Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.

But where are those good old -fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy.

Lucky there's a man who, a community man who, all the things we make us laugh

and cry.

We are family guys.

Wait a minute.

This isn't the Patriots game.

Peter, I told you we're going to church today because we're being honored for

our charity work.

What charity work?

Remember that day I dragged you all here so we could make eight sandwiches for

the homeless?

Well, they're giving us a paper certificate in front of everybody.

I hope the priest who plays basketball is here today.

You made me put on a suit for this? This thing is way too tight. I've been

telling you to buy a new suit for 20 years.

And we're dressed up because this is a big deal for me.

But that maybe teenager, maybe man is wearing his Undertaker sweatshirt.

Oh, and he gets to do iPad time?

Stop squirming. Can you be a normal husband for one day?

Before we begin, I would like to honor one family's outstanding service to the

community. It's not the basketball one. Please put your hands together for the

winners of the third annual Jesus Christ Memorial Award, the Griffins.

I do apologize. Our printer ran out of ink, so this is just a blank piece of

paper.

We would also be delighted if you'd take the First Communion.

But Peter's suit pants had been pushed so far to the edge that one measly wafer

was more than they could take.

Peter!

What a buffoon. She married him?

Next week we won't be here because we're going to Virginia Beach.

It's not that bad.

Let he who has not split his pants in church cast the first stone.

Hey, Stewie, what's going on?

Brian, I've just received an invitation to the toddler social event of the

season. Wow, what is it? It's a nighttime costume party, and it starts

Uber strongly encouraged. I better reserve mine now.

Oh, boy.

Wait a minute.

This isn't the Patriots game. Look, we are shopping for new pants.

I can't believe you showed the entire church your bare ass.

Well, I'm just glad everything is back to normal.

No, it isn't. You didn't even change your pants.

I mean, look at you. You're a mess.

You are lucky we're married, because no other woman would ever find you

attractive. Oh, yeah?

Hey, Peter Griffin, you may recognize me from a certain piece of Rhode Island

legislation called Griffin's Law.

You can't use the bathroom in a steakhouse unless you order something.

Oh, God,

Peter, you are embarrassing yourself.

You're an overweight, middle -aged man who just had to have a priest tape his

ass shut in front of all our friends and family. Do you know how unusual it is

for a priest to tape one of those shut?

How was the party?

All right, I want to tell you, but before I do, do you know the maid's

from I Could Have Danced All Night? No.

All right, well, the point is, I could have danced all night. Well, I'm glad

had fun. Let's get you to bed.

Huh. Something feels different.

Do you... Do you have a little bald spot?

What? No.

It's time for bed, Stewie. Come on.

No. What did you say? I said no. You go to bed, you short, bald bitch.

I can't believe Lois thinks I'm unattractive. Do all women see me this

You know, if you really want to test your desirability, you should set up a

profile on a dating app, you know, like Stumble or Paraplegics.

You're right. I'll just marry a second woman. No, Peter, you won't actually

up with anybody. You just get on the app to see if women match with you. Then

you have proof that you're attractive.

Joe, you're a genius.

Peter, as a married man, surely you shouldn't join a dating app. I'm sorry,

guys, but I have to do this. When you die, you don't think about how much

you had.

You think about how many matches you got.

Chris, come closer.

One of my matches was a Latina. You've said that several times now. She was

the Caribbean.

That's even better. It's okay for you to go now.

Big fat ass.

Does anyone have a pillow?

All right, my profile is all set up. Now the matches roll in.

Proud owner of new pants.

And your only photo is of you arguing over your bill at the Ponderosa

Steakhouse? Who took this?

There were a lot of people with their phones out. It got loud.

I once saw Steven Tyler at the airport.

I guess that's interesting adjacent.

Steven Tyler?

What terminal?

Qantas. Huh.

No kidding, quanta. Jeez, Peter, you're sitting on the Rolls Royce of anecdotes.

Peter, this isn't going to cut it. You need to present a perfectly curated

profile, and we're going to help you. Wow, thanks, guys.

Now, let's go take some photos that suggest you have literally any hobbies

besides drinking.

Hey, listen, do you think I could tell that Steven Tyler story like it's my

It'd really help me out.

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

And right there in the middle of the Qantas terminal is Mr. Ragdoll himself,

Steven Tyler.

Wow, what an amazing sighting. Can I tell that story like it's my own? No.

Hey, Brian. Wait, we literally look like Schwarzenegger and Tevito in Twins. Oh,

my God, this is everything.

Oh, God, life is funny, man. All right, get out of my seat.

So whoever's the tallest just gets to do whatever they want? I mean, I didn't

say it, but it sounds like a good system.

Okay, if that's how you want it.

Whoa, you said that knowing you were taller than me.

Yeah, who's a short, bald bitch now?

You bastard, how'd you do it?

Gardening clogs.

Why, it's funny. The joke is he wears normal shoes.

I don't get it either.

Now, let's cut your bangs and the back of your hair in a very normal way while

sing the Dutch national anthem.

Windmills blowing in the wind and tulips and chocolates are all so good.

