Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[FATHER SIGHS]

[EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE]

[UTENSILS CLATTERING]

Honey, it's family hour, there must be something on.

DAUGHTER: Oh, wow, Candy Critters!

[FATHER EXCLAIMS]

Oh, great. It's Monsters, our favorite show! [MONSTROUS LAUGH]

Shh, it's starting.

[MONSTROUS LAUGH]

[FATHER CHUCKLES]

[GREEK INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN: "O beautiful for spacious skies,

"For amber waves of grain,

"For purple mountain majesties

"Above the fruited plain!

"America! America!

"God shed his grace on thee

"And crown thy good with brotherhood

"From sea to shining sea!"

[CHUCKLES]

"With liberty and justice for all."

Ah. "For all."

Yes. Good. [CHUCKLES]

Yo, Herc man, you don't hurry up,

you're gonna be pledging allegiance to the janitor

in the hallway while he pushes the broom.

You know they close up if you're late, right?

Are you kidding? Would Doris let that happen to me?

[CHUCKLES]

[SIRENS WAILING] [BELL TINKLES]

Yo, baby, what it is?

HERCULES: Sorry, miss, the kitchen is closed.

Maybe you can come back tonight, eh?

Hello, Mr. Valvalotus.

You know me?

Maggie Price. Immigration and Naturalization Service.

I'm your new case worker.

Where is Doris?

On leave of absence.

She's pregnant.

[MOUTHS] Whoa.

Not surprised?

It happens.

Mr. Valvalotus,

your application for naturalization is incomplete.

Your files reveal no record of a physical examination.

Well, this is all taken care of.

I think you should talk to Doris.

She can help you.

One half hour I take oath of citizenship.

Not without the physical.

But this is not fair. This is...

I think we should discuss, Maggie.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I mean, you can see that I am strong, healthy.

For me, a physical is ridiculous.

[CHUCKLES]

Come on, give me a break, huh?

I've heard all about you, Mr. Valvalotus.

So I'll lay it right out.

If you ask me to falsify your application,

I'll deport you, and I mean it.

Do you hate me, huh?

Or are you hiding your heart from me, huh?

You're breathing on my neck.

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING] Oh.

You are not so cold as you play.

I can feel your heart beating.

Boom, ba-ba-boom. Ba-ba-boom.

Never mind my heart, Mr. Valvalotus.

Article 15, subsection 32 point 17

of the United States Immigration Statutes stipulate

that foreign nationals must demonstrate that

they are free of bodily disease

to gain eligibility for citizenship. Okay?

Okay.

You can expect an INS doctor first thing tomorrow.

It's your decision.

Take the physical or pack your bags.

Have a nice day, honey. [BELL TINKLES]

Man, that witch is cold.

This is no good.

Finally found one you couldn't handle, huh, Herc?

What? Her?

No. But even I need time.

And this doctor comes tomorrow.

I often have problems with men

jealous of my great success with women.

Exactly what is wrong with you, Hercy?

You got a problem or something like that?

It's nothing, it's a birth defect.

But many people are prejudiced with it.

That's why I came to America.

Land of the free.

Luis, you are my best friend in America.

You know how important this is to me.

From you I need a very large favor.

Oh, I, I don't know, Herc man,

I got a date at 7:30 p.m. with three models and...

Oh, you poor woman.

[PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, Maggie.

Did you catch up with Valvalotus?

Yes.

So, how was he?

The worst kind of pick-up artist.

Come right on to you.

No subtlety, no finesse, insulting, degrading.

He just stares at you with these bedroom eyes, you feel him

stripping you with these eyes.

[CLEARS THROAT]

It's so raw.

Uh, blatant.

Yeah?

So you think he was the one who, you know, Doris?

Oh, yeah, she as much said so.

He even tried to suave me out of making him take the physical.

[LAUGHS]

How far did he get?

[GREEK INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[EXHALES]

[PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING]

"Hercules".

[BEEPING]

[LINE RINGING]

WOMAN: [OVER PHONE] Medical services.

Yes, hi, this is Maggie Price.

I was just wondering if Dr. Shiller was running on schedule.

One moment, please. Thanks.

Look at this.

Thinks he can buy me with coffee and a danish.

Want that?

WOMAN: Dr. Shiller isn't in today.

