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1
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BAD EXORCIST
2
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{\an8}FATHER DOMINO
3
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{\an8}You couldn't help yourself?
4
00:00:21,625 --> 00:00:24,374
You had to put a pumpkin
outside the institute?
5
00:00:24,375 --> 00:00:27,332
How was I supposed to know
that was also forbidden?
6
00:00:27,333 --> 00:00:29,207
Last year they didn't mind.
7
00:00:29,208 --> 00:00:32,165
I just wanted to give the kids
Halloween candy.
8
00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:35,415
You moron,
it's called the Day of the Dead now.
9
00:00:35,416 --> 00:00:38,332
It's fucking serious
and, therefore, boring.
10
00:00:38,333 --> 00:00:41,457
Engineer Tomczyk, what dead?
11
00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:43,832
Nobody has died here in 200 years.
12
00:00:43,833 --> 00:00:46,499
Since immortality was invented.
13
00:00:46,500 --> 00:00:49,415
Docent Białas,
what kind of world do you live in?
14
00:00:49,416 --> 00:00:52,290
They threw away
all the immortality machines
15
00:00:52,291 --> 00:00:54,375
because they had hearts on them.
16
00:00:56,083 --> 00:00:57,582
Shit, we're dead.
17
00:00:57,583 --> 00:00:59,165
Or not! It's good.
18
00:00:59,166 --> 00:01:01,166
The dogs will lose the trail.
19
00:01:06,583 --> 00:01:08,582
And? What did you do?
20
00:01:08,583 --> 00:01:12,958
Well, I confessed, and I'm snorting again.
I've been up for four days.
21
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The dogs lost the trail.
22
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No problem.
23
00:01:21,208 --> 00:01:22,416
What are you doing?
24
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I'm listening.
25
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Błażej!
26
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:37,832
Gentlemen, we can explain.
27
00:01:37,833 --> 00:01:39,165
You will explain
28
00:01:39,166 --> 00:01:42,333
to His Excellency Domingo.
29
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If you survive the torture.
30
00:01:48,583 --> 00:01:50,083
Tie them up with zip ties.
31
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That's fucked up!
32
00:01:53,916 --> 00:01:55,666
Nothing will surprise me today.
33
00:01:57,166 --> 00:01:58,333
And yet...
34
00:02:00,416 --> 00:02:03,249
Fuck! Fuck off, fuckers!
35
00:02:03,250 --> 00:02:04,625
You...
36
00:02:06,916 --> 00:02:09,040
Sorry, I didn't turn on the translator.
37
00:02:09,041 --> 00:02:11,249
Hello. We come in peace.
38
00:02:11,250 --> 00:02:15,165
Their language is like ours,
but the words mean different things.
39
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Domino?
40
00:02:16,541 --> 00:02:18,625
Hooray!
41
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Wait. I thought you were gonna
stay in Hell forever.
42
00:02:23,291 --> 00:02:24,332
Why are you here?
43
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Can't you see? I'm converting aliens.
44
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Okay, get in. No time to explain.
45
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I'll explain en route!
46
00:02:34,083 --> 00:02:38,332
Billions of years ago,
when there were no planets,
47
00:02:38,333 --> 00:02:40,665
no cosmos, and no stars,
48
00:02:40,666 --> 00:02:45,749
there was a Big Bang
that started everything.
49
00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:47,749
That's when atoms were formed.
50
00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:52,499
These atoms began to collide and spin
until celestial bodies were formed,
51
00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:55,500
on which life emerged over time.
52
00:02:58,375 --> 00:03:00,707
Who would believe such nonsense?
53
00:03:00,708 --> 00:03:03,665
Who would want to
wait that long to be born?
54
00:03:03,666 --> 00:03:04,915
We all know how it went.
55
00:03:04,916 --> 00:03:07,915
God, seven days, and bam,
we're flying a rocket.
56
00:03:07,916 --> 00:03:09,999
What are you talking about, you moron?
57
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,540
Tell us why we're here.
58
00:03:11,541 --> 00:03:13,040
And how did you go
59
00:03:13,041 --> 00:03:16,915
from a jester in the infernal hereafter
to a cosmic clergyman?
60
00:03:16,916 --> 00:03:20,290
There's not much to laugh about
in the nothingness.
