Original subtitles

Tommy.

Tommy!

You killed-ed my brother.

He was my only brother.

I loved-ed this dude, baby.

And you gonna pay, jive sucker.

You done messed with the wrong dude, baby.

I'm gonna be on your ass like a pair of Fruit of the Loom.

I'm gonna bounce you harder than a canceled check.

As soon as you get your foot off my face, I'm gonna hurt you, man.

I'm gonna hurt you.

This be my turf, baby.

I owns the east side.

Listen. Listen.

Oh, you tough now. Oh, you tough now.

Becausin' you be got your gang.

Becausin' you be got your gang.

But when my gang finds out

Oh! Oh!

Why you gotta pull a knife, man?

Why you gotta pull a knife?

- What's the line? - "I ain't be got no weapon."

Ah! Right.

I ain't be got no weapon!

I'm shot, Johnny.

I am shot, man. I'm gonna turn What's the line?

"I's gonna turn my back and close my eyes and pretend that didn't happen.

I'm too cool for that."

I'm gonna turn my back a-a-and close my eyes

and pretend that didn't happen.

I-I'm too cool for that.

Why you gotta stab me in my back, Johnny?

I'm bleedin'. Shit.

You stabbed-ed me in the back, Johnny.

But I'm bleedin' cool.

Yay-yay.

You gonna be late for your audition, Son.

Mama, if I get this role, everything is gonna change.

Baby, you just do your best, hear?

Yes, ma'am.

- Good luck, Bobby. I hope you get it. - Shut up.

- "Good luck, Bobby. I hope you get it." - Thanks, Stevie.

Thursday nights at 8:00 p.m.,

America's favorite TV show, There's a Bat in My House!

The show that asks the burning question,

"Can a Black bat from Detroit find happiness with a white suburban family?"

Starring America's favorite funny man,

the hilarious, zany B. B. Sanders as Batty Boy.

What's all this noise?

Can't a bat hang upside down in his cave and get some sleep?

He's half bat, half soul brother.

- Say what? - But together, he adds up to big laughs.

There's a Bat in My House! Thursday, 8:00 p.m.

- I'll see you later, Grandma. - Good luck.

Good luck,

Jimmy, my main man.

- I'm gonna get this one, Grandma. - Mm-hmm.

Yo, man, you not my brother.

- 'Cause I know - Hey, good luck, Bobby!

- Thanks, Greg. - Bobby!

- What's up, man? - You won't forget about us, will you, man?

I'm forgetting about you, Tommy.

But not your sister.

What's up, man?

Uncle Ray!

I'm on my way.

Okay, do it.

Do it.

I'll do my best.

Tiny.

Yeah, man?

Go get Mr. Jones for me.

Hey, Donald, what's up?

Work.

Mr. Jones! Marlon Brando's here.

Hey, man, I wonder what kind of lie the brother gonna tell this time.

Say, every week it's something else, man.

What about that time he said he had to take his sister to be circumcised?

Oh, man.

Brother gonna lie, man.

Bobby, I don't want to hear anything about your grandmother

or some audition today, all right?

- No, I gotta go to the dentist, man. - Look, Bobby. Look, Bobby.

- Bring a note from the dentist this time. - Okay, I-I'll bring a note.

Bobby, I'm telling you, man, if you're not back by the noon rush,

then we gonna have to sit down and talk very seriously about your job.

- I'll be back. I'll be back. - Bobby, I'm serious.

I'm not kidding, Bobby.

I'm serious, Bobby!

I know you're gonna get it.

Ow!

Hey, isn't that cute? Look at her.

- Well, look at you. - Look at you.

To the best actor of the year, for good luck.

After you get this part, we're gonna have to celebrate.

Champagne? Candlelight?

I'll bring the dessert.

I gotta get this part.

Oh! Damn! Shit.

I'm s-sorry.

Goodbye, Maurice.

Girl.

"Goodbye, Maurice." He ain't funny.

- Shit, will you drive, hon? - Yeah.

Good luck, youngblood.

You trick-ass sucker.

Ooh, you gonna have big fun up there! Huh?

What part you going for?

Yeah, it's terrific. Yeah.

It seems horrible. I've been up four times already.

I'm gonna cut you, sucker!

Why you be gotta pull a knife on me?

- I be got no weapon. - Let's go outside so I can cut you.

- What you think, man? Think it was good? - I think we could do better.

I'm Jimmy's main squeeze.

Please don't hurt him. He's all I've got.

And then, then they said I wasn't Black enough for the part.

Sometimes I think that white people don't think

light-skinned Blacks can play street hoods.

Same thing happened to me.

I was at a casting call once and the receptionist asked me what I was here for.

- Then she asked me if I was Black. - Oh.

But now I'm working.

I use suntan lotion.

Stop trying to kiss me. Get your hand off my leg.

Get your leg off my hand.

The director said, "You have to meet me at my house at 12:00 midnight."

Girl, I ain't stupid.

I was there at 11:59.

Okay, 3:30's fine. Thank you.

- Name, please? - Uh, Bobby Taylor.

I have a 10:30.

Bobby Taylor. You're reading for Jimmy. Do you have your sides?

- Yeah. - Great. Just have a seat.

We'll get to you soon as we can. We're running behind.

- Just have a seat. - Okay.

This is Sidney Stewart, the director,

Mandrill Man Vacuum, the writer, and, of course, I'm Millicent Roth.

- Pleased to meet you. - Nice to meet you too.

What we're looking for, Miss Strickland,

is the girlfriend of the brother of the main character.

She has to be tough, but sensitive.

She knows life and yet she's very naive at the same time.

And, of course, she has to be very, very Spanish.

We're looking for a very West Side Story kind of look.

Ask her if she can do the Spanish.

- Do you do a Spanish accent? - Yes, I do.

- Could you do your sides with that accent? - Sure.

Jimmy, listen to me.

You better run, honey, before the polices come.

- That's very good. Yes, very exciting. - Wonderful.

Richard, it's an important film.

And it's a film that can make the right actor very, very famous.

We're looking for charisma.

We're looking for sex appeal and yet innocence.

We're looking for that certain je ne sais quoi.

- Do you know what I mean? - Yeah, I think so.

With that in mind, Richard, I want you to start reading from the top of the page.

Okay.

And I want you to give it to us, but really give it to us.

- Tell him to relax. - And relax.