Dr. Moss is covering for him.

Dr. Moss? Who's Dr...

Dr. Moss? Yes, that's right.

Done with this?

They sent Moss to Valvalotus.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Yo, baby, but you said you will go out with me.

Now I wanna go out with you, you don't wanna go out with me.

[DOOR SHUTS] What's...

Forget it.

Oh, baby, can I help you?

I'm Dr. Moss.

I have an appointment with Hercules Valvalotus.

That's me. Let's do it.

You're Hercules Valvalotus?

Baby, I'll be anybody you want me to be.

Pardon me, miss.

Yes?

You're the doctor from the INS?

II'm Hercules.

My friend here was just playing a little joke.

[CHUCKLES]

I love jokes.

You know, I am a little bit shy about this

getting naked in front of a beautiful woman.

It is very new to me.

Oh, I understand.

But I'm a highly trained professional.

And I just bet I can find a way to help you relax.

Oh.

There, isn't that better already?

Yes.

HERCULES: Of course it is true.

[HERCULES AND MOSS LAUGHING]

MOSS: MM-hmm.

Mm, yes.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh.

Here. Where?

Put it here.

Oh.

Oh, it's getting stronger.

[BOTH LAUGH]

How am I doing?

Mm, very well.

Oh. A little lower.

Okay.

[DOOR OPENS]

[BELL TINKLING]

[LAUGHING]

This is unbelievable.

Oh, Maggie, you're just in time.

Just what do you think you're doing?

Oh, come on, have some wine, laugh with us.

Three can be a lot of fun.

There's plenty for everyone.

This man is my client.

This man is a visitor in our country.

Oh, shove it.

[HERCULES LAUGHS]

That's it.

Oh, Maggie, come on.

[LAUGHS]

I can fix this jealousy.

Just who do you think you are?

Oh, don't try and fight me.

Don't try and fight your heart.

You already got your one-night bimbo, mister

Come on, honey, time for your physical.

Okay, Maggie,

I can see why you might speak with Dr. Moss's superior,

but filing a complaint with the AMA?

Right.

Now I have messages here

from the Department of Health,

the Liquor Licensing Board,

and the FBI.

All inquiring about one Hercules Valvalotus.

Ms. Price,

if we call this excessive, we are still dealing an understatement.

Is this some sort of vendetta?

Look. Mr. Vega,

I admit I went overboard.

But he seduced that dimwitted medical slut.

In order to defraud the U.S. government.

He's hiding something. I know it.

Fine. Get the evidence, make a case.

But you have a more immediate problem.

Valvalotus filed a complaint against you.

Discrimination,

harassment,

and assault.

I don't have to tell you

that if the review board finds in his favor,

you could lose your job.

Oh, God.

Assault?

Maggie!

It was only a slap.

Okay.

Whatever this fight between you and Valvalotus is,

you just lost.

If I were you, I'd find some way

to get this complaint dropped.

Right.

Right.

[CHUCKLES]

What?

I know what I have to do. It's so simple.

I'm not sure I want to hear this.

Mr. Vega, trust me.

I know what I'm doing.

Two can play at his game.

[MATCH STRIKES]

[BELL TINKLES]

Hello, Hercules.

Hello, Maggie.

Hercules, why are we at war?

Sometimes it is the way of sex.

[CHOKES]

I'm glad we can talk so directly.

Hercules, I need you to drop that complaint.

[BOTH LAUGH]

But I needed your help also.

But why can't you be honest with me?

Oh, but this is honest.

No. I mean, why won't you take the physical?

Why the deception? What's the big mystery?

Are you sick?

[LAUGHS] No.

But I have a birth defect.

[BOTH GASP] Not a defect actually.

In fact, women like it very much.

But I was afraid the doctor might be a man.

Well, you must have been thrilled to meet Dr. Boobs.

[LAUGHS]

All I wanted is to be an American. Is that so terrible?

Now you be honest with me, Maggie.

Don't you want me to stay in this country?

I think you do.

The hair, the eyes,

this dress.

I think you choose because soon

you think to undress for me, no?

I don't understand the way you make me feel.

It's strange.

Possibly even humiliating.

There's something about you.

It can be sweet for both of us.

Give in to it.

You know why I can resist you, Hercules?

'Cause you're used goods.

