Original subtitles

One, two, three.

Way there.

That's it.

Man, I'm pretty.

Do the monkey with me.

Don't know why I gotta do this. The lawn's only gonna get dirty again.

And Johnny, dear, when you finish that, I want you to rake the living room.

Hi, Johnny, whatcha doing?

None of your business.

You're funny.

Will you do me a favor?

No. Can I keep my science project in your garage?

Not a chance.

Say thanks, and don't look under the tarp. It's a secret I'm worried about.

You're a weird little freak.

I know I am, but what are you?

I wonder if I could hunt him for sport.

Science project, huh?

Molecular body math teleportation device.

Body math?

You can never have too many muscles.

Cliancy.

Turn into some kind of horrible fly mutant.

Feel pretty, though.

I better find Carl.

There you are, Johnny. I've been looking all over for you. Come inside. It's

time for lunch.

I can't believe this is happening. This is the worst, most... Horrible situation

I've ever... Hey, baby.

Ew. How's about you and me grabbing a nice bowl of rancid pork?

Dang. Must be a vegetarian.

Jerk. I got a good plan to lay my eggs on you.

Oh, man.

I gotta find Carl. I gotta get chained back.

I gotta... Hey, my hands are dirty.

Darling, I've never seen you pay such attention to hygiene before.

And usually you only take two sugars on your meatloaf. Are you sure you're

feeling all right, Johnny dear?

Oh, Johnny. Johnny, answer me, darling.

I'd better take your temperature.

Let's see.

Twenty! That does it. Right to bed with you, mister.

That rancid stench.

That smell of rotten flesh.

Hey, it's Pop's diner. I wonder if Carl is here.

There's the little geek now. I'd better... Hello, pie.

Mmm,

gooey.

Well, that's all, Pugly. Get your own pie.

There's a fly in my tube.

Welcome to Pop's.

Pop's corn chowder.

I'm a fly and even I'm revolted.

Hey, where'd Carl go? Oh, no. He's getting away.

Hey, Carl.

Ah, that was stupid.

Ow, ow, ow.

Hello, Mrs. Bravo. You're looking beautiful today.

The spectral rays of the sun really bring out the highlights in your

veins. Is Johnny home?

Johnny's in bed with a cold, dear. But you're welcome to peek in and say hello.

Thanks.

Johnny?

Johnny, where are you?

Oh, there you are. Okay, if I check on my science project.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

is tampered with my teleportation pods.

There can be only one explanation.

Industrial spies are trying to steal my experiment.

I'd better run home and get my anti -spy kit.

Carl? Carl, are you home, you little weed?

Hmm. Guess he's not around.

Well, as long as I'm here, might as well dance on his toothbrush.

Hello, short, dark, and handsome.

Huh?

Hey, multi -legged mama.

You looking for company?

Actually, I was just sitting down for dinner. Care to join me?

What's on the menu, arachnobetty? You are a fly boy.

Couldn't we just cuddle first?

Gotta find it! Gotta find my thigh kit!

Help me!

Quiet, Johnny. I'm very busy.

Hey, Johnny, you're a fly. What happened?

Your stupid machine happened, you geek.

It worked?

Oh, boy, I'm going to make a fortune.

Uh, Carl. Now, all I have to do is register with the patent office and

All right. Save your life.

Flyy, flyy. Come on. That's right.

Good boy.

There. I've lured the Johnny fly into the other pod with some three -day -old

meatloaf. Now, Johnny, you stay in this pod and three -day -old meatloaf out

there. Johnny!

No!

More chocolate sauce on your pimento loaf, boys?

Yes, please.

Little Mac.

This was a strange and disturbing episode.

Johnny, be a doll and hold these girdles for Mama.

Oh, Mama, I can't be seen with all these lacy things.

The selection is terrible here. Next time I'll go to a better place.

Wait for Mama. I'll be in the changing room.

I'm just holding these for somebody.

Just holding them. What are you looking at?

Fromage today?

Fromage today?

Hey, pretty Mama.

Fromage today?

I'm blinded. I can't see.

Whoa, everything's hurried.

Hey, baby. Big Johnny sale today. One size fits all.

I'm just holding this.

Oh, nothing's fitting, Johnny.

Let's try the big and hefty across town.

Johnny?

Sweetie? Johnny, dear?

I've lost my baby.

