Original subtitles

# The sky is gray

# The sand is gray

# And the ocean is gray... #

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

There's my ray of sunshine!

Love what you've done with the place.

SHE GROANS

# Happy birthday... #

No, no! # ..to you. #

It's too sad.

That's enough photos from 2010.

No! I was so happy then.

No, you weren't, Maggie. You were just on pills.

Look, Eddie, look at Johnny.

He was my only fit ex, and he was rich.

Do you remember when he bought me an iPod Nano just because?

He was boring, though, though, Mags.

You used to catch up on emails whilst he was going down on you.

I think he might be my husband.

Does he still have the fringe? Yes, but it's been updated.

He lives in Battersea now and he loves cycling

and telling people where he cycled

and how long it took him to get there. What does he do now?

What do posh men do for jobs?

I feel like it's only ever finance or something really, really dumb.

Yeah. You know that adult ball pit thing you hate?

Eugh, no, not Balls To The Wall.

Yeah, he owns that. Argh, that fucking sucks.

Yeah, but he's so normal and sane.

His parents are still together by choice.

Not cos they couldn't decide who should keep the Aga,

like Ryan's parents.

I got you doughnuts because you think cupcakes are for...

Noughties gender reveals. You are correct.

You are my tiny baby and I love you.

Ah.

Mm.

Oh, mm.

Erm...

I don't want to go any more, by the way.

What?!

You said all you wanted for your birthday was a gentle evening

supermarket sweep to TK Maxx.

I know, but I'll actually celebrate my 30th

when I have something to celebrate.

Speaking of which,

I think The Furlong are going to drop my play, so...

There's six or seven calls from my agent.

OK, but I swung by the Maxx yesterday

and they had a lot of new stock delivered.

Loads of kitchen stuff.

Really? Mm-hm.

God, if I could finally get big Le Creuset,

things might really turn round for me.

Let's do it.

Did you know that every year one Faberge egg gets hidden in a TK Maxx

somewhere in the world, and they get sold for £19.99?

That can't be true.

It is true, Eddie, I read all over the TK Maxx subreddit.

Why are we here? Oh, I just need to pop in and grab some bags for life

in case we hit the jackpot in the candle aisle.

Wait. You OK?

Yeah. I just thought I saw her, you know?

Oh, my God. Get an exterminator, like.

I can't afford it. And my method is working.

ALL: Happy Birthday!

THEY CHEER

SHE GROANS

SHE GROANS WEAKLY

OK, go mingle.

Maggie will be ready to party in no time.

Before you freak out,

can I just show you all the good shit I've done?

Come on, look. Look, look, look.

Custom cocktails.

A photo booth.

You love a photo booth.

And, and, and,

got him off of eBay.

SHE GROANS

Maggie, do you remember when you had norovirus

and we went to Bestival and I got you those adult nappies

so you didn't have to miss Elton John?

If you can do that, you can do this.

Eddie, I know we have wanted to throw a Love Actually party

for years, but this could not be worse timing.

Just because you're in a funk.

It's not a funk, it's a mood disorder.

Sorry, I know, but if you stay at home alone on your birthday,

you're going to regret it. I know you will.

Look, I promise, we're gonna have fun.

I will do one hour.

That is it.

Yes, my darling.

So if you are Laura Linney, does that make me...

..her brother, who has a mental illness?

It's what we always said we'd do.

Clint, go! Oh, Jesus, no!

What are you doing?

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

We're going to have so much fun. So itchy!

We're there. Hey! See? You look so good.

Happy birthday, Maggie.

Ah, everything OK?

Oh, yeah. Peachy.

I thought you said you'd got rid of that smell.

Have you not been getting any of my texts, calls?

I've been busy.

Me and Lauren went on a survivalist weekend in Bury St Edmunds.

Oh, good, my mother is here.

Hey, Lauren, can you go to the bar and get us a round?

Tell them to put it on my tab.

Thanks for dressing up.

I'm Colin Firth or whatever.

So?

What were you doing sniffing around the bar the other day?

I'm allowed to look around. With a surveyor?

All right, fine. Look, this business is not making money,

like, any money. It's just a dry spell.

