Original subtitles

Hey Chels! - Hey!

Happy birthday!

How'd you know it was my birthday?

Oh, Jenn Conch told me about your party.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Oh, from Jenn Conch!

Wow!

"Chelsea's surprise very special milestone fortieth.

"Shh! It's tonight.

"Don't say anything to her."

I guess she CC'd you by accident.

Another one incoming.

This time it's a reply all.

"Oopsies! Tee Hee!

"How do you take someone off an email?"

If she had two brains she'd be twice as stupid.

Oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!

There's more.

This time she forwarded it to the IT department.

"How do I scrub my entire email history

"from the beginning of time?"

Here comes the brainiac now.

Hey, Chels!

So, a casual question.

Uh, what are you up to tonight?

Attending the surprise party I'm not supposed to know about?

Who told you?

You did. A bunch of times.

Okay, my laptop has too many buttons

so it's like a trap.

Hey, I just wanted to let you know

I can't make to your surprise party.

It's my first annual Meat'n Sauna Night.

Yeah! - Meat for six. We meet at six.

Sorry, Jenn. A bunch of us already RSVP'd

to Taser's meat fest.

It's gonna be awesome!

What? Can I come?

Oh my god, yes!

Okay.

Uh, Chelsea, you have to attend your own surprise party.

I'm just not really a surprise person.

Well, everybody secretly wants a surprise party.

Hmm... - Uhhh...

Well just cancel your party.

What? - Why?

Feels very cancellable, right?

It's got that click "Maybe I'm attending"

but I'm probably gonna bail energy.

No way! I already dropped the girls at their mom's

and I've had ribs smoking for a day now

so they gotta be eaten tonight.

Nice!

Well it's just that, uh,

you know, I put a big deposit down at The Pipe.

All right, I'll...

come.

Sorry.

It's gonna be really fun.

It's just gonna be us Conch gals, you know?

Girls night! - Meat night!

Girls night!

Meat night! - Girls night!

Girls night! - Meat night!

Gotcha.

Good one.

Meat smash! - Oh.

Meat night!

Have fun tonight, girls!

Sad I'm gonna miss.

Fuck you, Todd!

Who keeps stealing my lasagna?

Do I look like Garfield's bitch?

That's exactly what you look like.

A hundred fucking percent.

Luckily, I brought my backup spaghetti.

Four minutes!

Ice fucking cold.

Out of the way. - The fuck?

You can't just bud in line.

Oh what? All of a sudden you're an electrician?

Yeah.

Oh, that's the good duct tape.

Why is a carp fixing the microwave?

So I can do whatever I want.

Just help yourself. No, no, no -

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Guys, lots of backseat workers here.

Don't see any of you lifting a finger to fix it.

Who the hell microwaves egg salad?

You eat your Cheetos with milk!

Oh, hey Audrey, here you are!

Uh, kind of busy. Microwave exploded.

I'm not stealing it.

So I need you to help me with Chelsea's surprise party.

She's not really a surprise person so...

I know.

All the more reason to double the fuck down,

you know?

So I need you to pick her up and take her to the venue.

Ms. Conch! - Ummmmm...

You cc'd Chelsea on the surprise party email!

I know that, Janet.

Don't hinder me. Help me.

Just pitch me some fun party ideas.

Penis straws!

Yeah, um, I went to a party once

and there were penis straws there and they were...

a lot of fun.

Penis straws.

Well now you have my attention.

Okay. Are they bendy or...

or rigid?

Rigid.

Rigid and, um, hot pink

and kind of, uh, curved at the end, like...

almost like a question mark.

Like it was asking

do you want another spicy margarita?

Yes I do, Mr. Straw?

Yes!

Um, well, Chelsea's gay

so maybe don't hand her a drink with a tiny plastic dick on it.

Good point.

I will drink them. I will drink them all.

All right, expedite those now, Janet.

Okay. - Come on.

I will see you and Chelsea tonight at the party.

Okay? Pick her up.

Oh my god!

Fuck my life!

Shit!

Where the fuck you taking us, Tase?

