Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language, adult humour

and scenes some may find distressing.

Nothing says you're in you early 30s like having to worry about

how many dads you've sucked off at a child's birthday party.

Is everything all right over here?

Yeah. Yeah.

Right, well, congratulations on being the most boring people

at this boring people convention.

So, that, erm... that new, erm, reality show,

where the... the hot... the hot girl has to figure out which hot old man

is her biological father starts tonight.

So, if you wanna come round...

I have to work.

Well, come after.

Maggie, I meant what I said.

I need some space.

You know Jonah was my last chance to save the bar, right?

And you ruined it?

Uh...

Oh, OK. Cool apology.

PHONE BUZZES I need to answer this.

Where are you going?

I just... It's cake time.

I'm trying to hurry this up, so I can get these little freaks

out of my garden. CHILD SCREAMS

Ah! This is why we enrolled Mercury in Buddhist meditation training

from day one. He hasn't screamed once, not since birth.

Can I...? Hurry up!

Hello?

PHONE: Theodora Rushton? Uh... Speaking.

This is Amanda from the London Pregnancy Advice Centre.

TRICKLING Is now a good time to talk?

Oh, yeah, all good.

So, I can see here you're in need of an abortion.

We can actually provide the pills necessary for this via post.

We just need the date of your last period.

Cool.

So, what was the date of your last period?

Uh, right. Erm, can I give you an estimate?

No.

OK. Then I do not know.

Sorry, but, like... nobody knows that stuff.

Most people use period tracking apps.

And give the government my period data? No, thanks.

Right, well, in that case, we'll need you to come in

for a scan first.

Fine.

The next available scan in London is...

..in a month. What?

No, I... I can't wait a month.

I threw up on the tube this morning, and a bit went in a woman's bag,

and I didn't even tell her. Erm...

Yesterday I cried went I saw a banana lying alone on a table.

Prior to that, I hadn't cried in eight years.

I'm sorry. I could get you into a clinic in Carlisle next week,

if you know anyone in Carlisle?

Is that a country?

Otherwise, you could always go private, if you can afford that.

They can do the scan and pills on the same day.

Fine.

Well, thanks for nothing, I guess.

No offence.

CHEERILY: I've heard worse.

SHE SIGHS

SHE RETCHES

Fuck it.

DOOR OPENS

Hi. Hi, erm...

Just wondering if you have any appointments for today?

Hey, girlie.

You here to exercise your rights?

Uh... I'm sorry?

I'm Kaz. I'm a Girlborsh Consultant.

You're a doctor? Ha-ha!

No. Not at all, no.

My degree's in media.

Hey, girlie, you here to exercise your...? You said that bit.

Sorry, it's my first week.

Erm...

I'm here to take you from... preggo to fabbo.

Here at Girlborsh, we celebrate your right to choose.

Can I get you a virgin mojito?

No, I'm in a bit of a rush, so if we could just... Totally, totally.

You gotta hustle.

You gotta slay! You gotta... you gotta work.

So, you're here to have for a medical aborsh?

A medical abortion, yes.

But, erm, apparently I need the scan thingy too,

cos I don't know when my last period was. Oh, been there.

I haven't been there. I'm not... I don't have them.

Erm...

Yes, we'll get that scan done for you today, and then we just,

you know, take it from there.

Do you have a borsh buddy with you?

Sorry?

We encourage our patients to bring a bestie and make a day of it.

You could grab a cocktail afterwards.

Depending on whether you have an adverse reaction to the first pill, or not.

Can that happen?

Are you interested in our Rad Pad bundle?

Erm, it's £50 extra.

But you get 20 of our famously comfy Girlborsh pads.

They're specially designed to soak up all the, erm...

..stuff.

Uh, no, just do the basic package for me, I think.

And no bestie? No bestie.

Well, before we go any further, I will need to take payment.

Which comes to £799.

Do you take Klarna?

No.

I don't have £800 in my bank account.

Nobody does. That would be mental.

But I can get the money. I can get...

..800 measly pounds.

Maybe I can't save my bar!

