pretty girl.

T is for the pouch and lips that make me want to kiss you.

R is for the rainbow that is mansion in your eyes.

E is for the ever pleasant smile that wipes your face out.

T is for the tenderness and love that never dies.

Pretty girl.

You got a bit of a grip there, haven't you?

And you're a strong little girl, aren't you?

I can't understand why my brother ever suggested that I have one of these.

That's not a bad idea, I suppose.

Totem poles, eh?

Well, what do you mean by that?

Totem... Yes,

hi, hi, hi.

Hi there.

Well, that sure is fun, I'll tell you. Young lady, I'll recommend you any day

the week.

Most unusual.

I've never quite come across that.

It's better than pinochle, I'll tell you that.

And more fun, too.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I'm looking forward to this.

I hope you've got strong hands.

Oh, don't worry for that.

I could do with some rough handling today.

Just relax.

Where did you learn?

Oh, I had a good training in Paris. I was trained for a few months there. And

did quite a lot of massage.

Paris. Paris, France. Oh, happy memories.

Yes. Have you been there?

Many, many, many times.

Oh, that's beautiful.

That's beautiful.

Real life.

I am. I am.

I'm going to be asleep.

Corridor over there.

Hey, what's been the matter with you these past few days?

Nothing at all, why?

Come on girls.

Incognito.

What's your bleeding, sir? Nothing.

And you're taking the result?

First off, I'll give you a right hand now. Oh, dear.

God in the world, lovely grub. Two plates of grub. Could you give me a

water, please? Well, he's only made his nose happy. I'll tell you what he can

have. He can have a nice cup of that.

Oh, no.

It's not Peter, eh? We thought what you knew in here, eh, darling?

Ladies' toilets round the corner, eh? Yeah, we're going.

What have you got in your bag?

Keep your knitting in there, do you? Do you mind not speaking to me like that?

Oh, you're getting a bit marked, you see. What, you're going through your

of life then, darling? Would you mind keeping your salacious remarks for

of your own ilk?

Salacious, eh? That's a big word for a little girl. You cretin!

How dare you speak to me like that? You ought to be in uniform.

Two years' discipline would do you good.

We'll put some mothers into you.

Listen here, if you don't keep that big cake all yours, you're going to get my

fist in it, see? Don't you dare touch me. I'll have a lot on you. She's in

her life.

I reckon we ought to wrap her up. Don't you dare touch me.

Here, let's get after the little bastard. Now come to me, old bride,

the place to make you smile.

We're glad you came to see our show and laugh with us a while as you sit there

in the sun.

and listen to our puns. You'll know there's no place to cry.

Tend to have a bit of fun. Now, are you all enjoying yourselves?

Yes! Are you all enjoying yourselves?

Yes!

Welcome. Thank you.

Just a minute. Just a minute.

Charming. Well, there's no answer to that.

Sodding hell's he got.

He must have had it away a bit sharp. He's down the other end of the pier.

We'll never find him in that crowd.

Here, sir.

The mystery's arrived.

It's arrived. Look, come here.

Have him try. Yes, keep him inside.

Madam Reader.

Madam Reader. Come on. What are we going to do now, then?

Tell you what. Let's go and give that bastard of a comedian a bit of a go, eh?

Yeah, good idea.

Now, what's it going to...

Because I've got the fluence to use the ball.

Mind it!

Shut up, you silly bugger.

I'm sorry, sir.

Now, what's it going to be? The ball, the card or the end? Well, whatever you

suggest. Oh, I am glad you said that, sir.

Because looking at you, I'd say the end. With a little bit of the ball thrown

in. But I must tell you, in all things, the end is a little bit...

Why, it says outside the entire reading for one, pal.

Oh, you're dead right on that score, sir. Of course, being a rowdy, you've

to cross my aim with silver. You do understand, don't you?

I see.

Don't delve too deep, sir.

Oh, 50 pence pieces, if you please, sir.

Ah, that's all right.

Now, give me your hand, your left one, and let us see what we can see.

as plain as the nose on my face.

You've had trouble with a man, haven't you?

