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OH, TO THINK! TO THINK THAT THIS GREAT MAN

IS COMING TO OUR HOUSE FOR DINNER!

ERNEST, ERNEST, AREN'T YOU THRILLED?

DEPENDS. WHAT'RE WE HAVING FOR DINNER?

ERNEST!

IF HE'S GONNA SHAVE AT OUR HOUSE,

HE'S NOT GONNA USE MY RAZOR. HUSH, ERNEST.

SOMEBODY WILL HEAR YOU.

HELLO, LONI.

MR. WHITESIDE'S BEARD

IS WHAT MAKES HIM SO DISTINGUISHED.

IT IS, HUH?

YOU JUST HIDE MY RAZOR FOR 3 DAYS.

MAYBE I'LL LOOK DISTINGUISHED ENOUGH TO GET $1,500 A LECTURE.

HAVEN'T YOU A BIT OF CULTURE IN YOU?

HAVEN'T YOU ANY RESPECT FOR THIS--

THIS FIRST MAN OF AMERICAN LETTERS?

HE MAY BE THE FIRST MAN OF AMERICAN LETTERS,

BUT DON'T FORGET-- I RATE PRETTY HIGH IN BALL BEARINGS.

AT LEAST I'M IN A DEFENSE INDUSTRY. OH, ERNEST.

I'M SO EXCITED!

[TRAIN BELL RINGING]

I SIMPLY WILL NOT SIT DOWN AT DINNER

WITH MIDWESTERN BARBARIANS.

I THINK TOO HIGHLY OF MY DIGESTIVE SYSTEM.

HARRY CLARK IS ONE OF YOUR OLDEST FRIENDS.

MY STOMACH IS AN OLDER ONE.

AND MRS. STANLEY IS PRESIDENT OF THE WOMEN'S CLUB.

I WOULDN'T CARE IF SHE WAS THE WHOLE CABINET.

AND IT'S IMPORTANT TO HARRY'S FUTURE LECTURE BOOKINGS.

YOU CAN'T LET HIM DOWN.

ERNEST, THERE HE IS! THERE HE IS!

THAT'S PROBABLY MRS. STANLEY.

OHH!

I WON'T BUDGE.

COME ON, BABYKINS.

HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS PICTURE,

DOESN'T HE? OH!

YOU KNOW, SHERRY,

YOU HAVE ONE GREAT ADVANTAGE

OVER EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD.

YOU'VE NEVER HAD TO MEET SHERIDAN WHITESIDE.

OH, MR. WHITESIDE! PLEASE! PLEASE!

MAY I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

STAND BACK, PLEASE.

DON'T COME TOO CLOSE.

I HAVE SEVERAL CONTAGIOUS DISEASES.

MAGGIE, MY DEAR,

WOULD YOU RUN INTERFERENCE FOR ME?

Maggie: WOULD YOU PLEASE STEP BACK?

MR. WHITESIDE IS IN A GREAT RUSH.

OH, DEAR MR. WHITESIDE.

I'M MRS. ERNEST STANLEY, AND THIS IS MR. STANLEY.

YOU ARE COMING TO DINNER, AREN'T YOU?

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

MRS. STANLEY, MR. WHITESIDE IS HAVING HIS LITTLE JOKE.

HE'D BE DELIGHTED TO COME TO DINNER.

OH, HOW NICE OF YOU!

I'M MISS CUTLER, MR. WHITESIDE'S SECRETARY.

OH, AND YOU WILL COME, TOO, OF COURSE.

OH, MR. WHITESIDE, IT IS SIMPLY WONDERFUL!

DID YOU HAVE A PLEASANT TRIP?

CHARMING.

I KILLED A WOMAN IN THE NEXT COMPARTMENT.

SHE ASKED ME TO LUNCH.

OH! HA HA HA!

HAVE YOU LADIES SEEN MR. WHITESIDE?

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

OH, THANKS A LOT.

BE SURE THAT GOES TO THE MANSION HOUSE. YES, SIR.

I'M SORRY I'M LATE, MR. WHITESIDE.

I'M JEFFERSON OF THE MESALIA JOURNAL.

MIND IF I ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS?

MIND IF I ASK YOU ONE?

OF COURSE NOT.

HAVE YOU GOT A DOLLAR?

WHY, SURE.

THANK YOU.

HOPE IT'S NOT COUNTERFEIT.

THANK YOU, SIR.

DRIVE ON!

WELL, HERE WE ARE.

OF COURSE, MESALIA ISN'T A BIG TOWN, MR. WHITESIDE,

BUT IT'S SIMPLY FILLED WITH CULTURE.

THE NIGHT YOU LECTURE, EVERYONE STAYS HOME,

EXCEPT IF ERROL FLYNN IS PLAYING, OF COURSE.

MESALIA HAS MANY POINTS OF INTEREST.

THERE'S THE CRYSTAL CAVE.

THAT'S JUST A SHORT DRIVE FROM HERE.

AND THE PETRIFIED ANIMALS.

ARE THEY COMING TO DINNER, TOO?

HA HA HA!

OH!

AH! AH! AH!

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

OH! OH, MAGGIE! MAGGIE!

OH! OH! OH, MAGGIE!

GET ME OUT OF HERE! OH! OH!

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

OKAY. OKAY.

HEY, SHERIDAN WHITESIDE FELL ON HIS--

PRATT, GIVE ME 500 WORDS ON THAT.

YES, MISS BARRYMORE. I'LL SEE THAT HE GETS YOUR MESSAGE.

BUT IT IS HOPED THAT MR. WHITESIDE

WILL BE ABLE TO RESUME HIS BROADCASTS

ON CHRISTMAS EVE. NOW A WORD TO THOSE WHO HAVE ATHLETE'S FOOT.

I THINK THE DOCTOR SAID IN ABOUT A WEEK.

YES. HE'S STILL CONFINED TO HIS ROOM.

PACKAGE FOR MR. WHITESIDE.

TELEGRAMS FOR SHERIDAN WHITESIDE.

FLOWERS FOR MR. WHITESIDE.

WHEELCHAIR FOR MR. WHITESIDE.

"THE IDOL OF THE AIRWAYS RESTS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

"AT THE HOME OF SURPRISED MR. AND MRS. STANLEY

"OF MESALIA, OHIO.

POSSIBILITY--CHRISTMAS MAY BE POSTPONED THIS YEAR."

OH!

OH, HOW IS HE?

IS HE COMING OUT?

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

I'LL GO, MOTHER. OH, ALRIGHT, RICHARD.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? WHAT IS IT, JOHN?

THEY WANT PILLOWS. THEY WANT PILLOWS.

ANYTHING I CAN DO, MISS PREEN? NO, THANK YOU.

Whiteside: TAKE YOUR FISHHOOKS OFF ME!

OH!

2 MORE PACKAGES AND MORE TELEGRAMS.

DAD'S GOING CRAZY UPSTAIRS WITH THAT BELL RINGING ALL THE TIME.

WILL YOU ANSWER IT, DARLING? WHAT DID YOU SAY, RICHARD?

ONE'S FROM SAN FRANCISCO,

AND ONE'S FROM NEW YORK.

THERE WAS SOMETHING FROM ALASKA THIS MORNING.

A BABY SEAL, I THINK.

OH, REALLY?

Miss Preen: I'LL GET THEM RIGHT AWAY.

HE WANTS THE METROPOLITAN CLUB CIGARETTES.

M-M-METROPOLITAN CLUB?

THEY HAVE THEM AT KITCHENER'S. I'LL GET SOME.

HERE YOU ARE. HERE ARE THE PILLOWS. THANK YOU.

TELL ME, ARE THEY BRINGING HIM OUT SOON?

WE'RE GETTING HIM OUTTA BED. HE OUGHT TO BE OUT SOON.

OH, I'M SO GLAD.

Whiteside: DOESN'T THAT BIRDBRAIN OF YOURS

EVER FUNCTION?!

HE MUST BE VERY HAPPY.

2:00? YES. I'M SURE HE COULD TALK THEN. ALRIGHT.

MOTHER, WHO DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT WAS?

WINSTON CHURCHILL FROM LONDON!

WINSTON CHURCHILL ON OUR TELEPHONE!

I'LL BE UPSTAIRS IF YOU WANT ME, MOTHER.

WHAT? OH, YES.

TELL YOUR FATHER TO COME DOWN. MR. WHITESIDE'S COMING OUT.

YES, YOU'LL CALL ME?

OF COURSE, DARLING.

MR. WHITESIDE IS COMING OUT!

DAISY, I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER.

ERNEST, HE'S COMING OUT ANY MINUTE,

AND WINSTON CHURCHILL WAS ON THE TELEPHONE.

WE'RE IN ALL THE NATIONAL NEWSMAGAZINES. LOOK.

"THE IDOL OF THE AIRWAYS RESTS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

"IN THE HOME OF MR. AND MRS. STANLEY IN MESALIA OHIO.

POSSIBILITY-- CHRISTMAS MAY BE POSTPONED THIS YEAR."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I'M SURE IT'S A GREAT HONOR,

BUT I DON'T LIKE THIS KINDA PUBLICITY.

IT'S A LITTLE UPSETTING. PHONES RINGING ALL THE TIME,

BELLS RINGING, MESSENGER BOYS RUNNING IN AND OUT.

Whiteside: TRAPPED LIKE A RAT IN THIS CHEESEBOX!

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

HAVE THE CIGARETTES COME YET?

THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY. MY SON WENT FOR THEM.

DO YOU MIND IF I MOVE THIS CHAIR?

YOU MEAN HE'S COMING OUT NOW?

HE IS INDEED.

OH! JUNE! JUNE! MR. WHITESIDE'S COMING OUT!

SARAH! SARAH! BRING ME A GLASS OF THE COW'S-FOOT JELLY

I MADE FOR MR. WHITESIDE.

I'M EXCITED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

OH, ME, TOO!

OH, THANK YOU, SARAH. THANK YOU.

GOOD MORNING, DR. BRADLEY.

GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING.

WELL, HERE WE ARE, MERRY AND BRIGHT.

BRING IN OUR LITTLE PATIENT, MISS PREEN.

GOOD MORNING, MR. WHITESIDE.

I'M MRS. ERNEST STANLEY. REMEMBER?

AND THIS IS MY HUSBAND. HOW DO YOU DO? I HOPE YOU'RE BETTER.

THANK YOU. I AM SUING YOU FOR $150,000.

HOW'S THAT? WHAT?

I SAID THAT I AM SUING YOU FOR $150,000.

YOU MEAN BECAUSE YOU FELL ON OUR STEPS, MR. WHITESIDE?

THOMAS E. DEWEY WILL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU IN COURT.

WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE LIKE THE KISS OF DEATH?

OH, MY COW'S-FOOT JELLY!

MADE FROM YOUR OWN FOOT, I HAVE NO DOUBT.

THERE ARE A FEW SMALL MATTERS TO TAKE UP WITH YOU.

SINCE THIS CORNER DRUGGIST AT MY ELBOW TELLS ME THAT I SHALL BE

CONFINED TO THIS MOLDY MORTUARY

FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER 10 DAYS--

DUE ENTIRELY TO YOUR STUPIDITY AND NEGLIGENCE--

I SHALL HAVE TO CARRY ON MY ACTIVITIES AS BEST I CAN.

I SHALL REQUIRE EXCLUSIVE USE OF THIS ROOM,

AS WELL AS THAT DRAFTY SEWER WHICH YOU CALL THE LIBRARY.

I WANT NOBODY TO COME IN WHILE I'M HERE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SIR?

WE'VE TO GO UP THOSE STAIRS TO GET TO OUR ROOMS.

ISN'T THERE A BACK ENTRANCE?

WHY, YES. WELL, THEN USE THAT.

I SHALL ALSO REQUIRE A ROOM FOR MY SECRETARY-- MISS CUTLER.

THERE'LL BE A MANY INCOMING AND OUTGOING CALLS,

SO PLEASE DO NOT USE THE TELEPHONE.

I SLEEP UNTIL NOON AND MUST HAVE QUIET

THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE UNTIL THAT HOUR.

THERE'LL BE 5 FOR LUNCH TODAY. WHERE'S THE COOK?

MR. WHITESIDE, IF I MAY INTERRUPT-- YOU MAY NOT, SIR.

WILL YOU TAKE YOUR CLAMMY HAND OFF MY CHAIR?

YOU HAVE THE TOUCH OF A LOVE-STARVED COBRA.

AND NOW WILL YOU ALL LEAVE QUIETLY.

MUST I ASK MISS CUTLER TO PASS AMONG YOU WITH A BASEBALL BAT?

LOOK HERE, MR. WHITESIDE-- THERE IS NOTHING TO DISCUSS, SIR.

CONSIDERING THE DAMAGE THAT I'VE SUFFERED AT YOUR HANDS,

I'M ASKING VERY LITTLE. GOOD DAY.

I'LL CALL YOU FROM THE OFFICE LATER, DAISY.

NOT ON THIS PHONE, PLEASE.

HERE IS THE MENU FOR LUNCH.

BUT I--I'VE ORDERED LUNCH.

IT'LL BE SENT UP TO YOU.

I'M USING THE DINING ROOM FOR MY GUESTS.

WHERE ARE THOSE CIGARETTES?

WHY, MY--MY SON WENT TO GET THEM.

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE-- HERE, SARAH. THE MENU FOR LUNCH.

I'LL HAVE MINE ON A TRAY UPSTAIRS.

YES, MA'AM.

YOUNG LADY, I CANNOT STAND INDECISION.

WILL YOU EITHER GO UP THOSE STAIRS OR COME DOWN THEM?

[WHISPERS] No, darling.

OH, GOOD MORNING. I'M SORRY I'M SO LATE.

I HAD TO GO TO 3 DIFFERENT STORES.

HOW DID YOU TRAVEL, BY OXCART?

RICHARD.

IS THERE ANYONE IN THE WORLD WHO SUFFERS AS I DO

FROM THE GROSS INADEQUACIES OF THE HUMAN RACE?

WHERE YOU GOING? KEEP THOSE CANAL BOATS AWAY FROM ME.

GO IN AND READ THE LIFE OF FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE

AND LEARN HOW UNFITTED YOU ARE FOR YOUR CHOSEN PROFESSION.

WELL, I THINK I CAN SAFELY LEAVE YOU

IN MISS CUTLER'S CAPABLE HANDS.

SHALL I LOOK IN AGAIN THIS AFTERNOON?

IF YOU DO, I SHALL SPIT RIGHT IN YOUR EYE.

HA HA HA!

WHAT A SENSE OF HUMOR YOU WRITERS HAVE.

OH, BY THE WAY, IT'S REALLY NOT WORTH MENTIONING,

BUT I'VE BEEN DOING A LITTLE WRITING MYSELF

ABOUT MY MEDICAL EXPERIENCES.

AM I TO BE SPARED NOTHING?

WOULD IT BE TOO MUCH TO ASK YOU

TO GLANCE OVER IT WHILE YOU'RE HERE?

TRAPPED.

WHY, UH...

WELL, I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE A COPY OF IT WITH ME.

40 YEARS AN OHIO DOCTOR:

THE STORY OF A HUMBLE PRACTITIONER

I SHALL DROP EVERYTHING. I'M MUCH OBLIGED.

I HOPE YOU LIKE IT. WELL, I'LL SEE YOU ON THE MORROW.

UH, KEEP THAT HIP QUIET

AND, UH, DON'T FORGET THOSE LITTLE PILLS.

MAGGIE, WILL YOU TAKE 40 YEARS AN OHIO BUTCHER

OR WHATEVER IT'S CALLED?

I MUST SAY, SHERRY, YOU HAVE CERTAINLY BEHAVED

WITH YOUR ACCUSTOMED GRACE AND CHARM.

I'M IN NO MOOD TO DISCUSS MY BEHAVIOR, GOOD OR BAD.

I DIDN'T WISH TO CROSS THIS CHEERLESS THRESHOLD.

I WAS HOUNDED AND BADGERED INTO IT.

NOW I FIND MYSELF, AFTER 2 WEEKS OF RACKING PAIN,

ACCUSED OF BEHAVING WITHOUT CHARM.

WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME DO, KISS THEM?

VERY WELL, SHERRY.

AFTER 10 YEARS, I SHOULD KNOW BETTER

THAN TO TRY AND IMPROVE YOUR MANNERS.

WHEN I FINALLY LEAVE THIS JOB,

I MAY WRITE A BOOK ABOUT IT.

THROUGH THE YEARS WITH PRINCE CHARMING.

LISTEN, REPULSIVE, IF WE MAY DISMISS THE SUBJECT OF MY CHARM,

FOR WHICH, INCIDENTALLY, I RECEIVE $1,500 PER APPEARANCE,

POSSIBLY WE CAN GET TO WORK.

OH, NO, WE CAN'T.

MY NAME IS HARRIET STANLEY.

I KNOW YOU ARE SHERIDAN WHITESIDE.

I SAW THIS HOLLY FRAMED GREEN AGAINST THE PINE TREES.

I REMEMBERED WHAT YOU'D WRITTEN ABOUT TESS

AND JUDE THE OBSCURE.

IT WAS THE NICEST PRESENT I COULD BRING YOU.

AND WHAT, MAY I ASK, WAS THAT?

THAT WAS MR. STANLEY'S SISTER HARRIET.

I'VE TALKED TO HER A FEW TIMES. SHE'S QUITE STRANGE.

STRANGE? SHE'S RIGHT OUT OF

THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES

YOU KNOW, I'VE SEEN THAT FACE BEFORE SOMEWHERE.

NONSENSE, SHERRY. YOU COULDN'T HAVE.

OH, WELL, LET'S GET TO WORK.

HERE. PRESS THIS IN THE DOCTOR'S BOOK.

DID YOU PUT THROUGH THAT CALL TO MRS. ROOSEVELT?

YES. I CALLED HER IN PORTLAND.

SHE'D ALREADY LEFT FOR SAN DIEGO.

WELL, TRY HER TOMORROW IN PHOENIX. NOW, LET ME SEE.

SEND A WIRE TO THE EDITOR OF THE ATLANTIC MONTHLY.

"DO NOT WORRY, STINKY. COPY WILL ARRIVE ON TIME. WHITESIDE."

AH! SEND A CABLE TO THE DUCHESS OF WINDSOR.

"DEAR WALLY, CAN YOU AND DAVID MEET ME, "MIAMI, FEBRUARY 20?

DINNER 8:30. WHITESIDE."

I SEE NO REASON WHY I SHOULD ENDORSE SNUG-FIT BRASSIERES.

WHAT DATE'S THIS? DECEMBER 10.

SEND A WIRE TO AMERICAN BROADCASTING.

"YOU CAN SCHEDULE MY CHRISTMAS EVE BROADCAST

"FROM YOUR NEW YORK STUDIO, AS I SHALL RETURN EAST

"INSTEAD OF PROCEEDING TO HOLLYWOOD. STOP.

"FOR NEW YEAR'S EVE BROADCAST, WILL HAVE AS MY GUESTS

"JASCHA HEIFETZ, HELEN HAYES,

"SCHIAPARELLI, THE LUNTS,

DR. ALEXIS KALELL,

"WITH HAILE SELASSIE ON SHORTWAVE

FROM ADDIS ABABA. WHITESIDE."

WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW, MISS STOMACH-PUMP?

IT'S YOUR PILLS. ONE EVERY 45 MINUTES.

THERMOMETER PUSS.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

IF THAT'S FOR MRS. STANLEY,

TELL THEM SHE'S TOO DRUNK TO TALK.

HELLO. YES?

WHAT? PALM BEACH?

OH, JUST A MOMENT.

IT'S THAT DEAR FRIEND OF YOURS, MISS LORRAINE SHELDON.