What do you mean you don't know your address?

I think there was a one in it. And you have no idea where your mother is?

She said she was going to a better place.

Oh, you poor kid.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to turn you over to family court.

Family court?

I think my house looks something like this, Your Honor.

Well, that's very nice, Johnny, but I'm afraid it doesn't help us.

See the son?

He's smiling.

Johnny, we're going to have to place you with a foster family.

Well, all right, but you better ask my mama first.

You know, usually it's hard to place someone your age, but I think I know a

family that would be happy to have you.

You must be Johnny.

We're the Andersons.

Why would anyone live here?

I'm Kalak, and this is Unta, your new mom.

I'm freezing my butt off.

And I'm Bud.

We're gonna be brothers.

That's nice. Now get away from me. Come on, Johnny. Let me show you how I taught

Scout to fetch icicles.

I want a new trial.

Here, Scout.

Here, boy.

Good boy.

Now you try, Johnny.

Enough horseplay, kid.

Let's get you two scrubbed for dinner.

I can't feel my body. Let me show you around, Johnny. Now, this is the den.

We're going to knock all this down and put in permafrost later.

Where's the TV?

And this is where you and Bud will be bunking.

Dibs on the top.

Where's the TV?

Kids, Kayla.

Dinner's on!

Don't your people have fire?

Oh, no, Johnny. Fire bad.

How about some tartar sauce?

I'm worried about Johnny, Kalak. He seems to be having a hard time

Oh, relax, Unta. I'm sure that in no time, Johnny will learn to love Arctic

as much as we do.

Oh, my poor baby!

I can never replace him.

Yes? Good news, Mrs. Braffle. We found your son.

Hey, get a load of this dump. It ain't half bad.

This isn't my son.

Look, lady, you need a son, see? And that's me, see?

Oh, he's adorable, but so thin.

I'll take him. Let's get you into the kitchen and put some meat on those

Johnny, it's a beautiful day out. The weatherman says it might get up to four.

Oh, I'm bored, foster mama.

Oh, well, why don't you go introduce yourself to the neighbors? They have a

pretty daughter your age.

You said the magic word.

Neighbor? No.

The? No.

Introduce? Uh, I'm gonna go now. Help!

Ha! Hey there, frosty mama. You know, back home, they got 126 different words

for my kind of loving.

Johnny, up here we live by hunting, fishing, and selling insurance.

I don't know nothing about insurance.

Well, then let's start with fishing.

Ice fishing.

Just what we need. More ice.

Now the first step is to carve a hole.

Try it, son.

Whoa, Nellie! I think you got one there, Johnny.

Oh, she's a beauty, son.

Thanks, Dad.

Hey, where's my clamsposalipo? I made it with chocolate sprinkles like you like.

That son of yours didn't know how good he had it. What a maroon.

Yes, but he was my little maroon.

Oh, Johnny.

This is going to be the best lover man ever.

I'm making the head.

And I made a little hat out of walrus stomachs.

Scout, you come back here.

I'll get it, foster mama.

Give me that, you stupid chicken.

Johnny. Johnny, come back to me, darling.

Wiggy. Come home, Johnny.

Mama, it is you.

I'm coming, Mama.

Got you.

I must go, foster family.

We know, Johnny. Your place is at home watching TV. Here, take the keys to the

sled. I'll never forget you, Kalak.

Lady and...

Kid. Anyway, bye.

Most doggies.

He was a good son.

Yeah. Bit of a jerk, though.

Tell me about it.

More kugelmugsy?

Duh. And clear out tonight. I'm having a boy's over for poker. Of course,

sweetheart.

Hey, what's that racket?

Oh, doggie.

That voice.

Couldn't be.

Mama! Johnny!

Well, well. The prodigal son returns.

Who's the small guy?

Johnny, this is Mugsy. He's an adorable little street urchin.

Listen, wise guy. This is my toy now, see?

So clear out, or I'll have to get rough with you.

Hey, put me down!

Put me down, I said!

Mustard is...

Say hello to the Andersons for me, you little dweeb. I'll defrost some halibut

for you, darling.

Ah, don't bother, Mama. It's perfect the way it is.

Oh, Johnny, we're a family again.

That's right, Mama. There's no place like home.

Johnny Bravo, you trail a common tree stump by over $12 ,000.

Here's your final question. Name a four -food group.

