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1
00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:15,250
BAD EXORCIST
2
00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:19,374
{\an8}"This is gonna be a good evening,"
I thought.
3
00:00:19,375 --> 00:00:20,290
{\an8}Good evening.
4
00:00:20,291 --> 00:00:21,707
{\an8}And I said.
5
00:00:21,708 --> 00:00:23,624
{\an8}The canon of crime.
6
00:00:23,625 --> 00:00:28,790
First, always say hello to your neighbors,
so that if things go south, they can say,
7
00:00:28,791 --> 00:00:33,082
"Oh, he was such a good boy.
He always said hello."
8
00:00:33,083 --> 00:00:36,957
Today is the day.
My first serious customer.
9
00:00:36,958 --> 00:00:38,874
From retail to wholesale.
10
00:00:38,875 --> 00:00:41,291
From small fry to small potatoes.
11
00:00:41,791 --> 00:00:46,540
What could be better for a 22-year-old boy
in this country than dealing drugs?
12
00:00:46,541 --> 00:00:48,874
At this age, I can even go to prison.
13
00:00:48,875 --> 00:00:50,124
I have the time.
14
00:00:50,125 --> 00:00:51,165
Fuck.
15
00:00:51,166 --> 00:00:53,415
I don't know if I thought it or said it.
16
00:00:53,416 --> 00:00:56,832
Hey! You kiss your mother with that mouth?
17
00:00:56,833 --> 00:01:00,499
Sorry, Mrs. Maciejewska.
My shoe got untied.
18
00:01:00,500 --> 00:01:02,249
Since I became a dealer,
19
00:01:02,250 --> 00:01:04,957
I hate dogs twice as much.
20
00:01:04,958 --> 00:01:06,207
First, they bite.
21
00:01:06,208 --> 00:01:08,457
Second, fuck the police.
22
00:01:08,458 --> 00:01:09,416
Go away!
23
00:01:11,250 --> 00:01:15,707
Point two of the canon. No adultery.
That's what brothels are for.
24
00:01:15,708 --> 00:01:18,875
Point three. Always carry pepper spray.
25
00:01:21,250 --> 00:01:24,958
Got ya, you mutt.
You've been sprayed before.
26
00:01:25,541 --> 00:01:26,458
Shit.
27
00:01:36,166 --> 00:01:37,625
Come on!
28
00:01:51,458 --> 00:01:54,249
"Express, my ass," I thought.
29
00:01:54,250 --> 00:01:58,040
I'll look like an amateur
if I eat a kebab during the deal.
30
00:01:58,041 --> 00:01:59,583
What's going on?
31
00:02:09,916 --> 00:02:13,665
Now we're talking!
First food, then business.
32
00:02:13,666 --> 00:02:15,582
Hey, I'm Fatso. Call me Tomek.
33
00:02:15,583 --> 00:02:17,250
- Sroka.
- How's the grub?
34
00:02:19,666 --> 00:02:22,791
Oh, it's already good. Double XXL.
35
00:02:23,458 --> 00:02:24,958
Are you gonna pick it up?
36
00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:32,874
I'm so full.
37
00:02:32,875 --> 00:02:36,624
That's what I'd say
if this double XXL was really double.
38
00:02:36,625 --> 00:02:37,999
Wasn't it small?
39
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:41,249
Thanks for saving me with yours
because a hungry man is a bad man.
40
00:02:41,250 --> 00:02:43,083
No offense. Where did you park?
41
00:02:43,583 --> 00:02:45,999
Fuck, so far away?
42
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:49,165
Like it matters
whether we get caught here or there.
43
00:02:49,166 --> 00:02:53,375
Okay, give me the stuff,
and I'll push it to the punks for 50 each.
44
00:02:56,208 --> 00:02:59,207
As we agreed,
25 each, but you take it all.
45
00:02:59,208 --> 00:03:01,665
Sure, bro, you have it in writing.
46
00:03:01,666 --> 00:03:02,958
Didn't I text you?
47
00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:04,541
Oh, is he yours?
48
00:03:07,750 --> 00:03:10,249
Clever. If there is a woman on patrol,
49
00:03:10,250 --> 00:03:13,040
she'll get distracted by the dog
and forget about the check.
50
00:03:13,041 --> 00:03:15,749
Just wash him because he smells like shit.
51
00:03:15,750 --> 00:03:18,249
This was not my dog.
52
00:03:18,250 --> 00:03:20,582
This was not a good evening.
53
00:03:20,583 --> 00:03:25,415
I don't know how,
but I knew that I was going to die.