OH! GIVE IT TO ME!

HELLO!

IS THIS MY BLOSSOM GIRL?

SHERRY, YOU POOR, SWEET DARLING.

ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE

SINCE THIS AWFUL THING HAPPENED, YOU POOR LAMB.

OUCH, YOU FOOL! SORRY, MADAM.

NO, NO, NO. THAT WAS COSETTE.

DARLING, HOW YOU MUST HAVE SUFFERED.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

ME? OH, I'M WRETCHED.

I CAN'T FIND A PLAY, SHERRY DEAR.

I JUST DON'T THINK I'LL EVER ACT AGAIN.

TELL ME, BLOSSOM. WHAT MADE YOU

TAKE YOUR WHITE BODY TO PALM BEACH?

WHO'S HOLDING YOU CAPTIVE?

OH, LORD BOTTOMLY'S IN FROM LONDON. SOME MISSION OR OTHER.

NOW, LOOK, DARLING, TAKE CARE OF THAT SWEET LITTLE HIP, WILL YOU?

AND HERE'S A BIG KISS FROM YOUR BLOSSOM GIRL.

OUCH! SORRY, MADAM.

GOODBYE, DARLING.

GOODBYE, MY LOTUS BLOSSOM.

MY LOTUS BLOSSOM.

LITTLE MISS STINKWEED.

PURE JEALOUSLY IF I EVER SAW IT.

GIVE ME THOSE WIRES.

LORRAINE SHELDON, LORD BOTTOMLY, MY AUNT FANNY.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

IF THESE PEOPLE INTEND TO HAVE THEIR FRIENDS USING

THE FRONT DOOR-- YOU EXPECT THEM TO USE A ROPE LADDER?

I'LL NOT HAVE A LOT OF ITINERANT FIREMEN

RUSHING IN AND OUT OF THIS HOUSE.

GOOD MORNING, MR. JEFFERSON. MORNING, JOHN. MR. WHITESIDE IN?

YES, SIR. THERE'S NOBODY HOME!

THE STANLEYS HAVE BEEN ARRESTED FOR PEDDLING DOPE! GO AWAY!

GOOD MORNING. I'M JEFFERSON OF THE MESALIA JOURNAL.

REMEMBER? MET YOU AT THE STATION.

OH, GET RID OF HIM, MAGGIE.

I'M SORRY. MR. WHITESIDE IS SEEING NO ONE TODAY.

REALLY? SO WILL YOU PLEASE EXCUSE US?

MR. WHITESIDE SEEMS TO BE SITTING UP AND TAKING NOTICE.

I'M AFRAID HE'S NOT TAKING NOTICE OF THE MESALIA JOURNAL.

IF I'M GONNA BE INSULTED, I'D LIKE IT TO BE BY MR. WHITESIDE.

I NEVER DID LIKE CARBON COPIES.

OH! TOUCHE IF I EVER HEARD ONE,

AND IN MESALIA, TOO, MAGGIE DEAR. WILL YOU PLEASE LEAVE?

HOW ABOUT AN INTERVIEW? I NEVER GIVE THEM. GO AWAY.

MR. WHITESIDE, IF I DON'T GET THIS INTERVIEW, I LOSE MY JOB.

THAT'LL BE QUITE ALRIGHT WITH ME.

YOU DON'T MEAN THAT, MR. WHITESIDE.

YOU USED TO BE A NEWSPAPERMAN YOURSELF.

YOU KNOW WHAT EDITORS ARE LIKE.

MINE'S THE TOUGHEST ONE THAT EVER LIVED.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE HIM, GET OFF THE PAPER.

I THINK IT'S A GOOD PAPER.

WILLIAM ALLEN WHITE COULD'VE GOT OUTTA EMPORIA, BUT HE DIDN'T.

YOU HAVE THE EFFRONTERY IN MY PRESENCE

TO COMPARE YOURSELF WITH WILLIAM ALLEN WHITE?

ONLY IN THE SENSE THAT WHITE STAYED IN EMPORIA,

I'D LIKE TO STAY HERE AND SAY WHAT I WANNA.

SUCH AS WHAT? I CAN'T PUT IT INTO WORDS, MR. WHITESIDE.

IT'D SOUND LIKE AN AWFUL LOT OF HOOEY.

BUT THE JOURNAL WAS MY FATHER'S PAPER.

IT'S KINDA SENTIMENTAL POINT WITH ME, THE PAPER.

I'D LIKE TO CARRY ON WHERE HE LEFT OFF.

AH. SO YOU OWN THIS PAPER? THAT'S RIGHT.

THIS TERRIFYING EDITOR, THIS DREAD JOURNALISTIC ARMAGEDDON,

IS YOU YOURSELF.

IN A WORD, YES.

I SEE.

SHERRY, THE NEXT TIME YOU DO NOT WANT TO SEE ANYBODY,

JUST LET ME KNOW, AND I'LL USHER THEM RIGHT IN.

YOUNG MAN, COME OVER HERE.

I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE WRITTEN THAT GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL.

NO. I'VE WRITTEN THAT GREAT AMERICAN PLAY.

WELL, I DON'T WANT TO READ IT.

AH! DO THESE OLD EYES OF MINE

SEE A BOX OF GOODIES OVER THERE?

HAND THEM TO ME, WILL YOU?

THE TROUBLE IS, MR. WHITESIDE, THAT YOUR BEING IN THIS TOWN

COMES UNDER THE HEADING OF "NEWS,"

SO I GOTTA GET A STORY.

AH! PECAN BUTTERNUT FUDGE!

OH, MY! YOU MUSTN'T EAT CANDY, MR. WHITESIDE.

IT'S VERY BAD FOR YOU.

MY GREAT-AUNT JENNIFER ATE A WHOLE BOX OF CANDY

EVERY DAY OF HER LIFE.

SHE LIVED TO BE 102, AND WHEN SHE'D BEEN DEAD 3 DAYS,

SHE LOOKED BETTER THAN YOU DO NOW.

NOW THAT YOU'VE WON ME WITH YOUR PRETTY WAYS--

HAVE A PIECE OF CANDY? THANKS.

I'LL GRANT YOU A ONE-MINUTE INTERVIEW.

WHAT DO YOU WANNA KNOW?

HOW DO YOU THINK THE OHIO WOMEN STACK UP AGAINST--

I'VE NEVER GONE IN FOR STACKING UP WOMEN, SO I REALLY CAN'T SAY.

WHAT'S YOUR TAKE ON MESALIA? HOW LONG YOU GONNA BE HERE?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING? OH, VERY WELL.

A--MESALIA IS A TOWN OF IRRESISTIBLE CHARM.

B--I CANNOT WAIT TO GET OUTTA IT.

C--I'M GOING FROM HERE TO CROPFIELD

FOR MY VISIT TO THE CROPFIELD HOME FOR PAROLED CONVICTS,

FOR WHICH I HAVE RAISED OVER HALF A MILLION DOLLARS.

FILCHED FROM THE POCKETS OF AN ALL TOO GULLIBLE

AND LONG-SUFFERING PUBLIC.

WILL YOU SIGN HERE?

THIS AGING DEBUTANTE, MR. JEFFERSON,

I RETAIN IN MY EMPLOY ONLY BECAUSE SHE IS THE SOLE SUPPORT

OF HER TWO-HEADED BROTHER.

THANK YOU.

DO YOU PLAY GIN RUMMY? I SURE DO.

FINE! HOW MUCH CAN YOU AFFORD TO LOSE? I GENERALLY WIN.

WE WON'T DISCUSS THAT. COME BACK AT 8:30.

WE'LL PLAY 3-HANDED WITH ELSIE DINSMORE.

BY THE WAY, YOU OWE ME $1.00. WHAT'S THAT? WHAT FOR?

AT THE STATION. THE DOLLAR YOU BORROWED.

YOU PAY A HEALTHIER INCOME TAX THAN I DO. GIVE.

MAGGIE, MAKE OUT A CHECK FOR THIS MISERABLE MONEY-CHANGER.

MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO BERTRAM H.

[SIREN]

AH! THAT MUST BE MY LUNCHEON GUESTS. I BEG YOUR PARDON?

A FEW MURDERERS FROM THE CROPFIELD HOME

AT THE STATE PENITENTIARY.

YOU SEE, MR. JEFFERSON, THE FACT THAT MR. WHITESIDE HAPPENS

TO BE THE NATION'S FOREMOST AUTHORITY

ON MURDERS AND MURDER TRIALS

FORMS A BOND BETWEEN THEM.

BY THE WAY, JEFFERSON, HOW ABOUT STAYING FOR LUNCH?

OH, GLAD TO.

THAT'LL COST YOU $1.00.

TELL THEM THERE'LL BE ONE MORE, PLEASE, MAGGIE.

MR. WHITESIDE AT HOME?

YEAH. WE'RE HERE FOR LUNCH.

AH! COME RIGHT IN, GENTLEMEN!

YOU'RE MR. WHITESIDE? THAT'S RIGHT.

LINE UP THERE, BOYS. GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.

HI. HI.

JEFFERSON, THESE LADS HAVE FORMED

A SHERIDAN WHITESIDE CLUB AT THE STATE PENITENTIARY.

THEY LISTEN TO EVERY ONE OF MY BROADCASTS.

I ARRANGED WITH THE WARDEN

TO HAVE THEM COME HERE TODAY FOR LUNCHEON.

YOU'RE MICHAELSON, AREN'T YOU?

DID THE DRAINPIPE MURDERS?

YES, SIR.

THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED YOU.

THE ONE ON THIS END, JEFFERSON,

IS HAGGERTY, THE HATCHET FIEND.

ALWAYS CHOPPED THEM UP IN A SALAD BOWL, REMEMBER?

HOW DO YOU DO?

HI.

LUNCH IS READY, MR. WHITESIDE.

GOOD! WE'LL GO RIGHT IN!

CAN I HELP YOU? YES. THANK YOU. GENTLEMEN, AFTER YOU.

WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN LIVERS TETRAZZINI

AND CHERRIES JUBILEE FOR DESSERT.

WHAT, NO SALAD BOWL, MR. WHITESIDE? UH, NO, HAGGERTY.

I DO NOT WISH TO PLACE TEMPTATION IN YOUR PATH.

I HOPE EVERY LITTLE TUMMY IS A FLUTTER WITH GASTRIC JUICES.

CLOSE THE DOORS, JOHN.

DON'T WANT A LOTTA PEOPLE PRYING ON THEIR BETTERS.

YES, SIR.

HELLO, MR. STANLEY. WILL YOU SIGN FOR THIS?

WELL, WHAT IS IT? WE'RE NOT QUITE SURE.

IT'S FOR MR. WHITESIDE FROM A WILLIAM BEEBE.

WILLIAM BEEBE? WHY, HE'S THE GREAT NATURALIST.

GOOD HEAVENS! IT'S AN OCTOPUS! THAT'S IT!

I KNEW THERE WAS A "PUS" IN THE NAME SOMEWHERES.

WHEN YOU RETURN TO THE UNIVERSITY IN CANTON,

I WANT YOU TO TAKE A MESSAGE FOR ME TO PROFESSOR CHUNG WUNG LU.

WE WENT TO HAMILTON TOGETHER.

MR. WHITESIDE!

SIT DOWN, GENTLEMEN. THIS ISN'T ANYBODY.

THERE'S AN OCTOPUS AT THE DOOR!

GOOD! BRING HIM IN! NOW I'LL HAVE SOMEBODY INTELLIGENT TO

TALK TO IN THE EVENINGS.

MR. WHITESIDE, I WARN YOU,

I'LL NOT HAVE THAT MONSTER IN MY HOUSE.

WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS A MOTEL

FOR YOU AND MRS. STANLEY IF YOU'RE FINICKY.

RIGHT IN HERE.

A LITTLE PLAYMATE FOR YOU, MR. WHITESIDE.

GOOD! GOOD! PUT IT RIGHT DOWN HERE.

MY, WHAT A CHARMING LITTLE CREATURE!

MR. STANLEY, WHAT'S YOUR FIRST NAME?

UH, ERNEST. WHY?

BOYS, TAKE ERNEST DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, WILL YOU, PLEASE?

WHAT? MR. WHITESIDE, THERE IS A LIMIT. I WARN YOU,

I'M A PATIENT MAN, BUT--

DINNER IS SERVED, MR. WHITESIDE.

DAISY, WHERE'S THAT BICARBONATE OF SODA?

DAISY, THIS IS THE END. I'VE STOOD ALL I'M GONNA STAND.

WHERE'S THAT TELEPHONE BILL?

NOW, ERNEST, PLEASE! LISTEN TO ME, ERNEST!

OH!

JOHN, TELL SARAH THE LOBSTER NEWBURG IS ABSOLUTELY SUPERB.

YES, MR. WHITESIDE. THANK YOU.

MR. WHITESIDE, I WANNA TALK TO YOU!

I'VE STOOD ALL I'M GOING TO STAND.

IGNORE THE INTERRUPTION. FOR THE PAST 10 DAYS,

WE COULDN'T CALL OUR SOULS OUR OWN.

WE HAVEN'T HAD A MEAL HERE ONCE.

I CAME HOME AND FOUND CONVICTS SITTING AT MY DINNER TABLE.

DRAINPIPE MURDERERS! AND NOW--

NOW, ERNEST-- PLEASE.

I GO INTO MY BATHROOM AND BUMP INTO 2 MORE.

I WON'T STAND FOR IT, NO MATTER WHAT!

HAVE YOU QUITE FINISHED? NO, SIR, I HAVE NOT!

THIS BILL FROM THE TELEPHONE COMPANY FOR $784!

OKLAHOMA CITY, ROME,

CALCUTTA, HOLLYWOOD, BUENOS AIRES,

NEW YORK, NEW YORK, NEW YORK, NEW YORK!

BUT, ERNEST-- LEAVE ME ALONE!

MR. WHITESIDE, I WANT YOU TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE AS SOON AS YOU

CAN AND GO TO A HOTEL. STOP PAWING ME, DAISY!

THAT'S ALL I'VE TO SAY TO YOU, MR. WHITESIDE.

QUITE ENOUGH, I SHOULD SAY.

IF YOU INSIST UPON MY LEAVING THIS HOUSE,

THEREBY CAUSING ME TO SUFFER A RELAPSE,

I'LL SUE YOU FOR EVERY ADDITIONAL DAY

THAT I AM HELD INACTIVE, WHICH WILL AMOUNT,

I ASSURE YOU, TO A TIDY SUM.

THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

AS FOR THE DETAILS OF YOUR PETTY COMPLAINTS,

THESE GENTLEMEN CAME STRAIGHT FROM THE WHITE HOUSE,

WHERE, I ASSURE YOU, THEY USED THE BATHROOM, TOO.

MR. WHITESIDE, ERNEST DIDN'T MEAN--

I DID TOO! I MEANT EVERY WORD!

THERE'S ONE POINT IN WHICH I SEE SOME JUSTICE.

I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO PAY FOR MY CALLS.

I'LL MAKE SURE THAT RESTITUTION IS MADE.

CAN YOU PROVIDE ME WITH THE EXACT AMOUNT?

I CERTAINLY CAN, AND I CERTAINLY WILL!

GOOD! I SHALL INSTRUCT MY LAWYERS

TO DEDUCT IT FROM THE $150,000

THAT I AM SUING YOU FOR.

TELL ME GENTLEMEN-- IS IT TRUE THAT IN CHINA,

YOU DROWN MIDDLE-AGED BUSINESSMEN AT BIRTH?

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

HA HA HA!

OH, I'M SORRY, MAGGIE. HA HA HA!

I UNDERSTAND NOW WHY SONJA HENIE MAKES SO MUCH MONEY.

YOU CAN'T LEARN SKATING WITHOUT TAKING A SPILL OR TWO.

YOU'VE A PRETTY GOOD SENSE OF BALANCE.

I SHOULD HAVE. I CUT A MEAN FIGURE 8 AT THE STORK CLUB.

YOU WANT TO SIT DOWN? HIYA, JACK! OH! HA HA HA!

AND I DIDN'T EVEN SAY YES! HA HA HA! I'M SORRY, MAGGIE.

LET'S GO SIT BY THE FIRE.

OH, DON'T YOU EVER WAVE AGAIN

UNLESS YOU SEE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.

OKAY. HA HA HA!

HIYA, BERT! WHAT DO YOU SAY?

HIYA, BOY. WHAT DO YOU SAY, JACK? HELLO, MARY!

HOW'S THE ICE? HARD.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW IS IT, SAM? GERTIE?

YOU KNOW MORE PEOPLE THAN A HEADWAITER.

WELL, I ADMIT I AM POPULAR.

HERE I AM, THE MOST ATTRACTIVE MAN IN TOWN.

ARE YOU? SURE. WE RAN A CONTEST IN THE PAPER LAST WEEK,

AND I WON. OF COURSE, I OWN THE PAPER,

BUT THAT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE.

HOW ABOUT A HOT SWEET POTATO?

A WHAT? OH, SWEET POTATO.

THAT'S WHAT THEY SERVE AT 21 WITH PINEAPPLE GLACE.

HEY, FREDDY!

YES, MR. JEFFERSON?

2 SWEETS.

BEST IN THE WEST.

HMM. HOT.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU, MR. JEFFERSON.

HOW'S YOUR BACK?

IT'S BROKEN. THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, MAGGIE, I WAS WONDERING--

DON'T KNOW IF I'M MAKING A HIT WITH YOU OR NOT.

YOU'RE DOING ALRIGHT.

ARE YOU HAVING FUN, MAGGIE? I'M LOVING IT.

GOOD.

YOU GOT A GIRL, BERT?

OH, NOT PARTICULARLY. WHY?

OH, I WAS JUST WONDERING.

YOU KNOW, MOST ATTRACTIVE MAN IN TOWN.

FUNNY THING IS, YOU ARE SORT OF ATTRACTIVE

IN A CORNFED SORT OF WAY.

I COULD IMAGINE SOME POOR GIRL

FALLING FOR YOU IF, WELL,

IF YOU THREW IN A SET OF DISHES.

WELL, I'VE GOT THE DISHES.

"HER FOOTSTEPS QUICKEN.

"CALMLY AND QUIETLY, SHE GOES TO THE DOORWAY,

"AND THE DOOR CLOSES BEHIND HER.

THERE'S A MOMENT'S SILENCE, AND THE CURTAIN FALLS."

WELL, MAGGIE, THERE IT IS.

IT'S WONDERFUL. I THINK IT'S A FINE PLAY.

HONESTLY, MAGGIE?

ARE YOU TELLING ME THE TRUTH?

IT'S BETTER THAN THAT. I THINK IT'S GREAT.

MAY I TAKE IT WITH ME? I WANNA READ IT AGAIN MYSELF.

SURE. YOU LIKE IT AS MUCH AS THAT, HUH?

BERT JEFFERSON, YOU'RE QUITE A GUY.

SAY, I'LL WRITE ANOTHER ONE RIGHT AWAY.

HA HA HA!

THERE, YOU SEE HOW GOOD IT IS?

I'VE FORGOTTEN THE TIME.

I MUST GO.

[CLOCK CHIMING]

[YAWNS]

MISS PREEN.

MISS PREEN!

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT IN THERE, A SAILOR?

I WAS JUST FIXING YOUR MEDICINE.

HAS MISS CUTLER COME IN?

I DON'T KNOW, MR. WHITESIDE. AT LEAST, I HAVEN'T SEEN HER.

ARE YOU SURE?

I'M NOT SURE OF ANYTHING ANYMORE, MR. WHITESIDE.

HERE'S YOUR MEDICINE.

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, GO BACK TO THE NAVY.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[DOOR OPENS]

Whiteside: COME HERE, YOU TWO.

