All language subtitles for The.Man.Who.Came.To.Dinner.1942.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX].eng

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

OH, TO THINK! TO THINK
THAT THIS GREAT MAN

IS COMING TO OUR
HOUSE FOR DINNER!

ERNEST, ERNEST,
AREN'T YOU THRILLED?

DEPENDS.
WHAT'RE WE HAVING FOR DINNER?

ERNEST!

IF HE'S GONNA SHAVE
AT OUR HOUSE,

HE'S NOT GONNA USE MY RAZOR.
HUSH, ERNEST.

SOMEBODY
WILL HEAR YOU.

HELLO, LONI.

MR. WHITESIDE'S
BEARD

IS WHAT MAKES HIM
SO DISTINGUISHED.

IT IS, HUH?

YOU JUST HIDE
MY RAZOR FOR 3 DAYS.

MAYBE I'LL LOOK DISTINGUISHED
ENOUGH TO GET $1,500 A
LECTURE.

HAVEN'T YOU A BIT
OF CULTURE IN YOU?

HAVEN'T YOU ANY
RESPECT FOR THIS--

THIS FIRST MAN
OF AMERICAN LETTERS?

HE MAY BE THE FIRST MAN OF
AMERICAN LETTERS,

BUT DON'T FORGET-- I RATE
PRETTY
HIGH IN BALL BEARINGS.

AT LEAST I'M IN
A DEFENSE INDUSTRY.
OH, ERNEST.

I'M SO EXCITED!

[TRAIN BELL RINGING]

I SIMPLY WILL NOT
SIT DOWN AT DINNER

WITH MIDWESTERN
BARBARIANS.

I THINK TOO HIGHLY
OF MY DIGESTIVE SYSTEM.

HARRY CLARK IS ONE
OF YOUR OLDEST FRIENDS.

MY STOMACH
IS AN OLDER ONE.

AND MRS. STANLEY IS
PRESIDENT
OF THE WOMEN'S CLUB.

I WOULDN'T CARE IF SHE
WAS THE WHOLE CABINET.

AND IT'S IMPORTANT TO HARRY'S
FUTURE LECTURE BOOKINGS.

YOU CAN'T
LET HIM DOWN.

ERNEST, THERE HE IS!
THERE HE IS!

THAT'S PROBABLY
MRS. STANLEY.

OHH!

I WON'T BUDGE.

COME ON,
BABYKINS.

HE LOOKS JUST LIKE
HIS PICTURE,

DOESN'T HE? OH!

YOU KNOW,
SHERRY,

YOU HAVE ONE GREAT
ADVANTAGE

OVER EVERYONE ELSE
IN THE WORLD.

YOU'VE NEVER HAD TO MEET
SHERIDAN WHITESIDE.

OH, MR. WHITESIDE!
PLEASE! PLEASE!

MAY I HAVE
YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

STAND BACK, PLEASE.

DON'T COME TOO CLOSE.

I HAVE SEVERAL
CONTAGIOUS DISEASES.

MAGGIE, MY DEAR,

WOULD YOU RUN
INTERFERENCE FOR ME?

Maggie: WOULD YOU
PLEASE STEP BACK?

MR. WHITESIDE
IS IN A GREAT RUSH.

OH, DEAR MR. WHITESIDE.

I'M MRS. ERNEST STANLEY,
AND THIS IS MR. STANLEY.

YOU ARE COMING TO DINNER,
AREN'T YOU?

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

MRS. STANLEY, MR. WHITESIDE IS
HAVING HIS LITTLE JOKE.

HE'D BE DELIGHTED
TO COME TO DINNER.

OH, HOW NICE OF YOU!

I'M MISS CUTLER,
MR. WHITESIDE'S SECRETARY.

OH, AND YOU WILL
COME, TOO, OF COURSE.

OH, MR. WHITESIDE,
IT IS SIMPLY WONDERFUL!

DID YOU HAVE
A PLEASANT TRIP?

CHARMING.

I KILLED A WOMAN
IN THE NEXT COMPARTMENT.

SHE ASKED ME TO LUNCH.

OH! HA HA HA!

HAVE YOU LADIES
SEEN MR. WHITESIDE?

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

OH, THANKS A LOT.

BE SURE THAT GOES
TO THE MANSION HOUSE.
YES, SIR.

I'M SORRY I'M LATE,
MR. WHITESIDE.

I'M JEFFERSON OF
THE MESALIA JOURNAL.

MIND IF I ASK YOU
A FEW QUESTIONS?

MIND IF I ASK YOU ONE?

OF COURSE NOT.

HAVE YOU GOT A DOLLAR?

WHY, SURE.

THANK YOU.

HOPE IT'S NOT
COUNTERFEIT.

THANK YOU, SIR.

DRIVE ON!

WELL,
HERE WE ARE.

OF COURSE, MESALIA ISN'T A
BIG
TOWN, MR. WHITESIDE,

BUT IT'S SIMPLY
FILLED WITH CULTURE.

THE NIGHT YOU LECTURE,
EVERYONE STAYS HOME,

EXCEPT IF ERROL FLYNN
IS PLAYING, OF COURSE.

MESALIA HAS MANY
POINTS OF INTEREST.

THERE'S
THE CRYSTAL CAVE.

THAT'S JUST A SHORT
DRIVE FROM HERE.

AND THE PETRIFIED
ANIMALS.

ARE THEY COMING
TO DINNER, TOO?

HA HA HA!

OH!

AH! AH! AH!

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

OH! OH, MAGGIE!
MAGGIE!

OH! OH! OH, MAGGIE!

GET ME OUT OF HERE!
OH! OH!

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

OKAY. OKAY.

HEY, SHERIDAN WHITESIDE
FELL ON HIS--

PRATT, GIVE ME
500 WORDS ON THAT.

YES, MISS BARRYMORE. I'LL SEE
THAT HE GETS YOUR MESSAGE.

BUT IT IS HOPED
THAT MR. WHITESIDE

WILL BE ABLE
TO RESUME HIS BROADCASTS

ON CHRISTMAS EVE. NOW A WORD TO
THOSE WHO HAVE ATHLETE'S FOOT.

I THINK THE DOCTOR
SAID IN ABOUT A WEEK.

YES. HE'S STILL CONFINED
TO HIS ROOM.

PACKAGE FOR
MR. WHITESIDE.

TELEGRAMS FOR
SHERIDAN WHITESIDE.

FLOWERS
FOR MR. WHITESIDE.

WHEELCHAIR
FOR MR. WHITESIDE.

"THE IDOL OF THE AIRWAYS
RESTS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

"AT THE HOME OF SURPRISED
MR. AND MRS. STANLEY

"OF MESALIA, OHIO.

POSSIBILITY--CHRISTMAS MAY
BE POSTPONED THIS YEAR."

OH!

OH, HOW IS HE?

IS HE COMING OUT?

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

I'LL GO, MOTHER.
OH, ALRIGHT,
RICHARD.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WHAT IS IT, JOHN?

THEY WANT PILLOWS.
THEY WANT PILLOWS.

ANYTHING I CAN DO,
MISS PREEN?
NO, THANK YOU.

Whiteside: TAKE
YOUR FISHHOOKS OFF ME!

OH!

2 MORE PACKAGES
AND MORE TELEGRAMS.

DAD'S GOING CRAZY UPSTAIRS WITH
THAT BELL RINGING ALL THE TIME.

WILL YOU ANSWER IT, DARLING?
WHAT DID YOU SAY, RICHARD?

ONE'S FROM
SAN FRANCISCO,

AND ONE'S
FROM NEW YORK.

THERE WAS SOMETHING
FROM ALASKA THIS MORNING.

A BABY SEAL, I THINK.

OH, REALLY?

Miss Preen:
I'LL GET THEM RIGHT AWAY.

HE WANTS THE METROPOLITAN
CLUB CIGARETTES.

M-M-METROPOLITAN
CLUB?

THEY HAVE THEM AT KITCHENER'S.
I'LL GET SOME.

HERE YOU ARE.
HERE ARE THE PILLOWS.
THANK YOU.

TELL ME, ARE THEY
BRINGING HIM OUT SOON?

WE'RE GETTING HIM OUTTA BED.
HE OUGHT TO BE OUT SOON.

OH, I'M SO GLAD.

Whiteside: DOESN'T THAT
BIRDBRAIN OF YOURS

EVER FUNCTION?!

HE MUST BE VERY HAPPY.

2:00? YES. I'M SURE
HE COULD TALK THEN. ALRIGHT.

MOTHER, WHO DO YOU
SUPPOSE THAT WAS?

WINSTON CHURCHILL
FROM LONDON!

WINSTON CHURCHILL
ON OUR TELEPHONE!

I'LL BE UPSTAIRS IF
YOU WANT ME, MOTHER.

WHAT? OH, YES.

TELL YOUR FATHER TO COME DOWN.
MR. WHITESIDE'S COMING OUT.

YES, YOU'LL
CALL ME?

OF COURSE, DARLING.

MR. WHITESIDE
IS COMING OUT!

DAISY, I CAN'T WAIT
ANY LONGER.

ERNEST, HE'S COMING
OUT ANY MINUTE,

AND WINSTON CHURCHILL
WAS ON THE TELEPHONE.

WE'RE IN ALL THE NATIONAL
NEWSMAGAZINES. LOOK.

"THE IDOL OF THE AIRWAYS
RESTS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

"IN THE HOME OF MR. AND MRS.
STANLEY IN MESALIA OHIO.

POSSIBILITY-- CHRISTMAS MAY BE
POSTPONED THIS YEAR."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I'M SURE IT'S A
GREAT HONOR,

BUT I DON'T LIKE
THIS KINDA PUBLICITY.

IT'S A LITTLE UPSETTING.
PHONES RINGING ALL THE TIME,

BELLS RINGING, MESSENGER BOYS
RUNNING IN AND OUT.

Whiteside: TRAPPED LIKE
A RAT IN THIS CHEESEBOX!

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

HAVE THE CIGARETTES
COME YET?

THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY.
MY SON WENT FOR THEM.

DO YOU MIND
IF I MOVE THIS CHAIR?

YOU MEAN HE'S
COMING OUT NOW?

HE IS INDEED.

OH! JUNE! JUNE!
MR. WHITESIDE'S COMING OUT!

SARAH! SARAH! BRING ME A GLASS
OF THE COW'S-FOOT JELLY

I MADE
FOR MR. WHITESIDE.

I'M EXCITED.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

OH, ME, TOO!

OH, THANK YOU, SARAH.
THANK YOU.

GOOD MORNING,
DR. BRADLEY.

GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING.

WELL, HERE WE ARE,
MERRY AND BRIGHT.

BRING IN OUR LITTLE
PATIENT, MISS PREEN.

GOOD MORNING,
MR. WHITESIDE.

I'M MRS. ERNEST STANLEY.
REMEMBER?

AND THIS IS MY HUSBAND.
HOW DO YOU DO?
I HOPE YOU'RE BETTER.

THANK YOU. I AM SUING YOU
FOR
$150,000.

HOW'S THAT?
WHAT?

I SAID THAT I AM SUING YOU
FOR $150,000.

YOU MEAN BECAUSE YOU FELL ON
OUR
STEPS, MR. WHITESIDE?

THOMAS E. DEWEY WILL
EXPLAIN
IT TO YOU IN COURT.

WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE
LIKE THE KISS OF DEATH?

OH, MY COW'S-FOOT
JELLY!

MADE FROM YOUR OWN FOOT,
I HAVE NO DOUBT.

THERE ARE A FEW SMALL
MATTERS
TO TAKE UP WITH YOU.

SINCE THIS CORNER DRUGGIST AT
MY
ELBOW TELLS ME THAT I SHALL BE

CONFINED TO THIS
MOLDY MORTUARY

FOR AT LEAST
ANOTHER 10 DAYS--

DUE ENTIRELY TO YOUR
STUPIDITY
AND NEGLIGENCE--

I SHALL HAVE TO CARRY ON MY
ACTIVITIES AS BEST I CAN.

I SHALL REQUIRE EXCLUSIVE
USE
OF THIS ROOM,

AS WELL AS THAT DRAFTY SEWER
WHICH YOU CALL THE LIBRARY.

I WANT NOBODY TO COME IN
WHILE I'M HERE.

WHAT DO YOU
MEAN, SIR?

WE'VE TO GO UP THOSE STAIRS
TO GET TO OUR ROOMS.

ISN'T THERE
A BACK ENTRANCE?

WHY, YES.
WELL, THEN USE THAT.

I SHALL ALSO REQUIRE A ROOM FOR
MY SECRETARY-- MISS CUTLER.

THERE'LL BE A MANY
INCOMING AND OUTGOING CALLS,

SO PLEASE DO NOT
USE THE TELEPHONE.

I SLEEP UNTIL NOON
AND MUST HAVE QUIET

THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE
UNTIL THAT HOUR.

THERE'LL BE 5 FOR LUNCH
TODAY.
WHERE'S THE COOK?

MR. WHITESIDE,
IF I MAY INTERRUPT--
YOU MAY NOT, SIR.

WILL YOU TAKE YOUR CLAMMY
HAND OFF MY CHAIR?

YOU HAVE THE TOUCH OF
A LOVE-STARVED COBRA.

AND NOW WILL YOU ALL
LEAVE QUIETLY.

MUST I ASK MISS CUTLER TO PASS
AMONG YOU WITH A BASEBALL BAT?

LOOK HERE, MR. WHITESIDE--
THERE IS NOTHING
TO DISCUSS, SIR.

CONSIDERING THE DAMAGE THAT
I'VE
SUFFERED AT YOUR HANDS,

I'M ASKING VERY LITTLE.
GOOD DAY.

I'LL CALL YOU FROM
THE OFFICE LATER, DAISY.

NOT ON THIS PHONE,
PLEASE.

HERE IS THE MENU
FOR LUNCH.

BUT I--I'VE
ORDERED LUNCH.

IT'LL BE SENT UP TO YOU.

I'M USING THE DINING ROOM
FOR MY GUESTS.

WHERE ARE THOSE
CIGARETTES?

WHY, MY--MY SON
WENT TO GET THEM.

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE-- HERE,
SARAH. THE MENU FOR LUNCH.

I'LL HAVE MINE
ON A TRAY UPSTAIRS.

YES, MA'AM.

YOUNG LADY, I CANNOT
STAND INDECISION.

WILL YOU EITHER GO UP THOSE
STAIRS OR COME DOWN THEM?

[WHISPERS]
No, darling.

OH, GOOD MORNING.
I'M SORRY I'M SO LATE.

I HAD TO GO
TO 3 DIFFERENT STORES.

HOW DID YOU TRAVEL,
BY OXCART?

RICHARD.

IS THERE ANYONE IN THE WORLD
WHO SUFFERS AS I DO

FROM THE GROSS INADEQUACIES
OF THE HUMAN RACE?

WHERE YOU GOING? KEEP THOSE
CANAL BOATS AWAY FROM ME.

GO IN AND READ THE LIFE
OF FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE

AND LEARN HOW UNFITTED YOU ARE
FOR YOUR CHOSEN PROFESSION.

WELL, I THINK I CAN
SAFELY LEAVE YOU

IN MISS CUTLER'S
CAPABLE HANDS.

SHALL I LOOK IN AGAIN
THIS AFTERNOON?

IF YOU DO, I SHALL
SPIT RIGHT IN YOUR EYE.

HA HA HA!

WHAT A SENSE OF HUMOR
YOU WRITERS HAVE.

OH, BY THE WAY, IT'S REALLY
NOT WORTH MENTIONING,

BUT I'VE BEEN DOING
A LITTLE WRITING MYSELF

ABOUT MY MEDICAL
EXPERIENCES.

AM I TO BE
SPARED NOTHING?

WOULD IT BE
TOO MUCH TO ASK YOU

TO GLANCE OVER IT
WHILE YOU'RE HERE?

TRAPPED.

WHY, UH...

WELL, I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE
A COPY OF IT WITH ME.

40 YEARS
AN OHIO DOCTOR:

THE STORY OF A
HUMBLE PRACTITIONER

I SHALL DROP EVERYTHING.
I'M MUCH OBLIGED.

I HOPE YOU LIKE IT. WELL,
I'LL SEE YOU ON THE MORROW.

UH, KEEP THAT HIP QUIET

AND, UH, DON'T FORGET
THOSE LITTLE PILLS.

MAGGIE, WILL YOU TAKE
40 YEARS AN OHIO BUTCHER

OR WHATEVER IT'S CALLED?

I MUST SAY, SHERRY, YOU HAVE
CERTAINLY BEHAVED

WITH YOUR ACCUSTOMED
GRACE AND CHARM.

I'M IN NO MOOD TO DISCUSS
MY BEHAVIOR, GOOD OR BAD.

I DIDN'T WISH TO CROSS
THIS CHEERLESS THRESHOLD.

I WAS HOUNDED
AND BADGERED INTO IT.

NOW I FIND MYSELF, AFTER 2
WEEKS
OF RACKING PAIN,

ACCUSED OF BEHAVING
WITHOUT CHARM.

WHAT WOULD YOU
HAVE ME DO, KISS THEM?

VERY WELL, SHERRY.

AFTER 10 YEARS,
I SHOULD KNOW BETTER

THAN TO TRY AND IMPROVE
YOUR MANNERS.

WHEN I FINALLY
LEAVE THIS JOB,

I MAY WRITE A BOOK
ABOUT IT.

THROUGH THE YEARS
WITH PRINCE CHARMING.

LISTEN, REPULSIVE, IF WE MAY
DISMISS THE SUBJECT OF MY
CHARM,

FOR WHICH, INCIDENTALLY,
I RECEIVE $1,500 PER
APPEARANCE,

POSSIBLY WE CAN
GET TO WORK.

OH, NO, WE CAN'T.

MY NAME
IS HARRIET STANLEY.

I KNOW YOU ARE
SHERIDAN WHITESIDE.

I SAW THIS HOLLY FRAMED GREEN
AGAINST THE PINE TREES.

I REMEMBERED WHAT
YOU'D WRITTEN ABOUT TESS

AND JUDE THE OBSCURE.

IT WAS THE NICEST PRESENT
I COULD BRING YOU.

AND WHAT, MAY I ASK,
WAS THAT?

THAT WAS MR. STANLEY'S
SISTER HARRIET.

I'VE TALKED TO HER A FEW
TIMES.
SHE'S QUITE STRANGE.

STRANGE?
SHE'S RIGHT OUT OF

THE HOUND
OF THE BASKERVILLES

YOU KNOW, I'VE SEEN THAT
FACE BEFORE SOMEWHERE.

NONSENSE, SHERRY.
YOU COULDN'T HAVE.

OH, WELL,
LET'S GET TO WORK.

HERE. PRESS THIS IN
THE DOCTOR'S BOOK.

DID YOU PUT THROUGH THAT
CALL TO MRS. ROOSEVELT?

YES. I CALLED HER
IN PORTLAND.

SHE'D ALREADY
LEFT FOR SAN DIEGO.

WELL, TRY HER TOMORROW IN
PHOENIX. NOW, LET ME SEE.

SEND A WIRE TO THE EDITOR
OF THE ATLANTIC MONTHLY.

"DO NOT WORRY, STINKY. COPY WILL
ARRIVE ON TIME. WHITESIDE."

AH! SEND A CABLE TO
THE DUCHESS OF WINDSOR.

"DEAR WALLY, CAN YOU AND DAVID
MEET ME, "MIAMI, FEBRUARY 20?

DINNER 8:30. WHITESIDE."

I SEE NO REASON WHY I SHOULD
ENDORSE SNUG-FIT BRASSIERES.

WHAT DATE'S THIS?
DECEMBER 10.

SEND A WIRE TO
AMERICAN BROADCASTING.

"YOU CAN SCHEDULE MY
CHRISTMAS EVE BROADCAST

"FROM YOUR NEW YORK
STUDIO,
AS I SHALL RETURN EAST

"INSTEAD OF PROCEEDING
TO HOLLYWOOD. STOP.

"FOR NEW YEAR'S EVE
BROADCAST,
WILL HAVE AS MY GUESTS

"JASCHA HEIFETZ,
HELEN HAYES,

"SCHIAPARELLI,
THE LUNTS,

DR. ALEXIS KALELL,

"WITH HAILE SELASSIE
ON SHORTWAVE

FROM ADDIS ABABA.
WHITESIDE."

WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW,
MISS STOMACH-PUMP?

IT'S YOUR PILLS.
ONE EVERY 45 MINUTES.

THERMOMETER PUSS.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

IF THAT'S
FOR MRS. STANLEY,

TELL THEM
SHE'S TOO DRUNK TO TALK.

HELLO. YES?

WHAT? PALM BEACH?