But I need some tension at the same time.

But not too relaxed, but don't forget to give me sparkle.

- Okay. Can I start? - Oh, please, please. Anytime you're ready.

Okay.

This is Jimmy, man! Jimmy!

And when my gang finds out, you be dead.

Time out, Richard.

Anyway, after getting my degree from the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art,

I decided to come to Hollywood and do some movies.

Good. Why don't you start with the speech? That's very interesting.

Sure, okay. Um, let me see.

What it is, bro?

I ain't afraid of you.

What is happening with your cool vines?

Thank you. Thank you.

You're the worst actor I've ever seen in my life.

- I-I-I have to be frank with you. - I can do it in iambic.

You be messing with the wrong dude, bro.

- Thank you. That was very nice. Thank you. - I got Do

- Thank you. - Did you like it?

Very much.

- Leave the sides with the receptionist. - Th-Thank you.

- Leave it up front. - Okay, I'll see you on the shoot.

- Long-distance. Her mother. - How can she tell how good I am if

No, because I have an analyst appointment at 7:00 at night!

- Can she feel more Black? - No, then I have to go to the hairdresser.

Do you have the final say on whether I get cast or not?

- I'm directing the film. - No, I can't, Mom. No!

- Listen. - Yeah. Go on.

- I'm sorry. She's distracting me. - No, no, no

Maybe at 7:00? Eight o'clock.

Eight o'clock? All right, 8:00.

- I understand you're looking for a - Thank you.

I understand you're looking for a tough girl.

- I can play a tough girl. - Thank you.

I said I can play a tough girl!

- Thank you. - Wonderful.

I ain't be got no weapon.

Why you be got to pull a knife on me?

I be shot.

Wonderful.

You know, I'm in a real gang, man. I don't play no Hollywood bullshit, man.

You know, I'm for reals, man. That's why I know I can play this part.

All right, Mr. Rodriguez, that's it. Put the knife away and get outta here.

- Nadine, get security. - That's bullshit, man.

Listen, sucker. You jive turkey.

This is bullshit.

Wh-Wh-What?

This is bullshit.

What are you talking about?

This is some more of the white man's stereotype of a Black man.

Yeah, brother.

Really?

Yeah, brother.

Only an Uncle Tom would do this shit.

They just looking for somebody to sell out.

Sell out?

The only role they gonna let us do is a slave, a butler

or some street hood or something.

Don't sell out, brother. Don't be a butler or a slave.

Jesse Wilson.

Jesse Wilson, you're next!

That's me. Good luck, brother.

Butler or a slave.

Stop it.

Stop it! Hear?

Now, you says you want your freedom.

You knows you ain't gonna have no freedom back there.

Wh-What if we get caught? What if we get caught?

Look, boy, I'm gonna kill you if you don't stop that crying.

And I kills anybody else that stands in the ways of freedom.

Now, we ain't going back.

Dat there ain't none of our home. So let's move.

I can't waits to get my freedom.

Mandingo,

I's go anywhere with you.

Mandingo, I's love you.

I love you too, Bessie and Willie Mae.

Mandingo.

Mandingo, I can't go back there.

I love you too, Mandingo.

- But, Miss Ann, what about your kinfolk? - I don't care. I'm going with you.

I don't know why we's leaving Massa's house.

He been good to us.

He feed us on Saturday,

clothes us on Sunday,

and then beat us on Monday.

Or was it Tuesday? I don't I don't know.

Jasper, I's don't wants to go. I's a house nigger, Jasper.

Well...

Jasper, don't you wants freedom?

We going to the promised land. The promised land.

The promised land? Cleveland?

No, Jasper.

Baltimore?

No, Jasper. The promised land.

Oh, the promised land.

Minnesota?

And cut.

Hi. My name is Robert Taylor, and I'm a Black actor.

I had to learn to play these slave parts.

And now you can too at Hollywood's first Black Acting School.

- ? Black Acting School ? - It teaches you everything.

Learn "Jive Talk 101."

You motherfuckin' jive turkey motherfucker.

- All right. That's good. You try it. - ? Black Acting School ?

You-You fucking mothers fucking

No, no, no, man. No, no, no, that's wrong.

Watch me, man. Just be cool.

Jive turkey motherfucker!

- ? Black Acting School ? - Good work. Good work.

That's only the beginning. You too can learn to walk Black.

No, no, no, no.

No?

No rhythm. Observe.

Yes, yes, yes!

You too can be a Black street hood.

But this class is for dark-skinned Blacks only.

Light-skinned or yellow Blacks don't make good crooks.

Here's a student in our advanced class.

I didn't steal that TV. It just happened to be under my coat.

I don't know nothing, Police Woman, Kojak, Ironside.

Yeah, I'm a gang leader.

I'm in the War Lords, the Vice Lords, the Onion Heads.

- ? Black Acting School ? - Let's talk to a graduate.

This is Ricky Taylor.

Ricky graduated from our class three years ago.

Ricky, can you tell us what you've been doing since you've graduated?

Well, Robert, I've played nine crooks, four gang leaders, two dope dealers.

- I played a rapist twice. - Whoa.

That was fun.

Currently I'm filming a prison movie.

I play this tough con that tries to fuck this new inmate.

That sounds wonderful!

I'm so happy for you!

Need I say any more?

It's Hollywood's first Black Acting School.

It teaches you everything.

Classes are enrolling now.

Learn to play TV pimps, movie muggers, street punks.

Courses include Jive Talk 101, Shuffling 200, Epic Slaves 400.

Dial 1-800-555-COON.

? Black Acting School ?

Don't try to be cool.

Call Hollywood's first Black Acting School.

All right.

Today.

Bobby, you don't want your job, do you?

- I want my job, Mr. Jones. I really do. - Bobby You don't act like it, Bobby.

Look, each week a new emergency.

You've had every disease known to man, and I haven't seen one damn doctor's note.

I just lose them sometimes.

Bobby, this ain't the poot-butt league. Ain't no poot-butts around here.

This is not your average hot dog stand.

You know what this is? This is Winky Dinky Dog.

I know, I know, and I'm glad to be working here at Winky Dinky Dog.

Yeah. It send chills down my spine every time I say it.

Winky Dinky Dog. Bobby, say it with me. Come on.

Winky Dinky Dog.

Winky... Dinky... Dog.

