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1
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BAD EXORCIST
2
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{\an8}My dearest Mother.
3
00:00:17,208 --> 00:00:19,665
{\an8}- A heart appeared.
- Thanks. Yes, a heart.
4
00:00:19,666 --> 00:00:21,624
{\an8}God. I can see a face!
5
00:00:21,625 --> 00:00:22,832
{\an8}I see a face.
6
00:00:22,833 --> 00:00:24,582
- A face!
- I can't see it.
7
00:00:24,583 --> 00:00:26,707
I do. I see it.
8
00:00:26,708 --> 00:00:31,249
Oh, I see it. Holy Mother.
I love you. I see it.
9
00:00:31,250 --> 00:00:33,665
- A heart, yes.
- A face!
10
00:00:33,666 --> 00:00:35,874
I see a face in this rainbow.
11
00:00:35,875 --> 00:00:38,207
My dearest Mother.
12
00:00:38,208 --> 00:00:40,957
Glory to the Lord. My Lord.
13
00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:43,874
My dearest Mother. Do you see it?
14
00:00:43,875 --> 00:00:46,290
Do you see it?
15
00:00:46,291 --> 00:00:49,999
Holy Mother. Can't you see it?
16
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:52,665
Bravo. Look where she's going.
17
00:00:52,666 --> 00:00:55,333
Who? No one's going anywhere.
18
00:00:57,333 --> 00:00:59,040
Archbishop, have mercy!
19
00:00:59,041 --> 00:01:01,665
Possessions, demons,
superstitions are fair enough.
20
00:01:01,666 --> 00:01:03,082
But miracles?
21
00:01:03,083 --> 00:01:05,165
An old man like you
believes in fairy tales?
22
00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:07,249
Hey. Watch your mouth.
23
00:01:07,250 --> 00:01:08,999
Respect your superior.
24
00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:11,707
He doesn't believe...
How about a miracle mile?
25
00:01:11,708 --> 00:01:12,749
This is serious.
26
00:01:12,750 --> 00:01:16,624
A face in a rainbow,
a muffler shaped like Baby Jesus,
27
00:01:16,625 --> 00:01:19,249
a kettle whistling "Hallelujah."
28
00:01:19,250 --> 00:01:20,415
Seriously, Boss?
29
00:01:20,416 --> 00:01:23,790
If your faith's in crisis,
go to the liquor store.
30
00:01:23,791 --> 00:01:27,582
With a declining number of believers,
we can't be picky about testimonies.
31
00:01:27,583 --> 00:01:30,332
We'll recognize them all.
It's about quantity, not quality.
32
00:01:30,333 --> 00:01:33,290
That's why you'll go there,
document it, and confirm it.
33
00:01:33,291 --> 00:01:34,415
What have we got here?
34
00:01:34,416 --> 00:01:37,250
Jesus in a puddle. Beautiful, get to work.
35
00:01:39,166 --> 00:01:41,666
ADMISSION TO THE HOLY AUTO SERVICE 5 PLN
36
00:01:42,625 --> 00:01:44,999
It's only spilled gas.
37
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,415
- But look how it spilled!
- Normally.
38
00:01:47,416 --> 00:01:50,332
Come on! Look,
he's leaning against a buzz saw.
39
00:01:50,333 --> 00:01:52,999
These are the sandals, an aspergillum...
40
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:54,999
What is he holding, sandpaper?
41
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:58,207
Mr. Władziu, some people pay
and stand there all day.
42
00:01:58,208 --> 00:02:00,750
We take five zlotys, but for one hour.
43
00:02:02,916 --> 00:02:07,415
"With sandpaper,
leaning against a buzz saw."
44
00:02:07,416 --> 00:02:08,582
I can't even.
45
00:02:08,583 --> 00:02:13,457
Guys, for God's sake,
you are praying to a puddle!
46
00:02:13,458 --> 00:02:15,999
At an auto service shop
instead of the church.
47
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:19,165
And you're getting charged by the hour.