Two men, actually.

No, there's only one man, and he's in high place.

And you're on a quest, and I can see stones.

Have you had an illness recently?

No, not that I can think of.

Gone with stones?

No, I had a touch of bronchitis the last month.

No, it's not that.

I can only see stones. You're so...

Are you sure you haven't had any trouble with your waterworks?

I'm not quite sure.

All I can see is stones.

Stones and stones.

Stones. It's Brighton Beach.

There are the stones.

Now, here we are.

There's someone, very high up, who's going to drop a load of trouble on your

shoulders. Oh,

I am sorry, sir. But you see, since he's been living on the pier, I've been able

to get him out straight.

But wait a minute.

Oh, it's coming through now. Yes.

Oh, I've got to be very blunt about this.

Have you had anything to do with any women lately?

No. Not that I can think of.

Well, I can see the letter C.

C, C, C.

Would it be Christopher?

It's coming very near now.

I think I'll use my car.

Now you're sure I've got to look for the stones?

You can depend upon it.

You can...

Would you like an extra slice of lemon, Mr. Kelly?

Thank you.

You've certainly managed to find the best places for a swinging weekend,

you? It'll do you good. A couple of days will just take some weight off your

arse. I've never had any complaints about my arse, if you so delicately put

up until now.

Look, do me a favour. Keep quiet and get on with it.

What's this?

What is that?

Oh, it's nothing much.

Well, if it's nothing much, can I have a look at it, please?

Yeah.

How weird.

Of course you're not going, are you? Of course not.

Do you mind if I get all the cards out?

Yes, everybody's got one.

All except for two nuts that stand at the end there.

Rodney told us not to take any cards with them.

Oh, you mean Clapworthy and Kelly?

Yeah. Oh, I shouldn't think they'd add much vigour to the proceedings.

You can say that again.

Although in a funny kind of way, I feel rather sorry for them.

Just look at their faces.

Come on, baby, play with me. Come on, come on, take me by the hand.

You and me, we're going to some strange erotic land.

You've got to see that it's not as bad as it may have been.

We can go, go on some magic carpet trip.

And I know we're into love and partnership.

When you left New York, I had other ideas in mind.

Everything in good time.

Well, it's not bad for a start, is it? Oh, come along now. I'm sure we can

tackle some champagne and caviar, can't we?

Well, you won't have to tackle anything.

It's a little secluded romantic spot you've managed to pick from, I see.

Don't worry, I've got it all arranged.

Let's look through that entrance over there. And in the meadow, you'll see a

potting shed.

I'll meet you there in a couple of minutes.

Oh, God, we've got you all choked.

Stop. I'm absolutely banished. I haven't eaten all day.

If you really think I'm going to feel well, you're spoiled out there amongst

tomato plants and horse manure.

You've got another drink coming.

Don't worry.

I've got everything arranged. I solved it all before this shoot started.

Don't I always think of everything?

You've no need to tell me that, then. I must be mad to even consider this.

Sweetie, rely on me.

Only I could.

All right, then. But if this is another of your bright little ideas that goes

wrong, your feet won't touch the ground.

Cross my heart.

Help. Go on, off you go, and I'll meet you there in a couple of minutes.

Please do let me down.

Well... Maria,

can you hold the fort by the chair a little while?

I've got a little bit of business I've got to attend to.

Yes, I know. I saw a bit moving.

Go on, have fun.

Come on!

But the door's open.

Don't worry, they won't find us in this part of the manor.

Can you smell it?

It's in the room.

No, I can't smell anything.

Food. It's food. I can smell it.

Go to sleep, Morrie. It's hallucinations. You usually get them

weak state. Now, just go to sleep. I'll tell you I can't stand it. It's killing

me.

Yeah, yeah. Did you hear that? What?

They're laughing at us.

I can't hear anything, no.

I tell you, they're laughing at us.

Up there.

Up there, they're laughing.

They're laughing at me.

Who is?

Them. They're laughing at me. It's my own fault. It's all them schmucks I

treated and turned over all me life.

