Original subtitles

This was a mistake!

Shut up. Pardon?

SHE HONKS HORN

This programme contains swearing.

Ooh!

DUCKS QUACK

You're mad.

Wow.

SHE CHUCKLES

Ooh. HORN PARPS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome to Taskmaster, or as they call it in Wales...

WELSH ACCENT: All right, boys, how's it going?

Oh, it's cold at the moment, innit?

Oh, I'll have to wear my big coat.

Fair play. It is cold, mind, innit?

Eh, do you know my brother?

He looks like my brother, he does.

The competition is really hurtling towards a conclusion,

so please welcome the warriors holding on for dear life.

They are Fatiha El-Ghorri! CHEERING

Jason Mantzoukas! CHEERING

Mathew Baynton! CHEERING

Rosie Ramsey! CHEERING

And Stevie Martin! CHEERING

And next to me, a man who says that women should be like

the landmark Shard building in London -

they should look attractive,

remain silent and have a glass ceiling firmly in place.

LAUGHTER

ROSIE: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

Oh-oh-oh-oh!

Don't shoot the messenger.

Shoot little Alex Horne!

CHEERING

Just an opinion. Hello, Greg. Hello, mate.

Hello. You all right?

I've just got to do some admin before we start. I'm so sorry.

Mm-hm. But today, for the viewers at home,

and people watching it on the big screen in Trafalgar Square,

here is your bingo code,

so just scan that now.

One of you could be a lucky winner.

And Greg, if you wouldn't mind, just do a quick selfie.

Is that all right?

It's just my...one of my mum's friends really fancies you, so...

LAUGHTER

One of your mum's friends?

Just smile.

Actually, it's a video, actually. It's for Jennifer, really.

Hello, Jennifer. Lovely, yeah.

I understand you fancy me.

Well, strap yourself in.

Thanks, Greg. She'll love that, honestly. Right.

Let's have a prize task category please, Alex. You sure can, Greg.

This time you've asked them to bring in

the best object that you've borrowed from

a fairly close friend. Hmm.

It's down to you to judge the best borrowed object

and the winner of the whole episode will sort of

own five things that actually belong

to other people that are sort of friends of the cast. Done.

Stevie, what have you borrowed?

So, I went to a wedding,

and it was one of my very, very close friends

and she really likes Lord Of The Rings

but her partner doesn't.

And so as a compromise, she put, like, a secret bit on her website

and it said if you wanted to get dressed up

as a Lord Of The Rings character for the party bit then you could.

So I borrowed loads of things, one of which was this sword.

A foam sword. Here it is.

Four people in the entire wedding had just put some little cloaks on

and I went as the Witch-king of Angmar, the Lord of the Nazgul.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is that the bride there, Stevie? That's the bride. That's Tessa.

I mean, I looked at that and I thought,

"God, you look different without make-up on."

LAUGHTER

And then I realised you were the Witch-king of Angmar.

I'm the Witch-king of Angmar.

Well done. This might be your best thing so far. Yes!

Three points.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I don't see it going past three, for sure.

Mathew?

Well, for me it was a case of Jim Howick's two-man kayak.

And here it is.

So, I remembered he had this

and I thought that would be a pretty significant thing

to have borrowed from a fairly close friend. Yeah.

So I managed to persuade him that I needed to borrow it

to let my kids go kayaking.

Why didn't you just tell him you were borrowing it for this?

But why did you have to tell this ridiculous lie?

Was that an option?

LAUGHTER

That wouldn't be funny.

How would that be funny?

Fatiha, can you beat a kayak? Yeah, I can.

You know when you're struggling in life,

yeah, and things are hard?

And then everything,

every part of your life starts to suffer.

So there was a point in my life where I was struggling,

with faith particularly,

and then there was a girl that I was working with

and she gave me a prayer mat.

And here it is on Taskmaster. There it is. Aw.

That's nice. And every time I struggle in something,

I always look at this

and remember, like, the hope at the end of it.

So I'm grateful and, yeah, that's...

That was it and good luck making that funny.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There are not many people,

I would argue, on television globally in my position

who would have the sheer audacity to put a rubber sword above

an Islamic prayer mat.

LAUGHTER

I've got to say, it feels like quite the test.

It's a really lovely story and a lovely object. Rosie?

So I... It's lovely, really lovely.