Ooh! Wait till you see what I got you for tonight, boys.

What's with the fucking hat?

It's a banya.

You look like Sherlock Holmes in the bathtub.

Jesus Christ! - Look it up.

There she is.

There's no fucking way that's up to code.

Yeah. My code.

I'm just kinda doing my own thing. Come on!

Does it even have a carbon monoxide detector?

Pssh. Loser detectors I call them.

Smells good.

You know, we could just call 911 now

and save them a trip later.

It's already so sweaty in here.

Yeah, can you pre-book an ambulance?

Come on, man, the heat's good for ya.

Ohh. Nice touch, Tase.

Where the hell did you get these?

Not bad.

Imperial Valley Hotel Express.

Nothing but the best for my buds, right?

Steam, sweat and eat ribs!

Yeah buddy! - Oh ho ho ho! Yeah!

Hey, turn up the music!

Oh yeah. Those look amazing!

Yeah, boys, I'll throw some more logs on the fire.

Could we get some frozen margs, please?

Make it three.

Sorry, Senorita. No ice.

Machine es muerta.

Machine no work.

Machine no work?

This is a bar!

And yet this is where we find ourselves, sans glace.

They're here! They're here.

They're here. Everyone hide!

Everyone hide!

Hide, hide, hide, hide, hide!

I cannot stress this enough.

She knows about this.

Woo! - We're here.

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Just what I wanted.

Don't you love it?!

So, um, everyone come out, come out wherever you are.

Surprise.

Happy fucking birthday!

Oh. Hi!

Surprise! - Oh!

Penis straws!

Ugh. Ah...

So thoughtful.

Thanks.

Holy shit, my bag is sweating now.

Oh god, I got the meat sweats.

Todd, pass me a beer, would ya?

Here you go, bro.

Get her in ya.

Oh! - Oh!

Ahhhhhhhh! - That'll work too.

That'll cool ya off.

Ahhh! - That is a good idea.

Do it, Dewey!

My turn. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah, soak it, Dew!

Ahhhhh!

Come on, Dewey, whatcha got?

This is the best ever!

Yes, Dewey!

Hey, boys!

Where's the meat?

Hey, get in here!

Close it up. Keep the heat in.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh. I'm sorry I'm late.

I'm ready to get crazy, boys.

Where the fuck were you?

Oh! I was at my duck blind.

You pricks already started eating without me?

Another beer! Medium light!

Getting rumbly in your tumbly?

Oh yes!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Oh. - He's ready.

Yeah! Yeah!

Backwoods gets insane when he's scarfing down ribs.

Eat up, brother.

There's more meat where that came from.

Holy shit, dude. Pace yourself.

Oh ho ho ho! - There's Meatwoods!

Here we go.

Oh yeah!

Birthday girl.

Nice!

Boss of the birthday girl.

Yes!

And Janet.

Don't post that, Janet.

Too late!

No, no, Janet...

Our entertainment is thirty seconds away.

Who... who's thirty seconds away?

What did you do?

Brace yourselves, ladies.

Oh, I don't like the sound of that.

Okay, close your eyes.

Come on, close your eyes. - No thanks.

Come on, the surprise is almost here.

I'm off duty. - Okay.

Ooh, high-tech.

Yeah.

It is like we're at a rock concert.

Ladies and ladies,

happy Chelsea night!

Open your eyes. - Oh Jesus.

Oh my god! - Good to go?

Take it away!

Oh god!

No, no, no!

Ladies!

Oh, look at that butt!

Surprise, Chelsea!

Ugh.

Billy? What the fuck?

Ooh yeah! - Ooh!

I can't help myself around meat.

Yeah, boy. It doesn't look good.

Makes me crazy.

Is it the five pounds of meat

or the twelve beer you just drank?

Small sips.

I think you're making it worse, man.

This will pass.

I once had an uncle who ate two rotisserie chickens

in one sitting, bones and all.

He crushed a tall boy,

burped for thirty seconds

and then mowed the lawn like nothing fucking happened.

See? Progress.

Get it out. - I still feel like shit.

