Original subtitles

BAD EXORCIST

My dearest Mother.

- A heart appeared. - Thanks. Yes, a heart.

God. I can see a face!

I see a face.

- A face! - I can't see it.

I do. I see it.

Oh, I see it. Holy Mother. I love you. I see it.

- A heart, yes. - A face!

I see a face in this rainbow.

My dearest Mother.

Glory to the Lord. My Lord.

My dearest Mother. Do you see it?

Do you see it?

Holy Mother. Can't you see it?

Bravo. Look where she's going.

Who? No one's going anywhere.

Archbishop, have mercy!

Possessions, demons, superstitions are fair enough.

But miracles?

An old man like you believes in fairy tales?

Hey. Watch your mouth.

Respect your superior.

He doesn't believe... How about a miracle mile?

This is serious.

A face in a rainbow, a muffler shaped like Baby Jesus,

a kettle whistling "Hallelujah."

Seriously, Boss?

If your faith's in crisis, go to the liquor store.

With a declining number of believers, we can't be picky about testimonies.

We'll recognize them all. It's about quantity, not quality.

That's why you'll go there, document it, and confirm it.

What have we got here?

Jesus in a puddle. Beautiful, get to work.

ADMISSION TO THE HOLY AUTO SERVICE 5 PLN

It's only spilled gas.

- But look how it spilled! - Normally.

Come on! Look, he's leaning against a buzz saw.

These are the sandals, an aspergillum...

What is he holding, sandpaper?

Mr. Władziu, some people pay and stand there all day.

We take five zlotys, but for one hour.

"With sandpaper, leaning against a buzz saw."

I can't even.

Guys, for God's sake, you are praying to a puddle!

At an auto service shop instead of the church.

And you're getting charged by the hour.

And they don't charge you in the church?

And how!

And they frown upon coins.

Bills only!

Wait. By the hour?

Enough. I don't recognize it.

Man of little faith,

we do not need your approval.

The church is where the faithful are.

Five zlotys for an hour and a half.

Open 24 hours a day!

Hooray!

Guys, he moved! He's waving at us!

Oh Mother, he's waving!

BENDER BAR

What is wrong with me?

I used to swallow everything. Like Boner swallows vodka.

Without a chaser!

I even believed that the Earth was round.

And that the Mother of God was a...

Hey. Watch your mouth.

A virgin all right.

Natan, look. Everyone goes through this sooner or later.

Burnout. Especially in this business.

There's so much evil in this world that it's hard to see the good.

But it's there, Natan.

- Good. - See?

Amen.

But the devil works in spectacular ways.

Violence, plagues, pornography.

And us? Christ on a window and God in a tree.

Sometimes I feel like throwing away my collar,

forgetting Sister Leokadia's recipes,

and turning on the porn.

But a proper one, like BBC or EDM.

Father Natan, I call you to order.

I can't!

I beseech you! Once you do it, there will be no turning back.

Parental control. "Are you sure?"

"Turn off."

Why?

Drink. Drink up.

It'll help. Trust me.

Oh yeah. Suck harder.

Wait, let me hold your hair.

Get it out of your system. Spit out that demon of desire.

Tomorrow...

Well, maybe the day after tomorrow you'll feel better.

You'll go to Wiskitki.

The intersection of the A2 highway and the 50 national road forms a cross.

Approve it.

- Jesus. - Now it's "Jesus!"

But when in fear, God is dear!

Now you've made your bed.

A derailed angel. So-called derangel.

Right, it's only logical. He's derailed, it's easier to pronounce.

You idiot!

It's not that! I'm accompanied by a deer!

Right, a fallow deer doe.

Not a fallow deer, a red deer, you moron!

My name's Red!

Although this is a fallow deer doe. I don't know why I got it. Never mind.

For not recognizing the miracle, you are invited to Purgatory!

Time will pass quickly. The job will be waiting.

- I didn't come for him, you idiot. - What?

If a guy pisses his pants, people laugh at him,

not at his wiener.