And I'm so glad it brings you so much joy.

I've brought in a pelvic floor exerciser.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sorry, somebody wants that back?

You borrowed it?

Yes. I did, yeah. Who'd you borrow it from?

My fairly close sister.

Could've lied. She's being honest, which is good.

I know, yeah, no, but I... We've got the same juice.

AUDIENCE GROAN

ALEX COUGHS

Bleurgh!

Everyone's got their hands on their face. Everyone.

Like, I washed it and that, obviously. Obviously!

Shall we pop back to the prayer mat for a bit?

One more, there's one more. Oh, God. This is awful.

I dread to think what you've brought in.

So, the best thing to borrow from

a close friend, or a semi-close friend... Mm-hm.

..is, for me,

a prize that has previously been awarded five points in

the prize task category.

Let's see it. That's nice.

He borrowed this from Fatiha.

You wanker!

LAUGHTER

This is the Taskmaster pop-up book that Mathew brought

and Fatiha won.

And I asked to look at it and she said,

"Yeah, go ahead, borrow it. Take it as long as you want."

This was 45 minutes ago. Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So... And you gave it five points last time,

so give me them points, baby.

OK, that's everything. I don't know... No.

..whether you should be borrowing a device for your vagina.

LAUGHTER

So? So, one point. One point to Rosie.

Two points for Mathew's thing.

Two to the kayak, got it.

Kayaks are boring.

We'll give three points to Jason. How dare you!

Stevie wouldn't be getting four points just for the sword

if I hadn't seen that picture of her in that outfit next to a bride.

And five points for Fatiha,

because, you know, of course it was a genuinely touching story

and I'm thrilled that it's so important to you.

Five points to Fatiha El-Ghorri.

CHEERING

Let's start the tasks proper.

Yes, and we're gonna see them doing their best

to impress in the garden, first of all.

Hello.

Hi, Alex.

Hi, Jason. Hello, Alex. Lovely to see you.

Lovely to see you. We were just speaking inside.

Hello. What's cooking, good-looking?

Oh, really?

I went on a school trip bowling and it went really badly.

"Knock over all ten skittles in ten minutes."

In America, Skittles are a candy.

Ah, what are these?

Bowling pins.

"The final skittle should fall exactly when the whistle sounds."

"If any skittle is left standing after ten minutes, you have failed."

"You must stay behind the rope at all times."

"Closest to ten minutes wins."

"Your time starts..."

"Now."

I... I mean, it's pointless asking.

There's not a bowling ball that you've got there, is there?

You can do whatever you want behind that rope.

APPLAUSE

You alluded to a terrible bowling trip there. Yes.

Do you want to talk about it? Not really.

I got bullied at school and that's where it started, so...

You asked. It's not funny.

Put the prayer mat up.

LAUGHTER

Come on. Let's bounce.

Let's bounce. OK, well, first up -

and I hope they do really, really well at this one -

it's Jason, Mat and Stevie's attempts.

I'm gonna smash this, because I went on a bowling trip

with school and came last,

and it was the pinnacle of

the bullying experience,

and I...no-one sat with me on the bus home.

So sorry to trigger you.

So I just need to clear them all but one for now.

That won't do it.

Pretty great, right?

Pretty good. You want the last one going down

in nine minutes' time.

Three.

Sorry about the pot.

Not bad, OK.

I care nothing for your cameras!

Yeah, you've done one.

Look out.

Yes!

Ugh!

No.

One minute, five.

Ooh!

Watch out.

STEVIE: Yes!

JASON: What's the time?

50 seconds. OK.

Ngh! Ngh!

Ngh!

Ngh!

Are you OK?

I think I'm over the line.

12 seconds left. Three skittles still.

They need to all go down in the next... Can you pass me the brick?

Oh, yes!

You've got four seconds. Another brick!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Five, four... My hands are shaking!

No, come on.

One.

WHISTLE BLOWS

I mean, that was...

Hmm.

I'm really sorry, I'm just a bit upset.

I'm really sorry, I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry, this is so stupid. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Stevie?

There must have been an easier way, Mathew.

Stupid! Jason?

APPLAUSE

What the hell is going on?

It's not a real episode, it's just been...

..rubbish.

Rubbish, rubbish all round. What's next?

OK. It was a shame.

Well, next up I'm just gonna shut up and press play.

