Original subtitles

BAD EXORCIST

Help!

Boss, what are you waiting for? Shoot!

I can't! Killing a spider brings rain!

And I just washed my van.

I understand. Goodbye, Boss.

If you drove a decent car, like, I don't know, a Lublin...

Fear not, my horned friend.

Help is coming!

I'll strangle the beast with my aureo-lasso!

Ouch! What have I done to you? I was better off with the spider!

Boss, shoot him before he hurts someone.

Are you fucking crazy?

Pathetic mortals,

if I wanted to,

I'd get medieval on your asses!

Or even better! Historical!

But since I have a giant hangover...

Ptooey with venom wherever!

I just wanted a sacramental hair of the dog!

You should've stayed out of it!

Boss, slippers.

Marcin, you're alive!

What did you say?

Spiders

are afraid of

slippers.

And you give me back my phone. I'm not dead.

Fine, cheapskate. You have no money on your card anyway.

Domino, you idiot, go get a slipper.

Where do I get a slipper?

I know! The sacristy!

You're in luck, pretty boy, I get the munchies when I'm hungover,

so I'll start with the fat guy.

Besides, he smells like alcohol,

and after the sacramental wine I have a craving!

What happened?

Oh no, a slipper!

Shit.

Phew, we did it again.

"We" didn't do anything.

We did it again.

Marcinek came up with the slippers, and Domino finished off the insect.

First, spiders are not insects, you idiot.

Second, if it wasn't for me, no one would have brought the slipper.

First, kiss my ass.

Second, take this eurolasso and shove it up your ass. Let's go.

You want to leave a dead demon in the church?

Hello? Demon disposal?

He's ready.

DEMON DUMP CZARNY DÓŁ, RZADKOCHOWA

NO ENTRY NO BALL PLAYING

DEMON DISPOSAL

Piece of shit.

I get burying carcasses so it doesn't stink,

but letting this trash from Hell come here is a bit too much.

They're not doing anything wrong.

They come, pray, light a candle, and bring flowers.

And they stay!

Ours immediately move to the grave next door.

Or worse, back to the stall.

Once, I didn't even get to my grandpa.

I thought, "Why is it so light?" They stole the wreath!

- Can we go? - Without backfilling?

This perv will dig it out anyway.

What are these people thinking?

They're young. They need to blow off steam.

Doctor Fuckshitcrap, what do you eat?

Sorry, Igor,

but we had to wait in hiding until the cemetery closed.

No one would hold it.

But we're wasting time,

while the corpse is getting cold.

Go. You know what to do.

I'll catch up with you in a bit.

How is it going? Almost done?

Just a moment.

They laughed at me for being a dentist.

"Dumbtist," they said.

Now the dentist will show the doctors what he's capable of.

I've always been capable of much more.

I was hired at a private practice straight out of college.

No specialty training, residency, all that crap.

I just had to make a deal with the devil.

And if I bring this baby back to life,

Beelzebutt will get me a medical degree!

Doctor Fuckshitcrap, it's ready.

Perfect!

I just need an appendix sphincter to complete my creation.

Oh my. Need a scalpel, Boss?

No need. I can reach it.

Finally! The moment I've been waiting for

since I didn't get into medical school.

My diploma is within my grasp! All I have to do is awaken my creation.

Das Überboruta!

A demon made from the remains of fallen devils.

An idea so bad that even Beelzebutt crossed himself

when he heard it!

By the way, he wished to witness the birth.

BEELZEBUTT CONNECTING

Your Motherfuckerness.

No time for pleasantries, Fuckshitcrap. Do you know what time it is in Hell?

- The same! - Right, it's after midnight.

Igor, start the car!

Pray that it works.

It won't start!

Too bad, but cost is no issue.

Start it on gas!

Are you sure? The fuel light is on!

Go ahead.

GAS

Step on it!

I don't get it. I really don't.

Fuckshitcrap, you have three more attempts, then...

I'll block your number.

And that's it for your diploma.

The fuel pump's dead. It seized up.

No wonder, since it was running dry.

What am I doing wrong?

I mean, there's enough power, 12 volts.

It would be 12 if the alternator was working.

Whatever. I'll go watch Frankenstein again,

and you clean up this place 'cause the owner will rip my balls off.

I was here to water the plants.

You should be more concerned about his dead fish.

That's what I'm talking about! Respect!

And they say size doesn't matter.

Stupid women.

What are you doing, you morons?

What? Are we doing it wrong?

You're doing it right. Too right.

More sparingly! I don't crap nails!

- It's too tight. - How about a suppository?

The nails, you idiot!

Exorcist, help! What have I done?

It's al...

What, alive?

No.

It's an alcoholic!

It drank all the medical spirit and got into the Kangoo,

and since the engine was warm, it started on LPG.

It can be anywhere

within a 15-kilometer radius because that's how far the gas will last.

Shit, it found me.

Dad!

Crap, it's Beelzebutt on a video call.

Dad!

What the hell is going on here?

Fuckshitcrap, may I remind you, you have only two attempts left.

Look.

Shit, it worked!

It's alive! I told you!

Glory to the Lord!

Kubuś, did you see? It worked!

And I began to doubt it. You must never lose hope.

Dad!

Exorcist, hurry up!

What do you want me to do?

Just because the boy's ugly doesn't mean you can kill him.

Shit, that Boner guy's there.

Kill him!

Not Fuckshitcrap! Boner!

Wait a minute.

Haven't we met before?

That's right, it's you!

You killed me many times.

It's because of you that I am what I am.

The Uberdemon!

Oh yeah.

What a beautiful attack.

Yeah, with venom.

Now the sting.

Oh, you've got a laser too.

Domino, no!

Boss, Domino's unconscious.

I think it's his magic!

Abracadabra!

Simsalabim!

Shit, what is a dinosaur doing here?

Fucking awesome. Kubuś, can I record this?

Yeah. Just click here.

And it disconnected.

Hi, Doctor, I can call you that now, Fuckshitcrap, is everything okay?

That was rough. And it began so inconspicuously.

A drunkard in a Kangoo.

Okay, Marcinek, leave this retard

and check if the professor is carrying a wallet.

After all, he owes us two hundred.

And I don't think he needs an invoice.

Not so fast!

Did you think the Uberdemon is that easy to kill?

I am a combination of all the demon races!

Fine, Mongreldemon.

If you have the powers of all these pests,

you should also have their weaknesses.

Damn, Boss, is this the Holy Grail?

Yes, the full name is Holy Grailnade.

See? Here's the safety pin.

I kept it for a rainy day, which seems to have come.

Immortal!

Okay, enough with the jokes. How should I kill you?

I know!

There's something better than death.

You will live and watch me destroy your world.

And to make it funnier, abracadabra, bam!

What's going on? At the same time, I want to get drunk,

I think someone's cheating me out of money,

and I feel like putting on funny glasses with a mustache.

The Golec brothers!

Only better because you're triplets. And in one body!

Well, it's time to go. Wake up!

Time to destroy Piaseczno!

Uberdemon and Beelzebutt,

we'll meet again!

THE END

Exorcist for less than three hundred

Actually, for two hundred More if you want an invoice

Watch out, Beelzebutt He will kick your butt

Watch out, Buttcifer He will get you in his sights