COME ON, COME ON. I'M NOT GOING TO BITE YOU.

NOW, LOOK HERE, I AM BY NATURE A GRACIOUS AND CHARMING PERSON.

I'M AFRAID THAT WHEN WE FIRST MET, I WAS UNPLEASANT TO YOU.

I'M SORRY, AND IN THE FUTURE PLEASE DON'T TREAT ME

LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF EDGAR ALLAN POE.

DO YOU LIKE MY NEW TIE?

THANK YOU, MR. WHITESIDE. THIS MAKES THINGS

SO MUCH PLEASANTER, I THINK YOUR TIE IS VERY PRETTY.

SINCE WE'RE ON GOOD TERMS, I'D LIKE TO MENTION

I'VE BEEN ADMIRING ALL YOUR TIES.

YOU LIKE THIS ONE? CERTAINLY DO.

IT'S YOURS. WELL, THANKS.

REALLY, THIS CURIOUS LEGEND THAT I AM A DIFFICULT PERSON

IS PURE FABRICATION. ICE-SKATING, EH?

AH, ME, I USED TO CUT FIGURE EIGHTS MYSELF

ARM IN ARM WITH BETSY ROSS, WAVING THE FLAG BEHIND US.

OH, IT WAS WONDERFUL ON THE ICE TONIGHT.

MISS CUTLER AND MR. JEFFERSON WERE THERE.

MAGGIE...SKATING? I GOT A MARVELOUS PICTURE OF HER.

THEY SEEMED TO BE HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME. DID THEY, INDEED?

MIND IF I TOOK A PICTURE OF YOU? I'D LOVE TO HAVE ONE.

VERY WELL. DO YOU WANT MY PROFILE?

AFRAID YOU'RE DONE FOR, MR. WHITESIDE.

MY BROTHER'S A CAMERA FIEND.

THANKS, MR. WHITESIDE. I GOT A GREAT ONE.

GOODNIGHT! GOODNIGHT.

[QUIETLY] DEAR MR. WHITESIDE. OH.

HOW WONDERFUL TO FIND YOU ALONE.

I'VE BEEN WANTING TO SHOW YOU

A FEW MEMENTOS OF THE PAST.

I SOMEHOW FEEL THAT YOU WILL LOVE THEM AS I DO.

WHY, I'D BE DELIGHTED. MISS STANLEY,

HAVEN'T WE MET SOMEWHERE BEFORE?

OH, NO. I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF MY CHERISHED MEMORIES...

LIKE THIS.

LOOK. THERE I AM WITH MY FIRST SWEETHEART

UNDER OUR LOVELY BEECHWOOD TREE.

I WAS 8, AND HE WAS 10.

I HAVE NEVER FORGOTTEN HIM.

WHAT HAPPY TIMES WE HAD.

WHAT PRECIOUS HOURS.

GOODNIGHT, DEAR MR. WHITESIDE.

GOODNIGHT.

HAPPY, HAPPY DREAMS.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

GOOD EVENING.

REALLY, SHERRY, YOU'VE GOT THIS ROOM

LOOKING LIKE AN OLD PARROT CAGE.

DID YOU HAVE A NAP WHILE I WAS OUT?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, DEAR, CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?

DON'T LOOK AT ME WITH THOSE GREAT COW EYES,

YOU SIMPERING SAPPHO.

WHERE'VE YOU BEEN ALL NIGHT?

PLAYING HOUSE WITH BERT JEFFERSON?

I HAD THE MOST WONDERFUL EVENING.

I'VE BEEN ICE-SKATING FOR THE FIRST TIME.

THEY TELL ME I'M THE FIRST PERSON

TO DO A FIGURE EIGHT FROM A SITTING POSITION.

WE ARE NOT AMUSED.

BERT READ ME HIS PLAY. IT'S SUPERB.

IT'S NOT JUST A PLAY BY A NEWSPAPERMAN.

IT'S REALLY SUPERB. CRIES OUT FOR CORNELL.

WILL YOU SEND IT TO HER? WILL YOU READ IT TONIGHT?

I'LL NOT READ IT TONIGHT OR ANY OTHER TIME!

WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT OF MR. JEFFERSON.

TELL HIM THAT I'M SUING HIM FOR YOUR SALARY,

SINCE HE TAKES UP ALL YOUR TIME!

IT'S NOT AS BAD AS ALL THAT.

HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN ABLE TO REACH YOU,

NOW KNOWING WHAT ICE-CREAM PARLORS YOU FREQUENT.

YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A VERY SPOILED CHILD, SHERRY.

OH, DON'T TAKE THAT PATRONIZING TONE WITH ME,

YOU FLEA-BITTEN CLEOPATRA.

SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR SNEAKING OUT LIKE SOME LOVESICK

HIGH-SCHOOL GIRL EVERY TIME MY BACK IS TURNED.

I'M AFRAID YOU'VE HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD.

STOP ACTING LIKE ZASU PITTS

AND EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

WELL, I'LL BE QUICK ABOUT IT.

I'M IN LOVE.

NONSENSE. THIS IS MERELY DELAYED ADOLESCENCE.

NO, SHERRY. YOU'RE JUST ABOUT TO LOSE

A VERY EXCELLENT SECRETARY.

YOU'RE OUTTA YOUR MIND. YES, I THINK I AM A LITTLE.

I'M A GIRL WHO'S WAITED A LONG TIME

FOR THIS TO HAPPEN TO HER, AND NOW IT HAS.

MR. JEFFERSON DOESN'T KNOW IT YET,

BUT I'M GOING TO TRY MY DARNDEST TO MARRY HIM.

IS THAT ALL?

WELL, YES, EXCEPT THAT--

THIS IS MY RESIGNATION AS SOON AS YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE ELSE.

LISTEN TO ME! WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER A LONG TIME.

YOU'RE INDISPENSABLE TO ME. I THINK THAT I'M UNSELFISH ENOUGH

NOT TO LET THAT STAND IN THE WAY OF YOUR HAPPINESS...

BECAUSE, WHETHER YOU KNOW IT OR NOT,

I'VE A DEEP AFFECTION FOR YOU. I KNOW THAT.

THEREFORE, I WILL NOT LET YOU MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF!

OH, BUT I'M NOT! YOU ARE, MY DEAR.

YOU'RE BEHAVING LIKE TILLIE THE TOILER.

OH, IT'S INCREDIBLE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S HAPPENED, SHERRY.

I CAN ONLY TELL YOU THAT IT HAS.

IT'S HARD FOR ME TO BELIEVE MYSELF.

HERE I AM, A HARD-BITTEN OLD CYNIC,

BEHAVING LIKE WINNIE-THE-POOH AND LIKING IT.

DISCOVERING THE MOONLIGHT AND ICE-SKATING AND--

WE'RE LEAVING HERE TOMORROW.

HIP OR NO HIP, WE'RE LEAVING TOMORROW!

I DON'T CARE IF I FRACTURE THE OTHER ONE.

GET ME A TRAIN SCHEDULE AND START PACKING.

I'LL PULL YOU OUT OF THIS, MISS STARDUST.

I'LL GET THE ANTS FROM MOONLIT--

IT'S NO GOOD, SHERRY. IT'S NO GOOD.

I'D BE BACK ON THE FIRST STREAMLINED TRAIN.

OH, IT'S COMPLETELY UNBELIEVABLE!

CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF THE WIFE OF THE EDITOR

OF THE MESALIA JOURNAL, HAVING AN EVENING AT HOME

FOR MR. AND MRS. STANLEY,

MR. AND MRS. DRIBBLEPUSS,

AND THE MEMBERS OF THE BIG SISTERS'

BENEVOLENT ASSOCIATION?

SHERRY, I'VE HAD 10 YEARS OF THE GREAT FIGURES OF OUR TIME,

AND DON'T THINK I'M NOT GRATEFUL TO YOU FOR IT.

I'VE LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

THEY'VE BEEN WONDERFUL YEARS-- GAY AND STIMULATING.

I DON'T THINK ANYBODY'S HAD MORE FUN THAN WE'VE HAD,

BUT A GIRL CAN'T LAUGH ALL THE TIME, SHERRY.

THERE COMES A TIME WHEN SHE WANTS...

BERT JEFFERSON.

OH! OH, YOU DON'T KNOW BERT, SHERRY.

HE'S GENTLE, AND HE'S UNASSUMING, AND HE'S...

WELL, I LOVE HIM, THAT'S ALL.

I SEE. WELL, I REMAIN COMPLETELY UNCONVINCED.

YOU'RE DRUGGING YOURSELF INTO THIS GINGER ROGERS FANTASY,

AND BEFORE YOU BECOME COMPLETELY ANESTHETIZED,

I SHALL DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER

TO BRING YOU TO YOUR SENSES.

NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME, WHITESIDE.

YOU LAY OFF. I KNOW YOU.

I KNOW WHAT A DEVIL YOU CAN BE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO PEOPLE,

BUT YOU'RE NOT DOING IT TO ME.

AND DON'T YOU DRUG YOURSELF WITH THE IDEA

THAT YOU'RE ONLY THINKING OF MY HAPPINESS.

YOU'RE THINKING OF ALL THOSE MONTHS

OF BREAKING IN SOMEBODY NEW.

I'VE SEEN YOU IN A PASSION BEFORE

WHEN YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN DISRUPTED

AND YOU COULDN'T DINE

ON JULY 12 IN CALCUTTA

WITH THE MAHARAJAH THIS OR THAT.

WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD, SHERRY,

BUT THERE IT IS.

I'M GOING TO MARRY BERT...

IF HE'LL HAVE ME.

DON'T YOU PULL ANY OF YOUR TRICKS ON ME

BECAUSE I'M ONTO EVERY ONE OF THEM.

THAT'S MY MESSAGE TO YOU.

BIG LORD FAUNTLEROY.

[DOOR CLOSES]

LONG DISTANCE, PLEASE.

HELLO. LONG DISTANCE? THIS IS MESALIA 142.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I WANT TO SPEAK TO PALM BEACH, FLORIDA.

MISS LORRAINE SHELDON.

S-H-E-L-D-O-N.

SHE'S AT THE HOME OF LORD CEDRIC BOTTOMLY.

PALM BEACH.

WELL, WILL IT TAKE LONG?

ALRIGHT, MY NAME IS WHITESIDE.

THANK YOU.

GOOD EVENING, JOHN.

GOOD EVENING, DOCTOR.

[DOOR CLOSES]

OH...

WELL, WELL, GOOD EVENING, MR. WHITESIDE.

COME BACK TOMORROW, DOCTOR.

I'M VERY BUSY NOW.

YEAH, I KNOW IT'S RATHER LATE,

BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING WONDERFUL TO TELL YOU.

WHAT WOULD BE THE VERY BEST NEWS

THAT I COULD POSSIBLY BRING YOU?

YOU HAVE HYDROPHOBIA.

HA HA HA! NO, NO, MR. WHITESIDE.

YOU'RE A WELL MAN.

YOU CAN GET UP AND WALK.

YOU CAN LEAVE HERE TOMORROW.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, I LOOKED AT THE X-RAYS AGAIN TONIGHT,

AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

I'VE BEEN LOOKING AT THE WRONG X-RAYS.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING AT OLD MRS. MOFFIT'S X-RAYS.

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY WELL.

LOWER YOUR VOICE, WILL YOU PLEASE?

WHAT'S THE MATTER? AREN'T YOU PLEASED?

WELL, DELIGHTED, OF COURSE, NATURALLY,

BUT IT'S A RATHER UNEXPECTED BIT OF NEWS,

HOWEVER. IT COMES AT A VERY CURIOUS MOMENT.

I--UH...DOCTOR,

I'VE SOME GOOD NEWS FOR YOU, TOO.

I'VE BEEN READING YOUR BOOK--

40 YEARS-- WHAT'S IT CALLED?

AN OHIO DOCTOR. THAT'S IT.

I CONSIDER IT CLOSE TO BEING ONE OF THE GREATEST

LITERARY CONTRIBUTIONS OF OUR TIME.

OH, MR. WHITESIDE.

I HAVE A PROPOSITION TO MAKE YOU.

NOW, THE BOOK'S A LITTLE UNEVEN, A LITTLE ROUGH.

WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO IS TO STAY HERE IN MESALIA

AND WORK WITH YOU ON IT.

OH, MR. WHITESIDE,

I SHOULD BE SO TERRIBLY HONORED.

YES, BUT THERE'S JUST ONE SLIGHT DIFFICULTY.

YOU SEE, IF MY LECTURE BUREAU

AND MY RADIO SPONSORS

WERE TO LEARN THAT I'M WELL,

THEY'D INSIST UPON MY FULFILLING MY CONTRACTS,

AND I'D BE FORCED TO LEAVE MESALIA.

THEREFORE, WE MUST NOT TELL ANYONE--

NOT ANYONE AT ALL-- THAT I'M WELL.

OH, I SEE.

NOT EVEN MISS CUTLER. YOU UNDERSTAND?

I WON'T--NOT A SOUL, NOT EVEN MY WIFE.

THAT'S FINE.

MR. WHITESIDE,

WHEN SHALL WE START WORK ON MY BOOK--

TONIGHT, LATE AS IT IS?

I'VE JUST GOT ONE PATIENT THAT'S DYING.

THEN I'LL BE PERFECTLY FREE.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

TOMORROW MORNING. THIS IS A PRIVATE CALL.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME. YES. HELLO.

YES, I'M ON.

GOODNIGHT, DOCTOR. GOODNIGHT.

GOODNIGHT. I'LL BE HERE EARLY IN THE MORNING.

HELLO.

IS THIS MY BLOSSOM GIRL?

SHERRY, MY SWEET. HOW ARE YOU, DARLING?

LORRAINE, MY BLOSSOM,

I HAVE THE MOST WONDERFUL NEWS FOR YOU.

I'VE BEEN READING THE MOST BRILLIANT PLAY

WITH AN ENCHANTING PART IN IT FOR YOU.

WHY, YOU'RE ONSTAGE EVERY MINUTE.

DARLING!

WHAT?

DARLING, WHY DO I HAVE TO COME THERE?

CAN'T YOU SEND IT TO ME?

LORD CEDRIC'S BRINGING THE YACHT DOWN TOMORROW.

NOW, WAIT, WAIT. LET ME EXPLAIN.

THE AUTHOR IS A YOUNG NEWSPAPERMAN HERE IN TOWN.

HIS NAME IS BERT JEFFERSON.

OF COURSE, HE WANTS KATHARINE CORNELL,

BUT IF YOU JUMP ON A TRAIN AND GET HERE,

YOU COULD SWING IT

IF YOU PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT.

WHAT? NO. HE'S YOUNG AND VERY ATTRACTIVE.

WHY, HE'S JUST YOUR DISH, MY DEAR.

WELL, IT JUST TAKES A LITTLE DOING,

AND YOU'RE THE GIRL THAT CAN DO IT.

ISN'T THAT EXCITING, MY PET?

OH.

OH, YES, I UNDERSTAND.

SHERRY, YOU'RE THE DEAR SWEET OF THE WORLD,

AND I'LL TAKE THE FIRST TRAIN TOMORROW MORNING.

GOOD-LOOKING, TOO, HUH? I CAN HARDLY WAIT.

AND LOOK, DON'T SEND ME ANY MESSAGES.

JUST GET ON A TRAIN AND ARRIVE.

THAT'S MY BLOSSOM GIRL.

GOOD-BYE.

I FORGOT YOUR SLEEPING TABLET.

HELLO, MISS PREEN!

MY, YOU'RE LOOKING RADIANT THIS EVENING!

SIT DOWN. STAY AWHILE.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[DOOR OPENS]

SHERRY, I'M SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID JUST NOW.

I'M AFRAID I WAS UNJUST.

OH, THAT'S QUITE ALRIGHT, MAGGIE, MY DEAR.

WE ALL LOSE OUR TEMPERS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

JUST GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.

PEOPLE MISJUDGE YOU, SHERRY.

YOU'RE REALLY VERY SWEET.

GOODNIGHT.

GOODNIGHT. SWEET DREAMS.

THANK YOU. GOODNIGHT, SHERRY.

♪ I'S JUST A LITTLE WABBIT IN THE SUNSHINE ♪

♪ I'S JUST A LITTLE WABBIT IN THE SPWING ♪

♪ I'S JUST A LITTLE WABBIT IN THE RAINTIME... ♪

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S ALL THERE ARE, MISS CUTLER.

THANK YOU, JOHN.

MY, I NEVER SAW ANYONE GET SO MANY PRESENTS.

I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO SEE WHAT'S IN THEM.

WHEN WILL MR. WHITESIDE OPEN THEM, MISS CUTLER?

WELL, YOU SEE, JOHN, CHRISTMAS IS

MR. WHITESIDE'S PERSONAL PROPERTY.

HE INVENTED IT. IT BELONGS TO HIM.

TOMORROW MORNING, VERY FIRST THING,

MR. WHITESIDE WILL OPEN EACH AND EVERY PRESENT,

AND HE'LL RAISE THE BIGGEST STINK

THAT YOU'VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE.

FROM WINSTON CHURCHILL...

DEANNA DURBIN...

GYPSY ROSE LEE...

SOMERSET MAUG-HAM.

MY, I CAN HARDLY WAIT TILL TOMORROW.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?

MR. WHITESIDE'S TREE IS SO BEAUTIFUL, TOO.

MR. AND MRS. STANLEY CAN HARDLY UNDRESS AT NIGHT

WITH THEIR TREE IN THEIR BEDROOM.

Bert: GOOD EVENING, JOHN.

GOOD EVENING, MR. JEFFERSON.

HIYA, MAGGIE. MERRY CHRISTMAS, SARAH.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MR. JEFFERSON.

SAY, BUSINESS IS GOOD, ISN'T IT?

MY, WHAT A LITTLE QUIET BLACKMAIL

AND A WEEKLY RADIO SHOW CAN GET YOU.

WHAT DO HIS SPONSORS GIVE HIM?

A FULL YEAR'S SUPPLY OF THEIR PRODUCT--

CREAM OF MUSH.

CREAM OF MUSH. WELL, HE'LL GIVE IT

RIGHT BACK TO THEM OVER THE AIR.

WAIT TILL YOU HEAR TONIGHT'S BROADCAST, OLD FELLOW.

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET IT OFF MY FINGERS SINCE I GOT IT.

I'LL BET.

LOOK, I'LL COME CLEAN.

UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF HEAVEN KNOWS WHAT,

I'VE JUST BOUGHT YOU A CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

WHY, MR. JEFFERSON, SIR.

I'D LIKE YOU TO SEE IT

BEFORE I THROW AWAY MY HARD-EARNED MONEY.

CAN WE GO AND CHECK IT?

BERT, THAT'S VERY SWEET OF YOU.

I'M QUITE TOUCHED.

WHAT IS IT? I CAN'T WAIT.

YOU THINK I'M GONNA TELL YOU?

COME AND SEE.

ALRIGHT.

SHERRY!

SHERRY,

I'M GOING OUT FOR A FEW MINUTES

WITH HORACE GREELEY. I WON'T BE LONG.

NOEL, NOEL, MR. W.

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE GIN RUMMY TONIGHT

AFTER YOUR BROADCAST?

I WILL NOT PLAY GIN RUMMY WITH YOU, KLONDIKE HARRY.

YOU'VE BEEN SWINDLING THE PANTS OFF ME

FOR 2 WEEKS.

WHAT ARE YOU GIVING ME FOR CHRISTMAS, JEFFERSON?

I'VE ENRICHED YOUR FEEBLE LIFE

BEYOND YOUR CAPACITY TO REPAY ME.