REVERSED SPEECH

Shall we? Yes.

Fail the next task in

the most heartbreakingly spectacular way.

I'm really sorry. Stevie? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, this is so stupid. I'm sorry. Um, Stevie?

If you succeed in the next task you will lose one point.

So, the next task...

Yeah. ..are you gonna succeed?

Yeah.

How? By failing.

Good.

Ngh!

So, after this, you're gonna go out there, turn left and do a task.

How long? Two seconds.

You need to fail that task.

WHISTLE BLOWS If you succeed in

the next task you will lose one point.

Huh?

Let's do it, come on. Where are we going?

We're going out there.

Hi, Jason. Hello, Alex. Lovely to see you.

Lovely to see you. We were just speaking inside.

Were we?

Yeah, just like mere moments ago.

APPLAUSE

Well, thank God. LAUGHTER

So that means that was a fake fall you did?

A planned fall. It was real.

Let me be clear, I fell hard.

Really good.

Jason also chose violence for the 12th time in the series so far.

Violence against myself.

And the cameramen when you threw a croquet mallet. Oh, yeah.

I don't think of them as people. OK.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I'd love it if you were out of focus for the rest of

the episode.

APPLAUSE

Mathew, I genuinely thought that was your actual attempt.

Because you've been so close

to some sort of collapse mentally, so I thought,

"Yeah, I mean he's nearly there now." Yeah.

Oh, God. Thank God. It was quite harrowing.

Guess how I felt!

I felt very hot and sweaty and embarrassed watching that.

Was it a total lie?

I got bullied but not that badly and not at bowling.

LAUGHTER

Wow. Right, so they all did well, really, so far.

Well, it's the most heartbreakingly spectacular

and they all came down right to the end,

so these two missed the final one in the last second

and 20 seconds before the end Jason fell.

OK, break time.

Power nap or power crap - that's up to you, my friends.

But whatever you do, please don't do both at the same time.

That's a nice sofa. See you in a minute.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back to part two of Taskmaster.

There have been some unintentionally glorious failures on this show over

the years and now they're trying their best to fail on purpose.

Yeah, boy. This is some next level stuff.

Wow! Pow, isn't it?

LAUGHTER The task they need to fail is

to knock over ten skittles in ten minutes.

If they succeed at the task they will lose one point.

Now for the final two

heartbreakingly spectacular contestants, it's Rosie and Fatiha.

What do I us... What do I use? What would you normally use?

Are you looking for anything in particular?

Yeah, I'm looking for some balls.

These aren't really that heavy.

Ooh, yes! Come on.

Are you ready? I'm ready.

I'll get one, I'll get one.

Ohh.

That's a good strategy, right?

They've all got to go down...

I know, I'm trying, I'm trying.

..in the next five minutes.

Watch out, everyone. OK.

Yes! Yes, come on.

Maybe if I throw it. Maybe.

Hold on.

LAUGHTER

Yes!

Two left. You don't want to knock them all down. Right.

Ohh.

The last one's got to fall at exactly ten minutes.

Wow. I'm coming.

OK, you need to get them all down.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Fatiha, you haven't knocked any down.

How do you feel?

Terrible.

I'm the best thrower in my borough, and now look.

Yeah.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Congratulations, you've knocked over all ten

and there's just two and a half minutes left.

OK.

APPLAUSE

Just check the wording of the task.

"Fail the next task in the most h..."

Oh, heartbreakingly spectacular.

Sorry, I thought it was just "shit".

LAUGHTER

And you didn't fail.

No, I know. I didn't really understand,

and he'd talk to us for ages about it and I just...

I nodded, didn't I? Yeah. And I was like, "Yeah."

And went... I didn't have a clue.

LAUGHTER

So, what does that mean? Rosie gets...?

Well, it means it's mad that she's in second place in the series,

but... LAUGHTER

She has to get minus one point, that's it.

You have to go down a point in the series. I'm sorry. What?!

Oh, you don't understand? You have to lose a point.

I lose a point?

So... All we know is that Rosie definitely gets minus one point

because she succeeded in the task.

The rest all failed, so it's up to you,

who was the most heartbreakingly spectacular?

Fatiha, do you think that was heartbreaking or spectacular?

I think it was bloody spectacular.

Well, I'm here to tell you it was neither of them.

You're so cruel, but it just makes me want you more.