Yeah. Ooh! Mm-mm-mmm.

Yeah, I like that. Mmm.

Mr. Jones, it's not that I'm not happy working here.

It's just that acting allows me to be creative.

But, Bobby, you can create here.

I created the Winky Dinky Dog. 100% beef.

Winky Dinky Hamburger.

The Winky Dinky Doughnut.

Winky Dinky Dip.

And I got a new one, Bobby. The Winky Dinky Hoecake.

- Hoecake? - Hoecake.

- Hos got to eat too, right? - Right. You're right.

That's right. Hos got to eat. I hate to lose you, Bobby.

There's big things coming up. Talk to him, man. Winky Dinky Hoecake.

If it was up to me, you'd be fired.

- My man Tiny ready to kick your ass. - I ain't afraid of Tiny.

Tiny ain't kicking my ass.

I wish he would bring his big, fat ass

Hey, T I-I'll make it up to you. 'Cause I'm gonna be a star one day, man.

Nah, nah. You gonna be seeing stars, man.

Yo, yo, chill. Check it out. Check it out.

- Look at them bodyguards, man. - There's a bomb over here!

- You serious? - Oh, no, no. It's just the muffler, man.

- It's just the muffler. It's all right. - It sure had me nervous!

- Look at them. - Hey, man. Who's that in there?

- I don't know. Oh, that's that - That's Batty Boy!

Yeah, yeah, that dude Batty Boy from that TV show

about that Black bat that live in the house with that white family.

- A Bat in My House. - Right. That some funny shit!

And when he get away, he go like this "Batty, batty, batty."

- Yo, man, let's go take his order. - Okay.

Welcome to Winky Dinky Dog, Mr. Batty.

May we take your order, please?

One Winky Dinky Dog with cheese

and one without.

Extra special sauce.

- You got that, Tiny? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- One with cheese. Spit on the other one. - Got you.

Man, we watch your show all the time. Every night.

"Batty, batty, batty."

"Get my stick. There's a bat in the house."

- Hey, man, get off! - Don't touch his hand.

And don't touch his clothes.

Yo, later for you, bat-head.

Yo, man, your show sucks.

You ain't no actor, man. That's all special effects, man.

- Peasant. - I can't believe it's you, man.

Mr. Batty, how do you tell a good script?

Does your character

die in the script?

No.

Then it's a good script.

- Well, what about art? - It's not about art.

It's about sequel.

One film one

can make an entire career.

Just look at me. "Batty, batty, batty."

I read in a magazine that you still take acting classes

and that you don't drink or do drugs.

Relax, Mr. Batty. Relax.

Don't say "drugs" around the man.

Don't say "coke" or "freebase" neither. Unless you got some.

- Just remember that. - I'm gonna work with you someday.

Sure, kid.

I'm gonna do a movie with you someday, Mr. Batty.

I had an audition today, man. It was good, man.

It sounds like you did pretty good, man.

Looks like my chances are good.

Man, if I get this role, man, it's the lead in this movie, man.

Wow, man, they say in show biz, it only takes one good movie

and you could be a star, man.

Bobby T. Check it out.

Man, I just hope the critics like it, man, 'cause they could shoot a movie down.

Oh, man, the critics don't know nothin'.

Right. They don't know nothing. It's just like that TV show.

You know. The one with the two critics.

With the fat dude?

The fat dude in the glasses? He act like he knows everything.

Yeah, they need some real brothers critiquing the movies.

- Yeah, giving up the real scene. - Right, man, you dig.

Real brothers.

- What's up, man? - What's up, man?

Welcome to Sneakin' in the Movies.

My name is Speed and this is my homeboy Tyrone,

and we are, like, uh, movie critics and shit.

Well, not really. Peep this.

Each week, me and my boy, you know,

we go to different theaters and stuff and sneak in and check out the movie.

Then we come back and tell y'all what's up.

Like, if y'all should pay money and shit.

Today, the first movie we will be reviewing

is a classical movie called Amadeus Meets Salerius,

about two motherfuckers really into music.

And here's the clip.

If I could sear out my eyes,

tear my music from the skies and hearts and souls

of every human being that has ever heard it,

I would give anything to have him back into my soul.

Thine eyes, thine heart.

And whisper no more.

But to be without him,

the skies will see no more than nothing.

Bullshit!

I didn't like this movie at all.

My first problem was the fact that I couldn't say the title.

I get tired of titles I can't pronounce and shit.

If you want people to come and see it,

a motherfucker gotta be able to tell his woman where he gonna take her.

You gonna lean over to your woman and say,

"I'm taking you to Ama-duh, Ama-duh, Ama-duh"?

- You know what I mean? I didn't like it. - Here's the next clip.

Chicago Jones, Temple of Doom.

Got any other bright ideas, Chicago?

Let's jump.

You gotta be crazy.

Trust me.

- Are you sure? - Yeah. I can do anything.

Let's jump.

Okay.

You ready?

One, two,

three, go!

- You okay? - Just a run in my stocking.

Let's go.

I'll start. I'll start.

I tell you, I enjoyed the first and second Chicago Jones and Temple of Dooms.

You know, I kind of gave the guy points.

It's a little unbelievable, but it's possible, you know?

I know he's a bad motherfucker and all.

- I know that. - Right. Right.

But him jumping off mountains with his mother?

You know, and not getting hurt? Nah, that's bullshit.

I disagree.

I disagree, homeboy.

I believe this movie.

A dude could jump off a mountain and not hurt himself

because he did brace himself,

and he knew something about the levels of "gravitivity" and polarity.

What? Nah, that's bullshit, man. That's bullshit.

Aw, man, you don't know shit about science 'cause you dropped out of high school.

- Hey, why you gotta bring that up, man? - 'Cause it's the truth.

I know it's the truth, but that Hey, man, fuck you.

- What you gonna do about it? - Hey, man, I'm gonna bust yo ass.

- Oh, yeah, uh, after the clip. - Okay, yeah. Okay.

Well, right now we gonna review this next movie.

The new movie by Dirty Larry.

All right, what do you punks want?

We want a helicopter.

- We want a helicopter! - All right. I'll get you a helicopter.

Larry, am I glad to see you.

They got hostages. They wanna go to the airport.

All right, just keep the SWAT team back. I'll handle it.

All right, why don't you punks freeze and drop your guns on the ground?

