Original subtitles

I was saving it for you. Oh.

You know, we really should have taken a holiday like this a long time ago.

Yeah.

This is the best you've ever looked. I gave you a little BBL.

I like my mermaids with the whale tail.

What the hell is going on here?

I said to bag the sand, not playing it like children.

These are just the leftovers, okay? We ran out of sandbags.

After filling up every single one, by the way, which felt like overkill. Not

overkill, okay? There's a biblical storm coming.

In a lifetime storm, supposedly.

Like a great man once said, one day a rain may come and wash all the scum from

these streets.

Did you just call Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver a great man? Travis was a

Vietnam veteran, and he knew the value of firearms and physical fitness.

Storm's coming. Get back to work, Papa Doc. I prefer Murmur, Doc.

I'm not about to call you Murmur.

Stop looking at me.

Hey, the NATO base in Marne has flooded because of the storm, and I told General

Martin that she and her troops can come here, and we will put them up. Oh, Euro

hottie slumber party.

Not a real slumber party, and I don't care if they're hotties or...

Busted. Thank you, Conway. You got it. What's happening? The colonel and I have

been doing a generational cultural exchange.

I taught him busted, and he taught me about something called Creedence

Clearwater Revival. Very good, Conway.

Yeah. The troops are on their way. I want you guys to be aware of the fact

you're going to have to share quarters, okay? And Sergeant Conway is in charge

of the accommodations, so she will assign everybody.

Does General Martin have any special requests?

I think General Martin is all set.

Okay. Sorry.

I don't know what's going on here. Sounds like your Canadian girlfriend's

to move in with you. No.

No. That's not what I said. That's how it starts. Come over. I got central AC.

Next thing you know, you're signing the name for the lease.

I don't know what you're talking about. Trust me. Sooner or later, General

Martin's going to be wearing her night guard to bed and letting her panties dry

in the shower.

It's not going to be happening, okay? I just hope that you're ready to give up

your side of the bed. My side of the bed is the whole bed.

Okay? There's no two sides. It's my side. Got it. Interesting fact.

I'm your superior officer. You're not allowed to mock me.

You know, things have been so busy since yesterday when we, uh... Kissed?

Kissed. That kiss was amazing. It was. Coming out of a movie. Yeah, okay, yeah.

The best kiss of my life. Yeah, me too. But we also thought, like, maybe you

were gonna die. Yeah, I might die, but... So.

I guess there's only one way to find out.

Yeah.

Wasn't quite as good.

I remembered it. Yeah.

It's me.

It's me.

Okay, you know how, like, some people find speaking around really, like, sexy?

Yeah. Yeah, well, you know what I found really sexy? What?

Following the rules. Okay. And I think that's what's happening here. I

understand. Yeah.

But we want to do this. We want to do this. Okay. We got to do this. Yeah.

Just, um... Work our way up to it.

Work our way up to it.

Come on in. Everything is normal in here. The door is not closed for any

at all. We are good here.

How are you?

Okay, I'm not going to say it's a good thing that there's a flood.

It's a thought and prayers to the tulip farmers, obviously.

But it's not a bad thing that I'm going to get more face time with General

Martin. No.

I hope she's not thinking that this is going to be some kind of a step for the

relationship, you know, like step forward, because I'm not really, I don't

to take a step in any.

Yeah, you've got to accept that it's a step.

Really? Yeah.

Because our relationship is, like, so sexy and fun. Those are the two things

we're built on, and scotch and innuendo, four things. Those are, like, that's

our foundation.

It's just, like, drinking and messing around, you know what I mean? Like, I

don't think even with an act of God that that would change.

Have you ever considered that maybe God wants you two to be together?

Okay, you know I have Catholic stuff that's creepy for you to use that

me. Just bring him into my temporary office.

We made it. Now get me out of these damn clothes and pour me a scotch.

Hurry.

See?

Sexy and fun.

Okay. You know, sometimes you just forget that you're my dad.

Who's Catholic now?