LAUGHTER

Exactly my tactics, my friend.

OK, two to Fatiha. OK.

Mathew's was genuinely quite heartbreaking, cos it was,

you know, part of his ongoing breakdown.

Right. But I think we have to reward

Jason's incredible stunt at the end.

OK. Which was spectacular.

Three to Mathew, four to Jason. Yeah, and then...

No! Obviously. FATIHA: Yeah.

I mean, I genuinely believed you were bullied.

I was, but not that bad.

But not that badly, so it's all cool.

Five points. Five points to Stevie Martin!

CHEERING

Hey, what's the scores?

Well, after two tasks, Rosie's got zero points.

At the other end of the table we've got Stevie Martin

on nine points!

CHEERING

Right, another one, then.

Yes, please. Well, it's an arty team task next

that's got them all in a spin.

You go first this time. Oh, thank you.

Hello, team. Hello.

Please stand on a spot.

Yeah.

Good luck.

STEVIE AND JASON: Javie Martzoukas!

"Each person must write down three words to describe

"a memorable scene.

"You must be silent throughout."

"And your team-mate must not see what you have written."

"You have one minute."

"Your time starts now."

Three words, memorable scene. On that card, please.

A memorable scene.

Like a scene in a film or...?

Just a memorable scene, that's all the information.

WHISTLE BLOWS OK, I'm just gonna collect in

those cards.

And that's for you.

Ah.

That's the second part of the task.

OK. OK, here we go.

Paint your memorable scene

so that your team-mate can guess your three words.

You must not give any clues about your own three-word scene

except by painting the scene.

You must not write any words.

Fastest wins.

Your time starts when the turntable turns.

Turn the turntable!

What? Are you joking?

Have we got to do it...? Are you kidding me?

It's not gonna stop. Are you kidding me?

APPLAUSE

Your nickname is not going to catch on.

Yes, it is. It makes you both less memorable.

What? What is it?

Javie Martzoukas!

Javie Martzoukas.

We should get a point for having a team name and team spirit. Yeah.

And we've lost every team task so far.

LAUGHTER

You have been bad.

Good. Good.

Let's spin the canvases, man. Will do.

I suppose we might as well start with the team of two, Jason and...

Please use our title. Better known as...

Javie Martzoukas! Thank you! Yes!

Turn the turntable.

OK. Oh. Oh, I see.

OK.

Don't guess yet.

Rabbit.

That is one of the words. OK.

Oh, dang. OK, I'm bad at this.

Now it just looks like boobs.

It looks like boobs, but it's not boobs.

I won't guess boobs. JASON LAUGHS

Wait, guess, guess, guess based on my...

Oh, sorry. Poison.

Skull and cross bones. Pirate. Medicine. Um...

What, woman? Yeah?

Uh... Graveyard?

Yeah. Oh, son of a bitch.

What more can I possibly do than what I've done?

OK, mountains, dead. Dead. Dead is right.

Car. Yes!

Car? You've got all of Stevie's. Great, great, great.

She's got none of yours. None of mine?

Oh, what is it? Oh, it's a lip?

It's a car. It's a boat.

But, but... It's smiling. But... Smiling, lip smiling.

Sad face. Oh, love. Kissing, kissing!

Ooh! Kiss?

Kiss is correct. You have one. OK.

OK, right, memorable scene with kissing.

Boobs kissing.

It doesn't feel like you're doing anything.

Turn them around and start again, maybe?

Yeah, great, that's a great idea. I'm gonna do that.

OK. So we're starting again.

Right. Here it comes. Oh, baby.

Babies kissing!

It would be memorable.

Oh? Oh!

I... Slap!

Yes. Correct. One to go.

That's two. We've got two words right now.

OK. Kiss, slap. Look?

Um... What is that? JASON LAUGHS

Glare. Glower.

Oh, yes, yes!

Uh... Yes. Glimpse? Please.

Look? Glimpse, glance.

Glance is right. I've stopped the clock.

You went from glower to glimpse to glance, finally.

I got glance from THAT.

That's incredible.

That is so funny!

Can I just say something? Because before we did it,

when we wrote the words, Jason went,

"Just so you know, when we're writing these words,

"we're probably gonna have to paint them."

And then he wrote glance.

LAUGHTER

This was a real low point for Javie Martzoukas,

because I felt...I felt particularly bad for Stevie,

because I am dog shit at every element of this. What?