OH, JUST A MOMENT.

IT'S THAT DEAR FRIEND OF
YOURS,
MISS LORRAINE SHELDON.

OH! GIVE IT TO ME!

HELLO!

IS THIS
MY BLOSSOM GIRL?

SHERRY, YOU POOR,
SWEET DARLING.

ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO
THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE

SINCE THIS AWFUL THING
HAPPENED, YOU POOR LAMB.

OUCH, YOU FOOL!
SORRY, MADAM.

NO, NO, NO.
THAT WAS COSETTE.

DARLING, HOW YOU
MUST HAVE SUFFERED.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

ME? OH, I'M WRETCHED.

I CAN'T FIND A PLAY,
SHERRY DEAR.

I JUST DON'T THINK
I'LL EVER ACT AGAIN.

TELL ME, BLOSSOM.
WHAT MADE YOU

TAKE YOUR WHITE BODY
TO PALM BEACH?

WHO'S HOLDING YOU
CAPTIVE?

OH, LORD BOTTOMLY'S IN FROM
LONDON. SOME MISSION OR OTHER.

NOW, LOOK, DARLING, TAKE CARE OF
THAT SWEET LITTLE HIP, WILL YOU?

AND HERE'S A BIG KISS
FROM YOUR BLOSSOM GIRL.

OUCH!
SORRY, MADAM.

GOODBYE, DARLING.

GOODBYE,
MY LOTUS BLOSSOM.

MY LOTUS BLOSSOM.

LITTLE MISS STINKWEED.

PURE JEALOUSLY
IF I EVER SAW IT.

GIVE ME THOSE WIRES.

LORRAINE SHELDON,
LORD BOTTOMLY, MY AUNT FANNY.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

IF THESE PEOPLE INTEND TO
HAVE
THEIR FRIENDS USING

THE FRONT DOOR--
YOU EXPECT THEM
TO USE A ROPE LADDER?

I'LL NOT HAVE A LOT
OF ITINERANT FIREMEN

RUSHING IN AND OUT
OF THIS HOUSE.

GOOD MORNING, MR. JEFFERSON.
MORNING, JOHN.
MR. WHITESIDE IN?

YES, SIR.
THERE'S NOBODY HOME!

THE STANLEYS HAVE BEEN ARRESTED
FOR PEDDLING DOPE! GO AWAY!

GOOD MORNING. I'M JEFFERSON
OF THE MESALIA JOURNAL.

REMEMBER? MET YOU
AT THE STATION.

OH, GET RID
OF HIM, MAGGIE.

I'M SORRY. MR. WHITESIDE
IS SEEING NO ONE TODAY.

REALLY?
SO WILL YOU PLEASE
EXCUSE US?

MR. WHITESIDE SEEMS TO BE
SITTING UP AND TAKING NOTICE.

I'M AFRAID HE'S NOT TAKING
NOTICE OF THE MESALIA
JOURNAL.

IF I'M GONNA BE INSULTED, I'D
LIKE IT TO BE BY MR. WHITESIDE.

I NEVER DID LIKE
CARBON COPIES.

OH! TOUCHE IF I EVER HEARD ONE,

AND IN MESALIA, TOO,
MAGGIE DEAR.
WILL YOU PLEASE LEAVE?

HOW ABOUT AN INTERVIEW?
I NEVER GIVE THEM.
GO AWAY.

MR. WHITESIDE, IF I DON'T GET
THIS INTERVIEW, I LOSE MY JOB.

THAT'LL BE QUITE
ALRIGHT WITH ME.

YOU DON'T MEAN THAT,
MR. WHITESIDE.

YOU USED TO BE A
NEWSPAPERMAN YOURSELF.

YOU KNOW WHAT
EDITORS ARE LIKE.

MINE'S THE TOUGHEST
ONE THAT EVER LIVED.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE HIM,
GET OFF THE PAPER.

I THINK IT'S A GOOD PAPER.

WILLIAM ALLEN WHITE COULD'VE
GOT
OUTTA EMPORIA, BUT HE
DIDN'T.

YOU HAVE THE EFFRONTERY
IN MY PRESENCE

TO COMPARE YOURSELF WITH
WILLIAM ALLEN WHITE?

ONLY IN THE SENSE THAT
WHITE STAYED IN EMPORIA,

I'D LIKE TO STAY HERE
AND SAY WHAT I WANNA.

SUCH AS WHAT?
I CAN'T PUT IT
INTO WORDS, MR. WHITESIDE.

IT'D SOUND LIKE
AN AWFUL LOT OF HOOEY.

BUT THE JOURNAL
WAS MY FATHER'S PAPER.

IT'S KINDA SENTIMENTAL
POINT WITH ME, THE PAPER.

I'D LIKE TO CARRY ON
WHERE HE LEFT OFF.

AH. SO YOU OWN
THIS PAPER?
THAT'S RIGHT.

THIS TERRIFYING EDITOR, THIS
DREAD JOURNALISTIC ARMAGEDDON,

IS YOU YOURSELF.

IN A WORD, YES.

I SEE.

SHERRY, THE NEXT TIME YOU DO
NOT
WANT TO SEE ANYBODY,

JUST LET ME KNOW, AND
I'LL USHER THEM RIGHT IN.

YOUNG MAN,
COME OVER HERE.

I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE WRITTEN
THAT GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL.

NO. I'VE WRITTEN THAT
GREAT AMERICAN PLAY.

WELL, I DON'T WANT
TO READ IT.

AH! DO THESE
OLD EYES OF MINE

SEE A BOX OF GOODIES
OVER THERE?

HAND THEM TO ME,
WILL YOU?

THE TROUBLE IS, MR. WHITESIDE,
THAT YOUR BEING IN THIS TOWN

COMES UNDER THE HEADING
OF "NEWS,"

SO I GOTTA GET A STORY.

AH! PECAN
BUTTERNUT FUDGE!

OH, MY! YOU MUSTN'T EAT CANDY,
MR. WHITESIDE.

IT'S VERY BAD
FOR YOU.

MY GREAT-AUNT JENNIFER
ATE A WHOLE BOX OF CANDY

EVERY DAY OF HER LIFE.

SHE LIVED TO BE 102, AND WHEN
SHE'D BEEN DEAD 3 DAYS,

SHE LOOKED BETTER
THAN YOU DO NOW.

NOW THAT YOU'VE WON ME
WITH YOUR PRETTY WAYS--

HAVE A PIECE
OF CANDY?
THANKS.

I'LL GRANT YOU A
ONE-MINUTE INTERVIEW.

WHAT DO YOU WANNA KNOW?

HOW DO YOU THINK THE OHIO WOMEN
STACK UP AGAINST--

I'VE NEVER GONE IN FOR STACKING
UP WOMEN, SO I REALLY CAN'T SAY.

WHAT'S YOUR TAKE ON MESALIA?
HOW LONG YOU GONNA BE HERE?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
OH, VERY WELL.

A--MESALIA IS
A TOWN OF IRRESISTIBLE
CHARM.

B--I CANNOT WAIT
TO GET OUTTA IT.

C--I'M GOING
FROM HERE TO CROPFIELD

FOR MY VISIT TO THE CROPFIELD
HOME FOR PAROLED CONVICTS,

FOR WHICH I HAVE RAISED
OVER
HALF A MILLION DOLLARS.

FILCHED FROM THE POCKETS OF
AN ALL TOO GULLIBLE

AND LONG-SUFFERING PUBLIC.

WILL YOU SIGN HERE?

THIS AGING DEBUTANTE,
MR. JEFFERSON,

I RETAIN IN MY EMPLOY ONLY
BECAUSE SHE IS THE SOLE SUPPORT

OF HER TWO-HEADED
BROTHER.

THANK YOU.

DO YOU PLAY
GIN RUMMY?
I SURE DO.

FINE! HOW MUCH
CAN YOU AFFORD TO LOSE?
I GENERALLY WIN.

WE WON'T DISCUSS THAT.
COME BACK AT 8:30.

WE'LL PLAY 3-HANDED
WITH ELSIE DINSMORE.

BY THE WAY, YOU OWE ME $1.00.
WHAT'S THAT? WHAT FOR?

AT THE STATION.
THE DOLLAR YOU BORROWED.

YOU PAY A HEALTHIER
INCOME TAX THAN I DO. GIVE.

MAGGIE, MAKE OUT A CHECK FOR
THIS MISERABLE MONEY-CHANGER.

MAKE THE CHECK OUT
TO BERTRAM H.

[SIREN]

AH! THAT MUST BE
MY LUNCHEON GUESTS.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?

A FEW MURDERERS
FROM THE CROPFIELD HOME

AT THE STATE PENITENTIARY.

YOU SEE, MR. JEFFERSON, THE
FACT
THAT MR. WHITESIDE HAPPENS

TO BE THE NATION'S
FOREMOST AUTHORITY

ON MURDERS
AND MURDER TRIALS

FORMS A BOND
BETWEEN THEM.

BY THE WAY, JEFFERSON,
HOW ABOUT STAYING FOR LUNCH?

OH, GLAD TO.

THAT'LL COST YOU $1.00.

TELL THEM THERE'LL BE
ONE MORE, PLEASE, MAGGIE.

MR. WHITESIDE
AT HOME?

YEAH.
WE'RE HERE FOR LUNCH.

AH! COME RIGHT IN,
GENTLEMEN!

YOU'RE MR. WHITESIDE?
THAT'S RIGHT.

LINE UP THERE, BOYS.
GOOD MORNING,
GENTLEMEN.

HI.
HI.

JEFFERSON, THESE
LADS HAVE FORMED

A SHERIDAN WHITESIDE CLUB
AT THE STATE PENITENTIARY.

THEY LISTEN TO EVERY ONE
OF MY BROADCASTS.

I ARRANGED
WITH THE WARDEN

TO HAVE THEM COME HERE
TODAY FOR LUNCHEON.

YOU'RE MICHAELSON,
AREN'T YOU?

DID THE DRAINPIPE
MURDERS?

YES, SIR.

THOUGHT
I RECOGNIZED YOU.

THE ONE ON THIS END,
JEFFERSON,

IS HAGGERTY,
THE HATCHET FIEND.

ALWAYS CHOPPED THEM UP IN
A SALAD BOWL, REMEMBER?

HOW DO YOU DO?

HI.

LUNCH IS READY,
MR. WHITESIDE.

GOOD!
WE'LL GO RIGHT IN!

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. THANK YOU.
GENTLEMEN, AFTER YOU.

WE'RE HAVING
CHICKEN LIVERS TETRAZZINI

AND CHERRIES JUBILEE
FOR DESSERT.

WHAT, NO SALAD BOWL,
MR. WHITESIDE?
UH, NO, HAGGERTY.

I DO NOT WISH TO PLACE
TEMPTATION IN YOUR PATH.

I HOPE EVERY LITTLE TUMMY IS A
FLUTTER WITH GASTRIC JUICES.

CLOSE THE DOORS, JOHN.

DON'T WANT A LOTTA PEOPLE
PRYING ON THEIR BETTERS.

YES, SIR.

HELLO, MR. STANLEY.
WILL YOU SIGN FOR THIS?

WELL, WHAT IS IT?
WE'RE NOT QUITE SURE.

IT'S FOR MR. WHITESIDE
FROM A WILLIAM BEEBE.

WILLIAM BEEBE? WHY, HE'S
THE GREAT NATURALIST.

GOOD HEAVENS!
IT'S AN OCTOPUS! THAT'S IT!

I KNEW THERE WAS A "PUS"
IN THE NAME SOMEWHERES.

WHEN YOU RETURN TO
THE UNIVERSITY IN CANTON,

I WANT YOU TO TAKE A MESSAGE
FOR
ME TO PROFESSOR CHUNG WUNG
LU.

WE WENT TO HAMILTON
TOGETHER.

MR. WHITESIDE!

SIT DOWN, GENTLEMEN.
THIS ISN'T ANYBODY.

THERE'S AN OCTOPUS
AT THE DOOR!

GOOD! BRING HIM IN! NOW I'LL
HAVE SOMEBODY INTELLIGENT TO

TALK TO IN THE EVENINGS.

MR. WHITESIDE,
I WARN YOU,

I'LL NOT HAVE THAT
MONSTER IN MY HOUSE.

WELL, THERE'S
ALWAYS A MOTEL

FOR YOU AND MRS. STANLEY
IF YOU'RE FINICKY.

RIGHT IN HERE.

A LITTLE PLAYMATE
FOR YOU, MR. WHITESIDE.

GOOD! GOOD! PUT IT
RIGHT DOWN HERE.

MY, WHAT A CHARMING
LITTLE CREATURE!

MR. STANLEY,
WHAT'S YOUR FIRST NAME?

UH, ERNEST. WHY?

BOYS, TAKE ERNEST DOWN TO
THE BASEMENT, WILL YOU, PLEASE?

WHAT? MR. WHITESIDE,
THERE IS A LIMIT. I WARN YOU,

I'M A PATIENT MAN,
BUT--

DINNER IS SERVED,
MR. WHITESIDE.

DAISY, WHERE'S THAT
BICARBONATE OF SODA?

DAISY, THIS IS THE END. I'VE
STOOD ALL I'M GONNA STAND.

WHERE'S THAT TELEPHONE BILL?

NOW, ERNEST, PLEASE!
LISTEN TO ME, ERNEST!

OH!

JOHN, TELL SARAH THE LOBSTER
NEWBURG IS ABSOLUTELY SUPERB.

YES, MR. WHITESIDE.
THANK YOU.

MR. WHITESIDE,
I WANNA TALK TO YOU!

I'VE STOOD
ALL I'M GOING TO STAND.

IGNORE THE INTERRUPTION.
FOR THE PAST 10 DAYS,

WE COULDN'T
CALL OUR SOULS OUR OWN.

WE HAVEN'T HAD
A MEAL HERE ONCE.

I CAME HOME AND FOUND CONVICTS
SITTING AT MY DINNER TABLE.

DRAINPIPE MURDERERS!
AND NOW--

NOW, ERNEST--
PLEASE.

I GO INTO MY BATHROOM
AND BUMP INTO 2 MORE.

I WON'T STAND FOR IT,
NO MATTER WHAT!

HAVE YOU QUITE FINISHED?
NO, SIR, I HAVE NOT!

THIS BILL FROM THE TELEPHONE
COMPANY FOR $784!

OKLAHOMA CITY, ROME,

CALCUTTA, HOLLYWOOD,
BUENOS AIRES,

NEW YORK, NEW YORK,
NEW YORK, NEW YORK!

BUT, ERNEST--
LEAVE ME ALONE!

MR. WHITESIDE, I WANT YOU TO
LEAVE THIS HOUSE AS SOON AS YOU

CAN AND GO TO A HOTEL.
STOP PAWING ME, DAISY!

THAT'S ALL I'VE
TO SAY TO YOU, MR. WHITESIDE.

QUITE ENOUGH,
I SHOULD SAY.

IF YOU INSIST UPON
MY LEAVING THIS HOUSE,

THEREBY CAUSING ME
TO SUFFER A RELAPSE,

I'LL SUE YOU FOR
EVERY ADDITIONAL DAY

THAT I AM HELD INACTIVE,
WHICH WILL AMOUNT,

I ASSURE YOU,
TO A TIDY SUM.

THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!
OUTRAGEOUS!

AS FOR THE DETAILS OF
YOUR PETTY COMPLAINTS,

THESE GENTLEMEN CAME STRAIGHT
FROM THE WHITE HOUSE,

WHERE, I ASSURE YOU,
THEY USED THE BATHROOM, TOO.

MR. WHITESIDE,
ERNEST DIDN'T MEAN--

I DID TOO!
I MEANT EVERY WORD!

THERE'S ONE POINT
IN WHICH I SEE SOME JUSTICE.

I DON'T EXPECT YOU
TO PAY FOR MY CALLS.

I'LL MAKE SURE
THAT RESTITUTION IS MADE.

CAN YOU PROVIDE ME
WITH THE EXACT AMOUNT?

I CERTAINLY CAN,
AND I CERTAINLY WILL!

GOOD! I SHALL
INSTRUCT MY LAWYERS

TO DEDUCT IT
FROM THE $150,000

THAT I AM
SUING YOU FOR.

TELL ME GENTLEMEN--
IS IT TRUE THAT IN CHINA,

YOU DROWN MIDDLE-AGED
BUSINESSMEN AT BIRTH?

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

HA HA HA!

OH, I'M SORRY,
MAGGIE. HA HA HA!

I UNDERSTAND NOW WHY SONJA
HENIE
MAKES SO MUCH MONEY.

YOU CAN'T LEARN SKATING
WITHOUT
TAKING A SPILL OR TWO.

YOU'VE A PRETTY
GOOD SENSE OF BALANCE.

I SHOULD HAVE. I CUT A MEAN
FIGURE 8 AT THE STORK CLUB.

YOU WANT TO SIT DOWN?
HIYA, JACK!
OH! HA HA HA!

AND I DIDN'T EVEN SAY YES!
HA HA HA!
I'M SORRY, MAGGIE.

LET'S GO SIT BY THE FIRE.

OH, DON'T YOU
EVER WAVE AGAIN

UNLESS YOU SEE THE
STATUE OF LIBERTY.

OKAY. HA HA HA!

HIYA, BERT!
WHAT DO YOU SAY?

HIYA, BOY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, JACK?
HELLO, MARY!

HOW'S THE ICE?
HARD.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW IS IT, SAM?
GERTIE?

YOU KNOW MORE PEOPLE
THAN A HEADWAITER.

WELL, I ADMIT
I AM POPULAR.

HERE I AM, THE MOST
ATTRACTIVE MAN IN TOWN.

ARE YOU?
SURE. WE RAN A CONTEST
IN THE PAPER LAST WEEK,

AND I WON. OF COURSE,
I OWN THE PAPER,

BUT THAT'S
JUST A COINCIDENCE.

HOW ABOUT
A HOT SWEET POTATO?

A WHAT?
OH, SWEET POTATO.

THAT'S WHAT THEY SERVE AT 21
WITH PINEAPPLE GLACE.

HEY, FREDDY!

YES, MR. JEFFERSON?

2 SWEETS.

BEST IN THE WEST.

HMM. HOT.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU,
MR. JEFFERSON.

HOW'S YOUR BACK?

IT'S BROKEN.
THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, MAGGIE,
I WAS WONDERING--

DON'T KNOW IF I'M MAKING
A HIT WITH YOU OR NOT.

YOU'RE DOING
ALRIGHT.

ARE YOU HAVING FUN, MAGGIE?
I'M LOVING IT.

GOOD.

YOU GOT A GIRL,
BERT?

OH, NOT
PARTICULARLY. WHY?

OH, I WAS
JUST WONDERING.

YOU KNOW, MOST
ATTRACTIVE MAN IN TOWN.

FUNNY THING IS,
YOU ARE SORT OF ATTRACTIVE

IN A CORNFED
SORT OF WAY.

I COULD IMAGINE
SOME POOR GIRL

FALLING FOR YOU
IF, WELL,

IF YOU THREW IN
A SET OF DISHES.

WELL, I'VE GOT
THE DISHES.

"HER FOOTSTEPS QUICKEN.

"CALMLY AND QUIETLY,
SHE GOES TO THE DOORWAY,

"AND THE DOOR CLOSES
BEHIND HER.

THERE'S A MOMENT'S SILENCE,
AND THE CURTAIN FALLS."

WELL, MAGGIE,
THERE IT IS.

IT'S WONDERFUL.
I THINK IT'S A FINE
PLAY.

HONESTLY, MAGGIE?

ARE YOU TELLING ME
THE TRUTH?

IT'S BETTER THAN THAT.
I THINK IT'S GREAT.

MAY I TAKE IT WITH ME?
I WANNA READ IT AGAIN
MYSELF.

SURE. YOU LIKE IT
AS MUCH AS THAT, HUH?

BERT JEFFERSON,
YOU'RE QUITE A GUY.

SAY, I'LL WRITE
ANOTHER ONE RIGHT AWAY.

HA HA HA!

THERE, YOU SEE
HOW GOOD IT IS?

I'VE FORGOTTEN
THE TIME.

I MUST GO.

[CLOCK CHIMING]

[YAWNS]

MISS PREEN.

MISS PREEN!

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT
IN THERE, A SAILOR?

I WAS JUST FIXING
YOUR MEDICINE.

HAS MISS CUTLER
COME IN?

I DON'T KNOW, MR. WHITESIDE.
AT LEAST, I HAVEN'T SEEN HER.

ARE YOU SURE?

I'M NOT SURE OF ANYTHING
ANYMORE, MR. WHITESIDE.

HERE'S
YOUR MEDICINE.