Captain, since I'm still aidless, I was hoping you could step into the role

while I'm on base.

Yeah.

Yes, ma 'am.

Man, I am not hating the flood.

But thoughts and prayers to the tulip farmers. I hate tulips.

Captain, I just saw a soldier in pajamas.

I told them pajama night can never happen.

What's next, charades and s'mores?

Snack time, everyone!

for welcoming snacks for a lovely guest. We got chocolate marshmallows and

graham crackers, but I wasn't sure. Do you put ranch dressing on this or not? I

can never really get when you guys like ranch dressing on photos and when you

don't.

So I guess we proved you can put maple syrup on anything pretty much, right?

Having a Canadian roommate isn't so bad, is it?

Oh. Sorry, I thought we were calling it.

we can call it okay yeah let's call it okay if i don't use this thing i gnaw

through my own jaw yeah yeah got it not a problem i mean you got to do what you

it's saturday what do you want to do today uh saturdays i um i have to

my hunting knives and it takes a long time i've got to be really super focused

so i have to be kind of by myself but what are you gonna do i was gonna watch

some human cockfighting you're okay you what human cockfighting where

oh wow this is a fun saturday what do you think we were gonna

do together go to ikea

any like softer one of these weapons i just i was i was glad to believe that

this wouldn't hurt in any way and like i guess we're just missing nap time how

did that rather soft dig fellow get into the army oh well corporal papadakis has

many extraordinary talents and hand -on -hand combat is not one of them

but at least he's getting his nap time but

you think you're up if you don't hit me

Fine, 100 euros.

It's so great having real soldiers on the base, you know what I mean? I

seen one pair of open -toed shoes. But our guys are getting pummeled. Okay, we

got ourselves a negotiator. Thanks, Louis Vuitton. Look, it's sick.

You have interesting friends.

Well, they have unconventional skills.

What about you?

Are you interesting?

Oh, I'm uninteresting.

Good. Yeah. Because after the debacle with my last aid, smoking something

Afghani train wreck, I need somebody totally by the book.

You got it.

Oh, wow.

By the book.

So was it good for you?

All joking aside, was it true what you said about that private mom?

He sure cried like it was true. He did.

I sure got hit in the head a lot. Yeah, but you always got right back up.

I sure got hit in the head a lot.

Is the enemy okay?

I don't know.

General Martin said we can't go to the medic unless we want to be diagnosed as

weak. Your dad with General Martin equals disaster.

Okay. Look, it's only for a few more days, so, I don't know, try to make

tonight. Don't have sex with them. Or do. I don't know. I'm not your mom.

What?

Do you guys do that stick -fighting thing every day?

No. Some days it's paintball.

General Martin designed their own guns.

They are very powerful.

Looks like it.

Oh, we have got to get our hands on those paintball guns.

I sure got hit in the head.

A lot.

We need to steal those paintball guns before tomorrow.

Because unless General Martin made those paintball guns shoot mimosas, I am not

letting that demon ruin my Sunday, too. Because General Martin's idea of fun is

torture.

Oh, I didn't find guns, but I think I might have found something else.

Great. All I found were these candy jawbreakers.

Papa, take a look at my candy. Those are paintballs.

Hey, what's going on?

Nothing. I was just watching a YouTube compilation with Martin of old people

falling down.

And when they fall in water, we drink.

Pretty drunk.

So I grabbed some scotch. Wait, are the old people hurt?

Not the ones who fall in the water, you know, as long as they can swim, which a

lot of them can't.

Anyways, I realized something. It's pretty cool, man. I'm liking having her

around. Turns out when you like somebody the way I like her and you take that

little step.

It could be a good thing. And I came to that conclusion on my own.

I didn't need therapy like that family court judge said I did.

Right? Yeah, I guess, uh... Sometimes you gotta take a risk. Unless you're an

old person on an escalator. Yeah, you just want to take the stairs?

Huh. Okay. How you doing?