61
00:03:20,291 --> 00:03:22,749
There's nothing there, so nothing happens.
62
00:03:22,750 --> 00:03:25,332
I ran out of topics for jokes.
63
00:03:25,333 --> 00:03:30,290
I had no way to entertain Shitan,
so I started making fun of his mother.
64
00:03:30,291 --> 00:03:32,165
Which he didn't like.
65
00:03:32,166 --> 00:03:34,665
Long story short, he banished me to space.
66
00:03:34,666 --> 00:03:36,499
It was smooth sailing from there.
67
00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:39,749
A rescued RoboShepherd,
an ancient prophecy,
68
00:03:39,750 --> 00:03:41,832
a holy book, a Holy Chosen One.
69
00:03:41,833 --> 00:03:43,249
You connect the dots.
70
00:03:43,250 --> 00:03:46,249
Damn. That's amazing.
71
00:03:46,250 --> 00:03:49,540
You'll see amazing when we get there.
72
00:03:49,541 --> 00:03:51,416
These aliens are fucking nuts.
73
00:03:51,916 --> 00:03:54,874
What happened? You broke it!
74
00:03:54,875 --> 00:03:56,874
Don't touch the hologram.
75
00:03:56,875 --> 00:04:00,500
The rules are the same as in a strip club.
Look, don't touch.
76
00:04:13,583 --> 00:04:18,500
See these universities,
hospitals, community centers?
77
00:04:19,083 --> 00:04:21,249
- We'll close them all soon.
- What?
78
00:04:21,250 --> 00:04:25,415
There will be a temple there.
I named it "Of Providence" for now.
79
00:04:25,416 --> 00:04:28,207
Remind me to look up what it means later.
80
00:04:28,208 --> 00:04:30,249
Father Domino!
81
00:04:30,250 --> 00:04:33,207
- Governor?
- More heretics.
82
00:04:33,208 --> 00:04:37,333
Well, duty calls. Follow me.
To the Palace of Providence.
83
00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:47,582
What do we have here?
84
00:04:47,583 --> 00:04:50,500
Head of a tech university
and a gynecologist.
85
00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:54,082
- What did they do?
- One taught, the other aborted.
86
00:04:54,083 --> 00:04:55,500
This won't take long.
87
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,582
Torture them!
88
00:04:57,583 --> 00:05:00,833
Torture? But these were
the recommendations! Mercy!
89
00:05:02,458 --> 00:05:04,415
Help!
90
00:05:04,416 --> 00:05:07,790
As you can see,
we deal with pagans quite well.
91
00:05:07,791 --> 00:05:12,082
Unfortunately, there are forces here
that we can't play with.
92
00:05:12,083 --> 00:05:14,500
That's why I called you here.
93
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:19,999
Quickly, barricade the windows and doors.
Dusk is falling!
94
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,625
All to the Church of Providence.
95
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:28,958
Five, six, seven, eight.
96
00:05:29,666 --> 00:05:31,707
Oh, and nine. All good?
97
00:05:31,708 --> 00:05:33,832
Is it so hard to remember ten?
98
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:36,332
January! Where's January?
99
00:05:36,333 --> 00:05:38,665
That punk! I'll show him when I find him.
100
00:05:38,666 --> 00:05:41,583
- Thank God corporal punishment's restored.
- Amen.
101
00:05:51,208 --> 00:05:52,832
They're here.
102
00:05:52,833 --> 00:05:54,041
Wait a minute.
103
00:06:00,291 --> 00:06:01,457
What a punk.
104
00:06:01,458 --> 00:06:04,790
If the demons don't kill him, I will.
105
00:06:04,791 --> 00:06:07,250
- Henryk, he's your son.
- Can I be sure?
106
00:06:08,041 --> 00:06:10,749
It doesn't matter now.
The boy must be brought in.
107
00:06:10,750 --> 00:06:14,458
When I do it, he'll be sorry
the spawn was sprayed with sperm.
108
00:06:16,791 --> 00:06:19,999
Dad, but you bought me
the fireworks yourself.
109
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,665
Fireworks are for the Easter Resurrection.
110
00:06:22,666 --> 00:06:25,415
- Not for fun?
- Alcohol's for fun.
