Original subtitles

Thank you so much for meeting with us.

Ah, of course. It's my pleasure.

Who is this guy?

HETTY: It's the tax attorney Samantha

and Jay hired to review

the IRS's case against Jay.

No, this guy, with the earrings.

That's Jay.

Now, just to get things straight, Mr. Arondekar,

you are a chef who decided to also pursue a career

as a financial analyst.

Yep. Yep, that's right.

And instead of pursuing this additional career as yourself,

you chose to illegally earn income but not pay taxes

under the assumed identity of "Michael Jackson."

Yeah, that was a weird choice on my part.

Have I said sorry enough to Jay?

SAMANTHA: Husbands.

First they leave the toilet seat up.

Then they commit tax fraud under an assumed identity.

-[chuckles] -Right.

Now, it's unlikely that the IRS will refer this case to the DOJ,

which means no prison time.

Yes. Okay, we-we like no prison time.

As long as you pay the back taxes, penalties, and fines

in a timely manner.

So you need to remit $220,000 to the IRS

-by the end of the month. -ALBERTA: Damn, Trev.

That's some Capone-level tax evasion.

I'm impressed.

SAMANTHA: We don't have

anywhere close to that much.

What about offloading some of your personal assets?

Have you considered selling your property?

Sell my estate?!

Oh, I'll give him a piece of my mind

if he ever happens by on St. Patrick's Day!

We are not selling Woodstone.

Well, then you better come up with another way

to make a lot of money very fast

or you're in big trouble.

I hate to keep beating a dead horse...

I'm not selling feet pics on the Internet!

Okay.

♪ ♪

So, Sam,

heard you're in financial ruin.

Probably karma biting you

in the patootie for junking our old beloved water heater.

That's right.

I was over it for a minute.

But two weeks without the gurgle

has me peeved.

Nancy, what were they supposed to do?

They didn't have any hot water.

Well, I never had any hot water

and I turned out just fine.

-[chuckles] -PETE: You died

of cholera.

Very likely tied to the fact

that you didn't have access to running water.

NANCY: Oh, whatever.

More gotcha journalism from the upstairs elite.

I'm out of here!

How are we elite?

I mean, I did have a Members Only jacket.

Well, Jay, the good news is,

just about everything we put up for sale online sold.

You got $45 for the Boba Fett.

All I ask is that, before you ship it,

I get a chance to say goodbye.

At what moment in history did it become acceptable

for adult men to have toys?

I'm genuinely curious.

What's going on here?

HETTY: Oh, Samantha and Jay

are selling whatever measly possessions they can

in a futile attempt

to repay the government. [sighs]

The Woodstones--

once we owned factories,

and now we peddle space toys.

JAY: Huh.

I got a missed call from Brett.

The Brettinator?

You're still in touch with Trevor's old boss?

Yeah, he thought the whole Michael Jackson

double life thing was baller.

And he's a sneakerhead,

so I reached out to him

about buying my collection.

Shoes.

Selling our shoes.

JAY: I'm gonna try him back.

[line ringing]

Whassup...?

Hey, Brett. I saw that you called, which I assume means

-you were interested in those sneakers? -Uh, no.

I actually found that very weird and sad that you sent me that.

I did not like that.

-Oh, okay. -But, look, I get it.

You tried to double-dip,

you paid the price.

The good news is, you need cash

and I have an opportunity for you.

Now, it's not exactly...

legal, but I can't imagine

that's too much of a deal-breaker

for a bad boy like yourself.

[quietly]: He has a way for us to get some money,

but it's not exactly legal.

[gasps] Oh, no.

He's gonna ask to use Jay like a sushi tray.

Hmm. I doubt it.

But if it would save my house,

I say take off those clothes

and fill that belly button with soy sauce.

SAMANTHA: Wh-What exactly

does he have in mind?

Hello?

Are you there? What do you say?

Yeah. I'm listening.

Okay.

Right... here.

This is where they want it?

-That's what Sam texted me. -But why

do they want a chair just all by itself

-in the middle of this creepy basement? -I don't know.

They said it's supposed to be some sort of a Zen space.