Thanks for asking. Yeah, actually, you know when you have these things... Yeah,

I gotta... She's waiting on me. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no. Yeah, yeah. You

get back to watching old people.

All right, pal. All right. See ya. No problem. Okay. If you get bored, you can

come over and watch. I'm not gonna do that.

The key to disappointing soldiers isn't the yelling. It's the silence between

the yelling. Huh.

Because I just do the opposite. I just, like, I rant for, like, you know, a

solid block, like, six, seven minutes, and then I throw something.

Ooh, what's your favorite thing to throw?

Like a chair, you know, like Bobby Knight style, you know?

It really gets their attention.

This is interesting, though, comparing notes. I like this.

It's hard to be mean in a vacuum.

Yeah?

Who the hell is that?

What is it?

Hey.

Where's General Martin? Who is it?

It's a personal friend seeking guidance over... I got my girlfriend pregnant,

and she's in love with her best friend, and they're going to raise the kid

together. I got it, hon. Listen, I found blueprints of the face in General

Martin's office.

I also ate paint.

So what's the deal? Maybe she was going to get a frame for me, like as a gift or

something. These are the exact blueprints that Gideon was tricked into

We never found out who was behind that. Maybe it was Martin.

There's also plans for a remodel of the bait.

Yeah, I didn't think that was funny.

So what do we get?

It's women tearing down women time, isn't it? Did you guys learn nothing

that human resources video I had you watch with the animated bears? Because

was all about that kind of stuff.

So your girlfriend is not being straight with you. You go and sex fly. She is

your girlfriend.

You know what? Look at the bright side.

You know, two moms means less responsibility for you, Papa Doc. You

We'll talk about it more tomorrow. I was making that up. I was making that up.

Hey, wait, we gotta talk. No, no, we're talking.

No, we're talking. Okay.

Hey,

what do you think? You think we should remodel the tea sack?

No, I think it's fine.

Yeah, me too.

I mean, the only way a remodel would make sense is if you were going to

the number of troops. Then you'd bash out the back wall. You'd switch out the

round tables for bench seating and expand the kitchen. But that's just off

top of my head.

Right.

How's the book?

It's good.

Just getting to the section on Pearl Harbor.

Politics aside, you got to respect a surprise attack.

Yeah.

You've got me in my office on a Sunday.

It better be World War III. I think if it was World War III, sir, you'd already

be in your bunker.

Is General Martin taking over my base? What? No, no, no, no, no. The U .S. Army

is giving it away.

You're just giving bases away now? What are you, that's nuts.

No wonder you've never seen combat. When the fighting starts, I guess you just,

what, surrender?

NATO has made a massive weapons deal with the army, and General Martin wants

you know, a training base in the region. So since Baumholder is a base of value,

I convinced our superiors to throw in Strugdorf, you know, like free perfume

with purchase.

You know, your whole obsession with humiliating me is now reaching a really

creepy, fetishy area. I'm not the one who invited your girlfriend to move in.

That you did on your own.

And now she is your boss.

Oh, see, I wanted to capture that exact moment so that it will pop up on my

screensaver from time to time. Of course, because you need something to

the pictures of all the kids you never see anymore.

Oh, well, look who's talking.

You know what, sir? I'm not going to let you get away with this.

Too late.

The wheels are already turning. Oh, and if you try to block it, you will be

crushed. Oh, see, your eyes were closed. So let's try this again. How does it

feel? to be the only American to lose a battle with Canada.

Oh, see, now that, that's a keeper.

You know what, sir? I should give you a fair warning. You might want to get that

bunker ready. I'm about to start World War III.

There it is.

Yeah, that's what we were looking for.

Yeah. And I think I know why we found it.

You do?

Mm -hmm.

Because I took a job with General Martin.

She called me and offered me a position as her permanent aide at NATO, which,

you know, comes with a move, but also comes with a promotion to major.

Wow. Which is not in your chain of command. And we can do this.

I didn't realize that when I submitted my

retirement paperwork last night.