All right, Peter, if you can have a profile that can compete with the best

them, first, we need something to show that you're politically active.

Yeah, but these days you can't risk isolating anybody. You need to make a

yet vague political statement. Here, take this sign.

We are us.

What does that mean? Kind of just sounds like nothing.

You think we aren't us?

I guess not. You'll also want to wrap yourself in this American flag.

Are those question marks?

Look who's asking the right questions.

All right, now just kneel down in front of this fire station so the whole thing

seems vaguely related to law enforcement.

Next, we want to show women that you're easygoing and outdoorsy. Let's get a

picture of you holding this surfboard.

Now let's get one in just my swim trunks. I'll simply take off this damp

wetsuit.

Can you guys help me?

Sorry, Peter. Our hands are covered in beet taco aioli.

Out,

Georgie.

Oh, hey, Chris. Are you Slender Man?

What? No. It's me, Stewie.

I think I'll go kill some people in the woods just in case.

Seems like he was going to do that regardless.

Hey, Brian, I have something to show you.

Oh, good. I was just looking for you.

Uncle Sam's stilts on Amazon? Uncle Sam's stilts on Amazon.

Yeah, they get real cheap after President's Day. Well, I'm off to go

myself as a town tall guy.

Yeah, right. More like town small fry.

Oof, major short king energy, Bri.

Hey, how you doing? Beautiful day for it.

Hey! Ah, crap.

Ha! How's the weather down there, pipsqueak?

I don't know, Bruno Mars. How is it not being allowed on roller coasters and

putting out album after album of undeniable hits?

Time out. Time out. I can't breathe.

Hey, boys.

Out for a run?

Oh, hey, yeah.

We were just putting these bad boys to use. We're all about being active.

That's so awesome.

I'm Sydney, and this is Odette. You know, as runway fashion models, it's

find men who are tall enough for us.

Is it just me, or is every guy these days a short, bald bitch?

No way. We were literally just saying that.

Hey, you guys should come out with us tonight. We're going to a club that's

for us to get into, but $45 for you.

Oh, word? Here's our Instagram handles.

We both do sponsor posts, but have few enough followers that it's confusing why

anyone is paying us. See you later.

Brian, do you know what this means?

We get to dance at a club. Oh, yeah, and sex with models.

So dope.

I launched a profile with the pictures we took, and I ain't gotten a single

match. And I've been messaging everyone. Just to reiterate, you are murried.

You're right. I can't give up. Maybe the app just isn't working.

Quagmire, try sending me a test message.

Ah, Peter, it's me.

And the message just said test.

There's not a single woman on here who's even slightly interested in me.

Maybe Lois was right. I am completely undesirable.

She doesn't want me. She doesn't want me. She doesn't want me.

Wait a minute.

Back up to that last one.

Lois has a profile on a dating app? Oh, my God. I have a profile on a dating

app? Oh, boy, Peter. I think all those concussions over the years are starting

to add up. Let me take you to the blue tent.

And Peter is now being helped over to the blue tent. That is not something

anyone wants to see.

Yeah, Peter's had his bell rung a few times. At this point, you'd think

would step in.

And now it looks as if Peter has farted inside the blue tent, and they're going

to let it air out before continuing the evaluation.

I think we're looking at a fart joke, Jim.

Oh, boy, looks like they're taking Peter's pants away. This might be it for

Peter for the night. Sounds like he misjudged that fart joke.

And they're putting... the pants on the cart. They're driving him out of here.

Oh, that's great. You always like to see that.

I can't believe Lois is on a dating app. I don't know what to do, guys.

Well, why don't you just talk to her honestly about it? You know what,

Cleveland? This might be funny to you, but I have a real problem here. Well,

can't confront Lois directly or else she'll know you have a profile on the

too. Why don't you tell Lois that Quagmire saw her on the app?

Yeah, sorry, Joe, but Lois would know that I have an under -30 filter. Kind of

unrealistic. Well, then it seems I'll just have to go convince her to out

herself in my own subtle manner.

And where have you been?

I was at the grocery store. How did you make it dark in here at 3 p .m.? Did you

come home with any dates or...

Eggplants? Look, if you are craving Lebanese food, you have to let me know

before I go to the store.

Let me ask you this.

When you're going number two, which way do you swipe?

Uh, back to France?

Oh, boy. Well, then we have two problems.

What's gotten into you lately?

That's exactly what I want to know about you!

Yo, we doing Lebanese tonight?

I could hike you Rex and Baba Ganoush. Go back to your room. You're done for

day. Deuces!

Dewey, this is a dance club. We can't dance on these things. Relax, Brian.

stand in place and dance with your hands.

So, am I the tallest guy you've ever dated?

No, I used to date Jack.

Oh, cool, cool.

You may not be impressed with what I'm working with.

You know, you can't wear underwear with this dress.

Oh, no. Did you keep the receipt?

Oh, my God, that was amazing.

I'm so glad you just came alive again after that Narcan.

Because you were like, ooh, I'm dead. And then you were like, ah, I'm okay,

let's go.

I mean, if anything, you were more fun after the Narcan.

Aw, you're so sweet.