54
00:03:25,416 --> 00:03:28,541
The fifth and final point
of the canon of crime,
55
00:03:29,083 --> 00:03:29,916
fuck the--
56
00:03:43,750 --> 00:03:45,750
LAWN MOWING CHEAP!
57
00:03:51,875 --> 00:03:53,041
That's exactly how
58
00:03:54,166 --> 00:03:57,082
I imagined a company event.
59
00:03:57,083 --> 00:03:58,582
I liked it.
60
00:03:58,583 --> 00:04:02,124
- Only there wasn't enough food.
- There was no food at all.
61
00:04:02,125 --> 00:04:04,915
- Exactly.
- They give? You take.
62
00:04:04,916 --> 00:04:08,915
I don't know what school you went to,
but certainly not elementary.
63
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:12,957
We should've charged at least 1,000 zlotys
for the renovation of this bar,
64
00:04:12,958 --> 00:04:14,832
not a one-time open bar.
65
00:04:14,833 --> 00:04:16,999
How much vodka can you drink? One bottle?
66
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,790
- That's the second one.
- So two.
67
00:04:18,791 --> 00:04:22,082
I got the hiccups from this Coke.
68
00:04:22,083 --> 00:04:24,499
- See?
- And I like my water.
69
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:26,665
Too bad I have to go to the loo to get it.
70
00:04:26,666 --> 00:04:28,583
- Want some?
- Make it louder.
71
00:04:29,291 --> 00:04:33,624
{\an8}...a dogcatcher torn to pieces,
but the police says it wasn't a dog.
72
00:04:33,625 --> 00:04:34,582
{\an8}More like a bitch.
73
00:04:34,583 --> 00:04:36,665
{\an8}It's a busy night for the authorities.
74
00:04:36,666 --> 00:04:39,665
{\an8}Mysterious mutilations occurred
across the county.
75
00:04:39,666 --> 00:04:41,665
{\an8}Now that's a dog's life.
76
00:04:41,666 --> 00:04:44,082
{\an8}For Fib's Pulse, Marcin Staśker.
77
00:04:44,083 --> 00:04:46,415
A stray dog.
78
00:04:46,416 --> 00:04:48,749
Boss, come on, that's nonsense.
79
00:04:48,750 --> 00:04:51,332
Even in Hell we laugh at this legend.
80
00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:55,249
And I'm not laughing.
I used to laugh at hemorrhoids.
81
00:04:55,250 --> 00:04:57,165
Now I cry about them.
82
00:04:57,166 --> 00:05:02,041
Don't move, police! Hands up!
All illegal substances on the table!
83
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,790
It's just a police joke.
84
00:05:06,791 --> 00:05:09,207
Put it away, before I change my mind.
85
00:05:09,208 --> 00:05:11,750
I have a business with this gentleman.
86
00:05:12,375 --> 00:05:16,457
Bogdan, I didn't want to say this on TV
so I wouldn't look like a nut,
87
00:05:16,458 --> 00:05:19,832
but I think this is the work
of the supernatural.
88
00:05:19,833 --> 00:05:22,082
We're having a company event right now.
89
00:05:22,083 --> 00:05:26,832
I'll be available tomorrow morning
around 1 p.m. Make it, 5 p.m.
90
00:05:26,833 --> 00:05:28,707
What do I tell people, Boner?
91
00:05:28,708 --> 00:05:32,707
Seven bodies,
mangled as if run over by a disc harrow.
92
00:05:32,708 --> 00:05:33,915
Not for me, Bogdan.
93
00:05:33,916 --> 00:05:35,165
For those people.
94
00:05:35,166 --> 00:05:38,207
How long can it take?
You'll be tanking up again in an hour.
95
00:05:38,208 --> 00:05:39,665
Speaking of, give me a shot.
96
00:05:39,666 --> 00:05:41,749
No way, this is a closed party.
97
00:05:41,750 --> 00:05:44,165
Ooh, dear.
98
00:05:44,166 --> 00:05:45,833
What's it gonna be, Boguś?
99
00:05:46,375 --> 00:05:48,624
- 200 zlotys.
- Boner, 100.
100
00:05:48,625 --> 00:05:50,790
And I'll turn a blind eye to your DUI.
101
00:05:50,791 --> 00:05:52,665
'Cause you're not going on foot.
102
00:05:52,666 --> 00:05:55,041
What "DUI"? I'm so--
103
00:05:56,083 --> 00:05:57,207
Exactly.
