Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language, adult humour and scenes some may find distressing

What took you so long?

Sorry I, I didn't see your text,

I mean it's just gone 7am...

I don't have time for your excuses. I need you to run the bar today.

Run the bar? Why do I have to run the bar?

Look, Will, I might not like you in the traditional sense,

of, like, enjoying your presence, or whatever, but we need to unite

against our common enemy.

I don't have any enemies... Jonah.

Go on.

It's, like, Jonah knows every time Eddie is feeling vulnerable,

he just swoops in like a gross, manipulative,

Birkenstock-wearing crow and it always works.

Eddie has spent every night this week at his.

Well, if that's what she wants...

No, dummy,

we would be terrible friends if we just sat back and let this happen.

Jonah's not fucking around this time.

Before we know it they will be married and living in Peckham with

the worst toddler you have ever met.

OK. OK.

but why does that mean I have to run the bar?

Because Eddie needs to get away from Wet Mouth,

get away from London,

and get away from Jonah's greasy prayer beads.

Can you run the bar or not?

Ah, actually, er, my brother's over, from Australia,

for the first time in five years

and he just has these two days in London for us to catch up and, er...

Yeah, I'm, er, I'm sure he'd love to hang out here.

OK great.

I'll just, er, I'm, I'm...

I'll just cancel some bookings.

PHONE BUZZES

What?

We're greeting a new day together, Eddie. Stay present.

You've checked your stupid crypto app four times since we woke up.

But that's important.

I just don't feel like it's healthy for Maggie to have access to

you at all times. I mean, is that fair for her to, just,

take, take, take?

She sent me a photo of a dog eating fondue.

Well, sure, it's a dog eating fondue now,

but next it'll be, help me, Eddie, I need you, Eddie.

PHONE BUZZES

I, I just don't get why Maggie bothers you so much.

Eddie, I see a future for us.

A wedding in that Italian village the Sacklers own.

Two attractive and quiet children.

But we can't move forward if you're being held back.

Hang on, when did I agree to...

I've spoken with my money boys. Your what?

About the bar. We could own it together.

I have the capital.

I'm ready for this.

For us.

Sure, I've been a vagabond pirate on the sea of life thus far,

but I wanna drop anchor

and I wanna drop it with you.

PHONE BUZZES

But it's gonna mean us both of us making some changes.

Committing, Eddie, stepping into the future,

together.

We've fiddled with each other's heartstrings for long enough.

Eddie...

Yeah. I'll be back.

..but my gorgeous speech.

Yes, I, erm, agree. You agree?

Yeah. Commitment. Why not? I'll see you later.

What you doing?

Come on, we gotta go.

The train to Godling is in half an hour. I thought you'd be quicker.

You texted me 15 minutes ago. Wait, what train?

Will you hurry up?

Is this a manic episode? What should I do again?

Should I sit on you?

OK, this time I have to call your mum. Look I am not manic.

I am rammed full of delicious lithium.

But, but you said...

Look, Eddie, do you know what today is?

Er, the anniversary of the first time your dad called you fat?

No that's in November.

Today is Ostara.

Oh, God, your weird Sussex witch thing?

No...No. Pagan thing, do not call them witches,

Eddie, they will not like that.

No, no, no, no, no, I'm not going with you.

Eddie, Ostara is a festival of rebirth

and we disparately need rebirthing.

But? Don't worry Toad says we can stay with her

if we miss the last train. But the bar. Klent's taken off.

Will is taking care of it, Eddie, I do not have time to argue.

Do you know how expensive train tickets are?

It's like those video's of Jeremy Corbyn on the floor

made no difference at all.

Maggie, I...

Get to the yes, quicker.

Will's asking how much wine should be in a wine?

Why did you leave him in charge?

Well, it's kind of on you, for giving Klent a week off to go to

a Croatian Vaporwave Festival, whatever that is.

Now less texting, more tequila please.

I don't want to drink today.

You have too. Day drinking is the whole point of paganism.

Jonah's got me on these gut health smoothies

and they're fucking up my stomach.

Oh, nothing says love like a laxative.

They're good for my microbiome, Maggie.

All right. Oy, oy, saveloy!

Toad. Argh. How are you?

Look at this, Eddie Rushton outside of East London?

Do my eyes deceive me?

I didn't have much choice. Yay.

We could really do with some pagan magic.

Well, blessed bloody be bitches,

you're more than welcome.

Right, let's get going.

That tramp Danielle will kick off given half a chance.

Nice, shellac, dickhead.

She's in the rival drum gang.

Drum gang?

It was our idea to start a drum gang,

and when we didn't let Danielle in, cos she's a fucking snake who

literally took Big Lily's son's place at Leaping Leopards Nursery,

they started their own, The Hoppers.

