Original subtitles

Whoa, what happened to you?

It's not my fault. They put the saloon next to the salon, and I got very

confused.

What's your name, stranger?

They call me Quiet Burp.

Yeah, I've heard about you.

Flush. Oh, yeah?

Know what a flush can't handle?

Four deuces.

Something doesn't smell right about that hand.

Your cards, neither.

You calling me a cheat? I just don't like the feeling I'm getting plucked.

Let's go. Train's leaving the station.

Who's your handler, Burp?

I'm Vivienne, which is a man's name back now.

That's what you're telling yourself?

I'm the man with no name.

I got Buffalo, Burp, and Wild, but what was your name again?

Django Unclaimed.

I know you had those deuces stuffed down your pants, Burp. We can finish this

conversation on a moonless night.

Yeah? And what do you say we finish it now?

I don't get why we're transporting your money in the first place. Why not just

build your own bank?

Don't lecture me on business sense. I made all my money in not sharp enough

saws during the Civil War.

Doled the first batch of blades myself.

Oh, now here's something. Lady hanged for wearing pants.

Good. One less wacko on the streets.

American West uninhabited asterisk. I wonder what the asterisk means.

Would you look at this, kid? In a few days, we'll be striking it rich in the

current West.

Oh, weird.

Does this look vegetarian to you? You know, I never do this, but I'm going to

say something. I think we should be keeping a low profile.

People are still pretty upset.

Look, it was a mutual decision to kick John Wilkes Booth out of our improv

group. Who knew he was going to do that?

I do feel kind of bad, though.

Honestly, I was just glad he finally made an active choice on stage.

Can I just be the first person to say I love seeing this country by train?

Ah, shoot. Hey, Vivian, no biggie here, but did you need that money for

anything?

Hand over the money. They already got us. Oh, perfect.

Well, I'm really glad we stopped for lunch, Jim.

Boy, a $5 ,000 bounty for catching the robber. I'm sure glad I get to form a

posse with you guys.

Hey, how'd you get the name Wild Joe anyway?

I once kissed a woman I wasn't engaged to. Ruined her for every other man.

And I almost entered a ghost pepper challenge.

Gave it a real hard thought.

Hey, look at little Bobby Oppenheimer over there playing with firecrackers.

is there anything more common in these times than a rural Jew?

All right, the bandit's trail leads to Golden Stream. But look sharp, fellas.

get there, we gotta cross through Indian territory.

Look!

Am I speaking with Mrs. Kowalski?

I like their long shirts.

Tell him. I like your long shirts!

Be on the lookout for rattlers, fellas. If you get bit, the only cure is for

someone to suck the poison out.

Is that right?

Hey, I'm just going to go take a wavy leak by those cool sandy bushes.

Letter for Quiet Burp?

That's me.

Oh, cool. Wow.

Without addresses, I spent the past nine years just asking everyone I see.

Oh, it's my letter from Skidmore.

Did you get in? No, it's for someone else. But the guy said quiet. They put

on the overweight list, okay?

Bunch of wise guys. If you need me, I'll be binge -watching the campfire.

Separating those carpetbaggers from their money. Huh. And their Tuck's

pads, too.

Guys, we got a problem. Somebody dip some palm fronds in the creek and stuff

them through the Crescent Moonhole.

All right, the cracks have stopped, so the guy's got to be around here

somewhere.

Hey, you guys see that? I may go in, just as a joke. I may join you, just as

joke.

All right, I'll see you guys inside.

Bye. And to think this horse saved me when someone was going to put me down.

Wouldn't worry over cinching them knots too tight.

Name's Sheriff West.

Okay, I am obsessed with your coat. Will you stop saying that to everyone we

meet? You fellas ain't the first hired guns to blow into my town.

So you got any notions of stirring up trouble, you snuff that lantern out now.

Take a step out of line, next one will be onto the scaffold.

Don't take much to earn tickets to a necktie social.

Do you have these written down somewhere?

Of course, if you prefer, we could just head on down to the Marshalls. They got

just about everything you need, so long as it's from the brand Nautica.

All the envelopes are sealed.

Hey, buddy, is that your schoolhouse teacher?

Schoolhouse? This is Arizona State University.

Yeah? Any idea whose sheets she's hanging?

Her husband died in childbirth. His picture's in that locket. Oh, it's huge.

She likes fat guys.

Well, actually, word is the pictures of the PC was swinging.

I see. Well, maybe we could still be really good friends.

Hey, there.

Name's...

Quiet burp. Nice to meet you. I'm the hair -blowing -in -the -wind school mom,

Lucy Stools.

You know, I'd love to learn more about Golden Stream.

Would you be up for dinner?

Oh, well, it's nice of an armed stranger to wander into an active classroom to

ask me this. How about 6 .30?

