Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[FATHER SIGHS]

[EXCLAIMS IN ANNOYANCE]

[UTENSILS CLATTERING]

Honey, it's family hour, there must be something on.

DAUGHTER: Oh, wow, Candy Critters.

[FATHER EXCLAIMS]

Oh, great. It's Monsters, our favorite show. [MONSTROUS LAUGH]

Shh, it's starting.

[MONSTROUS LAUGH]

[FATHER CHUCKLES]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Looking for something?

Someone. Mrs. Ethel Koomer.

Been missing for six days.

And you her boy?

Name's Bateman. I'm a private investigator.

Yeah, that's Ms. Koomer.

She's staying here?

Well, you've been reading the register.

You oughta know if she left Tuesday morning.

Did she say where she was headed?

Not to me.

I hear that visitors around these woods

have been disappearing like donuts at a fat folk's convention.

Ate by monsters, I suppose.

Carried off by flying saucers.

I've seen the stories in those newspapers.

What they won't say to make a dollar.

You're saying nobody disappears?

Huh, I didn't say that.

This is a small plant, there's wilderness up here.

Marsh can be a tricky thing.

Especially those who don't know some pit from a swimming pool.

You're saying personally you have not seen anything weird out there than UFOs

or Mrs. Koomer here.

And if I had, I wouldn't be fool enough to say so.

Business is pretty poor as it is.

Now, if you're through...

I'll take a room.

I don't think I can.

You've only got one couple registered.

Suit yourself.

Room two. Top of the stairs.

ANN: Mr. Hallet,

my husband would like a pot of tea in our room, please.

Right away.

Miss Ann.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi.

Hello.

Some blackberry sludge with your tea?

How about some gooseberry?

Actually, the preserves are quite good.

What do you think, "Pickled pig's feet from hell"?

I don't think I wanna know.

Are you here on business?

Vacation.

Funny somehow I can't see you in hiking boots and a poncho.

What do you see me in?

Not too much. Something cozy, high heels

kicking your legs up on a stage in Vegas.

Actually, I was a dancer before I met George.

George being your husband?

This trip was his idea.

Ever since the heart attack he needs all the rest he can get.

And he's always loved this place.

The unspoiled swamp.

An invalid, huh? That's tough.

Poor George.

He hasn't been much good for anything lately.

GEORGE: Ann! Where's the damn tea?

Except making my life a nightmare. [DOOR CREAKING]

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION] I'll get that.

I'll be seeing you.

I'm sure you will.

Put that down!

Ain't your property.

[OWL HOOTING]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

May I join you, Mr. Bateman?

Make it Jack.

Would you like a drink?

No, thanks. I don't drink. It makes me feel sorry for myself.

What's a girl like you have to be sorry about?

A wrong turn I took somewhere along the line.

Let's just say I'm not happy with my career choice.

You look like you're well paid.

I bet you give a good... value.

I should slap your face.

But you won't.

No.

Because you're right, Jack.

I've been bought and paid for.

George is a lot older than me.

A lot richer, and probably smarter.

I was just a kid when I met him.

And I thought...

Well...

It was nothing.

Why stick around? People change careers.

Maybe I could be a private investigator.

I saw your business card.

Maybe you could.

If you're interested, I could give you some pointers.

I'm a very willing student.

I should've known. George!

Ah, sit down. George Stamos.

Jack Bateman. Can I get a shot of that?

You don't mind? No, help yourself.

George, you're not supposed to drink.

Can it. You're not my mother.

You don't cook bad enough to be my mother.

[LAUGHING]

[COUGHING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

George, your pills!

[GASPING]

Oh, George.

[GROANS]

What do you want? A thank you?

[LIQUID BUBBLING]

Ah, there you are.

Come on, now.

There you go.

Wherever you are, that's it.

[SQUEAKING]

There you go.

Hmm.

We've got work to do now.

A little rest for the weary.

There we go.

GEORGE: Commercial carding. It's like anything else in life.

You stick it to them before they stick it to you.

George, I'm going upstairs. Don't be long.

Yeah. Good night, Mr. Bateman.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Can't help looking at her, can you?

No offense.

Yeah.

She attracts a man like a...

dead cat attracts flies. [LAUGHING]

Correct me if I'm wrong but the woman just saved your life.

She saved her credit cards, her Porsche.

Look, Bateman.

If I die, she's cut off like that.

It all goes to my sister.

Bye-bye goose, bye-bye golden eggs.

You married?

Nope. Smart.

Bateman,

I'll let you know a little secret.

We get back to New York, I'm dumping her. She's history.

Drags me up to this place, God knows why.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] But it won't work.

She dragged you, huh?

I was supposed to be taking it easy.

You know what that means to me?

Atlantic City, 24 hour room service.

Look at this dump.

Hey...

[GLASSES CLINKING]

You can't even get a drink around here.

You, uh, stayed here before?

Are you kidding?

I bet you that old bird has a drink behind that desk there.

Probably locks it up.

Mr. Stamos?

Looking for something back there?

Yeah, where can I get a drink around here?

Oh, no! [THUDS]

Put that on my tab.

GEORGE: You probably will, anyway.

[CHUCKLING]

[SIGHS]

I'm so damn relieved this didn't break and fell.

Some of my special pickles.

It's a great favorite in these parts.

Were they a favorite of Mrs. Koomers?

Well, why don't you take this batch and see for yourself?

A gift.

Oh, let's just say an investment. Go on, take it with you.