They're laughing at me up there. See, my mother, she used to say to me, Murray,

you'll come to no good, Murray.

Oh, I'm telling you, Murray, you'll come to no good.

She wanted me to go into gowns and blouses.

You look very good in them as well, you know that?

Gowns and blouses, she used to say. Now, that's a living.

So why did you become a printer?

My mother's brother, it was his fault. He was in the business.

I became some kind of partnership with him.

He used to print ration cards, petrol coupons, cut -tie tickets, all quality

gear.

I used to disprocute.

So? So.

Well, I was out grafting one day at Chelsea Wolverhampton. I think it was.

what a day.

I was selling the tickets five at a time.

Do you know?

Either water notes in my pocket like a roll of line. Oh, what a day.

Go on. Yeah, well.

One night, when I got back to the office, the lawyer had got Uncle Mendel.

I didn't know all that. Two years they give him.

So all of a sudden I found myself managing director, didn't I? I thought,

I'll go into a better quality type of goods.

Passports, diplomas.

Something with a bit of finesse. Well, for this, I needed a good engraver.

That's how you met me. Yeah, yeah. That's how I met you.

I should have stayed in gowns and blouses.

Instead of which, I find myself in this machigna place.

Starving to death.

Look, for goodness sake, go to sleep.

In a couple of weeks, you'll have enough money here to get out and you can eat

yourself to death. Now, go to sleep, for God's sake.

Yeah, well, sorry if I disturbed you. Well, you are disturbing me, so go to

sleep, please. I thought I could smell food. Well, go to sleep. I can't smell

anything.

What's the matter?

Morrie, you aggravate me. You just plain aggravate me.

Well, where are you going?

I'm going to have a pee.

Do you mind?

Where are you going?

Well... Go back to bed.

You've already been.

Go back to bed.

I must say, this really is the most enchanting room.

So unexpected, coming across a place like this, so off the beaten track.

And jolly decent of you to bring this up to the room personally.

I mean, you do understand, it would be rather embarrassing. Somebody in my

position, I can't very well be down there. You do understand.

Don't give it another thought, Sir Geoffrey.

Please, call me Geoffrey.

I do understand.

We here at the manor always have the interests of our guests at heart.

I was rather hoping that this was going to be, well, a little bit more than,

shall we say, a service of the establishment.

Well, we do try to please.

Mm -hmm.

Bloody hell, darling, you could have waved yours. I couldn't. I'm ravenous.

like ravishing.

What a wonderful idea, in fact.

What is wrong with this?

Oh. Oh.

with the girls before we start today's maneuvers okay let's get started we

mustn't slacken now everything's going so well for us come on get the girls in

order okay come on girls quiet quiet please thank you

right let's go through today's briefing first of all i think we can up the

temperature in the steam room a little that will help get rid of some of the

booze they consumed last night um i think perhaps test you'd better take

this job

what's already happened. We've nearly asphyxiated six of our residents

No, I think perhaps you'd better take care of the midday carrot juice instead.

And whilst we're on that subject, Mandy, love, wire efforts are appreciated.

No, really, they are.

Really.

However, perhaps a little less verb.

Sir Geoffrey is unable to get out of bed this morning, and poor Mr Nimbley's

walking around looking like a road map.

And as for you, Patsy, poor Mr Collingworth was taken to Bogganton

Hospital this morning.

from severe lacerations.

We had to tell the doctor he was hit by a falling tree.

But we all know what happened, don't we?

Well, he did ask for the full treatment.

Well, I'll overlook it just this once, but don't let it happen again.

All right, let's get the ramble organized through the woods for this

That should perk up their taste buds for evening.

Tina? Not on your life, darling. I can hardly keep awake now.

We've been up all night, and all this physical activity during the day is just

too bloody much.

If I see any more greenery, I'll just go out of my mind. I promise you I will.

Why doesn't the Amazon take care of it?

Patsy, how about it?

Okay, book me in for the cross -country.

Right, any more questions or suggestions?

Yes, when do we retire?

If we keep going as we have been, we should be able to skate through to the

London season.

Thank God for that.

