Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language, adult humour

and scenes some may find distressing

# This time won't be nothing like the last one

# Smoking so much gas, I forgot to put my mask on

# I shine with the lights off, he hates when I don't call

# Two months without me, guess you're having withdrawals

# He on my hip like a Tamagotchi

# Leave a heart on my wall so I can know you like me

# I'm important, can't be seen with just anybody

# We was late but we still pulled up to the party... #

Hey, sorry, do you want this?

Yeah.

Hi! Whose scooter is that, Maggie?

Mine. I bought it after watching a particularly persuasive TikTok ad.

And you've just given it away?

Honestly, Eddie, I just saw myself on it, reflected in a shop window,

and it was a rude awakening.

It had to go. Oh, shit.

Question eight - which day of the week is the worst?

I was going to say, we hate scooter people.

I know, but, like, the environment?

You don't care about the environment.

You said all humans deserve to burn to death.

Yeah, I only said that because I just had that really weird haircut.

You seem better. Yeah, I'm having the best week.

I went to a spin class yesterday. What?!

I mean, I left ten minutes in because the instructor kept

playing Ed Sheeran dance remixes, but like, the intention was there.

Anyways, I need you to take tomorrow off work.

Oh, I can't, I've got too much going on here.

Look, it's important.

My old school want me to come back and do a talk

for their little drama club.

Isn't that cute?

They must have read the reviews of my play.

The two-star reviews?

The state of the education system in this country is dire.

They need me.

As a former student working professionally in theatre,

I thought I could just, like, come and do like a little talk

because I'm going to be in town anyways.

They practically begged me, Eddie.

So I need you to drive me to East Sussex.

Question nine - who did I vote for in the 2002 Pop Idol final,

Gareth Gates or Will Young?

Would you stop asking questions for a minute?

No, I can't. People have paid good money for this pub quiz.

And by people do you mean two underage goths and Will?

At least Will showed up on time. Maybe he IS my number one bestie.

You take that back right now.

Maggie, I love that you suddenly seem to believe

children are the future, but you hate public speaking.

When you gave that speech at Anya's wedding, you shook so hard

someone asked me if you were detoxing from heroin.

Yeah, but this is just a tiny group of kids - and drama nerds at that.

I just don't get why you'd travel all the way there.

That school did a lot for me.

You said everyone took the piss out of your accent. But I had some amazing teachers.

I had this one history teacher in particular -

he was just really...inspirational.

# You should let me love you, love you, love you... #

He kind of changed my life and I think he still works there,

so maybe I could, like, thank him.

Sorry, were you visited in the night by three ghosts?

Where is this benevolence coming from?

Look, I'm turning 30 soon and I want to be a good person.

I AM a good person, actually.

I just want to project that goodness more.

And you can project your goodness more by driving me there.

Who will look after the bar?

That manager you just hired.

What's his name? The wanky earring guy.

Actually, a BMX doesn't have gears, you just kind of set it up under...

Him. What's his name? I think it's Klent.

There's no way it's Klent. I think it is.

And anyway, he can't look after the bar on his own.

Hey, Eddie, can I take a quick 60?

Jen over there has never seen a BMX before

and I am going to pop her cherry.

Uh, no, you can't. Go and clean the loos.

What?!

How?

Fuck's sake!

Just get on with it.

Don't be scary.

"How?" His dad's an earl.

Ah. It's like working with the little sheltered boy

from the Secret Garden.

Oh! Question ten - what was the name of

the little sheltered boy from The Secret Garden?

Colin!

I'm convinced he's never had a real job before,

but I need him to lure the other fuckboys in.

The fuckboy pound has become surprisingly strong

since they all became social media managers. Mm.

Great quiz this week, Eddie.

Some really thought-provoking questions in there.

Tell me - the day of the week question... Mm.

..are we talking worst as in least enjoyable,

or are we talking...? Hey, Eddie,

if you come with me tomorrow, I will let you pretend to be my publicist.

You can lie to people all day with no consequences.

Like when you told everyone you invented Jedward's haircut.

Can I have a fake name?

MAGGIE AND EDDIE SING ALONG: # What's wrong, what's wrong now?

# Too many, too many problems

# Don't know where she belongs

# Where she belongs

# She wants to go home

# But nobody's home

# That's where she lies... # ENGINE TURNS OFF

OK, quick stop, and then we gotta hustle.

We're gonna be late for my "talk".

I mean, you ARE going to have to give a talk.

Yeah, but I'm just gonna wing it.

They're children.

And what if you get the shakes?

