Original subtitles

THE TOWER.

IS THAT A DILDO?

- Man: CAN YOU FEEL THAT?

YOU BETTER HOLD ON. THIS ONE'S ABOUT TO GET BUMPY.

♪ GIVE ME A HELL, GIVE ME A YEAH ♪

♪ HELL YEAH

♪ STAND UP RIGHT NOW

♪ GIVE ME A HELL, GIVE ME A YEAH ♪

♪ STAND UP RIGHT NOW, RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ GIVE ME A HELL, GIVE ME A YEAH ♪

♪ STAND UP RIGHT NOW.

Radon: WHY? 'CAUSE ONE BOWL A DAY IS NOT GONNA KILL YOU.

HEY. THAT WAS PATHETIC.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS CALL THAT SHIT OUT THERE, HUH?

- UH, WINNING? - NO, THAT'S NOT WINNING. THAT'S HANGING ON BY A PUBE.

HE'S SUCH A WORDSMITH.

LUCKY FOR US, WE HAVE A BYE WEEK COMING UP.

NOW I SUGGEST YOU ALL REFLECT A LITTLE BIT,

THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO BECOME A BETTER FOOTBALL PLAYER.

THAD, IN MY OFFICE NOW!

- UH-OH. - I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S FINALLY HERE.

- THE BYE WEEK PARTY. - WE HAVE A PARTY EVERY WEEK.

NO NO NO, NOT LIKE THIS. NO, THE BYE WEEK PARTY GOES ON FOR DAYS.

YEAH, I MEAN, ASIDE FROM MARDI GRAS,

HOMECOMING, MARATHON MONDAY,

HALLOWEEN, NEW YEARS, ST. PATTY'S DAY AND SPRING BREAK,

IT'S THE ONLY THING I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO ANYMORE.

WHERE THE HELL WAS YOUR HEAD TODAY?

YOU MISSED CALLS. YOU MISSED TACKLES.

YOU ALMOST BLEW THE GAME FOR US.

- I GOT A LOT ON MY MIND, COACH. - LIKE WHAT?

I'M THINKING ABOUT LEAVING B.M.S. A YEAR EARLY TO GO PRO.

OH. WELL, THAT'S A TOUGH CHOICE--

TO STAY WITH THE PEOPLE WHO GROOMED AND NURTURED YOU,

OR TO ABANDON THEM FOR A BUNCH OF SUPERFICIAL MONEY.

I WANNA SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

I LIKE TO KEEP THIS CLOSE TO ME ALL THE TIME.

THAT'S THE DAY YOU NAMED ME CAPTAIN.

IT'S KIND OF EMBARRASSING,

BUT I'VE ALWAYS HAD THIS CRAZY NOTION

THAT BECAUSE YOU LOST YOUR DAD

AND MY SON IS A GRADE-A SHITBIRD--

WELL, I ALWAYS THOUGHT OF YOU

AS THE SON I WISH I HAD.

NOW I DON'T WANT THAT TO INFLUENCE YOUR DECISION AT ALL.

IT WON'T, DAD.

PLEASE DON'T CALL ME DAD.

OOH-OOH! BYE WEEK PARTY!

RADON'S IN THE HOUSE!

I SAID, "OOH-OOH!"

Thad: I CANCELLED THE BYE WEEK PARTY.

- WAIT, WHAT? YOU DID WHAT?

I NEED TIME TO REFLECT ON MY FUTURE--

WHETHER OR NOT TO STAY HERE ANOTHER YEAR AT B.M.S. OR GO PRO?

DUDE, THAT'S AN EASY DECISION, MAN.

GO PRO. MAKE THAT DOUGH. NOW WHERE ARE THE GIRLS?

AGREED. GO. WHY DON'T YOU GO PRO?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

- JUST GET OUT OF HERE. - WHY WOULD YOU CANCEL THE BYE WEEK PARTY?

Sammy: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW MY NAME.

Harmon: VISION QUEST!

YOU NEED TO GO ON AN APACHE VISION QUEST.

IT'S A JOURNEY INTO THE INNER MIND,

A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING.

IT'S HOW I FIGURED OUT WHICH SCHOOL TO GO TO.

I WENT INTO THE WOODS AND FIVE DAYS LATER

A LITTLE SPIDER WITH THE FACE OF JEFF GOLDBLUM SAID,

"GO TO B.M.S."

IT'S A SACRED TRADITION.

HELL, EVEN JESUS WENT ON A VISION QUEST--

40 DAYS IN THE DESERT.

- I DON'T HAVE 40 DAYS. - OF COURSE YOU DON'T.

THAT'S WHAT DRUGS ARE FOR. SOMEBODY GET MY SUITCASE.

ALL RIGHT, NUMBER ONE, MUSHROOMS--

THOSE'LL OPEN THE DOOR PART WAY.