THAT'S WHAT I FIGURED,

SO I'M NOT GIVING YOU ANYTHING.

I SEE.

I WAS GONNA GIVE YOU MY OLD TRUSS,

BUT NOW I SHAN'T.

SHERRY, THE RADIO MAN WILL BE HERE AT 6:30.

I'LL BE BACK IN TIME.

WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO, ANYWAY, MADAM BUTTERFLY?

I'M BEING GIVEN A CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

ANYTHING I CAN BRING BACK FROM DOWNTOWN?

YES. BRING BABY A LOLLIPOP.

HA HA HA!

Maggie: I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU BOUGHT ME.

I'M LIKE A 10-YEAR-OLD KID.

YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK LIKE A 10-YEAR-OLD KID

RIGHT NOW, MAGGIE, AT THAT.

[DOOR CLOSES]

OPERATOR, GIVE ME THE MANSION HOUSE.

NO, I DON'T KNOW THE NUMBER!

HELLO.

MANSION HOUSE? TELL ME,

HAS A MISS LORRAINE SHELDON ARRIVED YET?

YES, THAT'S RIGHT--

MISS LORRAINE SHELDON FROM PALM BEACH.

SHE HASN'T, EH?

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[DOOR OPENS]

WHAT DO YOU WANT, COMING IN LIKE THAT?

WHY DON'T YOU KNOCK?

BUT I WASN'T COMING IN. I WAS COMING OUT.

MISS PREEN, YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY IN THIS ROOM. ISN'T IT?

YES, IT--

WELL, THEREFORE YOU CAME IN.

HEREAFTER, PLEASE KNOCK.

THERE ARE SOME EXPRESSMEN OUTSIDE WITH A CRATE

I TOLD THEM TO GO TO THE FRONT.

THANK YOU, JOHN.

DON'T STAND THERE, MISS PREEN.

YOU LOOK LIKE A FROZEN CUSTARD.

GO AWAY!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

WHAT IS IT THIS TIME, JOE?

PENGUINS, MR. STANLEY--

ALL THE WAY FROM THE SOUTH POLE.

PENGUINS! 4 OF THEM--

2 GIRLS AND 2 BOYS, I THINK.

4! WELL, HE CAN'T NAME THEM ALL AFTER ME.

HERE'S WHERE YOU COME IN, DAISY.

HA HA--HUH?

RIGHT IN HERE, BOYS.

CAREFUL, NOW. DON'T BUMP INTO ANYTHING.

[PENGUINS SQUAWKING]

WHO'S IT FROM, JOE?

ADMIRAL BYRD. THEY'RE PENGUINS.

DIRECTIONS ON HOW TO FEED THEM ON TOP.

"TO BE FED ONLY WHALE BLUBBER,

EELS, AND CRACKED LOBSTER."

THEY GOT ROOT BEER THIS MORNING

AND LIKED IT.

HELLO, HELLO, HELLO. YOU KNOW, THEY MAKE

THE MOST ENTRANCING COMPANIONS, JOHN.

ADMIRAL BYRD HAS ONE THAT GOES

ON ALL HIS LECTURES.

I WANT THESE IN THE LIBRARY.

TAKE THEM IN, PLEASE?

AND TELL SARAH TO ORDER A COUPLE OF THOSE LOBSTERS.

THERE'S NO WHALE BLUBBER IN THIS TOWN.

GOOD EVENING.

OH, YES, THERE IS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MR. WHITESIDE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW IF EELS ARE IN SEASON, DOCTOR?

HOW'S THAT?

NEVER MIND. I WAS A FOOL TO ASK.

I OPENED THOSE SLATS A LITTLE, MR. WHITESIDE.

THEY SEEMED SO CROWDED IN THERE.

OH, THANK YOU, JOHN.

[CRASH]

HMM. MUST BE MR. STANLEY WRESTLING WITH MY OCTOPUS.

OH, MR. WHITESIDE.

GOOD-BYE, DOCTOR.

SORRY YOU HAPPENED TO DROP IN NOW.

I HAVE TO DO MY YOGI EXERCISES.

BUT, MR. WHITESIDE, IT'S A WEEK NOW--

MY BOOK, YOU KNOW.

WHEN ARE WE GOING TO START WORK ON MY BOOK?

I THOUGHT PERHAPS TODAY MAYBE WE--

GOOD EVENING, DR. BRADLEY.

GOOD EVENING, MISS PREEN.

[PENGUINS SQUAWKING]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

DOCTOR, PERHAPS I'M NOT WELL,

BUT WHEN I OPENED THE DOOR JUST NOW,

I SAW A PENGUIN

WITH A THERMOMETER IN HIS MOUTH.

THOSE PENGUINS GOT OUT OF THEIR CRATE?

DID YOU SAY PENGUINS?

YES.

I WAS AFRAID THE STRAIN WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME.

PENGUINS? YES, DOCTOR.

WOULD YOU GO IN AND CAPTURE THEM,

AND PUT THEM IN THEIR CRATE?

CAPTURE THE PENGUINS?

THAT'S RIGHT, AND, MISS PREEN,

WILL YOU ENTERTAIN THEM, PLEASE, UNTIL I COME IN?

YES, SIR.

CHRISTMAS TREE IN THE BEDROOM

JUST FELL ON MR. STANLEY.

HE GOT A BIG BUMP ON HIS FOREHEAD.

HA HA! ISN'T THAT TOO BAD?

GO AHEAD, DOCTOR. GO ON, MISS PREEN.

HELLO, MR. WHITESIDE.

HELLO, DICKIE, MY BOY!

BUT, MR. WHITESIDE, WILL YOU HAVE

SOME TIME LATER TODAY? MY BOOK.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, DOCTOR. I'M BUSY NOW.

WELL, SUPPOSE I WAIT A LITTLE WHILE?

I'LL WAIT A LITTLE WHILE.

DR. BRADLEY IS THE GREATEST

LIVING ARGUMENT FOR MERCY KILLING.

WELL, RICHARD, WOULD YOU LIKE

A CANDID CAMERA SHOT

OF MY LEFT NOSTRIL THIS EVENING?

I'M SORT OF STOCKED UP ON THOSE.

YOU GOT A MINUTE TO SEE SOME NEW ONES I'VE TAKEN?

I CERTAINLY HAVE.

THESE ARE SPLENDID, RICHARD.

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS.

YOU'RE NOT A KID FOOLING AROUND

WITH A CAMERA.

THESE ARE GOOD.

THIS IS WHAT YOU OUGHT TO DO.

YOU MUST DO SOME OF THOSE THINGS YOU'VE BEEN TELLING ME.

GET ON A BOAT. GET OFF WHEREVER IT STOPS--

GALVESTON, MEXICO, SINGAPORE!

WORK YOUR WAY THROUGH AND TAKE PICTURES--

TERRIBLE PICTURES, WONDERFUL PICTURES,

EVERYTHING.

THEN, I'D BE THE HAPPIEST GUY IN THE WORLD.

WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT?

IF I WERE YOUR AGE, I'D DO IT.

YOU KNOW WHY.

DAD.

DO YOU REALLY WANNNA DO THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE?

I CERTAINLY DO.

WELL, THEN DO IT.

HELLO, DICK.

GOOD EVENING, MR. WHITESIDE.

HELLO, LOVELY.

SO, RICHARD, I'M AFRAID IT'S UP TO YOU.

I GUESS IT IS.

THANK YOU, MR. WHITESIDE.

YOU'VE BEEN SWELL, I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

ALRIGHT, RICHARD.

ARE YOU COMING UPSTAIRS?

YES, IN A FEW MINUTES.

KNOCK ON MY DOOR, I WANNA TALK TO YOU.

YES, I WILL. UH, MR. WHITESIDE,

MAY I SPEAK TO YOU FOR A FEW MINUTES?

WHY, CERTAINLY, MY DEAR. I TAKE IT THIS IS ABOUT

YOUR YOUNG LOTHARIO AT THE FACTORY.

YES. I SIMPLY CAN'T GET FATHER TO UNDERSTAND.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

SANDY AND I LOVE EACH OTHER.

I'D LIKE TO MEET THIS YOUNG MAN.

I'D LIKE TO SEE HIM FOR MYSELF.

WOULD YOU MEET HIM?

HE'S OUTSIDE. HE'S IN THE KITCHEN.

GOOD. BRING HIM IN.

OH, MR. WHITESIDE,

HE'S A VERY SENSITIVE BOY.

YOU'LL BE KIND TO HIM, WON'T YOU?

CONFOUND IT, JUNE!

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LEARN

THAT I'M ALWAYS KIND AND COURTEOUS?

BRING THIS IDIOT IN.

SANDY. SANDY!

HERE HE IS, MR. WHITESIDE. THIS IS SANDY.

HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?

HOW DO YOU DO?

I'VE BEEN HEARING A GOOD DEAL ABOUT YOU FROM JUNE.

IF I HAVE BEEN CORRECTLY INFORMED,

YOU TWO BABES IN THE WOODS

HAVE GONE QUIETLY OUT OF YOUR MINDS.

THERE'S ANOTHER NAME FOR IT. IT'S CALLED LOVE.

WELL, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

DR. SHERIDAN WHITESIDE-- BROKEN HEARTS MENDED,

BRAKES RELINED, HAMBURGERS.

GO RIGHT AHEAD.

IF JUNE HAS TOLD YOU ANYTHING,

YOU KNOW THE JAM WE'RE IN.

I WORK FOR THE UNION,

MR. WHITESIDE. I'M AN ORGANIZER,

I'VE BEEN ORGANIZING THE MEN AT MR. STANLEY'S FACTORY,

AND MR. STANLEY'S SORE ABOUT IT.

HA HA! I'LL BET.

JUNE TOLD YOU.

YES, SHE DID.

SANDY'S LEAVING TOWN TONIGHT

FOR CHICAGO, MR. WHITESIDE.

HE'LL PROBABLY BE GONE A YEAR.

WE'VE SIMPLY GOT TO DECIDE NOW.

WELL, MY DEAR, IT'S ABSURDLY SIMPLE.

IT'S NO PROBLEM AT ALL.

SUPPOSE YOUR PARENTS ARE UNHAPPY.

IT'S GOOD FOR THEM-- DEVELOPS THEIR CHARACTERS.

LOOK AT ME. I LEFT HOME AT THE AGE OF 4,

AND I HAVEN'T BEEN BACK SINCE.

THEY HEAR ME OVER THE RADIO, AND THAT'S ENOUGH FOR THEM.

THEN YOUR ADVICE IS TO GO AHEAD?

IT IS. MARRY HIM TONIGHT, JUNE.

YOU MEAN THAT?

NO.

I MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD MARRY WALTER WINCHELL.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, SAY IT ALL OVER AGAIN?

Ernest: DAISY, I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER.

THERE'S DAD. COME ON.

[DOOR CLOSES]

FORGIVE US FOR TRESPASSING, MR. WHITESIDE.

NOT AT ALL, OLD FELLOW. IT'S CHRISTMAS, YOU KNOW.

MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

AH, YES, MERRY CHRISTMAS. COME ALONG, DAISY.

WHY, MR. STANLEY,

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOUR FOREHEAD?

HAVE YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT?

NO, MR. WHITESIDE. I AM TAKING BOXING LESSONS.

ALRIGHT, DAISY.

BOO!

[WHISPERING] Good-bye.

[DOOR CLOSES]

DEAR MR. WHITESIDE,

I'VE BEEN TRYING ALL DAY TO SEE YOU

TO GIVE YOU THIS.

WHY, MISS STANLEY, A CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR ME?

OH, IT'S JUST A TRIFLE,

BUT I WANTED YOU TO HAVE IT.

IT'S A PICTURE OF ME AS I USED TO BE.

IT WAS TAKEN ON ANOTHER CHRISTMAS EVE

MANY YEARS AGO.

DON'T OPEN IT TILL THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT,

WILL YOU?

MERRY CHRISTMAS, DEAR MR. WHITESIDE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MISS STANLEY,

AND THANK YOU.

[DOOR CLOSES]

MIGHTY NIFTY-LOOKING PACKAGE.

HAD QUITE A STRUGGLE WITH MYSELF

BEFORE I DECIDED NOT TO OPEN IT.

HERE YOU ARE, MAGGIE.

I'M SO EXCITED.

JUST SIGN FOR IT, WILL YOU PLEASE?

KNOW WHAT I'M GIVING MY WIFE? A PIPE.

A PIPE?

THAT DOESN'T SOUND VERY SENSIBLE.

IT'S AS SENSIBLE AS THE VACUUM CLEANER

SHE'S GIVING ME.

HA HA HA!

OH, LOOK HOW BEAUTIFULLY IT'S WRAPPED.

WHY, BERT, HOW WONDERFUL.

HERE'S A TYPEWRITER.

THAT'S WHAT BROUGHT US TOGETHER.

REMEMBER THE DAY YOU FIXED THE RIBBON?

UH-HUH.

AND A PAIR OF ICE SKATES

TO REMIND YOU NEVER TO GO SKATING AGAIN.

HA HA HA!

THIS LITTLE HEART WITH THE ARROW THROUGH IT--

THEY JUST HAD THAT IN THE CATALOG.

BERT, THIS IS THE NICEST CHRISTMAS I'VE EVER HAD.

WELL, I JUST NEVER HAPPENED TO BE AROUND BEFORE.

I'M CERTAINLY GLAD THAT SHERRY FELL

AND FRACTURED HIS HIP.

HA HA HA!

OH, THERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING ENGRAVED ON THEM.

HERE. IT STARTS HERE.

"FAINT...

"HEARTS...

"NE'ER...

"WON...

FAIR LADY."

"NOR...

"IRON...

"BARS...

A CAGE."

WELL, BERT, IT'S A VERY NICE SENTIMENT,

BUT ISN'T IT A BIT GRIM TOWARDS THE END?

WELL, IT SHOULD HAVE ENDED AFTER "FAIR LADY."

THANK YOU, SIR.

I GUESS HE JUST HAD SOME EXTRA CHARMS

LAYING AROUND.

OH, HEAVENS. I'VE GOT TO GET BACK.

SHERRY BROADCASTS AT 7:00. COME ON.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU. MERRY CHRISTMAS, BERT!

IF YOU EVER GET MARRIED, HOW MANY CHILDREN

ARE YOU GONNA HAVE?

6 OR 7. GOOD-BYE.

HEY, I'LL MAKE IT 4.

THAT I MIGHT CONSIDER.

COSETTE, TAKE EVERYTHING ON TO THE HOTEL, WILL YOU?

I'M GOING RIGHT OUT AND SEE POOR MR. WHITESIDE.

GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WEAR. I FEEL SO NAKED.

OUI, MADAME.

THERE.

[WOLF WHISTLES]

[TRAIN WHISTLE]

TAXI? TAXI, LADY?

TAXI, LADY? TAXI?

THIS WAY, MISS.

OH...

THIS IS THE STANLEY RESIDENCE, ISN'T IT?

YES, IT IS.

I'VE COME TO SEE MR. WHITESIDE.

TELL HIM MISS SHELDON IS HERE?

Whiteside: LORRAINE, MY BLOSSOM GIRL!

DARLING! OH, DARLING,

LOOK AT THAT POOR, SWEET, TORTURED FACE.

LET ME KISS IT.

OH, DARLING, HOW DRAWN YOU ARE.

SHERRY, MY SWEET, I'M GOING TO CRY.

ALRIGHT. YOU'VE MADE A VERY NICE ENTRANCE. RELAX.

DARLING, I'VE BEEN SO WORRIED,

AND SEEING YOU IN THAT CHAIR--

THIS CHAIR FITS MY CONTOURS AS NOTHING ELSE EVER HAS.

I'M FEELING BETTER THAN I HAVE IN YEARS,

ONLY CONCERN IS NEWS OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD.

TAKE OFF THAT SKUNK, AND TELL ME.

HOW ARE YOU, MY DARLING?

DARLING, I'M SO RELIEVED. YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.

MY DEAR, DO I LOOK A WRECK!

I JUMPED ON THE TRAIN THE MINUTE YOU CALLED.

PALM BEACH HAS BEEN SO HECTIC THIS SEASON.

FUN, BUT SIMPLY EXHAUSTING--

CHUCK WHITNEY, CARY GRANT,

BARBARA HUTTON-- JUST TOO EXHAUSTING!

I NEVER GOT TO BED. I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START.

START WITH THE DIRT FIRST, THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.

HMM...LET ME SEE.

OH, YES!

SIBYL CARTWRIGHT WAS ORDERED RIGHT OFF THE BEACH.

IT HAPPENED THE DAY BEFORE I LEFT.

SHE HAD ON A CELLOPHANE BATHING SUITS,

AND YOU COULD PRACTICALLY SEE THE WAVES BREAKING.

OH! POOR OLD SIBYL.

AND LOUISE CURTIS-- YOU KNOW HER, SHERRY.

WELL, SHE JUST DIVORCED HER FOURTH HUSBAND

AND REMARRIED HER SECOND. IT WAS AWFULLY MESSY,

BECAUSE BEFORE HE COULD REMARRY HER,

HE HAD TO DIVORCE HIS THIRD WIFE,

WHO IS LOUISE'S MOTHER.

BUT IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING.

OH, AND BEFORE I FORGET IT,

ELSA MAXWELL GAVE ME A MESSAGE FOR YOU.

SHE WANTS YOU TO TAKE OFF 25 POUNDS

AND SEND THEM TO HER. SHE NEEDS THEM.

OH, HA HA HA!

THEY SHALL BE PACKED IN ICE.

NOW, COME ON. WHAT ABOUT YOU?

WHAT ABOUT YOU AND THAT SPLENDID BIT

OF ENGLISH MUTTON, LORD BOTTOMLY?

HAVEN'T YOU HOOKED HIM YET?

SHERRY, PLEASE.

HE'S JUST A VERY DEAR FRIEND OF MINE.

NOW, BLOSSOM GIRL, THIS IS SHERRY.

DON'T TRY TO PULL THE BEDCLOTHES

OVER MY EYES. DON'T TELL ME

YOU WOULDN'T LIKE TO BE LADY BOTTOMLY

WITH £100,000 A YEAR AND 12 CASTLES.

BY THE WAY, HAS HE HAD HIS TEETH FIXED YET?

EVERY TIME I ORDER ROQUEFORT CHEESE,

I THINK OF THOSE TEETH.

SHERRY, REALLY!

CEDRIC MAY NOT BE BRILLIANT,

BUT HE'S RATHER SWEET, POOR LAMB,

AND VERY FOND OF ME.

AFTER ALL, IF I CAN MARRY HIM,

I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULDN'T.

SHALL I TELL YOU SOMETHING, SHERRY, DARLING?

I THINK, FROM SOMETHING HE SAID TO ME,

THAT HE'S FINALLY COMING AROUND TO IT.

NOTHING DEFINITE, BUT DON'T BE SURPRISED

IF I AM LADY BOTTOMLY BEFORE LONG.

LADY BOTTOMLY.

WON'T KANSAS CITY BE SURPRISED?

HOWEVER, I SHALL BE A FLOWER GIRL,

AND SHALL GIVE THE GROOM AN IRON TOOTHPICK

AS A WEDDING PRESENT.

NOW, COME ON, MY BLOSSOM,

I WANT SOME MORE OF YOUR SKULDUGGERY.

WELL, AT--

OH, UH, MR. WHITESIDE--

OH, NO. I'M BUSY NOW.

YES, BUT I--

GO AWAY!

YES, SIR. YES, SIR.

[PENGUIN SQUAWKING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

WHAT WAS THAT?

HE'S FIXING THE PLUMBING.

NOW, COME ON. I WANT SOME NEWS.