Perfect. And, hey, maybe we could go dancing after. I haven't been in

I wish there was a way to dance that didn't involve this.

All right, decent crowd.

Now, let's go through our warm -ups. Say it with me. Cute cowboys come quick.

Cute cowboys come quick. What are we even performing?

Well, if there's one thing freezing grizzled cowboys want to see, it's a

Shakespearean drama.

So I give you Richard III.

Now, during my full frontal scene, I want you to remain calm. Because if I

you getting nervous, then I'll get nervous.

Which scene does he get nude in?

I don't know. It's one of the castle ones, I think. I don't know. Now, come

Let's show these cowboys and Indians what they're fighting for.

Shine out, fair sun, till I have bought a glass, that I may see my shadow as I

pass.

Shoot, we're losing them. Maybe we try a little improv?

Okay, okay. I need a location.

Yellowstone. Occupation.

Yellowstone Rancher.

Can I hear from anyone else, please? Need a little red meat here.

A barrel maker.

Oh, there's some...

Fertile ground, I see why you mentioned it. One barrel, please, sir. Dammit, Dog

Holiday, don't play along with him. We just want to see programs about

Yellowstone. Can be way before right now, sorta near right now, or in the

future. As long as it's a year plus Yellowstone.

Fine, this is Yellowstone 1471.

And in Yellowstone, there's a naked king.

Man, I think I owe John Wilkes Booth an apology for his improv skills.

How do we bomb harder than the minstrel performers?

I can think of only one thing that will save us.

Here's my impression of James A. Garfield.

I am James A. Garfield. I like lasagna and I hate Mondays.

Well, the impression is helped by none of us ever having heard his voice.

I bet he sounds like that, though.

Tonight's special is a souffle and a fillet mignon.

Sorry, these words just got here.

I thought you were the sheriff.

A lot of jobs, not enough people.

I'm trying to avoid gluten.

And I told you I didn't want any trouble.

So were you in the Civil War?

Yeah, I fought for the middle. Couple of days in, I found a two -sided uniform.

Oh, still wearing it. Wow.

Yeah, eventually both sides caught on, so I survived by hiding under a pile of

bodies. For four years, ate nothing but dead butts.

Oh, well, I'm glad you made it out.

Yeah, it was either that or live in Atlanta as a woman. But I'm a different

person now.

I wish I'd experienced more when I was younger. And look at me now, a widow. I

mean, my students don't even respect me. I would have loved having you as a

teacher. You're smart, pretty, and I don't know. Seeing you today, I...

Felt more than I have in a while.

That's funny. I felt the same spark with you, too.

Madeline. From Atlanta?

Uh, no, no. That is no longer my truth.

All we need is a little costume repair. Find our opening. Let's see. Livery

stable. Brothel. Three dry goods stores.

Wait a minute. That's it.

It's the ultimate zag holiday. We'll ride this wave right onto the streets of

Paris. Get your high waters on and start selling.

Can I interest you in checking out our supplies, sir? Picture yourself waking

in the morning and climbing into some cold, wet jeans.

Some wet candies for the kids?

We supply the wettest flour in the West.

Oatmeal ready to eat before it's even opened. Get your Chris Dilley a hair

tonic. Perfect for your stringiest events.

It's peaceful out here, isn't it? The wind, the birds, the thousand Asians

dynamiting a mountain.

You know, usually men don't want anything to do with me. See, my late

and I had eight children, but 12 died at birth.

The mortality rate's 140%. But the truth is, these past two scenes are the most

fun I've had in a while.

Me too, Lucy.

Sorry, I was holding that. I didn't want to crack my saddle.

Y 'all know if this is the way to the saloon, I'm a Pinkerton agent in need of

direction.

And once I find the saloon, I'm going in buns glazing.

Yippee -ki -yay, mister!

I can't believe this. Lucy, you're the train robber? I was sent to bring you

See, you don't understand.

I was only doing it because of the destruction your boss's bone saw brought

the soldiers. The stolen money was redistributed to their families.

Wait, you mean Vivienne's a bad guy? Name one movie where the good guy uses a

cane. I don't... Michael J. Fox documentary.

Who's Michael J. Fox?

You don't know him. But your great -great -great -grandkids are going to

him.

I don't know about you fellas, but I'm pretty beat. Stayed up with a prostitute

last night and got the full service.

What'd she do?

Cried in her lap, mostly.

The chicks will do anything in this town.

What'd you get up to, Django? I rode over and said hi to the other black guy

town. Oh yeah? How's he doing?

Not well.

Well, you've been quiet. We spent all this time hunting for that train robber,

and you haven't helped one bit.

