Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh.

Honey, it's family hour. There must be something on.

Oh, wow!

Candy critters!

Oh!

Oh, great! It's Monsters, our favorite show.

Shh! It's starting.

[MONSTER LAUGHING]

[CREAKING]

* What's the house Where the kids always show up?

* What's the house Where we never have to grow up?

* What's the funniest house?

* What's the silliest house?

* It's Holly's house

* It's Holly's house

* It's Holly's house

* It's Holly's house

* It's the house Where we all wanna live *

[CHUCKLING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It's my birthday.

And I'm having a party.

Everyone's invited.

We're all gonna have fun,

and we're all gonna be nice,

and we're all gonna get along

with me.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Who's the first one here?

It's Early Bird.

Happy Birthday, Holly.

[QUACKS]

HOLLY: Come in, Early Bird.

Golly, what did you bring me?

A cake for your party.

[GASPS] Oh, chocolate!

My special favorite.

Look what it says.

"Happy Birthday."

Got it, ah, ah, ah. Got it!

Hear the bell.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Golly, who could that be?

Special delivery.

Is somebody having a birthday?

It's Mike the mailman.

Come in, Mr. Mike.

All for you, Holly.

Is this it?

Uh, Holly, maybe Mr. Mike would like a nice piece of birthday cake.

[CHUCKLING] Mm, chocolate?

Get away from that cake, Mr Mike.

SCARLETT: Oh, come on, guys, it's hot in this suit.

Katherine, in the script what does it say,

"Get away from the cake, Mr. Mike"?

Can we save the comedy?

Cardboard head is supposed to give me a piece of cake.

Katherine, we block for camera in an hour.

Okay, okay, um...

Let's take it from Bird's line.

Okay. Everybody ready?

Here we come. And action.

Maybe Mr. Mike would like a nice piece of birthday cake.

Sure, I'll give him a piece.

Golly.

I hope you like chocolate, Mr. Mike.

[LAUGHING]

Katherine, are you nuts?

Uh, sorry, uh...

Holly got carried away.

You are in a really weird mood today.

Did I do something?

KATHERINE: You might say that.

I'm pregnant, Lenny.

Are you sure it's mine?

No, it's Mike the mailman's, okay?

Katherine, I think this is great.

And you know what else I think?

I think we should, uh,

do it.

We already did it, Lenny.

No, get married.

I'm serious.

Uh, look.

It's the middle of the season.

How can I leave these guys?

Whatever you decide...

...I love you.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

You talk to her, kid.

Careful, she's charging.

You'd like a little baby sister, wouldn't you?

[GROANS]

Katherine.

Katherine!

Thank you.

KATHERINE: Okay.

I've switched over to utility memory.

[CLICKING]

Hey, it works.

[CHUCKLING]

I know, I know. Phil Gordon is a genius.

Bye, Phil.

I had a talk with Lenny.

You know what I think?

I think you should have it.

I'm not saying marry the mailman.

Just have the kid.

[EXHALES] What do you know about kids?

I got grandkids.

You don't get 'em from robots.

What do I do? Leave the show?

You've been on it four years.

It's a long time in a dolls house.

Me, I do three, three and a half years,

and it's Chinese water torture.

You gotta live, Katherine.

You gotta change some diapers.

You gotta pay for the braces.

You gotta wait up half the night,

wondering where the hell they are and what they're doing,

and you've got a 7 o' clock call that morning.

[LAUGHS]

And you've gotta know how it feels

when they don't phone on Mother's Day.

[CHUCKLING] Neil.

Are you actually asking me to grow up?

It's a pain in the ass but I highly recommend it.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

HOLLY: Don't go home.

[CLANKING]

Katherine.

This is home.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

You heard me.

[DOOR OPENS]

KATHERINE: In here.

I just want you to look at it.

Okay, okay, okay. I'll take a look.

Go ahead.

You got something to say, say it!

Kathy, I know what you need.

What you need is a quiet relaxing dinner

with an understanding duck.

[KATHERINE EXHALES]

Scarlett, I have been sick...

Well, I play it as a duck.

KATHERINE: Holly doesn't want me to have a baby.

SCARLETT: Hey, she'll get over it.

You know how robots are.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

SCARLETT: They do this fab ginger chicken.

You like hot food, don't you?

We'll stuff our faces.

You will tell me your problems.

[IN DEEP VOICE] My good...

[CHUCKLING] Lenny.

What is this?

Club getaway.

We have Neil's beach-house for the weekend.

I figure if I get you alone I can be very convincing.

I might need a lot of convincing.

Oh.

[CHUCKLING]

[KISSING]

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Special delivery.

Is somebody having a birthday?

Golly, Holly.

It's Mike the mailman.

Frankie, go with the mailman.

All for you, Holly.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Mike.

Maybe Mr. Mike would like a nice piece of birthday cake.

[QUACKS]

[Chuckling] Um, chocolate!

Early bird made it

especially for me and my friends.

[QUACKS]

NEIL: Cut. Perfect.

Lunch. One hour.

HOLLY: We don't need lunch.

We need another run-through.

Kathy, what's wrong?

HOLLY: I'll tell you what's wrong!

This thing lays there like a lox.

Okay, Kathy, what do you wanna do?

HOLLY: Don't you talk to her.

You talk to me.