48
00:02:19,166 --> 00:02:21,415
And they don't charge you in the church?
49
00:02:21,416 --> 00:02:22,332
And how!
50
00:02:22,333 --> 00:02:25,999
And they frown upon coins.
51
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:27,499
Bills only!
52
00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:28,750
Wait. By the hour?
53
00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:31,583
Enough. I don't recognize it.
54
00:02:32,083 --> 00:02:34,332
Man of little faith,
55
00:02:34,333 --> 00:02:37,332
we do not need your approval.
56
00:02:37,333 --> 00:02:39,624
The church is where the faithful are.
57
00:02:39,625 --> 00:02:42,207
Five zlotys for an hour and a half.
58
00:02:42,208 --> 00:02:44,290
Open 24 hours a day!
59
00:02:44,291 --> 00:02:45,790
Hooray!
60
00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:48,624
Guys, he moved! He's waving at us!
61
00:02:48,625 --> 00:02:50,082
Oh Mother, he's waving!
62
00:02:50,083 --> 00:02:51,833
BENDER BAR
63
00:02:53,375 --> 00:02:55,957
{\an8}What is wrong with me?
64
00:02:55,958 --> 00:03:00,082
{\an8}I used to swallow everything.
Like Boner swallows vodka.
65
00:03:00,083 --> 00:03:01,874
{\an8}Without a chaser!
66
00:03:01,875 --> 00:03:04,915
{\an8}I even believed that the Earth was round.
67
00:03:04,916 --> 00:03:07,790
{\an8}And that the Mother of God was a...
68
00:03:07,791 --> 00:03:10,665
{\an8}Hey. Watch your mouth.
69
00:03:10,666 --> 00:03:11,999
A virgin all right.
70
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,749
Natan, look. Everyone goes
through this sooner or later.
71
00:03:15,750 --> 00:03:19,457
Burnout. Especially in this business.
72
00:03:19,458 --> 00:03:22,832
There's so much evil in this world
that it's hard to see the good.
73
00:03:22,833 --> 00:03:24,750
But it's there, Natan.
74
00:03:25,666 --> 00:03:27,124
- Good.
- See?
75
00:03:27,125 --> 00:03:28,040
Amen.
76
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:30,665
But the devil works in spectacular ways.
77
00:03:30,666 --> 00:03:33,165
Violence, plagues, pornography.
78
00:03:33,166 --> 00:03:36,999
And us? Christ on a window
and God in a tree.
79
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:40,165
Sometimes I feel like
throwing away my collar,
80
00:03:40,166 --> 00:03:42,999
forgetting Sister Leokadia's recipes,
81
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,999
and turning on the porn.
82
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:49,165
But a proper one, like BBC or EDM.
83
00:03:49,166 --> 00:03:51,666
Father Natan, I call you to order.
84
00:03:53,458 --> 00:03:54,665
I can't!
85
00:03:54,666 --> 00:03:58,582
I beseech you! Once you do it,
there will be no turning back.
86
00:03:58,583 --> 00:04:02,415
Parental control. "Are you sure?"
87
00:04:02,416 --> 00:04:03,749
"Turn off."
88
00:04:03,750 --> 00:04:04,916
Why?
89
00:04:05,666 --> 00:04:07,624
Drink. Drink up.
90
00:04:07,625 --> 00:04:08,999
It'll help. Trust me.
91
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:12,208
Oh yeah. Suck harder.
92
00:04:13,333 --> 00:04:15,000
Wait, let me hold your hair.
93
00:04:21,666 --> 00:04:25,249
Get it out of your system.
Spit out that demon of desire.
94
00:04:25,250 --> 00:04:26,166
Tomorrow...
95
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:30,540
Well, maybe the day after tomorrow
you'll feel better.
96
00:04:30,541 --> 00:04:31,999
You'll go to Wiskitki.
97
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:36,790
The intersection of the A2 highway
and the 50 national road forms a cross.