Fruit, dairy, uh, beef jerky.

And a garden hose.

Oh, wrong.

Common, please stop. You're our winner.

Nuts. This game's fixed.

Chili

fries

in the sparkling water for madame.

Enjoy the grub.

I hate to see a woman dine alone.

Shove them.

Your eyes are like two jelly -like gloves that see things.

You want me, don't you?

Say, are you going to eat that?

Need ketchup.

You look like you're used to the finer things in life.

Want to see me do this?

You, sir, are no gentleman.

Yeah, she digs me.

Lose another one, Johnny?

What's a gentleman, Pop?

A gentleman?

A gentleman's the man of the world. A sophisticated, bold revolt.

Am I a gentleman?

Don't be discouraged, Johnny.

Anyone can become a gentleman.

Even you.

Johnny a gentleman?

That's a good one.

Laugh away, Carl.

But I bet I could turn Johnny into a gentleman in a matter of days.

Not Johnny. He eats soup with his fingers.

It's a lie.

Well, I bet you I could turn Johnny from simian to sophisticate by next Tuesday.

And the loser has to perform a Mexican hat dance for 24 hours. Hey, look at me.

I'm Spoon Man.

Better make that Wednesday.

Welcome to my humble abode, Johnny. Here we'll begin your transformation.

Hey, look at me. I'm Spinny Gloopy Man.

Focus, son.

The hallmark of a gentleman is how he behaves around a lady. Show me how you'd

behave on meeting this lady for the first time.

Hey, society mama.

First class accommodations still available on Air Johnny.

In case of emergency, you can use my feet as a flotation device.

Okay, I'm done talking. Now check out my pretty.

Hey,

I didn't know Burundi was a republic.

Don't worry, I anticipated this exact circumstance.

Hi, Johnny.

It's me, Carl.

I think I'm going to be sick. Johnny, what would you say to this woman if you

saw her on the street?

How'd you get out of your leash?

Now, Johnny, you want to be a sophisticated babe magnet, don't you?

I guess.

Well, good.

Then give the lady a little bow.

Yeah, Johnny, bow before me.

You miserable... Now tell me I'm pretty.

You're pretty.

Thank you.

What a repulsive.

Now, carry me.

That's right, Johnny.

Pretend there's a puddle on the street and carry the lady across.

Thank you, kind sir.

Oop, the hat store's closed.

Carry me back.

Good thing I fed them this morning.

When at tea, Johnny, a gentleman uses proper table etiquette.

Scone.

Tastes like sawdust. Give me the spray -o -mail.

Johnny, a gentleman should say, please pass the spray -o -mail.

Please pass the spray -o -mail.

I'd be delighted.

Let's try some polite table conversation.

Carl, what did you do today?

I removed the exoskeleton from an obsea hexacocci and mounted it on my wall.

How delightful.

And what did you do today, Johnny?

I know my pants fell down.

Weird.

Who's ready for you?

Johnny, don't wipe your mouth on the tablecloth.

That's my mother's dress.

My new little...

Pinky!

I ain't gonna say it. You've

got to.

Proper diction is the hallmark of a sophisticated gentleman.

I can't tell you. Why not?

Because it's stupid.

I guess Johnny doesn't want to be neck deep in gorgeous women who worship him

just because he's a gentleman.

The ants in France are prancing up my pants.

Why, George, he's got it. The end.

Whoa, hey, ho, stop. No, nuh -uh, no singing.

Now, to put Johnny to the test, and I know just the place.

Johnny, the gold cotillion.

You're in with the upper crust now, boy.

Try it again, Johnny. The ants in France are prancing up my pants.

Good boy!

Hey, there's the Duchess of Wiggystick.

If you pass with her, you're a gentleman for sure.

Follow me.

Duchess, you look splendid.

Oh, Pops, I haven't seen you since you saved my life during the soccer riot at

Wembley on Trent.

Twas nothing.

Say, I'd like you to meet my protege.

Johnny, meet the Duchess. Carl, you ugly old bastard hound. What are you doing?

The Duchess of Hoosierface is going to be here any minute.

Well, I beg your pardon?

Johnny. Stop.

Listen to me, you imputed hooligan.

If you say one more word, I'm going to put the hurtin' on you.

Put the hurtin' on?

That's it.

Johnny, no.

everyone. Sorry I'm late.