I won't! Have some faith.

Ooh!

What...the fuck? What?

That's what you're wearing to go to a school?

I want to seem like a successful lady.

That is not a successful lady outfit.

That is a shag-me outfit. Who are you trying to shag?

No-one.

That history teacher you mentioned, what was his name?

I can't remember. Maggie! Mr Wilson.

OK, was Mr Wilson hot?

MAGGIE SIGHS

Smoking hot.

Oh, my God. I haven't slept in a week.

I might have overdone the under-eye concealer.

Do I look like a very pale panda? Maggie! OK, OK!

Mr Wilson might be my soulmate.

He wasn't like the other teachers!

He was funny and smart and we just, like, had this...connection.

Was Mr Wilson the teacher who tried to molest you?

No! Eww, that was my maths teacher, Mr Phillips.

It was prom night 2008.

I'd just turned 16,

my braces were freshly off and I was resplendent

in my Debut by Debenhams dress.

Then Mr Phillips slithered over.

He said I looked really grown up, which, let's face it, was not true.

Then all of a sudden he lurched at me with his gross mouth.

But guess who saved me.

# You should let me love you

# Let me be the one to

# Give you everything you want and need

It was so intense.

So, if it had been the history teacher who'd tried it on,

you'd have banged him? Yes!

But the crucial thing is that he DIDN'T try it on.

He wouldn't shag a child. Wow!

We should nominate him for a Pride of Britain award.

It is not beyond the realms of possibility that we are, like,

truly meant to be together and we just met at the wrong time.

PHONE BUZZES

My brother. Diet Coke?

What's up? Hiya, I'm in Dalston.

I thought I'd come by, see how our bar's doing.

Are you about?

I'm not, but I'll be back tomorrow, if you want to swing by then.

Ah, sorry, me and Lauren have a

deer carcass preparation workshop tomorrow.

We've had it booked for ages.

Oh, so you're still into all that stuff, then?

Um, yeah,

I'm still into surviving the inevitable collapse of society.

Call me crazy. I do.

I've gotta go, Jay. Enjoy the dead deer.

CALL ENDS

All clear.

So, we've owned the bar for nearly 12 years.

Our father owned it before that.

OK, let's go.

I need to go and get my man.

Oh, my God, we're going to end up on the fucking news.

MUSIC: The Look by Roxette

# Walking like a man

# Hitting like a hammer

# She's a juvenile scam

# Never was a quitter

# Tasty like a raindrop

# She's got the look

# Heavenly bound

# Cos heaven's got a number

# When she's spinning me around

# Kissing is a colour

# Her loving is a wild dog

# She's got... # Hi!

I remember you - the little Irish girl.

IMITATES IRISH ACCENT: Top of the mornin' to ya!

Bloody hell, you've not grown an inch, have you?

Uh, hi, yeah, Maggie Donovan. I'm here do a talk for Miss Finch.

Oh, yeah, she said something about that.

Hang on here while...

IMITATES IRISH ACCENT: ..I give her a buzz.

Do you still get those nasty nosebleeds?

No.

Sometimes.

Oh, I can't believe you were the nosebleed kid. Eurgh!

I forgot how much I hate it here.

God, it even smells the same. How do you preserve a smell, like?

I can't picture you here.

It's very Grange Hill with somehow less glamour.

Oh, my God!

That's him. That's Mr Phillips.

What, the lurcher?

BOTH: Oh, my God!

He fucking remembers. He probably thinks you're here to make, like,

a historical complaint. How does he still have his job here?!

I mean, people saw him do the lurch.

Mr Wilson saw him do the lurch, and now he's his boss.

Don't you think that's really fucked up?

Maggie Donovan!

SHE LAUGHS

Hey. The greatest Willy Loman this school has ever seen.

Aw! And you're a professional actor now?

No, um...I'm a playwright!

Oh.

Well, that's nice too.

Uh, this is...

Adele Dazeem, Maggie's publicist.

My goodness, a publicist.

Isn't that something?

Now, listen, I have some fab news.

Our principal, Mr Wilson - you might remember him...

Mr Wilson...

History, was it?

Yes, that's right! Yes, yeah, yeah.

I told him about you coming and he said,

"With an alumnus of your calibre,

"we shouldn't be wasting you on the little 'uns."

So he's set up an assembly for you with the A-level lot.

Only 100-odd kids or so, so it should be quite fun.

What? I...

100 teenagers? Like big teenagers?

Hmm, I don't know if that's a great idea from a PR point of view.

James, she's getting cold feet!