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT,
GO BACK TO THE NAVY.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[DOOR OPENS]

Whiteside:
COME HERE, YOU TWO.

COME ON, COME ON.
I'M NOT GOING TO BITE YOU.

NOW, LOOK HERE, I AM BY NATURE
A GRACIOUS AND CHARMING PERSON.

I'M AFRAID THAT WHEN WE FIRST
MET, I WAS UNPLEASANT TO YOU.

I'M SORRY, AND IN THE FUTURE
PLEASE DON'T TREAT ME

LIKE SOMETHING
OUT OF EDGAR ALLAN POE.

DO YOU LIKE
MY NEW TIE?

THANK YOU, MR. WHITESIDE.
THIS MAKES THINGS

SO MUCH PLEASANTER,
I THINK YOUR TIE IS VERY
PRETTY.

SINCE WE'RE ON GOOD TERMS,
I'D LIKE TO MENTION

I'VE BEEN ADMIRING
ALL YOUR TIES.

YOU LIKE THIS ONE?
CERTAINLY DO.

IT'S YOURS.
WELL, THANKS.

REALLY, THIS CURIOUS LEGEND
THAT I AM A DIFFICULT PERSON

IS PURE FABRICATION.
ICE-SKATING, EH?

AH, ME, I USED TO CUT
FIGURE EIGHTS MYSELF

ARM IN ARM WITH BETSY ROSS,
WAVING THE FLAG BEHIND US.

OH, IT WAS WONDERFUL
ON THE ICE TONIGHT.

MISS CUTLER AND
MR. JEFFERSON WERE THERE.

MAGGIE...SKATING?
I GOT A MARVELOUS
PICTURE OF HER.

THEY SEEMED TO BE HAVING
A WONDERFUL TIME.
DID THEY, INDEED?

MIND IF I TOOK A PICTURE OF
YOU?
I'D LOVE TO HAVE ONE.

VERY WELL. DO YOU WANT
MY PROFILE?

AFRAID YOU'RE DONE FOR,
MR. WHITESIDE.

MY BROTHER'S
A CAMERA FIEND.

THANKS, MR. WHITESIDE.
I GOT A GREAT ONE.

GOODNIGHT!
GOODNIGHT.

[QUIETLY]
DEAR MR. WHITESIDE.
OH.

HOW WONDERFUL
TO FIND YOU ALONE.

I'VE BEEN WANTING
TO SHOW YOU

A FEW MEMENTOS
OF THE PAST.

I SOMEHOW FEEL THAT YOU WILL
LOVE THEM AS I DO.

WHY, I'D BE DELIGHTED.
MISS STANLEY,

HAVEN'T WE MET
SOMEWHERE BEFORE?

OH, NO. I WOULD HAVE
REMEMBERED.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN
ONE OF MY CHERISHED
MEMORIES...

LIKE THIS.

LOOK. THERE I AM
WITH MY FIRST SWEETHEART

UNDER OUR LOVELY
BEECHWOOD TREE.

I WAS 8,
AND HE WAS 10.

I HAVE NEVER
FORGOTTEN HIM.

WHAT HAPPY TIMES
WE HAD.

WHAT PRECIOUS HOURS.

GOODNIGHT,
DEAR MR. WHITESIDE.

GOODNIGHT.

HAPPY, HAPPY
DREAMS.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

GOOD EVENING.

REALLY, SHERRY,
YOU'VE GOT THIS ROOM

LOOKING LIKE
AN OLD PARROT CAGE.

DID YOU HAVE A NAP
WHILE I WAS OUT?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, DEAR,
CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?

DON'T LOOK AT ME WITH
THOSE GREAT COW EYES,

YOU SIMPERING SAPPHO.

WHERE'VE YOU
BEEN ALL NIGHT?

PLAYING HOUSE
WITH BERT JEFFERSON?

I HAD THE MOST
WONDERFUL EVENING.

I'VE BEEN ICE-SKATING
FOR THE FIRST TIME.

THEY TELL ME
I'M THE FIRST PERSON

TO DO A FIGURE EIGHT
FROM A SITTING POSITION.

WE ARE NOT AMUSED.

BERT READ ME HIS PLAY.
IT'S SUPERB.

IT'S NOT JUST A PLAY
BY A NEWSPAPERMAN.

IT'S REALLY SUPERB.
CRIES OUT FOR CORNELL.

WILL YOU SEND IT TO HER?
WILL YOU READ IT TONIGHT?

I'LL NOT READ IT
TONIGHT OR ANY OTHER TIME!

WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT
OF MR. JEFFERSON.

TELL HIM THAT I'M SUING HIM
FOR YOUR SALARY,

SINCE HE TAKES UP
ALL YOUR TIME!

IT'S NOT AS BAD AS ALL THAT.

HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN
ABLE TO REACH YOU,

NOW KNOWING WHAT ICE-CREAM
PARLORS YOU FREQUENT.

YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A VERY
SPOILED CHILD, SHERRY.

OH, DON'T TAKE THAT
PATRONIZING TONE WITH ME,

YOU FLEA-BITTEN CLEOPATRA.

SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR
SNEAKING
OUT LIKE SOME LOVESICK

HIGH-SCHOOL GIRL
EVERY TIME MY BACK IS
TURNED.

I'M AFRAID YOU'VE HIT
THE NAIL ON THE HEAD.

STOP ACTING
LIKE ZASU PITTS

AND EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

WELL, I'LL BE
QUICK ABOUT IT.

I'M IN LOVE.

NONSENSE. THIS IS MERELY
DELAYED ADOLESCENCE.

NO, SHERRY. YOU'RE
JUST ABOUT TO LOSE

A VERY EXCELLENT
SECRETARY.

YOU'RE OUTTA YOUR MIND.
YES, I THINK
I AM A LITTLE.

I'M A GIRL WHO'S
WAITED A LONG TIME

FOR THIS TO HAPPEN TO HER,
AND NOW IT HAS.

MR. JEFFERSON
DOESN'T KNOW IT YET,

BUT I'M GOING TO TRY
MY DARNDEST TO MARRY HIM.

IS THAT ALL?

WELL, YES,
EXCEPT THAT--

THIS IS MY RESIGNATION AS SOON
AS YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE ELSE.

LISTEN TO ME! WE'VE BEEN
TOGETHER A LONG TIME.

YOU'RE INDISPENSABLE TO ME. I
THINK THAT I'M UNSELFISH ENOUGH

NOT TO LET THAT STAND
IN THE WAY OF YOUR
HAPPINESS...

BECAUSE, WHETHER
YOU KNOW IT OR NOT,

I'VE A DEEP AFFECTION FOR YOU.
I KNOW THAT.

THEREFORE, I WILL NOT LET
YOU
MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF!

OH, BUT I'M NOT!
YOU ARE, MY DEAR.

YOU'RE BEHAVING LIKE
TILLIE THE TOILER.

OH, IT'S INCREDIBLE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW
IT'S HAPPENED, SHERRY.

I CAN ONLY TELL YOU
THAT IT HAS.

IT'S HARD FOR ME
TO BELIEVE MYSELF.

HERE I AM,
A HARD-BITTEN OLD CYNIC,

BEHAVING LIKE
WINNIE-THE-POOH AND LIKING IT.

DISCOVERING THE MOONLIGHT
AND ICE-SKATING AND--

WE'RE LEAVING HERE
TOMORROW.

HIP OR NO HIP,
WE'RE LEAVING TOMORROW!

I DON'T CARE IF I FRACTURE
THE
OTHER ONE.

GET ME A TRAIN SCHEDULE
AND START PACKING.

I'LL PULL YOU OUT OF
THIS, MISS STARDUST.

I'LL GET THE ANTS FROM
MOONLIT--

IT'S NO GOOD, SHERRY.
IT'S NO GOOD.

I'D BE BACK ON THE
FIRST STREAMLINED TRAIN.

OH, IT'S COMPLETELY
UNBELIEVABLE!

CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF
THE WIFE OF THE EDITOR

OF THE MESALIA JOURNAL,
HAVING AN EVENING AT HOME

FOR MR. AND MRS.
STANLEY,

MR. AND MRS.
DRIBBLEPUSS,

AND THE MEMBERS
OF THE BIG SISTERS'

BENEVOLENT
ASSOCIATION?

SHERRY, I'VE HAD 10 YEARS OF
THE GREAT FIGURES OF OUR TIME,

AND DON'T THINK I'M NOT
GRATEFUL TO YOU FOR IT.

I'VE LOVED
EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

THEY'VE BEEN WONDERFUL YEARS--
GAY AND STIMULATING.

I DON'T THINK ANYBODY'S
HAD MORE FUN THAN WE'VE HAD,

BUT A GIRL CAN'T LAUGH
ALL THE TIME, SHERRY.

THERE COMES A TIME
WHEN SHE WANTS...

BERT JEFFERSON.

OH!
OH, YOU DON'T KNOW
BERT, SHERRY.

HE'S GENTLE,
AND HE'S UNASSUMING, AND
HE'S...

WELL, I LOVE HIM,
THAT'S ALL.

I SEE. WELL, I REMAIN
COMPLETELY UNCONVINCED.

YOU'RE DRUGGING YOURSELF INTO
THIS GINGER ROGERS FANTASY,

AND BEFORE YOU BECOME
COMPLETELY ANESTHETIZED,

I SHALL DO EVERYTHING
IN MY POWER

TO BRING YOU
TO YOUR SENSES.

NOW, YOU LISTEN
TO ME, WHITESIDE.

YOU LAY OFF.
I KNOW YOU.

I KNOW WHAT A DEVIL
YOU CAN BE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE
TO PEOPLE,

BUT YOU'RE NOT
DOING IT TO ME.

AND DON'T YOU DRUG
YOURSELF WITH THE IDEA

THAT YOU'RE ONLY THINKING
OF MY HAPPINESS.

YOU'RE THINKING
OF ALL THOSE MONTHS

OF BREAKING IN
SOMEBODY NEW.

I'VE SEEN YOU
IN A PASSION BEFORE

WHEN YOUR LIFE
HAS BEEN DISRUPTED

AND YOU COULDN'T DINE

ON JULY 12
IN CALCUTTA

WITH THE MAHARAJAH
THIS OR THAT.

WELL, THAT'S
TOO BAD, SHERRY,

BUT THERE IT IS.

I'M GOING TO
MARRY BERT...

IF HE'LL HAVE ME.

DON'T YOU PULL ANY
OF YOUR TRICKS ON ME

BECAUSE I'M ONTO
EVERY ONE OF THEM.

THAT'S MY MESSAGE
TO YOU.

BIG LORD
FAUNTLEROY.

[DOOR CLOSES]

LONG DISTANCE, PLEASE.

HELLO. LONG DISTANCE?
THIS IS MESALIA 142.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I WANT TO SPEAK
TO PALM BEACH, FLORIDA.

MISS LORRAINE SHELDON.

S-H-E-L-D-O-N.

SHE'S AT THE HOME
OF LORD CEDRIC BOTTOMLY.

PALM BEACH.

WELL, WILL IT TAKE LONG?

ALRIGHT, MY NAME
IS WHITESIDE.

THANK YOU.

GOOD EVENING, JOHN.

GOOD EVENING,
DOCTOR.

[DOOR CLOSES]

OH...

WELL, WELL, GOOD EVENING,
MR. WHITESIDE.

COME BACK
TOMORROW, DOCTOR.

I'M VERY BUSY NOW.

YEAH, I KNOW
IT'S RATHER LATE,

BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING
WONDERFUL TO TELL YOU.

WHAT WOULD BE
THE VERY BEST NEWS

THAT I COULD POSSIBLY
BRING YOU?

YOU HAVE
HYDROPHOBIA.

HA HA HA! NO, NO,
MR. WHITESIDE.

YOU'RE A WELL MAN.

YOU CAN GET UP
AND WALK.

YOU CAN LEAVE HERE
TOMORROW.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, I LOOKED AT
THE X-RAYS AGAIN TONIGHT,

AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

I'VE BEEN LOOKING
AT THE WRONG X-RAYS.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING AT
OLD MRS. MOFFIT'S X-RAYS.

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY
PERFECTLY WELL.

LOWER YOUR VOICE,
WILL YOU PLEASE?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
AREN'T YOU PLEASED?

WELL, DELIGHTED,
OF COURSE, NATURALLY,

BUT IT'S A RATHER
UNEXPECTED BIT OF NEWS,

HOWEVER. IT COMES AT
A VERY CURIOUS MOMENT.

I--UH...DOCTOR,

I'VE SOME GOOD NEWS
FOR YOU, TOO.

I'VE BEEN READING
YOUR BOOK--

40 YEARS--
WHAT'S IT CALLED?

AN OHIO DOCTOR.
THAT'S IT.

I CONSIDER IT CLOSE TO BEING
ONE OF THE GREATEST

LITERARY CONTRIBUTIONS
OF OUR TIME.

OH, MR. WHITESIDE.

I HAVE A PROPOSITION
TO MAKE YOU.

NOW, THE BOOK'S A LITTLE
UNEVEN, A LITTLE ROUGH.

WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO
IS TO STAY HERE IN MESALIA

AND WORK WITH YOU ON IT.

OH, MR. WHITESIDE,

I SHOULD BE
SO TERRIBLY HONORED.

YES, BUT THERE'S JUST
ONE SLIGHT DIFFICULTY.

YOU SEE,
IF MY LECTURE BUREAU

AND MY RADIO SPONSORS

WERE TO LEARN
THAT I'M WELL,

THEY'D INSIST UPON MY
FULFILLING MY CONTRACTS,

AND I'D BE FORCED
TO LEAVE MESALIA.

THEREFORE, WE MUST NOT
TELL ANYONE--

NOT ANYONE AT ALL--
THAT I'M WELL.

OH, I SEE.

NOT EVEN MISS CUTLER.
YOU UNDERSTAND?

I WON'T--NOT A SOUL,
NOT EVEN MY WIFE.

THAT'S FINE.

MR. WHITESIDE,

WHEN SHALL WE START
WORK ON MY BOOK--

TONIGHT,
LATE AS IT IS?

I'VE JUST GOT ONE PATIENT
THAT'S DYING.

THEN I'LL BE
PERFECTLY FREE.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

TOMORROW MORNING.
THIS IS A PRIVATE CALL.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.
YES. HELLO.

YES, I'M ON.

GOODNIGHT, DOCTOR.
GOODNIGHT.

GOODNIGHT. I'LL BE HERE
EARLY IN THE MORNING.

HELLO.

IS THIS MY BLOSSOM GIRL?

SHERRY, MY SWEET.
HOW ARE YOU, DARLING?

LORRAINE, MY BLOSSOM,

I HAVE THE MOST
WONDERFUL NEWS FOR YOU.

I'VE BEEN READING
THE MOST BRILLIANT PLAY

WITH AN ENCHANTING PART
IN IT FOR YOU.

WHY, YOU'RE ONSTAGE
EVERY MINUTE.

DARLING!

WHAT?

DARLING, WHY DO I
HAVE TO COME THERE?

CAN'T YOU SEND IT
TO ME?

LORD CEDRIC'S BRINGING
THE YACHT DOWN TOMORROW.

NOW, WAIT, WAIT.
LET ME EXPLAIN.

THE AUTHOR IS A YOUNG
NEWSPAPERMAN HERE IN TOWN.

HIS NAME IS BERT JEFFERSON.

OF COURSE, HE WANTS
KATHARINE CORNELL,

BUT IF YOU JUMP ON A TRAIN
AND GET HERE,

YOU COULD SWING IT

IF YOU PLAY
YOUR CARDS RIGHT.

WHAT? NO. HE'S YOUNG
AND VERY ATTRACTIVE.

WHY, HE'S JUST
YOUR DISH, MY DEAR.

WELL, IT JUST TAKES
A LITTLE DOING,

AND YOU'RE THE GIRL
THAT CAN DO IT.

ISN'T THAT EXCITING,
MY PET?

OH.

OH, YES,
I UNDERSTAND.

SHERRY, YOU'RE THE DEAR
SWEET OF THE WORLD,

AND I'LL TAKE THE FIRST
TRAIN TOMORROW MORNING.

GOOD-LOOKING, TOO, HUH?
I CAN HARDLY WAIT.

AND LOOK, DON'T SEND ME
ANY MESSAGES.

JUST GET ON A TRAIN
AND ARRIVE.

THAT'S MY BLOSSOM GIRL.

GOOD-BYE.

I FORGOT YOUR
SLEEPING TABLET.

HELLO, MISS PREEN!

MY, YOU'RE LOOKING
RADIANT THIS EVENING!

SIT DOWN. STAY AWHILE.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[DOOR OPENS]

SHERRY, I'M SORRY FOR
WHAT I SAID JUST NOW.

I'M AFRAID
I WAS UNJUST.

OH, THAT'S QUITE ALRIGHT,
MAGGIE, MY DEAR.

WE ALL LOSE OUR TEMPERS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

JUST GET
A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.

PEOPLE MISJUDGE YOU,
SHERRY.

YOU'RE REALLY
VERY SWEET.

GOODNIGHT.

GOODNIGHT.
SWEET DREAMS.

THANK YOU.
GOODNIGHT, SHERRY.

♪ I'S JUST A LITTLE WABBIT
IN THE SUNSHINE ♪

♪ I'S JUST A LITTLE WABBIT
IN THE SPWING ♪

♪ I'S JUST A LITTLE WABBIT
IN THE RAINTIME... ♪

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S ALL
THERE ARE, MISS CUTLER.

THANK YOU, JOHN.

MY, I NEVER SAW ANYONE
GET SO MANY PRESENTS.

I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO SEE
WHAT'S IN THEM.

WHEN WILL MR. WHITESIDE
OPEN THEM, MISS CUTLER?

WELL, YOU SEE, JOHN,
CHRISTMAS IS

MR. WHITESIDE'S
PERSONAL PROPERTY.

HE INVENTED IT.
IT BELONGS TO HIM.

TOMORROW MORNING,
VERY FIRST THING,

MR. WHITESIDE WILL OPEN
EACH AND EVERY PRESENT,

AND HE'LL RAISE
THE BIGGEST STINK

THAT YOU'VE EVER SEEN
IN YOUR LIFE.

FROM
WINSTON CHURCHILL...

DEANNA DURBIN...

GYPSY ROSE LEE...

SOMERSET MAUG-HAM.

MY, I CAN HARDLY
WAIT TILL TOMORROW.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?

MR. WHITESIDE'S TREE
IS SO BEAUTIFUL, TOO.

MR. AND MRS. STANLEY
CAN HARDLY UNDRESS AT NIGHT

WITH THEIR TREE
IN THEIR BEDROOM.

Bert:
GOOD EVENING, JOHN.

GOOD EVENING,
MR. JEFFERSON.

HIYA, MAGGIE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, SARAH.

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
MR. JEFFERSON.

SAY, BUSINESS IS GOOD,
ISN'T IT?

MY, WHAT A LITTLE
QUIET BLACKMAIL

AND A WEEKLY RADIO SHOW
CAN GET YOU.

WHAT DO HIS SPONSORS
GIVE HIM?

A FULL YEAR'S SUPPLY
OF THEIR PRODUCT--

CREAM OF MUSH.

CREAM OF MUSH.
WELL, HE'LL GIVE IT

RIGHT BACK TO THEM
OVER THE AIR.

WAIT TILL YOU HEAR TONIGHT'S
BROADCAST, OLD FELLOW.

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET IT
OFF MY FINGERS SINCE I GOT IT.

I'LL BET.

LOOK, I'LL COME CLEAN.

UNDER THE INFLUENCE
OF HEAVEN KNOWS WHAT,

I'VE JUST BOUGHT YOU
A CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

WHY, MR. JEFFERSON, SIR.

I'D LIKE YOU TO SEE IT

BEFORE I THROW AWAY
MY HARD-EARNED MONEY.

CAN WE GO AND CHECK IT?

BERT, THAT'S
VERY SWEET OF YOU.

I'M QUITE TOUCHED.

WHAT IS IT?
I CAN'T WAIT.

YOU THINK
I'M GONNA TELL YOU?

COME AND SEE.

ALRIGHT.

SHERRY!

SHERRY,

I'M GOING OUT
FOR A FEW MINUTES

WITH HORACE GREELEY.
I WON'T BE LONG.

NOEL, NOEL,
MR. W.

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE
GIN RUMMY TONIGHT

AFTER YOUR BROADCAST?

I WILL NOT PLAY GIN RUMMY
WITH YOU, KLONDIKE HARRY.

YOU'VE BEEN SWINDLING
THE PANTS OFF ME

FOR 2 WEEKS.

WHAT ARE YOU GIVING ME
FOR CHRISTMAS, JEFFERSON?