What'd you say, honky sucker pighead jive turkey fool?

I said drop your guns to the ground.

Make us, cop. There's three of us and there's only one of you.

Well, why don't you meet my friends?

Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson.

- Wow, that's a big gun, man. - Yeah, it's not just a gun.

It's a .44 Magnum. It's the most powerful handgun around.

- No shit? - No shit.

- Yo, man, how much did it cost? - About $300.

I'm not sure, though. I got it on sale.

- How many bullets does it hold? - Six.

- Larry? - What?

I got a cramp in my neck.

Let the lady go.

- Why? - Because.

Because why?

Because I say so.

Who are you, man?

- He's Dirty Larry. - That's right.

We don't care.

You take one step and you're gonna be talking to your maker.

Go on.

Make my day.

Bullshit, man. I didn't like this movie at all.

Realism is very important to me.

Say, like, you take somebody hostage, you all nervous and shit.

They ain't got time for no conversation.

That's right. He's having a conversation, they chill out and listen.

- Three brothers with guns? - Mm-mmm.

- He's supposed to take the the money. - Right.

Take the ho.

- Take the ho. You know that. - Right.

And take the car and get the fuck outta there.

I can't believe it. 'Cause he woulda been dead a long time ago, talking that shit.

"Make my day."

Right, right, 'cause as soon as he said "make my day"

Boom! Do 50 bullets in your ass make your day?

You know?

- Shit. That's bullshit. - Well, that was bullshit.

Now, the next clip I think you will enjoy.

Yeah, it's called Attack of the Street Pimps. Check it out.

Really, I

You shoulda seen them.

They They got Brandy. You gotta run.

- Brandy? - What the hell's wrong with her?

Shit, girl! Watch where the fuck you're goin'!

Oh, God, you scared me. I thought it was them.

- What are you talkin' about? - Them!

Girl, I don't see anybody.

Neither do I.

Listen, you gotta run. You gotta hide. They were after me and Verda and

Listen.

Shit, man. That bitch lost her mind.

Her pimp done drove her crazy.

He done hit her upside her head once too many.

Mm-mmm. No, I never seen her act like that before.

Man, she had another fight with T-Bird. He probably beat her ass good.

No.

Shit.

- Oh! - Thelma, come on.

Come on!

Where's my bitches?

Don't touch me.

Oh, God. Sugar Pie, Mad Dog, Fly Guy! No, no, no!

- What's your phone number, baby? - Call me.

Whoo.

Now, that was a good movie!

I love this movie. It was genius.

The direction, the acting, the story line

That shit was bad.

The motherfucker scared the shit out of me, man.

- That shit could really happen. - I believe this movie.

Like, you get all those pimps together, walkin' around and shit with big hats on?

Right, right. That was live.

The director captured the essence of street life in a whore-type situation.

Pimps looking for hos? It was live.

- And that actress? - Oh.

- That played the ho? - Wasn't she good?

She was excellent, marvelous, effervescent.

Yeah, man. And acting all terrified and shit.

- This movie is like a nightmare. - You know that one dude, man?

- With the yellow suit on? - Yeah.

Man, he looked like this dude right around the corner from my house, man.

That's what's so horrifying about it.

And now to recap the movies we saw.

We both gave thumbs down to that classical shit, Amadeus Meets Salerius.

We disagreed on Chicago Jones.

I gave it a thumbs down, but he liked-ed that bullshit.

Dirty Larry, the movie where the crooks wait for Larry

to go in his jacket, pull out a big-ass gun.

What'd they think he was looking for? His American Express card? Damn.

We both gave Dirty Larry the finger.

The last movie we really enjoyed.

It was full of stereotypes, but it was well-directed

and we thought the combining of the zombie pimps and the street hos was brilliant.

We gave it the serious high five.

And that recaps all the movies we saw.

Well, join us next week when we will be reviewing, like, five, uh, new movies.

That's if we can sneak in the movie theaters and check them out.

- So see y'all next week. - See you next week.

Let me see your tickets.

Uh, I think I lost mine, man.

Oh, shit.

I think I left mine in the bathroom.

I was taking a piss. You can't hold it in your hand when you're pissing.

- Let's go. Come on. - We'll see you next week.

Where's my bat? I'll show you.

- Say what? - Mr. Wilson!

Wings, don't fail me now. Batty, batty, batty.

? There's a bat in my house There's a bat in my house ?

? Someone go get my stick ?

Wings, don't fail me now.

Hello?

Who's calling?

Yes, sir. He's here.

- It's for you. - Who is it?

Your agent.

- What does he want? - I don't know.

Hello, Marty?

What did they say?

They like me a lot. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

But what?

They want an Eddie Murphy type?

What's an Eddie Murphy type?

Oh, they want somebody to act like Eddie Murphy?

Why can't I just act?

Thursday nights at 8:00 p.m.

So I didn't get it.

I got a callback?

I got a callback? Well, why didn't you say that in the beginning?

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Well, just Well, well, just call me back with the details.

Okay, Marty, bye. Have a good day.

- I got a callback. - You got a callback.

I got a callback.

Oh, boy!

What we're looking for

is an Eddie Murphy type.

We want somebody who can act like Eddie Murphy.

From head to toe. That's what we want.

Someone who can dress like Eddie Murphy, to look like Eddie Murphy,

to be Eddie Murphy, to give the actor himself a Murphy-ectomy,

to have a Murphy-like quality, Murphy-esque, to be Murph-onic.

Otay!

Shut up.

H-Hello, kids. It's your old friend, Mr. Robinson.

Me.

There he is. He's the one we want!

I-I just wanna be me. I-I don't wanna be Eddie Murphy.

I just wanna be me. I-I just want

- Yes! - Get the fuck outta here.

That's what we're looking for.

- I am tired of this bullshit. - Give it to him, man.

Now, look. You come in here every day with another excuse

so you can go out and do that acting thing.

- Same bullshit. - I'm tired. I don't wanna hear it no more.

You sell that shit to Mr. Jones. Don't bring it here, baby.

'Cause we trying to run a business, okay?

Now, I don't want to bust your bubble,

but you ain't never gonna make it at the acting thing.

I have seen you on TV and I'm telling you now

Let me rap to him. Hey, man, I saw the film you did on TV the other night.

It sucked, Bobby. Give it up.

You'll never be a Stepin "Fletcher." Never.

