Original subtitles

Where's Jerry?

Jerry Birkin? Ah, my fucking leg.

Remember cymbals?

Remember the cymbal thing?

Well, we're going to tighten it up.

We need a pad for the top of it.

I was just funnin' ya, baby! Don't shoot!

Don't shoot us!

I'm just following you, baby. Don't shoot!

Bet he was a money customer, too.

All right, now, look. See, I told you.

You and your damn hot head, and I knocked that off.

I'm wounded.

I'm wounded.

He's pretty bad. He's pretty bad. Stand back, girls. I'm going to put him out of

his misery. Don't you dare. Don't you knock.

Look out now. Back off.

Hey.

I've never seen nine people like this before

Sham's a name.

Ernest Sham.

Sheriff, saloon keeper, and pillar of fire and strength in my community.

Now, this here story ain't a pretty one, but I'm telling it like it was.

Glorious day, I averted Sham's shame and fought Sham's battle with the

McNasty brothers in my quaint little old peace -loving town of Sewerpipe

Creek. Back in the fall of 69.

All right, kiddies, I want to tell you a little story.

There are cowboy songs that tell the tales of how the West was won.

Cattle drives, mangled lives beneath the desert sun.

There are Indian raids and escapades.

I've been drinking bouts for weeks.

But little known is the story shown of how the sewer flat grew.

Right into the middle. My gun blazing left, my gun blazing right.

Like I say, here they come.

A peaceful little town, a sewer pipe creek, took on all the appearances of a

battlefield. The smell of blood and gunpowder in the air.

Black Bart McNasty and them two mean kid brothers of his swarming all over the

place. The girls are a -screaming and a -carrying on.

White Plum took me and Dude and...

Kid to kid by such surprise, we were shooting at each other more than anybody

else. What it was, was this, the fact that these here McNasty brothers,

I find out, get this now, come down here once a year.

You hear me?

Yeah, what? They come down here once a year.

Well, me being the sheriff at that particular time, if you happen to notice

that I have here back behind the bar.

I was ready as I ever could be for them.

And these here... Keep it nice and shined up.

But I ain't never going to work for these people around here no more.

It doesn't seem like that terrible a job.

Well, no, here is the idea. What I'm not talking about, or what I am talking

about, is the fact that I'm not going to be a bartender too long, and I am not

going to be a sheriff too long either.

Because here's why, boy, these guys just come in here and just tore everything

up. We went blasting out that front door out there and everybody flying around

and me shooting like I told you there.

And you know what I found out? All these women turned against their own sheriff.

Right here, these women in this damn house turned right against their own

sheriff. And I just couldn't take that no longer.

All of a sudden we found out that the McNasty brothers spend more money in two

weeks.

than the rest of the damn residents of the county do in six months.

Well, I said to myself, Sham, it's a shame.

When your own people come up against you and side with others just because

they're thrown around the coin of the realm and got no respect for the man who

lays down his life to protect lives and property, I was clean fed up.

So that's it. Bye, God.

I ain't going to work for no law office. I ain't going to work for no bar.

Because as soon as these God -blessed McNasty brothers come in regular as

locusts, and it's coming up next week, I'm gone.

I am gone, woman. Let me tell you right here and now. Yes, sir.

All right. How about a little touch here? Think I can spare one for you?

A little.

Maybe we can do what I said before. Where'd I put that wine bottle?

God damn it.

Some of my favorite.

Little Madeira.

Madeira.

So, now that you know, I ain't just a dirty old bartender, but a dirty old

sheriff, too. I was wondering... No!

You stay away from me!

Oh, come on. I said, ain't nobody coming around here.

They ain't invented nobody here for the last five minutes. I've been talking to

you like this, have I?

And there ain't...

I got I think you're right

apron up. You're exposing yourself.

Goddamn women.

Once I do, baby.

Yes, ma 'am.

Can I help you?

Yes.

Can you please tell me where the auction is? Where the auction is?

Well, let's see.

Well, where I'm sitting, it's not too far away.

Oh, you mean the auction. Yeah, well, I'll tell you, ma 'am. Around here, all

the sellers, we kind of get together, go down to the barber shop and watch a few

haircuts. Yeah, right.

And, uh... I know a neat little place where you and me can go fishing

illegally.

Just what kind of action do you do, ma 'am?

I mean the real action.

Yeah, well, yeah. What kind of action do you do?