Yeah, I guess it's sort of peaceful.

What's all this?

Well, as you know, Sam and Jay

have been frantically selling all of their possessions.

But they were unable to find a buyer for this recliner.

So we said, "Why not give it to the basement ghosts?"

We know nothing will replace your old water heater

and its beloved intermittent gurgle,

but maybe in the meantime,

this chair will provide some small measure of comfort.

PETE: Oh, boy. They may not know

-what a chair is. Um... -Oh. Eh.

Uh, y-you guys know about the concept of sitting, right?

We know what chairs are.

Yeah. A guy in my village had one.

We're just not really chair type of people.

SASAPPIS: Well,

why not just give it a shot, you know?

Maybe you'll like it.

I suppose it couldn't hurt to try it just this once.

Oh.

So, how is it?

It's the greatest pleasure I've ever known.

-[gasping] -[breathing heavily]

Better than that one time when you ate a berry?

Better than the berry.

[gasping, chuckling]

All right, well, let me just talk it over with Sam

and I'll get back to you. [chuckles]: Okay.

Thanks, Brett... inator.

Well?

Okay, so, basically, Brett is a regular

in an underground high-stakes poker game.

Underground? I wonder if Patience is in it.

I know about this game.

Brett used to always invite me,

but I could never go because of obvious

"can't leave the property" reasons.

So what does he want from you?

He wants us to host the game.

The last venue got busted

and they're looking to move it somewhere with less heat.

Oh, I don't like the sound of that.

Well, he did say we'd get a sizable hosting fee,

like ten grand.

Jay, that won't even make a dent in what we owe.

You're thinking too small, Sam. The real money

is what you're gonna win at that poker game.

HETTY: They are not good

at card games.

Lest we forget the Go Fish paper cut incident.

ALBERTA: Do I need to spell this out for y'all?

You got ghosts.

We can help you cheat.

Now, Trevor, this game has some high rollers, right?

Oh, yeah.

Loaded with whales.

-[inhales] -Not that kind of whale.

-Thank you. -ALBERTA: With us ghosts telling you

what cards everyone has,

-you literally can't lose. -SAMANTHA: Oh.

-I don't know. That seems unethical. -Hmm?

The ghosts are saying we could use them to cheat at poker.

Really?

But where will the players sit?

In giant tanks of water?

[chuckles] How do they hold the cards in their flippers?

-Mm, she's back to the wrong kind of whale. -JAY: Okay,

on the one hand, it does sound dangerous.

But then, on the other hand, if we don't get the cash

to pay for the fines and the back taxes,

I could go to jail,

which also sounds dangerous.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying shuffle up and deal.

Let's host an illegal poker game.

Yes! You will not regret this.

I mean, you might, but... [scoffs]

...whatever. I'm excited.

Eight and nine and ten.

Time's up, Nigel.

Just a little longer.

Hey, I counted up to ten several times.

Which I know how to do because of my full year of schooling.

-[chuckles] -DIRK: You heard the lady.

It's time to give someone else a turn.

-Like me, perhaps? -CATHERINE: You already had

a turn, Creepy Dirk.

DIRK: Exactly.

The rest of you don't even know what you're missing.

So it's far more tragic when I'm not in the chair.

PETE: How's it going,

basement buddies?

We need more chairs.

-Oh, sounds like our gift was a big hit. -Oh,

stop patting yourselves on the ass

and start rounding up some chairs.

CATHERINE: They got a ton of furniture

up there.

We'll take ten chairs

and another ten chairs.

You want 20 chairs?

No one knows what that means, Pete.

Just get us some damn chairs!

We're sick of taking turns.

We need help!

Okay, okay.

We'll go upstairs and see what we can do.

I'll go with just to make sure

you little heinie holes don't screw it up.

Doesn't 11 come after ten?

Shut your piehole, Copernicus.

BRETT: This is the guy I was telling you about.

Top-notch chef by night,

financial analyst using an assumed name by day.

-How baller is that? -JAY: [chuckles] Well,

you know I love analyzing... stocks

and, uh, having people not know it was me.