- You don't even know nobody famous. - Nobody.

Who do you know? Your uncle. He tried.

Look at him now. Sweeping up hair in a barbershop.

- That's right. - You got a opportunity here, man.

That's right. After five years, they let me lock up the place.

You think any studio gonna let you lock up the place?

This man got responsibility.

You can have responsibility.

Look, man. Look at me.

When I first came here, I was nobody, like you.

Three months later, assistant crew chief.

Six months after that crew chief.

I went from two dollars to 2.25 in six months.

Now we talking about making it.

- Give the acting up, Bobby. - Give the acting thing up, man.

I'm not gonna be working here all my life.

I'm gonna make it as an actor.

Winky Dinky Dog.

Donald, you stupid little pea brain.

And Tiny, all you care about is food.

I'm gonna come back to this place one day, somebody. You'll see.

You'll see. You'll see. You'll see.

Come on, Donald, where Give me half a hot dog, man.

No!

- Hey, man, am I half owner in the place? - Yes.

- Well, give me my half a hot dog. - I said no. You already ate half my hat.

Look, we only got two hot dogs left. You wanna eat one-fourth the inventory?

Bobby!

Donald, Tiny, it's been a long time.

Yeah, what, uh, ten years?

Man, we been watching you on TV and the movies.

I always knew you was gonna make it, man.

- Didn't I always say he was gonna make it? - Yeah, yeah, sure did.

How's Mr. Jones doing?

Oh, hey, he lost his shirt on that hoecake thing.

He over in that corner talking to himself, going plumb crazy.

Hold on a minute, damn it. Let me put out my napkins.

How you gonna eat without no napkins? You got to have some napkins.

Hold on, now. What kind of hoecakes you want?

You You want You want the wine hoecake? Yeah.

- Here. - Lost his mind, man.

Yeah, Stevie? How many you want?

Michael want some too? Yeah, I know.

Hoecakes. Everybody love hoecakes.

We need you, Bobby. We need you, man.

Could you do a commercial for us, Bobby?

I know you can't tell, but business really ain't doing that good.

- Could you Could you, please? - Please, Bobby.

- Could you please do a commercial for us? - Please, Bobby. Please, please, please.

So please, please, please get your shit together or you fired.

You can have Winky Dinky Dog.

I quit, crew chief, fat boy.

- He'll be back, man. - Yeah, keep your hat. You gonna need it.

- He'll be back. - Damn right.

When you come back, it'll be for less pay!

Hey, Bobby, come on in.

Just getting ready to close up the place. How's it going?

Oh, it's going.

So, yeah, Bobby, what's been happening?

How's Grandma and the family?

I quit my job.

I was working there for three years.

And you should have quit three years ago.

That job was just a waste of your time.

You've gotta do it while you're young, Bobby,

before you fall in love and get a family.

'Cause if you don't,

time's got a way of creeping up on you,

kicking you in your ass.

What if I'm not that good?

What if I don't make it?

What if you do make it?

And what if you are that good?

Bobby, you'll never know until you try.

You gotta give it your all, Bobby.

You got to give it everything you got.

I know.

'Cause it happened to me.

I stopped believing in me.

Started listening to all those other people

tellin' me what I couldn't do.

I kept listening.

And listening.

Until one day,

I started believing it.

And I quit.

Lost my chops.

? Oh, there was magic in the night ?

Man, when I was singing...

I was the happiest man alive.

Onstage, doing it.

Bobby,

there ain't nothing to it but to do it.

You could be the greatest actor ever born,

doing Shakespeare on the stage, playing the hero in some movie.

Maybe the first Black Superman.

One day

win that Oscar.

You gotta believe in yourself, Bobby.

Don't play yourself cheap.

Don't ever let anybody take away your dream.

Come on. Let's go.

- I said, my main man. - No, no, no, no, you gotta say...

...my main man!

My main man!

Excellent. That was real jive, Robert.

I mean, I was, like, the street. Like, what be happening?

- Right. Right. - You were wonderful.

- Shit. Shit. - Robert, totally awesome.

- Thank you, Mandrill. Thank you, Stewart. - All right. Yeah.

- Robert. - Uh-huh?

Very, very nice work.

Very nice work, Robert. We're very pleased.

- Thank you. Thank you. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- Bye. - Bye.

Fabulous. Oh, my God.

- Do you want me to call his agent? - Oh, absolutely.

That's our Jimmy. That is our Jimmy.

Jive, tough, charismatic. That's our Jimmy. Very Black.

? Take me back to yesterday ?

? When a dream that's come true... ?

Oh! Bobby, are you trying to get me drunk?

- No! - Mm-hmm. Stop.

Where's everybody else in the house?

- I don't know. They went out. - Where'd they go?

They just went out and left me here all by myself.

Then you came

Ah.

- Hi, Lydia. - Mm-hmm.

Grandma, aren't you home kinda early?

Well, I didn't want to play bingo tonight and listen to a lot of gossip.

Where's Stevie?

He's spending the night over at Michael's house.

Oh. How come you home?

Uh, we were celebrating.

Uh, didn't Mama tell you? I got the part in the movie.

Oh, yeah. She told me. Congratulations.

Why didn't you go out?

Uh, my u-unemployment check didn't come today,

and so we decided to just stay in and watch TV.

Uh, there's this good detective movie that's on tonight.

Oh, well, I just love detective movies.

Welcome to the Wednesday Night Movie.

Tonight, Sam Ace is back fighting crime.

This movie will be shown with no commercial interruptions.

This is Sam Ace.

Yeah. I seen it three times.

This is the city. My city.

This is where I work.

It's a tough beat, but somebody's gotta do it.

I'm a private investigator.

My name is Sam Ace.

I fight crime.

It was Friday night.

I sat in my office, waiting on the phone to ring.

Could it be one of my dames?

Nah. It was some fag.

It's a long story. I was drunk at a Christmas party.

Suddenly, there was a knock at my door.

Then she walked in.

I could tell by her shoes this dame had class.

I could tell by her purse she didn't have much money.

And I could tell by her face she was desperate.

My name is Debra Jenkins. I need your help.

Have a seat.

My brother was murdered.

Police found his body in an alley two days ago.

All he wanted to do was dance.

His name was Carl Jenkins, but everybody called him Cookiehead.

He was the best break-dancer in the country, Mr. Ace.

