Original subtitles

BAD EXORCIST

CATECHISM 2ND GRADE

THE BEAST OF THE APOCALYPSE

Well, in I go.

It's cool that Domino's back.

Maybe in an uncool way, but it's good to have him back, right?

That's so fucked up!

Nothing will surprise me today.

And yet...

Okay, get in. No time to explain.

I'll explain on the way!

Don't even remind me.

I'd never go in there,

and Domino paid me a ten spot to do it for me.

Oh, so your daily pay is covered.

Shut up and get the bucket.

It's about to go down.

Amol, Portos,

the demon's caca!

Cacademon, show yourself!

Who dares interrupt my meal?

Leave this place, evil force.

You've defiled these walls with your presence.

Which walls?

The inner walls, maybe. Can't you feel how soft it is under your feet?

The floor of the pool is unpaved.

It's just sand!

It all goes into the groundwater.

During this conversation, the level dropped two centimeters.

And I'm the bad one?

Why don't you hate on the owner?

But enough about me!

You picked the wrong cesspool, lover.

Hands up! I'm gonna search you.

Open your mouth.

Don't try to bite me. Remember I have a gun.

Tongue up.

What's that?

Gum?

That's okay.

- Oh no, ass now? - Ass disgusts me.

Marcinek, now!

- He's furious! - He'll calm down soon.

Hallelujah!

And done.

What? Unpaved, huh?

The walls were fine.

And you can't see the floor anyway.

It's a real pain these days.

And all of it from Poland.

In Western Europe, these problems ended with the invention of the sewage systems.

Well, let's take care of this rascal.

Dear friends, let me out of this bucket.

I'm having a heart attack. Jesus, my back hurts!

Call 911.

You can use my phone.

I won't fall for that.

La merda fa schifo!

It's dead.

Okay. See you next time.

Boner, do you think I let you in here out of turn

just to put a jar of shit on my desk?

For nearly 2,000 zlotys?

And play.

Holy Father, did we come here out of turn

to watch the Turkish Witcher without dubbing?

Oh, sorry, wrong tape.

I don't think it's this one either.

It is.

Ah, like Pacino.

Relax, those were blanks.

Wait, did he steal what I think he stole?

No, we keep pornography locked up.

Besides, I know nothing about that.

Then what was on that disk?

The Vatican's nuclear codes.

I'm invincible!

I will destroy the humans once and for all!

What? Oh right, the prize.

The promised $1 million.

Where is it?

I've got it here somewhere.

Got it.

This ninja sucks dick. The movie ones are better.

Kuba!

On command, Your Motherfuckerness.

Launch the Vatican's nuclear weapons.

Target, the Baltic Sea.

Target, the Baltic Sea.

The computer is asking for a code.

That port's broken.

No, that one's broken.

You just have to wait because the computer's slow.

There. 21... 73.

What? Weird.

Enter.

It has begun.

Yeah! Who can't make it? I'll be in Sweden in a minute.

Too bad I gave them my beer to hold though.

I could use it now.

Finally! The curse has been lifted!

Fuck, what kind of idiot put us underwater

when we have the body of a land animal.

Right, couldn't he have made us a stingray?

What?

A stingray!

Gieniu, swim to the surface, I can barely hear him.

A stingray!

We would've died right away, you moron.

- Stingrays don't live in the Baltic Sea. - But the lions fucking do.

And don't call me a moron, or I'll break your face.

Only one of us controls this body, moron.

And it's not you, moron!

Oh yeah? Gieniu, smack him.

Everybody shut up and let me swim.

You're going on about stingrays and schmingrays,

and he's snoring in my ear.

I need to focus.

Oh come on, who wants to shit?

How do we know the beast will come out on our side?

First, Sweden has a navy.

And we don't? What about ORP Błyskawica?

Good thinking!

Follow me! To Mrzeżyno!

- You mean Gdynia? - Whatever!

It won't work. The battery's already dying.

It will. Come on, baby.

My van started, and you won't?

What's this?

Domino, you'll break--

It started. Okay.

Let's put it in reverse and take it slow.

Fuck, how did this Dar of Pomerania park?

It's blocking the way.

He's there.

Get the torpedoes ready!

Boss, it really is a museum. There is no armament.

But there is a gift shop and a restaurant.

Unfortunately, it's closed at this time.

Shit. Well, let's go back for the pitchforks then.

You know ski jumping like Probierz knows soccer.

Of course it's Małysz.

And who won the Olympic gold?

Well, who?

- Stoch. - Schmoch.

And the Willingen hill record?

Fuck, what's he doing?

You! Stop!

Buddy, stop, or you'll run me over!

He has the whole sea, and he must come this way.

Retreat!

Shit, I hope he didn't damage the hull.

And that's it? It's over?

Remember, this monster was invented a long time ago.

Back then, people had spears.

Today, an ordinary forester would've dealt with him.

And we are on a destroyer, after all.

The name speaks for itself.

Phew, out of fuel.

Good because we would've sailed to Sweden.

And they have a navy.

Hello.

Welcome to ORP Błyskawica restaurant.

Our meals are like our ship. Lightning fast.

Soup? Just add water. It doesn't even have to boil.

THE END

Exorcist for less than three hundred

Actually, for two hundred More if you want an invoice

Watch out, Beelzebutt He will kick your butt

Watch out, Buttcifer He will get you in his sights