Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[FATHER SIGHS]

[EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE]

[UTENSILS CLATTERING]

Honey, it's family hour,

there must be something on.

DAUGHTER: Oh, wow, Candied Critters!

[FATHER EXCLAIMS]

Oh, Great. It's Monsters, our favorite show!

[MONSTROUS LAUGH]

Shh. It's starting.

[MONSTROUS LAUGH]

[FATHER CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[COUGHING]

And now, for the final ingredients.

Ah!

A pinch of sulfur.

Ah...

Slime from a standing pool.

The eye of a murdered corpse.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

I do hope this wasn't a suicide.

June, I tell you, this fantastic new premium policy

is gonna increase my sales by 30% in the next quarter alone.

I tell you, those boys in Chicago,

they really know how to craft a quality plan.

Arthur, couldn't we talk about something else for a change?

"Something else"?

Why would you wanna talk about something else?

Is there something wrong with insurance?

No...

so long as I'm willing to discuss it morning, noon, and night,

our meals, in the car, in bed.

You even pitched me a term life policy at my mother's funeral.

Arthur, this is taking all the romance out of our marriage.

Haven't you noticed?

I know. I know, June, but you don't understand.

This new cost replacement plan could catapult me

into the annals of insurance brokerage history.

Just look at these figures.

[GRUNTING]

And what else?

"Graveyard mold."

Hmm.

"The severed claw of a diseased squellam."

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

What the hell is a squellam?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

I presume a diseased bat's claw will work.

If I will it to work...

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Then it will work!

Arthur, please don't work all night again.

But, dear, if I could just get a head start on this one, we could be set for life.

I'll tell you what, darling.

Isn't there something I can do for you?

Oh, boy, there sure is. Be honest with me.

What would you think if I cross collateralized my fire and theft accounts?

I love you, Arthur, but you are obsessed.

Couldn't you just get a hobby like other men?

But work is my hobby.

Good night, Arthur.

But, June, you don't understand!

It would help me so much if I could just

discuss my work with my own wife.

Or with anybody.

Now, what remains?

Ah, yes.

[GRUNTING]

The light... from the moon.

[CHANTING GIBBERISH]

[LAUGHING]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

Holy mackerel! What is this?

Holy mackerel! What is this?

I must say, I'm rather disappointed.

All our legends say that demons are fearful red things with six horns,

a dog-like snout, and long, razor-sharp claws.

There must be some mistake.

I'm not what you're looking for. I'm an insurance agent.

I don't care really what species of demon you are.

[STAMMERING] But I'm...

[SHOUTING] It won't work!

I know a demon is supposed to lie.

So let us stop wasting time.

I demand that you bring me drast.

Drast? But I don't think that you understand.

My name's Arthur. Silence!

Ugh!

I am up to all your demoniacal tricks, demon Arthur.

But I know and you know that when a demon is conjured,

he must grant one wish.

[LAUGHS]

I conjured you and I want drast.

Ten thousand pounds of it.

Okay, let's say, just hypothetically,

I refuse?

In that case, demon Arthur,

I shall be forced to conjure you again...

inside the cage of pain.

Do we understand each other, demon?

I said,

do we understand each other, demon?

Yeah, yeah. I get you this drast, or else the cage.

But I'm telling you, you've got this all wrong.

Odd.

From the moment you appeared, I've had the feeling that something is wrong,

but I can't quite put my finger on what it is.

You're unlike any species of demon I studied in sorcery school.

I wonder if I inadvertently blundered during a critical part of the...

Oh!

The bat's claw!

Where is it? Demons.

Demon- do's and don'ts, demon party games,

demon love-making tips...

Ah, here it is!

"Common mistakes while invoking demons."

"Ingredients."

"Substitution of organic ingredients

"may resort in the manifestation of dimensional counterparts."

Dimensional counterparts?

Demon, your name.

What is your name?

[STAMMERING] My name is Arthur. Arthur Gammet.

Arthur Gammet?

My name is Arturus of Gamit.

And you are the demonic counter-part of myself.

How do you know you're not a demonic counter-part of me?

I mean, I... I... I'm the normal one.

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

Don't try to trick me, demon Arthur.

You call yourself normal with that grotesque tiny head and repulsively smooth epidermis?

Are you going to do what I command, demon, or do you want the cage?

[STAMMERING] I'll get you your drast,

but first I'll have to go back to the Underworld to get it.

Yeah, the Underworld.

You know that eternal infernal hell place?

My boss, Satan,

he's a pretty frugal guy, really stingy with the drast.

All right, demon Arthur, I shall help you.

Now be gone and get me that drast.

Oh, my God.

Was that... Is this?

[SIGHS] Oh! Don't be ridiculous. Of course it wasn't real.

It's just an idiotic dream.

Oh, my God.

It happened! It happened! It happened!

It happened! It happened! It happened!

It happened!

Arthur, I asked you not to stay up all night working again.

I hate to see you like this.

What is that all over your new shirt?

Uh, I sneezed.

Next time, use a tissue.

I'm late for my train. I've got to run.

I'll be back. I have a yoga class later.

Arthur, please do something interesting with your time.

Oh, my God. I don't believe this.

Drast, drast! What the hell is drast?

Drapery, drastic, drought...

Of course there's no drast, you idiot.

It's an alien word!

Assuming I'm not losing my mind,

I got to stall until I find out what that version of myself wants.

But he can get me at any time. I got to try to figure out what to do.

I know...

I'm just going to sit, quietly without interruption and think.

All right, demon Arthur.

Where's the drast?

Arturus, I'm afraid I'll need a little more information about this drast.

Why do you need information about the old sup-de-loop?

Just a formality. Can you describe it to me?

Of course!

It's soft, heavy and yellow.