And I need it to, cos I've got a big project I'm working on.

Not the fucking apocalypse bunker. I wouldn't expect you to understand.

You never read any of the articles I send you.

Jay, you need money for crossbows and spam?

I'll get you money for crossbows and spam.

I've actually found a way to bring in a bit more revenue.

Ever heard of Balls To The Wall?

The adult ball pit thing? Correct.

So I happen to know the guy that owns it,

I happen to know they don't have a Dalston branch,

and I happen to know that we have a basement that is empty.

Anyway, I invited him here tonight.

What, you invited the balls guy to the Love Actually party?

Impressed?

Er, I've got to go now.

Lauren, her hands are too small to hold a pint glass.

Will, why are you a worm?

I'm an eel on Colin Firth's leg. Look.

Are you all right?

It's just Jay.

Is there anything I can do? I mean, literally anything.

If you say anything, tell me what to do, I'll do it, right now.

Yeah. Can I have a Martini Freeman, on the rocks?

Coming right up. Oh!

Sorry, sorry.

I'm fine, Mum.

I'm just in costume as someone not doing well.

Maggie, I went to your flat.

When? This morning.

You were asleep. I didn't want to wake you.

Oh, but you were fine with breaking and entering?

You're not taking your lithium.

Shush! Yes, I am. No, you're not. I counted the pills.

What?! That is very fucked up.

Why aren't you taking them?

Can we just... Can we talk about this another time?

But you don't answer my calls. Mum! Look, I can't...

..take the pills because it fucks with my ability to write and think.

It's like wrapping your brain in cotton wool,

and I can't live like that.

But you can't just stop taking them willy nilly.

I've got a plan, Mum. Trust me.

Oh, great costumes, ladies!

Thanks, Eddie.

Elaine hasn't seen the film,

but she did what she could from Google Images.

Now, what time is food being served?

Erm, we're not doing food.

Auntie Elaine gets anaemic after six.

Well, while we recover from that, I'm just gonna go to the loo.

Come on, Elaine.

Hey, you haven't seen any of our little guests, have you?

Eddie, this is really very heavy. Can you please move?

Get behind the bar!

Maggie! Maggie.

Oh...

Thanks for coming, Anya.

And Owen. And Owen.

Guess who we are?

SHE MOANS

Chance would be a fine thing, eh?

THEY LAUGH RAUCOUSLY

Oh, I can't believe you haven't met Mercury yet.

We're really hoping to see you at the placenta ceremony.

Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm not really a baby person.

Mercury's not like other babies. He's incredibly insightful.

God, this place hasn't changed a bit, has it?

ECHOING: The amount of time we've spent here.

The smell was a lot less...pungent then.

Mags, oh, wow. So nice to see you out and about.

For God's sakes, Bryan, she hasn't had a hip replacement.

No, I know, I just... Eddie says that you've been feeling a bit down.

Look, I totally get it.

I was a wreck last year after my cheek fillers migrated.

Right! I am about to piss myself.

So, if you don't mind, I'm just gonna...

Oh!

Not the engaged girlies. BRB.

I've got to... Excuse me. OK, bye-bye.

Clint!

Oh, come on! For fuck's sake.

It was only two!

Get her! What?! No, no, no, no, no!

Ow! What the fuck?!

That was nowhere near an hour.

I can't do it, Eddie.

I just got accosted by Tiffany rings.

Please, please let me go home.

Maggie, I'm not trying to torture you.

I know you feel like shit, but if you stay at home alone

on your birthday, it will make you feel worse.

And I can't bear the thought of it, OK?

Everyone in there loves you.

Come back in and I promise you'll start to feel better.

And if anyone else pisses you off, I'll lock them in the rat hotel.

OK, fine.

Will you kindly ask Clint to get off me

before I elbow him in the mouth?

Anya, you can't smoke in here.

Why not?

What is this?

Hey, Maggie. WEAKLY: Yay.

I need you little freaks to shut this party down.

MAN: Happy birthday. Oh, yeah. Feliz navidad!

And now we wait.

DOOR KNOCKS

No! This toilet is blocked by a ghost.