NUMBER TWO, BLACK MATILDA,

OTHERWISE KNOWN AS PEYOTE.

A LITTLE BIT OF THAT AND THAT DOOR WILL SWING WIDE OPEN FOR YOU.

AND THEN...

AYAHUASCA,

A SPECIAL BLEND OF SHRUBS FROM THE VENEZUELAN JUNGLE.

THIS SHIT WON'T JUST OPEN THE DOOR.

IT'LL BLOW THE GODDAMN HINGES OFF.

I ALSO HAD SOME D.M.T. IN HERE,

BUT I MAY HAVE DONE THAT ON THE WEEKEND.

NOW WE CAN JUST MIX UP SOME TURPENTINE--

WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?

WHAT?

THAT WAS ENOUGH DRUGS

TO LAST ALL OF US THE REST OF THE WEEK.

I GOT A LOT TO THINK ABOUT.

OKAY, WE HAVE TO LEAVE.

- I WANNA SEE WHAT HAPPENS. - NO, YOU DON'T.

WE GOTTA LOCK ALL THE DOORS AND THE WINDOWS

AND PACK UP EVERYTHING THAT COULD BE TRACED BACK TO US.

- Alex: REALLY? - Harmon: NOW! COME ON.

I THINK I CAN HANDLE A FEW PLANTS!

I'M OKAY. I'M OKAY.

HELLO?

- ANYONE THERE? - Sammy's voice: SHIT!

SHIT. I'M LATE FOR THE PARTY.

I CANCELED THE PARTY.

NOT THAT PARTY, YOU IDIOT. THE REAL PARTY IN THE WOODS.

- WHO ARE YOU? - I'M THE SPIRIT OF B.M.S.! OOH-OOH!

ARE YOU HERE TO HELP ME MAKE SENSE OF MY LIFE?

I DON'T MAKE SENSE, SON. I MAKE DOLLARS.

IF YOU WANNA MAKE SENSE OF YOUR LIFE, YOU GOTTA GET TO THE TOWER.

- WHAT TOWER? - THE FRIGGIN' TOWER IN THE WOODS.

JESUS! LISTEN, YOU JUST GOTTA GO TO IT, OKAY?

THAT'S ALL I KNOW. YOU'RE GONNA NEED THIS.

OKAY? TAKE IT. TAKE IT EASY. I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

- SEE YOU LATER. - LUBE? WHAT'S THIS FOR?

IS SOMETHING BAD GONNA HAPPEN?

JOHNNY FRIGGIN' QUESTIONS OVER HERE. YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT. TRUST ME, OKAY?

I'VE GOT TO GET TO THE PARTY. I'M LATE.

WAIT. HOW DO I GET TO THE TOWER?

DO I GO THIS WAY?!

HELLO?

HELLO?

I'M LOOKING FOR A TOWER.

RADON? OH, THANK GOD.

THERE'S A CHINESE GUY IN THE WOODS. HE'S BEEN EYEBALLING ME.

SHUT UP AND LISTEN.

RADON THE INCOMPARABLE HAS SPOKEN.

THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO SHOW YOU.

- WHAT IS IT? - JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED

YOUR FUTURE.

Boy #1: GET OUT OF MY WAY, DICK FACE.

Boy #2: NO, YOU GET OUT OF MY WAY, DICK FACE.

NO, YOU GET OUT OF MY WAY, DICK FACE.

NO, YOU GET OUT OF MY WAY, DICK FACE.

BRAD, CHAD,

BOTH OF YOU SHUT YOUR DICK FACES UP!

- DADDY'S WATCHING TV! - Boys: MOM.

KIDS, YOU HEARD YOUR FATHER. SHUT YOUR DICK FACES.

Both the clown and pony were pronounced dead

at the scene. So sad.

In other news, Thad Castle signed a record-breaking deal today

for $10 billion, a pro football record.

It's a good thing he left B.M.S. a year early to go pro.

- Ding.

There's only one thing that can quench my monster thirst,

and that's Thad Cola.

So what's the deal with airplane food?

- It tastes shitty, right?

IT'S GOOD THING YOU LEFT B.M.S. A YEAR EARLY.

OTHERWISE, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN HURT BY THAT TORNADO

THAT WIPED OUT THE ENTIRECAMPUS.

GOD DAMN IT, STACY,

SOMETIMES I WISH I'D BEEN IN THAT TORNADO,

THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU YAPALL DAY!

GET ME ANOTHER THAD.

MARCH, WOMAN!

AND MAKE ME A HAM SANDWICH.

I'M GONNA MARRY STACY KEIBLER?

YEP, BUT YOU HAVE TO GO PRO. IT'S YOUR DESTINY.

THERE'S GONNA BE PEOPLE THAT TRY AND STOP YOU.

