Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[FATHER SIGHS]

[EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE]

[UTENSILS CLATTERING]

Honey, it's family hour,

there must be something on.

DAUGHTER: Oh, wow, Candied Critters!

[FATHER EXCLAIMS]

Oh, Great. It's Monsters, our favorite show!

[MONSTROUS LAUGH]

Shh. It's starting.

[MONSTROUS LAUGH]

[FATHER CHUCKLES]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

I love you, Nash.

You really do?

Hmm?

Being married and all...

I can't believe it's real.

Here we are.

This is so exciting!

New York sure is different from Lubbock.

* Basement floor

* Kitchenware appliances

* Honeymooners

Okay, now, come on, no peeking.

Oh.

Well, it's pretty nice, huh?

Yeah, I gotta give that travel agent credit.

He gave it his best shot. I'll give him that.

Your average guy would have gone for the first honeymoon suite on the list,

not New York, little from the airport,

$1,000 bare minimum.

No city boy's gonna jerk my chain, no siree.

Turns out, he's got a friend

who just so happens to have a factory that he is turning into a honeymoon resort.

A factory? It did seem a little off the beaten path.

Right now, they only got this one suite all fixed up.

It's what they call a showroom demo.

Only in the basement?

Well, that is the beauty of it.

You see, it's just you, me, and Mr. Happy.

Looks like I left someone out.

[SQUISHING]

I hate bugs.

No need to worry, sugar, I'm here for you.

Well, look at this.

They left that here for us?

Darling, you don't get to be top south-west regional tractor salesman

without knowing a little something about wheeling and dealing.

This here, is your basic fringe benefit.

Yeah, but can we stay here?

Trust me, you haven't seen nothing yet.

Now here, take my coat, take my hat,

and I'm gonna take care of the buggy.

I don't know.

It just seems a little rundown for a honeymoon resort.

It's atmosphere, Sugar.

This is the Big Apple.

This is high society, life in the fast lane.

Tell you, these local sophisticated types

will pay top dollar for something like this.

[GASPING]

There's clothes in here.

Well, yeah, it's a closet.

[POPS] We can't...

We're in the wrong room.

Look, couple before us just must have left it.

All these clothes?

I mean, look, there's two wedding gowns.

Well, I told you that.

I told you, folks here do things here different than back home.

Come on, just put this stuff in. Come on, come on. Let's go.

Now, look, you and I are in New York for only one night.

Tomorrow we're going to London.

So, what do you say we just relax?

Let's see if this honeymoon stuff's all it's cracked up to be.

[GROANS] Oh...

What? What's the matter?

You're gonna laugh. No, I won't. What?

I don't know.

Ever since I was a little girl,

I've always dreamed of spending my wedding night

in a big, pink, pillowy silk bed...

shaped like a swan.

I'm not laughing, Sugar.

Hey, who knows...

I paid the man for a honeymoon suite,

let's see if you got your dream.

Let me tell you something, Sugar.

This is gonna be a night we won't soon forget.

Well, honey bunch, what do you think?

I... I don't see any bed.

This looks like a web.

Boy, these New Yorkers, I swear!

It's a hammock.

I ain't never seen a wall to wall hammock before.

Is that another elevator?

In the bedroom? I told you, this used to be a factory.

Probably a loading dock or something.

Nash!

Whoo hoo! Whoo hoo hoo!

Whoo! This is more fun than getting frisky on a dang water-bed.

Whoo!

Hoo!

Hey! What's the matter?

I'm stuck.

"Stuck"? How can you be stuck?

Well, if I knew how I was stuck,

I would get myself un-stuck.

[GROANING]

Nash, I really think we should get out of here.

NASH: We are not going anywhere.

Honey, are you okay?

Yeah, no problem.

I tell you, I don't mind a challenge.

All I got to do is... [STRAINING]

Silk.

Huh?

The web... silk.

So what? It's an expensive hammock.

They make parachutes out of silk. Why not a hammock?

Nash, maybe you ought to climb up off of there any way, okay?

Well, sure. Ain't no problem.

Piece of cake. Ow!

[GRUNTS]

Ow!

No problem, no problem.

I just, uh...

I just gotta get out of these clothes is all.

Pay attention now, sweetheart, all right?

I'm just gonna make a Houdini escape.

A straitjacket escape.

[GROANING]

Right before your little pretty eyes.

[GRUNTING]

I'll just get this boot off. [STRAINS]

There it goes...