104
00:05:57,208 --> 00:06:00,416
And you, put your ID
and stuff from your pocket on the table.
105
00:06:06,833 --> 00:06:09,999
I tore so many people to pieces today!
106
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:10,915
Like a badass.
107
00:06:10,916 --> 00:06:13,582
I think it's that fatso's speed
that gave me such a kick.
108
00:06:13,583 --> 00:06:15,915
You should have tried it.
109
00:06:15,916 --> 00:06:21,249
Man, I'm a dog. Chocolate can kill us.
You know what would happen if I tried it?
110
00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:24,374
- Bullshit.
- I don't know why you follow me.
111
00:06:24,375 --> 00:06:26,915
You're like a dog with a bone. Woof.
112
00:06:26,916 --> 00:06:28,749
Not my fault, pal.
113
00:06:28,750 --> 00:06:31,874
I wouldn't be here if your owner
hadn't cursed you for biting him.
114
00:06:31,875 --> 00:06:34,165
That's why you can talk. To my detriment.
115
00:06:34,166 --> 00:06:38,374
And I don't think
I've heard a "thank you" yet.
116
00:06:38,375 --> 00:06:41,375
- Who untied you?
- Don't even remind me.
117
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,832
Damn mutt. What tempted me
to buy you for Christmas?
118
00:06:47,833 --> 00:06:50,915
If only that turd would walk you...
But no, I have to.
119
00:06:50,916 --> 00:06:54,124
Every day at 5 a.m.,
as if he couldn't pee at 7.
120
00:06:54,125 --> 00:06:56,082
I wish I had such a routine.
121
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:59,665
I spend hours over the toilet,
dripping with pain.
122
00:06:59,666 --> 00:07:02,790
And how much the prince eats!
And better than I do.
123
00:07:02,791 --> 00:07:05,624
The dog food is twice
as expensive as headcheese.
124
00:07:05,625 --> 00:07:07,999
And how does he return the kindness?
125
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,582
The damn mutt bit me.
126
00:07:10,583 --> 00:07:12,833
May the devil take you!
127
00:07:14,458 --> 00:07:15,457
Done.
128
00:07:15,458 --> 00:07:17,957
But just so it's not like
I didn't give you a chance,
129
00:07:17,958 --> 00:07:20,125
here, know your master's mercy.
130
00:07:28,583 --> 00:07:30,666
I'm too good for you, Halinka.
131
00:07:31,375 --> 00:07:34,582
If a man has a big heart,
he must have a tough butt.
132
00:07:34,583 --> 00:07:36,791
Your eyes will open as mine close.
133
00:07:51,625 --> 00:07:54,500
That's what happened, I swear.
I've been pondering over it.
134
00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:57,500
I know why I killed him.
135
00:07:58,333 --> 00:08:01,749
But why I bit him? I have no idea.
136
00:08:01,750 --> 00:08:04,416
He was in the doghouse, I guess. Wait.
137
00:08:06,208 --> 00:08:07,041
No.
138
00:08:08,750 --> 00:08:11,500
I can smell fear. Dog in trouble!
139
00:08:14,333 --> 00:08:17,124
Woof-woof! Help!
140
00:08:17,125 --> 00:08:19,540
Bad people have tied me here to die,
141
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:22,749
and I am actually dying of boredom!
142
00:08:22,750 --> 00:08:24,582
Shut up, Domino!
143
00:08:24,583 --> 00:08:26,999
We tied you 20 seconds ago.
144
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,832
Besides, dogs don't talk
unless they're cursed.
145
00:08:29,833 --> 00:08:32,583
- Can I at least get a cell then?
- No.
146
00:08:33,166 --> 00:08:34,665
- What about a phone?
- No!
147
00:08:34,666 --> 00:08:36,500
What about some food?
148
00:08:37,291 --> 00:08:40,000
Fine, I get it. Woof-woof, doggone it!
149
00:08:40,875 --> 00:08:43,499
Didn't I tell you?
There he is! Tied to a tree.
150
00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:45,750
Poor thing. Are you okay, my friend?
151
00:08:49,333 --> 00:08:51,040
Fuck, these bushes.
152
00:08:51,041 --> 00:08:52,665
Jesus, what an eyesore.
153
00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:55,332
Come on, smell my butt.
Where are your manners?
154
00:08:55,333 --> 00:08:57,499
Isn't "good morning" enough?
155
00:08:57,500 --> 00:09:00,457
He can talk! So the poor thing's cursed.
156
00:09:00,458 --> 00:09:01,749
You bit him, huh?