I'VE ENRICHED
YOUR FEEBLE LIFE

BEYOND YOUR CAPACITY
TO REPAY ME.

THAT'S WHAT I FIGURED,

SO I'M NOT GIVING YOU
ANYTHING.

I SEE.

I WAS GONNA
GIVE YOU MY OLD TRUSS,

BUT NOW I SHAN'T.

SHERRY, THE RADIO MAN
WILL BE HERE AT 6:30.

I'LL BE BACK IN TIME.

WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO,
ANYWAY, MADAM BUTTERFLY?

I'M BEING GIVEN
A CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

ANYTHING I CAN BRING
BACK FROM DOWNTOWN?

YES. BRING BABY
A LOLLIPOP.

HA HA HA!

Maggie: I WANT TO KNOW
WHAT YOU BOUGHT ME.

I'M LIKE
A 10-YEAR-OLD KID.

YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK LIKE
A 10-YEAR-OLD KID

RIGHT NOW, MAGGIE,
AT THAT.

[DOOR CLOSES]

OPERATOR, GIVE ME
THE MANSION HOUSE.

NO, I DON'T KNOW
THE NUMBER!

HELLO.

MANSION HOUSE?
TELL ME,

HAS A MISS LORRAINE SHELDON
ARRIVED YET?

YES, THAT'S RIGHT--

MISS LORRAINE SHELDON
FROM PALM BEACH.

SHE HASN'T, EH?

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[DOOR OPENS]

WHAT DO YOU WANT,
COMING IN LIKE THAT?

WHY DON'T YOU KNOCK?

BUT I WASN'T COMING IN.
I WAS COMING OUT.

MISS PREEN, YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY
IN THIS ROOM. ISN'T IT?

YES, IT--

WELL, THEREFORE
YOU CAME IN.

HEREAFTER, PLEASE KNOCK.

THERE ARE SOME EXPRESSMEN
OUTSIDE WITH A CRATE

I TOLD THEM TO GO
TO THE FRONT.

THANK YOU, JOHN.

DON'T STAND
THERE, MISS PREEN.

YOU LOOK LIKE
A FROZEN CUSTARD.

GO AWAY!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

WHAT IS IT
THIS TIME, JOE?

PENGUINS, MR. STANLEY--

ALL THE WAY FROM
THE SOUTH POLE.

PENGUINS!
4 OF THEM--

2 GIRLS AND 2 BOYS,
I THINK.

4! WELL, HE CAN'T
NAME THEM ALL AFTER ME.

HERE'S WHERE
YOU COME IN, DAISY.

HA HA--HUH?

RIGHT IN HERE, BOYS.

CAREFUL, NOW.
DON'T BUMP INTO ANYTHING.

[PENGUINS SQUAWKING]

WHO'S IT FROM,
JOE?

ADMIRAL BYRD.
THEY'RE PENGUINS.

DIRECTIONS ON HOW
TO FEED THEM ON TOP.

"TO BE FED
ONLY WHALE BLUBBER,

EELS,
AND CRACKED LOBSTER."

THEY GOT ROOT BEER
THIS MORNING

AND LIKED IT.

HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.
YOU KNOW, THEY MAKE

THE MOST ENTRANCING
COMPANIONS, JOHN.

ADMIRAL BYRD HAS
ONE THAT GOES

ON ALL HIS LECTURES.

I WANT THESE IN
THE LIBRARY.

TAKE THEM IN,
PLEASE?

AND TELL SARAH TO ORDER
A COUPLE OF THOSE LOBSTERS.

THERE'S NO WHALE BLUBBER
IN THIS TOWN.

GOOD EVENING.

OH, YES, THERE IS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
MR. WHITESIDE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW IF EELS
ARE IN SEASON, DOCTOR?

HOW'S THAT?

NEVER MIND. I WAS
A FOOL TO ASK.

I OPENED THOSE SLATS
A LITTLE, MR. WHITESIDE.

THEY SEEMED
SO CROWDED IN THERE.

OH, THANK YOU, JOHN.

[CRASH]

HMM. MUST BE MR. STANLEY
WRESTLING WITH MY OCTOPUS.

OH, MR. WHITESIDE.

GOOD-BYE, DOCTOR.

SORRY YOU HAPPENED
TO DROP IN NOW.

I HAVE TO DO
MY YOGI EXERCISES.

BUT, MR. WHITESIDE,
IT'S A WEEK NOW--

MY BOOK, YOU KNOW.

WHEN ARE WE GOING TO
START WORK ON MY BOOK?

I THOUGHT PERHAPS
TODAY MAYBE WE--

GOOD EVENING,
DR. BRADLEY.

GOOD EVENING,
MISS PREEN.

[PENGUINS SQUAWKING]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

DOCTOR, PERHAPS
I'M NOT WELL,

BUT WHEN I OPENED
THE DOOR JUST NOW,

I SAW A PENGUIN

WITH A THERMOMETER
IN HIS MOUTH.

THOSE PENGUINS GOT
OUT OF THEIR CRATE?

DID YOU SAY
PENGUINS?

YES.

I WAS AFRAID THE STRAIN
WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME.

PENGUINS?
YES, DOCTOR.

WOULD YOU GO IN
AND CAPTURE THEM,

AND PUT THEM
IN THEIR CRATE?

CAPTURE
THE PENGUINS?

THAT'S RIGHT,
AND, MISS PREEN,

WILL YOU ENTERTAIN THEM,
PLEASE, UNTIL I COME IN?

YES, SIR.

CHRISTMAS TREE
IN THE BEDROOM

JUST FELL
ON MR. STANLEY.

HE GOT A BIG BUMP
ON HIS FOREHEAD.

HA HA! ISN'T THAT
TOO BAD?

GO AHEAD, DOCTOR.
GO ON, MISS PREEN.

HELLO, MR. WHITESIDE.

HELLO, DICKIE,
MY BOY!

BUT, MR. WHITESIDE,
WILL YOU HAVE

SOME TIME LATER TODAY?
MY BOOK.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
DOCTOR. I'M BUSY NOW.

WELL, SUPPOSE I WAIT
A LITTLE WHILE?

I'LL WAIT
A LITTLE WHILE.

DR. BRADLEY
IS THE GREATEST

LIVING ARGUMENT
FOR MERCY KILLING.

WELL, RICHARD,
WOULD YOU LIKE

A CANDID CAMERA SHOT

OF MY LEFT NOSTRIL
THIS EVENING?

I'M SORT OF
STOCKED UP ON THOSE.

YOU GOT A MINUTE TO SEE
SOME NEW ONES I'VE TAKEN?

I CERTAINLY HAVE.

THESE ARE
SPLENDID, RICHARD.

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT THIS.

YOU'RE NOT A KID
FOOLING AROUND

WITH A CAMERA.

THESE ARE GOOD.

THIS IS WHAT
YOU OUGHT TO DO.

YOU MUST DO SOME OF THOSE
THINGS YOU'VE BEEN TELLING ME.

GET ON A BOAT. GET OFF
WHEREVER IT STOPS--

GALVESTON, MEXICO,
SINGAPORE!

WORK YOUR WAY THROUGH
AND TAKE PICTURES--

TERRIBLE PICTURES,
WONDERFUL PICTURES,

EVERYTHING.

THEN, I'D BE THE HAPPIEST
GUY IN THE WORLD.

WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT?

IF I WERE YOUR AGE,
I'D DO IT.

YOU KNOW WHY.

DAD.

DO YOU REALLY WANNNA DO THIS
MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE?

I CERTAINLY DO.

WELL, THEN DO IT.

HELLO, DICK.

GOOD EVENING,
MR. WHITESIDE.

HELLO, LOVELY.

SO, RICHARD, I'M AFRAID
IT'S UP TO YOU.

I GUESS IT IS.

THANK YOU,
MR. WHITESIDE.

YOU'VE BEEN SWELL,
I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

ALRIGHT, RICHARD.

ARE YOU COMING UPSTAIRS?

YES, IN
A FEW MINUTES.

KNOCK ON MY DOOR,
I WANNA TALK TO YOU.

YES, I WILL.
UH, MR. WHITESIDE,

MAY I SPEAK TO YOU
FOR A FEW MINUTES?

WHY, CERTAINLY, MY DEAR.
I TAKE IT THIS IS ABOUT

YOUR YOUNG LOTHARIO
AT THE FACTORY.

YES. I SIMPLY CAN'T GET
FATHER TO UNDERSTAND.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

SANDY AND I LOVE EACH OTHER.

I'D LIKE TO
MEET THIS YOUNG MAN.

I'D LIKE TO SEE HIM
FOR MYSELF.

WOULD YOU MEET HIM?

HE'S OUTSIDE.
HE'S IN THE KITCHEN.

GOOD. BRING HIM IN.

OH, MR. WHITESIDE,

HE'S A VERY
SENSITIVE BOY.

YOU'LL BE KIND
TO HIM, WON'T YOU?

CONFOUND IT, JUNE!

WHEN ARE YOU GOING
TO LEARN

THAT I'M ALWAYS
KIND AND COURTEOUS?

BRING THIS IDIOT IN.

SANDY. SANDY!

HERE HE IS, MR. WHITESIDE.
THIS IS SANDY.

HOW DO YOU DO,
SIR?

HOW DO YOU DO?

I'VE BEEN HEARING A GOOD
DEAL ABOUT YOU FROM JUNE.

IF I HAVE BEEN
CORRECTLY INFORMED,

YOU TWO BABES
IN THE WOODS

HAVE GONE QUIETLY
OUT OF YOUR MINDS.

THERE'S ANOTHER NAME FOR IT.
IT'S CALLED LOVE.

WELL, YOU'VE COME
TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

DR. SHERIDAN WHITESIDE--
BROKEN HEARTS MENDED,

BRAKES RELINED,
HAMBURGERS.

GO RIGHT AHEAD.

IF JUNE HAS TOLD
YOU ANYTHING,

YOU KNOW THE JAM
WE'RE IN.

I WORK FOR THE
UNION,

MR. WHITESIDE.
I'M AN ORGANIZER,

I'VE BEEN ORGANIZING THE MEN
AT MR. STANLEY'S FACTORY,

AND MR. STANLEY'S
SORE ABOUT IT.

HA HA! I'LL BET.

JUNE TOLD YOU.

YES, SHE DID.

SANDY'S LEAVING TOWN
TONIGHT

FOR CHICAGO,
MR. WHITESIDE.

HE'LL PROBABLY
BE GONE A YEAR.

WE'VE SIMPLY
GOT TO DECIDE NOW.

WELL, MY DEAR,
IT'S ABSURDLY SIMPLE.

IT'S NO PROBLEM AT ALL.

SUPPOSE YOUR PARENTS
ARE UNHAPPY.

IT'S GOOD FOR THEM--
DEVELOPS THEIR CHARACTERS.

LOOK AT ME.
I LEFT HOME AT THE AGE OF 4,

AND I HAVEN'T BEEN
BACK SINCE.

THEY HEAR ME OVER THE RADIO,
AND THAT'S ENOUGH FOR THEM.

THEN YOUR ADVICE IS
TO GO AHEAD?

IT IS. MARRY HIM
TONIGHT, JUNE.

YOU MEAN THAT?

NO.

I MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD
MARRY WALTER WINCHELL.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO,
SAY IT ALL OVER AGAIN?

Ernest: DAISY,
I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER.

THERE'S DAD.
COME ON.

[DOOR CLOSES]

FORGIVE US FOR TRESPASSING,
MR. WHITESIDE.

NOT AT ALL, OLD FELLOW.
IT'S CHRISTMAS, YOU KNOW.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

AH, YES, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
COME ALONG, DAISY.

WHY, MR. STANLEY,

WHAT HAS HAPPENED
TO YOUR FOREHEAD?

HAVE YOU HAD
AN ACCIDENT?

NO, MR. WHITESIDE.
I AM TAKING BOXING LESSONS.

ALRIGHT, DAISY.

BOO!

[WHISPERING]
Good-bye.

[DOOR CLOSES]

DEAR MR. WHITESIDE,

I'VE BEEN TRYING
ALL DAY TO SEE YOU

TO GIVE YOU THIS.

WHY, MISS STANLEY,
A CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR ME?

OH, IT'S JUST
A TRIFLE,

BUT I WANTED YOU
TO HAVE IT.

IT'S A PICTURE OF ME
AS I USED TO BE.

IT WAS TAKEN ON
ANOTHER CHRISTMAS EVE

MANY YEARS AGO.

DON'T OPEN IT TILL
THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT,

WILL YOU?

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
DEAR MR. WHITESIDE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
MISS STANLEY,

AND THANK YOU.

[DOOR CLOSES]

MIGHTY NIFTY-LOOKING
PACKAGE.

HAD QUITE A STRUGGLE
WITH MYSELF

BEFORE I DECIDED
NOT TO OPEN IT.

HERE YOU ARE,
MAGGIE.

I'M SO EXCITED.

JUST SIGN FOR IT,
WILL YOU PLEASE?

KNOW WHAT I'M GIVING
MY WIFE? A PIPE.

A PIPE?

THAT DOESN'T SOUND
VERY SENSIBLE.

IT'S AS SENSIBLE
AS THE VACUUM CLEANER

SHE'S GIVING ME.

HA HA HA!

OH, LOOK HOW BEAUTIFULLY
IT'S WRAPPED.

WHY, BERT,
HOW WONDERFUL.

HERE'S A TYPEWRITER.

THAT'S WHAT
BROUGHT US TOGETHER.

REMEMBER THE DAY
YOU FIXED THE RIBBON?

UH-HUH.

AND A PAIR OF ICE SKATES

TO REMIND YOU NEVER
TO GO SKATING AGAIN.

HA HA HA!

THIS LITTLE HEART WITH
THE ARROW THROUGH IT--

THEY JUST HAD THAT
IN THE CATALOG.

BERT, THIS IS THE NICEST
CHRISTMAS I'VE EVER HAD.

WELL, I JUST NEVER HAPPENED
TO BE AROUND BEFORE.

I'M CERTAINLY GLAD
THAT SHERRY FELL

AND FRACTURED HIS HIP.

HA HA HA!

OH, THERE'S A LITTLE
SOMETHING ENGRAVED ON THEM.

HERE.
IT STARTS HERE.

"FAINT...

"HEARTS...

"NE'ER...

"WON...

FAIR LADY."

"NOR...

"IRON...

"BARS...

A CAGE."

WELL, BERT, IT'S A
VERY NICE SENTIMENT,

BUT ISN'T IT A BIT
GRIM TOWARDS THE END?

WELL, IT SHOULD HAVE ENDED
AFTER "FAIR LADY."

THANK YOU, SIR.

I GUESS HE JUST HAD
SOME EXTRA CHARMS

LAYING AROUND.

OH, HEAVENS.
I'VE GOT TO GET BACK.

SHERRY BROADCASTS
AT 7:00. COME ON.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, BERT!

IF YOU EVER GET MARRIED,
HOW MANY CHILDREN

ARE YOU GONNA HAVE?

6 OR 7.
GOOD-BYE.

HEY, I'LL MAKE IT 4.

THAT I MIGHT CONSIDER.

COSETTE, TAKE EVERYTHING
ON TO THE HOTEL, WILL YOU?

I'M GOING RIGHT OUT
AND SEE POOR MR. WHITESIDE.

GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WEAR.
I FEEL SO NAKED.

OUI, MADAME.

THERE.

[WOLF WHISTLES]

[TRAIN WHISTLE]

TAXI?
TAXI, LADY?

TAXI, LADY?
TAXI?

THIS WAY, MISS.

OH...

THIS IS THE STANLEY
RESIDENCE, ISN'T IT?

YES, IT IS.

I'VE COME TO SEE
MR. WHITESIDE.

TELL HIM MISS SHELDON
IS HERE?

Whiteside: LORRAINE,
MY BLOSSOM GIRL!

DARLING!
OH, DARLING,

LOOK AT THAT POOR,
SWEET, TORTURED FACE.

LET ME KISS IT.

OH, DARLING,
HOW DRAWN YOU ARE.

SHERRY, MY SWEET,
I'M GOING TO CRY.

ALRIGHT. YOU'VE MADE A
VERY NICE ENTRANCE. RELAX.

DARLING,
I'VE BEEN SO WORRIED,

AND SEEING YOU
IN THAT CHAIR--

THIS CHAIR FITS MY CONTOURS
AS NOTHING ELSE EVER HAS.

I'M FEELING BETTER
THAN I HAVE IN YEARS,

ONLY CONCERN IS NEWS
OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD.

TAKE OFF THAT SKUNK,
AND TELL ME.

HOW ARE YOU,
MY DARLING?

DARLING, I'M SO RELIEVED.
YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.

MY DEAR, DO I
LOOK A WRECK!

I JUMPED ON THE TRAIN
THE MINUTE YOU CALLED.

PALM BEACH HAS BEEN
SO HECTIC THIS SEASON.

FUN, BUT SIMPLY EXHAUSTING--

CHUCK WHITNEY,
CARY GRANT,

BARBARA HUTTON--
JUST TOO EXHAUSTING!

I NEVER GOT TO BED.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START.

START WITH THE DIRT FIRST,
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.

HMM...LET ME SEE.

OH, YES!

SIBYL CARTWRIGHT WAS ORDERED
RIGHT OFF THE BEACH.

IT HAPPENED THE DAY
BEFORE I LEFT.

SHE HAD ON A
CELLOPHANE BATHING SUITS,

AND YOU COULD PRACTICALLY
SEE THE WAVES BREAKING.

OH! POOR OLD SIBYL.

AND LOUISE CURTIS--
YOU KNOW HER, SHERRY.

WELL, SHE JUST DIVORCED
HER FOURTH HUSBAND

AND REMARRIED HER SECOND.
IT WAS AWFULLY MESSY,

BECAUSE BEFORE HE
COULD REMARRY HER,

HE HAD TO DIVORCE
HIS THIRD WIFE,

WHO IS LOUISE'S MOTHER.

BUT IT WAS
A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING.

OH, AND BEFORE I FORGET IT,

ELSA MAXWELL GAVE ME
A MESSAGE FOR YOU.

SHE WANTS YOU TO TAKE
OFF 25 POUNDS

AND SEND THEM TO HER.
SHE NEEDS THEM.

OH, HA HA HA!

THEY SHALL BE
PACKED IN ICE.

NOW, COME ON.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?

WHAT ABOUT YOU
AND THAT SPLENDID BIT

OF ENGLISH MUTTON,
LORD BOTTOMLY?

HAVEN'T YOU
HOOKED HIM YET?

SHERRY, PLEASE.

HE'S JUST A VERY
DEAR FRIEND OF MINE.

NOW, BLOSSOM GIRL,
THIS IS SHERRY.

DON'T TRY TO PULL
THE BEDCLOTHES

OVER MY EYES.
DON'T TELL ME

YOU WOULDN'T LIKE
TO BE LADY BOTTOMLY

WITH £100,000 A YEAR
AND 12 CASTLES.

BY THE WAY, HAS HE
HAD HIS TEETH FIXED YET?

EVERY TIME I ORDER
ROQUEFORT CHEESE,

I THINK OF THOSE TEETH.

SHERRY, REALLY!

CEDRIC MAY NOT BE
BRILLIANT,

BUT HE'S RATHER
SWEET, POOR LAMB,

AND VERY FOND OF ME.

AFTER ALL,
IF I CAN MARRY HIM,

I DON'T SEE
WHY I SHOULDN'T.

SHALL I TELL YOU SOMETHING,
SHERRY, DARLING?

I THINK, FROM SOMETHING
HE SAID TO ME,

THAT HE'S FINALLY
COMING AROUND TO IT.

NOTHING DEFINITE,
BUT DON'T BE SURPRISED

IF I AM LADY BOTTOMLY
BEFORE LONG.

LADY BOTTOMLY.

WON'T KANSAS CITY
BE SURPRISED?

HOWEVER, I SHALL BE
A FLOWER GIRL,

AND SHALL GIVE THE GROOM
AN IRON TOOTHPICK

AS A WEDDING PRESENT.

NOW, COME ON,
MY BLOSSOM,

I WANT SOME MORE
OF YOUR SKULDUGGERY.

WELL, AT--

OH, UH,
MR. WHITESIDE--

OH, NO.
I'M BUSY NOW.

YES, BUT I--

GO AWAY!

YES, SIR.
YES, SIR.

[PENGUIN SQUAWKING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

WHAT WAS THAT?

HE'S FIXING
THE PLUMBING.

NOW, COME ON.
I WANT SOME NEWS.

BUT, SHERRY, DARLING,
WHAT ABOUT THIS PLAY?