Nobody could copy his moves. He had a unique style.

He was poetry in motion. He was the best.

My fee is $50 a day,

plus expenses.

Mr. Ace, money is no problem.

If you find my brother's killer,

I'll give you anything.

When she said "anything," she meant it.

She was talking about doing the nasty. And I like doing the nasty.

So began the case.

I started with the people closest to Cookie first his mother.

She said he was a good boy.

She just hoped he had on clean underwear when they found him.

I didn't know how to tell her. He didn't.

I talked to Cookie's father.

He didn't believe Cookie was his real son.

I didn't know how to tell him. He wasn't. Cookie favored the milkman.

I was getting nowhere. I needed answers.

It was time to play rough.

All right.

So I didn't seen him.

But I can tell you this, though, Mr. Ace.

If someone was gonna kill Cookiehead, it'd have been Jerry Curl.

Who's Jerry Curl?

He hated Cookiehead like he was an Afro.

Where can I find him?

He live up on 39th Street.

Just follow the empty activator bottles to his crib.

Okay.

If he's not there, Ace, he hang out at this dance studio.

Seven, eight, nine, one, two, three, four.

There was a dance class going on.

A funny thought came to me.

Could a guy in a skirt kick my ass? I doubt it.

And one, one! Hey, not bad!

The class was over with. I had to move fast.

Excuse me. Do you know where I can find Jerry Curl?

Jerry Curl? What do you want with Jerry Curl?

- I just need to ask him some questions. - Questions about what?

Cookiehead Jenkins.

Cookiehead Jenkins?

- Yeah. - You was a friend of his?

Yeah, you could say I was a friend.

Okay.

Now, who else wants some?

I want some.

I want some too.

You want some more? You want some more? Get outta here. You want some more?

Ow!

Who sent you here?

- Your mama. - Yeah, smart-ass.

Yeah, smart aleck. Get him outta here.

You looking for me, punk?

- You must be Jerry Curl. - Yeah, how'd you guess?

I need to ask you some questions about Cookiehead Jenkins.

I don't know nobody named Cookiehead Jenkins.

And don't be coming around here asking for me no more.

Jerry Curl had won the first round, but it wasn't over.

I was gonna make him pay.

Not for kicking me in the stomach,

but for dripping activator all over my suit.

My cleaning bills were a bitch.

I headed back to the office. The door had been opened. How? Who? Why?

- Just the lady I wanted to see. - Sam, what happened?

You come in my office with this song and dance

about how your brother was almost an angel.

I get out on the streets, I got 200 suspects that wanted to kill your brother.

Now, what kind of game are you playing?

What can I do to show you that I'm being straight with you?

I knew exactly what she could do.

And she did too.

As she walked towards me,

I saw that twinkle in her eyes.

I knew it was time

to do the nasty.

And I liked doing the nasty.

She was a good kisser,

but her breath was stinking.

But so what?

You don't get rid of a Rolls-Royce because it has a dent in it.

I had never done it before on my desk.

I was just glad to be on top.

I'd hate to do the nasty with a stapler up my ass.

I headed back to the dance studio.

I knew Jerry Curl was lying.

I had to make him talk.

- Yo, man, I got these moves, man. - Yo, do that frisky move.

Pass that move over to Jerry.

- One, two, three, curl. - Curl, curl.

He's rocking. Don't stop. Do the Jerry Curl.

Hey, he's rocking! Don't stop!

- Rock it, Jerry Curl! - Jerry Curl. He's a-rockin'.

Jerry Curl.

What you here for, another ass-whupping, man?

No, just some answers.

Nick, Eddie, get this punk outta here.

Back up.

Hey, that's my activator, man.

Back up!

Back up. Back up. Back up.

Okay, now just just put my activator down, man.

Where were you the day Cookiehead got killed?

I was at the hair salon, man. I was getting my curl done.

- I was there all day. - Where?

Okay, I wasn't there all day, man.

Afterwards I went out on Crenshaw, I bought me some hair care products, man.

I got some activator, some glycerine and some curl activator, man.

All right, and then I went down to the beach.

You went down to the beach and you killed Cookiehead Jenkins, didn't you?

No!

Yeah, I tried. I tried, man.

I put the activator down on the board.

I wanted the dude to slip and fall, but he turned it into a break-dance move, man.

I swear. I didn't kill him, man.

And that's the truth?

Yes! It's the truth, man. I swear.

Please. Please give me my activator, man.

Please give me my activator. Please? Please?

PI Please give me my activator.

Please, I swear. Give me my activator.

Two days later, Jerry Curl confessed to the murder of Cookiehead Jenkins.

I had solved the death of a break-dancer.

Oh, by the way,

Debra got the money from the insurance company.

One hundred thousand dollars.

And I'm in love

with the money.

I wonder how long it takes to spend a hundred grand.

See you next week. I'm Sam Ace.

That's the kind of role I want to play.

You will.

I'm a little nervous about tomorrow.

It's your first day.

Nah, that's not it.

I just feel funny doing this kind of character.

I just wish it was something different.

You'll be fine.

- You think so? - Mm-hmm.

Is my grandmother still asleep?

Yeah.

Good.

? Rags to riches ?

? Ooh, ah ?

We're talking with fans outside the Bobby Taylor concert.

Ten-thousand seater. What do you think of Bobby Taylor?

Basically, you know, I'll pay to see any of Bobby Taylor's movies.

- ? Hard work ? - ? Hard work ?

? And dedication to what you feel ?

- ? Thank God ? - ? Thank God ?

? American dreams can become so real ?

I'm Bobby Taylor.

Thank you. No pictures now, please.

? Overnight sensation ?

My big brother is very important to me because I love him.

He is an actor.

He's been on TV and everything.

He can act happy or sad or real cool.

He is the greatest.

I just wish the boy would get his life together.

Mama, don't you start.

You know, they are hiring down at that post office.

- Yeah. - They pay good pay down there.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

Mama, look. Bobby has a dream of becoming an actor.

Just be happy for the boy.

- Oh, hi, sweetheart. - Good morning, Mama.

- Good morning, Grandma. - Hi, Bobby.

- Baby, you ready? - Ma, could you hurry up?

I-I don't wanna be late for my first day of shooting.

Bobby, I'm doing it as fast as I can, now.

Ma, the director said it's okay if you want to come down to the filming today.

