Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[FATHER SIGHS]

[EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE]

[UTENSILS CLATTERING]

Honey, it's family hour,

there must be something on.

DAUGHTER: Oh, wow, Candy Critters!

[FATHER EXCLAIMS]

Oh, great. It's Monsters, our favorite show!

[MONSTROUS LAUGH]

Shh, it's starting.

[MONSTROUS LAUGH]

[FATHER CHUCKLES]

[CREAKING]

[WIND BLOWING]

TOMMY: It's blood.

Swirling blood.

There's a place like this in your town.

A place just like this.

Every town has a place like this.

The barber shop where the prices have not changed

in 20 years.

A place where no one seems to go.

[EERIE MUSIC]

Just the usual. Please.

Years ago, when I was still in school,

I used to have a friend.

His name was Kevin,

and he used to think that barbers were vampires.

He used to think that this shop,

was owned by vampires.

And he almost convinced me.

[DOG BARKING]

But he was wrong.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm telling you man, they're vampires.

They're freaking vampires.

Who?

Who? Who?

Who have I been talking about for the last ten minutes?

For Christ's sakes, Tommy.

You were taking about Mr. Innes and Mr. D'Onofrio.

But they're barbers, Kevin, not vampires.

Yes, they are barbers and vampires.

What've you been doing? Following them?

Jeez, you got notes in here on

when they get to their shop, when they go home,

who goes in for a haircut?

Come on Kev, they're just a couple of old guys

trying to make a living. Leave them alone.

Almost nobody goes in there.

And the people who do aren't going in for haircuts.

So the people who go to this barber shop,

and pay the barbers money to cut their hair,

aren't going in for haircuts?

There.

What do you think of that, huh?

I think your mom is going to kill you.

My mom?

She hasn't been in here since I was six.

This is blood, Tommy.

Blood, dripping and spilling.

It's been the sign of the barbers for almost 600 years.

You know why?

Because it used to be their guild sign.

Back in the middle ages, everyone belonged to a guild.

Kind of like the union your father belongs to now.

Yeah, yeah. But why blood?

And why does that make them vampires?

KEVIN: I've been watching them for weeks, man.

There is something really weird going on there.

I've seen other old guys go in there to get a haircut,

and they come out with their hair the same.

Okay, I'll bite. Pardon the expression.

If they don't go in for a haircut, then what do they do?

I'm not sure.

I think it's some kind of trade.

They go in carrying these big bottles of something.

But they come out with these little bottles

filled with red fluid. Blood.

There's just one problem with that, Kev.

What?

Vampires are supposed to steal blood.

Not trade it.

Okay. Okay.

But there is something weird going on there.

And we're gonna prove that Innes and D'Onofrio are vampires.

Sure. How?

It's after 11.

According to my notebook,

they're both home in bed by now.

I thought vampires slept in the daytime.

Whatever. The important thing is,

the barber shop's empty now.

And that's where we'll find our proof.

Hey, I don't want to do anything illegal.

KEVIN: Come on man, what's a little breaking and entering between friends.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOOR LATCH CLANGING]

Damn!

[BELL TINKLING]

I knew it would work.

Now, you wanted proof that Innes and D'Onofrio are vampires.

I'll give you proof. Come on.

Kev, you're nuts.

[DOOR SHUTS]

[BELL TINKLING]

You're gonna get us both in a lot--

Oh, come on.

Barney only drives his patrol car by here once a night

and it's going to be three hours before that happens.

Well, shut the lights off.

Okay. Now you want some proof?

Like I said,

they;ve used dripping blood as their guild sign for almost 600 years.

That's your proof?

Uh-uh.

What we're looking for

are those little bottles of blood I told you about.

And maybe some leeches.

Leeches?

God, Kev. My mom says you're the only gifted kid she's ever met

but sometimes I think you're just plain nuts.

Leeches! For Christ's sake.

KEVIN: Oh, come on.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah. I did research.