Well, maybe it's like quicksand, you know?

Maybe you should not squirm so much.

"Squirm"? I don't squirm.

I struggle.

Ah! [PANTING]

Mm! Ah!

Must be jet lag.

I'll go get some help.

Right, ask the exterminator

what he's got for a giant spider.

Nash... the door.

It's locked. "Locked"?

What do you mean locked? I mean it's locked.

We're trapped.

Portia... Portia, we are not trapped.

Okay? Now I am just a little...

detained here, is all.

Was there a phone?

There's got to be a phone.

It's dead.

Don't say "dead", okay?

Oh, my God.

Portia, I was just kidding.

We are getting all upset over something that is just plain ridiculous.

There's no big spider, and this isn't a big web.

Plain and simple.

What is it, then?

Hell, I don't know!

Some fancy love hammock,

or something that they thought would appeal to newlyweds.

What strands are you stuck to?

The long ones that go to the center, or the cross-webbing?

These long ones seem to be okay...

these little side to side guys seem to have the glue on.

Then it is a web!

Oh, now, you don't really believe a spider...

One of my third graders handed in a report on spiders a while ago.

He even did the drawings of webs.

The cross-webbing is the sticky part.

The spiders use the long strands to walk on,

so they won't get stuck themselves!

Would you just listen to yourself!

I mean, for a spider to make something this big,

it'd have to be the size of a Volkswagen!

Now have you ever seen a spider...

I've never seen a web this big either.

[STRAINING]

Well, then how come old daddy long-legs

isn't down here having me for a midnight snack?

'Cause I think he... I think he's waiting...

for me to get in there, too.

Okay...

Ready or not, here I go!

[GRUNTING]

[GROANING]

Help, somebody, help!

Help!

I'm open to...

suggestions here.

Cut it. We need something to cut it with.

"We"?

This is one hell of a way to run a resort!

What are we gonna do?

Portia, don't panic.

Okay, now...

It's just... It's just like...

The bottle! Nash, the broken glass.

The bottle, right. Right, I knew that.

Above your head, behind you.

Wait a minute, there are shoes all over the place.

There's somebody's car keys. There's...

There's stuff everywhere.

Nash, the glass. Yeah.

Okay, okay, I'm looking.

Can you get it?

[WHISPERS] Can I get it?

What was that?

[DRESS UNZIPPING] Portia, what are you doing?

I'm coming out to help you.

The hell you are!

I will get us out of here.

I just... Just need a minute to think!

Honey, we don't have a minute.

I'll tell you one thing...

When we get back from London,

I am going to find that travel agent, and I am gonna tell him

what a screwy place he's...

Nash, that travel agent is the one who put us here!

Picked us up from the airport in a private limousine,

clothes left in the closet, car keys, wallets!

Nash, people who come here don't leave.

I guess you get what you pay for.

Like my daddy used to say,

"If it looks too good to be true, it probably is."

Okay, honey, stay very still.

Please... Okay?

Be careful now, hon.

Just be cool now, darling. Stay cool.

Nothing to be afraid of. Our imaginations are getting the best of us here.

I mean, how do you think a spider got to be a giant spider?

Think about that.

[DEEP RUMBLING]

[WHISPERING] Don't even breathe.

[RUMBLING CONTINUES]

[LOUD CLANG]

Portia?

Stay still, honey, I'm coming.

Hey! Hey, we're down here!

Nash!

NASH: What you doing, sugar?

Got the glass?

[GRUNTS] It's too far.

Stay still.

That wasn't me.

Let go!

Nash, try to think of something else.

I can... Yeah, sure.

I'm... thinking... thinking about my car.

My T-bird.

I'm thinking about me...

[WHISPERING] Earl...

[SHOUTING] Earl! Nash!

Wait... listen...

There's no giant spider... Why...

[SHOUTING] You guys really got me!

Earl?

You guys really got me, Earl!

Bobby, is that you, too?

Nash...

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[PORTIA GASPING]

[STRAINING]

[PORTIA SCREAMING]

What?

[SCREAMING] No!

[SCREAMING]

Nash, let go.

I have to get it. I have to get the glass.

[PORTIA SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING] No!

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

[WHIRRING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

[GROANING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING] No!

All right. You want me?

[SCREAMING]

[PORTIA PANTING]

If it looks too good to be true...

[ELEVATOR CLATTERING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]