I'm a topless dancer.

Oh, a what?

A topless dancer.

Oh, come on, ma 'am. Surely you ain't talking about yourself.

Oh, yes.

That's pretty good. That was pretty good.

Yeah, well, let's find out what this is all about, shall we?

Do you have any music?

Do we have music?

Do we have music?

Yeah. Get it, boys.

Well,

great day in the morning.

You could have knocked us ass over a wood box the day this little lady come

town. We was all sitting there with our eyeballs falling out.

And all so numb, we felt like we was copping a field with our mittens on.

She was the kind of woman, well, the kind you wanted to do everything to all

one time.

But you couldn't make up your mind where to start.

Yeah, she lit up Sewer Pipe Creek at the fire of 52.

And we was all sitting there like sticks of kindling wood, hoping it'd happen

again.

You see, she was fresh in from Gigi's over San Francisco way.

But she was born down in old Mexico.

I swear, man and boy, I never seen nothing like that before in my life.

One look at her, and I knew it right there.

Mexico's a better developed country than I thought.

Yeah, she looked just like a sunrise.

And they called her the Golden Dream.

Okay, boy, let's talk about business.

Yeah!

Well, it was damn obvious to all of us that there was gold in them bar hills.

With a golden dream as top attraction, we'd have them pouring in by the carload

just to spend their money like it was going out of style.

Yeah, and we'd hire us some dancehall girls to keep the action going.

Maybe even redecorate, like buy a new spittoon.

Well, no sense going too far.

Yes, sirree -ba.

The making of money was at hand.

Why, dude could get his crap table going again, and 21, and maybe even Keno.

And Kid the Kid could start that whorehouse he always wanted to do since

knee -high to a red bug.

Me and the Golden Dream would sell that beer and liquor and grab our percentage

of anything that moved, either from side to side or up and down.

Well, sir, we formed a partnership right there.

But little did we know what was going on in them there hills whilst our thoughts

was all of gold.

You're not only the youngest, you're the ugliest.

Boy, you're so ugly, you look like you've done what did what by ugly stick.

Don't you get personal now.

Oh, boy, oh.

Let that dumb brother fuck you by the horse there.

Quit your motherfucking bellyaching and hurry up. We could get to town.

Oh, Chuck.

Chuck Barton, you know what? Chuck.

Did I hear you say, fuck boy?

I said, fuck.

That's better.

You know I don't use those shit words.

I didn't bring you up to be no fucking cusser. Come on, you motherfucking

I swear I get farther every goddamn year.

You're always setting us off, aren't you?

If both of you two young 'uns don't watch your lips, me and Paul's gonna

hand of ya.

Yeah.

Uh,

damn, little kids always spit you and always grab you and you don't know what

they're coming up with next.

Well, give them a little marijuana to smoke and it goes to their goddamn head.

What do you got in that canteen, Buffalo?

I ain't got the canteen. I gave you the book.

Give me the fucking thing.

Get it up here.

What did you put in that for?

Who? Who?

What did you put in here?

There's that town over there now.

There it is. There it is.

We'll be down there in about 30 minutes.

Yeah, I wonder if that fucking sheriff is still there.

If that fucking sheriff is still there, I'm going to tie his feet together and

stick his head in the well.

That's what I'm going to do.

Did you believe?

No, no.

That ain't no way to treat a boy out lying in the woods.

Probably called traumatic shock and paranoid manhood.

For that was kid to kid up there, concentrating in the sun.

And brother, if you can't get your gun off, you'd better get it on.

I'd still be that dirty old man's sheriff bartender standing back there.

don't you worry about that. We're going to make a lot of money.

Let's get on there right now. Come on, let's get this thing going.

Well, over there.

Can we get her up a little higher so we can kind of look at her?

Yeah, all right.

And we're taking two things here, you know. We're taking what?

What do we want? B -girls and topless dancers. B -girls and topless dancers,

B... Girls, well, okay, I'll remember what it says and topless.

Zero, I'll put a big zero there. All right.

Okay. Hey, you got any specialties?

I've got several specialties.

Yeah, maybe I should do some research on those specialties, huh? Yeah, why don't

you do that? And you get back to me. All right, who's next?

Oh, special.

Well, let me see.

Kind of looks like a school mom, don't you? Well, let's see what happens. All

right, dude, help the lady on up there, would you?

Topless dancer.

Oh, my.