Shh, quiet, everybody. I think I can mimic Ivor. We don't want to kill the

golden goose now, do we?

Morning, sir.

What can I do for you? Oh, I'm down for some treatment this morning. Ah, yes.

Have you been to the manor before?

No, no.

Ah, then I'll get one of our young ladies to show you the way through.

Nanette? Yes?

Would you like to show Mr Blitz the way through to the steam room, please?

Morning. Yes, certainly.

Would you like to follow me, sir?

We can take you anywhere you like, love.

Do us a favour, Mr.

Clapworthy. Let's get out of here.

I'll be satisfied with what we've got. Look at me. I'm wasting away.

Listen, Morris.

Just a few more days and we'd have reached our target.

Every pound we're losing here will be worth two and a half, Hockey, when we

on the outside.

Well, I'm not a greedy man. I'll be happy with what we've got.

Now, make yourself comfortable in here, Mr. Blit.

And I'll be back in half an hour. All right, darling.

That's better.

I've never been in a place like this before.

Sure, I suppose this is the place to take the weight off, eh?

Blit's the name.

Norman Blit.

Nice to know you.

I'm new to all this luck, you know.

You'll get your sweat.

Well, there's nothing like sweating to tone you up, is there?

Sweating's not the only thing you get in this place.

Hey, what about them birds?

What about them birds? You know, like that one that brought me in.

Oh, that's a bit tasty, isn't it?

Don't talk about anything to eat.

Oh, why, you missed a bit. It's not too hot for you, is it? Oh, no, no. Well,

you mustn't take too much the first day.

Come along, it's time for your cold shower, Mr. Clapworthy.

Clapworthy? Clapworthy? Don't I know you from somewhere?

Oh, no, I don't think you've ever had the pleasure, sir. Oh, come along, Mr.

Kelly, you too.

Morris, can I have our shower?

Oh, yes.

Here. You ought to choose Sunwood Scarlet.

Morning.

We've been nobbled. That was one of Slash's men in there.

What are we going to do? Bloody run.

I'm telling you, Slash, the two of them are down here as large as life.

Of course I know it's them.

Who else do you know with names like that?

Jewish?

Oh, I don't know. I never look at them things.

Well, don't let them out of your sight, Norman.

Me and the two boys will be up there straight away.

Right.

Here you are, Maurice.

Here.

Where are we going to put them?

Well, certainly not here.

Let's hide them in there.

Good idea.

Come on.

No, you take those down the back book. Yeah Thank

you

Oh, well, we thought, you see, after the shower, a bit of fresh air and exercise

would do us good.

To stimulate the circulation.

Don't give me that. Look at that smoke.

You've been burning something.

I've been watching you both from the upstairs window.

Katrina, we're in serious trouble.

We are not, in fact, musicians.

That figures, after listening to Ove for the Wings of a Dove every afternoon for

the past couple of months.

My correct title is Inspector Cretworthy of the British Intelligence.

My colleague here is none other than the Dr. Kelly.

Well, you see, we didn't actually arrive from Paris.

No, you see, Miss Petrina, I've been a hunted man.

I have. I've been a hunted man, and the only organisation I could turn to was

MI5. And it was there I met the inspector.

What a man.

And the bonfire. Where does this hunter bit come in?

Yeah, well, you see, I was making these plans and blueprints for a new

revolutionary hovercraft.

Hover. Hover.

Hover.

Hover.

Just tell the girl the story.

Yeah, well, unfortunately, you see, unbeknownst, there was a leak.

In the security, you see, the news had got out about my good fortune.

And all the people, the whole of London was hunting me then.

Yeah, but unfortunately, you see, this mob got to hear about it. Now they're

here chasing us, and they want to do us.

But can't you call the police?

No, no, no. We of the service always work alone.

Together. But if they're coming here, what are you going to do?

Well, as others have done before us, go down, but with our chins held high.

There must be fun things we can do.

Well, you think about it, Miss Petrina, and while you're doing that, the

inspector and I will go off and pack.

That's a good idea.

I know. I've got it. The girls.

Are you certain it's them?