BUT, SHERRY, DARLING, WHAT ABOUT THIS PLAY?

AFTER ALL, I'VE COME ALL THE WAY FROM PALM BEACH,

EVEN ON CHRISTMAS EVE. I'VE BEEN SO EXCITED

EVER SINCE YOU TELEPHONED ME ABOUT IT.

WHEN CAN I READ IT?

HERE'S THE SITUATION. THIS YOUNG AUTHOR--

HIS NAME IS BERT JEFFERSON--

BROUGHT ME THE PLAY SO I SEND IT TO KATHARINE CORNELL.

IT'S A MAGNIFICENT PART,

AND I FEEL DISLOYAL TO KITT.

SHERRY. I'VE DONE THIS MUCH.

THE REST IS UP TO YOU. HE'S YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE.

JUST HOW YOU'LL GO ABOUT PERSUADING HIM

I'M SURE YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT THAN I DO,

OH, DARLING,

HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU?

DOES HE KNOW I'M COMING?

THIS YOUNG MAN, I MEAN.

NO, NO, NO!

YOU'RE OUT HERE VISITING ME.

YOU'LL MEET HIM, AND THAT'S THAT.

GO OUT TO DINNER AND WORK AROUND TO THE PLAY.

I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU THESE THINGS.

SHERRY!

I'LL RUN BACK AND GET INTO SOMETHING MORE ATTRACTIVE.

I DUMPED MY BAGS AND RUSHED RIGHT OVER HERE.

DARLING, YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

ALRIGHT. NOW RUN ALONG

AND GET INTO YOUR WORKING CLOTHES.

THEN YOU COME BACK AND SPEND CHRISTMAS EVE WITH SHERRY

I'LL HAVE MR. JEFFERSON ON TAP.

AND DON'T MENTION A WORD OF THE PLAY

IN FRONT OF MAGGIE.

SHE'S A FRIEND OF KITT CORNELL'S.

I'LL JUST BE POLITE WITH MAGGIE.

OH, I'VE GOT A LITTLE SURPRISE FOR YOU.

WHO DO YOU SUPPOSE IS PAYING ME A VISIT TONIGHT?

NONE OTHER THAN YOUR OLD FRIEND

AND FELLOW ACTOR BEVERLY CARLTON.

BEVERLY? REALLY?

I THOUGHT HE WAS BEING GLAMOROUS AGAIN

ON A TRAMP STEAMER.

OH, COME, COME, BLOSSOM. MUSTN'T BE BITTER

JUST BECAUSE HE GOT BETTER NOTICES THAN YOU DID.

DON'T BE SILLY, SHERRY. I NEVER READ NOTICES.

I SIMPLY WOULDN'T CARE TO ACT WITH HIM AGAIN.

HE'S NOT STAYING HERE, IS HE? I HOPE NOT.

TEMPER, TEMPER, TEMPER. NO, HE'S NOT.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT DIAMOND BRACELET, DEAR?

THAT'S A NEW BIT OF LOOT?

HAVEN'T YOU SEEN THIS BEFORE?

CEDRIC GAVE IT TO ME FOR HIS MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY.

SHE WAS SIMPLY FURIOUS! OH, BUT, DARLING,

I HAVE A TAXI WAITING OUTSIDE.

IF I'M TO GET BACK--

Maggie: SHERRY!

SHERRY, WHAT DO YOU THINK--

OH, HELLO, MAGGIE.

I KNEW YOU MUST BE AROUND SOMEWHERE.

HOW ARE YOU, MY DEAR?

SANTA CLAUS HAS BEEN AT WORK.

LORRAINE-BLOSSOM JUST DROPPED IN

OUT OF THE BLUE AND SURPRISED US.

HELLO, LORRAINE.

HELLO.

BERT, IS THAT YOU? COME RIGHT IN, BERT.

BERT JEFFERSON, MISS LORRAINE SHELDON.

HOW DO YOU DO, MISS SHELDON?

HOW DO YOU DO?

I DIDN'T QUITE CATCH THE NAME: JEFFERSON?

THAT'S RIGHT, PET.

WHY, MR. JEFFERSON,

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE A NEWSPAPERMAN.

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE A NEWSPAPERMAN AT ALL.

REALLY? I THOUGHT IT WAS WRITTEN

ALL OVER ME IN NEON LIGHTS.

OH, NOT AT ALL.

I SHOULD HAVE SAID

YOU WERE A, OH, I DON'T KNOW--

AN AVIATOR, AN EXPLORER, OR SOMETHING.

THEY HAVE THE SAME KIND OF DASH ABOUT THEM.

I'M SIMPLY ENCHANTED WITH YOUR LITTLE TOWN,

MR. JEFFERSON.

IT GIVES ONE SUCH A WARM, GRACIOUS FEELING.

HAVE YOU LIVED HERE ALL YOUR LIFE?

Bert: PRACTICALLY.

IF YOU WISH TO HEAR HIS LIFE STORY,

KINDLY DO SO ON YOUR OWN TIME.

MAGGIE AND I HAVE WORK TO DO.

GET OUT OF HERE, JEFFERSON.

ON YOUR WAY, BLOSSOM.

HE'S THE WORLD'S RUDEST MAN, ISN'T HE?

OH, COULD I DROP YOU, MR. JEFFERSON?

I'M GOING DOWN TO THE MANSION HOUSE,

I THINK IT'S CALLED.

THANK YOU, BUT I'VE GOT MY CAR.

SUPPOSE I DROP YOU?

THAT WOULD BE LOVELY.

WE'LL SEND THE TAXI RIGHT OFF.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, SHERRY, DEAR.

Lorraine: BYE, MAGGIE.

Bert: GOOD-BYE, MAGGIE.

I'M INVITED BACK FOR DINNER?

OH, YES. YOU ARE.

AT CHRISTMAS I ALWAYS FEED THE NEEDY.

NOW, STOP OOZING OUT AND GET OUT.

COME ON, MR. JEFFERSON.

I WANNA HEAR MORE ABOUT THIS CHARMING TOWN OF YOURS,

AND A GREAT DEAL MORE ABOUT YOU.

IS THERE A COMPANY THAT BROADCASTS AROUND HERE ANYWHERE?

HOW MUCH TIME DID YOU SAY THEY WANT, 4 MINUTES?

THAT'S RIGHT. 4 MINUTES.

MM-HMM.

SHE'S LOOKING VERY WELL, ISN'T SHE?

YEAH? WHO?

COUNTESS DE CYANIDE.

QUITE A SURPRISE, WASN'T IT--

HER DROPPING IN LIKE THIS?

YES. YES, IT WAS. YES, IT WAS! YEAH. UH--

"AT THIS JOYOUS SEASON OF THE YEAR,

WITHIN THE HEARTS OF MEN--"

NO. I CAN'T CUT THAT.

ISN'T IT CURIOUS? THERE WAS LORRAINE,

SNUG AS A BUG

IN SOMEBODY'S PATIO IN PALM BEACH.

UH, "ERE THE YULETIDE SEASON PASS..."

NOW, SHERRY, I THINK WE WILL TALK A BIT.

JUST BECAUSE A FRIEND HAPPENS TO COME AND SPEND CHRISTMAS--

I DON'T THINK SHE HAPPENED

TO COME OUT HERE, SHERRY.

I DON'T THINK THAT.

SURELY YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING

I HAD ANYTHING TO DO ABOUT IT?

YES, SHERRY, I AM.

MAGGIE! YOU KNOW THAT ONE OF MY CARDINAL PRINCIPLES

IS NEVER TO INTERFERE IN OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES,

ABSOLUTELY NEVER!

June: GOOD-BYE, MR. WHITESIDE.

WE CAN NEVER THANK YOU ENOUGH.

Richard: YOU'VE CHANGED OUR WHOLE LIVES.

YES, YES. WELL, GOOD-BYE.

HAVE A NICE TRIP. GOOD-BYE.

Both: GOOD-BYE, MISS CUTLER.

GOOD-BYE.

I SEE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT.

AS FOR LORRAINE, NO ONE WAS MORE SURPRISED

THAN I WHEN SHE WALKED IN.

SHERRY, I'M WARNING YOU.

THIS MEANS A GREAT DEAL TO ME.

I WON'T STAND FOR ANY NONSENSE.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I HAVE A HUNCH THAT'S BEVERLY.

RUN AND SEE IF IT IS.

GO AHEAD, MAGGIE, RUN, RUN!

Man: MR. WHITESIDE?

YES, SIR. COME IN.

THANK YOU.

Maggie: BEVERLY!

MAGPIE!

BEVERLY CARLTON!

COME IN HERE, YOU PICCADILLY PEN-PUSHER,

AND GAZE UPON A SOUL IN AGONY.

DON'T TELL ME HOW YOU ARE, SHERRY.

I WANT NONE OF THE TIRESOME DETAILS.

I'VE VERY LITTLE TIME, AND SO THE CONVERSATION

WILL BE ENTIRELY ABOUT ME, AND I'LL LOVE IT.

I'LL TELL YOU HOW I GLITTERED THROUGH THE SOUTH SEAS

LIKE A SILVERY SCIMITAR,

OR RATHER HEAR HOW I FINISHED A 3-ACT PLAY

WITH ONE HAND AND MADE LOVE TO A MAHARAJAH'S DAUGHTER

WITH THE OTHER?

IT WAS A VERY PRETTY SIGHT.

MAGPIE, YOU ARE THE MOONFLOWER OF MY MIDDLE AGE.

I LOVE YOU. SAY SOMETHING TENDER TO ME.

BEVERLY, DARLING.

THAT'S MY GIRL.

SHERRY, WITHOUT GOING INTO MOUNTAINOUS WAVES

OF SELF-PITY, HOW ARE YOU?

I'M FINE,

YOU PRESUMPTUOUS COTTONHEAD.

HOW WAS THIS TRIP, WONDERFUL?

THE TRIP WAS FABULOUS.

I WROTE 2 PLAYS, A REVIEW,

AND AN OPERETTA--

ALL OF THEM SO BRILLIANT THAT THEY FRIGHTEN ME.

HOW CAN ONE MAN POSSIBLY BE AS CLEVER AS I AM?

IT'S ONE OF THE MYSTERIES

OF THE UNIVERSE.

BEVERLY, A VERY DEAR FRIEND OF YOURS

IS VISITING US--

THE LANGUOROUS LORRAINE.

OH, MISS SHELDON. YES. DEAR GIRL.

THEY DO SAY SHE SET FIRE TO HER MOTHER,

BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

DID YOU SEE MY WONDERFUL BANJO

WHEN YOU WERE IN HOLLYWOOD?

I DID, AND HE GAVE A DINNER FOR ME.

I ARRIVED IN WHITE TIE AND TAILS

TO BE MET AT THE ENTRANCE BY 2 BEWIGGED BUTLERS,

WHO VERY QUIETLY PROCEEDED TO TAKE OFF MY TROUSERS.

I WAS THEN USHERED IN MY LEMON SILK SHORTS

INTO THE ROOM, WHERE THERE WAS

NORMA SHEARER, CLAUDETTE COLBERT,

AND MANY, MANY OTHERS. HA HA HA!

DEAR, INCOMPARABLE BANJO.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT SUMMER ON THE RIVIERA

WHEN BANJO PUT A MICROPHONE

IN LORRAINE'S CABANA AND THEN PLAYED

THE RECORD THE NEXT DAY AT LUNCH.

I REMEMBER VERY WELL.

AND SHE LEFT BY THE VERY NEXT BOAT.

I WISH BANJO WERE HERE NOW.

OH, MY POOR, SWEET, LITTLE MAGPIE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

IS LORRAINE BEING HER DEAR, SWEET,

SICK-MAKING LITTLE SELF?

YOU WOULDN'T TAKE HER AWAY WITH YOU,

WOULD YOU, BEVERLY? JUST FOR ME?

NOW, LORRAINE IS A CHARMING PERSON

WHO HAS GALLANTLY GIVEN UP

HER CHRISTMAS TO SPEND IT WITH ME.

I KNEW I HAD A LITTLE BIT OF DIRT.

OH, MR. WHITESIDE?

WHAT? OH, NO.

I'M VERY BUSY NOW. GO AWAY!

OH, THAT'S ALRIGHT. I'LL WAIT.

YOU KIDNAP SOMEONE, SHERRY?

NO. THAT WAS SUPERMAN.

NOW, COME ON. IS THIS SOMETHING JUICY?

JUICY AS A POMEGRANATE.

IT'S THE LATEST REPORT FROM PALM BEACH

ON THE WINTER MANEUVERS OF LORRAINE SHELDON

AGAINST THE LEFT FLANK,

OR RATHER, ALL FLANKS OF LORD CEDRIC BOTTOMLY.

LISTEN. "LORRAINE ARRIVED HERE IN NOVEMBER

"IN A CLOUD OF CHANEL NO. 5.

"SINCE THEN,

"IN HER RELENTLESS PURSUIT OF OLD CEDRIC,

"SHE HAS PAUSED ONLY TO CHANGE GIRDLES

"AND CHECK HER OIL.

"SHE HAS CHASED HIM, PANTING,

"FROM BEACH HOUSE TO BEACH HOUSE,

"UNTIL HE FINALLY TOOK REFUGE FOR SEVERAL WEEKENDS

"IN THE MEN'S LOCKER ROOMS OF THE TURF AND JOCKEY CLUB.

"CEDRIC IS HIDING IN CAROLINA AT THE MOMENT,

"BUT LORRAINE WOULD FLY TO HIM IN A STRATOLINER

IF HE SO MUCH AS SNEEZED IN HER DIRECTION."

HAVE YOU MET OUR LITTLE CEDRIC, MAGGIE?

Maggie: NO, I HAVEN'T.

"NOT VERY GOOD SHOOTIN' TODAY, B-BLAST IT.

"ONLY S-SIX PHEASANT,

F-FOUR DUCK, AND MY C-COUSIN ARCHIE."

THAT'S BOTTOMLY TO HIS VERY FINGERTIPS.

HA HA HA! BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

NOBODY COULD BE LIKE THAT.

IT'S SO GOOD, IT'S UNCANNY.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RACE RIGHT OUT OF HERE?

I NEVER SEE ENOUGH OF YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL MOPPET.

SHERRY, ALL I CAN TELL YOU

IS THAT MY ESTEEM FOR YOU IS SO GREAT

THAT I CHANGED TRAINS IN CHICAGO

JUST TO SPEND 10 MINUTES WITH YOU

AND WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS, MY LAD.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

AND YOU, MY LITTLE MAGPIE.

BEVERLY, DEAR.

GOOD EVENING.

YOU'LL FIND MR. WHITESIDE IN THE LIVING ROOM.

THANK YOU. COME, BOYS.

HELLO, MR. WHITESIDE.

HELLO! COME IN, WESCOTT.

AH, THE AIRWAVES.

I SHAN'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU, THANK HEAVEN.

I SHALL BE ON THE TRAIN.

MR. WESCOTT, WILL YOU GO IN THE LIBRARY?

JOHN, WILL YOU HELP THE MEN?

YES, MISS CUTLER.

RIGHT THIS WAY, GENTLEMEN.

COME ON, SHERRY. SAY GOOD-BYE.

OH, STOP THIS NONSENSE, MAGGIE!

AU REVOIR, MY FABULOUS CREAM PUFF.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I WANT TO TALK TO BEVERLY.

YOU CAN KISS BEVERLY IN MACY'S WINDOW ON JULY 4.

I WILL NOT BE RUSHED OUT OF THIS ROOM

LIKE A BABY THAT HAS TO HAVE ITS THINGAMABOBS CHANGED.

WELL!

BEV, I WANT ONE MINUTE OF YOUR TIME.

I'VE GOTTA HAVE IT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I'M IN GREAT TROUBLE.

WHAT IS IT, MAGGIE?

I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE.

NO! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE,

I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE.

I CAN'T TELL YOU NOW. THERE ISN'T TIME.

BUT SHERRY'S TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

THE OLD FLOUNDER. WHAT'S HE DOING?

HE'S BROUGHT LORRAINE HERE TO SMASH IT UP.

IT'S SOMEBODY HERE IN THIS TOWN?

YES. HE'S A NEWSPAPERMAN.

YOU'LL SEE HIM AT THE STATION.

YOU SEE, HE'S WRITTEN A PLAY,

AND SHERRY IS USING THAT AS BAIT.

LORRAINE WILL EAT HIM ALIVE. YOU'VE GOTTA HELP.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

LORRAINE'S COMING BACK HERE

I THOUGHT PERHAPS THAT YOU'D

F-F-F-F ST-ST-ST-ST...

HA HA HA!

DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD, MAGGIE.

AND I SHALL LOVE IT.

I SHALL ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT.

WHAT'S MORE, IT CROSSES UP SHERRY AND LORRAINE

AT THE SAME TIME.

OOH HOO HOO! IT'S PURE HEAVEN.

I ADORE IT. I MUST FLY. QUICK!

OH, BEVERLY, YOU'RE WONDERFUL!

I KNOW I AM.

COME TO MY HOUSE FOR YOUR HONEYMOON.

WE'LL NAME THE FIRST BABY BEVERLY.

DARLING, I LOVE YOU!

DON'T SPARE THE HORSES, MY MAN.

A WOMAN'S HONOR IS AT STAKE.

[PENGUIN SQUAWKING]

THERE YOU ARE, MY PRETTY! THERE.

HOLLYWOOD CALLING YOU, MR. WHITESIDE.

OH, THANK YOU, JOHN.

HELLO?

BANJO! HELLO, BANJO, OLD BOY.

HOW ARE YOU, YOU FEEBLE-MINDED ACTOR?

HELLO, WHITESIDE! HOW'S TRICKS?

I HEAR YOU BROKE YOUR HIP

CHASING A BLONDE. HA HA HA!

NO, NO. MY BUSTLE'S FINE. COULDN'T BE BETTER.

MAGGIE? WELL, SHE'S LOST HER MIND TEMPORARILY,

BUT I'M FIXING THAT.

LISTEN, BANJO. DID YOU REVERSE THE CHARGES?

YOU DIDN'T? WELL, CALL THE OPERATOR

AND TELL HER TO DO IT.

JUST A LITTLE CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO YOU FROM MY HOST.

WELL, I CAN'T WASTE MY TIME

TALKING TO A LOT OF HOLLYWOOD RIFFRAFF.

JUST GET ON A PLANE RIGHT AWAY.

I'LL THINK IT OVER. I, UH--

HELLO, BANJO? IF I KNOW BANJO,

WE WERE CUT OFF BY A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO

BEFORE THE BROADCAST, MISS CUTLER?

NO, JOHN, THANK YOU.

IT ISN'T TELEVISION, THANK HEAVEN.

THEY ONLY HEAR HIS LIQUID VOICE.

HE'S REALLY WONDERFUL, ISN'T HE?

THE THINGS HE FINDS TIME TO DO.

YES. HE CERTAINLY STICKS HIS NOSE INTO EVERYTHING.

John: GOOD EVENING, MISS SHELDON.

Lorraine: GOOD EVENING, JOHN.

HELLO, DEAR. WHERE'S SHERRY?

INSIDE, WORKING.

OH?

HE'S ON THE AIR VERY SOON.

OH, OF COURSE.

THAT'S QUITE A GETUP YOU HAVE ON, LORRAINE.

THIS? OH, I JUST THREW ON ANYTHING AT ALL.

AREN'T YOU DRESSING FOR DINNER?

NO. JUST WHAT MEETS THE EYE.

WHO DOES YOUR HAIR, MAGGIE?

A LITTLE FRENCH WOMAN NAMED MAGGIE CUTLER

COMES IN EVERY MORNING.

YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME I SEE YOU,

I KEEP THINKING YOUR HAIR COULD BE SO LOVELY.

I ALWAYS WANT TO GET MY HANDS ON IT.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GET MINE

ON YOURS, LORRAINE.

WHAT, DEAR?

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

HOW LONG WILL SHERRY BE IN THERE?

NOT LONG.

LORRAINE, DID YOU KNOW THAT MR. JEFFERSON

HAS WRITTEN QUITE A GOOD PLAY?

THE YOUNG MAN WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOTEL THIS MORNING.

OH, REALLY? NO, I DIDN'T. ISN'T THAT INTERESTING?

YES, ISN'T IT?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

HELLO?

[NO AUDIO]

YES. YES. MISS LORRAINE SHELDON?

SHE'S HERE, YES. JUST A MINUTE.

A LONG-DISTANCE CALL FOR YOU, LORRAINE.

LONG DISTANCE FOR ME? HERE?

WHY, WHAT IN THE WORLD?

IT'S SOUTH CAROLINA.

OH! SOUTH CAROLINA.

HELLO? HELLO? CEDRIC?

OH, WHY, CEDRIC! WHY, WHAT A SURPRISE.

WELL, HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS HERE?

LORRAINE, MY SWEET, I WAS--I WAS SO UPSET TO RETURN

A-A-AND FIND YOU GONE.

I WAS DEVASTATED.

ABSOLUTELY D-D-D-DEVASTATED.

I--I SIMPLY HAD TO CALL YOU AND C-C-C--I LOVE YOU.

WHAT?

DARLING, DON'T TALK SO FAST,

AND YOU WON'T STUTTER SO.

YES. YES, THAT'S BETTER.

YES. NOW I CAN HEAR YOU VERY CLEARLY.

IT'S AS THOUGH YOU WERE JUST AROUND THE CORNER.

I SEE.

I SAID I SIMPLY HAD TO CALL YOU

AND T-T-TELL YOU HOW MUCH I L-L-L-L-LO--I ADORE YOU.

WHAT?! OH, DARLING, I--

CEDRIC, WILL YOU WAIT JUST A MOMENT, PLEASE?

MAGGIE, DO YOU MIND?

LORD BOTTOMLY-- A VERY PERSONAL CALL.

DO YOU MIND?

NOT AT ALL.

YES, MY DEAREST, NOW TELL ME.

[NO AUDIO]

CEDRIC, PLEASE DON'T STUTTER SO!

DON'T BE NERVOUS!

LORRAINE, MY SWEET,

I--I GOT IN TOUCH WITH M-M-M-MATER,

AND SHE'S GIVEN HER C-CONSENT TO OUR B-BETROTHAL.

LORRAINE, MY DARLING,

WILL YOU M-M-MA-MA-MA-- WILL YOU BE MY WIFE?

OH, DARLING, YES! A THOUSAND TIMES, YES!

OH, MY DARLING. OH, MY SWEET,

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I'VE PRAYED FOR THIS EVERY NIGHT.

I'LL TAKE A PLANE RIGHT OUT OF HERE. WHAT?

[NO AUDIO]

CEDRIC, PLEASE DON'T STUTTER SO!

YES, AND I LOVE YOU, MY DARLING...

OH, SO MUCH!

OH, MY SWEET, YES, I WILL.

I'LL BE THINKING OF YOU EVERY MOMENT.

YOU'VE MADE ME THE HAPPIEST GIRL

IN THE WORLD.

GOOD-BYE. GOOD-BYE, DARLING. GOOD-BYE.

SHERRY? SHERRY!

SHERRY, DARLING, I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO TELL YOU.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!

THE MOST WONDERFUL THING HAS HAPPENED.

CEDRIC JUST CALLED FROM SOUTH CAROLINA.

HE'S ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM.

WHAT?

Lorraine: THINK OF IT!

I MUST CATCH THE NEXT PLANE.

MAY I COME IN NOW, LORRAINE?

OH, MAGGIE, DARLING,

CAN I GET A PLANE OUT OF HERE?

THE MOST WONDERFUL THING IN THE WORLD'S HAPPENED.

LORD BOTTOMLY'S ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM. MAGGIE!

REALLY? WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

I'M SO EXCITED I CAN HARDLY THINK.

YOU MUST HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE.

I'D BE DELIGHTED TO.

CAN YOU LOOK UP THINGS RIGHT AWAY?

YES. I HAVE TIMETABLE OVER HERE.

AND IF YOU CAN'T CATCH A PLANE OUT OF HERE,

I'LL DRIVE YOU TO CLEVELAND.

MAGGIE, YOU'RE WONDERFUL! SHERRY!

SHERRY, DARLING, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU HAVEN'T SAID A WORD.

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN CONGRATULATED ME.

LET ME UNDERSTAND THIS, LORRAINE.

AM I TO GATHER FROM YOUR GIRLISH SQUEALS

THAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO TOSS YOUR CAREER INTO THE ASHCAN?

WELL, SHERRY, YOU COULDN'T EXPECT--

DON'T EXPLAIN, LORRAINE. I UNDERSTAND ONLY TOO WELL.

I ALSO UNDERSTAND WHY CORNELL

REMAINS THE FIRST ACTRESS OF OUR THEATER.

WE'RE IN LUCK.

THERE'S A PLANE OUT OF CLEVELAND AT 10:03.

IT TAKES AN HOUR TO DRIVE OVER.

ISN'T EVERYTHING WORKING OUT BEAUTIFULLY?

PEACHY!

WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE HOTEL?

I WANNA GET MY MAID TO START PACKING.

THE MANSION HOUSE.

MANSION HOUSE, PLEASE.

OH, IT'S SNOWING. ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?

I NEVER FELT SO MUCH LIKE CHRISTMAS

IN ALL MY LIFE.

DON'T YOU, SHERRY, DEAR?

SHUT YOUR NASTY LITTLE FACE!

HELLO? HELLO? THIS IS MISS SHELDON.

PUT ME THROUGH TO MY MAID, PLEASE.

COSETTE? NOW, LISTEN CAREFULLY, COSETTE.

WE'RE LEAVING BY PLANE TONIGHT FOR SOUTH CAROLINA.

I WANT YOU TO START PACKING IMMEDIATELY,

I'LL CALL FOR YOU IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

I WANT YOU TO SEND SOME TELEGRAMS FOR ME.

HAVE YOU GOT A PENCIL? RIGHT. NOW, THE FIRST ONE GOES

TO THE DUCHESS OF SOUTHERLAND. SHE'S IN NEWPORT.

YOU'LL FIND ALL THESE ADDRESSES IN THE BOOK.

IT'S IN MY DRESSING CASE. ALL READY?

"DARLING, CEDRIC AND I

"ARE BEING MARRIED TOMORROW, SOUTH CAROLINA.

WANTED YOU TO BE THE FIRST TO KNOW. LOVE, LORRAINE."

OH, MADAME, I AM SO HAPPY! AT LAST YOU HAVE HOOKED HIM.

THANK YOU, COSETTE. THANK YOU.

I WANT YOU TO SEND THE SAME MESSAGE

TO MR. AND MRS. PERRY LIVINGSTON,

MRS. CORNELIUS VANDERBILT, AND MY MOTHER IN KANSAS CITY.

NOW I'LL SEND A WIRE TO TIFFANY'S, NEW YORK:

"CAN YOU BRING TO SOUTH CAROLINA THE TRIPLE STRING OF PEARLS

I PICKED OUT IN OCTOBER? LORRAINE SHELDON."

NOW, HAVE YOU GOT ALL THAT STRAIGHT, COSETTE?

THAT'S FINE. OH, YOU MUST HURRY, DEAR.

I'LL BE THERE IN ABOUT AN HOUR, AND YOU MUSTN'T BE LATE.

ALRIGHT. GOOD-BYE.

THANK GOODNESS FOR COSETTE. I'D DIE WITHOUT HER.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT AN HOUR AGO

I'D BE ON MY WAY TO SOUTH CAROLINA?

LIFE IS JUST FULL OF SURPRISES, ISN'T IT?

WILL YOU BOTH STOP THIS FEMALE DROOLING?

I HAVE A VIOLENT HEADACHE.

OH, SHERRY. CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?

NOW, LOOK HERE, SHERRY.

AFTER ALL, MY LIFE IS MY OWN.

GOOD EVENING, MR. JEFFERSON.

HELLO, JOHN.

HELLO, EVERYBODY.

SAY, DO YOU KNOW IT'S SNOWING OUT?

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A REAL OLD-FASHIONED CHRISTMAS.

WHY DON'T YOU TELEPHONE YOUR SCOOP

TO THE ASSOCIATED PRESS?!

HA HA HA!

MISS SHELDON HAS TO CATCH A PLANE FROM CLEVELAND.

SHALL WE DRIVE HER OVER?

WHY, CERTAINLY. OH, THANKS, MAGGIE.

SORRY YOU HAVE TO GO, MISS SHELDON.

NO BAD NEWS, I HOPE.

OH, ON THE CONTRARY,

VERY GOOD NEWS-- WONDERFUL NEWS!

Maggie: YES, INDEED. CALLS FOR A DRINK, I THINK.

YOU'RE NOT A VERY GOOD HOST. HOW ABOUT A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE?

Bert: OH, I CAN DO BETTER.

LET ME MIX YOU A JEFFERSON SPECIAL.

HOW ABOUT IT, MR. WHITESIDE?

OH, YES, YES, YES, YES!

MIX ANYTHING, ONLY STOP DRIVELING!

ANYBODY ADMIRED MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT YET, MAGGIE?

OH, I FORGOT.

FROM MR. JEFFERSON TO ME.

OH, MAGGIE, LET ME SEE!

WHY, THAT'S CHARMING.

THAT'S A LOVELY CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

ISN'T THAT SWEET, SHERRY?

DUCKY!

HA HA HA!

I TOLD YOU IT WAS BEAUTIFUL, BERTSIE.

WHAT'S GOING ON BETWEEN YOU TWO?

MAGGIE, ARE YOU HIDING SOMETHING FROM US?

GREAT HEAVENS! WILL THIS DRIVEL NEVER STOP?

MY HEAD IS BURSTING!

MY JEFFERSON SPECIAL WILL CURE ANYTHING.

BY THE WAY, MAGGIE,

I GOT A ONE-MINUTE INTERVIEW

WITH BEVERLY CARLTON AT THE STATION.

YOU WERE RIGHT. HE'S QUITE SOMETHING!

GO AHEAD AND MIX THE DRINKS, WILL YOU?

I WAS LUCKY. HE WAS IN A TELEPHONE BOOTH MOSTLY.

MIX THE DRINKS, WILL YOU?

COULDN'T HEAR WHAT HE WAS SAYING,

BUT IT LOOKED LIKE A SCENE FROM ONE OF HIS PLAYS.

JUST A MOMENT, IF YOU PLEASE, MR. JEFFERSON.

MR. CARLTON WAS IN A TELEPHONE BOOTH

AT THE STATION?

I THOUGHT HE'D NEVER COME OUT.

KEPT TALKING AND MAKING

THE DARNDEST FACES FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES.

AH, BERT, MY BOY,

I FEEL I'M GONNA LOVE THE JEFFERSON SPECIAL.

MAKE ME A DOUBLE ONE, WILL YOU?

MY HEADACHE IS GONE WITH THE WIND.

OKAY!

PHILO VANCE IS NOW AT WORK.

OPERATOR? HAVE THERE BEEN ANY CALLS OVER THIS PHONE

FROM SOUTH CAROLINA

DURING THE PAST HALF-HOUR?

YES, I'LL WAIT.

SHERRY, WHAT IS ALL THIS?

SHH!

WHAT'S THAT?

THERE HAVE BEEN NO CALLS

FROM SOUTH CAROLINA AT ANY TIME?

THANK YOU. NOW, WILL YOU REPEAT THAT, PLEASE?

BLOSSOM GIRL...

HEAR IT, DEAR?

THANK YOU, OPERATOR, AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!

SHERRY, WHAT IS ALL THIS? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

YOU JUST PLAYED THE GREATEST LOVE SCENE OF YOUR CAREER

WITH YOUR OLD FRIEND BEVERLY CARLTON.

THAT'S NOT TRUE. I WAS TALKING TO CEDRIC!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

MY BLOSSOM, THAT WAS BEVERLY

YOU POURED OUT YOUR HEART TO, NOT LORD BOTTOMLY!

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT 5 MINUTES AGO

THAT YOU WOULD NOT BE GOING TO SOUTH CAROLINA?

SHERRY, I WANT THIS EXPLAINED!

EXPLAINED? YOU'VE HEARD BEVERLY

IMITATE LORD BOTTOMLY BEFORE, HAVEN'T YOU?

WHY, YES, YES, OF COURSE, BUT WHY?

WHY IN THE WORLD

WOULD HE WANT TO DO SUCH A THING?

WHY, THIS IS THE MOST DREADFUL--

OH! ALL THOSE TELEGRAMS!

GIVE ME THE HOTEL WHATEVER-IT'S-CALLED.

I WANT THE HOTEL!

THE RAT! I'LL PAY HIM BACK FOR THIS

IF IT'S THE LAST THING--

WHY, THE SKUNK! THE DIRTY, ROTTEN--MANSION HOUSE?

CONNECT ME WITH MY MAID.

WHAT?! WHO THE DEVIL DO YOU THINK IT IS?

MISS SHELDON, OF COURSE!

OH, IF ONLY COSETTE HASN'T SENT THOSE--

COSETTE--COSETTE, DID YOU SEND THOSE TELEGRAMS?

OH. OH, NOW, LISTEN, COSETTE.

I WANT YOU TO SEND ANOTHER TELEGRAM TO EVERY ONE OF THEM.

TELL THEM SOMEBODY'S BEEN USING MY NAME

AND TO DISREGARD ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING

THEY HEAR FROM ME, EXCEPT THIS, OF COURSE!

DON'T ASK QUESTIONS. DO AS YOU'RE TOLD!

DON'T ARGUE WITH ME, YOU FRENCH MORON!

DO AS YOU'RE TOLD AND UNPACK! WE'RE NOT GOING!

Sherry: BLOSSOM, TAKE IT EASY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I'M GOING TO BE THE LAUGHING STOCK OF NEW YORK.

I ALWAYS KNEW BEVERLY CARLTON WAS LOW,

BUT NOT THIS LOW!

WHY? WHY? WHY WOULD ANYONE IN THE WORLD

WANT TO PLAY A SILLY TRICK LIKE THIS?

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT!

DO YOU, SHERRY? DO YOU, MAGGIE?

WHY WOULD HE WALK OUT OF HERE, GO STRAIGHT TO A TELEPHONE BOOTH

TRY AND SEND ME TO SOUTH CAROLINA ON A FOOL'S ERRAND?

THERE MUST BE SOME REASON!

WHY WOULD BEVERLY CARLTON,

OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER,

WANT ME TO--

OH! I THINK I BEGIN--

OF COURSE! OF COURSE! THAT'S IT!

YES, AND THAT'S A VERY CHARMING BRACELET

MR. JEFFERSON GAVE YOU.

ISN'T IT, MAGGIE, MY DEAR?

IT MAKES COMPLETE SENSE NOW.

AND TO THINK THAT I NEARLY--

WELL, WILD HORSES COULDN'T GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW, MAGGIE.

AND IF I WERE YOU, I'D HANG ON

TO THAT CHARMING BRACELET, MY DEAR.

IT'LL BE SOMETHING TO REMEMBER HIM BY.

ALRIGHT, MR. WHITESIDE. IT'S ALMOST TIME.

HOOK HIM UP, BOYS, AND START TESTING, WILL YOU?

HELP US MOVE THIS FURNITURE OUT OF THE WAY.

HERE'S THE NEW SCRIPT.

COME, DAISY.

Man: TESTING. 1, 2, 3, 4.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB.

1, 2, 3, 4. MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB.

HERE COMES THE JEFFERSON SPECIAL.

- OH, HAVE WE TIME? - I'M SURE WE DO, MR. JEFFERSON.

I'M NOT LEAVING AFTER ALL. MY PLANS ARE CHANGED.

REALLY? OH, THAT'S GOOD.

AND YOU CAN READ THE PLAY TO ME TONIGHT.

WE'LL GO BACK TO THE MANSION HOUSE RIGHT AFTER DINNER.

I'D BE DELIGHTED. MAGGIE, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

SAY, I'LL BET YOU DID THIS. YOU ARRANGED THE WHOLE THING.

WELL, IT'S THE FINEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT YOU COULD'VE GIVEN ME.

MAGGIE! MAGGIE!

[DOOR SLAMS]

- MR. WHITESIDE. - I DON'T NEED IT.

MY SON HAS RUN OFF ON A FREIGHTER,

AND MY DAUGHTER IS MARRYING A UNITER!

OH, I SEE YOU'RE STILL BUSY.

STAND BACK FROM THE MICROPHONE!

LET MR. WHITESIDE BROADCAST, PLEASE.

[PENGUINS SQUAWKING]

Wescott: GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE.

WE'RE GOING ON AIR!

ALRIGHT, BOYS. STEP RIGHT THIS WAY.

WE'LL USE THE MICROPHONE OVER HERE.

SNAP INTO IT, FELLAS. SNAP INTO IT!

OKAY, NEW YORK.

Wescott: CREAM OF MUSH

BRINGS YOU SHERIDAN WHITESIDE.

♪ SILENT NIGHT... ♪

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

A PENGUIN BIT ME.

♪ ALL IS CALM... ♪

THIS IS WHITESIDE SPEAKING.

ON THIS EVE OF EVES,

WHEN MY OWN HEART IS OVERFLOWING WITH PEACE AND KINDNESS,

I THINK IT'S MOST FITTING TO TELL, ONCE AGAIN,

THE STORY OF THAT STILL AND LUSTROUS NIGHT.

A FINE CHRISTMAS MORNING--

MRS. STANLEY UP THERE CRYING IN HER ROOM,

MR. STANLEY OFF IN CHICAGO SOMEPLACE.

YOU THINK HE'LL CATCH THEM IN TIME TO STOP THE MARRIAGE?

I DON'T KNOW, SARAH.

NOBODY KNOWS WHERE MR. RICHARD WENT.

EVEN MR. WHITESIDE NEAR BIT MY HEAD OFF THIS MORNING

WHEN I ASKED IF HE WANTED BREAKFAST.

MISS CUTLER DIDN'T TAKE ANY BREAKFAST, EITHER.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH EVERYBODY?

GOOD MORNING, MR. WHITESIDE. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MR. WHITESIDE.

OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS, JOHN, SARAH.

- HAS MISS CUTLER COME DOWN YET? - NO, SIR. NOT YET.

- SHE'S STILL IN HER ROOM?

YES, SIR. SHALL I CALL HER?

- NO. THANK YOU, JOHN. - YES, SIR.

YOU DON'T THINK IT'S ALL GOT SOMETHING TO DO

WITH MR. WHITESIDE, DO YOU? ALL THESE GOINGS-ON?

MR. WHITESIDE? A LOVELY MAN LIKE HIM? NO!

YOU CAN DROP THAT GUILTY EXPRESSION, SHERRY.

IT'S NOT A GUILTY EXPRESSION.

IT'S SIMPLY THAT I HAVEN'T HAD MY BREAKFAST YET.

NOW, MAGGIE, IF YOU'D ONLY LISTEN TO REASON--

I'M TAKING THE 1:00 TRAIN. I'M LEAVING.

YOU'RE DOING NOTHING OF THE KIND.

HERE ARE YOUR KEYS, YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE.

THE KEY TO THE SAFETY VAULT IS IN YOUR APARTMENT IN NEW YORK.

- I'M GOING TO CLEAR THINGS UP. - NOW JUST A MOMENT, SARAH.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?