AFTER ALL, I'VE COME
ALL THE WAY FROM PALM BEACH,

EVEN ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
I'VE BEEN SO EXCITED

EVER SINCE YOU
TELEPHONED ME ABOUT IT.

WHEN CAN I READ IT?

HERE'S THE SITUATION.
THIS YOUNG AUTHOR--

HIS NAME IS
BERT JEFFERSON--

BROUGHT ME THE PLAY SO I
SEND
IT TO KATHARINE CORNELL.

IT'S A MAGNIFICENT PART,

AND I FEEL DISLOYAL
TO KITT.

SHERRY.
I'VE DONE THIS MUCH.

THE REST IS UP TO YOU.
HE'S YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE.

JUST HOW YOU'LL GO ABOUT
PERSUADING HIM

I'M SURE YOU KNOW MORE
ABOUT THAN I DO,

OH, DARLING,

HOW CAN I EVER
THANK YOU?

DOES HE KNOW
I'M COMING?

THIS YOUNG MAN,
I MEAN.

NO, NO, NO!

YOU'RE OUT HERE
VISITING ME.

YOU'LL MEET HIM,
AND THAT'S THAT.

GO OUT TO DINNER AND WORK
AROUND TO THE PLAY.

I DON'T HAVE TO
TELL YOU THESE THINGS.

SHERRY!

I'LL RUN BACK AND GET INTO
SOMETHING MORE ATTRACTIVE.

I DUMPED MY BAGS AND
RUSHED RIGHT OVER HERE.

DARLING,
YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

ALRIGHT.
NOW RUN ALONG

AND GET INTO YOUR
WORKING CLOTHES.

THEN YOU COME BACK AND SPEND
CHRISTMAS EVE WITH SHERRY

I'LL HAVE
MR. JEFFERSON ON TAP.

AND DON'T MENTION
A WORD OF THE PLAY

IN FRONT OF MAGGIE.

SHE'S A FRIEND
OF KITT CORNELL'S.

I'LL JUST BE POLITE
WITH MAGGIE.

OH, I'VE GOT A LITTLE
SURPRISE FOR YOU.

WHO DO YOU SUPPOSE IS PAYING
ME A VISIT TONIGHT?

NONE OTHER THAN
YOUR OLD FRIEND

AND FELLOW ACTOR
BEVERLY CARLTON.

BEVERLY? REALLY?

I THOUGHT HE WAS
BEING GLAMOROUS AGAIN

ON A TRAMP STEAMER.

OH, COME, COME, BLOSSOM.
MUSTN'T BE BITTER

JUST BECAUSE HE GOT
BETTER NOTICES THAN YOU DID.

DON'T BE SILLY, SHERRY.
I NEVER READ NOTICES.

I SIMPLY WOULDN'T CARE
TO ACT WITH HIM AGAIN.

HE'S NOT STAYING HERE,
IS HE? I HOPE NOT.

TEMPER, TEMPER, TEMPER.
NO, HE'S NOT.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT
DIAMOND BRACELET, DEAR?

THAT'S A NEW BIT
OF LOOT?

HAVEN'T YOU SEEN
THIS BEFORE?

CEDRIC GAVE IT TO ME
FOR HIS MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY.

SHE WAS SIMPLY FURIOUS!
OH, BUT, DARLING,

I HAVE A TAXI
WAITING OUTSIDE.

IF I'M TO GET BACK--

Maggie: SHERRY!

SHERRY, WHAT DO
YOU THINK--

OH, HELLO, MAGGIE.

I KNEW YOU MUST BE
AROUND SOMEWHERE.

HOW ARE YOU, MY DEAR?

SANTA CLAUS HAS
BEEN AT WORK.

LORRAINE-BLOSSOM
JUST DROPPED IN

OUT OF THE BLUE
AND SURPRISED US.

HELLO, LORRAINE.

HELLO.

BERT, IS THAT YOU?
COME RIGHT IN, BERT.

BERT JEFFERSON,
MISS LORRAINE SHELDON.

HOW DO YOU DO,
MISS SHELDON?

HOW DO YOU DO?

I DIDN'T QUITE CATCH
THE NAME: JEFFERSON?

THAT'S RIGHT, PET.

WHY, MR. JEFFERSON,

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE
A NEWSPAPERMAN.

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE
A NEWSPAPERMAN AT ALL.

REALLY? I THOUGHT
IT WAS WRITTEN

ALL OVER ME
IN NEON LIGHTS.

OH, NOT AT ALL.

I SHOULD HAVE SAID

YOU WERE A, OH,
I DON'T KNOW--

AN AVIATOR, AN EXPLORER,
OR SOMETHING.

THEY HAVE THE SAME KIND
OF DASH ABOUT THEM.

I'M SIMPLY ENCHANTED
WITH YOUR LITTLE TOWN,

MR. JEFFERSON.

IT GIVES ONE SUCH
A WARM, GRACIOUS FEELING.

HAVE YOU LIVED HERE
ALL YOUR LIFE?

Bert: PRACTICALLY.

IF YOU WISH TO HEAR
HIS LIFE STORY,

KINDLY DO SO
ON YOUR OWN TIME.

MAGGIE AND I
HAVE WORK TO DO.

GET OUT OF HERE,
JEFFERSON.

ON YOUR WAY, BLOSSOM.

HE'S THE WORLD'S
RUDEST MAN, ISN'T HE?

OH, COULD I DROP YOU,
MR. JEFFERSON?

I'M GOING DOWN
TO THE MANSION HOUSE,

I THINK IT'S CALLED.

THANK YOU,
BUT I'VE GOT MY CAR.

SUPPOSE I DROP YOU?

THAT WOULD BE LOVELY.

WE'LL SEND THE TAXI
RIGHT OFF.

I'LL SEE YOU
LATER, SHERRY, DEAR.

Lorraine:
BYE, MAGGIE.

Bert: GOOD-BYE, MAGGIE.

I'M INVITED BACK
FOR DINNER?

OH, YES. YOU ARE.

AT CHRISTMAS I ALWAYS
FEED THE NEEDY.

NOW, STOP OOZING OUT
AND GET OUT.

COME ON,
MR. JEFFERSON.

I WANNA HEAR MORE ABOUT
THIS CHARMING TOWN OF YOURS,

AND A GREAT DEAL
MORE ABOUT YOU.

IS THERE A COMPANY THAT
BROADCASTS AROUND HERE
ANYWHERE?

HOW MUCH TIME DID YOU SAY THEY
WANT, 4 MINUTES?

THAT'S RIGHT.
4 MINUTES.

MM-HMM.

SHE'S LOOKING VERY
WELL, ISN'T SHE?

YEAH? WHO?

COUNTESS DE CYANIDE.

QUITE A SURPRISE,
WASN'T IT--

HER DROPPING IN
LIKE THIS?

YES. YES, IT WAS.
YES, IT WAS! YEAH. UH--

"AT THIS JOYOUS SEASON
OF THE YEAR,

WITHIN THE HEARTS
OF MEN--"

NO. I CAN'T CUT THAT.

ISN'T IT CURIOUS?
THERE WAS LORRAINE,

SNUG AS A BUG

IN SOMEBODY'S PATIO
IN PALM BEACH.

UH, "ERE THE YULETIDE
SEASON PASS..."

NOW, SHERRY, I THINK
WE WILL TALK A BIT.

JUST BECAUSE A FRIEND HAPPENS TO
COME AND SPEND CHRISTMAS--

I DON'T THINK
SHE HAPPENED

TO COME OUT HERE,
SHERRY.

I DON'T THINK THAT.

SURELY YOU'RE
NOT SUGGESTING

I HAD ANYTHING
TO DO ABOUT IT?

YES, SHERRY, I AM.

MAGGIE! YOU KNOW THAT ONE
OF MY CARDINAL PRINCIPLES

IS NEVER TO INTERFERE
IN OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES,

ABSOLUTELY NEVER!

June: GOOD-BYE,
MR. WHITESIDE.

WE CAN NEVER THANK
YOU ENOUGH.

Richard: YOU'VE CHANGED
OUR WHOLE LIVES.

YES, YES.
WELL, GOOD-BYE.

HAVE A NICE TRIP.
GOOD-BYE.

Both: GOOD-BYE,
MISS CUTLER.

GOOD-BYE.

I SEE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY
WERE TALKING ABOUT.

AS FOR LORRAINE,
NO ONE WAS MORE SURPRISED

THAN I
WHEN SHE WALKED IN.

SHERRY,
I'M WARNING YOU.

THIS MEANS
A GREAT DEAL TO ME.

I WON'T STAND
FOR ANY NONSENSE.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I HAVE A HUNCH
THAT'S BEVERLY.

RUN AND SEE IF IT IS.

GO AHEAD, MAGGIE,
RUN, RUN!

Man: MR. WHITESIDE?

YES, SIR.
COME IN.

THANK YOU.

Maggie: BEVERLY!

MAGPIE!

BEVERLY CARLTON!

COME IN HERE, YOU
PICCADILLY PEN-PUSHER,

AND GAZE UPON A SOUL
IN AGONY.

DON'T TELL ME
HOW YOU ARE, SHERRY.

I WANT NONE
OF THE TIRESOME DETAILS.

I'VE VERY LITTLE TIME,
AND SO THE CONVERSATION

WILL BE ENTIRELY ABOUT ME,
AND I'LL LOVE IT.

I'LL TELL YOU HOW I
GLITTERED THROUGH THE SOUTH
SEAS

LIKE A SILVERY SCIMITAR,

OR RATHER HEAR HOW I
FINISHED A 3-ACT PLAY

WITH ONE HAND AND MADE LOVE
TO A MAHARAJAH'S DAUGHTER

WITH THE OTHER?

IT WAS A VERY PRETTY SIGHT.

MAGPIE, YOU ARE THE
MOONFLOWER
OF MY MIDDLE AGE.

I LOVE YOU.
SAY SOMETHING TENDER TO ME.

BEVERLY, DARLING.

THAT'S MY GIRL.

SHERRY, WITHOUT GOING
INTO MOUNTAINOUS WAVES

OF SELF-PITY,
HOW ARE YOU?

I'M FINE,

YOU PRESUMPTUOUS
COTTONHEAD.

HOW WAS THIS
TRIP, WONDERFUL?

THE TRIP WAS FABULOUS.

I WROTE 2 PLAYS,
A REVIEW,

AND AN OPERETTA--

ALL OF THEM SO BRILLIANT
THAT THEY FRIGHTEN ME.

HOW CAN ONE MAN POSSIBLY
BE AS CLEVER AS I AM?

IT'S ONE OF
THE MYSTERIES

OF THE UNIVERSE.

BEVERLY, A VERY
DEAR FRIEND OF YOURS

IS VISITING US--

THE LANGUOROUS
LORRAINE.

OH, MISS SHELDON.
YES. DEAR GIRL.

THEY DO SAY SHE
SET FIRE TO HER MOTHER,

BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

DID YOU SEE MY
WONDERFUL BANJO

WHEN YOU WERE
IN HOLLYWOOD?

I DID, AND HE GAVE
A DINNER FOR ME.

I ARRIVED IN
WHITE TIE AND TAILS

TO BE MET AT THE ENTRANCE
BY 2 BEWIGGED BUTLERS,

WHO VERY QUIETLY PROCEEDED
TO TAKE OFF MY TROUSERS.

I WAS THEN USHERED
IN MY LEMON SILK SHORTS

INTO THE ROOM,
WHERE THERE WAS

NORMA SHEARER,
CLAUDETTE COLBERT,

AND MANY, MANY
OTHERS. HA HA HA!

DEAR, INCOMPARABLE BANJO.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT
SUMMER ON THE RIVIERA

WHEN BANJO
PUT A MICROPHONE

IN LORRAINE'S CABANA
AND THEN PLAYED

THE RECORD
THE NEXT DAY AT LUNCH.

I REMEMBER VERY WELL.

AND SHE LEFT
BY THE VERY NEXT BOAT.

I WISH BANJO
WERE HERE NOW.

OH, MY POOR,
SWEET, LITTLE MAGPIE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

IS LORRAINE BEING
HER DEAR, SWEET,

SICK-MAKING LITTLE SELF?

YOU WOULDN'T
TAKE HER AWAY WITH YOU,

WOULD YOU, BEVERLY?
JUST FOR ME?

NOW, LORRAINE
IS A CHARMING PERSON

WHO HAS
GALLANTLY GIVEN UP

HER CHRISTMAS
TO SPEND IT WITH ME.

I KNEW I HAD A
LITTLE BIT OF DIRT.

OH, MR. WHITESIDE?

WHAT? OH, NO.

I'M VERY BUSY
NOW. GO AWAY!

OH, THAT'S ALRIGHT.
I'LL WAIT.

YOU KIDNAP
SOMEONE, SHERRY?

NO. THAT WAS SUPERMAN.

NOW, COME ON. IS THIS
SOMETHING JUICY?

JUICY AS
A POMEGRANATE.

IT'S THE LATEST
REPORT FROM PALM BEACH

ON THE WINTER MANEUVERS
OF LORRAINE SHELDON

AGAINST THE LEFT FLANK,

OR RATHER, ALL FLANKS
OF LORD CEDRIC BOTTOMLY.

LISTEN. "LORRAINE ARRIVED
HERE IN NOVEMBER

"IN A CLOUD
OF CHANEL NO. 5.

"SINCE THEN,

"IN HER RELENTLESS
PURSUIT OF OLD CEDRIC,

"SHE HAS PAUSED ONLY
TO CHANGE GIRDLES

"AND CHECK HER OIL.

"SHE HAS CHASED HIM,
PANTING,

"FROM BEACH HOUSE
TO BEACH HOUSE,

"UNTIL HE FINALLY TOOK REFUGE
FOR SEVERAL WEEKENDS

"IN THE MEN'S LOCKER ROOMS
OF THE TURF AND JOCKEY CLUB.

"CEDRIC IS HIDING
IN CAROLINA AT THE MOMENT,

"BUT LORRAINE WOULD FLY
TO HIM IN A STRATOLINER

IF HE SO MUCH AS SNEEZED
IN HER DIRECTION."

HAVE YOU MET
OUR LITTLE CEDRIC, MAGGIE?

Maggie:
NO, I HAVEN'T.

"NOT VERY GOOD SHOOTIN'
TODAY, B-BLAST IT.

"ONLY S-SIX PHEASANT,

F-FOUR DUCK,
AND MY C-COUSIN ARCHIE."

THAT'S BOTTOMLY
TO HIS VERY FINGERTIPS.

HA HA HA! BUT
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

NOBODY COULD BE
LIKE THAT.

IT'S SO GOOD,
IT'S UNCANNY.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RACE
RIGHT OUT OF HERE?

I NEVER SEE ENOUGH OF YOU,
YOU UNGRATEFUL MOPPET.

SHERRY, ALL I CAN
TELL YOU

IS THAT MY ESTEEM
FOR YOU IS SO GREAT

THAT I CHANGED TRAINS
IN CHICAGO

JUST TO SPEND
10 MINUTES WITH YOU

AND WISH YOU A MERRY
CHRISTMAS, MY LAD.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

AND YOU, MY LITTLE
MAGPIE.

BEVERLY, DEAR.

GOOD EVENING.

YOU'LL FIND MR. WHITESIDE
IN THE LIVING ROOM.

THANK YOU.
COME, BOYS.

HELLO, MR. WHITESIDE.

HELLO! COME IN,
WESCOTT.

AH, THE AIRWAVES.

I SHAN'T HAVE TO LISTEN
TO YOU, THANK HEAVEN.

I SHALL BE ON THE TRAIN.

MR. WESCOTT, WILL YOU GO
IN THE LIBRARY?

JOHN, WILL YOU
HELP THE MEN?

YES, MISS CUTLER.

RIGHT THIS WAY,
GENTLEMEN.

COME ON, SHERRY.
SAY GOOD-BYE.

OH, STOP
THIS NONSENSE, MAGGIE!

AU REVOIR, MY FABULOUS
CREAM PUFF.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WANT TO TALK TO BEVERLY.

YOU CAN KISS BEVERLY IN
MACY'S WINDOW ON JULY 4.

I WILL NOT BE
RUSHED OUT OF THIS ROOM

LIKE A BABY THAT HAS TO HAVE
ITS THINGAMABOBS CHANGED.

WELL!

BEV, I WANT ONE
MINUTE OF YOUR TIME.

I'VE GOTTA HAVE IT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I'M IN GREAT TROUBLE.

WHAT IS IT, MAGGIE?

I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE.

NO!
FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN MY LIFE,

I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE.

I CAN'T TELL YOU NOW.
THERE ISN'T TIME.

BUT SHERRY'S TRYING
TO BREAK IT UP.

THE OLD FLOUNDER.
WHAT'S HE DOING?

HE'S BROUGHT LORRAINE
HERE TO SMASH IT UP.

IT'S SOMEBODY HERE
IN THIS TOWN?

YES. HE'S A NEWSPAPERMAN.

YOU'LL SEE HIM
AT THE STATION.

YOU SEE,
HE'S WRITTEN A PLAY,

AND SHERRY IS
USING THAT AS BAIT.

LORRAINE WILL EAT HIM ALIVE.
YOU'VE GOTTA HELP.

WHAT DO YOU WANT
ME TO DO?

LORRAINE'S COMING BACK HERE

I THOUGHT PERHAPS THAT YOU'D

F-F-F-F ST-ST-ST-ST...

HA HA HA!

DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD,
MAGGIE.

AND I SHALL LOVE IT.

I SHALL ABSOLUTELY
LOVE IT.

WHAT'S MORE, IT CROSSES
UP SHERRY AND LORRAINE

AT THE SAME TIME.

OOH HOO HOO!
IT'S PURE HEAVEN.

I ADORE IT.
I MUST FLY. QUICK!

OH, BEVERLY,
YOU'RE WONDERFUL!

I KNOW I AM.

COME TO MY HOUSE
FOR YOUR HONEYMOON.

WE'LL NAME THE FIRST
BABY BEVERLY.

DARLING, I LOVE YOU!

DON'T SPARE
THE HORSES, MY MAN.

A WOMAN'S
HONOR IS AT STAKE.

[PENGUIN SQUAWKING]

THERE YOU ARE,
MY PRETTY! THERE.

HOLLYWOOD CALLING YOU,
MR. WHITESIDE.

OH, THANK YOU,
JOHN.

HELLO?

BANJO! HELLO,
BANJO, OLD BOY.

HOW ARE YOU, YOU
FEEBLE-MINDED ACTOR?

HELLO, WHITESIDE!
HOW'S TRICKS?

I HEAR YOU BROKE
YOUR HIP

CHASING A BLONDE.
HA HA HA!

NO, NO. MY BUSTLE'S FINE.
COULDN'T BE BETTER.

MAGGIE? WELL, SHE'S LOST
HER MIND TEMPORARILY,

BUT I'M FIXING THAT.

LISTEN, BANJO. DID YOU
REVERSE THE CHARGES?

YOU DIDN'T? WELL,
CALL THE OPERATOR

AND TELL HER TO DO IT.

JUST A LITTLE CHRISTMAS
PRESENT TO YOU FROM MY
HOST.

WELL, I CAN'T WASTE
MY TIME

TALKING TO A LOT
OF HOLLYWOOD RIFFRAFF.

JUST GET ON A PLANE
RIGHT AWAY.

I'LL THINK IT OVER.
I, UH--

HELLO, BANJO?
IF I KNOW BANJO,

WE WERE CUT OFF
BY A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

IS THERE ANYTHING
I CAN DO

BEFORE THE BROADCAST,
MISS CUTLER?

NO, JOHN,
THANK YOU.

IT ISN'T TELEVISION,
THANK HEAVEN.

THEY ONLY HEAR
HIS LIQUID VOICE.

HE'S REALLY WONDERFUL,
ISN'T HE?

THE THINGS
HE FINDS TIME TO DO.

YES. HE CERTAINLY STICKS
HIS NOSE INTO EVERYTHING.

John: GOOD EVENING,
MISS SHELDON.

Lorraine:
GOOD EVENING, JOHN.

HELLO, DEAR.
WHERE'S SHERRY?

INSIDE, WORKING.

OH?

HE'S ON THE AIR
VERY SOON.

OH, OF COURSE.

THAT'S QUITE A GETUP
YOU HAVE ON, LORRAINE.

THIS? OH, I JUST THREW
ON ANYTHING AT ALL.

AREN'T YOU DRESSING
FOR DINNER?

NO. JUST WHAT
MEETS THE EYE.

WHO DOES
YOUR HAIR, MAGGIE?

A LITTLE FRENCH WOMAN
NAMED MAGGIE CUTLER

COMES IN EVERY MORNING.

YOU KNOW,
EVERY TIME I SEE YOU,

I KEEP THINKING YOUR HAIR
COULD BE SO LOVELY.