Dude,

I'll tell you, my God, right there, there's enough for the two of us. Maybe

can work something out. Yeah, maybe we can work something in. Good thinking.

All right, who's next?

Oh, hey, yeah.

You looking for a job?

No, where's your black pants party, sir?

The black... Pants to party. Well, let me take a look here.

Oh, yeah, black pants to party.

They ain't going to be here for, they ain't scheduled for two weeks.

What are you doing between now and then?

I play piano right now.

Well, show now.

Piano player.

All right, kiddies, I want to tell you a little story.

There are cowboy songs that tell the tales of how the West was won.

Cattle drives and mangled lives beneath the desert sun.

There are Indian raids and escapades and drinking bouts for weeks.

But little known is the story shown in the town of Sewer by Korea.

Three deserters from the cavalry roamed through those sagebrush hills.

The meanest bunch of miscreants from here to Salt Lake Wells.

Their name was called McNasty, cursed in a rotten hive.

Their bark fun buffalo.

and the three rolled side by side.

Their eyes were mean, their guns were fast, their manners bold and crude.

They had no call with decency and moral turpitude, whatever

the hell that is.

just raising hell and booze and smoking pot.

Yeah, legend tells it all too well.

Our guns weren't always shot.

The government prices on their heads.

The curse was on their lips.

As the McNastys rode to Sewer Pot Creek in search of further trips.

Man is judged by worth and word and deed.

Respect is high for men like that because it is their creed.

Respect, too, for jobs well done brought other people fame.

But when it comes to shun your bitches, man, nasty's what you need.

Three deserters from the cavalry roam through those sagebrush hills.

The meat is bunched with miscreants from here to Salt Lake Wells.

got any new women here this year. I hope so. That one I got.

Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo!

Woo!

The unemployment line?

Well, I'll tell you what. It used to be the unemployment line, but it ain't

anymore. You're hired.

Oh, Dan, what was that? Oh, for God's sake.

What's happening out there, boy?

The McNastys are in town. The what?

McNastys. The McNastys are in town?

Yeah, what's going on?

Well, let me see here. I got a little deal.

Dude, step over here real close.

Raise your right hand.

You guys are going to be witnesses, right?

Here's a little surprise of good here for you. Take your hat off. You're going

to be a witness.

You're the new sheriff.

He's the sheriff.

He's the sheriff.

He's the sheriff. He's the sheriff.

He's the sheriff.

He's the sheriff. He's the sheriff. He's the sheriff. He's the sheriff.

Well,

there we were.

All just pretty as a picture.

First, there was Gypsy Gurwitz.

Got pregnantized by a Tupperware salesman right after he sold her some

Strange girl.

And School Marm Bell.

Delicate as a rose petal and pure as the drifted snow.

Only been plowed a dozen times.

And Frizzy Head Lou had a body on her wouldn't quit.

But her head looked like she was a fugitive from a Marcel Wave contest up

Moose Jaw.

And little old Piano Lil from Pantherville tickling them there

Played weird songs like Where Will You Be Headed tonight.

And then there was Aunt Acid.

Just a lovely little thing.

Had eyes on her as big as silver dollars.

And she had hands quick enough to grab them faster than you could see.

E pluribus unum.

So like I say, there we were. A playing host to, of all people in the

world, but the McNasty brothers.

But like my mother, Gertrude Sham, used to say, dollar

is a dollar is a dollar.

And Mom knows best.

Thank you.

What are you doing here?

Hey, everybody.

Hey, what do you say, partner?

I think it's showtime.

I'll prove it.

It is pretty bad, isn't it?

As soon as the liquor salesman comes in, we'll change that order.

Take the whole bottle.

I don't know what to think about this.

What's the matter with you?

There's nothing wrong with that.

Decadent. Decadent? You worry too much.

What now?

Huh? What now?

I think you'll be thinking that the ABC will be popping in on us, I suppose,

right? Yeah, good. Some people.

Come on, give us some more.

Weird.

Strange.

Let's move it here.

Can I have a glass?

No, no, no. We don't serve glasses like that.

Wait a minute.

I want you to be sure. You too, you too.

On the left down.

There you are.

You're a car yourself.

Now, now, now.

Whoops. Not on that one.

How about some more booze down here, Bucky?

Give me a... Finish this one first.

All right. Hey, Brother Bud.

Hey, Brother Bud. Good hooch. You're glad.

