Original subtitles

BAD EXORCIST

Marcinek, you moron. Do you know how many years I've been in this business?

- No. - Exactly.

I don't know either.

But I know it's been long.

And you're not the first moron to help me.

- I know. There's Domino. - Domino's an idiot.

- Isn't that the same thing? - No.

There is a subtle difference between these virtues.

- But a moron like you wouldn't get it. - Thank you.

Exactly.

There used to be another Marcinek.

WE DON'T SERVE THESE PEOPLE

Why so glum?

Band! Play "Green Eyes I've gone Crazy."

Half a liter for me, and for my fiancée...

Where's that whore?

It was a good call not to pay upfront.

We're closed.

No you're not. It's five to on my watch. Right, buddy?

Half a liter for me and my new friend.

Boss.

Now we're talking. Band, play!

- Bogdan. - Bogdan's fine.

Okay, now something in English.

I gotta take a leak.

Boss, what are you doing?

Marcinek, you moron, you don't upset the underdrinker.

It's a powerful demon that looks like a man,

even a female,

but in a rage, it changes beyond recognition.

He's like this guy... Dr. Alban.

You mean Dr. Jekyll?

Exactly. And Mr. President.

This is what we'll do. We'll drink a bit more,

and I'll try to convince him to buy another round.

You were supposed to get rid of the demon, not bring in another underdrinker.

Chill, Boss. I'm gonna get him wasted.

At that point I passed out, and I don't remember anything,

but I learned everything from "The Doom of Piaseczno" crime column.

A 50-year-old resident of Jazgarzew tried to plow his field using his mother.

Unfortunately, he came across an unexploded New Year's Eve firework.

The man lost his eye, and his mother lost her patience.

I said, "No fireworks in the field."

We'd have a horse, and you'd have an eye.

Just like his father, God rest his soul.

I hope he doesn't haunt us. That's the last thing we need.

Oh, pardon. Wrong article.

What is it? You're supposed to be playing disco polo!

Cops?

Madness!

Now I'm thirsty!

Bartender, get the open bar ready.

Marcinek took matters into his own hands

and went after the underdrinker, trumpet in hand.

And even though he played the most beautiful tune he knew,

"Sto lat..."

the music didn't touch the soul because Marcinek sucked at it.

Once again, no one remembers my birthday!

It's not today!

One fucking time.

Just once a day a man wants a proper drink, but no!

It's always something. If not hiccups, then no funds.

I didn't pawn my wedding ring

to not party all night.

Bartender, fill me up.

How about two shots?

Two shots?

So I need meat jelly, bartender!

Now I'm really pissed.

When the underdrinker finally got drunk and passed out,

he turned back into a man.

The police didn't believe the demon story,

and I was a shitty witness.

Therefore, the customer got eight years

for manslaughter in self-defense.

Eight years ago today.

And I know very well where the underdrinker will go first

after leaving prison.

Can't he turn into a demon in prison to escape?

Hey, Marcinek. You've obviously never been in prison.

You can't drink there.

Oh no, not this time. Besides, we're closing soon.

Chill, Boss.

I came to settle some accounts.

Oh yeah? Let's start with your tab.

You went pretty wild back then.

Shit.

Chill, man. Fine, we're even.

Quiet! He'll be here soon.

- Who? - The underdrinker.

Man, he got out about four years ago for good behavior.

What?

So you didn't call this morning to remind me about this case?

Are you an idiot, you moron?

You won't get the subtle difference anyway.

I told you, we're closing.

Over my dead body.

Now you're gonna pay me for everything!

- Marcinek? - Marcinek. Fuck.

I worked for you for three years, and you can't remember?

My name is Grzegorz.

Oh, then nothing has changed. I am Kamil.

Shut up, Marcinek. Can't you see what's going on?

An exorcist should know better.

Lead bullets for a ghost?

Besides, you missed.

Band, play dramatic music!

Shit, he's playing the pipe like a devil.

Where did you learn that, pal?

As a boy, I used to play first fiddle on the flute during the nativity plays.

STEFAN BORUTA ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

I fucking dig this tune.

Too bad we have to leave this place.

- To go where? - To the afterworld.

Shit, he outsmarted me.

He may be a ghost, but his gun is real.

Fucking run!

The door was open!

Excuse me.

Marcinek, put the gun down, and let's talk!

We have nothing more to talk about.

I used to visit your grave,

bring you flowers, and even ordered a Mass.

You think we can't see what's happening on Earth in Heaven?

You didn't even come to the funeral,

and let me remind you, I died because of you.

Because of your drinking!

I'm not saying you should wash my grave,

but couldn't you come and visit?

I know!

Which one is it?

I did not see this coming.

- What now? - I'll improvise!

- How? - I'll put flowers on a random grave.

And let's pray it's his.

Wouldn't it be better to ask that guy?

Come on!

Eh, Grzechu. It's been eight years.

Although for me, it's been 12 because time served counts double.

Time without booze counts double.

But you know what, Grześ? I'm catching up.

It's spirit.

- Sir! - Shit, it's the janitor again!

- Wait, wasn't that-- - That's right!

Even my murderer visits me because he feels guilty,

and my ex-boss doesn't know where my grave is.

You cried more when the shocks on your van broke than when I died.

Don't even remind me. 200 zlotys down the drain.

Marcinek, now!

What?

Take the big one and put it at his feet.

What now?

Now, shut up and stand silent for a while.

No!

Oh, come on.

You're lucky that Heaven's law only allows killing in anger.

And I just got over it.

Thank you for the flowers. Beautiful. And what a big candle.

I wish I could've seen it burn. But I can tell it's decent.

Did I miss anything? I got a little tired of that run-walk.

But I saw a bus stop.

The schedule said night bus left 10 minutes ago.

But they're always late. And I was right.

I waited 15 minutes, and it arrived.

Domino, you mor...

I'm sorry, you idiot. Play something sad.

The only sad song I know is "Bitch, see what you've done."

- So I don't know. - It'll do.

I forgive you, Boss.

I was going to die anyway. If not now, then in 50 years.

Besides, Heaven isn't so bad.

Well, it's time for me to go.

Visit me on All Saints' Day.

When these old hags leave, we have a party like you can't imagine.

Just watch out for the janitor because he's after us.

- A stickler? - No, just an underdrinker.

THE END

Exorcist for less than three hundred

Actually, for two hundred More if you want an invoice

Watch out, Beelzebutt He will kick your butt

Watch out, Buttcifer He will get you in his sights