This is gonna come as a surprise.

I'm willing to say I'm not good at art.

And this, ladies and gentlemen,

marks the first time that Jason has admitted

that he's bad at anything. Yeah.

Unless it's boobs, which I can draw.

When I'm trying to draw anything, it comes out looking like boobs.

Ah, thank you for saluting me.

This might be your journey to becoming British, you know?

A bit of self-doubt.

ENGLISH ACCENT: Oh, Daddy.

LAUGHTER

OK, advert time.

In a troubled world, what better moment to take the hand

of that special person in your life

and tell them that you love them.

Do you want me to get the belt again?

I'm so sorry, I thought you wanted me to... No?

We'll see you in a minute. So sorry.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here we are, it's the start of the second half of the show

and there's a team task which needs closure.

So, the task involves each contestant painting

a memorable scene on their canvas,

which can be described in three words,

and they then have to guess what each other's three words are

from their paintings.

Fatiha, Mathew and Rosie are all in one team,

so this won't be straightforward.

Oh, for God's sake.

Right, that's yours, then.

Right, this is mine.

Oh, sugar. Do you know what?

I like this, yeah, cos I used to do art,

so I'm gonna smash this right up.

Guess what the others are.

Uh, lightning.

No. Storm.

That is one of the words. Yes!

Is yours Jaws? Not Jaws. It's three words.

Captain Phillips? No, no, it's three words.

Is it love? Love is one of the words. Correct.

Love. Are we guessing the film or the...? Ocean.

No, you're just guessing

the three words that you've written down. Oh, just words.

Oh, giraffe? No. HE SNIGGERS

Is it drowning?

Correct.

We're looking for six more words.

Wow. You've added details.

Is it a sex scene? Romeo And Juliet.

Is it from Titanic? Mm-hm.

Weirdly, the Titanic was what was in my mind for this.

Can I tell him? No? Definitely not.

No. That would give it away.

Can I quickly draw some things that might guess the words?

Well, I think you should've done that a while ago. Ah.

French women.

French is correct.

Oh, yeah. I can't give any clues, can I?

No, you can by painting.

Life drawing. Posing.

Figurative masturbating.

Touching yourself.

Are you giving a clue?

Seduction. No. Am I? Yeah, seduction, seductive.

Try and guess yours!

Yeah, let's try. So... What could your words be?

Mine is so easy.

Where are they? Restaurant!

Cafe? Cafe is right.

Yes! Oh.

Is it...is it them, the what's it called?

It's the film, it's the "I'll have what she's..."

Harry and Sally.

Correct! Yay!

High five, bruv.

We've got Harry, Sally,

cafe, storm, love, drowning and French. And French.

Yeah. Sexy.

Sexy is correct. OK, now my last word.

How the...how do you draw this?

What's the film? MATHEW AND FATIHA: Titanic.

And what's the scene?

The scene where he paints her naked.

Using?

Using paints. Pencil.

Crayons.

Charcoal.

Correct! Is it? Stop the turntable.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I remember the bit where he drowns more.

APPLAUSE

Well, Rosie... Yes.

I put it to you that for the vast majority

of that task, you didn't understand it.

No. No, I didn't.

What's absolutely fascinating is

even when you understood it,

you chose to depict the scene where Kate Winslet

gets painted with the words "sexy, French charcoal".

Cos she says, "Draw me like one of your...those French girls."

It's just such a strange combination.

I don't know where these things come from in my brain.

And when Rosie was arguably cheating by simply playing charades,

Mathew's guess was figurative masturbation.

LAUGHTER

And then Fatiha stepped in

and went, "What, touching yourself?"

I mean, it's just madness.

But let's hear the timings first. Yeah, total timings...

I mean, arguably the team of three had a harder job,

cos they had three to guess rather than two.

But they were substantially slower.

Six minutes, ten for the team of two.

12 minutes, 16 for the team of three. Not that bad.

So I suppose three minutes per painting

or four minutes per painting.

The team of two definitely won it, so they get five points, I think.

Five points for Stevie and Jason. Yes!

CHEERING

Well done. Oh! So, how many points for the team of three?

Yes, I'm gonna give them three points. Three points.

Because, you know, there was some creativity going on there.

Bit of cheating. They took twice as long.

Three seems fair.