How about you do the acting and we'll take the pictures?

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to get rid of me.

You had the camera on everybody but me in that scene.

Everybody was covered.

We had Early bird, we had Mr. Mike...

This isn't Bird's house,

this isn't Mike's house,

this isn't Kathy's house.

And this isn't gonna be some baby's house.

This is Holly's house.

Look at the ratings, you idiot.

I wipe the floor with every kiddy show in this country.

Okay, Holly.

Whatever you and Katherine want.

I can move Mr. Mike...

His name isn't Mr. Mike.

It's Lenny Weener,

and he's a loser.

I say we dump him.

Along with that stupid bird.

Okay, Katherine, that's enough.

Lunch, one hour. Take off.

I want another take right now!

NEIL: Katherine, please. Now. Now, now!

NEIL: Katherine, we can't keep this up.

Katherine, for God's sake, stop!

HOLLY: Now! NEIL: That's it!

NEIL: What the hell are you doing to yourself?

[EXHALES]

My agent, Dyne, put me in that soap.

He's begging me.

I don't need this stupid kiddy show.

In fact, get somebody else to deliver your valentines.

Can your agent get you a baby?

What's that supposed to mean?

It means, yes.

Yes, to what?

Yes, to you,

and our baby.

What about Holly?

[EXHALES]

Four years is enough.

We have one more week of taping, and then I am pulling the plug.

Let 'em watch Bozo the Bear.

Mm, I don't know whether I should believe you or not.

[MOANING]

I'm gonna go call my lawyer right now.

[OPENS DOOR]

Oh, Holly.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Tough luck, babe.

That's showbiz.

Mr. Mike.

[LOUD KNOCK]

LENNY: Katherine, we're supposed to be calling our lawyer.

I'm supposed to be cutting out Valentine's for tomorrow.

Will you help me, please?

LENNY: What about our celebration?

This first.

[CHUCKLING]

Is that my Valentine?

How did you guess, Mr. Mike?

I'm cutting out your heart right now.

[GROANING]

Now, Mike,

now!

Oh, dear.

LENNY: Katherine!

Now!

[FAINTLY] Katherine...

[THUDS]

[GROANING]

[GROANING]

[WOMAN] Stop it.

[GROANING]

The quality of mercy is not strained,

it dropeth

as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath.

[QUACKS]

You're not listening.

Come out to the island this weekend, we'll work out.

Neil, please, I'm asking your opinion.

KATHERINE: Oh, you're gonna hate me.

Why, what happened?

I just got off the phone with Tony.

I told him this is the last show.

Hey, that's great.

And you and Lenny?

[EXCLAIMING] Oh, good.

Get Mr. Lucky.

Let's run through the treasure hunt bit,

and then we'll find some champagne.

Okay.

KATHERINE: Lenny, I did it!

I told everybody.

I feel wonderful.

Lenny.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[SOFTLY] Lenny?

HOLLY: Kathy.

HOLLY: Are you sad because Mr. Mike's not here?

HOLLY: I like Mr. Mike,

but I don't like Lenny.

Lenny's no fun to play with.

I like it better when you and I play

all alone.

Stay with me, Kathy.

Live in my house.

You're just a...

I made you.

What about our friends?

What are they going to watch?

You're not alive.

Mommy, don't say that.

What's the house where the kids always show up?

Stop it!

Don't leave me.

[SOBBING] No!

NEIL: Okay, everybody, we're back in.

Shh, Mommy, they're coming.

NEIL: Here we go.

Early Bird, you ready?

We're doing the treasure hunt scene.

Let's get it in one.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NEIL: Roll, take.

Rolling. Give me speed.

Speed.

NEIL: Katherine, are you all set?

Ready.

NEIL: Okay. Here we come.

Three, two, one,

and cue.

Bird, you're just in time.

For what, Holly?

We're gonna have a special game.

Oh, boy, I like games.

What kind of game, Holly?

A treasure hunt

with a very special prize.

You've gotta find it.

It's somewhere in this room.

Oh, where, oh, where could it be?

Over here?

You're very, very cold, Early Bird.

You're so cold you're a penguin.

Ha, ha.

I should have brought my sweater.

You're freezing.

You're on an iceberg. Ha, ha.

Ah, ah.

Give me a hint, Holly.

Some place where you put things, Bird.

Mmm.

You're getting warmer.

I know.

BIRD: I know... Oh, you're burning up.

You're on fire!

I know. I know!

In here.

You found him, yay.

Lenny? He's hurt.

Have you any letters for me, Mr. Mike?

NEIL: Oh, my God, Kathy!

HOLLY: He's gone, mommy.

Can we play?

[MOANING]

No. SCARLETT: Kathy, stop.

SCARLETT: You don't know what you're doing.

[SCREAMING]

HOLLY: No!

[MAN] No, it's cardboard.

Mommy.

[SCREAMING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

She's so beautiful.

Having her is the best thing I ever did.

You were right, Neil.

That's how you get to be a director.

Alice, good luck with your show.

With him as the director I'll need it.

You get some rest now.

Goodbye, Kathy.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[KEYS CLANKING]

GIRL: Tell me again about this show, Mommy.

There was Early Bird,

and there was Mike the mailman,

and especially,

there was me.

It's Holly's house.

It's Holly's house.

It's the house where we all want to live.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]