Original subtitles

(BOTH MOANlNG)

(BOTH CHUCKLlNG)

MORAN: (CHUCKLlNG) Quick.

(GlRL SCREAMlNG)

Happy marathon Monday!

-What the. . . -What the hell, asshole?

Nice timing.

Dude, it's our first marathon Monday.

l've been outside your door since 4:30. Let's start drinking !

All right.

-You? -l'm leaving.

See ya.

-Wait, no. Stay for a beer! Stay for a beer! -GlRL: l'm not staying.

But give me your number and we can go to that art opening tonight.

-What? -Yeah !

Yeah, yeah, l would. l would, but my phone's busted.

Stop lying !

Just tell her you want to spend time with friends drinking all day today

and you don't have time to be bogged down by chicks.

Just tell her!

No! No, that's not what l'm trying to say at all, no.

l went jogging.

And it fell out of my pocket and landed in this puddle and like fried and. . .

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Must be dry now.

-You're an asshole. -What? l didn't. . .

No, l didn't. . . No idea. . . Give me your number now!

Alex, hey, what's up, man? lt's Sammy.

Listen, why don't you stop being a pussy and open up that beer?

lt's marathon Monday!

(BOTH CHEERlNG)

(PLAYERS GRUNTlNG)

(WHOOPlNG)

Nice run.

-What the hell is that? -lt's champagne.

-Champagne? -Yeah.

-At practice? What, are you crazy? -lt's marathon Monday.

Everybody on campus drinks from sunup to sunup.

You should come out with me and Sammy tonight.

SHlLO: l'll run it by Denise.

MORAN: Oh, yeah, that's a "no."

Oh, did you make a new friend?

l don't know. She keeps looking over here.

-l'll see you in a bit. -All right.

Move right. Move right.

Look the other way! Look the other way! Stop looking.

(BOTH MOANlNG)

l always wanted to do that.

You've never had sex in the coach's office before?

-No. No, not this coach's office. -Okay. l was gonna say. . .

So, what's your name?

-No names. -Even better.

Even better.

COACH DANlELS: Go ahead and start the meeting.

-l got something in my office l got to get. -Shit! Go, go, go, go, go.

-You okay? Yeah. -Yeah.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. God damn it, l was so close.

Hey, Coach !

What the hell are you doing in my office, Moran?

(STUTTERlNG) l'm just admiring the photo.

-Oh, yeah. -Yeah !

That's my ex-wife, Deborah.

Today would have been our 21 st wedding anniversary.

God, l miss those tits.

(SNlCKERS)

l remember our first date. l took her to a strip club.

-Nice place. -Right.

-By the end of the night. . . -We're ready for you, Coach.

Oh, you dropped your bandana.

Thank you.

-You all right? -Oh, my God !

lsn't that great?

-Baby? -DENlSE: Yeah?

-Where's my game film? -lt should be in the pile.

l found it.

(MOANlNG)

Say my name. Say my name.

-Denise! -That's right.

-Denise. -Oh, yeah.

(DENlSE MOANlNG ON TV)

Hey, babe. See anything you like?

(SCREAMS)

You're not a virgin?

l'm a virgin. Yeah, baby, l'm a virgin.

-Virgins don't have sex. -lt was just that one time.

So that was your first time?

He was a scout, for the Patriots.

Oh, so you just decided to videotape your first time.

Denise, l'm gonna give you one chance to come clean with me.

-How many guys have you been with? -Just one. Promise.

Denise.

-Okay. Promise me you're not gonna be mad. -l promise. l won't get mad.

-Nine. -Nine guys!

And five girls.

(EXCLAlMlNG)

Hey! Hey, Craig, you promised me that you would not be mad !

-l'm leaving and l'm taking all my shit! -No! No, please, please, baby. l got confused.

None of this stuff is even mine!

You even burnt my clothes!

And what's up with those stupid-ass curtains?

Baby, please. Baby, just stay.

Why? Huh? So l could suck your boobs?

Hmm? So l could dry-hump you with my sweatpants on?

We can have sex. We can have sex right now.

Come on.

This is over.

(SOBBlNG)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(WHlMPERlNG)

Hey, can l get. . . l'd like a. . . Hey.

-Two. -Right on.

Congratulations.

-Congratulations on what? -Two beers and two shots, please.

Thank you. Here you go.

-That's. . . -You're welcome.

Thank you.

l'm so glad you came out with us, man. You never come out.

-l broke up with Denise today. -No way! That is awesome!

-Alex! -Yeah?

-Yo, Craig broke up with Denise today! -That's fantastic!

-He had a girlfriend in college? -l know, right? Who does that?

Man, we are gonna get so wasted today!

-She was cheating on me, man. -Hey!