111
00:06:25,416 --> 00:06:27,999
- Henryk!
- What? He's already 13.
112
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:32,291
I can see my bar is running out.
I may be stupid, but I'm not blind.
113
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Fuck.
114
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- Come on, Dad, it wasn't me!
- What?
115
00:06:42,541 --> 00:06:45,500
Phew, I think they're gone.
116
00:06:47,416 --> 00:06:50,499
How do you do, losers? Isn't it groovy?
117
00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:54,165
Jesus, Kamil,
stop with the boomer talk already, eh?
118
00:06:54,166 --> 00:06:57,207
Let's ransack the farmyards,
defile the cattle and buildings,
119
00:06:57,208 --> 00:07:00,374
scare the villagers, maybe even kill one,
120
00:07:00,375 --> 00:07:02,833
and return to the cursed fence.
121
00:07:04,916 --> 00:07:05,832
Don't worry.
122
00:07:05,833 --> 00:07:08,374
We're in the Church of Providence.
123
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We are safe as long as we are inside.
124
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Dinodevils won't dare
cross the threshold of the temple.
125
00:07:14,916 --> 00:07:16,790
Devilsaurs, you moron.
126
00:07:16,791 --> 00:07:20,166
Dinodevils became extinct
hundreds of years ago. Get it?
127
00:07:22,875 --> 00:07:24,832
What now, huh?
128
00:07:24,833 --> 00:07:26,040
Feeling silly, son?
129
00:07:26,041 --> 00:07:29,832
- Shit, Kamil, it itches terribly.
- It wouldn't if you showered.
130
00:07:29,833 --> 00:07:33,499
Whatever. Let's kill them quickly
and get out of here. It's fucking cold.
131
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:36,416
Yeah, because on the cursed fence,
the weather's fucking awesome.
132
00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:40,665
Now, sir, mind you, say goodbye to life!
133
00:07:40,666 --> 00:07:41,915
Wait--
134
00:07:41,916 --> 00:07:44,749
Holy Father and Son. Woe to us!
135
00:07:44,750 --> 00:07:46,207
That's right, miss.
136
00:07:46,208 --> 00:07:49,916
We're about to wreak havoc
you can't even imagine!
137
00:07:53,333 --> 00:07:55,832
Hallelujah, motherfuckers!
138
00:07:55,833 --> 00:08:00,832
Not a step further, or I'll spray you
with the Aspergillum of Providence!
139
00:08:00,833 --> 00:08:03,082
Hooray! The Holy Chosen One!
140
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:05,249
The savior of the RoboShepherd!
141
00:08:05,250 --> 00:08:09,832
In the flesh.
And in a moment, the Dinodevil Slayer!
142
00:08:09,833 --> 00:08:12,499
We're Devilsaurs, son, mind you.
143
00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:15,832
Whoop, amen, hallelujah, praise be!
144
00:08:15,833 --> 00:08:19,791
Shove that brush up your ass.
Ignaś, hit him with a laser!
145
00:08:23,166 --> 00:08:25,540
- Did I hit him?
- What you were aiming at?
146
00:08:25,541 --> 00:08:27,499
- The priest.
- Then fuck no.
147
00:08:27,500 --> 00:08:28,541
Wait, gimme.
148
00:08:29,458 --> 00:08:30,458
Shoot!
149
00:08:35,666 --> 00:08:39,041
The Vest of Providence saved my life.
150
00:08:40,333 --> 00:08:41,749
The Holy Chosen One.
151
00:08:41,750 --> 00:08:43,540
More like the Shithead One!
152
00:08:43,541 --> 00:08:45,290
What Chosen One, Kamil?
153
00:08:45,291 --> 00:08:48,915
The Chosen One from the prophecy
has two companions.
154
00:08:48,916 --> 00:08:50,957
The lamb and the bum.
155
00:08:50,958 --> 00:08:54,916
Marcinek, you dumbass, now!
156
00:08:57,583 --> 00:09:00,082
The prophecy has been fulfilled.
157
00:09:00,083 --> 00:09:03,000
- Run, buddy.
- Cheerio, losers.
158
00:09:07,250 --> 00:09:09,624
Boss, don't waste bullets.
159
00:09:09,625 --> 00:09:13,082
There's no chance
of hitting him at this speed.