I know, sugar, but Mama may not be able to get down there.

- All right. - I'll be there.

Okay, Grandma.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am happy for Bobby.

But I don't want no grandson of mine

out there trying to act like a street hustler.

Black folks got enough negative images

without my grandson out there adding to that mindless bullshit out there.

- Mama! - Yes, I said bullshit. Bullshit! Bullshit!

Mama, if you don't be quiet, that boy gonna hear you.

I don't care.

Every time you look at TV,

always somebody act like a pimp or some tired-ass nigger.

Kids don't need to see that stuff.

Acting like they think it's cool to be in a gang.

Just the other day I saw Stevie walking around the house, trying to act cool. Huh!

Mama, everything you saying is right, but it's work.

There's work at the post office too.

Hmm.

I know you right about it.

What's happenin', big brother?

I wanna be just like you.

Got three chicks waiting in our car for us, man. Come on!

Come on! Let's go!

Come on.

What did you say?

I said good morning.

Yeah, good morning, Stevie.

Okay, pick you up at 4:00, honey! Bye-bye!

- I love you, Madeline. - I love you, John.

I adore you. You're everything to me.

My heart beats for only you.

And I for you.

- Your lips - John, no.

Can I help you?

No, no, no.

Joe, bubby, baby, sweetheart, I'm your agent.

Listen to me. This is a great deal.

- I said no! No! - It's your contract, Joe.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no. - You've got to do it.

I'm not just gonna kill 38 people in this picture.

This script needs to be rewritten.

If this picture's gonna be a box office smash,

I need to kill more people.

I'm the hero.

It's a 38-kill deal, Joe. That's the deal. That's your contract.

- Yeah, and why can't you make it 39? - Joe, originally it was 15 kills.

I gotta get a new wig.

- Sidney, talk to this man. - I can't talk to him, Sam.

He's a moron. You're never gonna work in this town again.

Who needs you?

Yo, youngblood. Stage number seven. Dressing room's on the left.

Thanks.

Wardrobe, Mr. Taylor.

You have a good one.

Hey!

My man from the audition, right?

- Yeah. - Hey, what part you playing?

Jimmy.

Oh, so you got Jimmy.

Congratulations, man.

Come on. Give it up.

Hey, I only got one line, you know. Hey, but that's cool.

I understand the NAACP is gonna picket this movie

'cause somebody read the script.

Mm-hmm.

But I'm glad you got the part.

'Cause I would never play that part because of my values.

But, hey, I'm different. Congratulations, man.

Thanks.

The NAACP

could picket me, me, me, me.

No more Bobby Taylors. No more Bobby Taylors.

We're standing outside the home of Bobby Taylor,

a young Black actor who took a lead role

in a stereotypical movie about street life.

The NAACP has picketed this movie,

but this is the first time that an actor has ever been picketed.

Here to explain is the president of the Hollywood branch of the NAACP,

Mr. Jamal Harris.

I hope that you're all paid-up members of the NAACP Hollywood branch.

Thank you.

We felt we had to put our foot down by making Bobby Taylor an example.

We feel that black actors should not have to accept these stereotyped roles

such as crying slaves, tar babies...

Tar babies?

...jungle bunnies, and I say that as long as Black actors play these roles,

they'll never play the Rambos until they stop playing the Sambos.

- Thank you, Mr. Harris. - Thank you, Mr. Harris.

Here's Bobby Taylor's little brother Stevie.

Wait a minute. I'm not finished. Isn't this gonna be in Spanish?

Hold on! Hey!

How do you feel about what your brother has done?

He's not my brother. He's just a guy that lives in the same house. He's a renter.

But you were seen down on the movie set. Isn't that true?

No comment. If you print that, I'll sue.

I don't have a grandson anymore. I really don't.

And what am I gonna do about it? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do about it.

- I am going to write me a book about it. - A book?

- Mm-hmm. - What's the name of it?

"Bobby Dearest."

You used to work with Bobby Taylor. Tell me, was he always an Uncle Tom?

Yeah. Yes, always Uncle Tom.

Mama, daddy was a Tom. Uncle was a Tom.

I think that Bobby Taylor is a two-bit, goat-smelling spook,

obviously from the Coon Repertory Theater of America.

Eat tom turkeys on Thanksgiving.

I'm so sick and tired of people like Bobby Taylor

coming around and influencing the kids.

Got my kid grabbing wallets and shining shoes.

You ain't gonna be no star, Bobby Taylor, with that brown stuff on your nose.

I know you brown-nosing over there.

We are out here sweating like niggers going to the election in Georgia,

because he chooses to bug his eyes, yank on his dick,

and pull those raggedy, skid-mark drawers out of the crack of his Black ass.

I have nothing else to say about Bobby Taylor.

Bobby Taylor is a coon! Be a star very soon!

How do you feel about being with Bobby in his film career?

I believe him and I will stand by him.

How do you really feel?

I will stand by him.

Come on, sister.

As a Black woman, you mean you're happy with your boyfriend

with that watermelon smile?

I'm proud of my race.

And no, I don't like it.

I really thought he was gonna make the right choice, but obviously he didn't.

I didn't know that he was gonna act like some sort of pickaninny.

My girlfriends are laughing behind my back.

They ask me, "Does he make those kind of faces in bed?"

Do you make those faces in bed?

Sometimes.

I have thought about it and thought about it.

And I have come to one conclusion.

We kill him.

Kill Bobby Taylor.

Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill Bobby.

Kill him. Kill him. Kill him! Kill him!

Kill him! Kill him! Kill him! Kill...

Cut. Cut.

Sidney, they are tearing the heart out of my chest.

What are they doing to my words? These are my words.

- Okay, we'll take care of it. - Street. Street.

You hear the man, right? You hear the man.

- This is my baby. - You're killing his dialogue, his words.

This is supposed to be street, you know?

Now, let's get another scene here. Let's go again.

Actors, actors, come on! First positions! First positions!

Jivetime Jimmy's Revenge, scene ten, apple one.

Action!

Come on, Johnny.

Go get Jimmy!

- Go get him! - All right.

Johnny?

Uh-uh.

Johnny!

You maric n cockroach.

- Johnny, you kill him! - Yeah, you right!

Gee, Johnny, you killed Tommy.

Yeah, you know I'm a bad dude, Jack.

- Gee! - Jack!

