Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language,

adult humour and scenes some may find distressing

Big squash for my lady! Are you all right?

Your eyes have gone all small, like a snake. I'm grand.

OK.

Podcast about cults or sad songs by sad women?

Sad songs, please.

MUSIC: Baby by Kelli Blanchett

MAGGIE SIGHS

You look adorable.

Have you been drinking milk again? Your skin's gone to shit.

Mm. I know it soothes you to criticise, so you go for it, mama.

I've got some acidy stuff in the bathroom.

I think you need some acidy stuff. Oh, my God... Am I on Queer Eye?

Just saying. Thank you.

OK. So, first pill on...

Tuesday. Tuesday.

I have it written down at the, um...

MAGGIE CHUCKLES Clinic, grandad...clinic!

Um, I will meet you there.

And then second pill on Wednesday, at home.

Then the messy bit... I will get the post-aborsh essentials in.

Pringles, gummies, the paints. Paints?

You might want to paint? I won't. Mm.

THEY SIGH

Are you leaving?

No. No, I'll stay till you fall asleep.

MUSIC BECOMES DISTORTED

# Look up...

# You didn't think you'd live this long

# Be as one Hold on... #

What am I, Sabrina the fucking Teenage Witch now?

# For as long as you think you can

# Be very careful out there

# Stop trying to have so many friends... #

WHISPERING: What the fuck?

Look. I am taking my meds.

I am drinking 2.5 litres of water a day,

even though water makes me too aware of the flavour of my own mouth.

And I'm even doing therapy.

Albeit by an app, potentially with an AI bot.

So, for the tenth time this week, I ask you -

why are you here?!

Huh!

Nice try.

But I'm stronger than you. For one thing, I'm real.

But we love blood.

Well, I love sanity.

We can't always get what we want.

That's potential.

Good luck getting that blood you speak of.

Ow! Oh, my God, Dave! You're covered in knives!

# For as long as you think you can...

# Be very careful out there Stop trying to have so many... #

MAGGIE GASPS MUFFLED:There's this new American reality show I really wanna watch.

It follows women who married serial killers...

LOUDER: ..through their daily lives.

Like, Real Housewives of Mass Murder.

Apparently, Ted Bundy's widow is wild.

What are you doing here, anyway?

Thought I wasn't seeing you till tomorrow.

Uh, I... I need a coffee.

The appointment's at 11, OK?

If you're late, I will not share my painkillers with you.

I'm gonna take the rest of the day off if you wanna hang.

You know, celebrate my final day of being with child.

Right, erm... No, I can't.

I...promised Coco I'd go visit.

Do you remember Coco? I was on the ward with them.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I get it. Of course.

I think I'm getting sympathy pregnant.

My stomach is fucked. Do you have any Imodium?

Did you eat melted cheese?

Maybe. I wouldn't know.

QUIETLY: Aw.

I'm fine. I'm just...just gonna miss it here.

Course you will.

We should do something... with the money.

Not something stupid, like Jay. Like, we should go somewhere.

IKEA!

No, we should, like, fuck off out of here.

Somewhere sunny where you can write and I can just be sad and sexy.

OK, I love that.

We could go to LA.

Yes! We could be Poundland Kardashians!

We could drive around in a big car and talk about gratitude. Ooh!

OK. Better go.

Coco lives in the arse end of nowhere, and I have to shower first.

But get an Airbnb. Find us a Kardashian house. Be the Kris.

When am I not the Kris?

# You didn't think you'd live this long

# Be as one... SHE BREATHS DEEPLY

# Hold on... SHE SIGHS

# Steady stand

# For as long as... #

PHONE VIBRATES

We literally just discussed this.

SHE SIGHS

KNOCKING

DOOR OPENS There you are!Hey, Coco.

It took you bloody long enough.

I'm gonna have to work and chat, I'm afraid.

I had a cool-girl hen do place a massive order last week.

You look weird. Mm! It's really the warmth and compassion I come here for.

Mm, what did you come here for?

I need help with a play I'm writing.

You can't put me in it. I'll sue you.

You can't be in it, Coco. It's a fictional play.

But there is a character with schizophrenia.

Are they a serial killer? No!

Because I swear to God, if they're a serial killer...

I am mentally ill too, Coco. Why would I do that?

Yes, but not in as cool a way as me.

Oh, hang on. I'll get Mum in here. She...

Linda! Linda! Can you come here?!

Oh, Jesus. Bring the biscuits!

Look it's... Mum will just remember this stuff better than me.

I mean, she's not crazy. Also, she knows loads about this stuff.

I mean, she bloody loves mental illness.

She loves mental illness? Well, she won't stop banging on about it.

Oreos for the screamer? Mm!

Mum, Maggie wants to exploit

my debilitating illness for artistic gain,

and so I'm gonna need some help recalling my trauma.