160
00:09:13,083 --> 00:09:16,749
Even if we were standing,
the chances would be slim.
161
00:09:16,750 --> 00:09:19,666
Shooting makes me think better.
162
00:09:20,750 --> 00:09:25,333
Besides, even a blind squirrel
finds an acorn sometimes.
163
00:09:29,250 --> 00:09:31,332
And the second one dropped dead.
164
00:09:31,333 --> 00:09:33,499
He didn't drop, you killed him. Again.
165
00:09:33,500 --> 00:09:34,665
Not a bad start.
166
00:09:34,666 --> 00:09:36,624
The governor's gonna kill me.
167
00:09:36,625 --> 00:09:40,165
Do you know how much it cost
to fly to Earth for you?
168
00:09:40,166 --> 00:09:43,082
Now the village is destroyed,
the cthmules are dead,
169
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,832
and the demons are still here.
170
00:09:44,833 --> 00:09:47,249
Domino, I didn't ask for this.
171
00:09:47,250 --> 00:09:49,166
I just wanted to fly a UFO.
172
00:09:50,208 --> 00:09:54,083
But it's true. Even a blind squirrel
can hit the jackpot sometimes.
173
00:09:58,208 --> 00:10:00,250
Dinopeasant blood.
174
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,333
We've got them.
175
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,249
If anybody asks, we never left.
176
00:10:10,250 --> 00:10:14,125
Fuck, I got so scared
of that bang that I bit my lip.
177
00:10:14,750 --> 00:10:17,416
- Shit, I'm bleeding.
- Got the booze?
178
00:10:20,166 --> 00:10:23,458
Fuck me. I'm gonna freeze here.
179
00:10:24,125 --> 00:10:25,499
Here we go.
180
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:29,665
Why couldn't we show up
at some cursed palace?
181
00:10:29,666 --> 00:10:33,165
Or in a cursed five-star hotel.
182
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,625
Or at least in a cursed shed.
183
00:10:36,166 --> 00:10:37,249
I'm coming down too.
184
00:10:37,250 --> 00:10:40,291
No shit, this cursed fence is cursed.
185
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:43,540
Fuck.
186
00:10:43,541 --> 00:10:45,500
Seriously, have you got the booze?
187
00:10:50,333 --> 00:10:52,832
Okay, I take back everything I said.
188
00:10:52,833 --> 00:10:55,582
This fence is awesome. Cursed.
189
00:10:55,583 --> 00:10:57,833
Bottoms up.
190
00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:01,791
Wait, I know it's called firewater, but...
191
00:11:03,125 --> 00:11:06,166
doesn't this vodka smell like gas?
192
00:11:08,208 --> 00:11:10,249
I can't smell anything.
I have a runny nose.
193
00:11:10,250 --> 00:11:12,999
It's for drinking, not smelling. Chug it.
194
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:14,666
Right. Cheers.
195
00:11:21,750 --> 00:11:25,540
Phew, it worked.
Boss, you had a great idea with that gas.
196
00:11:25,541 --> 00:11:26,749
- You bet.
- Domino!
197
00:11:26,750 --> 00:11:30,457
The savior of the RoboShepherd
and the village of Bigots!
198
00:11:30,458 --> 00:11:31,582
Hooray!
199
00:11:31,583 --> 00:11:36,999
Domino!
200
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,665
Wait, it was Boss--
201
00:11:38,666 --> 00:11:40,832
Long live Father Domino!
202
00:11:40,833 --> 00:11:44,415
The Holy Chosen One
has defeated the demons!
203
00:11:44,416 --> 00:11:47,374
That's right. With this aspergillum!
204
00:11:47,375 --> 00:11:48,582
Hooray!
205
00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:54,332
Domino!
206
00:11:54,333 --> 00:11:55,332
{\an8}THE END
207
00:11:55,333 --> 00:11:57,124
{\an8}Exorcist for less than three hundred
208
00:11:57,125 --> 00:12:00,499
{\an8}Actually, for two hundred
More if you want an invoice
209
00:12:00,500 --> 00:12:03,415
{\an8}Watch out, Beelzebutt
He will kick your butt
210
00:12:03,416 --> 00:12:06,458
{\an8}Watch out, Buttcifer
He will get you in his sights
15523
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