TREVOR: Love that Brett still thinks

that Jay/me is a baller,

especially after all that's gone down.

That's a true friend.

So how exactly does this work?

I mean, I've seen Molly's Game.

A-Are you, like, the "Molly"?

MICHELLE: This is just

a casual gathering among friends.

Now, if you'll both grab a wall,

I'll need to pat you down for wires.

So these are the high rollers.

[chuckles]: Oh, this is exciting.

-Run me through the roster. -It's everyone you'd want

in an illicit high-stakes poker game.

There's Boris,

the intimidating Russian.

Irene, the Miami snowbird

with a dark past.

And who's that guy?

He looks like a child.

HETTY: Is that Young Sheldon?

Yeah. That's the actor who played him.

Iain Armitage.

Sup? I'm Iain.

[Russian accent]: Oh, yes.

You're a child actor.

Uh, I was a child actor.

Sort of going through a rebrand right now.

I just got cast in a pretty gritty poker movie.

So I'm here.

Doing research.

-Okay. -My agent's comparing it

to when Elizabeth Berkley did Showgirls.

'Cause it's edgy.

I'm edgy now.

Hey, Iain, here's your apple juice.

[chuckles] You know what? No.

A-Apple juice is what I used to drink.

I'll take a Pepsi.

Straight up.

[exhales sharply] You got it.

SAMANTHA: Hey.

Just wanted to talk to you guys,

make sure we all know the plan.

She's doing that thing where she talks on the phone

but she's really talking to us.

Oh! That's a good bit.

We haven't done that in a while.

So, we know what we're doing?

-We all set? -ALBERTA: Sure are.

I've assigned each ghost a player

whose cards they will watch. Everyone knows

their man and is ready to go.

Wait, I didn't get assigned anyone.

ALBERTA: Well, there aren't

any left.

But there's five of us

and five players, aside from Sam.

Yeah, but I'm taking two players, so you get it.

Right. But why would you take two?

God, she is lucid at the most annoying times.

Sam, do you not want me to help?

Do you not think

-I'm smart enough? -I just didn't want you

to have to worry about anything.

I wanted you to enjoy yourself at the party.

It's nothing against you, Flower.

There's just way too much riding on this.

I see. Hmm.

[sighs]

That was difficult, but it needed to be done.

Hey, guys!

Ooh, the poker thing.

Can I help?

And now we have to do it again.

It's crazy.

It's like I'm standing

but with my butt instead of my feet.

That's just sitting.

You're describing sitting.

Okay, guys, I've got bad news.

It's a big no on the new chairs.

-[scoffs] -Apparently,

they offloaded a lot of extra furniture

at that Halloween yard sale a couple years ago.

And they don't want to part with

any of the stuff they're currently using.

Let's give 'em all cholera.

Okay, we can't always jump right to giving everyone cholera.

NANCY: Plus, they're doing this poker

cheating thing to try to save the house.

So we don't want to do anything that would threaten

our continued access to the living butler.

NIGEL: Yeah. It's kind of like cutting off

your nose to spite your face.

-BRAD: Hey! -Sorry, Noseless Brad!

It's just an expression!

So what are we gonna do?

Oh, this is bullcrap!

Why do we all have to share a chair?

NANCY: I'm with you guys.

No more turns.

It's time for the law of the jungle.

-Ooh... -What does that mean?

It means might makes right.

And that chair is mine.

-Come on. [grunting] -No!

-I'm not moving! -[others yelling]

I'm taking it!

-You wish! -Stop!

Help!

Hi, Iain.

Do you mind if I get a quick pic?

My mom is a huge fan.

Sort of playing poker here, man.

-Okay. -[shutter sound effect]

-Thank you. -MICHELLE: Sir,

get your butt away from the table.

Sorry.

-Check. -She got two pair.

Sam, you got her beat.

Hmm.

I bet a thousand.

I call.

Let's see what you got.

Three pretty ladies.

Oy gevalt.

Sorry, Irene.

Yes.

[insects trilling]

IAIN: Hey, check it out.

I wear cologne now.

I got it at Nordstrom.

Adult Men's section.