Team of three get three, the team of two get five.

There we go.

CHEERING

I would like another task right away.

Yes, right, here we go. Oh, sorry, can you go up a bit?

Sorry, Lizzy. That's it. Go back a bit.

Back a bit, back a bit more. That's it. Stop.

Sorry, not that. Go, go back again.

OK, yeah, from there, please.

Good. Right, here's the next task.

I came in with a bang.

Jason.

HE SIGHS

Lots of props.

Right.

"Obey the autocue." OK.

"The most authoritative delivery with the fewest mistakes wins."

Ohhh.

"Your time starts when the autocue starts."

Have you used autocue before? No.

APPLAUSE

Rosie, I forget that you're a mother.

You've got two children, right? Yeah.

And every now and again you just get a brief insight into it,

and the way that you arrived at this task and assessed it,

it looked like a mum going into a kid's room

and going, "Look at the state of this bedroom."

Can you just show them the clip? I know the bit. It's this bit.

LAUGHTER

OK, good. Who's first?

Yes, it's time to try out our first three young science presenters -

Jason, Mat and Rosie.

Commence the autocue.

Oh, hello, folks.

My name is Scientist Dr Rosie/Ramsey.

Dr Jackson Mickey.

My name is Dr Dark Stuff.

And I'd like to welcome you all

to Science Today today.

# Science Today... #

# Science Today, what's gonna happen? #

# And science all your life... #

# Get fucking buckled in

# Science Today, here we go! #

So, what's on today's Science Today show?

We're going to do two scientific demonstrations

and I guarantee... They'll both blow your mind.

THEY ALL IMITATE EXPLOSION

Let me think,

which two experiments should we do today

on Science Today?

OK, we will do...

BOTH: One and three.

Number one and number three.

Oh, yes.

So that means you'll see me do the...

Ha-ha! Boing! Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing.

This ball is so bouncy that every time you drop it -

and that's drop, not throw...

It bounces up to a much higher place than where it started.

I know, mad. Watch this.

Failure.

This fantastical orb has a tiny tracker inside,

which means it always returns

to exactly where it was thrown from.

Don't believe me? You will soon.

Ta-da!

BOTH: Okey dokey.

Let's move on to my second experiment.

Whoo! Yes! Yes!

Did you know a rainbow changes the colour of the whole sky?

I think that's right.

I can't remember. I'm having trouble sleeping.

There was this time a few years ago when

I actually was dropped from a very high height.

I hit...hit someone in my car...

..and I think, I think they were still OK,

but I was... I panicked and I drove away.

Ten years ago...

..I was lost at sea.

Anyway, there's a way you can change

the colour of other things, too.

And that way is called paint.

Paint!

BOTH: Paint! Whoo!

If you shut your eyes and really concentrate,

you can actually tell the colour of paint by its smell.

Take this tub here. OK?

I'm gonna put the tub behind my back

and open it without looking at it.

Now I'm going to do

a big sniff of the air in front of me.

THEY ALL SNIFF

That's definitely blue.

Blue. Blue.

See?

Now we'll do the same with this pot.

THEY SNIFF That's the one. Yellow.

Ooh, I think that one's yellow.

It's yellow.

Totally yellow.

But what happens if I mix these two together?

It'll make a brand-new colour.

That colour is called blullow.

And that colour is called...

..James.

Once they're mixed together,

I can use my thumb as a paintbrush on this.

I mean, it's like a brown colour, isn't it?

What's brown? A piece of turd.

There we go.

And hey presto! I've made a blullow car.

Boobs.

I've got to go now.

But not before I sing the theme tune again,

exactly the same as I sang it the first time round.

Let's dance together!

Goodbye, everyone.

# Science Today... #

# Science Today... #

# Dr Rosie Ramsey, Science Today... #

# Science yesterday... # # Get ready for Science Today

# Not science tomorrow

# Science Today! #

I will kill you!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

When I was a child growing up in the 1970s,

the BBC used to show really boring Open University lecturers.

It was so tedious and awful.

For the vast majority of it, that's what Mathew reminded me of.

That's what I was going for.

And then every now and then something weird just sneaked in.

Here's Science Mat.

# Science Today and science all your life... #

LAUGHTER

I guess those broadcasts when you were a child

were different over in the States, were they?

Much more aggressive.

Yeah. Yeah, "Get fucking buckled in."