But I can get 800! And I will!

Yeah? You just watch me!

Hey, do you have any Bepanthen?

What?

Or coconut oil? Or something distinctly super dry?

What the...?

Where's all the cash?

Uh, we're cashless, Eddie. Jay set it up the other week.

Seriously, some coconut oil, please?

I had no idea you were religious, Klent. Ew, I'm not.

Why have you got prayer hands tattooed on your neck then?

Eddie, this is the clapping emoji. Look.

OK, I don't have time for this.

There's Vaseline in the lost and found.

Oh...

Why does everything cost money?

And why don't we have cheat codes like in The Sims?

Oh, do you think this is worth anything?

No. My mother would laugh you out of her antique dealership.

You know, prayer isn't just for the religious.

That tattoo artist lied to me.

Sure, mate.

You called? Well, you texted.

Hey, buddy! My lil pal!

My sunshine man!

Oh, wow! Hi!

we haven't shared a hug since our GSCE results day.

Not that I'm tracking hugs...

Thank you for coming down. No, it's fine.

My boss is literally always like, "Get a life, Will,"

so he didn't mind.

So, I have a favour to ask...

Yeah, anything. Long as it doesn't involve the word "Jonah."

Uh...

The beer fridge, uh, it's making that buzzing sound again.

Not again! That rascal.

EDDIE GROANS

SHE RETCHES

SHE COUGHS

What are these?

Oh, your brother was in earlier.

He was wearing the most beautifully cut suit...

Fast forward to the info. He had some contract he wanted you to sign,

and he said to call him. Or maybe it was crawl him?

I couldn't really hear over my cranial massager.

The flyers! Oh, my God, I'm getting to it.

They're something to do with your mum.

READING: Join us for the launch of Necks By Clara

at an independent designer showcase.

Oh, God, her weird scarf thing.

What weird scarf thing?

My mum's started a range of designer skinny scarves.

She makes them out of...

..wider scarves.

She's sent me several deranged texts about it.

Hmm, I wonder who's paying for that.

Mm, probably the usual.

Some old prick with too much...

..money.

So, you're really gonna sell the bar?

Not necessarily.

CLUB MUSIC PLAYS

OK, just to thin the herd a bit.

If you're currently under police investigation for sexual assault

of any kind, just please count yourself out.

Time to channel Mummy.

I hate materialism. I don't even have a smartphone.

Next.

I love refugees.

No.

I just think women are so brave.

None of us will ever be truly happy until we defeat capitalism.

Get the fuck out of here.

Ugh!

Fuck.

You have a rescue dog?

Get outta here.

What has happened to these people?

Finally.

Clive?

No. Clyde.

It's short for Archibald.

And what is it you do, Clyde?

I'm an entrepreneur.

I happen to own a business nearby,

and thought it might be good for company morale to bring my employees

out for a couple of magnums.

OK. And, uh, one more question -

and, honestly, I can work with a yes or no on this -

are you married?

Not at present.

Eddie, I'm a romantic at heart.

I have gone on the adventure of matrimony with five beautiful

but ultimately disappointing women, and now...

..I'm looking for a sixth.

Uno mas.

I just thought it was deeply unfair that people blamed me

for being on those flight logs.

I mean, it was a business trip!

I barely even knew Jeffrey.

Oh, haters gonna hate. Exactly.

Ah, I'd better get back to my employees. Oh.

Come with me.

I'll make them feel valued for five minutes,

then we can go for dinner at my club.

Yeah, let's do that! Yeah!

Everyone, this is Ellie. Oh, it's...

Yeah, no, it's fine. Hi, erm, I'm Ellie.

Nice to meet...

You've got to be fucking kidding me!

I mean, God forbid, for once in my life I try the easy way out, right?

God forbid, I try to rely on my perfect face and arse for once!

But no! No, no, no!

I'll just keep doing things the hard way.

As you were.

Good luck with the Epstein stuff.

And I'll see YOU next week!

See... see you next week.

You look weird.

Have you been at a new money wedding?

Do I look like I'm in the mood, Klent?

