Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[FATHER SIGHS]

[EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE]

[UTENSILS CLATTERING]

Honey, it's family hour,

there must be something on.

DAUGHTER: Oh, wow, Candied Critters!

[FATHER EXCLAIMS]

Oh, Great. It's Monsters, our favorite show!

[MONSTROUS LAUGH] [SHUSHING]

It's starting.

[MONSTROUS LAUGH]

[THUNDERING]

[PIANO PLAYING]

[COUGHS]

[CACKLING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

Oh, Mr. James, Mr. Robert. They're here.

Oh, Lord. How'd they find their way tonight?

[KNOCKING]

I'm coming, hold your ponies.

It is a bad night for driving, Miss Elegy.

I'm thinking it has just begun.

Velma, this is Dr. Blackman.

We both drove up at the same time.

Oh, I was wondering if you'd come, doc,

I know it's a bit out of your way.

Well, I don't normally make house calls.

But I'm such a big fan of theirs.

Oh, that's nice.

Mr. James!

Mr. Robert!

Miss Elegy is here with the doctor.

[GROANING]

Hm, they're moping again.

But not to worry.

You know, Mr. Robert was not too pleased about your coming.

But Mr. James will bring him around in a bit.

Now can I get a cup of tea for the two of you?

Yeah, sure.

Well, I can see why your relationship with the salesman speech

is a little bit out of the ordinary.

Well, I was with them before they were in the show business

and I really want you to understand that.

I know that. I'm not just some groupie.

God knows when you get to be as famous as they are

everybody wants a piece of you.

And yet, they gave it all up.

Why?

Well...

Robert was never really happy on the road.

He couldn't adjust to it as well as James and...

after a while he just couldn't take it.

They couldn't work together,

God knows they couldn't work separately, so they came home.

Doctor...

I swear to you, I love both of them dearly.

But I'm on my last legs.

I have rights and feelings, too.

I may be just some lady who works behind the desk.

But I'm not gonna be anybody's emotional punching bag.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

They're sulking.

To be more precise, Robert is.

Oh, sure, sure, Robert this, Robert that.

Why don't the both of you go back out and soak your heads?

Despite appearances to the contrary,

there is at least one person in this room,

with a proper sense of comportment.

Comportment, what is that mean?

Why do you always use words I don't understand?

I hate it when you do that.

If I try to communicate using words that you understood,

the only thing I could talk to would be Coco the chimp.

Just stop it, can't you?

BOTH: Tell him to stop it!

Mr. Self, Mr. Self.

I'm here to help you.

Let me into your lives.

Hm? Let's work together on this thing.

Let's work through this thing.

What do you say, guys?

Drop dead and rot.

JAMES: You hear that doctor?

You know, you probably think we're a sophisticated act,

a supper-club act.

Well, you know, what my brother's idea of funny is?

Vulgar noises.

You know what I have to say about that?

[BLOWS RASPBERRIES] Oh!

Open war.

ELEGY: Robert, I know how angry you are.

If I ever meant anything to you,

please just try and call it a truce, just for tonight.

Please, will you try?

I will, if James will.

James!

Well, I already said I will.

So...

come on out.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, at last we meet, uh,

face to face.

BOTH: To face.

It-it's so great to meet you guys.

I'm not ready for that yet.

Would it kill you to be polite?

ROBERT: He's just a greedy, cranium crunching hound.

That's a great line. Write it yourself?

Where you get the crayons? From the kids next door.

That's great. That's just...

Which one is in control now?

Neither, they're both working together.

ELEGY: It's the only way they do anything good.

These days the only time they cooperate

is when they're playing the piano.

No, no, no. You've had too many drinks tonight.

Oh, you never could hold your liquor.

No, I...

BOTH: Ah!

Guys, guys, we were talking about your adopted father.

JAMES: Yes, Dr. Self.

Dr. Self always wanted to adopt a two-headed baby.

And so, he brought us to his mansion,

and he raised us as a father would.

Yeah. Well, he played ball with us.

He played ball with you.

Played ball with us, you were the glove hand.

And he educated us, or at least he tried to.

And then he died.

And we inherited his fortune.

And the furniture.

Yes.

And nobody else knew you existed.

Just Velma.

She really raised us.

Well now, here we are.

Oh, Mr. James, Mr. Robert.

Decided to rejoin the living I see.

Tea, Miss Elegy?

Did you hear what Velma just said?

Mr. James first,

then Mr. Robert.

James first, me second.

Heavens, that old song again.

The only reason I do it

is because the old cradle I kept them in was up against the wall.

Mr. James was on the outside, so I got into the habit

of feeding and talking them that way.

Just habit, nothing else.

Now, if I said Mr. Robert first,

you just turn around and say you saving the best for last.

Oh, sure, sure, you don't care more about James.

Ah, doctor, Miss Elegy, if you need me,

just give me a shout.

So, Miss Kaiser I'm curious to know how you two, uh...

BOTH: Three.

...met.

Well...

Dr. Self passed away,

and left them all his money.

And Mr. Winters he was Dr. Self's lawyer...

He, uh, called the twins in,

and he had no idea about, you know, who did.