The price is paid by the decision maker. In this case, you.

Wait. What do I do now?

I don't talk to wieners.

No!

EXORCISM AGENCY BONER

Congratulations popped up that I was the millionth visitor.

I clicked to get the prize, and it crashed.

Marcinek, where is my money?

- I told you, no games! - Boss, it's a scam.

- Same as the grandparent one. - Don't even remind me.

He got me so bad that I still celebrate Grandparents' Day.

I always wait. He never calls.

Boss, you're not that old. You don't even have children.

- He's not your grandson! - Yeah, right.

Then why did I send him all that money?

Boner, help!

You can't say no!

Natan, are you stoned?

Get out, before I sic Domino on you.

I'll pay upfront!

There is only one way to get to Purgatory.

The herbalist's hut?

But Purgatory is between Earth and Heaven.

A chopper would be better. We should go to the airfield.

No, Marcin. This is the afterworld.

Exactly. And to get there,

you have to die.

Oh no. Not this time.

Not really. It's about cheating death.

And for that we need a herbalist.

Open up!

No one's home.

- How do you know? - 'Cause I'm here.

Come inside.

What can I do for you?

For you, my friend, I suggest weed for a start.

Then we'll see.

You want a blue pill, am I right?

And you seem to be shooting up.

Can't help you with that. Go out to the street.

We need to get to Purgatory, sir.

But figuratively or for real?

For real.

And to get back.

This means you can die for a maximum of 20 minutes.

Otherwise,

you'll stay there forever!

Boys. Put the paper in your mouths and let's go.

Seriously? The way to Purgatory is by taking acid and drinking vodka?

A shortcut, yes. Cheers.

Okay, now, before it hits us,

set the countdown on your phone.

You heard the herbalist, 20 minutes.

I don't know. I think he fooled us. I feel nothing.

Where am I?

Marcinek, watch out! Jesus!

I can fucking fly!

I'm hungry for souls,

and I feel there's plenty here.

I'll pig out on them!

I'll start with you!

Shit, retreat!

Now I regret that Domino is back.

Me too! We should've left him in space.

I hadn't thought about it, but the devil in Purgatory is a bit much.

John Paul II wrote about it!

Run as much as you want! You'll never escape me!

But slow down a little! I've just started flying.

Let's hide in the ruins!

We made it.

We've gained some time. By the way, how much do we have left?

Six minutes.

Shit.

Boner?

Boner, is that you?

Here, in the dungeons!

Archbishop, how did you know it was us?

By the odor.

I could smell the alcohol before you came in.

We don't have much time. In six minutes, we'll be stuck on acid.

- In five. - How do we get out of Purgatory?

The herbalist took care of it. No time to explain. Hurry!

Not so fast!

I don't know who you are,

but I decide who leaves the Purgatory!

And I won't be in the mood for the next century!

Plum, get them!

Run!

Wait. Help me!

Boss, did you see? Gołota.

Two minutes. What now?

Now, you will die!

Fuck, a demon.

What have you done? A demon in Purgatory is a bit much.

Plum, kill him!

This is our chance!

Where are you going?

Boss, 20 seconds!

You think it's easy cutting lines while running?

This is your solution?

I can understand alcohol, but coke?

So expensive!

Father, don't talk. Snort!

Got ya!

Too late.

Fuck, we're dead.

I hope they found you.

If they haven't returned after 20 minutes,

they're dead.

Only a miracle could save them.

I believe in miracles.

Amen!

What's going on?

No, that can't be!

I'm the one who decides!

- What's going on here? - I outsmarted you, derangel.

Or should I say, dickhead!

I'll disappear in three, two, one...

What's going on?

- No. - Come on, he's not that bad.

And he owes me a lot of money.

And what reason do I have to bring him back to life?

Christians forgive.

Fucking Christians. Fine.

Natan, you fu--

THE END

Exorcist for less than three hundred

Actually, for two hundred More if you want an invoice

Watch out, Beelzebutt He will kick your butt

Watch out, Buttcifer He will get you in his sights