Interesting you say that. Hey, quick update. The school mom's the bad guy,

I'm in love with her and want you guys to be cool with it.

Oh, and we're registered at the Wet Goods store.

We can't let you get married, Quiet.

You promised we were going to have the most epic summer ever.

We still can.

You three will be my groomsmen. Which one of us is the best man?

Oh, it's a friend from a high school posse.

Oh, come on!

That's... Look, I'm sorry. I just... You never forget your first posse, you

know? You told us we were the best posse you ever had.

They say posse's posse, but I can see this one's not as tight as it used to

Okay, well, you know something? I think this posse stinks.

Sorry, Burp. With this 5 ,000, we can live like kings in the most cosmopolitan

city in America, St.

Louis.

So, what do you need to show me? Well, I was drinking from the stream earlier,

and something caught my eye.

Gold panning, of course.

Now, there's going to be temptation to kill each other when we find gold, so

let's agree on a pact. I'll watch your stuff here while you turn your back and

start panning.

Oh, and if you hear a metallic click, it's probably a twig. I'd counsel you

fellers against laying a claim to these parts, or me, I'd head upstream, hell

-bent for leather.

Thank you, man without teeth. We'll bear that in mind. Just saying, there's gold

up in them gnar hills.

Ugh, them, thar. These prospectors and their pronouns, am I right?

Oh, hey, Mr.

Burp.

I can't hear you.

What's that?

Oh, I get it.

You were making fun of my stutter. You sadistic son of a bitch.

Hey, no, no, stop.

But you were making fun of my stutter.

Of course I was. We live in an era where you can make fun of anything. You can

make fun of... And... And even... And you can still call a... So say it all

before they stop you. Before who stops you?

Mostly... We know you're... in there because we already burnt

down two of your previously listed addresses.

But I was born in an orphanage.

Yeah, we found out.

Get ready to draw.

I put the sun in the corner.

Sorry, Quiet. You lit this fuse yourself.

So either walk away or the Undertaker will have a busy afternoon.

Sheriff West, why you helping us? Told you. When it comes to folks in this here

town, I ain't got no tolerance for violence.

Plus, you laid me down a fair tip.

Well, thanks.

Now, come on, Lucy. Let's ride off to the inexplicable music from Butch

and the Sundance Kid.

Thank you.

Ah, great. My eyes are closed.

I don't know why that bothers me, but it does.

Oh, no. They're right on us. Quick, let's head for that canyon.

Hey, you see that newspaper?

The Osage struck oil.

Boy, I hope one day an Italian tells their story.

You know, I'm about fed up with these half -baked schemes of yours. Oh, like

you've hit so many bullseyes.

I said we should do a dog show. A talking dog, and you wanted to jump

hoops. Look out, Buffalo Bill, we got ourselves a first -rate entertainer.

Wilkes Booth would have been on board.

Oh, yeah, he had a lot of high -minded ideas.

But now that you mention it, I'm starting to wonder if we didn't kick the

member out of our improv group. In fact, I bet we could prop up his corpse and

get a more convincing performance right now. You know what? That's it.

Okay, let's just cool off, take a beat. Maybe grab a nap in our long johns that

show the outlines of our packages.

Holy crap, look!

Oh, my God!

After this long john nap, we're going to be rich!

It's all over, quiet.

You should just turn me in.

Quick, Holiday, gather all the glitter you can to the inexplicable music from

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

We did it, Quiet!

You know, for a second there, I thought you were going to turn me in.

Oh, good. Well, I'm sure that'll die right here and never come up again.

End of the line, Burp.

Oh, what? Hey, perfect timing. Look who I found. I know you were on the run.

Ah, I was wondering why this thing kept beeping.

How about a duel? I win, you let us go free.

Why would I agree to that? I'm the one with the aimed gun.

Okay, no, yeah, that makes sense.

Man, that one was really up there.

Undefeated. You're safe now, Lucy. And I, for one, am excited to quit this life

and settle down for good. Me too, Quiet.

With you, I no longer feel like I'm staring at the coals of a dwindling

I have a whole life to live, full of experiences.

Starting with this one.

Oh, Lucy.

Yours is the only party I want to be in.

Look at this, Holiday.

I've also got a lead on a shipment of ostrich feathers.

There'll be no stopping us.

I know. I'm glad we converted the schoolhouse to this.

I love this DJ.

Oh, my darling.

Oh, my darling.

Oh, my darling.

Clam, clam, clam.

Everybody jump now. Clam, clam, clam, clam.

That night, there were 12 ODs and 24 horse -related drunk driving deaths.

Folks forget the real hazard in the frontier laying out in disease or

No, it was mostly the ambisexual nightclubs.

Anyway, that'll be Etta calling.

I'm Wild West, and I was in this episode a lot less than you'd expect.