They dress like slags, it's fucking inappropriate.

Why is a Pagan Festival handing out eggs?

Ostara is what the Christians nicked Easter from.

It's all about the birth of the spring and fertility and that,

then the Christians added that weird crucifix shit.

Urgh. Christ,

there's a child dressed as some kind of green demon.

That's Ostara, baby.

Lily T lost our headdresses in that hair straightener fire

she had at Christmas, so we've got to make new ones.

Finally! Hurry up, then.

Maggie you bitch, come here.

Girls, girls this is Eddie. Eddie, this is my drum gang,

The Wenches, we've got Aimee, Sacha,

Amy, Lillie, Lillian, Big Lily, er that's Vic,

we've got Lillie, wait, where's Lily?

Oh, her kids have got meningitis again or something like that.

I'll just be a sec.

No, no, you can't run away yet.

I just need to call Will.

Urgh!

I've called you twice,

is Maggie's emergency an actual emergency?

Erm define emergency.

Bloodshed?

Well, I'm going to a pagan festival in East Sussex,

so, yeah, could be a Wicker Man situation.

So you left me while I was generously sharing my vision

for our future to go to a party?

Maggie tricked me...

Eddie, I'm offering you a lot of money

to save your business so we can make a life together.

This is big girl stuff. I thought you were a big girl.

I am. Wait...

We're literally circulating the paperwork now,

prepping to sign off on the investment but

hey, you, you go have fun...

I'm not having fun.

I'm serious and focused

and I'll be at the end of the phone all day.

Any questions, anything you need, just call me,

I'll answer straight away.

All day?

Yes. All day.

I have brought you a nice dress. You can't be a grunger at Ostara.

I can't put into words how much I don't have time

for this today, Maggie.

Well, we're here now, so...

You want me to sit on the floor, making flower crowns like I'm in

Year Two when my actual real-life business needs me...

I know, but all you've done for your actual real-life business

is listen to Lana del Rey and bone Jonah.

SHE SIGHS

What the fuck?

Oh, my God is that a water bed. I've never seen one in real life before.

Oh, stop jiggling it.

Oh, my God, this is a crime against nature...

Actually, I like it. Maybe I should get one...

There's the gut health smoothie.

We also don't have to stay over.

There's a late train back.

That stupid fucker Lillian has glued her fingers

to her lash extensions and Sacha's had to take her to A&E.

Oh, Jesus. Yeah. So, we're two Wenches down.

Oh, no, no, Toad.

Eddie and I would love to fill in

but neither of us know how to drum, so...

Neither do we? We're meant to practice once a week

but we just get pissed instead.

I'm just not that sort of show-off-y person,

no offence, but my Instagram's private,

and I once hid in the lost property bin

so I didn't have to do the Nativity.

Girls, we have made the official line-up for

the first time ever this year, unlike those rank Hoppers.

We need the numbers.

Fuck it. Let's wench.

Mike's so dramatic when he's on his own with the kids.

He called me in tears last week cos one of them ate a daisy.

No parent has been able

to tell me one good thing about parenting, honestly.

They'll look after you when you're old.

Like fuck they will.

That is a lie peddled by Mothercare and the IVF industrial complex.

Mothercare shut down.

It's just not for me. Nah, me neither. Eddie?

Hmm?

Do you want kids?

Er, yeah.

Do you? Yeah.

You have never said that before.

Well, I, I wasn't sure, but yeah, I do.

When Anya asked you to hold Mercury,

you said you had bartender's elbow, which is not real thing.

Maggie, I want kids.

OK. You do not get to decide if I do or don't.

I know, I wasn't...

You've come to the right festival, babe.

Ostara's all about fertility.

All you need to do is catch a sacred leaf,

thrown into the crowd by the God and Goddess.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be...

No, it's cool. I just, I just didn't know that, that's all,

I wasn't being... I'm just really stressed at the minute...

Look I know, I know. Look at me. Look at me.

I need you to trust me, today.

Let me show you a good time.

Let me be the captain of the party boat and I swear to you now,

if you come to me at the end of the day

and say you did not have one second of fun,

I will never ask to captain the party boat again.

I'm just not in the mood...

Pretend!

Pretend to have a good time.

If you do it for long enough, it'll become real.

Trust me, I've been doing it for years.

What're you doing...

Weed gummies for the lady.

Fuck me, these are welded in...

Here, take this.

OK. Thank you.

PHONE BUZZES

God, it's like they put a childlock on these.

Come on girls, we got Pagan shit to do.

Take these, give me my phone. OK.

Let's go.

MEDIAEVAL FOLK MUSIC

MEDIAEVAL FOLK MUSIC

MEDIAEVAL FOLK MUSIC

MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC CONTINUES

BOTH: Anya?

You all right?