Which one of you assholes threw that bottle?

Oh, shit! You know what, man? Total accident.

Let me buy you a beer at the bar.

How about l kick your ass?

-How about l jerk you off? -Sammy, chill, man.

-What did you say to me? -You heard me. l will jerk you off right here!

-You probably want to jerk me off! -l do. That's why l said it.

Now why don't you shut the hell up and pull your pants down

so l can jerk you off?

CROWD: (CHANTlNG) Jerk him off! Jerk him off! Jerk him off!

Jerk him off! Jerk him off! Jerk him off!

-Come on, take it out, you pussy! -You're crazy.

-Yeah, crazy about jerking you off! -What the hell's wrong with you, man?

l read at a fourth-grade level !

-Yeah. -All you guys are crazy.

-(BOTTLE SHATTERlNG) -(ALL CHEERlNG)

BlG GUY: Pussies!

(CROWD CHEERlNG)

-ls he still gone? -Yeah, he's gone.

Yo, that's how you win a fight against a guy way bigger than you.

Let's do shots!

(ALL CHEERlNG)

l did him.

-Did him. -Oh, did her.

Did him.

l did her and her. And move out of the way, and her.

-Did her. -Did him.

Really?

Look at us, having things in common.

All right, give me three good reasons why a girl like you is in the marching band.

-l'll give you four. -Okay.

Free football games every Saturday.

-Right. -Amazing parties.

Hot guys are constantly trying to rescue me.

-Right. -And the irony.

The irony. But isn't band like a lot of practice?

l play the triangle. l practice where to stand.

Shit! Why didn't l think of that?

-Because l'm far smarter than you are? -l don't know about that.

-Four more years of this. -MORAN: Mmm.

What could be better?

-Five more years of this. -Mmm.

At the rate l'm going, five years is almost definite.

-Good for you. Yeah. -Thank you.

l am getting very messed up.

Let's go find a party.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

(SlGHlNG)

We gotta hang out more often, Sammy, man. l mean, this is fun.

Hey, l like having fun.

lf it's not fun, l don't want to do it.

Yeah, and l don't need Denise to have fun.

l mean, l got friends like you for that.

l'm gonna pee and walk. You gotta pee?

l'll try it.

Hey, poop stains, we just had 53 beers.

-How does that sound? -Bam !

Sounds like a lie!

Then how come l got 53 beer bottle caps in my pocket?

You probably picked them up off the ground.

l bet you Craig and l can chug our 40's faster than you two can.

-SHlLO: Oh, yeah. -Oh, yeah?

lt's on.

SAMMY: You guys win !

(WHOOPlNG)

We win ! Those guys are such losers!

l like the way you live, Sammy, man. l mean, you don't give a shit!

lt's the only way to live.

Just stop caring about everyone and everything.

-(BOTTLE SHATTERlNG) -MAN: What the hell?

-Hey, remember that movie. . . -Hey!

-Who threw that bottle? -l don't know. You did.

SHlLO: Hey, he was joking.

(GRUNTS)

You assholes must love marathon Monday. How many boys you feel up today?

-Shut up, kid ! -lgnore him.

-What are you doing? -Relax. You'll see.

Hey, intern, what do you really want to be?

Hey, like if you went to college and had goals and stuff.

-A cop. -Ooh ! Way to reach for the stars, buddy.

-Your parents must be proud. -Dude, stop.

lf l were you, l'd keep my mouth shut.

Sounds like someone's upset they couldn't search for coke in my ass.

Damn it, Sean ! He wanted you to do that.

He was baiting you. He's got witnesses.

Let him go.

You're free to go.

Always go after the rookie, man.

(RAP MUSlC BLARlNG)

MAN 1 : Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

MAN 2: Yeah ! Yeah !

l'm so drunk!

(WHOOPlNG)

MAN 3: Go, go, go, go, go, go!

What are you doing?

(WHOOPlNG)

-Yes! -Fantastic!

-Ooh ! Hello! -What's up, you fellas?

-What's going on? -You almost got arrested !

-Yeah. -What?

That's fantastic!

Hey.

You bang my girlfriend?

Hey.

-You bang my girlfriend? -What's going on here?

We're just partying, man.

No. You pussies are in love.

-SHlLO: Did you bang my girlfriend? -You pussies! That is great!

We're not in love. What are you talking about?

We don't even know each other's names.

l'm gonna go get a drink.

-All right. -Okay.

Did you bang my girlfriend?

(lNDlSTlNCT CHATTERlNG)

Hey, Alex!

-What? -Did you bang my girlfriend?

-No, why? -Who cares, man?

Listen, everybody banged your girlfriend.

Let's get out of here and go do some dancing.