- You better run before the police - Johnny, it's Jimmy.

- Jimmy! - Oh, no.

Tommy!

Tommy. Tommy.

Talk to me, Tommy.

I'm mad!

Oh!

I want revenge.

I pays respect.

Ah, good God!

Tommy, hit me.

Uh!

Two times.

Uh! Uh!

On the good foot.

Tommy.

Camel walk, Tommy.

Afros.

- Yeah! - Yes, Jimmy?

Afros.

Yeah!

I want revenge.

Yeah!

Ah! I want revenge.

Revenge!

- Afros. - Yeah?

- Back up. - Ooh-ooh.

You Beaners! You back up.

- Back up. Back up. - You back up!

- You back up! - You back up!

- You back up! - Somebody back up.

You killed-ed my brother. My main man.

I loved-ed this dude, baby.

He was He was Uh

- Cut. Cut. - Why is he stopping?

Bobby, that was terrific. That was terrific.

What What Why did you stop? What happened?

Oh, there's there's no problem. I just I just I just forgot my line.

Okay, that's fine. No problem. You want to look at the script?

- No, I'm okay. - Great. Okay. Let's go again.

Excuse me, Sidney, before you do, I have another very good idea.

- Yeah? - Could you tell him to be a little more

- You know. - Yeah, Bobby, uh

Bobby, I-I need, uh, a little more Black. You know what I'm saying?

Uh, like, stick your ass out, uh, bug the eyes.

- You know how they move, you know? - Yeah, jive-ass. Jive-ass. All right.

- Let's slate it. Let's go again. - Okay, sorry. Sorry, Sidney.

Scene ten, baker one.

And action.

I loved-ed my brother.

He was my main man, baby.

Yeah, baby, because I loved-ed him,

and-and he was my only brother.

He He was like my main man.

I loved-ed I loved-ed my-my brother.

- Cut. - Why is he stopping again?

Why are you stopping?

I-I-I I can't do this.

- What did he say? - He said he can't do this.

So wh-what are you talking about, you can't do this?

This is not the kind of acting I wanted to do.

This is

This is bullshit.

Get him out of here. Get him off the set. I'll have someone else do it.

- I'll do it. - You got it.

You ain't shit.

Oh, come on. You're blowing it for all of us.

- This has got to change. - Look, this is work.

Shit, there's work at the post office.

Get him off the set. I want him off the set.

Get him off the set. Get him out of here.

There's always got to be one.

Get him out of here. Get him off the set. I'll have someone else do it.

You could be the greatest actor ever born.

Don't ever let anybody take away your dreams.

Alack!

They've murdered your only loving daughter.

Fool! Fool! Fool!

Yes, sire?

Come hither.

They have murdered my daughter.

My daugh

Shit.

Oh, my daughter's pain!

Superhero. Superhero.

We've been looking all over for you.

You know this city's full of crime.

Get back to work. Back to work.

Rambro! It's Rambro!

Rambro, over here!

And now...

...the winner is...

Bobby Taylor!

Call me.

This is really a surprise, uh, my fifth Oscar.

I'm gonna tell you, I didn't think I was gonna win tonight.

And against the competition, Redford, Newman,

Pacino, Dustin Hoffman,

uh, Meryl Streep,

I didn't think I had a chance.

And I just want to say, tonight we're all winners.

- I'll get your jacket, Mr. Taylor. - Thank you.

Mr. Taylor, there's one line here you forgot to sign.

Ah, sorry about that.

There's something about this guy. He's special.

He's got honest qualities, integrity.

- There. Now you look like a star. - Thank you.

Okay, we're ready to shoot you now. Let's roll.

- Here's your jacket, Mr. Taylor. - Oh, thank you very much.

- Hook it up and see what happens. - Watch your eyes.

Okay, here we go.

- Take one. - Action.

Through rain, sleet and snow, I deliver your mail.

I'm a US postman and you can be one too.

I deliver people's dreams.

And more importantly,

I have the respect and the admiration of the entire community,

and that makes me proud.

So, if you can't take pride in your job, remember,

there's always work at the post office.

? I'd like you all to know They say that I'm just a dreamer ?

? Gonna make you all believers ?

? And it starts today ?

? Just one in a million ?

? But with every chance I take ?

? I'm not just one in a million ?

? And the sky's the limit ?

? And there's nothing Gonna get in my way ?

? Hey-hey, yeah, hey-yeah ?

? I just won't let it go ?

? Now that I have found it ?

? Gonna build my world around it ?

? And I gotta say ?

? Just one in a million ?

? But with every chance I take ?

? I'm not just one in a million ?

? And the sky's the limit ?

? 'Cause there's nothing ?

? Gonna get in my way ?

? Am I alone inside my dreams? ?

? What a place to be ?

? Things aren't at all the way they seem ?

? If I work hard and I believe ?

? I'll make it when it's tough ?

? Never gonna give up ?

? I'm not just one in a million ?

? I'm not just one in a million ?

? I'm not just one in a million ?

? Hey, I'm not just one in a million ?

? I'm not just one in a million ?

? I'm not just one in a million ?

? And the moral to the story is ?

? To be or not to be ?

? That is the question I ask of thee, ha ?

? To reach new levels And set new heights ?

? To take control and rock your life ?

? I'm tired of playing hookers and hos ?

? I want much more sophisticated roles ?

? Medea, Cleopatra, Antigone ?

? Joan of Arc inspired me, ha-ha ?

? Yeah, that's right I kissed plenty booty ?

? To get that part I thought it was my duty ?

? But now I feel that in my heart ?

? That I have here a brand-new start ?

? I wrote those words And they're really jive ?

? But what I learned today Is really live ?

? You see, I learned about Blacks From TV ?

? So please don't be angry with me ?

? Take me back to yesterday ?

? When a dream that's come true ?

? Wasn't far away ?

? There was magic just to say ?

? Something simply as sweet ?

? As your name ?

? That's when I knew ?

? I was in love with you ?

? And forever your love ?

? All my dreams are made of ?

? The things that bring me closer to you ?

? I can't help how I feel ?

? I know inside that it's for real ?

? Just thinking of the things That you do ?

? Brings me closer to you ?

? I wanna be closer, closer ?

? Dreaming brings me closer ?

- ? I wanna be ? - ? I wanna be closer, closer ?

? Close to you ?