Brother Bud, how you doing down here? Is there anything I can find around here

for you?

He's doing all right. He's doing all right.

He's taking care of it all.

It was on a night like this.

Evenings are crowded with memories.

Thrilling me again.

Like that night in Spain.

Someone is sharing my...

Wonder does she grieve every lovely evening.

In a little Spanish town, it was on a night like this.

Stars were peekabooing down, it was on a night like this.

I whispered.

I'm still teasing my heart

Yeah, somebody's smoking dope.

Oh, smoking dope. I don't know any dopes.

Look at that.

I don't know.

This beats me.

I don't know either. We're not making any money. Everybody around here is

fun. That's right. I just can't even figure a way out of this. How do we

Those bitches those three of them. Yeah Yeah,

so

we'll get the rest of the money that they got in their pockets

Yeah,

we'll be rich.

This is gonna be good. We gotta quit.

What is overcome with me? You're strong, you get along.

You're strong, you get along. Oh, God, how that is wrong.

You're strong, you get along.

can't you see that I have wings

Every day I thank you Lord, thank you Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma.

Sam, raise your right hand.

I'm the sheriff again.

Now it's time to go after that reward why don't you start yourself a little

fight

Buffalo, you're a no -good, sorrow bitch.

I'm going to tell your mother, motherfucker, get outside.

Don't forget to cut me in now.

Don't worry.

Well,

why don't you check? Just check and see.

See if things are going all right in our way.

We've got to go fight a gun fight. We'll be right back.

Come on, I'm fast. I'm going to kill you. You may be fast, McNasty, but I got

a white hat. I'll kill you, Willis.

What kind of scheme do you have going here, Sham? Oh, now don't you worry your

pretty little head about what old Sheriff Sham's going to do. I got

under control.

I'm going to make that money, and you better believe it.

Don't worry about it.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Don't worry. No, no, this is going to be good.

I'll even have a little drink to that.

Yes, indeed.

Oh, the boys are getting along.

Well,

thank you kindly.

Here's to your health.

Come on, drink up, Joe.

Oh, yes.

I think I can buy them straight.

They're having a fight out there, a gunfight, a real one.

He called me a son of a bitch.

He called you a son of a bitch. Well, there's a son of a bitch right here.

that feet -fag -looking gambler dude.

Hey, just one minute. That feet -fag -looking gambler dude just happens to be

uncle, McManus.

What's going on, boy?

Uncle, that ugly -looking man just called you a feet -fag -looking son of a

bitch. A feet -fag -looking son of a bitch.

If there's any a feet -fag -looking son of a bitch, it's that no -good half

-assed black fart.

What's going on here anyway, Buffalo?

He just called you son of a bitch, brother.

If there's a son of a bitch around here, it's that half -ass, goddammit, beat

intellectual snob bartender!

Now, wait a minute, boy.

That half -ass, defeat intellectual snob bartender just happens to be my ex

-father -in -law.

All right, you sons of bitches!

There are cowboy songs that tell the tales of how the West was won.

Cattle drives mangled lives beneath the desert sun.

There are Indian raids, escapades, and drinking bouts for weeks.

Little Known is the story's song.

A pound of sewer by three.

Three deserters from the Calvary roamed through those state drug deals.

The meanest bunch of miscreants from here to Suffolk Wells.

The name was called McNasty.

Curse me to rot and hide.

There's Bart, Fun, Buffalo.

And the three rode side by side.

The guys were mean, the guns were fast, their manners bold and crude.

They had no call with Jesus, see, in moral turpitude, whatever the

hell that is.

They spent the days just raising hell and booze and smoking pot.

In search of further trips.

Well, they didn't count on Sheriff Sham to foil their evil schemes.

And his partner from old Mexico to call the golden dreams.

And all the girls in the sewer pipe as fast as they were screwed.

And kid to kid, the local stud and his gambling uncle do.

Back nasty times were had and gone, they'd mend their evil ways.

And right up to now in Sewer Pipe Creek, the bones were all displayed.

Well, there ain't no doubt about the outcome of that there gunfight.

Other than to say, everybody's aim was pretty good, especially Black

Parts. Old Bart's bullet hit me right in the badge, stove in my rib cage,

collapsed my left lung, and rammed that badge and my heart right up

alongside my backbone.

But it's okay now.

The only time it hurts is when some idiot comes up and slaps me on the back.

my lovely girl.