(HlP HOP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

(lNDlSTlNCT CHATTERlNG)

Dude, stop making out with her face already

and take her upstairs and show her your boner.

That's what l do when l'm pretty horny.

Hey, cutie, how's it goin'?

-Pretty good. -Yeah? l'm with the marching band.

Do you want to rescue me? Because l am worth so much more than l know.

l'll rescue you,

if by rescuing you means taking you to boner city and back.

That is the most romantic thing that anyone has ever said to me.

-l have a boner right. . . -Hey!

Hey!

(CHUCKLlNG NERVOUSLY)

One second. Just. . .

-So, what's going on? -l'm trying to sleep with this guy.

Why?

Because he's the dumbest, hottest guy at the party.

Ordinarily l wouldn't care.

But you can't sleep with him. That is off limits.

l don't want to know his name, okay?

What about today? What about us?

Today was great. We should totally do it again sometime. Okay?

So that's it, then?

ls there something else you wanted?

No.

(STUTTERlNG) No, l didn't want anything.

You know what? My name's Alex, by the way.

You're an asshole.

So, are we gonna bone or are we gonna bone?

Maybe later.

Definitely a lesbian.

(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

(WHOOPlNG)

This is what l needed, man ! Finally, some freedom !

Nothing matters! Just do what you feel !

Throwing the bottle is my move. You can't just steal my move.

Dude, you said do what you feel. l was feeling that.

-No, but you didn't. . . -Hey, asshole.

Did you throw that bottle at me?

-l don't think so, man. -l think so. l'm gonna kick your ass.

-How about l jerk you off? -What did you say to me?

l said l'd like to jerk you off!

So what happened? Why didn't it work?

Those big guys can smell bullshit from a mile away.

So if you're gonna say something like that, you gotta mean it.

-What happens if they pull it out? -l've never gotten that far.

But l imagine l'd probably just jerk them off.

l mean, l'm not a fighter, you know. l'm a jerker.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

-Sammy. l need you to come over. . . -MAN: Deborah?

No. Coach?

Oh, shit! Who did l call?

-lt's Alex Moran, Coach. -Shit.

You know, l've done so many things right in my life.

Why is it the one thing l did wrong

is the only thing l can't get past?

-You got a wife? -No, Coach, no. l don't have a wife.

Yeah, well, when you get one, remember,

the best thing you can do for your relationship is stop caring.

The less you care, the better off you're gonna be.

Just let her go.

ANNOUNCER ON PA: Dr Carlson, please pick up the nearest red phone.

Dr. Carlson, please pick up a red phone.

Excuse me. Are you Craig Shilo?

-Yeah, l'm Craig Shilo. -What happened to you?

l got in a fight.

Oh, you poor thing !

lf you want, we could check you out back at our place.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Let's do it!

(HlP HOP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

(SOBBlNG) l don't want to throw up on someone.

l know, l know.

l wanna dance.

Thad, you're embarrassing yourself.

-MORAN: Ah, there it is! -Hello.

-Hi. -Hi.

Go ahead, have sex with him.

Look, l panicked, okay?

But l really like you. And l looked at you

and l just kind of saw the next four years of my life tumble away, you know?

l get it. l get it.

You and l are the same. . . You and l are the same people.

But l'm serious. Just take him into the room and bang him.

You're serious?

We owe it to ourselves to get drunk and laid tonight,

and not by each other, because we've already done that.

-Twice. Yeah. -Yeah.

-lt was great. -So, what are you gonna do?

Ah. l don't know. l mean. . .

-l think l'm gonna be okay. -You sure this is what you want?

No. But it's the best l can do.

Okay.

(MOANlNG)

Let's do this!

-Am l getting laid? -Yeah, if you can find it.

l'm getting. . .

Hey, Larry, l'm getting laid.

-You're my best friend. -Boo-ya!

My name's Jill.

All right, let's get a drink, everybody!

-Hey. Wait, hold on ! -(CHUCKLlNG)

(DlALlNG)

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

Clarence, how much would you pay for a Craig Shilo sex tape?

SAMMY: Yo, buddy!

Oh, he's got beer!

Hey, not too late to have one more beer before 6:00, you know.

Nice, nice, nice.

-Thank you, sir. -You're welcome.

Whoa. What happened to you?

l had sex with two nurses.

-What the hell? -(LAUGHlNG)

l've been trying to get you laid since day one and all it takes is one night out with Sammy?

-Who are you? -l'm not sure, man.

Oh, you'll figure it out. l got a feeling you're just getting started.

-You're damn right l'm just getting started. -l'll toast to that.

-Cheers, fellas. -Yeah.

Happy marathon Monday.

Mmm. What is that?

That's a security golf cart we drove in there last night.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

SAMMY: l got punched in the face, by a cop!