Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[FATHER SIGHS]

[EXCLAIMS IN ANNOYANCE]

[UTENSILS CLATTERING]

Honey, it's family hour,

there must be something on.

DAUGHTER: Oh, wow, Candy Critters!

[FATHER EXCLAIMS]

Oh, great. It's Monsters, our favorite show. [MONSTROUS LAUGH]

Shh, it's starting.

[MONSTROUS LAUGH]

[FATHER CHUCKLES]

[ENCHANTING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

GAME SHOW HOST: A group of long narrow lakes in New York.

FEMALE CONTESTANT: Great lakes.

HOWARD: Finger lakes.

GAME SHOW HOST: No, I'm sorry, the correct answer is the Finger lakes.

WOMAN: Howard, you know all the answers?

We'll be back with the second round

of America's favorite quiz show after these important messages.

[CLICKS]

I feel like an ice cream.

Oh, I'll go.

Sit down and enjoy your quiz show.

But you like quiz shows, Vi.

No, they make me feel dumb.

You're not dumb, you're very bright.

Smart enough to snag a CPA.

I wanna go, it's early, people are out.

I'll be perfectly safe.

Okay, but...

but act like you own the streets. I mean, that's the secret.

And just don't get one of those crazy flavors.

I like crazy flavors, Howard.

That's why I married you.

[DOOR OPENING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[OBJECT RATTLING]

[TRAFFIC NOISES]

[OBJECT RATTLING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Anybody there?

[SIGHING]

Not likely.

GAME SHOW HOST: What Russian madman

was shot, stabbed and strangled

Rasputin. all in one night?

WOMAN: Lenin.

[BUZZER BUZZING] No, Rasputin.

[CLICKS]

[OBJECT RATTLING] It's a mouse...

stuck in the tub.

Or if Vi's coming home.

the beer in her hand.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[TAPPING]

[CLANKING]

[SINISTER INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[CLICKS]

GAME SHOW HOST: This man along with his girlfriend,

Caril Anne Fugate, went on a murder spree.

in 1956.

Charlie Starkweather.

No one with a guess?

[BUZZER BUZZING] His name was Charles Starkweather.

This air force test site was originally known as...

[POLICE SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh, I barely made it.

Here, hang this up for me.

Howard, you forgot to put the toilet seat down.

Sometimes, I think you want me to fall in and drown.

My God, Howie. What?

Heaps of towels are on the floor,

what's going on?

Towels?

That's it? On the floor.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

Vi.

Everything okay?

Vi?

[SINISTER INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

You got a thing for my coat?

[DOOR CREAKING]

Vi.

Do you ever see something that wasn't there?

VIOLET: Not that I know of, dear.

But if you did, would you worry, I mean...

if it was just once?

Would depend on what I saw.

Would you love me if I were really crazy?

I would love you even more.

[WHIRRING]

Howard, what are you talking about?

Well, you'll never get to sleep tonight with all that beer inside you.

[DOOR OPENS]

VIOLET: Three beers, Howie.

No wonder you're loaded with vitamin c.

[DOOR OPENS]

[POPS]

Go to hell.

[COMICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm gonna burst.

Howie.

I can't sleep with all that water running.

[URINATING]

Howard,

you're a CPA.

[URINATING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Pat Dmishkin asked me to come in early today.

He's pulling a complete set of uppers.

You sleep okay last night?

Yeah.

VIOLET: Howie?

You wanna pick up some Chinese on the way home?

Sure, Chinese, fine.

That's it.

You messed with the wrong Howard.

Dissolv-o, twice the strength of most leading brands.

Cuts drains in minutes.

Keep away from your small pets,

contact with eyes or fingers, flush it with cold water.

If swallowed, induce vomiting.

and call a physician immediately.

Lunch is served.

[HUMMING]

[RUMBLING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

This is my bathroom.

[COUGHING]

[GASPING]

[EXCLAIMING IN SURPRISE]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey!

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

NEIGHBOR: What's the matter, Mitla?

You keep quiet, man, or you're next.

Hey, I work nights. I need my sleep.

Pipe down, or I'll call the cops.

Yeah, I'll put you to sleep.

[CLANKING]

[MOTOR WHIRRING]

[WHIRRING]

[WHIRRING]

Here, fingie, fingie.

[WHIRRING]

Drop by... anytime.

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

[WHIRRING]

Mr. Mitla?

Mr. Mitla.

Police! Come out with your hands over your head.

Oh, my God.

It's a crime to use the toilet?

Go right ahead.

The problem's taken care of.

What problem is that, sir?

[SIGHS] You know there are five fingers on a hand.

It's only one hand, Barbara.

You ever considered how many holes there are

in the modern bathroom?

Could you put your hands up for me, sir?

There is a sink,

and the toilet,

and your overflows.

And the tub.

There's always another hole.

Whose blood is this, Mr. Mitla?

That's the finger's.

Whose finger?

That's a good question.

You know, on second thought, I'd recommend most strongly against using the toilet.

If I were you, officer, I'd hold it as long as I possibly could.

What's in there, Mr. Mitla?

I like game shows.

But there's one question,

you never really asked.

You know why all these terrible things

like murder and robbery,

you know, and fingers in the drain

happen to the nicest people?

[WATER GURGLING]

[CHUCKLES]

That's a bad idea.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHOKING]

[LAUGHS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]