It's Bryan. The ghost doesn't know who that is.

Maggie, I have mushroom oil.

OK, I am all for realism,

but you could have at least washed your hair.

DOOR KNOCKS

No, no. Pretend to be a ghost.

It's Anya. Nope, nope. No, no, no.

Oh...

Oh, fabulous. I've found the gap.

Give Mama Anya a little line, kind sir?

No, Anya. Nobody cool does coke any more.

Michael Gove ruined it.

We are on the mushroom oil.

How chic. Where did you get it?

That visual artist I dated last year. Graham? Yes.

Did he ever give you that printer back? No. But honestly,

he did me a favour. Ink is so expensive.

OK, I think I'm ready to head back out there, actually.

But thank you for all the loud talking.

Erm, Eddie...I'm not teaching you how to pour Guinness again.No.

We've encountered some issues at the hotel.

Have the guests left the compound?

This is such bad timing.

Is that Johnny? I haven't seen him since Maggie made us

join the hunt for Raoul Moat.

What's your rat-trapping knowledge like?

Oh, Jesus Christ, no.

I cannot believe this!

God, Johnny looked fit, didn't he? He's beautiful.

I would like to curl up on his lap like a little cat.

SHE VOCALISES

Swap costumes with me.

No. Yes. No. Yes.

No. THEY SHOUT

Ow! You made me walk around this party looking like a convicted

tube groper, knowing you'd invited Johnny.

Maggie, I'm so sorry, but there are more pressing issues right now.

Hotel Ratatouille's had a breakout.

Oh, really?

Could not be worse timing. Jay's gonna fucking kill me.

Oh, God.

He still looks like a Roman statue

and I haven't changed my underwear in three days.

Oh, God, this costume is so hot.

What did you make it out of, roof insulation?

Take your tentacles off. No, I just need the mushrooms to kick in.

Hey.

Hey. THEY LAUGH

It's good to see you.

How have you been? Yeah, rea... Yeah, amazing.

Yeah? The writing's going really well.

Oh, good. That's good to hear.

You're not doing any more of the, you know...

..nasty stuff.

Er...

No, no, that, that was the... That was the old me.

Oh, good, that's get to hear.

You know, I think about you often.

Oh...

Johnny. Eddie! Oh, my goodness.

Thank you so much for the invite.

You know, I remember you girls talking about throwing this party

back in the day. You remember my brother Jay, right?

Don't think we've met, no. We haven't.

We own the bar together

and have done ever since Dad passed away.

Couldn't bear to sell it, so I quit uni, became landlord,

and then, in 2015, we won Hackney Online's Bar Of The Year.

Wow! That's incredible.

Well, you know what the nightlife industry's like. Certainly do.

What the fuck was that? Truffle oil?

Give it some time. We don't have time.

If it doesn't kick in soon, I will fake a burst ovarian cyst

to get out of this fucking party.

OK, I will give you a little bit more

if you promise to take your upper lip sweat elsewhere.

Ah, ah, ah. Mm-hm.

RATS SQUEAK

It seems weird that Balls To The Wall

doesn't have a Dalston branch.

We've actually been looking around Hackney Wick.

Oh, Hackney Wick is actually the murder capital of East London.

Is it? Mm-hm.

There are so many yoga studios there.

We have a great basement here at Wet Mouth,

just sitting around empty.

Sorry. Er, one sec.

Jay, tell Johnny about the basement.

I mean, you've seen a basement before, right?

There are rats everywhere. Shut up!

OK.

Whatever it takes.

Does the music need to be this loud?

Elaine has thin eardrums.

OK, well, go tell Eddie that.

And it's so dark, I can't see a thing.

Elaine stood on someone's foot and she swore blind it was a rat.

WARPED: I said, "Elaine, it will have been a brown loafer."

Her night-vision has never been that good.

Sh.

ECHOING: Mum...

..everything is going to work out.

I can feel it.

Mm-hm.

These little guys almost gate-crashed the party.

Clint. THROTTLED SQUEAKING

I said trap,

not kill.

You don't understand, man.

You weren't there.