We had such a good time with you guys tonight. We were wondering if you'd want

to meet up again tomorrow and have some real fun.

Yeah, yeah, we could be down.

Cool.

Stewie, this is amazing. Those girls want to have sex.

Oh, hell yeah. I'm going to have sex like a real grown -up. I can picture it

now.

What's in your sex briefcase?

Oh, all kinds of grown -up sex stuff.

I am so sorry. This never happens.

I gave Lois the perfect chance to come clean about cheating, and she didn't

me anything, which is why I'm resorting to plan B.

Make a fake profile and see if she responds to it.

Derek Bandana?

Peter, who is this?

It's Chris's hot school bus driver.

I gave him 20 bucks to pose for pictures, and based on his reaction, I

could have gone a lot lower.

Rogan, Bourbon, Jim, repeat.

He gets drunk and then works out? All we gotta do now is play the waiting game

until Lois takes the bait.

Oh, she swiped right.

What do I do?

Ask her to dinner. If she says yes, then you know she's cheating and you can

divorce her so she can get remarried to whichever one of your friends she wants.

Oh, my God. Lois is cheating on me.

Damn. Mom will open it up for anybody.

Meg, we said you're done. Get out of Quagmire's house.

Deuces. New catchphrase.

Are you sure we're in the right place?

This is the address they told me. A little public for my taste, but I can

do. Let me just pay the sun -bleached, scratched -out parking meter that I

see at all.

What? I can't... All right, we're either good for two hours or we're gonna get

towed.

Hi, boys!

Before we have some real fun, we like to work up a sweat. And since we know you

two are so active, we want you to do our beach olympic.

Hey, if this is the Olympics, call me Usain Bolt, because Jamaican me crazy.

Okay. Brian, I don't know if this is a good idea. Why don't we just take off

stilts and go home? Are you kidding me? I don't want to go back to being a

short, bald bitch.

I'm about to get laid by a runway model.

Right, right. Being tall, getting laid.

Was it good for you, too?

Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. A -okay over here. Let's do this thing.

Are you sure you don't want to change?

No, I only ever exercise in a black wool duster and pleated gabardine pants.

Awesome. Follow us.

Just race to us, and then we'll head to the beach house to unwind in the hot

tub. It's not our house, but anything that belongs to rich, horny guys also

technically belongs to us.

I don't think I can do this anymore.

Stewie, you have to push through. You know how good hot tub sex is? I gotta

you something I've never told anyone before.

I don't think I know what sex is.

Well, screw it. I'm going, with or without you. I guess that makes me the

guy. You son of a...

Hmm. Hmm.

You are just a baby and a dog on stilts?

You're not also a baby and a dog on stilts, are you?

No, we are not.

Then I guess we are done here.

Stewie, I'm really sorry.

No, no, I get it. You wanted to have sex with those girls.

Hell, I did, too.

It wasn't just that.

Seeing you taller than me made me realize that I'll always be this height.

But soon, I'm going to have to watch you grow up.

I guess I was just worried you'd outgrow me as a friend, too.

Oh, you just don't want to be the short one.

Well, who does?

Oh, Brian, don't worry. You'll always be my best friend.

Check it out. Looks like our dates have already moved on.

Yeah, we could never compete with those muscle guys.

All right, time to catch Lois red -handed.

Well... Well, well.

I bet you weren't expecting to see me here.

Peter, I knew you were Derek Bandana the whole time.

What? How?

You think I wouldn't recognize Chris's bus driver?

Also, I could see your reflection in his sunglasses.

And Chris is behind him in the photo.

And I am behind Chris.

Okay, you might have known I was Derek Bandana, but that doesn't explain why

you're sleeping with guys on that app.

Oh, Peter, that's not why I'm on there.

I've never swiped on anyone.

It's just, it's nice to get attention from men.

I'd never act on it, but it helps my self -esteem.

After all, I'm not getting any younger, and sometimes I start to wonder how

desirable I still am.

That's exactly why I made a profile, too.

I was feeling so lousy after our conversation at the pants store that I

the app to try to prove that women like me.

Oh, Peter, I'm sorry.

I never should have said those things to you.

And I'm sorry for spending thousands of dollars on your credit card to boost my

dating app profile.

You know, maybe we should just compliment each other once in a while,

I don't know. That feels like a lot.

What do you say?

Delete our apps on the count of three?

One, two, three.

Damn it, Peter.

Yes, I'm up.

Thanks for helping me with the dating app, guys. But Lois and I made up, and

everything's back to normal. Glad to hear it. You got it. You guys are never

going to believe this.

Steven Tyler is in the bathroom.

Joe, stealing my Steven Tyler airport story is one thing, but this is just

pathetic. I'm serious.

We're trying to have a conversation here, man.

Hurry,

Steven.

Didn't want to come say hi.

For the last time, I'm not Steven Tyler.

And you really shouldn't be looking under the stall doors like that.

Going incognito. I like it. Hey, what was it like when that firework blasted

your cornea off in 77?

Man, I don't know.

Probably bad.

No kidding.

Steven Tyler in my handicap stall.