I ALWAYS WANT TO GET
MY HANDS ON IT.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED TO GET MINE

ON YOURS, LORRAINE.

WHAT, DEAR?

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

HOW LONG WILL SHERRY
BE IN THERE?

NOT LONG.

LORRAINE, DID YOU KNOW
THAT MR. JEFFERSON

HAS WRITTEN
QUITE A GOOD PLAY?

THE YOUNG MAN WHO DROVE YOU
TO THE HOTEL THIS MORNING.

OH, REALLY? NO, I DIDN'T.
ISN'T THAT INTERESTING?

YES, ISN'T IT?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

HELLO?

[NO AUDIO]

YES. YES.
MISS LORRAINE SHELDON?

SHE'S HERE, YES.
JUST A MINUTE.

A LONG-DISTANCE CALL
FOR YOU, LORRAINE.

LONG DISTANCE
FOR ME? HERE?

WHY, WHAT
IN THE WORLD?

IT'S SOUTH CAROLINA.

OH! SOUTH CAROLINA.

HELLO? HELLO?
CEDRIC?

OH, WHY, CEDRIC!
WHY, WHAT A SURPRISE.

WELL, HOW DID YOU
KNOW I WAS HERE?

LORRAINE, MY SWEET,
I WAS--I WAS SO UPSET TO RETURN

A-A-AND FIND YOU GONE.

I WAS DEVASTATED.

ABSOLUTELY
D-D-D-DEVASTATED.

I--I SIMPLY HAD TO CALL
YOU AND C-C-C--I LOVE YOU.

WHAT?

DARLING, DON'T TALK
SO FAST,

AND YOU
WON'T STUTTER SO.

YES. YES, THAT'S BETTER.

YES. NOW I CAN HEAR YOU
VERY CLEARLY.

IT'S AS THOUGH YOU WERE
JUST AROUND THE CORNER.

I SEE.

I SAID I SIMPLY
HAD TO CALL YOU

AND T-T-TELL YOU HOW MUCH
I L-L-L-L-LO--I ADORE YOU.

WHAT?! OH, DARLING, I--

CEDRIC, WILL YOU WAIT
JUST A MOMENT, PLEASE?

MAGGIE, DO YOU MIND?

LORD BOTTOMLY--
A VERY PERSONAL CALL.

DO YOU MIND?

NOT AT ALL.

YES, MY DEAREST,
NOW TELL ME.

[NO AUDIO]

CEDRIC, PLEASE
DON'T STUTTER SO!

DON'T BE NERVOUS!

LORRAINE, MY SWEET,

I--I GOT IN TOUCH
WITH M-M-M-MATER,

AND SHE'S GIVEN HER C-CONSENT
TO OUR B-BETROTHAL.

LORRAINE, MY DARLING,

WILL YOU M-M-MA-MA-MA--
WILL YOU BE MY WIFE?

OH, DARLING, YES!
A THOUSAND TIMES, YES!

OH, MY DARLING.
OH, MY SWEET,

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I'VE
PRAYED FOR THIS EVERY
NIGHT.

I'LL TAKE A PLANE
RIGHT OUT OF HERE. WHAT?

[NO AUDIO]

CEDRIC, PLEASE
DON'T STUTTER SO!

YES, AND I LOVE YOU,
MY DARLING...

OH, SO MUCH!

OH, MY SWEET,
YES, I WILL.

I'LL BE THINKING
OF YOU EVERY MOMENT.

YOU'VE MADE ME
THE HAPPIEST GIRL

IN THE WORLD.

GOOD-BYE. GOOD-BYE,
DARLING. GOOD-BYE.

SHERRY? SHERRY!

SHERRY, DARLING, I CAN
HARDLY WAIT TO TELL YOU.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!

THE MOST WONDERFUL
THING HAS HAPPENED.

CEDRIC JUST CALLED
FROM SOUTH CAROLINA.

HE'S ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM.

WHAT?

Lorraine: THINK OF IT!

I MUST CATCH THE NEXT PLANE.

MAY I COME IN NOW,
LORRAINE?

OH, MAGGIE, DARLING,

CAN I GET A PLANE
OUT OF HERE?

THE MOST WONDERFUL THING
IN THE WORLD'S HAPPENED.

LORD BOTTOMLY'S ASKED ME
TO MARRY HIM. MAGGIE!

REALLY?
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

I'M SO EXCITED
I CAN HARDLY THINK.

YOU MUST HELP ME
GET OUT OF HERE.

I'D BE DELIGHTED TO.

CAN YOU LOOK UP
THINGS RIGHT AWAY?

YES. I HAVE
TIMETABLE OVER HERE.

AND IF YOU CAN'T CATCH
A PLANE OUT OF HERE,

I'LL DRIVE YOU
TO CLEVELAND.

MAGGIE, YOU'RE
WONDERFUL! SHERRY!

SHERRY, DARLING,
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU HAVEN'T SAID
A WORD.

YOU HAVEN'T
EVEN CONGRATULATED ME.

LET ME UNDERSTAND THIS,
LORRAINE.

AM I TO GATHER
FROM YOUR GIRLISH SQUEALS

THAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO TOSS
YOUR CAREER INTO THE ASHCAN?

WELL, SHERRY,
YOU COULDN'T EXPECT--

DON'T EXPLAIN, LORRAINE.
I UNDERSTAND ONLY TOO WELL.

I ALSO UNDERSTAND
WHY CORNELL

REMAINS THE FIRST
ACTRESS OF OUR THEATER.

WE'RE IN LUCK.

THERE'S A PLANE OUT
OF CLEVELAND AT 10:03.

IT TAKES AN HOUR
TO DRIVE OVER.

ISN'T EVERYTHING WORKING
OUT BEAUTIFULLY?

PEACHY!

WHAT'S THE NAME OF
THE HOTEL?

I WANNA GET MY MAID
TO START PACKING.

THE MANSION HOUSE.

MANSION HOUSE, PLEASE.

OH, IT'S SNOWING.
ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?

I NEVER FELT
SO MUCH LIKE CHRISTMAS

IN ALL MY LIFE.

DON'T YOU, SHERRY, DEAR?

SHUT YOUR NASTY
LITTLE FACE!

HELLO? HELLO?
THIS IS MISS SHELDON.

PUT ME THROUGH
TO MY MAID, PLEASE.

COSETTE? NOW, LISTEN
CAREFULLY, COSETTE.

WE'RE LEAVING BY PLANE
TONIGHT FOR SOUTH CAROLINA.

I WANT YOU TO START
PACKING IMMEDIATELY,

I'LL CALL FOR YOU
IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

I WANT YOU TO SEND
SOME TELEGRAMS FOR ME.

HAVE YOU GOT A PENCIL? RIGHT.
NOW, THE FIRST ONE GOES

TO THE DUCHESS OF SOUTHERLAND.
SHE'S IN NEWPORT.

YOU'LL FIND ALL THESE
ADDRESSES IN THE BOOK.

IT'S IN MY DRESSING
CASE. ALL READY?

"DARLING, CEDRIC AND I

"ARE BEING MARRIED TOMORROW,
SOUTH CAROLINA.

WANTED YOU TO BE THE FIRST
TO KNOW. LOVE, LORRAINE."

OH, MADAME, I AM SO HAPPY!
AT LAST YOU HAVE HOOKED HIM.

THANK YOU, COSETTE.
THANK YOU.

I WANT YOU TO SEND THE
SAME MESSAGE

TO MR. AND MRS.
PERRY LIVINGSTON,

MRS. CORNELIUS VANDERBILT,
AND MY MOTHER IN KANSAS CITY.

NOW I'LL SEND A WIRE
TO TIFFANY'S, NEW YORK:

"CAN YOU BRING TO SOUTH
CAROLINA
THE TRIPLE STRING OF PEARLS

I PICKED OUT IN OCTOBER?
LORRAINE SHELDON."

NOW, HAVE YOU GOT ALL THAT
STRAIGHT, COSETTE?

THAT'S FINE.
OH, YOU MUST HURRY, DEAR.

I'LL BE THERE IN ABOUT AN HOUR,
AND YOU MUSTN'T BE LATE.

ALRIGHT. GOOD-BYE.

THANK GOODNESS FOR COSETTE.
I'D DIE WITHOUT HER.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
AN HOUR AGO

I'D BE ON MY WAY
TO SOUTH CAROLINA?

LIFE IS JUST FULL
OF SURPRISES, ISN'T IT?

WILL YOU BOTH STOP
THIS FEMALE DROOLING?

I HAVE A VIOLENT
HEADACHE.

OH, SHERRY. CAN I
GET YOU SOMETHING?

NOW, LOOK HERE,
SHERRY.

AFTER ALL,
MY LIFE IS MY OWN.

GOOD EVENING,
MR. JEFFERSON.

HELLO, JOHN.

HELLO, EVERYBODY.

SAY, DO YOU KNOW
IT'S SNOWING OUT?

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A REAL
OLD-FASHIONED CHRISTMAS.

WHY DON'T YOU
TELEPHONE YOUR SCOOP

TO THE ASSOCIATED PRESS?!

HA HA HA!

MISS SHELDON HAS TO CATCH A
PLANE FROM CLEVELAND.

SHALL WE DRIVE HER OVER?

WHY, CERTAINLY.
OH, THANKS, MAGGIE.

SORRY YOU HAVE
TO GO, MISS SHELDON.

NO BAD NEWS, I HOPE.

OH, ON THE CONTRARY,

VERY GOOD NEWS--
WONDERFUL NEWS!

Maggie: YES, INDEED.
CALLS FOR A DRINK, I THINK.

YOU'RE NOT A VERY GOOD HOST.
HOW ABOUT A BOTTLE OF
CHAMPAGNE?

Bert: OH, I CAN DO BETTER.

LET ME MIX YOU
A JEFFERSON SPECIAL.

HOW ABOUT IT,
MR. WHITESIDE?

OH, YES, YES,
YES, YES!

MIX ANYTHING,
ONLY STOP DRIVELING!

ANYBODY ADMIRED MY CHRISTMAS
PRESENT YET, MAGGIE?

OH, I FORGOT.

FROM MR. JEFFERSON TO ME.

OH, MAGGIE,
LET ME SEE!

WHY, THAT'S CHARMING.

THAT'S A LOVELY
CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

ISN'T THAT SWEET,
SHERRY?

DUCKY!

HA HA HA!

I TOLD YOU IT WAS
BEAUTIFUL, BERTSIE.

WHAT'S GOING ON
BETWEEN YOU TWO?

MAGGIE, ARE YOU HIDING
SOMETHING FROM US?

GREAT HEAVENS! WILL
THIS DRIVEL NEVER STOP?

MY HEAD IS BURSTING!

MY JEFFERSON SPECIAL
WILL CURE ANYTHING.

BY THE WAY, MAGGIE,

I GOT A ONE-MINUTE
INTERVIEW

WITH BEVERLY CARLTON
AT THE STATION.

YOU WERE RIGHT.
HE'S QUITE SOMETHING!

GO AHEAD AND MIX
THE DRINKS, WILL YOU?

I WAS LUCKY. HE WAS IN A
TELEPHONE BOOTH MOSTLY.

MIX THE DRINKS,
WILL YOU?

COULDN'T HEAR
WHAT HE WAS SAYING,

BUT IT LOOKED LIKE A SCENE
FROM ONE OF HIS PLAYS.

JUST A MOMENT, IF YOU
PLEASE, MR. JEFFERSON.

MR. CARLTON WAS
IN A TELEPHONE BOOTH

AT THE STATION?

I THOUGHT HE'D
NEVER COME OUT.

KEPT TALKING
AND MAKING

THE DARNDEST FACES
FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES.

AH, BERT, MY BOY,

I FEEL I'M GONNA LOVE
THE JEFFERSON SPECIAL.

MAKE ME A DOUBLE ONE,
WILL YOU?

MY HEADACHE
IS GONE WITH THE WIND.

OKAY!

PHILO VANCE
IS NOW AT WORK.

OPERATOR? HAVE THERE BEEN
ANY CALLS OVER THIS PHONE

FROM SOUTH CAROLINA

DURING THE PAST HALF-HOUR?

YES, I'LL WAIT.

SHERRY, WHAT
IS ALL THIS?

SHH!

WHAT'S THAT?

THERE HAVE BEEN NO CALLS

FROM SOUTH CAROLINA
AT ANY TIME?

THANK YOU. NOW, WILL YOU
REPEAT THAT, PLEASE?

BLOSSOM GIRL...

HEAR IT, DEAR?

THANK YOU, OPERATOR,
AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!

SHERRY, WHAT IS ALL
THIS? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

YOU JUST PLAYED THE GREATEST
LOVE SCENE OF YOUR CAREER

WITH YOUR OLD FRIEND
BEVERLY CARLTON.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I WAS TALKING TO CEDRIC!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

MY BLOSSOM,
THAT WAS BEVERLY

YOU POURED OUT YOUR HEART TO,
NOT LORD BOTTOMLY!

WHO WOULD HAVE
THOUGHT 5 MINUTES AGO

THAT YOU WOULD NOT
BE GOING TO SOUTH CAROLINA?

SHERRY, I WANT
THIS EXPLAINED!

EXPLAINED?
YOU'VE HEARD BEVERLY

IMITATE LORD BOTTOMLY
BEFORE, HAVEN'T YOU?

WHY, YES, YES,
OF COURSE, BUT WHY?

WHY IN THE WORLD

WOULD HE WANT TO DO
SUCH A THING?

WHY, THIS IS
THE MOST DREADFUL--

OH! ALL THOSE
TELEGRAMS!

GIVE ME THE HOTEL
WHATEVER-IT'S-CALLED.

I WANT THE HOTEL!

THE RAT! I'LL PAY HIM
BACK FOR THIS

IF IT'S THE LAST THING--

WHY, THE SKUNK! THE DIRTY,
ROTTEN--MANSION HOUSE?

CONNECT ME WITH MY MAID.

WHAT?! WHO THE DEVIL
DO YOU THINK IT IS?

MISS SHELDON, OF COURSE!

OH, IF ONLY COSETTE
HASN'T SENT THOSE--

COSETTE--COSETTE, DID YOU
SEND THOSE TELEGRAMS?

OH. OH, NOW, LISTEN,
COSETTE.

I WANT YOU TO SEND ANOTHER
TELEGRAM TO EVERY ONE OF THEM.

TELL THEM SOMEBODY'S
BEEN USING MY NAME

AND TO DISREGARD
ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING

THEY HEAR FROM ME,
EXCEPT THIS, OF COURSE!

DON'T ASK QUESTIONS.
DO AS YOU'RE TOLD!

DON'T ARGUE WITH ME,
YOU FRENCH MORON!

DO AS YOU'RE TOLD
AND UNPACK! WE'RE NOT GOING!

Sherry: BLOSSOM,
TAKE IT EASY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I'M GOING TO BE
THE LAUGHING STOCK OF NEW YORK.

I ALWAYS KNEW
BEVERLY CARLTON WAS LOW,

BUT NOT THIS LOW!

WHY? WHY? WHY WOULD
ANYONE IN THE WORLD

WANT TO PLAY
A SILLY TRICK LIKE THIS?

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT!

DO YOU, SHERRY?
DO YOU, MAGGIE?

WHY WOULD HE WALK OUT OF HERE,
GO STRAIGHT TO A TELEPHONE BOOTH

TRY AND SEND ME TO SOUTH
CAROLINA ON A FOOL'S ERRAND?

THERE MUST BE
SOME REASON!

WHY WOULD
BEVERLY CARLTON,

OR ANYONE ELSE
FOR THAT MATTER,

WANT ME TO--

OH! I THINK I BEGIN--

OF COURSE! OF COURSE!
THAT'S IT!

YES, AND THAT'S
A VERY CHARMING BRACELET

MR. JEFFERSON GAVE YOU.

ISN'T IT, MAGGIE,
MY DEAR?

IT MAKES
COMPLETE SENSE NOW.

AND TO THINK
THAT I NEARLY--

WELL, WILD HORSES COULDN'T GET
ME OUT OF HERE NOW, MAGGIE.

AND IF I WERE YOU,
I'D HANG ON

TO THAT CHARMING
BRACELET, MY DEAR.

IT'LL BE SOMETHING
TO REMEMBER HIM BY.

ALRIGHT, MR. WHITESIDE.
IT'S ALMOST TIME.

HOOK HIM UP, BOYS,
AND START TESTING, WILL YOU?

HELP US MOVE THIS FURNITURE
OUT OF THE WAY.

HERE'S THE NEW SCRIPT.

COME, DAISY.

Man: TESTING.
1, 2, 3, 4.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB.

1, 2, 3, 4. MARY HAD
A LITTLE LAMB.

HERE COMES
THE JEFFERSON SPECIAL.

- OH, HAVE WE TIME?
- I'M SURE WE DO, MR. JEFFERSON.

I'M NOT LEAVING AFTER ALL.
MY PLANS ARE CHANGED.

REALLY? OH,
THAT'S GOOD.

AND YOU CAN READ THE
PLAY TO ME TONIGHT.

WE'LL GO BACK TO THE MANSION
HOUSE RIGHT AFTER DINNER.

I'D BE DELIGHTED.
MAGGIE, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

SAY, I'LL BET YOU DID THIS.
YOU ARRANGED THE WHOLE THING.

WELL, IT'S THE FINEST CHRISTMAS
PRESENT YOU COULD'VE GIVEN ME.

MAGGIE! MAGGIE!

[DOOR SLAMS]

- MR. WHITESIDE.
- I DON'T NEED IT.

MY SON HAS RUN OFF
ON A FREIGHTER,

AND MY DAUGHTER
IS MARRYING A UNITER!

OH, I SEE
YOU'RE STILL BUSY.

STAND BACK FROM
THE MICROPHONE!

LET MR. WHITESIDE
BROADCAST, PLEASE.

[PENGUINS SQUAWKING]

Wescott: GET THE HECK
OUT OF HERE.

WE'RE GOING ON AIR!

ALRIGHT, BOYS.
STEP RIGHT THIS WAY.

WE'LL USE THE
MICROPHONE OVER HERE.

SNAP INTO IT, FELLAS.
SNAP INTO IT!

OKAY, NEW YORK.

Wescott: CREAM OF MUSH

BRINGS YOU
SHERIDAN WHITESIDE.

♪ SILENT NIGHT... ♪

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

A PENGUIN BIT ME.

♪ ALL IS CALM... ♪

THIS IS WHITESIDE SPEAKING.

ON THIS EVE OF EVES,

WHEN MY OWN HEART IS OVERFLOWING
WITH PEACE AND KINDNESS,

I THINK IT'S MOST FITTING
TO TELL, ONCE AGAIN,

THE STORY OF THAT STILL
AND LUSTROUS NIGHT.

A FINE CHRISTMAS
MORNING--

MRS. STANLEY UP THERE
CRYING IN HER ROOM,

MR. STANLEY OFF
IN CHICAGO SOMEPLACE.

YOU THINK HE'LL CATCH THEM
IN TIME TO STOP THE MARRIAGE?

I DON'T KNOW, SARAH.

NOBODY KNOWS WHERE
MR. RICHARD WENT.

EVEN MR. WHITESIDE NEAR BIT
MY HEAD OFF THIS MORNING

WHEN I ASKED IF
HE WANTED BREAKFAST.

MISS CUTLER DIDN'T TAKE
ANY BREAKFAST, EITHER.

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH EVERYBODY?

GOOD MORNING, MR.
WHITESIDE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
MR. WHITESIDE.

OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS,
JOHN, SARAH.

- HAS MISS CUTLER COME DOWN
YET?
- NO, SIR. NOT YET.

- SHE'S STILL IN HER ROOM?

YES, SIR.
SHALL I CALL HER?

- NO. THANK YOU, JOHN.
- YES, SIR.

YOU DON'T THINK IT'S ALL
GOT SOMETHING TO DO

WITH MR. WHITESIDE,
DO YOU? ALL THESE GOINGS-ON?

MR. WHITESIDE? A LOVELY
MAN LIKE HIM? NO!

YOU CAN DROP THAT GUILTY
EXPRESSION, SHERRY.

IT'S NOT
A GUILTY EXPRESSION.

IT'S SIMPLY THAT I HAVEN'T
HAD MY BREAKFAST YET.

NOW, MAGGIE, IF YOU'D
ONLY LISTEN TO REASON--

I'M TAKING THE 1:00 TRAIN.
I'M LEAVING.

YOU'RE DOING NOTHING
OF THE KIND.

HERE ARE YOUR KEYS,
YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE.

THE KEY TO THE SAFETY VAULT IS
IN YOUR APARTMENT IN NEW YORK.