98
00:04:36,791 --> 00:04:37,833
Approve it.
99
00:04:39,250 --> 00:04:41,416
- Jesus.
- Now it's "Jesus!"
100
00:04:42,083 --> 00:04:45,249
But when in fear, God is dear!
101
00:04:45,250 --> 00:04:47,499
Now you've made your bed.
102
00:04:47,500 --> 00:04:50,582
A derailed angel. So-called derangel.
103
00:04:50,583 --> 00:04:54,624
Right, it's only logical.
He's derailed, it's easier to pronounce.
104
00:04:54,625 --> 00:04:56,082
You idiot!
105
00:04:56,083 --> 00:05:00,249
It's not that! I'm accompanied by a deer!
106
00:05:00,250 --> 00:05:02,499
Right, a fallow deer doe.
107
00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:05,665
Not a fallow deer, a red deer, you moron!
108
00:05:05,666 --> 00:05:07,582
My name's Red!
109
00:05:07,583 --> 00:05:11,582
Although this is a fallow deer doe.
I don't know why I got it. Never mind.
110
00:05:11,583 --> 00:05:16,208
For not recognizing the miracle,
you are invited to Purgatory!
111
00:05:17,166 --> 00:05:20,165
Time will pass quickly.
The job will be waiting.
112
00:05:20,166 --> 00:05:24,415
- I didn't come for him, you idiot.
- What?
113
00:05:24,416 --> 00:05:27,832
If a guy pisses his pants,
people laugh at him,
114
00:05:27,833 --> 00:05:29,290
not at his wiener.
115
00:05:29,291 --> 00:05:33,625
The price is paid by the decision maker.
In this case, you.
116
00:05:43,625 --> 00:05:45,999
Wait. What do I do now?
117
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:48,750
I don't talk to wieners.
118
00:05:51,166 --> 00:05:54,249
No!
119
00:05:54,250 --> 00:05:56,582
EXORCISM AGENCY BONER
120
00:05:56,583 --> 00:06:01,249
Congratulations popped up
that I was the millionth visitor.
121
00:06:01,250 --> 00:06:03,790
I clicked to get the prize,
and it crashed.
122
00:06:03,791 --> 00:06:06,040
Marcinek, where is my money?
123
00:06:06,041 --> 00:06:09,874
- I told you, no games!
- Boss, it's a scam.
124
00:06:09,875 --> 00:06:13,207
- Same as the grandparent one.
- Don't even remind me.
125
00:06:13,208 --> 00:06:15,999
He got me so bad
that I still celebrate Grandparents' Day.
126
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,374
I always wait. He never calls.
127
00:06:18,375 --> 00:06:22,374
Boss, you're not that old.
You don't even have children.
128
00:06:22,375 --> 00:06:24,999
- He's not your grandson!
- Yeah, right.
129
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,083
Then why did I send him all that money?
130
00:06:27,583 --> 00:06:28,999
Boner, help!
131
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:30,750
You can't say no!
132
00:06:33,208 --> 00:06:36,040
Natan, are you stoned?
133
00:06:36,041 --> 00:06:38,415
Get out, before I sic Domino on you.
134
00:06:38,416 --> 00:06:40,083
I'll pay upfront!
135
00:06:43,333 --> 00:06:48,125
There is only one way to get to Purgatory.
136
00:06:49,416 --> 00:06:50,749
The herbalist's hut?
137
00:06:50,750 --> 00:06:53,374
But Purgatory is between Earth and Heaven.
138
00:06:53,375 --> 00:06:56,874
A chopper would be better.
We should go to the airfield.
139
00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:59,624
No, Marcin. This is the afterworld.
140
00:06:59,625 --> 00:07:02,749
Exactly. And to get there,
141
00:07:02,750 --> 00:07:04,915
you have to die.
142
00:07:04,916 --> 00:07:07,082
Oh no. Not this time.
143
00:07:07,083 --> 00:07:10,749
Not really. It's about cheating death.
