Original subtitles

BAD EXORCIST

Wait! Engineer Tomczyk is injured!

Damn it. Good thing we took two. I knew there'd be casualties.

Protect the Docent, even with your own bodies.

We can't go home without him.

Wait, it's the least I can do for him.

In the name of Mary, Hail Father. Amen.

He's in Heaven now.

You idiot, it won't work. You're not a priest anymore.

Oh no, one is a priest 'til the end. In another parish, if anything.

Let's get out of here, or you'll be dead in a minute.

Oh no, a crack! We are screwed.

What are you talking about?

Just jump.

I don't know about humans,

but aliens really suck at jumping, even though we look like frogs.

I can't do it.

Docent Białas, it's easy. Look!

Okay.

Quick! It's not much further!

TWO HOURS EARLIER

WILLDO.PL

Forgive me, Archbishop, but ever since the Internet was deemed the work of Satan,

we've been having problems with the mobile app orders.

You ordered the JP or JP2 burger?

The double one. What am I, a girl?

It doesn't seem right.

Since Domino became Archbishop, nothing is allowed.

As long as they don't ban this, it's fine.

As the saying goes, what the heart can't take,

the liver will.

Cheers.

Now that's a double cheeseburger.

Look at all that cheese.

Next time, I'll take a JP 100%.

Governor, give me that boring report,

and I'll play Candy Crush.

Here it goes.

As per your guidelines, we extended the Sunday trade ban to Saturday.

I don't think it'll boost church attendance.

It's already 100%, since absence is punished by flogging.

- And the basket-coll. - Right. Absolutely.

Fucking awesome.

But isn't banning electricity a bit extreme, Your Excellency?

Wasn't there an outlet in the stable?

Right.

But sometimes, electricity is useful.

How will you charge the Smartphone of Providence?

Relax,

I had a tiny nuclear power plant built at home.

What? Double standards?

And by The Holy Chosen One?

Governor. What the governor can do...

is not allowed to you.

Compulsory religion exam instead of math? Fair enough.

- We have calculators. - They're banned.

English?

Maybe it's for the best. I was never good at it.

But mandatory high-emission furnaces?

It's getting dumber. He banned Thursday.

A month ago, we had immortality machines.

And now?

Czarek.

Let's do it.

Come on, I'm married.

That's not what I mean. I mean a coup.

Oh, that. Okay. After all, I'm a big shot in the army.

I'll call my troops.

What's going on?

Right. I forgot. It's banned. I have to go there.

No one's here.

He found out and ran away.

Along with his minions.

But don't think you'll get away with it,

you Holy Shithead.

Let's get them.

You had it coming, Domino.

It was fine, and you ruined it.

You were like a dog in the manger.

But unlike the dog, you were eating.

Not my fault. Power's like potato chips.

You won't stop eating until someone takes them away.

So many good people have gone crazy over them.

Papa Smurf, Popek, and...

Jarosław... What's his name? It starts with "K."

- Kuźniar. - What are we going to do?

What we should have done in the first place.

Go back home.

Domino, you said you had a UFO at home.

It's no use. I can't start it, let alone steer it.

- So how did you fly? - I had an engineer on board.

Right! The penal colony.

What nonsense. One digs, the other backfills.

It's pointless!

Exactly. It'd be twice as fast with a backhoe.

Quiet!

You're not on vacation.

It's called penal colony for a reason.

Dig!

And backfill.

Engineer Tomczyk, why don't we switch?

For variety.

Oh no!

No degrees here, Mr. Białas.

You won't boss me around like at the Institute.

- What are you talking about? - Oh, I'll tell you.

Tomczyk, put the results in the table. Tomczyk, the calculations don't add up.

Tomczyk, do I smell alcohol?

Fuck, I'd rather be shoveling.

Exactly.

That's why you'll be a crappy engineer for the rest of your life.

If you were a docent like me,

you'd have your dignity.

I've had enough!

I beg you, just one more.

Białas,

you've already smoked half my pack.

You're lucky I'm quitting.

Hold on!

I'll smoke too.

Jesus, it stinks.

- Do you know how unhealthy that is? - One has to die of something.

Although you will probably die in this penal colony.

Lucky bastards.

And I'll fucking struggle with cancer.

For several years.

Did you know that my Maciuś starts school in two years--

Quick, there's no time. You'll thank me later.

Quick! It's not much further!

Phew, we're here.

Welcome to my humble abode.

Castel Gandalfo. Gandalf had one just like it.

- What? - Jesus! The Grey Wizard.

The Lord of the Rings?

The best movie in the world? Nothing?

I liked The Hobbit better.

You really are a noob, Marcin.

And the Boss is a muggle.

Follow me!

And we'll be safe there, right?

No way! Look at it!

It's just stairs and a room with a game console at the end.

But I call FC Barcelona.

Right. Jeez!

If all goes well, I'll have an elevator installed.

Tot el camp

És un clam

Make yourselves at home. It'll take a while.

They're already climbing the stairs. Where's the UFO?

On the terrace, but I told you I can't use it.

What do you think?

If I can start my van, I can start this too.

Fuck, a computer!

- The van has a hand crank. - Relax.

I took computer science in school.

I might not have been a top student, but, "On," autopilot, Piaseczno.

I can't believe it! It worked! We're flying!

It's gonna be so boring. Do you know how long it takes to fly to Earth?

I had a hunch to bring the console. Wait, I'll plug it in.

But I'm warning you, I'm FC Barcelona.

- Leave it, or you'll break something! - Hey!

Hold on. What is that?

I don't know. Voice control?

Really? Hey, UFO!

What do you want to do?

Turn on the nabiga... nagiba...

- Excuse me? - Exactly. It's a bit unstable.

Okay. They say travel broadens the mind.

What did we learn on this journey?

- Domino? - I learned nothing.

Exaggeration is never good.

Alcohol, for example.

Say, 0.7 of vodka per person gives you a nice buzz.

It's very close to one liter,

but sometimes an additional 200 grams can tip the scales.

And you piss your pants.

Cheers.

THE END

Exorcist for less than three hundred

Actually, for two hundred More if you want an invoice

Watch out, Beelzebutt He will kick your butt

Watch out, Buttcifer He will get you in his sights