Original subtitles

BAD EXORCIST

FATHER DOMINO

You couldn't help yourself?

You had to put a pumpkin outside the institute?

How was I supposed to know that was also forbidden?

Last year they didn't mind.

I just wanted to give the kids Halloween candy.

You moron, it's called the Day of the Dead now.

It's fucking serious and, therefore, boring.

Engineer Tomczyk, what dead?

Nobody has died here in 200 years.

Since immortality was invented.

Docent Białas, what kind of world do you live in?

They threw away all the immortality machines

because they had hearts on them.

Shit, we're dead.

Or not! It's good.

The dogs will lose the trail.

And? What did you do?

Well, I confessed, and I'm snorting again. I've been up for four days.

The dogs lost the trail.

No problem.

What are you doing?

I'm listening.

Błażej!

Gentlemen, we can explain.

You will explain

to His Excellency Domingo.

If you survive the torture.

Tie them up with zip ties.

That's fucked up!

Nothing will surprise me today.

And yet...

Fuck! Fuck off, fuckers!

You...

Sorry, I didn't turn on the translator.

Hello. We come in peace.

Their language is like ours, but the words mean different things.

Domino?

Hooray!

Wait. I thought you were gonna stay in Hell forever.

Why are you here?

Can't you see? I'm converting aliens.

Okay, get in. No time to explain.

I'll explain en route!

Billions of years ago, when there were no planets,

no cosmos, and no stars,

there was a Big Bang that started everything.

That's when atoms were formed.

These atoms began to collide and spin until celestial bodies were formed,

on which life emerged over time.

Who would believe such nonsense?

Who would want to wait that long to be born?

We all know how it went.

God, seven days, and bam, we're flying a rocket.

What are you talking about, you moron?

Tell us why we're here.

And how did you go

from a jester in the infernal hereafter to a cosmic clergyman?

There's not much to laugh about in the nothingness.

There's nothing there, so nothing happens.

I ran out of topics for jokes.

I had no way to entertain Shitan, so I started making fun of his mother.

Which he didn't like.

Long story short, he banished me to space.

It was smooth sailing from there.

A rescued RoboShepherd, an ancient prophecy,

a holy book, a Holy Chosen One.

You connect the dots.

Damn. That's amazing.

You'll see amazing when we get there.

These aliens are fucking nuts.

What happened? You broke it!

Don't touch the hologram.

The rules are the same as in a strip club. Look, don't touch.

See these universities, hospitals, community centers?

- We'll close them all soon. - What?

There will be a temple there. I named it "Of Providence" for now.

Remind me to look up what it means later.

Father Domino!

- Governor? - More heretics.

Well, duty calls. Follow me. To the Palace of Providence.

What do we have here?

Head of a tech university and a gynecologist.

- What did they do? - One taught, the other aborted.

This won't take long.

Torture them!

Torture? But these were the recommendations! Mercy!

Help!

As you can see, we deal with pagans quite well.

Unfortunately, there are forces here that we can't play with.

That's why I called you here.

Quickly, barricade the windows and doors. Dusk is falling!

All to the Church of Providence.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Oh, and nine. All good?

Is it so hard to remember ten?

January! Where's January?

That punk! I'll show him when I find him.

- Thank God corporal punishment's restored. - Amen.

They're here.

Wait a minute.

What a punk.

If the demons don't kill him, I will.

- Henryk, he's your son. - Can I be sure?

It doesn't matter now. The boy must be brought in.

When I do it, he'll be sorry the spawn was sprayed with sperm.

Dad, but you bought me the fireworks yourself.

Fireworks are for the Easter Resurrection.

- Not for fun? - Alcohol's for fun.

- Henryk! - What? He's already 13.

I can see my bar is running out. I may be stupid, but I'm not blind.

Fuck.

- Come on, Dad, it wasn't me! - What?

Phew, I think they're gone.

How do you do, losers? Isn't it groovy?

Jesus, Kamil, stop with the boomer talk already, eh?

Let's ransack the farmyards, defile the cattle and buildings,

scare the villagers, maybe even kill one,

and return to the cursed fence.

Don't worry.

We're in the Church of Providence.

We are safe as long as we are inside.

Dinodevils won't dare cross the threshold of the temple.

Devilsaurs, you moron.

Dinodevils became extinct hundreds of years ago. Get it?

What now, huh?

Feeling silly, son?

- Shit, Kamil, it itches terribly. - It wouldn't if you showered.

Whatever. Let's kill them quickly and get out of here. It's fucking cold.

Yeah, because on the cursed fence, the weather's fucking awesome.

Now, sir, mind you, say goodbye to life!

Wait--

Holy Father and Son. Woe to us!

That's right, miss.

We're about to wreak havoc you can't even imagine!

Hallelujah, motherfuckers!

Not a step further, or I'll spray you with the Aspergillum of Providence!

Hooray! The Holy Chosen One!

The savior of the RoboShepherd!

In the flesh. And in a moment, the Dinodevil Slayer!

We're Devilsaurs, son, mind you.

Whoop, amen, hallelujah, praise be!

Shove that brush up your ass. Ignaś, hit him with a laser!

- Did I hit him? - What you were aiming at?

- The priest. - Then fuck no.

Wait, gimme.

Shoot!

The Vest of Providence saved my life.

The Holy Chosen One.

More like the Shithead One!

What Chosen One, Kamil?

The Chosen One from the prophecy has two companions.

The lamb and the bum.

Marcinek, you dumbass, now!

The prophecy has been fulfilled.

- Run, buddy. - Cheerio, losers.

Boss, don't waste bullets.

There's no chance of hitting him at this speed.

Even if we were standing, the chances would be slim.

Shooting makes me think better.

Besides, even a blind squirrel finds an acorn sometimes.

And the second one dropped dead.

He didn't drop, you killed him. Again.

Not a bad start.

The governor's gonna kill me.

Do you know how much it cost to fly to Earth for you?

Now the village is destroyed, the cthmules are dead,

and the demons are still here.

Domino, I didn't ask for this.

I just wanted to fly a UFO.

But it's true. Even a blind squirrel can hit the jackpot sometimes.

Dinopeasant blood.

We've got them.

If anybody asks, we never left.

Fuck, I got so scared of that bang that I bit my lip.

- Shit, I'm bleeding. - Got the booze?

Fuck me. I'm gonna freeze here.

Here we go.

Why couldn't we show up at some cursed palace?

Or in a cursed five-star hotel.

Or at least in a cursed shed.

I'm coming down too.

No shit, this cursed fence is cursed.

Fuck.

Seriously, have you got the booze?

Okay, I take back everything I said.

This fence is awesome. Cursed.

Bottoms up.

Wait, I know it's called firewater, but...

doesn't this vodka smell like gas?

I can't smell anything. I have a runny nose.

It's for drinking, not smelling. Chug it.

Right. Cheers.

Phew, it worked. Boss, you had a great idea with that gas.

- You bet. - Domino!

The savior of the RoboShepherd and the village of Bigots!

Hooray!

Domino!

Wait, it was Boss--

Long live Father Domino!

The Holy Chosen One has defeated the demons!

That's right. With this aspergillum!

Hooray!

Domino!

THE END

Exorcist for less than three hundred

Actually, for two hundred More if you want an invoice

Watch out, Beelzebutt He will kick your butt

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