Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[FATHER SIGHS]

[EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE]

[UTENSILS CLATTERING]

Honey, it's family hour, there must be something on.

DAUGHTER: Oh, wow, Candy Critters!

[FATHER EXCLAIMS]

Oh, great. It's Monsters, our favorite show! [MONSTROUS LAUGH]

Shh. It's starting.

[MONSTROUS LAUGH]

[FATHER CHUCKLES]

Victoria.

Have I ever told you how beautiful you are when you are hungry?

Don't distract me, darling.

I'm in Cerebellum.

[EXHALES]

This is it.

Total micro-chip replacement

of the cerebellum function.

You're good. You are a genius.

Not everyone would agree.

Don't forget...

The New England Journal of Medicine called me mad.

No, darling...

The phrase they used was morally bankrupt.

No one could impugn your mental abilities.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Ready to close.

[TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOOR CREAKS]

[EXHALES]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Hunk.

Hunk.

Hi, honey. I'm home.

But you're... You're dead.

[SIGHS]

I must be hornier than I thought.

You and me, both pumpkin.

I've thought a lot about you, Vicky.

This can't be happening.

That's what I said when my plane went down

in the headwaters of the Mama Negra.

By then, both sides of the conflict wanted me dead

So, I let 'em think I was.

Sorry I couldn't write, honey bun.

It's tough being the wife of a soldier of fortune.

Wait, you've been hiding out

for seven years n the jungle alone?

Well, not exactly.

You see...

This tribe of Indians, pulled me out of the river.

Never seen a white man before.

Classic stuff.

I tell you, Vicky.

There are worst things in this world than being worshiped as a god

by a tribe of fun loving, naked people.

So, why did you come back?

I miss civilization.

Oh.

Burgers and fries.

Automatic weapons.

My wife.

[SIGHS] I can't believe you're not dead.

There is no justice in this world

Does this feel dead to you?

Back off, Hunk.

I haven't said I'm glad to see you.

Oh, you don't have to sweet cheeks.

Let your body do the talking.

Get your paws off of me,

you fat headed dimwit.

Hunk... Hunk!

Hunk... Mmm.

Oh, oh!

[BEEPING]

[BEEPING GRADUALLY DECREASES]

[SIGHS]

What the hell is this?

This thing's got no head

Wait, did I do that?

No, I did.

And it's a parrot for your information.

You'd think a man who lived seven years in the jungle

would know a parrot when he sees one.

Well, in a jungle they come with heads.

Too bad, you don't

You panicked, Hunk,

an unattractive emotion, panic

Good morning, darling.

Perhaps, you'll introduce me to your...

beach combing friend.

Edward, this is...

Billy Hunkle.

I should've known. [LAUGHS]

Hunk!

Eddie.

Hey Eddie, check out the bird

He's got no head.

Very perceptive.

In fact, Hunk...

that was my bird.

That's five years of my life skewered on your pocket knife

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] No joke.

Well, I guess a guy like you has got

nothing better to do than chop the heads off of little birds

[THUDS]

I'll get some coffee.

So, tell me Hunk.

To what do we owe

the dubious pleasure of your return from the dead.

Huh?

What do you want?

Oh. Vicky, I want her back

Oh, I see.

Hunk, er, I'm aware that you hold some

or rather, I should say, held some

animal attraction for Victoria.

But I think you'll find, that she and I have a relationship that...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Relationship?

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Eddie, Eddie...

When you live in a jungle,

you learn a thing or two about what really counts.

You see...

A thing ain't worth squat,

unless you can jump on it,

eat it or pick your teeth with it.

There are no relationships in the jungle.

Only hunger.

This isn't the jungle.

Don't kid yourself, Eddie.

Here we are. Ah.

Wait.

I like my sugar.

Oh, Vicky remembers.

Don't you... sugar?

But I don't want to see him.

I don't want him in this house.

Darling... we've never lied to each other.

Let's not start now.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

I don't know what to think.

[SOBBING]

But how can I have this very...

intense, very physical.

I loathe him.

But my body has a mind of it's own.

He's in my system

like a drug.

You might as well face it...

you're addicted.

Oh, Edward, I'm so sorry.

What am I going to do?

Let me handle this.

I gotta admire you.

I don't know how you do it, Eddie.

Goin' at 'em day after day.

Stuck in that chair

all weak and shaky.

Well,

at least I have Victoria to take care of me.

Afraid not.

[EXHALES]

Vicky's leaving with me.

I saw it in her eyes this morning.

No!

Oh, look, Eddie, Eddie.

You're a nice guy.

But let's face it you're a crip.

Oh, sure, sure, you can ask her to stay.

And maybe she will...

out of loyalty or pity.

But...

is that what you really want?

Watching her year after year

shriveling up inside like a...

like an old banana leaf.

Uh, no. I won't let you do it to her.

I love Vicky and Vicky loves me.

[SIGHS]

I'll fight you for her if I have to.

Oh!

Hunk...

How can I fight you?

You have... everything to offer her.