Mm! I am writing a fictional play,

where there is a character with schizophrenia

and I just had a couple of questions. Nothing, like, intrusive.

They're not a serial killer, are they?

No!

So, this character, she starts seeing things,

things that aren't there, and she starts to think,

"Oh, maybe I've got schizophrenia."

OK, no. Straight away, this is bollocks.

What do you mean? Well, nobody with schizophrenia would ever think

that they had schizophrenia.

Hang on, love. That is your experience. Everyone is different.

Well, I never thought there was anything wrong with me.

I thought the things that I was seeing and hearing were real.

Also, and write this down,

I am nonviolent. Never even swatted a fly.

One thing I will say is

hallucinations aren't exclusive to schizophrenia.

I told you. She fucking loves it.

Well, it's very interesting what the mind does to itself!

And it differs so much person-to-person.

That character might be better off going to see a psychiatrist.

OK. Right.

What else?

No, I think that's it.

What? I have way more trauma to dump.

Oh. Well, if I have any more questions, I can always come back.

I'm guessing the bulk of your research

has come from A Beautiful Mind.

Uh, put some respect on John Nash's name! He did a lot for you people.

Huh!

CHILDREN GIGGLE

She's got zero sense of direction. It's pathetic.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

G'day!

Yes, it's me!

Dr John Cade himself.

Please, no curtsies.

Do you have a phone I can borrow?

No, I don't.

I'm a hallucinated doctor from the past.

Fuck!

I'm actually feeling a bit nervy.

I don't wanna go all sweaty

and bleedy like Penny from Dirty Dancing.

Anyway, I'm just checking you're awake.

We've got to be at Girlborsh in two hours.

Blech! Ugh!

This is a boar, right?

I'm gonna say it's a boar. CAMERA CLICKS

Taxidermy's so gross,

unless it's by my godfather...

..Damien Hirst!

Oh, man!

Dad and me went to this junk sale held by this old East End gangster,

and I begged him to get this for me. What are you doing?

Just putting shit on eBay. CAMERA CLICKS THREE TIMES

Are you finally doing the reno?

My mate Carlos is this super-tight concrete artist.

I'll get you his number!

No. Did I not tell you?

We sold the bar.

QUIETLY: What?

Yeah. Yeah, we're closing. Oh, but don't worry.

My friend Dean needs someone shallow and inefficient

to work at his new vegan mezcal bar.

I told him I had the perfect candidate...

What are you doing?

And this is how you tell me? I'm sorry.

I... I had no idea you'd give a shit.

This bar... It's like my home, you know?

HE WHIMPERS No, this bar is like my home.

You spent the whole night outside like a farm animal.

Would anyone like to hear the story about how

I discovered lithium as a psychiatric treatment?

No. No.

It all started when I began taking piss

from the nutters in the nutter ward,

and injecting it into guinea pigs.

I hate him. Why's he here? He's creepy.

Uh, pot kettle black, guys.

Where are you going?

To find the station. Eddie needs me today.

For a pinball machine?

Eddie...

..I need to come clean about something.

OK. Make it quick. I've got an appointment to get to.

My name isn't Klent.

What? You got it wrong when we met,

and my mother told me that the key to a good interview is

to blindly agree with everything, so I... Oh, OK!

No, I... I did think it was weird. I know. Right? Klent!

It's not a name!

Ah. Phew. So, what is your name?

It's Krent.

WHISPERING: I need to get to Eddie. I need to get to Eddie.

Oh, thank fuck!

This is really dangerous.

Yeah, come on. This is basic personal safety stuff.

He looks weird.

He looks fine!

MUSIC: Night On Bald Mountain by Mussorgsky

I'm Maggie, by the way.

Maggie Donovan.

You say your name now.

It's Leon.

Where do you want me to take you? Take me?!

I-I... I need to go to the...

..you know, the...the choo-choo! The...

Thomas The Tank Engine's house.

Train station. The train station! That is the one. Sorry!

My brain has been wrecked lately. Just totally loco.

The lithium was a happy accident, really.

I was just using it cos I had some lying around,

I should explain.

I'd injected the guinea pigs with that piss... Tell him to shut up.

Shut up!

Shut up! I love this song.

VOLUME INCREASES

The guinea pigs loved the lithium, so I just thought,

"OK! Time to try it on humans."

That's psychiatry, baby.

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

PHONE VIBRATES

PHONE VIBRATES

No-one would hear you scream here, huh?

The most impressive thing about my discovery,

is that it's impossible for a bipolar patient to become suicidal,

as long as their lithium levels stay within the correct range.

Well, that's bullshit.

She'll be here in a minute.

All we need to do is the scan and the first pill.

Get off my dick, Kaz! Noted.

We could totally do it tomorrow, or...

No, no, no. I need this done today.

It's just, we're having to close early today

due to repeated staff death threats.

Fine, fine. No bestie for Eddie.