Sometimes with a reddish hue.

Gold.

Arturus, I will get you your drast,

but first, I need the exact formula you used to get me here.

I'll have to check this out with the main office in Chicago.

Enough of this trickery, demon!

You have ten seconds left to get me my drast!

Do you hear? Ten seconds.

Arturus, I need to make a report, just like in any other business.

I'll need that formula you used for starters.

You make demands on me!

Why, you have five seconds left, demon.

Sorry. No formula, no drast.

Besides, if you do put me in that cage,

you'll never see any of that good old sup-de-loop.

[HISSING]

[COMICALLY GROANING]

Blah!

Very well, demon. Take this.

Thanks.

So, begone!

Yeah, Wiccan Church supplies.

Yes, you carry sprigs and mistletoe?

You do? Yeah.

How about graveyard mold?

You do? Well, do you deliver right away?

Really? Great! Listen, here's what I need.

I need some sulfur, I need some slime from a standing pool...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You Arthur Gammet?

Yeah, you the man on the phone I spoke to from the city morgue?

[SHUSHING] Keep it down, will you?

You got the money? Yes.

Five hundred, cash.

Are you sure this is from a murdered man?

Yeah, yeah, what do I look like?

Some kind of criminal?

All right...

You know...

I'm not really a weirdo or anything,

I just... Hey!

Do I appear to be bothered by this transaction?

No. I'm just a simple business man.

Well, thanks.

You know, if you're in the market,

I got a veritable cornucopia of items for purchase.

Severed hand? Or how about a smushed dog?

Well, I might need them. You know, I've never done this before.

Sure, sure, pal.

Okay. You have a good night. Ciao.

ARTHUR: Pinch of sulfur.

Slime from a standing pool.

The eye of a murdered corpse.

Graveyard mold.

Severed claw of a diseased squellam.

Squellam?

Squellam is killing me.

This chicken leg works.

There. That should do it.

One last thing...

Now, if luck is with me, I can get him before he gets me.

[CHANTING GIBBERISH]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Arturus, I did it, I did it. I've got you now.

No!

I summoned a real demon.

[CLINKS] Ouch!

[CLINKS] Ouch!

Hey, what is this? A pentagram or something?

I want my one wish.

You want your one wish? Hmm...

Look, I don't know who you are or how you got me here,

but it is clever. It's undeniably clever.

Let's not chatter. I don't have a lot of time.

I want 10,000 pounds of gold.

also known as drast, or the old sup-de-loop.

Uh, sir, I think you should understand that I am not a rich man.

My name is Artura Gumet.

I'm just a small businessman, whom you've mistaken... Wait a minute!

Artura Gumet? You're another counter-part?

It's all because of that crummy squellam's claw.

I beg your pardon?

Never mind.

Look you, I don't care how you get it, but I need that gold.

Well, look, perhaps if you give me a reasonable amount of time...

I'm sorry, I don't have a reasonable amount of time!

Or maybe one hour isn't enough,

make it two hours. But, that's it.

Now you bring me that gold, or else...

you're going into this cage.

Interesting... We have stories about people disappearing into thin air.

So this is what happens. Silence!

Now get me that drast, demon!

Now begone.

[COMICALLY SCREAMING]

[SIGHS]

I've to make this bigger to fit in all of that gold.

Hi, honey. I'm late for my yoga class,

and I forgot my gym bag.

Arthur, you really shouldn't read in the dark. It's bad for your...

eyes.

Well, well, well... I guess you're surprised.

Well, I wanted you to be surprised because you see, this is all my new... hobby.

Hobby?

Arthur, we have to talk seriously.

I'm late for my class now, but when I get home, let's go to dinner.

Sure, that's a great idea. Nice romantic evening, you and me.

In fact, I'll make a reservation

at that little Indian place you love.

Oh, Arthur!

That's wonderful!

This new hobby has made a man of you.

Bye bye, baby.

Oh, boy. I better get working.

Time to summon the demon.

[CHANTING GIBBERISH]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

You did it!

That's tremendous!

Uh, yeah. Well, not exactly.

You see, it didn't exactly turn out the way I planned.

But don't worry about it, pal. I can explain everything.

Get me out of here!

Get me out of here!

Get me out of here!

I found the formula in a library!

You could have knocked me over with a feather when it worked.

I'm actually a very hard-headed business man.

I don't believe in none of this supernatural stuff.

But I started conjuring and conjuring and conjuring,

and I came up with this demon.

But he wouldn't cooperate. So, I caged him.

Good work...

Well, that's my point you see.

I didn't want you to cage me, because I got a wife and three kids.

You know how it is. My insurance business has been in a slump.

Insurance business?

Insurance?

Sure. So I couldn't raise ten thousand pounds of drast with an army.

But I promise you this, as soon as I persuade this demon here...

Never mind about the drast. Take the demon with you. Keep him in storage.

Get me out of here!

Inside the cage, of course.

I'll do that. And look, pal, about the drast...

Uh, forget it. I changed my mind.

Hey, us insurance men, we got to stick together.

I'm a sales rep, myself.

You? So am I! What a coincidence. What's your specialty?

Life, with fire and theft on the side.

Oh, general accidents is more my line.

My parent firm handles life, but they need to restructure their premium policy.

You know, get it more up to date.

Really?

Well, my firm just introduced one of the most exciting cost replacement plans.

It hit the industry in 20 years.

Really? Boy, I'd love to hear about it!

You would? Sure!

My wife won't even let me discuss insurance any more.

So tell me, what's your payment structure?

Well, it's divided into three key sub-sections.

Wow!

Look at that quarterly depreciation!

And how about the retirement, pension... Yes, it's fascinating!

[CHATTERING]

[SCREAMING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]