MUSIC: Let Me Love You by Mario

MUSIC GRINDS TO HALT

Wow, that is not how I remembered him.

Maggie Donovan.

James Wilson - I don't know if you remember at all,

but I had the pleasure of teaching you history.

Yes, I, um...

Yes, I do remember. MAGGIE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Uh, this is my...

Adele Dazeem, publicist to the stars.

Lovely to meet you.

So, Maggie, I hope it's all right with you that we've

expanded your audience a little bit.

Well, I, um...

Come on! I mean, the Maggie Donovan I remember

wouldn't have been scared of a few teenagers.

MAGGIE AND MR WILSON LAUGH

Um...

Yeah, no, I'd love to.

Definitely.

Great.

I mean...he still has something about him.

He does have a thing.

It's not the thing I was expecting, which is, like, classic good looks,

but he does have a thing, and he's the principal, and that's...

That's fit. It is fit.

It IS fit!

However, I cannot do this assembly... Yeah, right.

..because it is like my idea of hell, you know?

Like, a group of 11-year-olds who don't know

their arse from their elbow is one thing, but 100...

100 fucking hormonal nutjobs.

And these are NOT nice kids. I went to this school.

We're not at fucking Hogwarts. You'll literally get cyber-bullied.

They'll find your Instagram and make fun of your selfies.

MAGGIE GASPS

Do you think they've read the reviews?

Do I think these small-town teenagers

have read the reviews of your fringe play?

I mean, I would say off-West End, but...

I mean, he...

Mr Wilson, he's literally just a secondary school teacher.

You want to do a runner? Thank you for saying it.

I didn't want to say it.

Ah...busted!

Hi, we weren't leaving.

Well, I hope not. MAGGIE CHUCKLES

PHONE BUZZES It's work, sorry.

Klent, I've told you, if there's a spider, trap it under a glass...

Could I, um, grab one of those?

Yeah, sure. OK.

I thought your generation didn't smoke.

Ah, no, that's the one after us.

We smoke, we just refuse to drink cow's milk.

CHUCKLING: Oh, right.

What is it?!

The till's not printing receipts.

Shall I just close?

No, it just needs new till roll.

It's in the office, top drawer of the desk.

Jay told me to stay out of there while he's here with the surveyor.

What do you mean surveyor?

I don't know. I think they take surVEYS of things.

Like a questionnaire.

No, I... Klent, how did they get in there?

I gave them a key. Why did you do that?

Uh, because keys open locks.

EDDIE SIGHS I'll be there soon.

She's so badly raised.

So, do you actually remember me,

or did you have to look through a few old yearbooks?

No, you're not someone you forget in a hurry.

Because I was a nightmare? No, no, I saw you more

as a young woman with a lot of spirit,

a lot of potential, and very little patience for authority.

Plus, you know, you'd just moved to a whole new country,

so it can't have been easy.

Well, thanks for, um...

For being nice to me back then.

You were special.

ARE special...

..I'm sure.

So, um, Mr Phillips...

Mm. Do you remember what happened with him at prom?

I'm just, like, surprised to see that he's still working here.

MR WILSON CLEARS THROAT

Well, better get back.

Nearly time for your big moment.

PHONE BUZZES

Eddie! There you are.

We need to go. My brother's snooping around the bar.

We can't leave now, Eddie, can we? MAGGIE SNIGGERS

You're doing the assembly?

You left me with him.

He kept looking at me with his eyes.

Maggie, I need to go.

We can leave straight after.

This will take five minutes, tops.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Maggie Donovan!

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Oh, my goodness, hi!

How are you? You look incredible.

Thanks, you too.

Adele, this is... Alison.

Alison, yeah. We were in the same year.

It's been...yonks.

What are you doing here?

Uh, they've invited me here to lead a little assembly to inspire

the next generation to reach beyond the confines of their tiny lives.

But what about you? What have you been up to?

Oh, well, I teach dance here, which is brill.

Oh, and I've got three kids, if you can believe that.

Why...?! WISE of you to have so many.

Right, well, I don't want to keep you before your big assembly,

but I would love to catch up afterwards.

Ah! Ah!

Three kids?!

She is my age.

What was she, a child bride?

Some women spend their 20s starting a family,

some women spend them on ketamine. Both are valid choices.

Right, time for my TED talk.

OK, Maggie, you are really confident about this improvised

but apparently life-changing speech you're about to make.

Eddie, they are kids.

How hard could it be?

WHISPERS: Jesus, they're massive.

WHISPERS: These are teenagers?

MR WILSON: Maggie is a playwright.