So, I was his, uh, secretary at the time,

and I heard them come in, but I didn't look up.

And, then I did.

Well, Elegy, I thought, this is what you get

for taking all those drugs in the 60s.

But they were real.

They even had an appointment.

You know, I realized, well,

maybe they are more scared of me,

than I was of them. And, it made them human.

You know, real.

You see, this was our first trip to town.

Was our first trip anywhere.

And there's when you two, three, started...

you know, seeing each other.

I know it sounds silly to say, but I fell in love with them.

Yeah, with James.

ELEGY: No, with both of you.

And they both asked me to marry them.

But you refused.

I asked them what they planned to do.

I'd always worked for a living.

They didn't, they didn't need to.

Maybe that was okay with them,

but it wasn't okay with me.

I told them, if they wanted to marry me,

they had to somehow make their way in the real world.

JAMES: Boy, did they ever.

DOCTOR: You guys, I grew up with you guys.

I mean, I... the bunk bed sketch...

I wrote that. I wrote that.

Do you remember our Tango sketch?

Ha-ha.

I wrote that.

You gave yourself all the good lines.

Well, if you didn't like them, why didn't you write something?

Because you can't write anything.

Didn't I give you the part of my parrot,

in the Long John Silver sketch?

Yes, I did. You see, the thing is he can't write anything.

He doesn't know how to write.

He's no sense of construction.

He has no sense of pace, no sense of rhythm. Nothing.

All he can do, that he thinks is funny

is make these vulgar noises.

He goes, pff... [MIMICKING JAMES] when he wants to,

He goes, pff... [BLOWS RASPBERRIES]

That's what he does. I hate when he does that. I hate that.

Come on, why are we even talking to this head shrinker?

Didn't you have enough "yes men" on the road telling you what you wanted to hear?

Yes, I did.

And the difference between me and you is I knew how to pick a yes man.

Your yes man kept saying, "Maybe, maybe.

Hey, look, it wasn't me that asked for separate agents.

Well, I wasn't the one to ask for separate dressing rooms.

I wasn't the one who demanded separate make-up man.

I wasn't the one who asked for separate choreographers.

I wasn't the one who asked for separate bathroom.

I wasn't the one who demanded separate hair-dressers.

My hair's got a special texture.

Hey, fellas, fellas, fellas, ugh...

Okay, obviously there are some strong

feeling on both sides.

Miss Kaiser, maybe you can tell me what happened then?

You wanted the guys

out in the real world, on their own,

which they did very successfully.

Then what happened?

Well, it was at the end of their 20 city tour,

about eight months ago,

I'd been keeping in touch

as much as I could, in going to see them.

And then one night,

in the hotel room, they proposed again.

My left foot.

What happened exactly?

Wanna know what happened that night?

Yeah, what happened?

Elegy came in,

and James said, "Marry me."

Not us, him.

You know, what she said?

She said, "Yes."

To him.

I meant yes to both of you.

That's funny. Did I ask you that night?

Did you discuss it with me?

Huh, why bother?

It's just old go along Robert.

Oh, yeah, and that's the great problem.

Isn't it? It's not does he love her,

or does she love him?

Oh, no, no, no.

This man, who eats, he eats fried rice with his fingers,

is worried about etiquette.

Well, I know what we should have done, Robert.

I should've just walked right over to you

and said, "Oh, Robert, old man,

what say we call up Elegy and ask her to marry us."

How about that? What say, huh? Oh, drop that lousy act.

It's an affectation.

DOCTOR: James, Robert.

I mean, it's obvious that there's some very deep seeded negative feelings here.

Hmm, and it's seated right over here.

James.

I think a large part of your brother's frustration

comes from the fact that he's,

he's unable to express himself verbally.

So, do something for me, Robert.

I want you to express your feelings,

toward your brother nonverbally.

Let's-let's be puppets, let's be like non-aggressive,

l-love puppets.

This is stupid.

It's okay to feel the way you feel

it's okay to show your feelings toward your brother, nonverbally.

So, do it. Act him out.

Oh!

He said nonverbally.

Oh!

Okay, how's that?

This is for elementary school. Ah!

[BOTH GROANING]

This is good, we're working. Yeah.

This is very productive.

We're working through this.

Would you please shut up and help me?

Okay. No, this is a very good thing they're doing here.

DOCTOR: Let's just hope... Get over here.

I'll kill you son of a...

Don't say anything about our mother.

I've had it!

[BOTH GROANING]

It's done.

I'm leaving.

Elegy, no.

Elegy, Elegy, please don't leave.

We can work it out. You know we can.

The three of us, like the old days. We can work it out.

This is between the two of you.

Until you settle with your own selves,

there's no place here for me.

Robert, tell Elegy to stay.

You're the one who talks so good,

what you need me for?

Please, Elegy.

JAMES: Please stay.

Yeah, that was good. Oh, shut up.

Robert and James,

I will always love you.

Goodbye.

Elegy, please, please don't go.

You know what you are?

You're a spoiler, that's what you are.

You see someone else's life working and you have to wreck it

because you can't make your own life work.

Well, I want you to know that I am fed up with you.