DON'T TRUST ANYONE.

HOW DO I KNOW I CAN TRUST YOU?

YOU JUST HAVE TO TRUST ME.

FAIR ENOUGH.

HERE, TAKE THIS WITH YOU.

DON'T OPEN IT. NOW'S NOT THE TIME.

- WHEN THEN? - LISTEN, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

THERE WILL COME A TIME WHEN--

OH, SHIT! THEY HEARD US.

OH, NO, THEY'RE GONNA TRY AND STOP YOU.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - RUN, THAD!

GET TO THE TOWER.

♪ YOUR VISION IS DOMINATED BY A CHEERLEADER'S BREAST ♪

♪ YO, WE'RE NOT GAY, HOMIE, IS YOU HOOKED ON PHONICS? ♪

♪ EVEN IF AT TIMES OUR ACTIONS MAY SEEM HOMOEROTIC ♪

♪ YO, BITCH, IT'S LARRY, WITH SMOOTHER MOVES THAN BARRY SANDERS... ♪

LARRY?

HEY, YOU MADE IT! WOW! WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG, BUDDY?

WELCOME TO THE BEST PARTY EVER.

I CAN'T PARTY. I GOTTA GET TO THE TOWER.

- MOJITO? - MY FAVE.

- WOULD YOU LIKE A MASSAGE? - SHIT, YEAH!

IS THIS WHAT THE LUBE IS FOR?

Both: IT IS NOW.

HEY, GREAT VISION QUEST, MAN. I JUST BANGED THE TOOTH FAIRY

ON A BEARSKIN RUG. YEAH, SHE'S WILD.

- SWEET! - THAD.

HEY, THAD, YOU CAN'T BE HERE, ALL RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, THIS PLACE WILL SWALLOW YOU IN.

YOU GOTTA KEEP GOING ON YOUR QUEST.

- OH, SHIT, MY VISION QUEST! - RIGHT.

YOU'RE NOT ON A QUEST ANYMORE, MR. CASTLE.

YOU'RE HOME.

NO NO NO NO. HE'S GONNA GO PRO.

WHAT IF HE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO GO PRO?

AS IF.

OH, IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

A GREAT COLLEGE ATHLETE TURNS PRO

ONLY TO REALIZE HE JUST CAN'T COMPETE AT THE NEXT LEVEL.

THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN TO HIM.

WELL, WHY RISK IT?

WHEN YOU COULD JUST STAY AT B.M.S.

AND BE A LEGEND.

- A LEGEND? - UH-HUH.

DON'T LISTEN TO HER. DON'T LISTEN TO HER.

A LEGEND. YOU DON'T WANT TO LEAVE US.

IT'S SAFE HERE.

NOW GO TO SLEEP, LITTLE BOY,

AND DREAM ABOUT A WORLD

WITH NO PAIN.

NO PAIN.

LUBE'S GONE.

MUST HAVE BEEN A GOOD NIGHT.

HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN ASLEEP?

WHERE HAS MY LIFE GONE?

I'M OLD. I'VE ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING.

- DON'T GO. - WE'RE SO HAPPY TOGETHER.

GOODBYE, CHEERLEADERS. I'LL VISIT EACH OF YOU IN MY DREAMS

AND DO REALLY AWESOME STUFF TO YOU.

MY 10th BIRTHDAY PARTY.

THESE PRESENTS ARE CRAP.

YOU A-WIPES SHOULD LEARN HOW TO SHOP.

OH, GREAT. A PRESENT FROM GRANDMA.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

YOU DIDN'T MESS IT UP THIS TIME, GRANDMA. I LOVE YOU.

- GOD, I WAS SUCH AN ADORABLE KID. - Man: YOU STILL ARE.

DAD?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, THAD?

THIS FOOTBALL TEAM IS YOUR FAMILY.

BUT IF I GO PRO, I'LL MAKE A BILLION DOLLARS

AND I'LL GET TO BONE STACY KEIBLER.

THAT'S A SOLID ARGUMENT.

I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH.

AND DON'T WORRY. I'VE KEPT OKSANA SAFE.

THAT'S GOOD. A BROTHER MUST TAKE CARE OF HIS SISTER.

OKSANA'S NOT MY SISTER. OKSANA IS MY POCKET PUSSY.

IT USED TO BE YOURS.

WHAT THE HELL IS A POCKET PUSSY?

YOU'RE NOT MY DAD.

GOOD TO SEE YOU, SON.

YOU THINK YOU CAN LEAVE ME?

I MADE YOU.

NOBODY LEAVES ME.

YOU'RE STAYING AT B.M.S. FOREVER.

LARRY, RADON!

QUICK, FOLLOW ME.

DON'T TRUST HIM.

THINK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE, THAD.

Larry: WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME. LET'S GO.