She's worked with some big-name London theatres,

including the Dagenham Arts Club and Bar,

and several up-and-coming pub theatres.

So it just goes to show the sky's the limit for our alumni.

So, let's welcome her up with a round of applause.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Hi... MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

What is theatre?

It's just a room.

Uh, it's like this room, but, um...

..better.

You can get wine there, for instance.

STAMMERING: And if you have....

If you have a room, you have theatre.

That's actually quite profound, because if you think about it,

like, everyone has a room...

Well, like, not every... Um...

And, um, you know what they say...

..all the world's a stage...

..and the men and ladies - merely people.

Do you know who said that?

Abraham Lincoln.

STIFLED LAUGHTER

Uh, so, yeah...

Instead of me, like, doing this long speech,

I thought, like, we'd kind of do, like, a Q&A.

So if anyone has any questions they wanted to...

Yes.Yeah, what's your bra size? LAUGHTER

MR WILSON: All right, absolutely hilarious, Aaron.

Mr Woolley, would you take him to your office, please?

STUDENTS GROAN Aw, come on!

Boo!

STUDENT: Answer the question! Um, yeah, I'm...

I'm not gonna answer that one because I don't wanna get Yewtreed.

SILENCE

MAGGIE SIGHS

Uh...

Are there any other questions? Yeah.

Did you like school?

Oh, fuck, no, I hated it. LAUGHTER

All right, come on!

We've all heard a swear word before.

LAUGHING: Um, sorry.

Um, sorry.

Yeah, no, I, um...

I really hated school.

STUDENTS LAUGH AND CHEER

It felt like...

Like a huge waste of my time and, like...

Like, nobody gives a fuck about your A-level results

in the real world,

and university is just a scam run by the government

to fund nuclear arms, probably.

But, um, yeah.

Like, what did I even learn?

I don't remember anything I learned, and I turned out fine, so...

STUDENTS LAUGH

STUDENT CHEERS

Any more questions?

Come in.

So...apologies.

That was a bit inappropriate.

A bit?!

But they really responded to me!

You know, the honesty - teenagers like honesty.

Oh, oh, is that what teenagers like?

You've completely undermined everything we do here.

What, because I didn't pretend school was the best years of my life?

It is a battle keeping some of these kids in school.

You have absolutely no idea!

You, you're just... I'm what?

You...

What?

THEY PANT AND GROAN

Just tell him to leave, Klent.

He's not answering my texts.

No, he's not going to karate kick you! He's my brother.

Hang on.

Excuse me, have you seen Maggie anywhere?

Who?

The little Irish girl.

CHUCKLING: Oh, yeah.

She went into Mr Wilson's office.

I've been thinking about you for 15 years.

Oh, me too!

I mean, not in paedo-y way.

OK, don't say that word.

Sorry, sorry.

I mean, we just had this connection. Yes, exactly.

Exactly Right, take your knickers off.

OK.

Oh, my God, she's actually doing it.

She's actually... Oh, hi, Maggie's friend! Hi!

Could you tell her that it was so nice to see her? Yeah.

I've got to start dance club. I'll leave these two with their dad.

Oh, sorry, I think Mr Wilson's just a little bit busy right now.

Oh, no, it's OK! It's just us.

Sorry, could I...?

Thank you. Yeah. Thanks.

Come, on guys. Oh, my God.

SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

What the fuck, James?

No, no, no! Please, listen!

Alison, what are you doing here? What am I doing in here?

I'm his wife!

I'm sorry, you married a student?

We connected YEARS after!

Oh, my God. Can you please tell your kids to stop filming me?!

Don't fucking talk to me! You do not fucking talk to me!

I think they're gonna put it on TikTok.

You promised me I was the only one!

You were... ARE.

I am genuinely sorry, but I cannot...

Thank you for accompanying me on another gorgeous day out.

One for the...record books.

Look, I'm all for shenanigans...

..but are you manic?

Just because if you are, you know what comes next, right?

OK, this wasn't my finest hour, but you don't need to be so judgy.

No, I'm not... I was just...

I just wanted to check.

Sorry, I'm just...

I'm pranging out about Jay sniffing around the bar earlier.

No, no, no, it's cool. I get it.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I need to go and wash an old man's come out of my tights.

You're a nightmare.

DOOR SLAMS But you love me!

But I love you.

MUSIC: In Waves by Slow Club

CLOCK TICKS, POLICE SIREN WAILS

Damn it.

CLOCK TICKS, FALLS SILENT

Subtitles by Red Bee Media