I'm not gonna let you turn my life

into a shamble.

Yeah, what you gonna do about it, big shot?

[SHATTERING]

Wanna play rough, huh?

Guys what's the point of it, huh?

You trying to kill yourselves, is that it?

No, just one of us.

[BOTH GASPING]

Hey, guys.

What's wrong?

Just what I expected, now you've gone and done it.

Huh, come you two, you must let go.

[BOTH GASPING]

They're suffocating.

You got two brains controlling one set of lungs.

They got to work together just to breathe.

They get all excited and worked up fighting one another,

and this is what happens.

Mr. James, Mr. Robert,

please let go!

[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]

Come along, doc, help me get them up to bed.

[THUNDERING]

[BOTH SNORING]

Hm, they'll be all right for now.

But it's always the next time I worry about.

Can I stay with them for a minute?

Suit yourself.

Possible book title,

"He's not much, but he's all I have,

baby."

[WHISPERING] Doctor.

I've got a metaphysical question for you.

What would happen if one of us should suddenly die?

Well, given our past experience with Siamese twins, I...

wouldn't hold on much hope for the remaining entity.

Is that what you thinking?

Uh, who am I kidding? We're both thinking about it all the time.

James, listen, if we work together I know that we can find an answer.

I mean, I am fascinated by the fact,

that two people could be so closely linked together

and have such ineffective communication.

Wh-wh... don't wake him up.

You're not gonna start playing those games with him again, are you?

I mean, the love puppet thing was a disaster.

James, listen,

you gonna have to face the fact that no matter what your brother thinks,

no matter what he feels,

you're gonna have to live with him, okay.

Yes, I know, but...

Oh, you talking behind my back?

No, no, we're talking,

really, behind your side.

Is this the answer to our problem, huh?

Another paid stooge.

Another gargoyle groupie,

who just wants a piece of us?

You have to believe that I'm somebody who sincerely wants to help you.

But, in order to do that, you have to trust me completely, okay?

When you're like us, the world is full of people who wanna use you.

Who want a piece of you.

JAMES: But don't you think I'm sick of it, too?

That's why Elegy was so special to me.

You see, even he doesn't understand.

You don't know what it's like to be second best in your own body.

That's what it all boils down to, does it?

It's always the same thing.

I can't help it, if I was the smartest,

if I was the cleverest, if I was the cutest.

The cutest? Well, okay.

Well, you were the cutest.

But, I mean, you act as if it was all my fault!

Look, I don't like this situation, either.

Sometimes I wish we'd never been born.

You wanna end it? End it!

You've killed off everything else that's near and dear to me,

so end it. Because if you don't, I will.

Because I cannot endure it anymore. Yak, yak, yak!

Oh, stop biting your fingernails.

Have your lawyer call my lawyer.

That's my line and you know it.

It is from the Christmas special of 1986, the divorce sketch.

James, Robert, please, not again.

Jesus, I oughta kill you.

Yeah, you and what arm?

Oh, that's also my line from the Easter special of 1987.

[BOTH CHOKING]

Gentlemen,

I think you need more help than I can give you here tonight.

Come back to Boston with me, okay?

We'll work together, daily basis.

Free of charge.

BOTH: Free of charge?

Let's work through these destructive neurosis together, okay?

It'll be good for you, it'll be good for me.

BOTH: Good for you?

Oh, yeah, the publicity.

I'm convinced that there's a book in this,

probably a bestseller.

Paperback, hardback?

He's more two-faced than we are.

[CHUCKLES]

Now that is a good line.

Thanks. Your welcome.

You got a percentage gift and you'll have final approval.

And there's one thing I've learned... Mental health pays.

I can see you're angry, that's very good.

That's very good. You're transferring your anger to a father figure,

that's good, come to papa. Come to papa!

[DOCTOR SCREAMING]

Oh, boy, we are making some progress.

That's good. That's good.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Boy, where does the time go? What do you say guys... We just...

We just take a week, a month, a year.

[STAMMERS] Was that an antique? I didn't mean to...

[BOTH GRINNING]

You got a lot of energy, you guys.

Oh, I like this suit.

Is that wool? You know, that suit...

It's really well...

What, are we getting some fresh air here?

[MUMBLING]

[STAMMERS] I love you, guy... Whoa.

Ha, that's a quite a view.

Ho-ho, what a view!

[LAUGHING WICKEDLY]

Oh, no... [STAMMERS]

[DOCTOR SCREAMING]

I swear, I suppose you boys are happy now.

You know, in a way, Dr. Blackman did bring us together.

Ooh, together, together for a murder!

Together against the world.

It's the only way for us.

Till' death do us part.

Sorry about taking us off the road.

And about Elegy.

Oh, that's all right about that night.

If you like, we can always call her again.

Nah.

Let's call those triplets from Ohio.

Well, now, don't that sound nice.

I suppose you two just forgot we got a dead doctor outside.

Don't you think it might arouse a little idle curiosity?

What are the police going to say?

The police will be fine.

They don't throw celebrities in jail.

Oh!

Yeah, only normal people.

[LAUGHING CUNNINGLY]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]