You can't keep your pants on.

I want something real.

Cheap flings aren't worth my energy.

Cheap, huh?

Used?

Okay, Maggie, you want to call names? [CLANKING]

You want to play hard to get?

Hmm?

Resist this.

[ZIPPER OPENS] [HERCULES LAUGHS]

VEGA: Maggie?

Maggie. Yeah.

Are you all right? Yes.

You've been in a trance all morning.

[POURS LIQUID]

Why don't you take the day off?

I'm fine.

I've uh...

I've got some good news.

Valvalotus withdrew his complaint.

Oh, right.

I forgot about that.

What is this?

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, look how beautiful.

Can we get a slice of that?

Okay.

What's so funny?

[LAUGHING] Just thinking about Maggie.

What she would be like in bed.

Possibly tomorrow, but I think maybe even tonight.

Well, look at this.

What's this?

Maybe she made me an American citizen already.

She loves me so bad.

Damn her!

Yo, what you trying to do, man? Give me a heart attack?

What the hell...

Man oh, man.

She can't do this.

This, this is no woman.

This is a demon... [SPEAKING IN GREEK]

She dares do this to me?

Yo, she's violating your civil rights, man.

Somebody got to do something about her.

I mean, she can't deport you.

Deport you, man? You make the best souvlaki east of the Mississippi.

You know, I told you that witch was trouble, right?

I told you and you didn't wanna listen.

Too bad.

VEGA: How can you justify this?

I had to do it to protect myself.

Come again?

He wants me to make love to him

and God help me, I can't end up like Doris!

Oh, Maggie.

Why didn't you tell me?

This is classic case of worker burnout.

When you're overworked you tell me.

Now the first thing we do is take this case out of your hands.

I can get it to Sybil.

No! No. No.

[LAUGHS MANICALLY] She can't handle him.

Trust me.

And you don't want Hercules Valvalotus in this country.

Why not?

Well, the reason he didn't wanna take the physical,

he's deformed.

There's no mention of deformity in his records.

He hides it under his clothes.

Then how did you see it?

If it's under his clothes then how did you...

Really?

Well, deformity is not grounds for deportation.

This one is. Trust me.

I'm afraid I can't do that.

Would you want to

describe it?

Well,

His feet. Feet?

They're like hooves. Okay?

And his legs are all hairy. Okay?

Okay? Okay, Maggie.

He's even got a tail.

And when he gets, you know, aroused...

Yes?

His horns, they grow out of his head.

[LAUGHS]

Damn it, Vega! How can you be so dense?

He's a satyr!

Okay, Maggie.

I'm gonna have someone to take you home.

You're going on medical leave.

No. No.

I'm sorry I yelled.

But I'm not burnt out.

And I'm not crazy!

Extended medical leave.

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

I can prove Hercules Valvalotus is a satyr.

[GREEK INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[BELL TINKLES]

Don't turn around.

Damn it, Hercules, do exactly as I tell you or I'm...

What?

What do you want from me?

Okay, now,

drop your pants.

No.

Shoot me. If you can.

Because if you don't...

Hercules, stay away!

[CLATTERS]

HERCULES: Maggie!

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY]

Maggie!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHS WICKEDLY]

[GRUNTING]

Don't.

I put you above them all,

and I was nothing to you.

Never in my life have I harmed a woman,

but you, you're no woman!

You're a demon

sent to destroy me.

In my dreams

I've plunged my dagger into your breast

a hundred times.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

In my dreams a hundred times I've plunged my...

My...

[GREEK INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Delicious Maggie.

I knew you would be the best.

Hercules, did you mean what you said before?

What?

Oh, that I was, you know, different from the others.

The most special ever.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Now you must fix my papers

so that I can stay

and we can be together.

I can't do that.

Why?

There is no provision for mythological creatures under U.S. immigration law.

I don't believe this!

This I don't believe!

But I was thinking there's another way you can stay.

You have to take another oath, only this is kinda different.

But it makes you a citizen

and you don't have to take the physical.

Are you playing games with me?

Don't play games with me, Maggie.

What oath? The Pledge of Allegiance?

No. Not that one.

Just repeat after me.

"In sickness and in health."

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

Until death do us part.

"Until death do us part."

Perfect.

"Perfect."

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]