Original subtitles

BAD EXORCIST

This is supposed to be a predator? Eaten by his own food?

- Maybe they're herbivorous? - Or stupid.

Fuck. Just don't make eye contact.

Like with a bum outside the store.

The so-called "liquor store" strategy.

After a while, he'll give up and go to someone else.

Shit. How would that even work?

What kind of liquor store has only one customer?

Think, Boner, think.

Got it!

Fuck, I have guns.

Come on, he almost got him!

Oh no, a box of food costs ten zlotys, and I've never had such a pair before.

It's enough that the male's dead.

Bye, Kuba. Goodbye, Mr. Brzeziński.

Goodbye, Bartuś.

Dad, can we go back? I think one of them died.

Kubuś, come on. We just got back.

The car's all dusty.

And I don't want to get stung again.

Come on, Dad, that tentacle will grow back in two days.

We can go after you've done your math homework?

Jesus.

It's not bad.

There are a few ways in, but we have to wait until dark.

Buddy, are you here to take charge or to jump on trees like a monkey?

We go in after dark.

Oh no, not this again! There's got to be a limit!

Tentacle change. This one's numb.

It's fucking awesome to have so many arms. And the suction cups.

Ouch, not the balls.

Kuba, go to sleep. It's a school night!

I'm sleeping.

Right, and you produce these tissues in your sleep.

The door stays open.

Buying your child a phone was a great idea.

It's a tablet. He said he needed it to study.

To study! To study sex education, maybe.

If watching porn was graded, he'd graduate with honors.

Come on, Ewcia, maybe we could use some tutoring, too.

The pet door indicates that an animal lives in the house.

Let's not draw attention.

Even if the dog is small, it will be big for us.

- I suggest-- - Buddy!

I'm the one that makes suggestions,

and I suggest you shut your mouth.

We go in hard like Waszka G.

Besides, this may not even be a pet door.

Looks more like a toilet seat to me.

- All the more reason to be careful. - Wuss.

Fine, let's keep it quiet.

Whoever speaks first likes Polish reggae.

And if reggae's your song, you su--

Come on, Ewcia, don't be like that.

When was the last time, huh?

I'll show you.

So what if you have a headache? I don't need your head.

Tadeusz, I'm tired. You should've thought about this earlier.

Earlier...

Earlier, I was busy thinking of how to keep this cabaret going.

They want freaking karate, Pilates, private tutors...

And now, these lizards. They freaking stink!

Crickets chirping in the house. It's like living in a pasture.

Like cattle.

Ewcia, I'm asking for the last time.

Then I'll stop asking.

You'll see. I'll put on some porn, and I swear to God, I'll jerk off.

Right here and now. Before your eyes.

This is our chance.

Come on! Give me the phone.

Oh! You...

You're like a dog in a manger. You won't eat and won't let me eat.

Should I be like Marek?

He goes to a brothel every weekend and calls it a business trip.

Show me a tire fitter who goes on business trips.

Ewcia, come on.

Look at it! It's not gonna last forever.

Surprisingly, it's not gonna last forever.

You'll want it when I can't anymore, and then there'll be tears.

Should I tie my dick into a bow?

I'm a healthy man! I have needs!

Give me the phone.

Stop pretending! I can see you're not sleeping.

Hey, over here!

Over here, you morons!

Over here, for fuck's sake!

He's there. In the terrarium.

You don't seem to get what this game is about.

You suck a dong, too. Okay, second round.

Finally.

But it's also kind of sad.

You get used to the cell.

Every morning, the brownie brings us chow,

then yard time, and back to the chicken coop.

They could clean this place more often, though.

Throw me a rope! The glass is too thick to break!

I swear, one day I'll write back to the sexy moms in my area.

Where's his tablet?

What a mess. Just like in that stinky terrarium.

The only thing missing here is a shit.

Oh, there it is.

Wait, it's an uneaten sandwich.

A cabaret!

It's not here.

A man gets nothing from this life.

Just work and die on this treadmill.

I'm not asking for a million whores!

I just want to jerk off!

- Dad? - Um...

Why aren't you sleeping? You have school at eight. A cabaret!

The door's closed. It'd be a sin not to take advantage of it!

Okay, no time to go down the rope.

Someone catch me.

Ouch! By the balls?

Shit, what is this?

The final opponent.

We have to pass him to get out of the house.

He's a big one. He'll be hard to kill.

We don't have to kill him.

We just need to distract him.

Nice. Keep talking.

I'll attack him.

Before he tears me to pieces and kills me,

you will gain a few seconds.

A few precious seconds to escape.

Great,

but a few seconds is not enough. We need something else.

Got it!

We'll use this!

Mr. Bogdan, a cat toy? It's a suicide.

A cardboard box, a crumpled piece of paper, sure,

but show me a cat that plays with a store-bought toy.

This can work.

Okay, game over. I need to say a few words.

I'll laugh at you for the rest of my life for what you did today.

It's as if you talked on purpose.

Marcin, four times, this one twice,

and Mr. Bogdan never shut up.

I was dying of laughter the whole time.

Chirp, chirp, motherfuckers! Feeling silly?

Baldie?

Łukson.

That's right, tweet, tweet. Chirp, chirp.

Fuck. I think I hit myself too hard with that bottle.

- Wait, I feel dizzy. - Łuki, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm gonna fuck 'em up, tweet, tweet. I just need a breather, chirp, chirp.

Freaks! They fucked up Łukson!

Chirp, chirp!

Quick, let's get out of here! It's going to rain.

Where are we? Is this our world?

It is.

Welcome to CathoMcDonald's.

Shit, this buzz is annoying.

Oh! I almost forgot.

You're fired!

THE END

Exorcist for less than three hundred

Actually, for two hundred More if you want an invoice

Watch out, Beelzebutt He will kick your butt

Watch out, Buttcifer He will get you in his sights