EDDIE SIGHS

Ew! Eddie, that is so unhygienic!

DOOR OPENS

Do you need a hand?

No, thank you. I can manage.

I beg to differ.

What do you want, Maggie?

Oh, I'm just, erm...

When I said I needed some time apart,

I meant more than a couple of days.

Ouch.

Can you go away?!

You're always asking me to leave, and then you're so pissed off

when I'm. like, 40 minutes late.

Pick a thing!

I, erm...

I thought I-I-I... I left my copy of, erm, The Da Vinci Code here,

like, erm, pft...

like, six years ago, and I just, erm...

Oh, I just... I just really wanted to read it, so...

I haven't seen it.

Oh.

That's weird...

Well, erm...

If it turns up... Yep.

DOOR SHUTS

PHONE BUZZES

I might actually hang myself with a skinny scarf.

Weenie!

Gosh!

I didn't know you were coming. You didn't reply to any of my messages.

Aren't you tricky?

Hi, Mum.

So, what do you think of my creations?

Yeah, they're really...

..scarves.

Thank you, darling.

Look, I have, erm, a favour to ask.

I need to borrow some money.

Weenie...

That's so horribly forthright.

Jay told me you were selling your little bar.

Why on earth would you need money?

Oh, so you know about that, then? Thanks for checking up on me.

Darling, I have been exceptionally busy.

Now, listen, do you have much high-end retail experience?

Erm...

It's just that I need to go with the flow, and talk to the press,

that kind of thing. So, if you could just man the stall?

We could talk about that favour later.

Yeah, I'd love to.

Erm, but why are they £100?

Well, they're skinnier than you'll find with your usual

high street skinny scarves.

Forget it.

Nice of you to show up.

I've been at this pathetic craft fair for an hour already.

Well, I had to pick up my mate, Leanne, from Streatham.

Mum asked me to bring a celebrity, so Leanne's gonna pretend

she was on the last series of Love Island.

Oh!

I've also brought the contract with me. Can you back off?!

I... I need a minute.

TOILET FLUSHES

Oh!

Oh, Christ, Weenie!

You could have declared yourself, or something.

You're always so spooky.

Sorry.

Well, in you go, then, darling.

I CAN listen to you wee. I did give birth to you.

Yeah. And, erm...

As compensation for that regrettable error,

can we talk about me borrowing some money?

CLARA SIGHS

Well, how much do you need?

800 quid.

Actually, Mum...

I don't wanna sell the bar.

And I know it's a lot.

And we haven't always been close, we've had our differences.

But I thought maybe that you could... Oh, Weenie.

I hope you're not about to ask what I think you're about to ask.

I'm a new business owner. I mean, I'm practically destitute.

You own a townhouse in Primrose Hill.

That I inherited when my parents died, Weenie.

Thank you so much for the reminder.

Do you want me to hurl myself into the streets

so you can keep your bar?

DAD'S bar. Yes.

Oh, Weenie.

That place was an albatross around your father's neck,

and to be quite frank, lead directly to our divorce.

Oh, the bar caused the divorce, did it?

Not your affair with Jamie Theakston?

Alleged affair with Jamie Theakston!

Clara, you owe me!

I owe you what?

A lifetime's worth of giving a shit!

Why are you doing this on my big day?!

Jesus... I-I don't even know why I even asked.

Shows how desperate I am.

Well, you can forget about that 800 quid!

You ungrateful little...!

THIS is what I think of your scarves.

EDDIE RETCHES LOUDLY

Oh, my...!

I mean, any normal scarf would be at least twice this thick.

So, I heard there was a major skinny scarf launch here today,

and I couldn't miss it.

Because Clara told me I couldn't, so...

You OK?

CLARA CLINKS GLASS

Where did she get champagne?

I always knew I was destined for great things.

I mean, I've already achieved so much.

I don't like to mention it, but I was signed to Storm

before Kate Moss was even a twinkle in their eye,

and some still say I was the better model.

Oh, and, of course, I was once engaged to Mick Jagger...

..'s manager.