What? I mean, sometimes you gotta take a risk, right?

I mean... I mean, this is crazy. Isn't it funny that we, like, gift of the Magi

to each other? That is crazy.

We're still on the same page.

Actually, we're not.

We're not?

Well, no.

Look, I accepted a new job, like, 30 minutes away.

Uh -huh.

You quit.

Your job. You gave up your whole career.

20 years of service for a girl you haven't even been on a date with.

You're welcome.

Okay.

Okay. Look, I've failed at every relationship that I've ever been in,

right? Uh -huh. And you, well, you literally just got a divorce.

Probably should have talked about that first.

Yeah, we probably should have, but, I mean, I've been thinking about it, and

I've been thinking about us a lot.

I actually see a future for us, okay? I see, like, the house, the family

wireless plants, kids.

Kids? Yeah. Would we talk about that?

Or would you surprise me with some?

I'm not gonna surprise you with kids if that's not how that works, okay? I have

to go.

I do.

I'm helping General Martin prep her schedule, okay, as soon as I find my

Okay, dude, you don't need to do this, okay? You don't need to run away. Don't

be like the colonel, okay? You don't need to avoid emotional conversations.

can talk through this.

I am nothing like my dad.

Don't do this. Don't just walk away. Let's talk about it. What do you want to

talk about, huh? Sit my Christmas tree up the chimney, huh?

I'm sorry you found out this way. I wasn't supposed to say anything until it

official. Oh, really? I've told you plenty of official secrets, okay? Like

fact that we have a sound cannon that makes people projectile bombs. And that

was one of the most romantic dates of my whole life.

Look, you have worked so hard making this base a success. Enjoy the spoils.

taking over can just allow you to transfer to a better base. You're right.

Oh, my God, I didn't even think of it that way.

You're doing me a favor.

I should be thanking you. I'm going to send you some thank you flowers. Where

should I send them? Oh, yeah, right here, because you live here now.

It's not personal, Patrick. Oh, it's very personal, okay? You Trojan horse me

with two of my favorite things, sex and human cockfighting. If you wanted to

move in, you should have just asked.

I'm not your enemy, but I could be. God, you are already my enemy. My God.

You know what? I'm just going to give you a heads up.

I planted an alarm in here. It's going to go off very soon.

Loud enough to drive you crazy, but faint enough that when you look for it,

you won't be able to locate where it actually is.

Oh, yeah, that's going to drive me nuts.

Merry Christmas, Grinch.

Really, this is... All you got is the rosé? I mean, rosé is more about, like,

quantity. That's why it comes in a box.

I can't believe Martin thought she was doing me a favor.

I can't believe Shaw thought he was doing me a favor.

Crazy. It is insane. Dude, it sacrifices everything for...

Our future?

Like they're our saviors or something. It's insane. It's crazy behavior.

You don't think there's a chance that we are self -sabotaging Quinn style so

that we don't get hurt?

No. No.

It's not us, honey. It's always them. It's them. It's them.

That's the way they want it to think. I'm obviously not going to take the job

with General Martin after everything that I've... Have you learned nothing

working with me? What do you mean?

Career goes before family every time. So you are taking that job. Okay, number

one, you earned it. Number two, you deserve it.

Thanks, Dad.

Plus, it can't hurt to have a Quinn on the inside. Find out what her next moves

are going to be. And then, you know, frame her for selling military secrets.

Wait, what?

You know, see how you feel.

Company, attention!

Our training exercise is on hold. The paintball gear has been stolen.

Don't worry.

I've been eating the evidence.

The guns were in my office and only Stroopstorff soldiers had access.

Maybe it's a cat burglar situation.

Interesting theory. So what I'm going to do is keep my eyes peeled for someone

very sexy wearing spandex.

Well, don't look at me.

The only thing I'm guilty of feeling is hot. I am in charge of this base now and

I order everyone to be normal.

Yes, ma 'am.

We will be normal.

Normal.

Big dark.