Be careful now.

Stains.

I'll be careful.

[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]

[BATEMAN WHISTLING]

[SIGHS IN RELIEF]

When were you expecting me to come in?

You're drunk.

George, you really should eat something.

You hardly touched your dinner.

Yeah, well, your concern is very touching.

Why is it that I feel you're after something?

What's it this time? Jewelry?

Or your sable, it's the wrong color.

George, let's level with each other.

I know I haven't been the best wife in the world

and you have every reason not to trust me.

But George, you're not the easiest man to live with.

We've both hurt each other and I'm sorry.

What I want is to make it work.

To start afresh. You and me. It's not too late.

And I'm willing if you are.

And I promise you, George, from this night on,

you'll never have to mistrust me again.

You're some piece of work.

You must be starving, darling.

[CHUCKLES] What's this? A Pla Sam?

[CHUCKLES] It's good.

And here are some of Hallet's special pickles.

[GRUNTS]

If I could just get them open...

Yeah, give it here.

They're extra sour, George. Just the way you like 'em.

Go ahead, honey. Pop 'em open.

[SHRIEKING]

[GROANING]

[SCREAMING]

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

[WHIMPERING]

I heard a scream.

What?

You screamed.

It... there was an owl. Didn't you hear it?

I didn't hear an owl. I heard a woman scream. Are you all right?

Y-y-yes, I am fine. I just thought I saw something out of the window.

Jeez, what have you been doing in here? Setting the matches on fire?

No, I'd need help for that.

Where's your husband? George?

Went out for a walk.

With Mrs. Koomer?

What?

Forget it.

Funny I didn't see him leave. And I was sitting downstairs the whole time.

What are you doing?

Mr. Bateman, I don't know where my husband is and I couldn't care less.

If he means much to you, why don't you go look for him?

But in the meantime, I'm going to sleep

and I don't require your assistance.

What a coincidence.

I was going to bed myself and now...

I won't be able to sleep. It doesn't add up.

The set up here, I can't figure it and that bothers me

and I can't go to sleep at night when things don't add up.

Try counting sheep. I hear that's simple.

Now, if you don't mind...

You did it, didn't you? Did what?

You offed him, ol' George.

He was here, sitting right here in this chair.

Get out.

And he opened a jar of Hallet's pickles,

a gift from his loving wife.

Oh, so where are the pickles?

Where's the body? See what I mean? Things don't add up.

You're crazy. If you don't get out now, I'm calling the police.

What did you put in these things? Some kind of poison?

You're insane. A lunatic.

My husband went out for a stroll. Without his clothes?

And you force your way in here with some wild paranoid fantasy about...

Wait a minute. A second ago, you came on to me,

you knew he wasn't coming back tonight. Let go of me.

You bastard, I'll kill you!

Oh, really. Like you killed him?

How? With this?

Let's open it, shall we?

Get a taste of what's inside! No, God, no please!

Come on, just a whiff. It's not going to kill you.

Yes, yes, it will!

You're right. It is the jar.

There's this thing inside. Some kind of monster.

I gave it to him but I didn't know that. I swear.

I thought it was preservative, then this thing flew out and God, it was so horrible.

Oh, you're good, ain't you? You're real good.

You should go to hell with an Oscar.

All right. I killed him.

I planned it, I did it and I'm glad.

Are you satisfied?

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

He was a monster.

The things he did to me. I hated him.

I hated him and he knew it.

But I couldn't leave him, I was too afraid.

He swore to me that if I ever try to leave him

he would do things to me so that no other man would ever want me.

And I do need a man.

A real man.

So much.

If you knew when I saw you how much I wanted you,

[SENSUAL JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

You don't blame me, do you?

About George?

I didn't have any choice.

Say you believe me, Jack.

Sure, I believe you.

You must have hated him quite a bit

to have cut yourself out of money this way.

I'm free. That's all that matters.

As long as you don't get caught.

By the way, where's the body?

There is no body.

The thing in the jar is some kind of monster,

it grows out there in the dark and deep holes in the swamp.

Light drives it crazy. If you open the jar in the light,

it attacks and just latches on to the nearest person and

uses him up.

Afterwards, there's nothing.

No murder victim, no murder weapon.

No murder. Very clever, Ann.

I could love a woman like you.

What do you mean?

As long as no body turns up,

the husband isn't dead, he's just missing.

It'll take his sister seven years to have him declared legally dead.

Seven years before she can get her hands on the estate.

I bet there won't be too much left.

How much are we talking about?

Twelve million, more or less.

It's a lot of money, Jack.

I don't know how I'll manage it all, actually.

I'm not too smart when it comes to business.

I guess I'll need someone with a good head on their shoulders to help me out.

Someone I could trust.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

You ready?

I'll be down in a minute.

[HUMMING]

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

Don't look so surprised.

Can I get a bag for this?

You're taking it with?

You never know when it might come in handy.

Huh.

How much do you charge for these things?

Three hundred dollars.

Mind you, shipping is extra.

Nice to know, that there's some places you can get a bargain.

Mr. Hallet.

My husband went for a walk early this morning and may be gone all day.

In the meantime, I have to go back to the city unexpectedly

and Mr. Bateman has kindly offered me a ride.

I understand, Mrs. Stamos.

If anybody inquires, that's what I'll tell them.

Thank you, Mr. Hallet.

My pleasure.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Enjoy your pickles.

[SNICKERS]

[FROGS CROAKING] [CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]