What the fuck are you doing here?

I'm High Priestess of the Order of Gaia,

Peckham chapter.

Do you want a fly? They're made of liquorice.

May your day be filled with blessings

like the sun that lights the sky,

and may you always have

the courage to spread your wings and fly.

I think I just met God.

I swear that's my old driving instructor.

Shit, it's sacred leaf time already.

Shove Lily to the front, she's on her second round of IVF.

Come on.

Oh, my God. Those are some powerful gummies.

Thank you for dragging me here. It's fucking cool.

You never see wizards in London.

Oh, God, it's that demon child again.

Kids in fancy dress are freaky. It shouldn't be allowed.

Oh, that is a lot of fertility leaves.

Well, I'm 33. Fuck knows what's going on in there.

It probably all echoey and dusty like a haunted attic.

So you're thinking you want to have kids soon?

With Jonah?

I know. I know you don't like him...

No. It it's not about me not liking him.

If he was a good person who made you happy

I'd just fake it and pretend to be interested every time he talked

about Burning Man, but,

he doesn't deserve you, Eddie.

He's controlling and patronising and manipulative and

it's like he just doesn't care that his natural deodorant doesn't work

and you are perfect.

You're this perfect, special angel girl,

you deserve to be with someone like

Harry Styles.

Jonah he's, he's not even Liam Payne.

He's offered to buy Jay's half of the bar...

Oh, wow, that's...

..and I can't lose Wet Mouth, it's my whole fucking life,

so, I just, I need you to back whatever decision I make.

Although Jonah hasn't replied to my last five texts, so,

maybe he changed his mind.

Girls. We're on in five minutes. Hurry up. Come on.

Maybe we're secretly amazing drummers.

I think I know why Jonah hasn't text you back.

What?

I said, I think I know why Jonah hasn't texted you back.

Girls, 12 o' clock, The Hoppers are here.

What are you on about?

Nasty little tarts.

Oy, what are they doing?

Maggie!

I blocked his number. You what? I blocked his number on your phone.

Oy, this is our fucking drum slot.

You did what? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't know he was offering you

the money I just wanted to get him away...

Put those drums down before we batter you with them.

I cannot fucking believe this.

No, Eddie, wait...

Oy, are you Maggie Donovan?

Yes. I knew it.

You're the bitch who shagged my cousin's husband.

No, I live in London. I don't know your cousin.

Alison Shaw?

What the fuck, James!

I don't know.

Oh, yeah, I did do that.

You know what, you lot picked the perfect costume

cos everyone knows rabbits are nature's slags.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

DRAMATIC MUSIC

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Jonah, I'm so sorry, Maggie...

It's too late, Theodora. You've destroyed our future.

I can't trust you.

I need to protect my heart and my financial assets and...

Jonah, babe, do you have any organic lube?

Who the fuck is that?

You abandoned me, Theodora...

Yeah. For like, six hours?

It felt like longer.

You know what? Fuck you and fuck her.

She's welcome to you and your manipulative bullshit

and your multiple strains of HPV I don't need any of it.

I hope you get Ebola and die.

Oh, do you fucking want some?

SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

SHOUTS: Pigs!

What's going on here?

Nothing.

You appear to be strangling this lady.

Well, I'm not, am I?

I'm assuming you have the appropriate permits

to be having this gathering up here?

Son, Mother Gaia does not issue permits for the use of her earth.

Our permit is the sun in the sky,

the grass beneath our feet,

the birth of spring as it happens right in front of our eyes.

Nature cannot be policed.

So, if you come round here again, asking about permits, Gary,

you will be back to moving trolleys around Morrisons car park before

Bonfire Night.

Your Dad still owes me 50 quid, remember?

Off you pop.

I told you Hoppers to steer clear of The Wenches.

Now piss off before I bar you from next year's festival.

Fuck off back to the playboy mansion.

There is so much life in you.

Thank you so much,

I genuinely thought they were gonna murder me...

It was just instinct.

OK, I've got two weed gummies left,

we can go and decompress by the Druid fire altar...

You're fucking kidding, right?

I've just lost the only possibility of saving my bar,

and it's all your fault.

Maggie, any time you try and help,

everything goes to shit.

I don't need you,

I don't need Jonah,

I'm the only one that can take care of me. I just...

..I just need some space, Maggie.

You all right babe?

Come on. I'm parked behind the Tarot yurt.

MUSIC: Nothing At All by Perfume Genius

# Right on time, set me free, don't wait

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Soul on fire,

# Baby say my name

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# You can say what you want but I already know

# Our body's breaking down to a single beat

# The sadness you carry... #

Oh, no!

# And I'll just tear it down and I'll wear it like a ribbon

# Give it. #

SHE SIGHS

Fucking

pagan

magic.

Urgh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media