LAUGHTER

I don't know how relevant "I will kill you" is.

Listen, you know what that's gonna do?

Bring them back for the next episode.

I mean, the thing I thought about Rosie was she's just

a pretty good presenter. Hmm. Weren't she?

Well, that was the task. Yeah.

OK, let's stop for the last time and take a break.

Come back when someone will win

and then have to give back some borrowed prizes,

and there was me thinking this show couldn't get any more low rent.

We'll see you in a minute.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back! It's the last part of the show and the cast are auditioning

to be children's TV science presenters.

Yes, they are. Because that's what the task told them to do

and no-one seems to question the premise.

Now, for our final two it is Stevie and it is Fatiha.

Oh, how are you folks, my name's Dr Darth Light Finger.

My name is...F-F-F-F-F-Fah.

And I'd like to welcome you

all to Science Today today.

Which two experiments shall we do today on Science Today?

Hmm...

I'm going to pick one and four.

Number one - the bounce experiment!

Boing, boing, boing, boingy-boing! Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing!

This ball is so bouncy. Watch this!

BALL BOUNCES Good lord!

This fantastical orb has a tiny tracker inside.

This is what... WAH! It scared me.

And I'll also do number two -

the toothpaste experiment.

Huh. The balloon popping experiment.

Nobody likes the sounds

of balloons popping, do they? Especially not me.

As everyone knows elephants have teeth that can grow to this big.

Well, you can easily stop a balloon from popping

by filling it with liquid.

The best way to get toothpaste for your elephant is

to manufacture it in your home.

Right here we go, bruv.

This is not going to work.

Stop!

First I just need to add this yeast

to my warm water. I'm stirring vigorously!

See? I told you I could...do it.

Now... This is crazy.

And I'll put all the glitter into

the special elephant's toothpaste mixture bottle.

I'm also going to blow a balloon up now with

the gas inside my body.

I'm not farting into a balloon. Are you mad?

I always make a horrible retching sound. Sorry about that.

SHE RETCHES

Watch the chemicals react! Huh!

When I put a sharp pin on

the first balloon, it won't make a noise at all.

It'll be absolutely silent.

Oh, my God. Is it going to blow?

Oh, my God. I can't do it.

Ahh...

Oh. Huh! Bruv.

Look at that. David Attenborough, you can suck it. Look at that, bruv.

And now let's give him, let's give Ellie a little clean.

BUH! Brrr!

Cover your ears, it's bang time.

OK, here we go.

Oh, my God. Ahhh!

There we go.

That was Science Today...today.

Woo! Good bye, everyone. Science, science, science.

State of mind! Science is the shit.

My hands are really sticky. Science is great! Science!

Dr Darth Light Finger.

Yes.

I just thought she was quite a good presenter. OK.

Until... I just...

The noise you made when you were cleaning the elephant's tusks.

I didn't hear it. Well, let's have a listen. Here we go.

BUH! Brrr!

OK, I get that, yeah. Fatiha. Yeah?

OK. The scientist was called F-F-F-F-Fah?

I couldn't... Do you know what? As soon as I walked in

and I saw the balloons on the side I was like, "Oh, shit."

So I couldn't really think of anything.

I'm just wondering. Yeah. If you were

a children's science presenter... Hm. Yeah. OK.

When you put the pin into the balloon that had

a bit of water in it, you, Fatiha, were genuinely amazed it had worked.

You went, "Huh!"

Then you had to get back into F-F-F-F-Fah character.

And I just wonder if, should a children's science teacher,

when she sticks a pin into a balloon and she's amazed by it,

should she say, "David Attenborough, you can suck it."?

And I'd argue, should anyone in this country say,

"David Attenborough, you can suck it."?

"Look at that, bruv."

Well, it's...it's most authoritative delivery.

She was authoritative. Thank you. She was authoritative.

But also with fewest mistakes and arguably... Oh, really?

..you ignored quite a bit of the instructions.

I feel that Rosie was, uh, the most accurate and authoritative,

followed by Stevie, and then Mathew and Fatiha and Jason, to me... Yeah?

..were all very engaging and very interesting, but had moments

of such madness that it didn't sit within the word authoritative.

So you won't like it, but I'm going to give them all three points.

So it's three to Fatiha, three to Jason, three to Mathew,

four to Stevie and five to Rosie Ramsey! There we go.