The food build-up

must've reached his lower stomach by now.

We need to exercise it out of him gently,

like a baby.

You better back up, bud.

You better back up.

Work with me. Come on!

Okay.

Cool, cool!

Everyone's, uh, looking loosey-goosey.

Yeah. Good times?

Hey, quick ask. - What now?

You fellas help me move a small fridge?

Absolutely not.

It's in my basement.

We can move it up the back of my steps to my garage real quick.

Fuck you Taser!

If we've got the momentum,

then maybe we can get to the L-shaped couch too.

Not fucking happening!

Fuck you!

That's fair, that's fair.

You do your thing, you digest,

but enjoy the freshly scented room.

See ya in five minutes.

Fuck off!

Where'd you find him? A parking lot?

Uh, DudeDash.

It's like a food delivery app

but for erotic dancers.

Why? - Sorry, Chels.

I tried to tell them.

Couldn't get a lady stripper?

Oh I could have, yeah,

but they were way more expensive.

And besides, he's like a local talent.

Oh and, uh, ladies,

if, uh, you could gimme a nice review,

you know, it doesn't have to be nothing long.

Just like, you know, I showed up on time,

easy on the eyes, you know, five stars.

No stars!

This is not happening.

Do you think she's having fun?

Hey Chels, happy birthday, girlfriend!

Woo!

Living the dream.

Call her "The Beast".

Half appliance, half curse.

She's been down here fourteen years, boys.

What?

Nobody's moved her.

Not because they didn't try,

'cause she didn't wanna be moved.

She survived a flood,

a blackout and a bear attack.

Fuck! - What kind of bear?

Big! - Hmm.

She may give off some chemical smell

but she still makes ice.

And that noise.

Chemical schmengler.

It's how she talks.

If you listen close, she'll speak to you.

Uh...

Sup motherfuckers!

Oh my gosh!

Medhi!

The fuck were you, man?

How was Sarnia?

Uh, Namibia, actually.

Uranium conference was a total cock scratch

but happy to be home.

Where are all the kids?

Kids? What kids?

I wouldn't miss Mary Francis' birthday, hmm?

About that, Medhi.

I just needed help moving this fridge.

What?

He lured everyone here

and love bombed us with sauna ribs.

Mmm.

Yeah. You always ask why I don't trust?

This is why I don't trust.

Oh come on. I've helped you all move some sort of shit

at some point or other.

Don't even pretend like I haven't.

You helped me move a small ottoman once

and you kept the fucking thing.

Oh, that's where that came from.

Fuck it! Enough talk.

These hernias aren't gonna bulge themselves.

The sooner we do this,

the sooner we can get back to drinking.

Yes!

Oh! - What the?

It's alive!

She knows we're coming for her.

Fossil kit.

Sweet.

I need more meat.

Is that a sausage?

He's at stage eight: Hallucinations.

Okay ladies, break's almost over.

Don't forg to tip.

Oh, five stars for me, Billy.

What?

What do you say?

One more spin around the horn for old time's sake?

Hard pass. No.

How hard?

What? You in like a relationship or like in love or something?

Oh, is it with that dude down at the marina

with the pet bald eagle?

Who are you talking about?

You know, the guy with the like tattoos on his wing?

How do you know that, Billy?

Everybody knows.

You okay, buddy?

Yeah. I've never been happier.

Oh. Um...

Okay, I think I got it.

What do you think? - Aw!

Come on, get your fucking shit together.

Posted!

Anyway, you're, like, sticking around?

'Cause, like, I've got this new number that I do,

real showstopper.

I could really use some assistance.

Ow!

Fuck off, Billy. Your agent's on the phone.

Oh shit!

It must be the 'roids commercial.

Oh my god, I have been with some fucking losers.

Girl, you gotta type.

Except for Chelsea.

Is this your wedding cake?

Yeah, my third one.

Got some from the second one in here somewhere.

My lasagna!

That's my Tupperware.

What? - My name's on it.

No, it's not.

Dewey, snap to it.