What did I miss? Well, I think it might be a good idea for my team

to come in here and have a look at your basement.

I can really see my balls in here.

Let me get a round in. Champers all round?

Yeah?

I can't believe he thinks this place sells champagne.

Could you not just be impressed?

Fine. You did good.

I... underestimated you.

Oh, my God, can I have that in writing?

You need to help me.

HE HACKS AND GRUNTS

I can't.

They are just living beings like you or I.

SQUEAKING

Oh, no, no, no... Don't go out there.

MUSIC IN BACKGROUND: Wherever You Will Go by The Calling

Oh, got to go.

My surprise is here.

Eddie.

I've had an epin...

An epiphany?

I think Johnny is my soulmate.

We got together and we were so young, but now we're, like, older,

we're, like, ready for each other, you know?

OK, maybe, but I did hear that he's engaged to a hair model.

But love is an open door.

That's a song from Frozen.

Uh, watch Maggie for me.

I'm going to go get the surprise.

Mushrooms clearly don't work on me.

I can't believe nobody takes class As any more.

I had to nick this out of Brian's pocket

whilst he snogs the arrivals board.

He's being so stingy with it.

Just, erm, to hold my hands just so my fingers don't get stuck together.

Shouldn't have given you that.

I'm truly sorry for what's about to happen.

TURNS OFF MUSIC

ALL SING: # Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Maggie

# Happy birthday to you. #

ALL APPLAUD, WHOOP

You haven't aged.

Your hand's soaking wet.

Make a wish.

Oh, God, so sorry, did I burn it?

Just Joe, it's fine.

MAN: Speech! Yes.

OK.

Wow.

Wowee!

What a night.

What can I say

except love is an open door

and through that door came all of you...

..my friends...

..my family...

..maybe even soulmates.

Because...

..we're all connected, aren't we?

We all... we all came from that fish with a tail.

I think I think she had legs.

She walked out of the sea and she made us.

Every being on this earth.

Me and you.

Even this little guy.

Even this rat deserves love.

For God's sake, Maggie, put the rat down.

OK.

ALL SCREAM

SCREAMS INDISTINCTLY

ALL SCREAM

MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND: Christmas Is All Around Me by Bill Nighy

# There's no beginning

# There'll be no end

# Cuz on Christmas

# You can depend... #

That fucking rat bit me.

I we'll get you a tetanus jab.

I've told you over and over, Eddie.

If it ever seemed like things were going downhill again,

you were to call me. She was just upset about the play.

She's not taking her lithium.

You know that, don't you?

Can we please stop talking about me like I'm not sat right here?

We need to get you in with Dr Goulding tomorrow morning,

and back on the medication.

No. No way. I hate it, and I can do without it.

I just need some time.

Absolutely not.

Gillian, she's an adult.

If she wants to come off the lithium, she can.

Maybe she just needs us all to, you know, support her.

Eddie, you're a bartender, not a psychiatrist.

Come on, Elaine, if you won't listen to me, Maggie, I'll save my breath.

Jay, I'm so sorry about... We are selling the bar.

It's over, Eddie.

No, no! Jay, wait!

You know my fiance, Aurora, is actually a Reiki healer.

I think she could really help you out.

Thought she was a hair model.

Yeah, she does both.

I'll get her to DM you.

Did you invite my ex-boyfriend to my nonconsensual birthday party

for a business meeting?

Did you open the door to the Rat Hotel?

Cancel each other out?

Yeah.

The rats told me I'm passed it.

Can you believe that?

You don't know me.

Great party, girls.

I've achieved stuff, you know? SHE CONTINUES SHOUTING

Jay's selling the bar.

That's... what he thinks.

Why didn't you tell me?

Cos I'll fix it. I always fix it.

I fix problems, and you have them.

Great party, right?

Oh, yeah.

One for the Facebook album.

MUSIC: Rats by Pillow Queens

# Life of the party

# You're outta body

# Got hands in your heart

# And hearts in your hallway

# Fairly certain I'm important

# I've an arm and a leg in the doorway

# What's the point?

# Give it up

# You're outta your head

# Now you're old enough

# Aching joints give you up... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media