- I'M GOING TO CLEAR THINGS UP.
- NOW JUST A MOMENT, SARAH.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?

I SAT UP HALF THE NIGHT
WORRYING ABOUT YOU.

YOU HEARD ME CALLING TO YOU
WHEN YOU CAME IN.

WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER ME?

LOOK, IT'S
ALL OVER, AND YOU WON.

- I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT
IT.
- OH? COME, COME, COME, COME.

ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME
FEEL LIKE A NAUGHTY BOY?

HONESTLY, MAGGIE, SOMETIMES
YOU CAN BE VERY ANNOYING.

SHERRY, YOU'RE
QUITE WONDERFUL IN A WAY.

YOU'RE ANNOYED.

I WISH I HAD
A LAUGH LEFT IN ME.

SHALL I TELL YOU
SOMETHING, SHERRY?

I THINK YOU'RE
A SELFISH, PETTY EGOMANIAC

WHO WOULD JUST AS SOON SEE HIS
MOTHER BURNING AT A STAKE IF--

WELL, IF THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY
HE HAD OF LIGHTING A CIGARETTE.

I THINK YOU'D SACRIFICE
YOUR BEST FRIEND

WITHOUT A MOMENT'S
HESITATION

IF HE INTERRUPTED
THE SACRED RITUAL

OF YOUR SELF-CENTERED,
PALTRY LITTLE LIFE.

I THINK YOU'RE INCAPABLE

OF ANY EMOTION HIGHER UP
THAN YOUR STOMACH,

AND I WAS THE FOOL OF THE
WORLD
FOR EVER TRUSTING YOU.

WELL.

AS LONG AS I LIVE,

I'LL NEVER DO ANYONE
A GOOD TURN AGAIN.

I SHAN'T ASK YOU TO APOLOGIZE,
MAGGIE, BUT 6 MONTHS FROM NOW,

YOU'LL BE THANKING ME
INSTEAD OF BERATING ME.

SHERRY,
IN 6 MONTHS' TIME,

I'LL BE SO FAR
AWAY FROM YOU THAT--

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DRUNKENLY]
HELLO, HELLO!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I'M A LITTLE HIGH,
BUT I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

HIYA, MAGGIE.
HIYA, MR. WHITESIDE.

SHAKE HANDS WITH
A SUCCESSFUL PLAYWRIGHT.

MAGGIE, WHY DID YOU RUN AWAY
LAST NIGHT? WHERE WERE YOU?

MISS SHELDON THINKS
THE PLAY IS WONDERFUL.

I READ HER THE PLAY,
AND SHE THINKS IT'S
WONDERFUL.

ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?

THAT'S FINE, BERT.

ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL,
MR. WHITESIDE?

JEFFERSON, I THINK YOU
OUGHT TO GO HOME, DON'T YOU?

WHAT? NO!
BIGGEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

I KNOW I'M A LITTLE DRUNK,
BUT THIS IS A BIG DAY.

WE'VE BEEN SITTING OVER IN
BILLY'S TAVERN ALL NIGHT
LONG.

MAGGIE, MISS SHELDON THINKS
THE PLAY NEEDS A LITTLE FIXING.

DO IT IN 3 WEEKS.
WE'RE GOING TO A PLACE

SHE'S GOT IN LAKE PLACID
TO WORK ON THE PLAY TOGETHER.

ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL? WHY DON'T
YOU SAY SOMETHING, MAGGIE?

NOW, BERT, YOU TELL US
ALL ABOUT THIS LATER.

RIGHT NOW,
YOU OUGHT TO GO HOME.

EXCUSE ME. MERRY CHRISTMAS,
EVERYBODY. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I THOUGHT
THAT PERHAPS--

DR. BRADLEY, A FAVOR, PLEASE.
MR. JEFFERSON WOULD LIKE

SOME BLACK COFFEE
AND A LITTLE BREAKFAST.

WOULD YOU TAKE CARE
OF HIM, PLEASE?

- YES, YES, OF COURSE.
- I WANNA BUY IT FOR YOU--

THE BIGGEST BREAKFAST
YOU EVER HAD.

- I KNOW WHAT WE'LL DO,
DOCTOR.
- YES, COME ALONG, JEFFERSON.

LET'S CLIMB DOWN
A COUPLE OF CHIMNEYS.

I'VE GOT A FRIEND THAT
DOESN'T BELIEVE IN SANTA
CLAUS.

LET'S CLIMB DOWN HIS CHIMNEY
AND SCARE THE PANTS OFF OF HIM.

NOW, LOOK HERE, MAGGIE,

I'M WILLING TO FORGIVE
YOUR TAWDRY OUTBURST

AND TALK ABOUT THIS
CALMLY.

OH, SHERRY,
I LOVE HIM SO TERRIBLY.

WHY DID YOU DO IT?
WHY DID YOU DO IT?

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
MR. WHITESIDE.

OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS,
MISS STANLEY.

I'M AFRAID I SHOULDN'T
BE SEEN TALKING TO YOU.

MY BROTHER IS
TERRIBLY ANGRY,

BUT I COULDN'T RESIST
ASKING.

DID YOU LIKE
MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT?

OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY,
MISS STANLEY.

I HAVEN'T OPENED IT YET.

WELL, I HAVEN'T OPENED
ANY OF MY PRESENTS YET.

OH, DEAR. I WAS
SO ANXIOUS TO...

WHY, IT'S RIGHT HERE,
MR. WHITESIDE.

WON'T YOU OPEN IT NOW?

I APPRECIATE THAT
YOU'RE THINKING OF ME

THIS WAY, MISS STANLEY.

IT WAS VERY
THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.

WHY, IT'S LOVELY.

I'M VERY FOND
OF THESE OLD...

PHOTOGRAPHS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I WAS 22
WHEN THAT WAS TAKEN.

THAT WAS
MY FAVORITE DRESS...

BUT DO YOU
REALLY LIKE IT?

I DO INDEED. WHEN
I GET BACK TO TOWN,

I SHALL SEND YOU
A LITTLE GIFT.

WILL YOU? OH, THANK YOU,
MR. WHITESIDE.

I SHALL TREASURE IT.

WELL...

I SHALL BE LATE
FOR CHURCH.

GOODBYE.

GOODBYE.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

SARAH'S GOT A LITTLE
SURPRISE
FOR YOU, MR. WHITESIDE.

SHE'S JUST TAKING IT
OUT OF THE OVEN.

Whiteside:
OH, THANK YOU, JOHN.

WHAT IS THERE
ABOUT THAT WOMAN?

[DOORBELL RINGING]

MISS PREEN!

MISS PREEN!

YES, SIR.
YES, SIR!

MISS PREEN, WHERE DO YOU
HIDE YOURSELF ALL THE TIME?

MR. WHITESIDE, I CAN ONLY BE
IN ONE PLACE AT A TIME.

WELL, THAT'S VERY FORTUNATE
FOR THIS COMMUNITY.

NOW, GO AND ANSWER THE DOOR.
JOHN'S GONE UPSTAIRS.

GO ON!

[DOORBELL RINGING]

AH, MY BEAUTIFUL ONE!

YOU'RE GORGEOUS!
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!

- PUT ME DOWN!
- I LOVE YOU MADLY!

PUT ME DOWN,
DO YOU HEAR?

MADLY! YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?
MADLY! KISS ME!

DON'T YOU DARE KISS ME!
PUT ME DOWN, OR I'LL SCREAM!

DON'T BE AFRAID
OF MY HOT SPANISH BLOOD!

KISS ME! I CAN FEEL
THE HOT BLOOD

POUNDING THROUGH YOUR
VARICOSE VEINS!

- BANJO!
- WHITESIDE!

WILL YOU SIGN
FOR THIS PACKAGE, PLEASE?

PUT THAT WOMAN DOWN.

THAT'S MY NURSE,
YOU MENTAL DELINQUENT.

COME TO MY ROOM
IN A HALF-HOUR...

AND BRING
SOME RYE BREAD.

AAH!

HA HA HA!

REALLY!

MR. WHITESIDE!

HA HA HA!

WHITESIDE, I'M HERE
TO SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH YOU!

I THINK...

I MAY STAY A MONTH...

OR I MAY LEAVE
IMMEDIATELY.

I DON'T KNOW.
THINGS ARE SO UNCERTAIN.

[PLAYING PIANO]

♪ DID YOU EVER HAVE THE
FEELING
THAT YOU WANTED TO GO ♪

♪ AND STILL HAVE THE FEELING
THAT YOU WANTED TO STAY? ♪

♪ YOU KNEW IT WAS RIGHT,
WASN'T WRONG ♪

♪ STILL YOU KNEW
YOU WOULDN'T BE VERY LONG ♪

♪ IT'S TOUGH TO HAVE THE
FEELING
THAT YOU WANTED TO GO ♪

♪ STILL HAVE THE FEELING
THAT YOU WANTED TO STAY ♪

♪ START TO GO,
CHANGE YOUR MIND ♪

♪ START TO GO AGAIN,
BUT CHANGE YOUR MIND AGAIN ♪

♪ AND STILL HAVE THE FEELING
THAT YOU WANTED TO GO ♪

♪ STILL HAVE THE FEELING
THAT YOU WANTED TO STAY ♪

♪ DO, RE, MI, FA,
SOL, LA, SI, DO ♪

♪ I GO ♪

♪ I'LL STAY-- ♪

OH, WILL YOU SHUT UP,
YOU REFORM-SCHOOL
FUGITIVE?

HA HA HA!

WHITESIDE, I LOVES YOU.
I LOVES YOU.

HOW DID YOU
GET HERE, ANYWAY?

SANTA CLAUS LOANED ME
HIS REINDEER.

WHITESIDE, WE FINISHED
SHOOTING THE PICTURE YESTERDAY,

SO WHAT DID I DO?

I BORROWED A B-19
FROM THE ARMY,

AND I'M ON MY WAY
TO NOVA SCOTIA.

OH, SHH.

I'VE BROUGHT YOU
A WONDERFUL PRESENT.

THIS SWEATER WAS ONCE
WORN BY LANA TURNER.

TRY IT ON FOR SIZE.

HOW LONG
CAN YOU STAY?

JUST LONG ENOUGH
TO TAKE A BATH.

AHH!

I'M ON MY WAY TO NOVA
SCOTIA.
WHERE'S MAGGIE?

NOVA SCOTIA? WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO NOVA SCOTIA FOR?

I'M SICK OF HOLLYWOOD,
AND THERE'S A DAME IN NEW YORK

I DON'T WANT TO SEE, SO
I FIGURED I'D GO TO NOVA
SCOTIA

AND GET
SOME SMOKED SALMON.

NOW, WHERE THE DEVIL'S
MAGGIE?
I WANT TO SEE HER.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
WHERE IS SHE?

AH, BUMBUMS.

Whiteside: BANJO,
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

I'M VERY ANNOYED
AT MAGGIE--VERY.

WHY? WHAT'S
THE MATTER?

SAY, WHAT IS THIS?
I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T
WALK.

I'VE BEEN ALRIGHT FOR WEEKS.
THAT ISN'T THE POINT.

I'M FURIOUS AT MAGGIE.
SHE'S TURNED ON ME.

YOU KNOW HOW FOND I AM OF HER.
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,

SHE'S REPAYING MY AFFECTIONS
BY BEHAVING LIKE A FISHWIFE.

IF I BELIEVED THAT SHE WAS
REALLY IN LOVE WITH HIM--

IN LOVE WITH WHO?
I JUST GOT HERE! REMEMBER?

I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU,
YOU HOLLYWOOD NITWIT.

A YOUNG NEWSPAPERMAN
HERE IN TOWN.

SO MAGGIE
FINALLY FELL.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
SAY, WHAT KIND OF A GUY IS HE?

- SHUT UP AND LISTEN, WILL
YOU?
- WELL, GO ON. WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, LORRAINE SHELDON HAPPENED
TO COME OUT HERE AND VISIT ME.

THE "UMPH" GIRL
HERE? WELL--

NOW, LISTEN, THIS YOUNG FELLOW
HAD WRITTEN A PLAY.

WELL, YOU CAN GUESS
THE REST.

HE'S GOING AWAY WITH LORRAINE
THIS AFTERNOON...

TO REWRITE.
HMM.

SO THERE YOU ARE. MAGGIE'S IN
THERE NOW CRYING HER EYES OUT.

GEE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
LORRAINE SHELDON

HAPPENED
TO COME HERE?

I SMELL A RAT, SHERRY--
A RAT WITH A BEARD.

WELL, ALRIGHT,
BUT I DID IT FOR MAGGIE

BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS
THE RIGHT THING FOR HER.

SURE. YOU HAVEN'T THOUGHT
OF YOURSELF IN YEARS.

GEE, POOR KID. CAN I
GO IN AND TALK TO HER?

- OH, LEAVE HER ALONE.
- SAY, WHERE DOES THIS GUY
LIVE?

- CAN WE GET A HOLD OF HIM?
- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, BANJO.

WE DON'T WANT
ANY PHONY WARRANTS

OR YOU PRETENDING TO BE
J. EDGAR HOOVER.

I'VE BEEN ALL THROUGH THAT
WITH YOU BEFORE.

I GOT LORRAINE OUT HERE,
AND I'VE GOT TO GET HER AWAY.

IT'S GOT TO BE
GOOD, SHERRY.

LORRAINE'S NO DOPE. NOW, THERE
MUST BE SOMETHING

THAT'D GET HER OUT OF HERE
LIKE A BAT OUT OF--

I GOT IT. THAT ENGLISHMAN
SHE'S SO CRAZY ABOUT--

WHAT'S HIS NAME AGAIN?

LORD, UH--
LORD BOTTOMLY!

- THAT'S IT-- BOTTOMLY!
- NO, BANJO, NO!

WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU DON'T CATCH ON.

WE SEND LORRAINE A TELEGRAM
FROM THIS BIRD--

I CATCH ON, BANJO. LORRAINE
CAUGHT ON, TOO. IT'S BEEN
TRIED.

OH, I TOLD YOU
LORRAINE WAS NO DOPE.

WELL, YOU'VE GOT A TOUGH
PROPOSITION ON YOUR HANDS.

YES, AND THERE'S
SO LITTLE TIME.

LORRAINE'S TAKING HIM AWAY
WITH HER THIS AFTERNOON.

THERE MUST BE
SOME WAY OUT OF THIS.

OH, I'VE DONE
THIS JOB TOO WELL.

STUCK, HUH?

IN THE WORDS OF
A GREAT LYRIC POET,

YOU SAID IT.

LISTEN, I'M HUNGRY.
DON'T WORRY.

WE'LL THINK OF
SOMETHING, SHERRY.

WE'LL GET LORRAINE
OUT OF HERE

IF I GOTTA DO IT
A PIECE AT A TIME.

[DOOR OPENS]

GET OUT OF MY CHAIR.
GO ON. GET.

MR. WHITESIDE--
OH, EXCUSE ME.

COME RIGHT IN, SARAH.
IT'S QUITE ALRIGHT.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING
FOR YOU.

YOU HAVE?

BUT, MR. WHITESIDE,
IT WAS FOR YOU.

OH, NEVER MIND,
SARAH.

HE'S QUITE MAD.

- COME, PETRUSHKA! WE'LL
DANCE!
- BUT, MR. WHITESIDE--

WE'LL DANCE IN THE SNOW
WHILE ALL ST. PETERSBURG

IS AFLAME
WITH JEALOUSY!

HA HA HA!

JUST GIVE HIM
SOME BREAKFAST, SARAH.

HE'S HARMLESS.

[WHITESIDE LAUGHING]

JUST WHAT
DOES THIS MEAN?

IT MEANS, MR. WHITESIDE,
THAT I AM LEAVING.

MY ADDRESS IS
ON THE DESK INSIDE.

YOU CAN SEND ME
A CHECK.

YOU REALIZE, MISS PREEN, THIS
IS COMPLETELY UNPROFESSIONAL.

I DO INDEED.

I AM NOT ONLY
WALKING OUT

ON THIS CASE,
MR. WHITESIDE,

I AM LEAVING
THE NURSING PROFESSION.

I BECAME A NURSE
BECAUSE ALL MY LIFE,

EVER SINCE I WAS
A LITTLE GIRL,

I WAS FILLED WITH THE IDEA
OF SERVING A SUFFERING
HUMANITY.

AFTER ONE MONTH
WITH YOU, MR. WHITESIDE,

I AM GOING TO WORK
IN A MUNITIONS FACTORY.

FROM NOW ON,
ANYTHING THAT I CAN DO

TO HELP EXTERMINATE
THE HUMAN RACE

WILL FILL ME WITH THE
GREATEST OF PLEASURE.

MR. WHITESIDE,

IF FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE
HAD EVER NURSED YOU,

SHE WOULD HAVE MARRIED
JACK THE RIPPER

INSTEAD OF FOUNDING
THE RED CROSS. GOOD DAY.

[WHITESIDE LAUGHING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[MRS. STANLEY SOBBING]

OH, JUNE!
JUNE, MY BABY!

MR. STANLEY
IS HERE WITH JUNE!

HE'S BROUGHT
JUNE BACK!

THANK GOODNESS!
THANK GOODNESS!

OH, DARLING, YOU'RE NOT
MAD AT HIM, ARE YOU?

NO, MOTHER.
DON'T GET HYSTERICAL.

WELL, IF IT HAD BEEN ANYBODY
BUT THAT AWFUL BOY--

ERNEST, THANK GOODNESS
YOU STOPPED IT.

- HOW EVER DID YOU DO IT?
- NEVER MIND THAT, DAISY.

TAKE JUNE UPSTAIRS. I HAVE
SOMETHING TO SAY TO HIM.

Mrs. Stanley:
WHAT ABOUT RICHARD? ANY NEWS?

IT'S ALRIGHT, DAISY--
ALL UNDER CONTROL.

JUST TAKE JUNE UPSTAIRS.

DON'T YOU THINK
WE'VE HAD ENOUGH
MELODRAMA?

I DON'T HAVE TO BE TAKEN,
I'LL GO. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS, JUNE.
- LOCK ME IN MY ROOM.

YOU'LL FEEL MUCH BETTER
AFTER YOU'VE HAD A HOT BATH.

HAVE YOU HAD
ANYTHING TO EAT?

I'M PLEASED
TO INFORM YOU, SIR,

THAT YOUR PLANS
FOR MY DAUGHTER

SEEM TO HAVE GONE
A TRIFLE AWRY.

SHE IS NOT--
NOR WILL SHE EVER BE--

MARRIED
TO THAT LABOR AGITATOR

THAT YOU SO KINDLY
PICKED OUT FOR HER.

AS FOR MY SON, HE HAS BEEN
APPREHENDED IN TOLEDO

AND WILL BE BROUGHT HOME
WITHIN THE HOUR.

NOT HAVING YOUR GIFT
FOR INVECTIVE, SIR,

I CANNOT TELL YOU
WHAT I THINK

OF YOUR OBNOXIOUS
INTERFERENCE IN MY AFFAIRS,

BUT I HAVE ARRANGED

THAT YOU WILL INTERFERE
NO LONGER.

MR. WHITESIDE, THESE GENTLEMEN
ARE DEPUTY SHERIFFS.

THEY HAVE A WARRANT BY WHICH
I WILL BE ENABLED

TO PUT YOU OUT OF THIS HOUSE,
AND I NEED HARDLY ADD

THAT IT'LL BE THE
GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

MR. WHITESIDE, I AM
GIVING YOU 15 MINUTES

IN WHICH TO PACK UP
AND GET OUT.

IF YOU HAVE NOT GONE
IN 15 MINUTES,

THESE GENTLEMEN WILL
FORCIBLY EJECT YOU.

THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.

WILL YOU WAIT
OUTSIDE, PLEASE?

15 MINUTES,
MR. WHITESIDE,

AND THAT MEANS BAG,
BAGGAGE, WHEELCHAIR,

PENGUINS,
AND OCTOPUS!

I AM NOW GOING UPSTAIRS
TO SMASH OUR RADIO

SO THAT NOT EVEN
ACCIDENTALLY

WILL I EVER HEAR
YOUR VOICE AGAIN!

SURE YOU DON'T WANT
MY AUTOGRAPH, OLD FELLOW?

15 MINUTES,
MR. WHITESIDE.

WELL, WHITESIDE,
I DIDN'T GET AN IDEA,

BUT THE FOOD
WAS WONDERFUL.

ANY NEWS
FROM THE FRONT?

YES. THE ENEMY
IS AT MY REAR AND NIBBLING.

WHERE DID YOU SAY
MAGGIE WAS--IN THERE?

IT'S NO USE, BANJO.
SHE'S TAKING THE 1:00 TRAIN
OUT.