I'll sign if you PayPal me £800 right now.

But my real achievement...

Make it 900. I'll need a Deliveroo.

..has been my gorgeous children!

Who are here today.

You know, people are always assuming Theodora's my sister.

I mean, isn't that... isn't that funny?

CLARA GIGGLES MANICALLY

There, done. No more bar.

Look, Eddie... But I've always been a real entrepreneur at heart,

something I'm so pleased to see reflected...

..in both Theodora and JAY-NUS.

JAY SIGHS

You see, they inherited this funny little bar from their father,

and Weenie has, sweetly, kept it going for a few years.

Hmm.

But I am so proud to hear...

..they've sold it to a developer, who's gonna knock it all down

and turn it in to some gorgeous luxury flats.

Isn't that fabulous?

What?! Yeah, I was gonna tell you...

Luxury shitting flats?!

Eddie, please! Not at the independent designer showcase!

It is a fucking craft fair, Clara!

Jesus. Eddie, come on.

Get the fuck off me, Jay!

Eddie?

Eddie, come... Can we...?

Tear up that contract! No.

What do you mean, no? Oh, come on, Eddie!

What have you actually done to keep the bar?

Have you even applied for a business loan? A mortgage?

Face it, you want that bar sold as much as I do.

Bullshit!

It was never your dream! It was Dad's!

You were gonna be a fancy lawyer who lived in a mansion in California.

That wasn't real. I was just obsessed with The OC.

OK, but the point is - your world was so big.

And then Dad died, and...

..it shrunk.

Oh, but you've processed Dad's death really well!

How's the apocalypse bunker going?

Got enough baked beans in there yet?!

All right, fine. OK, I'll say it if you say it.

I'm a bit fucked up.

Now you go.

No?

You know, you have the worst case of martyr syndrome

that I have ever seen.

When are you gonna start living for you?

You're being really dramatic.

Am I? And what about Maggie?

What about Maggie? Well, she needs you.

She'd fall apart without you, and THAT makes you feel good.

It's called friendship, Jay!

I'm sorry if you don't recognise it because we don't

wank onto biscuits together.

But Maggie has always - always - been there for me.

Unlike some prematurely balding dickheads I know!

All right, tell me, Eddie, what happens when you no longer

have anyone or anything to look after? What happens then?

Fuck you!

And fuck your dirty money!

What are you ripping up? I sent you the money on PayPal.

Eat shit, Jay-nus!

Oh, sick, you're here.

Hey.

Can I go home?

It's bad for my ADHD to be under-stimulated like this.

You don't have ADHD.

Uh, I do. A guy on TikTok said so.

Just go.

Yeah?

Hi. Sorry, we're having to close early and immediately because...

..the Mayor just died.

KNOCK AT DOOR

We're closed!

LOUDER KNOCKING

She made me buy these.

£290.

I got a £10 family and friend discount, so...

Come in.

You really need to cut Clara out.

Cutting my dad out was my best-ever decision.

Yeah, I'd love to, but she'd probably do something like

sue me for emotional neglect.

I hate saying sorry. I know.

But I am.

I directed all my anger about Jay and Jonah and the bog of poo I'm in

at you, and I... I shouldn't have.

It's OK.

So, this week, I've been feeling really... I know.

Lonely, abandoned.

You miss me. I'm....

I'm a fucking dick. And I...

SOBBING: I missed you.

EDDIE SOBS

SHE SNIFFLES

Oh...

I lost the bar.

I know.

I'm sorry.

And I'm fucking pregnant.

What?! Why?! Not on purpose.

I need £799 for a quick abortion.

Can you lend it to me?

Yeah... Yeah, of course, obviously.

And I need you to come with me, cos it's well weird.

And pink in there. And I can't face it on my own.

And I need you to help get rid of all the stuff in here,

and pack up my flat, and find me somewhere new to live.

I need help, Maggie.

I need you to help me. Is that OK?

ECHOING: Can you do that for me?

You're fucked, mate.

Of course I can.

CHILD'S LAUGHTER ECHOES

I'm in a really good place.