ALBERTA: Okay, Sam,

it's just you and Boris left in this hand.

This would be a big opportunity

for you to clean him out.

Isaac, what does Boris have?

ISAAC: He looked too quickly before.

I wasn't able to catch it.

But he always checks again after the river.

[singsongy]: I know the lingo. [chuckles softly]

Okay, well, here's the river.

What's he got, Isaac?

[sneezes, sniffles]

Oh. Oh, no.

Are you kidding me? Did you miss it?

It was a chemical attack!

HETTY: How many lives

must your sneezes ruin?

I saw it. I saw his cards.

He has a seven and a three.

Okay, if that's true, Sam, you got him beat.

If you go all in, you could end this now.

Woodstone would be saved.

Mm. It's a lot riding on Flower.

We were all thinking it.

I just said it out loud.

Sam, you have to trust me.

I know you guys don't think

I can do this, but I am 100% positive.

I saw those cards.

Sam, action's to you.

Sam, you have to believe me.

I'm all in.

Boris call.

Three kings.

[sighs] Nice hand.

Unfortunately,

not nice enough.

I have three aces.

[exhales]

-Flower... -FLOWER: No.

No, no, no, no, no, I swear.

I-I know what I saw.

I...

I know what I saw.

You trusted Flower? What were you thinking?

-Jay, Flower's in here. -Good.

Hey, Flower, I know you got a lot of great qualities.

I mean, I assume. You seemed nice

that one minute I met you when Pete dislodged

my soul from my body that one Christmas.

Oh, that was fun.

But you're not exactly known for your lucidity.

And I don't think that that is a controversial statement.

Michelle just made an announcement

that the game is going to resume in two minutes.

I think that was for the players

who haven't been completely knocked out,

but I thought I'd pass it along.

Sam, you have to believe me.

I know what I saw.

Boris must be cheating.

-What do you mean? -Well, he must have had

those two aces hidden somewhere

and then switched them out at the last second.

Now that you mention it, he was fiddling around down there.

I thought it was just your standard rearrange,

but perhaps there was something nefarious to it.

Flower thinks that Boris somehow switched out the cards.

Okay, okay. Sure.

Or maybe-- hear me out--

the permanently high ghost

that thinks the wallpaper is moving

is mistaken.

Look, I know what I know.

He had a three and a seven.

And really?

No one else ever sees the wallpaper moving?

You guys are missing out.

SAMANTHA: Also, Isaac saw

Boris fiddling around in his pants.

JAY: Oh.

Okay, then.

There's a very simple solution to this problem

that doesn't involve us confronting a Russian gangster

based solely on the word of a dead hippie.

So what does it involve?

They think he's hiding cards

in his nether region?

Make one of the ghosts go crotch diving to confirm.

-Oh, hell no. -I shan't be going near

-anyone's nether regions. -SAMANTHA: I mean,

Trevor, this is kind of all your fault.

You should probably do it.

Oh, no.

I think he was mainly scratching his left inner thigh.

But fog of war--

who knows?

Be thorough, Trev.

We need this.

[exhales] Fine. I'm going in.

Another hero move for the ages.

Wish me luck.

Trevor's doing it.

We'll know momentarily.

TREVOR: Oh, my God, it's awful.

I hate it!

Do you see the cards?!

The cards are strapped to his inner left thigh with a garter.

-[chuckles] -Flower was right, Jay.

-What? -Ha. -TREVOR: He ruined

garters for me.

Oh, this is a dark day.

[yelling]

-Oh, no! What is this?! -Hey, stop it!

Guys, what is going on?!

-[grunts] We'll tell you what's going on! -[panting]

Your stupid chair tore us apart.

Why have you brought this cursed technology to us?

We were just trying to help!

This is our fault.

We violated the Prime Directive.

What are you talking about?

Star Trek. It-it was this TV show.

Basically, they had this rule

that you're not supposed to interfere

when you encounter another civilization.

And here we are,

shoving our sitting ways down the throats

of a beautiful standing culture.

SASAPPIS: Pete's right.

We shouldn't have interfered.

We're sorry.

[sighs]

As much as I love blaming anyone who wears shoes,

I don't think this is all your fault.