NO KIDDING. YOU DIDN'T
TELL ME THAT.

YOU MEAN SHE'S QUIT YOU
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?

- SHE'S REALLY LEAVING?
- SHE IS.

THAT MEANS YOU ONLY GOT

TILL 1:00 TO DO SOMETHING.

NO, DEAR, I HAVE
15 MINUTES--14 MINUTES

IN WHICH TO PULL OUT OF MY HAT
THE MOST GIGANTIC RABBIT EVER.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
14 MINUTES?

IN EXACTLY 14 MINUTES,
BABY'S ROSY LITTLE BODY

IS BEING TOSSED INTO THE SNOW.
MY HOST HAS SWORN OUT A
WARRANT.

- I AM BEING KICKED OUT.
- WHAT?

I NEVER HEARD
OF SUCH A THING.

WHAT WOULD HE
DO SUCH A THING?

WELL, NEVER MIND.
THE POINT IS,

I'VE ONLY GOT 14 MINUTES
TO GET LORRAINE OUT OF HERE.

BANJO, DEAR, THE MASTER'S
GROWING A LITTLE DESPERATE.

SAY, IF I KNEW
WHERE SHE WAS,

I COULD GET A CAR
AND RUN HER OVER.

- IT WOULDN'T HURT HER MUCH.
- OH, BANJO, PLEASE.

GO AND TALK TO MAGGIE.

- I'VE GOT TO THINK.
- ALRIGHT.

PARDON ME, MISS.
IS THIS THE Y.M.C.A.?

[SOBBING]
OH, BANJO, YOU OLD DOLL!

OH, COME ON NOW,
I'VE HEARD THE WHOLE STORY.

- EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE
ALRIGHT.
- BANJO.

DON'T WORRY. YOUR UNCLE BANJO
WILL PULL A FEW STRINGS.

- THAT WASN'T A BAD PUN, WAS IT?
- NO.

YOU'RE GONA HEAR THAT
IN MY NEXT PICTURE.

[DOOR OPENS]

- IS THIS YOUR FATHER?
- NO, YOU IDIOT.

HELLO, MR. WHITESIDE. I DIDN'T
GET VERY FAR. ANY SUGGESTIONS?

I'M VERY SORRY, RICHARD--
VERY SORRY INDEED.

Whiteside: I WISH
I WERE IN A POSITION--

WELL, YOU'RE NOT
IN A POSITION.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
OFFICER.

HERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING
FOR YOUR TROUBLE.

THANK YOU, SIR.
GOOD DAY.

WILL YOU GO UPSTAIRS,
RICHARD?

10 MINUTES,
MR. WHITESIDE.

I'VE BROUGHT YOU SOME
ORANGE JUICE, MR. WHITESIDE.

- FEELING ANY BETTER?
- OH, SUPERB.

IS THERE ANY CYANIDE IN
THIS ORANGE JUICE, JOHN?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

OPEN THE DOOR, JOHN. IT'S
PROBABLY

SOME MUSTARD GAS
FROM AN OLD FRIEND.

YES, SIR.
SAY, THAT CRAZY FELLA

MADE A GREAT HIT
WITH SARAH.

HE WANTS TO GIVE HER
A SCREEN TEST.

GOOD MORNING, JOHN.
IS MR. WHITESIDE UP YET?

YES, MISS SHELDON.
RIGHT THERE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, DARLING.

I'VE COME TO HAVE CHRISTMAS
BREAKFAST WITH YOU, MAY I?

OF COURSE, MY SPRITE. JOHN, A
BREAKFAST TRAY FOR MISS
SHELDON.

- YES, SIR.
- MAKE IT ONE-MINUTE EGGS.

DARLING, I WAS SIMPLY
SWEPT OFF MY FEET

BY THE PLAY.
IT'S FANTASTICALLY GOOD.

SHERRY, IT'S
THE KIND OF PART

THAT COMES ALONG
ONCE IN 10 YEARS.

OH, I'M SO GRATEFUL
TO YOU, DARLING.

THANK YOU, DEAR.

WHAT TIME ARE YOU LEAVING--
YOU AND JEFFERSON?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S 4:00, I THINK.

YOU KNOW, SHERRY,
APART FROM EVERYTHING ELSE,

BERT IS REALLY
A VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN.

IT WILL MAKE IT
RATHER A PLEASURE

SQUARING ACCOUNTS WITH
LITTLE MISS VITRIOL.

IN FACT, EVERYTHING HAS
WORKED OUT BEAUTIFULLY.

SHERRY, LAMB,
I WANT TO GIVE YOU

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CHRISTMAS
PRESENT YOU'VE EVER HAD IN
LIFE.

NOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
ANYTHING.

I'M SO DELIRIOUSLY
HAPPY THAT--

[BANJO LAUGHING]

THAT SOUNDS LIKE BANJO.
IS HE HERE?

HE IS, MY DEAR.

JUST THE FAMILY CIRCLE
GATHERING FOR CHRISTMAS.

MY, HOW TIME FLIES
WHEN YOU'RE HAVING FUN.

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA--

WHAT, WHO,
AND ALL THAT SORT OF THING!

IF ISN'T LADY BOTTOMLY!

MY DEAR,
YOU LOOK RIPPING--

POSITIVELY RIPPING!

VERY FUNNY.
IT'S TOO BAD, BANJO,

THAT YOUR PICTURES AREN'T AS
FUNNY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE.

YOU'VE GOT ME THERE,
LORRAINE.

YOU STILL GOT ANTS
IN YOUR GLANCE.

HA HA HA!

ANYTHING IN THE WIND,
WHITESIDE?

NOT A GLIMMER.

WHAT TIME
DOES THE BOAT SAIL?

- 10 MINUTES.
- WHAT BOAT IS THIS?

THE GOOD SHIP
BEHIND THE EIGHTBALL.

[BANJO LAUGHING]

I HAVE EVERYTHING EXCEPT
THE NEW YEAR'S EVE BROADCAST.

ISN'T THERE
A SCHEDULE ON THAT?

I THINK IT'S ON THAT TABLE
THERE SOMEPLACE.

- THANK YOU.
- NEW YEAR'S EVE?

OH, BERT AND I WILL
HEAR IT FROM LAKE PLACID.

YOU'VE BEEN TO MY PLACE UP
THERE, HAVEN'T YOU, SHERRY?

LOVELY, ISN'T IT?
AWAY FROM EVERYTHING.

JUST SNOW
AND CLEAR, COLD NIGHTS.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

OH, THAT MUST BE BERT NOW.
I TOLD HIM TO MEET ME HERE.

YOU KNOW, I'M RATHER LOOKING
FORWARD TO LAKE PLACID.

BERT'S THE KIND OF MAN

WHO'LL DO ALL
WINTER SPORTS BEAUTIFULLY.

WILL HE HAVE TIME?

WITH ALL THE REWRITING
AND, UH...

FOR MR. WHITESIDE.

ALRIGHT, COME IN.
RIGHT IN HERE. CAREFUL NOW.

YEAH, THIS THING'S
VALUABLE.

THIS OLD DAME IS
2,000 YEARS OLD,

SHE'S IN BETTER
SHAPE THAN ME.

John: FOR YOU,
MR. WHITESIDE.

CAREFUL, NOW.

GREAT-AUNT MEHITABEL.

IF THERE WAS ONE THING
I NEEDED AT THIS MOMENT,

IT WAS
AN EGYPTIAN MUMMY.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM
THE KHEDIVE OF EGYPT."

WHAT DID YOU
SEND HIM--

GRANT'S TOMB?

5 MINUTES,
MR. WHITESIDE...

INCLUDING THAT!

WHO'S THAT MAN?

HE ANNOUNCES THE TIME
EVERY FEW MINUTES.

- I PAY HIM A SMALL SUM.
- WHAT ON EARTH FOR, SHERRY?

I LOST MY WATCH!

OH, UH, MR. WHITESIDE,
ARE YOU BUSY?

OH...

WELL, I'LL WAIT
IN THE LIBRARY.

EXCUSE ME. OH.

HA HA HA!

IS THAT THE PLUMBER
AGAIN, SHERRY?

[SOBBING]

OH, DEAR. I WONDER
WHERE BERT IS.

DARLING, YOU'RE NOT
VERY CHRISTMASSY.

YOU'RE USUALLY BUBBLING
OVER
ON CHRISTMAS MORNING.

WHO SENT YOU THIS,
SHERRY--

THE KHEDIVE OF EGYPT?

YOU KNOW, I THINK
IT'S RATHER BEAUTIFUL.

I MUST GO TO EGYPT
SOMETIME.

I REALLY MUST.
I KNOW I'D LOVE IT.

YOU KNOW, THE FIRST TIME
I WENT TO POMPEII,

I CRIED ALL NIGHT.

ALL THOSE PEOPLE...
ALL THOSE LIVES...

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

HERE WAS A WOMAN
LIKE MYSELF--

A WOMAN WHO'D ONCE
LIVED AND LOVED,

FULL OF THE SAME
PASSIONS, FEARS,

JEALOUSIES, HATES.

WHAT REMAINS OF IT NOW?

JUST THIS.

NOTHING MORE.

A SPAN
OF 4,000 YEARS--

A MERE ATOM IN
THE ETERNITY OF TIME--

AND HERE AM I,

ANOTHER WOMAN
LIVING OUT HER LIFE.

I WANT TO CRY.

OH, I MUSTN'T TALK
LIKE THIS TODAY.

IT'S CHRISTMAS.
IT'S CHRISTMAS!

LORRAINE, DEAR, HAVE YOU
EVER PLAYED SAINT JOAN?

WHY, NO, I HAVEN'T, SHERRY.
WHY DO YOU ASK THAT?

YOUR EXPRESSION
AS YOU STOOD THERE.

THERE WAS AN ABSOLUTE
HALO ABOUT YOU.

WHY, SHERRY,
HOW SWEET.

IT TRANSCENDED
ANY MORTAL EXPRESSION

I'VE EVER SEEN.
STEP INTO IT AGAIN, DEAR.

NOW, SHERRY,
YOU'RE JOSHING ME.

OH, I DON'T MAKE LIGHT OF THESE
THINGS. I WAS DEEPLY MOVED.

THERE WAS A STRANGE BEAUTY
ABOUT YOU, LORRAINE--

PURE DAVINCI.
PLEASE DO IT AGAIN, DEAR.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
EXACTLY WHAT I DID,

BUT I'LL--I'LL TRY.

OH, NO, SHERRY.
I FEEL TOO SILLY.

OH, NO, NO.
DEAR, IN THAT SINGLE INSTANCE,

YOU APPROACHED
THE EPITOME OF YOUR ART,

YOU SHOULD'NT
BE ASHAMED OF IT.

YOU ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED
FOR A CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

ALL THAT I WANT, LORRAINE,

IS THE MEMORY OF YOU
IN THAT MUMMY CASE.

WHY, SHERRY,
I'M ALL CHOKED UP.

DUST THOU ART,
AND DUST TO DUST--

BANJO!

EUREKA!

HA HA HA!
THERE'S SERVICE FOR YOU.

WILL SHE BE
ALRIGHT IN THERE?

SURE. SHE CAN
BREATHE EASY.

I'LL LET HER OUT AS SOON AS
WE GET ON THE PLANE. CUTE KID.

SAY, HOW DO WE GET THIS
OUT OF HERE?

ONE THING AT A TIME.
THAT'S THE NEXT STEP!

THINK FAST, MR. MOTO.
THINK FAST.

LOOK OUT. HERE.

THIS IS EVERYTHING.
I'M LEAVING 3 CARBONS.

CHRISTMAS CARD FROM
THE HEAD GUY OF EGYPT.

ANYTHING I CAN
DO FOR YOU HERE?

WHAT'S IN THIS BASKET?

NO, NOTHING AT ALL,
THANK YOU.

OH, ELEANOR ROOSEVELT--
DID YOU CALL HER IN ATLANTA?

YES, BUT SHE'D ALREADY
LEFT FOR WASHINGTON,

I LEFT A MESSAGE AT THE WHITE
HOUSE FOR HER TO CALL YOU.

DO YOU WANT THESE
LETTERS FILED?

- NO. THROW EVERYTHING.
- YOU WANT THIS PICTURE?

NO. OH, YES, WAIT.
I WANT THE PICTURE.

I'VE DONE EVERYTHING BUT
PUT YOUR BROADCAST IN ORDER.

- DO YOU WANT ME TO DO THAT?
- YES, DO THAT RIGHT AWAY.

- IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.
- I'LL SEE YOU BEFORE I GO.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I GOT IT! I KNEW I'D
SEEN THIS FACE BEFORE.

- NOW I KNOW HOW TO GET HER OUT.
- WHAT FACE? HOW?

THE TIME IS UP,
MR. WHITESIDE--15 MINUTES--

GLAD TO SEE YOU UP. IT'LL SAVE
ME HAVING YOU THROWN OUT.

JUST ONE SLIGHT
FAVOR BEFORE YOU LEAVE.

I'D LIKE YOU TO SUMMON THOSE
OFFICERS, ASK THEM TO HELP

TO THE AIRPORT
WITH THIS MUMMY CASE.

WOULD YOU BE GOOD ENOUGH
TO DO THAT, MR. STANLEY?

- I'LL DO NOTHING OF THE KIND.
- OH, I THINK YOU WILL.

OR SHALL I INFORM
MY RADIO AUDIENCE

ON MY NEXT BROADCAST
OF YOUR LITTLE SECRET:

THAT YOUR SISTER
HARRIET STANLEY

IS NONE OTHER THAN THE
FAMOUS HARRIET SEDLEY,

WHO MURDERED HER MOTHER
AND FATHER WITH AN AXE

25 YEARS AGO IN
GLOUCESTER,
MASSACHUSETTS?

OH, COME, MR. STANLEY,
IT'S A VERY SMALL FAVOR,

OR WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE
THE GOOD FOLK OF MESALIA

REPEATING AT YOUR
VERY DOORSTEP

THAT ONCE-POPULAR
LITTLE JINGLE--

"HARRIET SEDLEY
TOOK AN AXE

"AND GAVE HER MOTHER
40 WHACKS,

"AND WHEN THE JOB
WAS NICELY DONE,

SHE GAVE
HER FATHER 41."

HA HA! OH, NO, NO,
MR. STANLEY.

I, TOO, AM
GIVING UP SOMETHING.

IT WOULD MAKE
A WHALE OF A BROADCAST.

MR. WHITESIDE,
YOU ARE A DEVIL.

I OFTEN THINK SO MYSELF,
OLD FELLOW.

SHE GAVE HER MOTHER
40 WHACKS.

HOW THE DODGERS
COULD HAVE USED HER.

COME RIGHT IN, OFFICERS.
MR. STANLEY WOULD LIKE YOU

TO HELP THIS GENTLEMAN TO THE
AIRPORT WITH THIS MUMMY CASE.

HE'S SENDING IT TO A FRIEND
IN NOVA SCOTIA.

- Banjo: COLLECT!
- Whiteside: RIGHT, MR.
STANLEY?

YES. YES!

THANK YOU,
GENTLEMEN,

AND HANDLE THAT
VERY CAREFULLY, PLEASE.

BANJO, MY LAD,
YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

- I MAY WRITE A BOOK ABOUT YOU.
- DON'T BOTHER. I CAN'T READ.

GOOD-BYE, MAGGIE.
LOVE CONQUERS ALL.

HERE'S A CHRISTMAS
PRESENT FOR YOU.

TAKE IT EASY. DON'T DROP
THAT CASE, BOYS.

IT CONTAINS
A JEWEL...

SLIGHTLY TARNISHED.
HA HA!

WHITESIDE, I'LL LOAD IT UP
WITH SMOKED SALMON

AND SHIP IT
BACK TO YOU. HA HA!

♪ DID YOU EVER HAVE THE
FEELING
THAT YOU WANTED TO GO ♪

♪ STILL HAVE THE FEELING
THAT YOU WANTED TO STAY? ♪

♪ YOU KNEW IT WAS RIGHT,
WASN'T WRONG... ♪

SHERRY, SHERRY,
WAS THAT--

IT WAS INDEED.

THE FIELD IS CLEAR,
AND YOU HAVE MY BLESSING.

OH, YOU OLD
REPROBATE.

JUST SEND ME
A NECKTIE SOMETIME.

MY HAT AND COAT, PLEASE.
I'M LEAVING FOR NEW YORK.

- WELL, WHAT--
- DON'T ARGUE, RAT GIRL.

- DO AS YOU ARE TOLD.
- YES, MR. WHITESIDE.

Whiteside:
SARAH! JOHN!

MAGGIE. MAGGIE,
I WANT TO APOLOGIZE.

OH, DON'T GIVE IT
A THOUGHT, BERT.

THERE'S BEEN A SLIGHT
CHANGE IN PLANS.

LA SHELDON HAS DEPARTED
FOR PARTS UNKNOWN,

AND I'M GOING TO SEE THAT SHERRY
GIVES YOUR PLAY TO CORNELL.

MAGGIE!

HOW WOULD YOU TWO LIKE TO COME
TO NEW YORK AND WORK FOR ME?

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

[BOTH]
WE'D LOVE IT.

AH, THANK YOU, MAGGIE,
MY DARLING.

MR. WHITESIDE, MY
COOK AND MY BUTLER--

THEY'VE BEEN WITH ME
FOR 10 YEARS!

I'M COMMUTING
THEIR SENTENCE.

IF YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND EVER
COME TO NEW YORK,

YOU CAN COME TO MY PLACE FOR
DINNER... IF I'M NOT IN TOWN.

OH, MR. WHITESIDE,
ARE YOU VERY BUSY?

OH, YES, DOCTOR,
VERY BUSY,

IF YOU EVER COME TO NEW YORK,
TRY AND FIND ME.

GOODBYE, MY LAMB.
I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

- SHERRY, YOU'RE WONDERFUL.
- NONSENSE. GOODBYE, JEFFERSON.

YOU'LL NEVER KNOW
THE TROUBLE YOU'VE CAUSED.

Bert: GOODBYE,
MR. WHITESIDE.

GOODBYE, MR. STANLEY.

I'D LIKE TO HEAR THAT YOUR
DAUGHTER MARRIED HER YOUNG MAN

AND YOUR SON HAD BEEN
PERMITTED
TO FOLLOW HIS OWN BENT...

OR ELSE.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT
THE PENGUINS,

THE OCTOPUS,
THE BABY SEAL,

AND THE REST
OF THE MENAGERIE?

THEY'RE ALL YOURS,
MR. STANLEY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
EVERYBODY!

All: MERRY CHRISTMAS,
MR. WHITESIDE.

WHAT IS ALL THIS?
WHERE'S HE GOING?

- I DIDN'T KNOW HE COULD
WALK.
- IT'S ALRIGHT.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO.

MRS. ROOSEVELT?!

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT?

OH, JUST A MOMENT
PLEASE!

MR. WHITESIDE!

OH, MRS. ROOSEVELT,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW

MY HUSBAND DIDN'T VOTE
FOR YOUR HUSBAND

BUT I DID.

OH, YOU'RE WELCOME,
I'M SURE,

AND I'D LOVE TO VOTE
FOR YOUR HUSBAND AGAIN SOMETIME.

OH. HA HA!
MRS. ROOSEVELT.

[AIRPLANE APPROACHING]

OH, MR. WHITESIDE!

MRS. ROOSEVELT'S
ON THE PHONE.

WHAT--ELEANOR?

OW!

Whiteside: I'VE DONE IT
AGAIN! OH, MY LEG!

SHERRY!

BERT! JOHN!
SHERRY'S FALLEN!

WHAT IS IT, MAGGIE?
SOMETHING'S HAPPENED?

PERHAPS HE FELL AGAIN.

OH...

OH, I'M HURT!
I'LL HAVE A--

MISS PREEN.
MISS PREEN!

I WANT MISS PREEN!
HELP ME UP.

OH! OH, MY!
MAGGIE! OH!

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
HAS SOMETHING HAPPENED?

IS ANYTHING WRONG
DOWN HERE?

Whiteside: MISS PREEN!
I WANT MISS PREEN BACK!

MR. STANLEY, I AM SUING YOU
FOR $350,000!

OH, WHERE'S
THE DOCTOR?

[PENGUINS SQUAWKING]

OH, DOCTOR,
I'VE GOT A PAIN.

OH, THIS IS AWFUL.

OH!

[WHITESIDE SHOUTING
AND GROANING]

[MRS. STANLEY GASPING]

Eleanor Roosevelt: HELLO?
HELLO, HELLO! OH, DEAR.

SOMETHING MUST HAVE
HAPPENED TO SHERRY.

OPERATOR.
OPERATOR!