The reason that they use blood as their sign,

is that back in the middle ages, the barbers were

surgeons, sort of.

Except the only reason they could help people is they bleed them.

Bleed them?

Yeah, if somebody got

sick or broke a leg or something

they go see the barber and the barber would bleed them.

Sometimes they used leeches

to suck the blood out of people.

Ugh, gross.

Sometimes they used the same razor to shave people.

Hey, cut it out. Come on.

Hey... hey.

What?

Look at this.

So, it's an old razor with some jewels engraved on it.

Old? It's real old.

Four or five hundred years at least,

and look at this inscription.

[SPEAKING LATIN]

Looks like Latin.

Of course, it's Latin you dip.

[SPEAKING LATIN]

Maybe it says only vampires need it back.

No. It says, "Endure this evil

lest a greater come upon you".

Well, it's weird,

but it doesn't sound like a vampire's motto.

A school teacher's maybe but not a vampire.

Endure this evil.

lest a greater come upon you.

So what does all this crap have to do with vampires?

Think about it, Tom.

When did the vampires first start to disappear?

Disappear?

What do you think, they were real?

KEVIN: They first started to disappear

about 500 years ago.

Just around the time the barbers guild was starting to get powerful.

I read a lot about vampires, Tom. A lot.

And most of the serious stuff agree

that the vampire legends were starting to fade

around the late 16th century.

Now people still believed in them and everything,

they were just less afraid of them,

The number of sightings and executions dropped off.

It was like they'd gone underground or something.

Or maybe people were just getting smarter,

you know, less superstitious.

No, think!

Maybe the vampires were being wiped out.

People knew about them and how to fight them.

Oh, like a stake through the heart?

Among other things.

The vampires need to hide.

Make people think they're gone and still get the blood they need.

If you're a vampire, where do you go?

To Transylvania?

No!

You join the barbers' guild.

Think about it. Instead of sneaking into people's houses at night,

they invite you in.

They don't even struggle with you when you put a blade to their vein.

Or put a leech on them.

No, they pay you instead.

No wonder the barbers are the only guild

they hasn't changed their sign in 600 years.

They're vampires, Tommy.

All of them?

I don't think so. I think it's just a few places in small towns like this,

places without many customers.

Places that don't change their prices in years.

I mean, if these prices are so good,

why doesn't everyone get their hair cut here?

They give lousy haircuts.

Of course they do.

'Cause they don't want customers, they want victims.

They want blood!

There's just a slight problem with that, Kev.

What?

I hate to break it to you and mess up your neat theories and all, but

there hasn't exactly been a scourge of missing people

or dead bodies around town.

In fact, I can't think of anyone who has ended up dead

under mysterious circumstances in the past year or two except

old man, Peterson.

And that wasn't too mysterious.

His wife got fed up with his snoring and shot him five times.

I'm working on that.

[CAT MEWING]

[METAL CRASHING]

Let's get out of here.

It's really weird.

Innes and D'Onofrio go out to people's houses too.

And not just any people.

Mr. Muir's place out on Grand View Drive

Mrs. Evertt's mansion, the old Plankman estate.

So? What's so mysterious about that?

Rich people like to get their hair cut at home.

Oh, from the two worst barbers in the county?

You said they were cheap.

Maybe that's how rich people stay rich.

Get serious.

Anyway, that's not the best part.

When they go out to people's houses

it's just like when people come here.

The bottles I mean.

[SCOFFS] Oh, great. Now we have vampires who deliver.

Listen!

They go in with little bottles filled with something.

But they come out

with big bottles full of red.

It's like they're bringing something from the barber shop to trade.

Sure. Hair tonic.

It's not funny.

Oh, the heck it isn't.

And the best part about your vampire barbers is that

they're just biting just the rich folks,

they only drink premium.

[TOMMY LAUGHING]

Now what?

Now we look for more proof.

Oh, come on, man.

If we get caught, it's gonna look bad on our records.