I SAT UP HALF THE NIGHT WORRYING ABOUT YOU.

YOU HEARD ME CALLING TO YOU WHEN YOU CAME IN.

WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER ME?

LOOK, IT'S ALL OVER, AND YOU WON.

- I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. - OH? COME, COME, COME, COME.

ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A NAUGHTY BOY?

HONESTLY, MAGGIE, SOMETIMES YOU CAN BE VERY ANNOYING.

SHERRY, YOU'RE QUITE WONDERFUL IN A WAY.

YOU'RE ANNOYED.

I WISH I HAD A LAUGH LEFT IN ME.

SHALL I TELL YOU SOMETHING, SHERRY?

I THINK YOU'RE A SELFISH, PETTY EGOMANIAC

WHO WOULD JUST AS SOON SEE HIS MOTHER BURNING AT A STAKE IF--

WELL, IF THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY HE HAD OF LIGHTING A CIGARETTE.

I THINK YOU'D SACRIFICE YOUR BEST FRIEND

WITHOUT A MOMENT'S HESITATION

IF HE INTERRUPTED THE SACRED RITUAL

OF YOUR SELF-CENTERED, PALTRY LITTLE LIFE.

I THINK YOU'RE INCAPABLE

OF ANY EMOTION HIGHER UP THAN YOUR STOMACH,

AND I WAS THE FOOL OF THE WORLD FOR EVER TRUSTING YOU.

WELL.

AS LONG AS I LIVE,

I'LL NEVER DO ANYONE A GOOD TURN AGAIN.

I SHAN'T ASK YOU TO APOLOGIZE, MAGGIE, BUT 6 MONTHS FROM NOW,

YOU'LL BE THANKING ME INSTEAD OF BERATING ME.

SHERRY, IN 6 MONTHS' TIME,

I'LL BE SO FAR AWAY FROM YOU THAT--

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DRUNKENLY] HELLO, HELLO!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I'M A LITTLE HIGH, BUT I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

HIYA, MAGGIE. HIYA, MR. WHITESIDE.

SHAKE HANDS WITH A SUCCESSFUL PLAYWRIGHT.

MAGGIE, WHY DID YOU RUN AWAY LAST NIGHT? WHERE WERE YOU?

MISS SHELDON THINKS THE PLAY IS WONDERFUL.

I READ HER THE PLAY, AND SHE THINKS IT'S WONDERFUL.

ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?

THAT'S FINE, BERT.

ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL, MR. WHITESIDE?

JEFFERSON, I THINK YOU OUGHT TO GO HOME, DON'T YOU?

WHAT? NO! BIGGEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

I KNOW I'M A LITTLE DRUNK, BUT THIS IS A BIG DAY.

WE'VE BEEN SITTING OVER IN BILLY'S TAVERN ALL NIGHT LONG.

MAGGIE, MISS SHELDON THINKS THE PLAY NEEDS A LITTLE FIXING.

DO IT IN 3 WEEKS. WE'RE GOING TO A PLACE

SHE'S GOT IN LAKE PLACID TO WORK ON THE PLAY TOGETHER.

ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL? WHY DON'T YOU SAY SOMETHING, MAGGIE?

NOW, BERT, YOU TELL US ALL ABOUT THIS LATER.

RIGHT NOW, YOU OUGHT TO GO HOME.

EXCUSE ME. MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I THOUGHT THAT PERHAPS--

DR. BRADLEY, A FAVOR, PLEASE. MR. JEFFERSON WOULD LIKE

SOME BLACK COFFEE AND A LITTLE BREAKFAST.

WOULD YOU TAKE CARE OF HIM, PLEASE?

- YES, YES, OF COURSE. - I WANNA BUY IT FOR YOU--

THE BIGGEST BREAKFAST YOU EVER HAD.

- I KNOW WHAT WE'LL DO, DOCTOR. - YES, COME ALONG, JEFFERSON.

LET'S CLIMB DOWN A COUPLE OF CHIMNEYS.

I'VE GOT A FRIEND THAT DOESN'T BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS.

LET'S CLIMB DOWN HIS CHIMNEY AND SCARE THE PANTS OFF OF HIM.

NOW, LOOK HERE, MAGGIE,

I'M WILLING TO FORGIVE YOUR TAWDRY OUTBURST

AND TALK ABOUT THIS CALMLY.

OH, SHERRY, I LOVE HIM SO TERRIBLY.

WHY DID YOU DO IT? WHY DID YOU DO IT?

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MR. WHITESIDE.

OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS, MISS STANLEY.

I'M AFRAID I SHOULDN'T BE SEEN TALKING TO YOU.

MY BROTHER IS TERRIBLY ANGRY,

BUT I COULDN'T RESIST ASKING.

DID YOU LIKE MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT?

OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, MISS STANLEY.

I HAVEN'T OPENED IT YET.

WELL, I HAVEN'T OPENED ANY OF MY PRESENTS YET.

OH, DEAR. I WAS SO ANXIOUS TO...

WHY, IT'S RIGHT HERE, MR. WHITESIDE.

WON'T YOU OPEN IT NOW?

I APPRECIATE THAT YOU'RE THINKING OF ME

THIS WAY, MISS STANLEY.

IT WAS VERY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.

WHY, IT'S LOVELY.

I'M VERY FOND OF THESE OLD...

PHOTOGRAPHS. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I WAS 22 WHEN THAT WAS TAKEN.

THAT WAS MY FAVORITE DRESS...

BUT DO YOU REALLY LIKE IT?

I DO INDEED. WHEN I GET BACK TO TOWN,

I SHALL SEND YOU A LITTLE GIFT.

WILL YOU? OH, THANK YOU, MR. WHITESIDE.

I SHALL TREASURE IT.

WELL...

I SHALL BE LATE FOR CHURCH.

GOODBYE.

GOODBYE.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

SARAH'S GOT A LITTLE SURPRISE FOR YOU, MR. WHITESIDE.

SHE'S JUST TAKING IT OUT OF THE OVEN.

Whiteside: OH, THANK YOU, JOHN.

WHAT IS THERE ABOUT THAT WOMAN?

[DOORBELL RINGING]

MISS PREEN!

MISS PREEN!

YES, SIR. YES, SIR!

MISS PREEN, WHERE DO YOU HIDE YOURSELF ALL THE TIME?

MR. WHITESIDE, I CAN ONLY BE IN ONE PLACE AT A TIME.

WELL, THAT'S VERY FORTUNATE FOR THIS COMMUNITY.

NOW, GO AND ANSWER THE DOOR. JOHN'S GONE UPSTAIRS.

GO ON!

[DOORBELL RINGING]

AH, MY BEAUTIFUL ONE!

YOU'RE GORGEOUS! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!

- PUT ME DOWN! - I LOVE YOU MADLY!

PUT ME DOWN, DO YOU HEAR?

MADLY! YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? MADLY! KISS ME!

DON'T YOU DARE KISS ME! PUT ME DOWN, OR I'LL SCREAM!

DON'T BE AFRAID OF MY HOT SPANISH BLOOD!

KISS ME! I CAN FEEL THE HOT BLOOD

POUNDING THROUGH YOUR VARICOSE VEINS!

- BANJO! - WHITESIDE!

WILL YOU SIGN FOR THIS PACKAGE, PLEASE?

PUT THAT WOMAN DOWN.

THAT'S MY NURSE, YOU MENTAL DELINQUENT.

COME TO MY ROOM IN A HALF-HOUR...

AND BRING SOME RYE BREAD.

AAH!

HA HA HA!

REALLY!

MR. WHITESIDE!

HA HA HA!

WHITESIDE, I'M HERE TO SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH YOU!

I THINK...

I MAY STAY A MONTH...

OR I MAY LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.

I DON'T KNOW. THINGS ARE SO UNCERTAIN.

[PLAYING PIANO]

♪ DID YOU EVER HAVE THE FEELING THAT YOU WANTED TO GO ♪

♪ AND STILL HAVE THE FEELING THAT YOU WANTED TO STAY? ♪

♪ YOU KNEW IT WAS RIGHT, WASN'T WRONG ♪

♪ STILL YOU KNEW YOU WOULDN'T BE VERY LONG ♪

♪ IT'S TOUGH TO HAVE THE FEELING THAT YOU WANTED TO GO ♪

♪ STILL HAVE THE FEELING THAT YOU WANTED TO STAY ♪

♪ START TO GO, CHANGE YOUR MIND ♪

♪ START TO GO AGAIN, BUT CHANGE YOUR MIND AGAIN ♪

♪ AND STILL HAVE THE FEELING THAT YOU WANTED TO GO ♪

♪ STILL HAVE THE FEELING THAT YOU WANTED TO STAY ♪

♪ DO, RE, MI, FA, SOL, LA, SI, DO ♪

♪ I GO ♪

♪ I'LL STAY-- ♪

OH, WILL YOU SHUT UP, YOU REFORM-SCHOOL FUGITIVE?

HA HA HA!

WHITESIDE, I LOVES YOU. I LOVES YOU.

HOW DID YOU GET HERE, ANYWAY?

SANTA CLAUS LOANED ME HIS REINDEER.

WHITESIDE, WE FINISHED SHOOTING THE PICTURE YESTERDAY,

SO WHAT DID I DO?

I BORROWED A B-19 FROM THE ARMY,

AND I'M ON MY WAY TO NOVA SCOTIA.

OH, SHH.

I'VE BROUGHT YOU A WONDERFUL PRESENT.

THIS SWEATER WAS ONCE WORN BY LANA TURNER.

TRY IT ON FOR SIZE.

HOW LONG CAN YOU STAY?

JUST LONG ENOUGH TO TAKE A BATH.

AHH!

I'M ON MY WAY TO NOVA SCOTIA. WHERE'S MAGGIE?

NOVA SCOTIA? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO NOVA SCOTIA FOR?

I'M SICK OF HOLLYWOOD, AND THERE'S A DAME IN NEW YORK

I DON'T WANT TO SEE, SO I FIGURED I'D GO TO NOVA SCOTIA

AND GET SOME SMOKED SALMON.

NOW, WHERE THE DEVIL'S MAGGIE? I WANT TO SEE HER.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? WHERE IS SHE?

AH, BUMBUMS.

Whiteside: BANJO, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

I'M VERY ANNOYED AT MAGGIE--VERY.

WHY? WHAT'S THE MATTER?

SAY, WHAT IS THIS? I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T WALK.

I'VE BEEN ALRIGHT FOR WEEKS. THAT ISN'T THE POINT.

I'M FURIOUS AT MAGGIE. SHE'S TURNED ON ME.

YOU KNOW HOW FOND I AM OF HER. AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,

SHE'S REPAYING MY AFFECTIONS BY BEHAVING LIKE A FISHWIFE.

IF I BELIEVED THAT SHE WAS REALLY IN LOVE WITH HIM--

IN LOVE WITH WHO? I JUST GOT HERE! REMEMBER?

I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU, YOU HOLLYWOOD NITWIT.

A YOUNG NEWSPAPERMAN HERE IN TOWN.

SO MAGGIE FINALLY FELL.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? SAY, WHAT KIND OF A GUY IS HE?

- SHUT UP AND LISTEN, WILL YOU? - WELL, GO ON. WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, LORRAINE SHELDON HAPPENED TO COME OUT HERE AND VISIT ME.

THE "UMPH" GIRL HERE? WELL--

NOW, LISTEN, THIS YOUNG FELLOW HAD WRITTEN A PLAY.

WELL, YOU CAN GUESS THE REST.

HE'S GOING AWAY WITH LORRAINE THIS AFTERNOON...

TO REWRITE. HMM.

SO THERE YOU ARE. MAGGIE'S IN THERE NOW CRYING HER EYES OUT.

GEE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, LORRAINE SHELDON

HAPPENED TO COME HERE?

I SMELL A RAT, SHERRY-- A RAT WITH A BEARD.

WELL, ALRIGHT, BUT I DID IT FOR MAGGIE

BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS THE RIGHT THING FOR HER.

SURE. YOU HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF YOURSELF IN YEARS.

GEE, POOR KID. CAN I GO IN AND TALK TO HER?

- OH, LEAVE HER ALONE. - SAY, WHERE DOES THIS GUY LIVE?

- CAN WE GET A HOLD OF HIM? - NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, BANJO.

WE DON'T WANT ANY PHONY WARRANTS

OR YOU PRETENDING TO BE J. EDGAR HOOVER.

I'VE BEEN ALL THROUGH THAT WITH YOU BEFORE.

I GOT LORRAINE OUT HERE, AND I'VE GOT TO GET HER AWAY.

IT'S GOT TO BE GOOD, SHERRY.

LORRAINE'S NO DOPE. NOW, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING

THAT'D GET HER OUT OF HERE LIKE A BAT OUT OF--

I GOT IT. THAT ENGLISHMAN SHE'S SO CRAZY ABOUT--

WHAT'S HIS NAME AGAIN?

LORD, UH-- LORD BOTTOMLY!

- THAT'S IT-- BOTTOMLY! - NO, BANJO, NO!

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU DON'T CATCH ON.

WE SEND LORRAINE A TELEGRAM FROM THIS BIRD--

I CATCH ON, BANJO. LORRAINE CAUGHT ON, TOO. IT'S BEEN TRIED.

OH, I TOLD YOU LORRAINE WAS NO DOPE.

WELL, YOU'VE GOT A TOUGH PROPOSITION ON YOUR HANDS.

YES, AND THERE'S SO LITTLE TIME.

LORRAINE'S TAKING HIM AWAY WITH HER THIS AFTERNOON.

THERE MUST BE SOME WAY OUT OF THIS.

OH, I'VE DONE THIS JOB TOO WELL.

STUCK, HUH?

IN THE WORDS OF A GREAT LYRIC POET,

YOU SAID IT.

LISTEN, I'M HUNGRY. DON'T WORRY.

WE'LL THINK OF SOMETHING, SHERRY.

WE'LL GET LORRAINE OUT OF HERE

IF I GOTTA DO IT A PIECE AT A TIME.

[DOOR OPENS]

GET OUT OF MY CHAIR. GO ON. GET.

MR. WHITESIDE-- OH, EXCUSE ME.

COME RIGHT IN, SARAH. IT'S QUITE ALRIGHT.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

YOU HAVE?

BUT, MR. WHITESIDE, IT WAS FOR YOU.

OH, NEVER MIND, SARAH.

HE'S QUITE MAD.

- COME, PETRUSHKA! WE'LL DANCE! - BUT, MR. WHITESIDE--

WE'LL DANCE IN THE SNOW WHILE ALL ST. PETERSBURG

IS AFLAME WITH JEALOUSY!

HA HA HA!

JUST GIVE HIM SOME BREAKFAST, SARAH.

HE'S HARMLESS.

[WHITESIDE LAUGHING]

JUST WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

IT MEANS, MR. WHITESIDE, THAT I AM LEAVING.

MY ADDRESS IS ON THE DESK INSIDE.

YOU CAN SEND ME A CHECK.

YOU REALIZE, MISS PREEN, THIS IS COMPLETELY UNPROFESSIONAL.

I DO INDEED.

I AM NOT ONLY WALKING OUT

ON THIS CASE, MR. WHITESIDE,

I AM LEAVING THE NURSING PROFESSION.

I BECAME A NURSE BECAUSE ALL MY LIFE,

EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,

I WAS FILLED WITH THE IDEA OF SERVING A SUFFERING HUMANITY.

AFTER ONE MONTH WITH YOU, MR. WHITESIDE,

I AM GOING TO WORK IN A MUNITIONS FACTORY.

FROM NOW ON, ANYTHING THAT I CAN DO

TO HELP EXTERMINATE THE HUMAN RACE

WILL FILL ME WITH THE GREATEST OF PLEASURE.

MR. WHITESIDE,

IF FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE HAD EVER NURSED YOU,

SHE WOULD HAVE MARRIED JACK THE RIPPER

INSTEAD OF FOUNDING THE RED CROSS. GOOD DAY.

[WHITESIDE LAUGHING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[MRS. STANLEY SOBBING]

OH, JUNE! JUNE, MY BABY!

MR. STANLEY IS HERE WITH JUNE!

HE'S BROUGHT JUNE BACK!

THANK GOODNESS! THANK GOODNESS!

OH, DARLING, YOU'RE NOT MAD AT HIM, ARE YOU?

NO, MOTHER. DON'T GET HYSTERICAL.

WELL, IF IT HAD BEEN ANYBODY BUT THAT AWFUL BOY--

ERNEST, THANK GOODNESS YOU STOPPED IT.

- HOW EVER DID YOU DO IT? - NEVER MIND THAT, DAISY.

TAKE JUNE UPSTAIRS. I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO HIM.

Mrs. Stanley: WHAT ABOUT RICHARD? ANY NEWS?

IT'S ALRIGHT, DAISY-- ALL UNDER CONTROL.

JUST TAKE JUNE UPSTAIRS.

DON'T YOU THINK WE'VE HAD ENOUGH MELODRAMA?

I DON'T HAVE TO BE TAKEN, I'LL GO. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS, JUNE. - LOCK ME IN MY ROOM.

YOU'LL FEEL MUCH BETTER AFTER YOU'VE HAD A HOT BATH.

HAVE YOU HAD ANYTHING TO EAT?

I'M PLEASED TO INFORM YOU, SIR,

THAT YOUR PLANS FOR MY DAUGHTER

SEEM TO HAVE GONE A TRIFLE AWRY.

SHE IS NOT-- NOR WILL SHE EVER BE--

MARRIED TO THAT LABOR AGITATOR

THAT YOU SO KINDLY PICKED OUT FOR HER.

AS FOR MY SON, HE HAS BEEN APPREHENDED IN TOLEDO

AND WILL BE BROUGHT HOME WITHIN THE HOUR.

NOT HAVING YOUR GIFT FOR INVECTIVE, SIR,

I CANNOT TELL YOU WHAT I THINK

OF YOUR OBNOXIOUS INTERFERENCE IN MY AFFAIRS,

BUT I HAVE ARRANGED

THAT YOU WILL INTERFERE NO LONGER.

MR. WHITESIDE, THESE GENTLEMEN ARE DEPUTY SHERIFFS.

THEY HAVE A WARRANT BY WHICH I WILL BE ENABLED

TO PUT YOU OUT OF THIS HOUSE, AND I NEED HARDLY ADD

THAT IT'LL BE THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

MR. WHITESIDE, I AM GIVING YOU 15 MINUTES

IN WHICH TO PACK UP AND GET OUT.

IF YOU HAVE NOT GONE IN 15 MINUTES,

THESE GENTLEMEN WILL FORCIBLY EJECT YOU.

THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.

WILL YOU WAIT OUTSIDE, PLEASE?

15 MINUTES, MR. WHITESIDE,

AND THAT MEANS BAG, BAGGAGE, WHEELCHAIR,

PENGUINS, AND OCTOPUS!

I AM NOW GOING UPSTAIRS TO SMASH OUR RADIO

SO THAT NOT EVEN ACCIDENTALLY

WILL I EVER HEAR YOUR VOICE AGAIN!

SURE YOU DON'T WANT MY AUTOGRAPH, OLD FELLOW?

15 MINUTES, MR. WHITESIDE.

WELL, WHITESIDE, I DIDN'T GET AN IDEA,

BUT THE FOOD WAS WONDERFUL.

ANY NEWS FROM THE FRONT?

YES. THE ENEMY IS AT MY REAR AND NIBBLING.

WHERE DID YOU SAY MAGGIE WAS--IN THERE?

IT'S NO USE, BANJO. SHE'S TAKING THE 1:00 TRAIN OUT.

NO KIDDING. YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT.

YOU MEAN SHE'S QUIT YOU AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?