Come on! We gotta move The Beast across the floor,

around the corner and up those back stairs.

Oh. - Yes.

Those look far away. - Oh, Christ!

Are you serious?

They're just right there.

Grab a corner and I'll navigate.

Seriously? - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Why the fuck do you get to navigate?

That's the easiest part.

Four guys, four corners.

Bullshit! - Okay.

Look, none of you assholes helped

when I had to move, all right?

I had to drag a futon up three flights of stairs.

Taser said he wasn't built for staircases.

Oh!

What the fuck are you actually built for?

Alimony, apparently. Come on.

Oh for fuck sakes!

Come on. It's not that bad.

All right, I'll take that far corner.

It's not as heavy. My back's-

No, no, no, I want that corner.

Look... - Back off.

I'm gonna count us in.

One, two, three. Lift!

Dewey! - Fuck!

You gotta lift when you say lift.

Okay, all right.

Fuck's sake!

Come on!

Heave!

Fuck a duck walk!

Oh, duck walk!

What is a duck walk?

Shut the fuck up about the duck walk!

Left to right!

That isn't gonna work, Dewey!

No, no, no, it's stuck.

Put it down!

Ahhhhh!

Are you okay?

Oh fuck!

He'll be all right.

It's okay. I'll get it - You'll be fine.

He's all right. He's all right.

Let's keep going. This side. - Fucker!

Careful! - Ahhhh! My hand!

Ah! Motherfucker!

Ah! My- - This Beast is cursed!

It should be left to die like the animal that it is.

No!

We're taking this piece of shit to the dump right now!

All right. Regroup.

Come on, guys. - Ah! Ah!

One!

Two!

Three! - Dewey!

And- - If you say "lift"

and don't lift one more time,

I swear I'm gonna fold you in half

and stuff you in this fucking fridge!

Okay, I will lift.

And lift!

Holy fuck this heavy!

Ow! My hand!

I'm pinned! I'm pinned!

Watch out, watch out, watch out!

Ahhhhhhh!

This thing got me in the eyeball!

It's a spitting cobra!

And there goes the freon line.

Hey, great work, Dewey!

Hey, take a breather!

You'll be fine. There you go.

Okay. Enough!

Why are we even trying to move this piece of shit?

Piece of shit?!

This is all I got left from my dad.

What?

Yeah, that's right.

Before he got sick, my dad loved pickling.

Pickling?

He stored it all here in The Beast.

It kept him busy during some trying times.

He loved it. He pickled everything:

Eggs, peppers, pig's feet.

Okay, you lost me at pig's feet.

Sauerbraten? - Sauerbraten.

It's good. - Yeah.

And after he passed, everything else got sold.

His clothes. - Terrible!

Stereo, his prosthetic leg.

Oh, Jesus! - Except for this beauty.

She stayed. - What the fuck?

But yeah. - Ooh hoo! Ooh.

Ooh.

Oh no! Billy you weasel.

Audrey, why are you letting this happen?

Please.

It brought people together with his pickles.

I'm sorry, man. - Yeah.

Thanks guys.

This is fucked!

Oh, thanks for breaking the mood, Backwoods.

Look who finally decided to show up to the moving part.

You guys said you wanted some fucking help?

Have at it.

Let's fucking get it!

Good luck!

All right, uh, thanks for helping.

We're gonna take a break.

Good luck!

We got some ribs and beers upstairs, boys.

Oh my god!

At least I left this shithole

and made something outta my life in the big show.

Hmm.

Is that you?

Absolutely, birthday girl!

What's with all the fucking dicks?

God. Look, I got one here.

Let me sign it for ya for your birthday, special from me.

You know...

So, uh, what's your deal?

Like, uh, accounting? Office clerk? Uh...

Nope. - Oh!

Big boss lady.

No. I work for her.

Yeah! Yeah!

Like, look at that.

Oh my god!

You work for that trainwreck?

Send it.

Yep, it'll be on my tombstone.

Babysat a nepo baby all day at work

and made her a ton of money.

And died lonely.

I'm gonna go get aggressively fucked up now.