Well, we're all besties here... No! Oh.

WHISPERING: One, two, three.

Argh! What are you doing?!

Stop the car! No! I will not go quietly.

You will have to bleach my blood off your skin.

I will bite off anything that dangles!

Please, don't hurt me! No, you don't hurt me!

What?!Just stop the car!Argh! HORN HONKS

TYRES SKID

Please, I have a family. I have got ferrets!

What are you talking about?! You're the creepy one!

You were talking to yourself! What did I do that was creepy?!

Well, it was just...

I mean, you look creepy!

Oh. Oh. Well, explain this fucking murder lane we're on, then!

This is the way to the station.

I just wanted to do a good deed.

My mum died last month and I've been feeling a bit disconnected

from the world, and I thought you were one of those runaway teens

you see on the news.

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

I am so sorry, but I really need to go.

Hi. Sorry, is it just straight ahead, or...?

Yeah, it's just straight down on the right. OK, cheers.

Oh.

No!

Oh, my God. Eddie!

Fuck.

Excuse me, um, is there an abortion...shop around here?

Hi. Hello. I'm here... I'm... I'm here for Eddie Rushton.

I'm late, I think. Um, I think I'm late.

Hey, girly! Are you here to exercise your rights?

No, uh... Eddie Rushton? Erm, she's booked in for, erm...

..one of those...

like, a-a-a womb...sweep.

Is she still here? I...

Eddie... Eddie was in yesterday.

No.

Um, no. It might...it might be down under Theodora?

Uh, yeah! See?

Her appointment was Tuesday at 11.

That's yesterday. No. That's not, um...

If you have any issues, just give us a call.

I can't believe she didn't show up. I know.

Who the fuck flakes out on their best friend's abortion?

# Look up

# Lean back

# Be strong

# You didn't think you'd live this long

# Be as one

# Hold on

# Steady stand

MUSIC BECOMES DISTORTED # For as long as you think you can... #

CHILDREN GIGGLE

PHONE VIBRATES

# It's like when I go to your birthday

# Drinks to congratulate you being the age I already thought you were... #

We literally just discussed this.

# I don't know

# It's a miracle I've remembered at all... #

Huh! # When I'm buried in the ground

# I won't be able to make your birthday drinks

# But I will still feel guilty

# You see, when the air warms up like this

# It brings every single memory of you back and it makes me so sick... #

Maggie...

..are you OK?

Yeah.

I just have to go to the...

Sorry. I keep having this weird thing lately, erm...

..not all the time, but where I can't find the...

I can't think of the...

Word? Yeah.

You're on lithium, aren't you? Oh, yeah. And proud.

Have you had your levels done recently?

Um... If there's something wrong with your levels,

if they're too high or too low, that can cause problems.

But I've been taking my medication, I've been taking the right amount...

I know, love, it wouldn't be your fault.

Why don't you come back in?

I can take you down to Urgent Care...

No, no, erm... I'm OK, sorry, but I'm fine.

As much as I would love to spend my Monday evening in

a hospital waiting room, I would, but I have to get back.

It's Tuesday!

So, Murder Wives is not on any of the streamers,

but I found a pirate link, because I'm a bad boy.

Thank you. For everything, the last two days.

Yeah, well...

I love you, Eddie.

OK. Here.

I think you need those more than me, you fanny.

OK, well, I know you're feeling better if you're cracking out

the old school misogyny.

She is just ignoring me. She's read my messages.

Why hasn't she replied?

You need to stop worrying about Maggie.

Because if we're real, she's not worried about you.

Ouch.

Yeah. Sorry.

No... No, you're right.

DOORBELL RINGS Oh, that's the pinball guy.

I'll go. It's fine. The codeine is codeining.

I can't wait to mix it with wine on the flight.

What do you want?

I'm here for my pinball machine.

Klent said you were going away.

I thought you could use some extra spending money.

I can look after it for you, for when you come back.

IF you come back.

You can keep it in your bunker.

Eddie!

EDDIE!

Eddie, it's me, please!

TEARFULLY: Eddie, I know I'm a... I'm...

POUNDING

..I'm the worst.

I'm the worst, just please, please let me in! Please!

Please, please, please, please! PLEA...!

Look, I know... I know, I just...

She's gone, Maggie.

What?

She's left.

No. She wouldn't leave without...

Well, she has. She doesn't need your permission.

I've got to go back inside.

No, Will, it's...

I think there's something's wrong with my brain.

Then get some help, Maggie.

DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS

GATE SQUEAKS, CLANKS

# Look up Lean back

# Be strong

# You didn't think you'd live this long

# Be as one Hold on

# Steady stand For as long as you think you can

# You're beautiful and I want the best for you

# But I also hope you fail without me

# It was really rather miserable trying to love you... #

Eddie!

# ..I'll take care I'll read again

# I'll sing again I will... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media