Let's see the scores, please. Yes, well it is still hers to lose.

Stevie's in the lead with 18 points now.

Come on.

OK, everybody. Please stay where you are for the final task of the show!

ALL: Ooh!

Who's going to read the task? I think Fatiha's

going to read the task.

"Say whether the next person will have

"a higher or lower number of things than

"the previous person.

"The category of things will change each time.

"If you make two mistakes, you are eliminated.

"Last player standing wins."

So, we start with a picture of me. So, it's whether

the next person has more or less things than me

and Greg will tell you what the category of things is.

Ready? Does the person next in line have a higher or lower

shoe size than Alex?

Reveal the person, higher or lower shoe size than Alex Horne.

Not many people have a higher shoe size than me.

In fact, it's only Greg. It is Rosie Ramsey,

it is lower. You are all right!

Yes. Yes.

Does the person next in line have a higher or lower

Wikipedia entry word count than Rosie Ramsey?

They've all gone higher. All gone higher.

Well, I can tell you it is actually,

it's Mathew Baynton and it is higher. It is higher.

Sorry, I've broken one of my paddles.

How and why did you do that?

I was using them to clap.

You even destroy stuff when you don't mean to.

You're welcome.

OK. Does the person next in line own a higher or lower number

of trainers than Mathew Baynton?

OK. We've got three lowers, we've got two highers.

Mathew, how many pairs of trainers do you own?

Five.

Greg, how many do you own?

16 pairs.

Higher was right! We have lost

a life here, here and at the end.

All the females lose a life.

Has the person next in line owned a higher or lower

number of dogs?

Life total, please.

They've gone higher, higher, lower, lower. Mat goes higher.

How many dogs have you owned, Greg?

Two dogs!

Oh, fuck.

How many dogs have you owned, Fatiha? Fatiha?

Zero cos they stink!

Lower is correct. If you've gone higher, we have lost

Fatiha El-Ghorri. She gets one point.

Does the person next in line have a higher or lower

number of nieces than Fatiha El-Ghorri?

She's got family.

Well, I have six nieces. Fatiha?

16. They're all correct. They all stay in. All good.

It's going to be a big wedding, Greg. Have you got the dollars?

I have.

Does the next person in line have

a lucky number that is higher or lower than Alex Horne?

Yeah. Can I ask what the logic is?

I just think he's got a very obtuse, annoying...

Like 103, or something. ..like 734. Exactly.

He's not going to just choose six, like a normal person.

Well, let's find out. Jason, you've gone higher.

And you are the next person. What is your lucky number, Jason?

11. Perfectly normal.

My lucky number is...

..one. Whoa!

No. It's 100. No, it's a trillion!

It's a trillion.

Called it. We've lost Jason Mantzoukas. He comes fourth.

Knew it. Has the person next in line visited a higher or lower number

of countries this year than Jason Mantzoukas?

Americans don't usually leave America, do they?

But he's a famous man. He is.

And here he is in Britain.

Well, the next person... It's interesting. Touche!

It's only Greg Davies.

Jason, how many countries have you visited this year?

I believe it's five. Is it higher or lower?

It's two, actually. It's lower! We've lost Rosie Ramsey.

Oh.

It's Mathew versus Stevie. Has the person next in line run

a higher or lower distance ever in their life than Greg Davies?

LAUGHTER

It's this person, Stevie. Oh.

What's the highest distance you've ever run in one go? 10K.

I tried to run a mile once.

And a man in the park said, "We've been talking.

"We don't think you should run any more."

Well, this is the final one. It could, of course, be

a draw if you both get this right or wrong.

Has the person next in line failed a higher or lower number

of driving tests than Stevie Martin?

Lower, higher. It's you, Mathew.

How many have you failed? One. How many have you failed?

None. She's never taken a test!

We have a winner! It's Stevie Martin!

APPLAUSE

Stevie Martin wins. We'll add that to the final scores.

We'll see you back down there.

She's done very badly in almost every episode.

Oh, my God. She's been rubbish.

But in this particular episode, she has got a grand total of 23 points.

She's won the episode, it's Stevie Martin!

Stevie is today's winner!

Please bowl up to the stage to behold your borrowed belongings!

Right, just two episodes to go.

But for now, it's tonight's winner.

She's done it! Stevie Martin!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media