Of course I'm certain it's them. I've checked with the porter. He said they

arrived here the day after we found out they'd scarpered from London. And what's

more, they took some big boxes up to their rooms.

And that's how it happened. That's exactly what they told me.

God, how do you know that? How do you know? Ah, if only the general were here

now.

But by the way, I was his batman in the 1914 -18 lot. He gave the satan acts a

dose of the pipe and then in with a cold steel.

Ah!

Now then, you bide here and I'll go away and get me pipes. That'll scare the

shit out of the Pajibas out of them.

Come on, girls. Into action.

You go in there, I'll get him in. Okay.

No, I'm done. Great stuff.

Come on, mate, that is enough. We'll have the rest later.

Oh, no, I'm afraid I can't let you go yet. Lady Bobbington insists on the full

treatment at all times.

All right, get on with it, mate.

Help!

Lay down, ladies!

Lay down!

Maureen, you'd better get back to the garden. Get those plates, quick.

Can I help you? Yes, Mrs. I'm looking for the, uh, you -know -what.

Ah, straight down the corridor and turn left.

Good morning, Vicar. I believe I have just phoned you yesterday with regards

to the Scots Bazaar.

I do know that Mr. MacGyver has removed most of the unwanted bric -a -brac.

Out to the potting shed. If you care to rummage about there, I'm sure you're

more than welcome to take anything you could find you think will come in

Most generous of you, Lady Bobbington. We have our barrow outside.

May we pop down now?

Well, do. Please do.

Thank you so much. Hope to see you at the service on Sunday.

Sunday. Now, come along, troop.

To work.

To work.

Everything's ready and under control.

Quick, march.

Yes, I do.

Ah, there you are. We've been waiting for you in the exercise room.

Yeah, I'll take the scarf off.

So lively.

Come on, girls.

Get him.

Is it those men?

Yes, I did.

Oh, a bountiful harvest.

All this should fill a complete stall.

Oh,

these appear to be copper.

How excellent for the scout's metal class.

I shall place them upon the barrel.

Excuse me, Trixie.

you keeny or something?

You say you come here for pleasure.

I wonder how the other two are getting on.

Come on, lads. Keep up the good work. No slacking now.

Oh, there we are.

Come on. They're useless. We'd better find them on our own.

I'll get the plates.

I'll see all the notes about. Right.

My word, what exuberance. You seem to have collected quite an assortment for

your bazaar. Oh, well, make no lady what I have here. It would make a most

delightful display.

I'm sure it will. I don't remember seeing these.

Oh, they were down at the shed, weren't they? With all this?

You know, I think these might belong to Rodney. I think we ought to show him

them before you hand them to your helpers.

Well, I quite understand, my dear lady. I mean, anything that isn't needed,

young Trixie here can come up and collect later.

Oh, good. Certainly.

I mean to show him to Rodney now.

My dear lady, good day. Goodbye.

Well done. Come on, troop. Quick march.

Right, girls, we've got rid of the task. Now we've got to get rid of the

ringleaders.

Point of view, but you've got to see our point of view, too. I mean, you've got

to be taking a strict rotation, haven't you?

What? Well, I'll do the best for you.

Three weeks from now. Now, that is a promise, mate.

Now, we've got a batch of Santa Maria skudos on the run now.

As soon as we clear that lot, we'll run you all up in the machine a bit

sharpish. What?

Okay? Oh.

Our pleasure, Mr. Gunther Floyd.

We'll be in touch.

Everything going according to plan?

Oh, couldn't be better, my love.

Shall we make our rounds now, or are you a bit tied up? No, Lena can hold the

fort. We must show some interest in the work, mustn't we? Else Mr. Clefworthy

and Kelly will go into their socks again. We can't have that, can we?

Quite right.

could be anywhere else for we this is where we want to be

here enjoying ourselves it wouldn't be right

to go on criticizing anywhere nice as this

there is such great happiness

No bread on his pie is good for us.

We're beginning to feel that this is the real Shangri -La.

There's nothing on earth would ever make us try to leave all our

friends behind.

When we're so well -wined and dined, it's great to be here.