144
00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:13,999
And for that we need a herbalist.
145
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,416
Open up!
146
00:07:16,250 --> 00:07:18,249
No one's home.
147
00:07:18,250 --> 00:07:20,874
- How do you know?
- 'Cause I'm here.
148
00:07:20,875 --> 00:07:22,166
Come inside.
149
00:07:23,250 --> 00:07:25,582
What can I do for you?
150
00:07:25,583 --> 00:07:29,583
For you, my friend,
I suggest weed for a start.
151
00:07:30,583 --> 00:07:31,749
Then we'll see.
152
00:07:31,750 --> 00:07:35,916
You want a blue pill, am I right?
153
00:07:39,416 --> 00:07:41,624
And you seem to be shooting up.
154
00:07:41,625 --> 00:07:43,832
Can't help you with that.
Go out to the street.
155
00:07:43,833 --> 00:07:46,916
We need to get to Purgatory, sir.
156
00:07:48,041 --> 00:07:50,165
But figuratively or for real?
157
00:07:50,166 --> 00:07:51,582
For real.
158
00:07:51,583 --> 00:07:52,666
And to get back.
159
00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:58,457
This means you can die
for a maximum of 20 minutes.
160
00:07:58,458 --> 00:07:59,624
Otherwise,
161
00:07:59,625 --> 00:08:02,000
you'll stay there forever!
162
00:08:04,208 --> 00:08:07,249
Boys. Put the paper
in your mouths and let's go.
163
00:08:07,250 --> 00:08:12,082
Seriously? The way to Purgatory is
by taking acid and drinking vodka?
164
00:08:12,083 --> 00:08:14,125
A shortcut, yes. Cheers.
165
00:08:16,750 --> 00:08:19,082
Okay, now, before it hits us,
166
00:08:19,083 --> 00:08:21,165
set the countdown on your phone.
167
00:08:21,166 --> 00:08:23,916
You heard the herbalist, 20 minutes.
168
00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:27,458
I don't know. I think he fooled us.
I feel nothing.
169
00:08:29,750 --> 00:08:30,707
Where am I?
170
00:08:30,708 --> 00:08:33,125
Marcinek, watch out! Jesus!
171
00:08:34,166 --> 00:08:36,624
I can fucking fly!
172
00:08:36,625 --> 00:08:39,082
I'm hungry for souls,
173
00:08:39,083 --> 00:08:41,999
and I feel there's plenty here.
174
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:45,082
I'll pig out on them!
175
00:08:45,083 --> 00:08:47,250
I'll start with you!
176
00:08:48,583 --> 00:08:51,332
Shit, retreat!
177
00:08:51,333 --> 00:08:54,707
Now I regret that Domino is back.
178
00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:58,749
Me too! We should've left him in space.
179
00:08:58,750 --> 00:09:03,249
I hadn't thought about it,
but the devil in Purgatory is a bit much.
180
00:09:03,250 --> 00:09:05,915
John Paul II wrote about it!
181
00:09:05,916 --> 00:09:10,750
Run as much as you want!
You'll never escape me!
182
00:09:11,583 --> 00:09:15,832
But slow down a little!
I've just started flying.
183
00:09:15,833 --> 00:09:18,000
Let's hide in the ruins!
184
00:09:23,333 --> 00:09:24,499
We made it.
185
00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:27,915
We've gained some time.
By the way, how much do we have left?
186
00:09:27,916 --> 00:09:29,082
Six minutes.
187
00:09:29,083 --> 00:09:30,166
Shit.
188
00:09:30,666 --> 00:09:31,749
Boner?
189
00:09:31,750 --> 00:09:33,166
Boner, is that you?
190
00:09:33,791 --> 00:09:35,583
Here, in the dungeons!
191
00:09:38,375 --> 00:09:40,582
Archbishop, how did you know it was us?
192
00:09:40,583 --> 00:09:41,749
By the odor.
193
00:09:41,750 --> 00:09:44,332
I could smell the alcohol
before you came in.