This is forty? This is forty?

Oh! No.

Oh, you have to take one of these. Please.

FUCK!

Sorry.

Video message? Really?

Hey Chelsea.

It's Donnie again, from CornPulse.

You didn't return any of my other calls

so I'll get right to it.

Our VP of Operations just stepped down.

You free for a chat?

Ah, shit!

Fuck, that thing's stuck!

That's not going anywhere.

I guess I can't use my back door anymore.

Dewey, what the fuck?

Uh, mild freon exposure.

Probably under 400 OEL.

He'll be fine.

You know, Taser, I'm so sorry.

I didn't know your father passed. It's, uh...

But, you know, the way you spoke about him,

it was so, so vivid.

It was like he was still alive.

He is.

I lied.

What?!

I made up all the stuff about the fridge

and all the stuff about my dad.

I wanted the fridge to seem more meaningful

so you guys would help.

Even the Sauerbraten part?

Yeah.

Dick moves, man. You conned us!

Ahhhhhh!

She's coming back for more!

Ahhhhhh!

Ahhhh!

The Beast is toast.

Sorry, Tase. I really needed that.

Glad I could help.

You did shit. - Useless.

Taser, your dad would've been proud of you.

I just know it.

Were you not here for 'his dad's alive' part or what?

Maybe.

Well, time to move that L-shaped couch, boys.

Come on!

No way! - Fuck yourself!

Fuck that! - FUCK OFF!

I'm shot!

Oh. Fuck my life!

♪ Take the world in a love embrace ♪

What is happening now?

♪ Fire all of your guns at once and explode into space ♪

Ew, he's spitting on her.

Okay, bye.

Oh my god, you need to wash that mane.

♪ Heavy metal thunder!

♪ Racing with the wind down ♪

Okay, get back a little bit.

♪ And the feeling that I'm under ♪

♪ Hey! Yeah, darlin', gonna make it happen. ♪

Fucking yes! Chelsea!

♪ Take the world in a love embrace ♪

I fucking love this song!

♪ Fire all of your guns at once and explode into space ♪

Chelsea! Chelsea! Chelsea!

♪ Like a true nature's child ♪

♪ I'm going out tonight

♪ I'm feeling all right

♪ I'm gonna let it all hang out ♪

Okay, so let me get this straight.

You were in the game? You did erotic dance?

Yeah. I did. For a bit.

I did the swinging cage.

Wow!

And advanced pole. Yeah.

Those are my two specialties.

You did the pole.

No, man. I'm self-taught.

That's, that's impressive.

Oh. Yeah. I ran as Pheromone Rush.

You know, that's ringing a bell.

Yeah, I'm not surprised. - Wow.

You know, back then I was cut,

I was ripped.

I had a nice kind of physique going

but now you know what I...

Come on! I can see it.

Well, hate to leave ya for the ladies, bud.

But yep, good. - Yeah.

♪ Oh-oh-oh, get in the action ♪

Yeah, you guys coming.

I fucking love this song!

♪ Colour my hair, do what I dare

♪ Oh-oh-oh, I wanna be free, yeah

Billy!

♪ To feel the way I feel ♪

Oh!

♪ Man, I feel like a woman ♪

Come on, Barb!

Come on, Barb. Shred it!

Woo!

Come on, Barb!

Who wants tequila? You want some?

Chelsea, get over here!

Let's go, Chelsea!

♪ The best thing about being a woman ♪

What?

♪ Is the prerogative to have a little fun

♪ Fun! Fun! ♪

Have fun!

♪ Oh-oh-oh, go totally crazy

♪ Forget I'm a lady

♪ Men's shirts, short skirts

Come on, ladies!

♪ Oh-oh-oh, really go wild, yeah

♪ Doin' it in style

♪ Oh-oh-oh, get in the action

♪ Feel the attraction

♪ Colour my hair, do what I dare ♪

♪ To feel the way I feel ♪

More beers for the ladies.

We're thirsty!

Tequila!

Come on, girls!

Oh yeah.

Come on, baby!

Holy shit, we're good!