- SHE'S REALLY LEAVING? - SHE IS.

THAT MEANS YOU ONLY GOT

TILL 1:00 TO DO SOMETHING.

NO, DEAR, I HAVE 15 MINUTES--14 MINUTES

IN WHICH TO PULL OUT OF MY HAT THE MOST GIGANTIC RABBIT EVER.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 14 MINUTES?

IN EXACTLY 14 MINUTES, BABY'S ROSY LITTLE BODY

IS BEING TOSSED INTO THE SNOW. MY HOST HAS SWORN OUT A WARRANT.

- I AM BEING KICKED OUT. - WHAT?

I NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING.

WHAT WOULD HE DO SUCH A THING?

WELL, NEVER MIND. THE POINT IS,

I'VE ONLY GOT 14 MINUTES TO GET LORRAINE OUT OF HERE.

BANJO, DEAR, THE MASTER'S GROWING A LITTLE DESPERATE.

SAY, IF I KNEW WHERE SHE WAS,

I COULD GET A CAR AND RUN HER OVER.

- IT WOULDN'T HURT HER MUCH. - OH, BANJO, PLEASE.

GO AND TALK TO MAGGIE.

- I'VE GOT TO THINK. - ALRIGHT.

PARDON ME, MISS. IS THIS THE Y.M.C.A.?

[SOBBING] OH, BANJO, YOU OLD DOLL!

OH, COME ON NOW, I'VE HEARD THE WHOLE STORY.

- EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALRIGHT. - BANJO.

DON'T WORRY. YOUR UNCLE BANJO WILL PULL A FEW STRINGS.

- THAT WASN'T A BAD PUN, WAS IT? - NO.

YOU'RE GONA HEAR THAT IN MY NEXT PICTURE.

[DOOR OPENS]

- IS THIS YOUR FATHER? - NO, YOU IDIOT.

HELLO, MR. WHITESIDE. I DIDN'T GET VERY FAR. ANY SUGGESTIONS?

I'M VERY SORRY, RICHARD-- VERY SORRY INDEED.

Whiteside: I WISH I WERE IN A POSITION--

WELL, YOU'RE NOT IN A POSITION.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, OFFICER.

HERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOUR TROUBLE.

THANK YOU, SIR. GOOD DAY.

WILL YOU GO UPSTAIRS, RICHARD?

10 MINUTES, MR. WHITESIDE.

I'VE BROUGHT YOU SOME ORANGE JUICE, MR. WHITESIDE.

- FEELING ANY BETTER? - OH, SUPERB.

IS THERE ANY CYANIDE IN THIS ORANGE JUICE, JOHN?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

OPEN THE DOOR, JOHN. IT'S PROBABLY

SOME MUSTARD GAS FROM AN OLD FRIEND.

YES, SIR. SAY, THAT CRAZY FELLA

MADE A GREAT HIT WITH SARAH.

HE WANTS TO GIVE HER A SCREEN TEST.

GOOD MORNING, JOHN. IS MR. WHITESIDE UP YET?

YES, MISS SHELDON. RIGHT THERE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, DARLING.

I'VE COME TO HAVE CHRISTMAS BREAKFAST WITH YOU, MAY I?

OF COURSE, MY SPRITE. JOHN, A BREAKFAST TRAY FOR MISS SHELDON.

- YES, SIR. - MAKE IT ONE-MINUTE EGGS.

DARLING, I WAS SIMPLY SWEPT OFF MY FEET

BY THE PLAY. IT'S FANTASTICALLY GOOD.

SHERRY, IT'S THE KIND OF PART

THAT COMES ALONG ONCE IN 10 YEARS.

OH, I'M SO GRATEFUL TO YOU, DARLING.

THANK YOU, DEAR.

WHAT TIME ARE YOU LEAVING-- YOU AND JEFFERSON?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. IT'S 4:00, I THINK.

YOU KNOW, SHERRY, APART FROM EVERYTHING ELSE,

BERT IS REALLY A VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN.

IT WILL MAKE IT RATHER A PLEASURE

SQUARING ACCOUNTS WITH LITTLE MISS VITRIOL.

IN FACT, EVERYTHING HAS WORKED OUT BEAUTIFULLY.

SHERRY, LAMB, I WANT TO GIVE YOU

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CHRISTMAS PRESENT YOU'VE EVER HAD IN LIFE.

NOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT? ANYTHING.

I'M SO DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY THAT--

[BANJO LAUGHING]

THAT SOUNDS LIKE BANJO. IS HE HERE?

HE IS, MY DEAR.

JUST THE FAMILY CIRCLE GATHERING FOR CHRISTMAS.

MY, HOW TIME FLIES WHEN YOU'RE HAVING FUN.

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA--

WHAT, WHO, AND ALL THAT SORT OF THING!

IF ISN'T LADY BOTTOMLY!

MY DEAR, YOU LOOK RIPPING--

POSITIVELY RIPPING!

VERY FUNNY. IT'S TOO BAD, BANJO,

THAT YOUR PICTURES AREN'T AS FUNNY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE.

YOU'VE GOT ME THERE, LORRAINE.

YOU STILL GOT ANTS IN YOUR GLANCE.

HA HA HA!

ANYTHING IN THE WIND, WHITESIDE?

NOT A GLIMMER.

WHAT TIME DOES THE BOAT SAIL?

- 10 MINUTES. - WHAT BOAT IS THIS?

THE GOOD SHIP BEHIND THE EIGHTBALL.

[BANJO LAUGHING]

I HAVE EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE NEW YEAR'S EVE BROADCAST.

ISN'T THERE A SCHEDULE ON THAT?

I THINK IT'S ON THAT TABLE THERE SOMEPLACE.

- THANK YOU. - NEW YEAR'S EVE?

OH, BERT AND I WILL HEAR IT FROM LAKE PLACID.

YOU'VE BEEN TO MY PLACE UP THERE, HAVEN'T YOU, SHERRY?

LOVELY, ISN'T IT? AWAY FROM EVERYTHING.

JUST SNOW AND CLEAR, COLD NIGHTS.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

OH, THAT MUST BE BERT NOW. I TOLD HIM TO MEET ME HERE.

YOU KNOW, I'M RATHER LOOKING FORWARD TO LAKE PLACID.

BERT'S THE KIND OF MAN

WHO'LL DO ALL WINTER SPORTS BEAUTIFULLY.

WILL HE HAVE TIME?

WITH ALL THE REWRITING AND, UH...

FOR MR. WHITESIDE.

ALRIGHT, COME IN. RIGHT IN HERE. CAREFUL NOW.

YEAH, THIS THING'S VALUABLE.

THIS OLD DAME IS 2,000 YEARS OLD,

SHE'S IN BETTER SHAPE THAN ME.

John: FOR YOU, MR. WHITESIDE.

CAREFUL, NOW.

GREAT-AUNT MEHITABEL.

IF THERE WAS ONE THING I NEEDED AT THIS MOMENT,

IT WAS AN EGYPTIAN MUMMY.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE KHEDIVE OF EGYPT."

WHAT DID YOU SEND HIM--

GRANT'S TOMB?

5 MINUTES, MR. WHITESIDE...

INCLUDING THAT!

WHO'S THAT MAN?

HE ANNOUNCES THE TIME EVERY FEW MINUTES.

- I PAY HIM A SMALL SUM. - WHAT ON EARTH FOR, SHERRY?

I LOST MY WATCH!

OH, UH, MR. WHITESIDE, ARE YOU BUSY?

OH...

WELL, I'LL WAIT IN THE LIBRARY.

EXCUSE ME. OH.

HA HA HA!

IS THAT THE PLUMBER AGAIN, SHERRY?

[SOBBING]

OH, DEAR. I WONDER WHERE BERT IS.

DARLING, YOU'RE NOT VERY CHRISTMASSY.

YOU'RE USUALLY BUBBLING OVER ON CHRISTMAS MORNING.

WHO SENT YOU THIS, SHERRY--

THE KHEDIVE OF EGYPT?

YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S RATHER BEAUTIFUL.

I MUST GO TO EGYPT SOMETIME.

I REALLY MUST. I KNOW I'D LOVE IT.

YOU KNOW, THE FIRST TIME I WENT TO POMPEII,

I CRIED ALL NIGHT.

ALL THOSE PEOPLE... ALL THOSE LIVES...

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

HERE WAS A WOMAN LIKE MYSELF--

A WOMAN WHO'D ONCE LIVED AND LOVED,

FULL OF THE SAME PASSIONS, FEARS,

JEALOUSIES, HATES.

WHAT REMAINS OF IT NOW?

JUST THIS.

NOTHING MORE.

A SPAN OF 4,000 YEARS--

A MERE ATOM IN THE ETERNITY OF TIME--

AND HERE AM I,

ANOTHER WOMAN LIVING OUT HER LIFE.

I WANT TO CRY.

OH, I MUSTN'T TALK LIKE THIS TODAY.

IT'S CHRISTMAS. IT'S CHRISTMAS!

LORRAINE, DEAR, HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED SAINT JOAN?

WHY, NO, I HAVEN'T, SHERRY. WHY DO YOU ASK THAT?

YOUR EXPRESSION AS YOU STOOD THERE.

THERE WAS AN ABSOLUTE HALO ABOUT YOU.

WHY, SHERRY, HOW SWEET.

IT TRANSCENDED ANY MORTAL EXPRESSION

I'VE EVER SEEN. STEP INTO IT AGAIN, DEAR.

NOW, SHERRY, YOU'RE JOSHING ME.

OH, I DON'T MAKE LIGHT OF THESE THINGS. I WAS DEEPLY MOVED.

THERE WAS A STRANGE BEAUTY ABOUT YOU, LORRAINE--

PURE DAVINCI. PLEASE DO IT AGAIN, DEAR.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I DID,

BUT I'LL--I'LL TRY.

OH, NO, SHERRY. I FEEL TOO SILLY.

OH, NO, NO. DEAR, IN THAT SINGLE INSTANCE,

YOU APPROACHED THE EPITOME OF YOUR ART,

YOU SHOULD'NT BE ASHAMED OF IT.

YOU ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED FOR A CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

ALL THAT I WANT, LORRAINE,

IS THE MEMORY OF YOU IN THAT MUMMY CASE.

WHY, SHERRY, I'M ALL CHOKED UP.

DUST THOU ART, AND DUST TO DUST--

BANJO!

EUREKA!

HA HA HA! THERE'S SERVICE FOR YOU.

WILL SHE BE ALRIGHT IN THERE?

SURE. SHE CAN BREATHE EASY.

I'LL LET HER OUT AS SOON AS WE GET ON THE PLANE. CUTE KID.

SAY, HOW DO WE GET THIS OUT OF HERE?

ONE THING AT A TIME. THAT'S THE NEXT STEP!

THINK FAST, MR. MOTO. THINK FAST.

LOOK OUT. HERE.

THIS IS EVERYTHING. I'M LEAVING 3 CARBONS.

CHRISTMAS CARD FROM THE HEAD GUY OF EGYPT.

ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU HERE?

WHAT'S IN THIS BASKET?

NO, NOTHING AT ALL, THANK YOU.

OH, ELEANOR ROOSEVELT-- DID YOU CALL HER IN ATLANTA?

YES, BUT SHE'D ALREADY LEFT FOR WASHINGTON,

I LEFT A MESSAGE AT THE WHITE HOUSE FOR HER TO CALL YOU.

DO YOU WANT THESE LETTERS FILED?

- NO. THROW EVERYTHING. - YOU WANT THIS PICTURE?

NO. OH, YES, WAIT. I WANT THE PICTURE.

I'VE DONE EVERYTHING BUT PUT YOUR BROADCAST IN ORDER.

- DO YOU WANT ME TO DO THAT? - YES, DO THAT RIGHT AWAY.

- IT'S VERY IMPORTANT. - I'LL SEE YOU BEFORE I GO.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I GOT IT! I KNEW I'D SEEN THIS FACE BEFORE.

- NOW I KNOW HOW TO GET HER OUT. - WHAT FACE? HOW?

THE TIME IS UP, MR. WHITESIDE--15 MINUTES--

GLAD TO SEE YOU UP. IT'LL SAVE ME HAVING YOU THROWN OUT.

JUST ONE SLIGHT FAVOR BEFORE YOU LEAVE.

I'D LIKE YOU TO SUMMON THOSE OFFICERS, ASK THEM TO HELP

TO THE AIRPORT WITH THIS MUMMY CASE.

WOULD YOU BE GOOD ENOUGH TO DO THAT, MR. STANLEY?

- I'LL DO NOTHING OF THE KIND. - OH, I THINK YOU WILL.

OR SHALL I INFORM MY RADIO AUDIENCE

ON MY NEXT BROADCAST OF YOUR LITTLE SECRET:

THAT YOUR SISTER HARRIET STANLEY

IS NONE OTHER THAN THE FAMOUS HARRIET SEDLEY,

WHO MURDERED HER MOTHER AND FATHER WITH AN AXE

25 YEARS AGO IN GLOUCESTER, MASSACHUSETTS?

OH, COME, MR. STANLEY, IT'S A VERY SMALL FAVOR,

OR WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE THE GOOD FOLK OF MESALIA

REPEATING AT YOUR VERY DOORSTEP

THAT ONCE-POPULAR LITTLE JINGLE--

"HARRIET SEDLEY TOOK AN AXE

"AND GAVE HER MOTHER 40 WHACKS,

"AND WHEN THE JOB WAS NICELY DONE,

SHE GAVE HER FATHER 41."

HA HA! OH, NO, NO, MR. STANLEY.

I, TOO, AM GIVING UP SOMETHING.

IT WOULD MAKE A WHALE OF A BROADCAST.

MR. WHITESIDE, YOU ARE A DEVIL.

I OFTEN THINK SO MYSELF, OLD FELLOW.

SHE GAVE HER MOTHER 40 WHACKS.

HOW THE DODGERS COULD HAVE USED HER.

COME RIGHT IN, OFFICERS. MR. STANLEY WOULD LIKE YOU

TO HELP THIS GENTLEMAN TO THE AIRPORT WITH THIS MUMMY CASE.

HE'S SENDING IT TO A FRIEND IN NOVA SCOTIA.

- Banjo: COLLECT! - Whiteside: RIGHT, MR. STANLEY?

YES. YES!

THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN,

AND HANDLE THAT VERY CAREFULLY, PLEASE.

BANJO, MY LAD, YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

- I MAY WRITE A BOOK ABOUT YOU. - DON'T BOTHER. I CAN'T READ.

GOOD-BYE, MAGGIE. LOVE CONQUERS ALL.

HERE'S A CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR YOU.

TAKE IT EASY. DON'T DROP THAT CASE, BOYS.

IT CONTAINS A JEWEL...

SLIGHTLY TARNISHED. HA HA!

WHITESIDE, I'LL LOAD IT UP WITH SMOKED SALMON

AND SHIP IT BACK TO YOU. HA HA!

♪ DID YOU EVER HAVE THE FEELING THAT YOU WANTED TO GO ♪

♪ STILL HAVE THE FEELING THAT YOU WANTED TO STAY? ♪

♪ YOU KNEW IT WAS RIGHT, WASN'T WRONG... ♪

SHERRY, SHERRY, WAS THAT--

IT WAS INDEED.

THE FIELD IS CLEAR, AND YOU HAVE MY BLESSING.

OH, YOU OLD REPROBATE.

JUST SEND ME A NECKTIE SOMETIME.

MY HAT AND COAT, PLEASE. I'M LEAVING FOR NEW YORK.

- WELL, WHAT-- - DON'T ARGUE, RAT GIRL.

- DO AS YOU ARE TOLD. - YES, MR. WHITESIDE.

Whiteside: SARAH! JOHN!

MAGGIE. MAGGIE, I WANT TO APOLOGIZE.

OH, DON'T GIVE IT A THOUGHT, BERT.

THERE'S BEEN A SLIGHT CHANGE IN PLANS.

LA SHELDON HAS DEPARTED FOR PARTS UNKNOWN,

AND I'M GOING TO SEE THAT SHERRY GIVES YOUR PLAY TO CORNELL.

MAGGIE!

HOW WOULD YOU TWO LIKE TO COME TO NEW YORK AND WORK FOR ME?

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

[BOTH] WE'D LOVE IT.

AH, THANK YOU, MAGGIE, MY DARLING.

MR. WHITESIDE, MY COOK AND MY BUTLER--

THEY'VE BEEN WITH ME FOR 10 YEARS!

I'M COMMUTING THEIR SENTENCE.

IF YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND EVER COME TO NEW YORK,

YOU CAN COME TO MY PLACE FOR DINNER... IF I'M NOT IN TOWN.

OH, MR. WHITESIDE, ARE YOU VERY BUSY?

OH, YES, DOCTOR, VERY BUSY,

IF YOU EVER COME TO NEW YORK, TRY AND FIND ME.

GOODBYE, MY LAMB. I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

- SHERRY, YOU'RE WONDERFUL. - NONSENSE. GOODBYE, JEFFERSON.

YOU'LL NEVER KNOW THE TROUBLE YOU'VE CAUSED.

Bert: GOODBYE, MR. WHITESIDE.

GOODBYE, MR. STANLEY.

I'D LIKE TO HEAR THAT YOUR DAUGHTER MARRIED HER YOUNG MAN

AND YOUR SON HAD BEEN PERMITTED TO FOLLOW HIS OWN BENT...

OR ELSE.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE PENGUINS,

THE OCTOPUS, THE BABY SEAL,

AND THE REST OF THE MENAGERIE?

THEY'RE ALL YOURS, MR. STANLEY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!

All: MERRY CHRISTMAS, MR. WHITESIDE.

WHAT IS ALL THIS? WHERE'S HE GOING?

- I DIDN'T KNOW HE COULD WALK. - IT'S ALRIGHT.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO.

MRS. ROOSEVELT?!

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT?

OH, JUST A MOMENT PLEASE!

MR. WHITESIDE!

OH, MRS. ROOSEVELT, I WANT YOU TO KNOW

MY HUSBAND DIDN'T VOTE FOR YOUR HUSBAND

BUT I DID.

OH, YOU'RE WELCOME, I'M SURE,

AND I'D LOVE TO VOTE FOR YOUR HUSBAND AGAIN SOMETIME.

OH. HA HA! MRS. ROOSEVELT.

[AIRPLANE APPROACHING]

OH, MR. WHITESIDE!

MRS. ROOSEVELT'S ON THE PHONE.

WHAT--ELEANOR?

OW!

Whiteside: I'VE DONE IT AGAIN! OH, MY LEG!

SHERRY!

BERT! JOHN! SHERRY'S FALLEN!

WHAT IS IT, MAGGIE? SOMETHING'S HAPPENED?

PERHAPS HE FELL AGAIN.

OH...

OH, I'M HURT! I'LL HAVE A--

MISS PREEN. MISS PREEN!

I WANT MISS PREEN! HELP ME UP.

OH! OH, MY! MAGGIE! OH!

WHAT'S THE MATTER? HAS SOMETHING HAPPENED?

IS ANYTHING WRONG DOWN HERE?

Whiteside: MISS PREEN! I WANT MISS PREEN BACK!

MR. STANLEY, I AM SUING YOU FOR $350,000!

OH, WHERE'S THE DOCTOR?

[PENGUINS SQUAWKING]

OH, DOCTOR, I'VE GOT A PAIN.

OH, THIS IS AWFUL.

OH!

[WHITESIDE SHOUTING AND GROANING]

[MRS. STANLEY GASPING]

Eleanor Roosevelt: HELLO? HELLO, HELLO! OH, DEAR.

SOMETHING MUST HAVE HAPPENED TO SHERRY.

OPERATOR. OPERATOR!