194
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:47,915
We don't have much time.
In six minutes, we'll be stuck on acid.
195
00:09:47,916 --> 00:09:50,915
- In five.
- How do we get out of Purgatory?
196
00:09:50,916 --> 00:09:54,582
The herbalist took care of it.
No time to explain. Hurry!
197
00:09:54,583 --> 00:09:56,750
Not so fast!
198
00:09:57,458 --> 00:09:59,165
I don't know who you are,
199
00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:03,499
but I decide who leaves the Purgatory!
200
00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:07,124
And I won't be in the mood
for the next century!
201
00:10:07,125 --> 00:10:08,916
Plum, get them!
202
00:10:12,625 --> 00:10:14,624
Run!
203
00:10:14,625 --> 00:10:16,332
Wait. Help me!
204
00:10:16,333 --> 00:10:18,375
Boss, did you see? Gołota.
205
00:10:22,125 --> 00:10:23,707
Two minutes. What now?
206
00:10:23,708 --> 00:10:25,915
Now, you will die!
207
00:10:25,916 --> 00:10:27,332
Fuck, a demon.
208
00:10:27,333 --> 00:10:33,415
What have you done?
A demon in Purgatory is a bit much.
209
00:10:33,416 --> 00:10:35,916
Plum, kill him!
210
00:10:39,666 --> 00:10:41,083
This is our chance!
211
00:10:41,666 --> 00:10:43,666
Where are you going?
212
00:10:45,416 --> 00:10:47,332
Boss, 20 seconds!
213
00:10:47,333 --> 00:10:50,124
You think it's easy
cutting lines while running?
214
00:10:50,125 --> 00:10:51,832
This is your solution?
215
00:10:51,833 --> 00:10:53,999
I can understand alcohol, but coke?
216
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,415
So expensive!
217
00:10:55,416 --> 00:10:58,083
Father, don't talk. Snort!
218
00:10:58,916 --> 00:11:00,083
Got ya!
219
00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:07,082
Too late.
220
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:08,750
Fuck, we're dead.
221
00:11:09,375 --> 00:11:11,415
I hope they found you.
222
00:11:11,416 --> 00:11:14,124
If they haven't returned after 20 minutes,
223
00:11:14,125 --> 00:11:15,499
they're dead.
224
00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:17,833
Only a miracle could save them.
225
00:11:18,541 --> 00:11:20,082
I believe in miracles.
226
00:11:20,083 --> 00:11:21,208
Amen!
227
00:11:24,333 --> 00:11:25,583
What's going on?
228
00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:28,082
No, that can't be!
229
00:11:28,083 --> 00:11:29,833
I'm the one who decides!
230
00:11:31,083 --> 00:11:34,999
- What's going on here?
- I outsmarted you, derangel.
231
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,749
Or should I say, dickhead!
232
00:11:37,750 --> 00:11:41,500
I'll disappear in three, two, one...
233
00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:44,332
What's going on?
234
00:11:44,333 --> 00:11:48,415
- No.
- Come on, he's not that bad.
235
00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,499
And he owes me a lot of money.
236
00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:53,582
And what reason do I have
to bring him back to life?
237
00:11:53,583 --> 00:11:55,165
Christians forgive.
238
00:11:55,166 --> 00:11:57,000
Fucking Christians. Fine.
239
00:11:59,541 --> 00:12:00,582
Natan, you fu--
240
00:12:00,583 --> 00:12:01,582
{\an8}THE END
241
00:12:01,583 --> 00:12:03,582
{\an8}Exorcist for less than three hundred
242
00:12:03,583 --> 00:12:06,582
{\an8}Actually, for two hundred
More if you want an invoice
243
00:12:06,583 --> 00:12:09,665
{\an8}Watch out, Beelzebutt
He will kick your butt
244
00:12:09,666 --> 00:12:12,916
{\an8}Watch out, Buttcifer
He will get you in his sights
17329
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