I'll probably get thrown off the basketball team

and maybe they won't let you in those gifted kid classes next year.

[GRIPPING MUSIC PLAYING]

Kev!

Get this off of me!

Whoa.

[COUGHING]

Man, that was weird.

Interesting.

Interesting?

Okay, well you stay around and be interested if you want. I'm out of here.

There's no back exit. That door was closed off years ago.

Oh, yeah? Then where does this go?

All right.

All right.

Well, there's a stairway going down, but... but there's no light.

Let's check it out.

Oh, no.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on.

Hurry up, Kev.

What!

[BELL TINKLING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[BELL TINKLING]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

What are you doing in our shop boy?

Answer Mr. D'Onofrio, boy.

What are you doing breaking into our shop at night?

Relax, okay? Relax.

I'm just on a scavenger hunt.

I'm pledging the fraternity

and I needed a pair of barber's shears.

I was gonna bring them back, honest.

Tell the truth, boy.

[CHUCKLING]

Okay.

Okay, I needed some cash

and I thought your register would be an easy target.

Call the cops.

You're no college student.

And you're no thief.

You're that damn kid who lives in the apartment building

across the street.

With that old woman who's drunk all the time.

What do you want here?

Mr. Innes.

Mr. D'Onofrio.

I came to prove you are vampires.

Vampires?

You mean like what we see on the Dracula movies on the late show?

What do you know about vampires?

I know them when I see them.

And I'm looking at two of the lousy blood suckers right now.

I've already told my mom and my friends.

You might just as let me out of here.

If we were vampires,

the light would destroy us.

But you see us in daylight everyday.

That's bull!

That daylight destroying crap is just in the movies.

The old book say that vampire just don't like daylight.

That's why you get here in the morning,

leave the blinds closed all day and leave after dark.

And what else do your old books say about vampires?

You can't cross running water.

Well, young gentleman,

how do you account for the fact

that while you were following me on Monday,

I crossed the river several times.

That's not important. That could just be superstition.

Tell us one that is not just superstition.

Tell us an important one.

Crosses. All vampires hate and fear crosses.

Stupid boy.

If you had followed me on Sunday,

rather than Monday,

you'd have seen me go to mass at St. Bernadettes'.

As my father did,

and his father before him.

You forgot the most important thing about vampires.

Mirrors.

Aren't vampires supposed to hate mirrors, boy?

They don't throw reflections, isn't that right?

That's just in the movies.

They don't like them because they throw their real reflection.

Well, you see my real reflection and Mr. D'Onofrio's.

Do we look like the Nosferatu to you, the undead?

[GASPING]

[LAUGHING]

No. I'm sorry I was wrong.

Ah, Mr. Innes.

Mr. D'Onofrio.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

We're not vampires.

[KEVIN SCREAMS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[DARK MUSIC PLAYING]

That's where the blood goes.

That's the vampire.

[GASPIING]

Come.

You and your friend were curious.

Come and meet the master.

[SPEAKING LATIN]

By the time the masters approached our guild,

oh, almost six centuries ago by now,

they had already passed beyond hope of hiding amongst humankind.

You see? They've continued to change,

to allow themselves to be themselves you might say.

[KEVIN SCREAMING]

Don't worry about bleeding to death, boy.

After 14 generations, I'm expert at this.

[MR. D'ONOFRIO CHUCKLING]

Good. Good.

Don't worry about your friend.

He will recover.

In fact, he'll soon be better than ever.

Literally.

You see,

the master gave us an order we could not refuse.

Not immortality perhaps, at least

not the eon spanning immortality of the master

but enough to make life very long.

Very long indeed.

Come, we'll bring this to your friend.

And then allow him to meet the master.

Excellent. As always.

Just the usual, please.

TOMMY: The deal was simple.

Blood for blood.

Large bottles of human blood to sustain the life of the master.

And his blood in small bottles

to prolong the lives of the chosen.

[WIND BLOWING]

Blood. Spiraling round and round.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]