I have... nothing.

Perhaps the best I can do...

is make it easy for her.

I've often thought of...

ending it all.

Now you're talking.

I've had this gun in the house for years.

But I never thought of firing it.

I believe the ammo...

as you would call it.

Is in the top of the hall closet.

[TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh.

They're real easy to load.

Hey, I can reach it down for you.

Strange, I...

I'm not really afraid of dying.

In a way...

[STAMMERS] I could welcome it.

Oh, yeah.

And then you'd be out of Vicky's hair.

She could have everything, this...

this house...

All this stuff, your fortune.

The only thing I'm afraid of...

is botching the job.

I wouldn't want to survive the attempt.

Gotcha! Clean and neat.

Hurray. Yeah.

You're... you're a killer, Hunk.

Show me how you do it.

It's an art, Eddie.

Some people...

They go for the temple.

Others, they go for under the chin.

Me, personally...

I put my money on the el mundo.

First, take off the safety. [CLICKS]

Then, insert it.

Pointing up, okay?

Oh, and then you just...

pull the trigger?

Just... don't yank it.

Just squeeze gently.

I'm watching.

I know.

[GUNSHOT]

Yes!

VICTORIA: Edward...

VICTORIA: Edward...

Oh, Edward. Darling.

I heard a shot, I thought...

Are you all right? Perfectly.

But poor Hunk though.

Oh, my God.

I tried to stop him.

But why?

He was so despondent.

No, I mean why did you try to stop him.

This really is for the best, don't you think?

Victoria.

You never cease to amaze me.

But what will we do with him?

Well...

Hurry, darling.

This heat is doing Hunk no good.

All secure.

[SIGHS] I don't think this is going to do it.

Oh, that's it.

You... you've got it now.

[SIGHS IN RELIEF] All right.

Well, there's a second justice in this wouldn't you say,

considering how he negated our work with Polly.

There's so much we still don't understand about the nervous system.

I hope we're not making a mistake Ah.

There's nothing more instructive than a healthy mistake.

[MONITOR BEEPS]

[BEEPS]

Do you realize how much goes into a simple act like pouring.

It took me a week to get that right.

Hunk was always a slow learner

It's not Hunk anymore, my sweet.

We should think of it...

as the robo Butler.

[BEEPING]

It would be my legs.

My hands.

I hope he'll be a more reliable Butler than he was a husband.

Thank you, Hunk. That would be all.

[EDWARD TYPING]

Edward... I can't explain it.

But I have a bad feeling about this.

Some feminine intuition.

Oh, come come, Victoria.

One would hardly know that you're a scientist.

Let me show you what I've been working on

[TYPING] I've got it programmed

for... the moonwalk. [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[TYPING] [BEEPING]

The swim.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

And the Waltz.

I know how much you love to dance, my darling.

It would give me great pleasure to waltz with you

by proxy, as it were.

Really, Edward, I do not see the point in dancing with a...

Oh, go ahead and try it out, darling.

Please.

All right.

[SIGHS]

[WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[EDWARD CONTINUES TYPING]

[TYPING] [BEEPING]

Hunk, slow down.

[MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO]

Ah!

Edward stop him.

Edward.

You did that on purpose.

Nonsense, why would I?

Because you're jealous.

Perhaps you're the one who is jealous.

Jealous of my new toy.

Well, there's no need, you know.

As soon as I eliminate the bugs in it's program...

You can play with it too.

Frankly Edward, it's the bugs in your program that worry me.

[KNUCKLES CRACKING]

Mmm.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[BEEPING]

Hunk... what?

Edward, are you...

[MOANS] Hunk.

Oh, Edward... thank you.

Thank you. [MOANS]

Oh, Hunk!

Hunk!

Hunk!

[HUNK BEEPING]

Oh, Hunk.

Look at us.

You've lost your head.

And I'm losing my mind.

I don't know if I'm in bed with my husband or...

my ex-husband,

or my dead ex-husband,

or my butler.

Well it's certainly not me.

Edward.

I've never been able to bring that glow to your cheeks.

But you sent him in here, didn't you?

Of course not.

Then that means... Yes.

Somehow... even without a cerebrum,

your "ex" appears capable of

directed independent action.

His body thinks, more or less.

Help me get him back on the table

before he remembers how he got this way.

I'll get a rope.

You're finished, Hunk.

This time you're dead meat.

[CHOKES]

[GASPS]

[NECK CRACKING]

[GASPING AND STUTTERING] I...

Oh, Edward.

No. No.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

This wasn't my idea.

I always loved you Hunk. You know that.

[GRUNTS]

Good Hunk.

Nice Hunk!

Down, boy! [GRUNTS]

Have a nightcap?

[BEEPING]

[BEEPING GRADUALLY DECREASES]

[THUDS]

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES]

You guys...

[SIGHS]

[SOLEMN INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[GIGGLES]

Mmm.

That's perfect.

And how are you feeling today, darling?

Never better.

Thanks to you...

my angel.

My dearest.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]