The truth is, I think we're all a little raw

from the loss of the water heater.

But we have to accept

that she's never coming back

and life is never going to be the same.

[clicking]

-What was that sound? -[low humming]

What sound?

There was, like, a series of clicks.

I think it came from the new water heater.

Oh. Whoa!

There's kind of, like, a low hum.

You hear that?

Yeah, I hear it.

-That's very interesting. -[clicking]

Whoa!

More clicks!

They're intermittent!

-We got an intermittent sound, folks! -[laughs]

This thing is spinning gold over here!

[chuckling]

There you go.

Thank you for playing.

What's this?

Boris is cashing out.

Still on Moscow time. Little tired.

Oh, not so fast, Drago.

Rocky IV.

-Great reference. -SAMANTHA: We have

reason to believe Boris cheated on the last hand.

-Excuse me? -MICHELLE: This is

a pretty serious accusation.

Do you have any proof?

Yes. But it is tough to say

that a ghost was face-deep in Boris' crotch.

I saw Boris switch out his cards for two aces

that he had hidden in his pants.

Which means that the original cards

are still in there.

So we need him to drop trou.

Oh. Poker and a show.

Sam, stall him.

I'm going back in.

SAMANTHA: Listen, Boris,

you're not going anywhere until we get

-to the bottom of this. -BORIS: Okay,

I did not want things to get violent in front of the kid.

IAIN: I'm fine.

I recently watched John Wick,

which is rated "R."

Because I can do that now.

BORIS: For the last time,

Boris did not cheat.

-[straining] -And he does not have

hidden cards anywhere on his body.

[gasping]

Whoa. Would you look at that.

Aha! The cards.

I told ya!

Well done, Trevor.

ALBERTA: You and that big Russian have had

quite a night together.

-[laughs] -MICHELLE: Boris,

you are banned from my game.

And that money belongs to Sam.

-[sighs] Okay. -[Samantha chuckling]

Yes!

-Woodstone is saved! -[door opens]

-[laughing] -SUE: Uh, hello?

What's going on here?

Oh, why are you here? [chuckles nervously]

Well, your husband posted a selfie of Mr. Armitage.

And we're huge fans

and we were hoping to meet him.

-Jay! -Yeah, but, uh,

now that we're here, it's kind of obvious from the chips

and the literal duffel bag of cash you're holding

that this is an illegal high-stakes poker game.

Oh, it's Miami Beach all over again.

If I were to testify against the others,

do I get to go free or...?

Wh-What? No, please, I'm just a kid.

Now he's just a kid.

-That's convenient. -ISAAC: He's 17.

In my day, he'd be a battle-hardened father of six.

SUE: No one's going to jail.

That's not how this works.

-[sighing] -That said, uh,

-we are gonna have to confiscate the money. -No.

[groaning]

Okay, I think it's back to my original plan.

I'm not selling feet pics!

Mm.

Shame.

You just had to post that Iain Armitage pic right away,

-didn't you? -Okay, in retrospect,

not a great call.

But then again,

-I did get almost 50 likes. -ALBERTA: Uh,

-in what world is 37 almost 50? -Plus,

it was getting late, and a lot of my followers

are New York-based.

I got to get in right at that 8:00 p.m. hour.

They just got home from work, but they haven't gone out yet.

Hey, guys.

Maybe pick up some early London scrollers.

By the way, it's called "Instagram,"

as in "instant."

People don't honor that enough.

Flower, I think we owe you an apology.

ALBERTA: Yeah, we're sorry

-we doubted you. -FLOWER: It's okay.

I'm just glad everything worked out in the end.

HETTY: Yeah, but it didn't work out at all.

The money got taken, they're back to square one,

and they're still in debt with the IRS.

Well, at least we all still get to live together.

Flower, they may have to sell the house.

-Oh. -JAY: Ooh,

two more likes. See, this thing's going viral.

We're not selling the house, Flower.

We'll think of something.

Does Jay sell some feet pics?

Oh, they're not bad. Not bad at all.

I mean, they're not house-savers,

but they might take you out to the movies.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org