157
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:04,415
Don't worry, we're gonna wander together,
158
00:09:04,416 --> 00:09:06,624
piss on walls, chase bikes.
159
00:09:06,625 --> 00:09:10,082
And the demons will kill.
Right, where's your demon?
160
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:13,832
If he tried to bite me,
he would be hung on that tree,
161
00:09:13,833 --> 00:09:15,040
not tied to it.
162
00:09:15,041 --> 00:09:17,082
And not by a leg but by balls.
163
00:09:17,083 --> 00:09:20,082
You scoundrel. That's why I smell booze!
164
00:09:20,083 --> 00:09:22,375
And dogs don't like it!
165
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,915
Hey, Burek, I do the tearing!
166
00:09:28,916 --> 00:09:31,666
Or fine, let's see. Get him.
167
00:09:34,958 --> 00:09:36,665
You're dead.
168
00:09:36,666 --> 00:09:39,625
Adaś, give me a pocketknife.
169
00:09:41,333 --> 00:09:43,082
Where's the ball?
170
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,915
Oh no, not this again.
171
00:09:44,916 --> 00:09:47,957
- Should I kill him?
- Are you nuts? He has a ball.
172
00:09:47,958 --> 00:09:49,874
He has power over me.
173
00:09:49,875 --> 00:09:53,166
Even if he pretends to throw it,
I'll run like a moron.
174
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,124
See? I told you.
175
00:09:58,125 --> 00:10:01,707
The only thing worse than a ball is food.
Like chips for example.
176
00:10:01,708 --> 00:10:03,415
Oh no!
177
00:10:03,416 --> 00:10:06,250
Gimme one. Gimme!
Come on, don't be like that.
178
00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:10,125
Good boy. Want a chip? Come on.
179
00:10:11,583 --> 00:10:13,290
What's going on?
180
00:10:13,291 --> 00:10:14,415
Burek, heel!
181
00:10:14,416 --> 00:10:17,915
I can't, Adaś! It's stronger than me.
182
00:10:17,916 --> 00:10:22,250
Cursed or not,
the dog is primarily a beggar.
183
00:10:27,125 --> 00:10:29,249
I know what you're up to.
184
00:10:29,250 --> 00:10:30,832
But know this, asshole.
185
00:10:30,833 --> 00:10:36,790
A cursed dog is immortal
as long as it is cursed.
186
00:10:36,791 --> 00:10:39,916
He won't die
even if he gets hit by a truck.
187
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,750
Here, doggy. Enjoy.
188
00:10:43,333 --> 00:10:45,332
Burek? What are you doing?
189
00:10:45,333 --> 00:10:48,250
God forbid you go near the cross.
190
00:10:50,791 --> 00:10:54,082
Oh no! The curse is getting weaker!
191
00:10:54,083 --> 00:10:57,415
Stupid dickheads, what have you done?
192
00:10:57,416 --> 00:10:59,582
It was so awesome!
193
00:10:59,583 --> 00:11:03,333
Really, mortals, doggone--
194
00:11:03,833 --> 00:11:05,957
Shit, it's 9.45 p.m.
195
00:11:05,958 --> 00:11:09,790
They close the open bar in two hours,
and I am completely sober!
196
00:11:09,791 --> 00:11:12,875
Follow me to the bar!
197
00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:17,749
I don't get it.
198
00:11:17,750 --> 00:11:19,540
I really don't.
199
00:11:19,541 --> 00:11:22,582
I gave him so many treats, threw the ball,
200
00:11:22,583 --> 00:11:25,790
played with sticks, and he still bit me.
201
00:11:25,791 --> 00:11:27,415
Good thing you didn't curse him.
202
00:11:27,416 --> 00:11:30,666
Well, I felt a little sorry for him
when you shot him.
203
00:11:31,166 --> 00:11:33,166
Wait, where's Domino?
204
00:11:40,666 --> 00:11:43,583
Well, I have to free myself somehow.
205
00:11:46,375 --> 00:11:47,791
Goodbye, leg.
206
00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:49,207
{\an8}THE END
207
00:11:49,208 --> 00:11:51,124
{\an8}Exorcist for less than three hundred
208
00:11:51,125 --> 00:11:54,457
{\an8}Actually, for two hundred
More if you want an invoice
209
00:11:54,458 --> 00:11:57,332
{\an8}Watch out, Beelzebutt
He will kick your butt
210
00:11:57,333 --> 00:12:00,625
{\an8}Watch out, Buttcifer
He will get you in his sights
15934
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