NO, IT'S A TRAP.

Radon: REMEMBER THE BOX.

I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE PUT SOME WHEELS ON THIS THING.

LARRY, YOU TRICKED ME!

I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE. I WANT YOU TO STAY AT B.M.S. WITH ME.

FOREVER.

- WHAT? - YOU'RE ONE OF US, THAD.

- NO! - Larry: YOU'RE ONE OF US.

ONE OF US.

ONE OF US!

OKSANA!

NO, HIS POCKET PUSSY,

THE SOURCE OF ALL HIS POWER!

THE TOWER.

DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY.

IS THAT A DILDO?

SOMEBODY LET ME IN. HELP!

DO I JACK IT OFF?

Man: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

I'M TRYING TO OPEN THE DOOR.

USE THE POCKET PUSSY.

IT'S TOO DRY. IT'S TOO DRY!

SHIT, BRO. I DON'T KNOW.

THE LUBE. THE LUBE.

OH, SHIT, IT'S ALMOST GONE.

OKAY.

COME ON.

THERE HE IS!

COME ON.

Thad: HELLO?

HELLO?

GUYS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I CAME HERE FOR ANSWERS, NOT A DOUCHE BAG CONVENTION.

AND YOU FOUND ANSWERS, THAD.

- THAD? - HELLO, THAD.

OH, MAN.

NOW I'M MORE CONFUSED THAN I WAS BEFORE I STARTED.

Thad #2: ARE YOU, THAD?

LOOK BACK ON YOUR JOURNEY. IN ALL THAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH AND ALL THAT YOU'VE SEEN,

WHAT WAS THE ONLY TRUE MOMENT?

MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.

THAT JERSEY WAS THE GREATEST PRESENT I EVER GOT.

IT MADE ME LOVE MY GRANDMA AGAIN.

B.M.S. IS NOT JUST YOUR HOME OR YOUR FAMILY.

IT'S YOU. IT'S IN YOUR HEART.

IT WAS THERE WHEN YOU WERE 10, IT'S THERE NOW

AND IT'LL BE THERE WHEN YOU'RE 90.

NO ONE CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE.

LISTEN TO YOUR HEART. WHAT IS IT TELLING YOU?

TWO DOORS, TWO FUTURES.

THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

Harmon: THE DRUGS SHOULD HAVE WORN OFF BY NOW.

HE SHOULD BE FINE...

OR VERY VERY DEAD.

- THAD. - HELP ME!

OH SHIT.

GET ME OUT OF HERE.

Thad: AND YOU WERE THERE. AND YOU. AND YOU.

AND YOU.

AND YOU SHOWED ME MY FUTURE FROM A WOODEN BOX,

I HAD MY OWN STAND UP COMEDY SPECIAL.

AND THERE WAS THIS TOWER IN THE WOODS WITH A DILDO FOR A DOORKNOB

AND I TRIED TO OPEN IT WITH MY MOUTH,

BUT THIS CHINESE GUY FROM THE WOODS TOLD ME TO USE MY POCKET PUSSY INSTEAD.

I MET MYSELF ON THE OTHER SIDE.

WOW! AT LEAST ONE OF US GOT TO PARTY. SO WHAT DID YOU DECIDE?

YEAH, MAN. YOU'RE GOING PRO, RIGHT?

YOU'RE STAYING ANOTHER YEAR, RIGHT?

I REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT THIS HARD FROM EVERY SIDE,

BUT ULTIMATELY I REALIZED

- B.M.S. MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME. - Radon: MAN!

BUT THEN I REMEMBERED THAT I GET TO MARRY

STACY KEIBLER IF I GO PRO,

- SO I'M GOING PRO. - YES!

PLUS, LARRY, YOU WERE A HUGE PRICK TO ME

AND SO WERE THE COACHES.

- BUT THAT WAS JUST A DREAM. - WHATEVS.

YOU GUYS ARE ALL JERKS.

GOOD LUCK IN THE TORNADO NEXT YEAR, A-HOLES.

♪ B.M.S., WHERE THE BITCHES ARE SO FINE ♪

♪ AND THE DRUGS, THEY FLOW LIKE WATER ♪

♪ GOT BLUE MOUNTAIN STATE OF MIND ♪

♪ I'M TALKING B.M.S.

♪ WHERE THE BITCHES ARE SO FINE ♪

♪ AND THE DRUGS, THEY FLOW LIKE WATER ♪

♪ GOT BLUE MOUNTAIN STATE OF MIND ♪

♪ COME AND ARREST ME, Y'ALL BE DEPRESSED ♪

♪ I'M THAT CANADIAN THAT SKATE ON 'EM LIKE GRETZKY ♪

♪ B.M.S., JUST LIKE A VISION QUEST EXCEPT YA VISION'S DOMINATED... ♪