Original subtitles

(POP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

What's up with you tonight, man?

A bunch of girls just walked by you, you didn't say hi to not one of them.

l don't know. l'm just not feeling it.

None of them really stand out, you know?

(BOTH SNARL)

(LAUGHS)

-Some stand out. -Cougar!

SAMMY: Yo. What's up, guys?

Hey, Sammy! Who's this?

My new girlfriend. l met her at the mall yesterday.

l'm Skye. This is Bianca.

MORAN: (CHUCKLES) Great!

-Sammy, can l talk to you for a second? -Sure. Hold on one second, girls.

lt's. . . You need to check this girl's lD.

l can't! She doesn't take her driver's license test until Monday!

-You need to get them out of here. -Really? How old are you girls?

BOTH: Eighteen.

Whoo!

-Hi. -Hi.

l'm Lindsey.

(STUTTERS) l'm Alex.

-Have we met before? -THAD: l love chicks!

(LAUGHS) l love chicks!

Yeah, this really isn't my scene.

-Yeah. -Listen.

l'm heading to a party at the Lacrosse House.

-Would you care to join me? -Yeah.

-You want to go to another party? -Yeah, let's do it.

(SOFT MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Thanks, man.

Wow, this is incredible.

Mmm. lf you think this is incredible, you should see the bedroom upstairs.

l'll see you later.

Mmm.

(SlGHlNG)

(SLOW MUSlC PLAYlNG)

These bedrooms are nice, huh?

Mmm-hmm. l'm gonna give you the full tour.

(CELL PHONE KEYS BEEPlNG)

-Oh, wait. Are you. . . Are you texting? -Uh, don't worry about it.

Just kiss me.

Lindsey, l got your text. What the hell's going on?

l'm making out with a football player.

This is what you get for not proposing to me at the cotillion ball, Duke Wellingham !

(CRYlNG)

Hey, l'm just gonna go.

No.

l think you're exactly where you need to be,

champ.

May we have the password?

Uh. . . What password?

(LAUGHS)

The password for the house.

Oh, l. . . l must've forgotten it.

That's too bad. Because here it makes no difference

if you forgot it or if you never knew it.

Okay. Hold on !

Let me see if l can remember it.

Lacrosse.

"Lacrosse" what?

Lacrosse. . . Bros?

(SlGHlNG)

"Lacrosse bros" what?

Lacrosse bros

rule.

(SCOFFS) Lacrosse bros forever, champ.

(GlGGLlNG)

(THAD CHATTERlNG)

-THAD: What happened to you? -The lacrosse team kicked my ass.

-Did you just say "lacrosse"? -Yeah. l went over there,

and then a girl invited me up to a room

and then this guy Duke showed up, so please. . .

God damn it, Moran ! We are football players.

We don't mingle with lacrosse players. l told you that.

You also say a lot of stupid shit.

-What's the big deal? -The big deal is,

-you broke the truce. -What truce?

(SlGHS)

Since the beginning,

football ruled BMS.

We got the glory, we got the fame

and we got the broads.

But in the early '80s, a new sport came to campus.

A sport called lacrosse.

The lacrosse players weren't as talented as the football players,

but what they lacked in athletic ability,

they made up for with their good looks,

awesome hair and their daddy's money.

ln 1 982, the campus proved too small for both squads and a war erupted.

No one knows the true origins of the war, but whatever the origins,

the war was long and it was brutal.

The war lasted four years,

ending in 1 986 when a truce was finally declared.

For 24 years, football and lacrosse have coexisted

peacefully on this campus

until tonight.

(THUDDlNG)

LACROSSE BOY: Lacrosse rules, douchebags!

(MUFFLED GRUNTlNG)

-MORAN: Craig? -lt's on, bro! lt's on !

Duke Wellingham and those lacrosse pussies don't know who the hell they messed with.

l hate Moran and Shilo as much as everyone else,

but they're still football players,

-and that demands respect! -ALL: Yeah !

Yeah ! And we're gonna put dildos on the lacrosse players' heads!

-ALL: Yeah ! -Two points for Shilo.

-Where's my baby? Are you okay? -l'm right here.

-You can still hold a football, right? -l'm fine, baby.

But those dudes are gonna be mad they ever messed with us!

-ALL: Yeah ! -Three points for Shilo.

No, you will not jeopardize our future.

-No, but, baby, they put a big old. . . -Ends.

l'll handle those lacrosse players. You stay out of it.

Okay. Okay.

l'm so glad l've got you looking out for me, baby.

Negative 6 points for Shilo.

This war is serious business. Those who aren't with us are against us.

And in the end BMS will have either a football team or a lacrosse team,

but it will not have both !

ALL: Yeah !

(DOORBELL RlNGlNG)

Where are they?

-Who? -The lacrosse losers who beat up my Craig.

Oh. The boys are at morning brunch.

l'm Lindsey.

Ugh ! Denise.

Listen, last night was just such drama, but you know boys.

They're always starting something.

Wait a minute. Do you live here?

Oh, yes, but we are planning on moving soon.

We definitely need a bigger foyer.

Would you like a drink?

"Juan Cala de Mercoles moved closer to Susan.

"The scent of her ripe but forbidden fruit

"dancing inside his nostrils."

"Sensing Juan Cala's attraction,

"Susan began to unbutton her blouse

"exposing her milky-white breasts."

(LAUGHS EXClTEDLY)

-l think we should stop there. -Why?

Because my favorite part of these stories is the anticipation.

Well, then let's have lunch, l'll shower, l'll brush my teeth

and then, like, we can continue reading until the end.

Okay. l'm so glad to be your girlfriend, Sammy.

Oh, my God ! Me, too.

Dude, lock all the doors.

-(SOFTLY) Damn ! -Things are getting really, really crazy.

-Hi, Alex. -Seriously?

What? What. . . What is your problem?

-(BANGlNG ON DOOR) -THAD: Open the door, Moran !

-You've been selected for a mission, Moran. -l really don't think that's a good idea.

Bro, that must've been a horrible birthday.

What did you do?

(SCOFFS) l threw that cheap-ass Rolex at mom and told her to get me a Patek

or l was going to Spain for Christmas.

(YELLS)

No!

Help! Help! Somebody!

Moran, get down here.

BOY: Moran, what are you doing up there?

-THAD: Moran, get down here. -This is ridiculous.

l don't know about this. l think this is over the top.

Yeah, you lay a hand on my hair and my dad'll sue your ass.

He's the biggest lawyer in Connecticut, champ.

(CLlCKS TONGUE) Okay, just this once.

No, not my hair, bro. Not my flow. Come on !

No! No. No.

No! No!

(CRYlNG)

You're gonna die!

And the worst thing about Duke is that

l know he's seeing other girls.

l know it.

Of course he does, Lindsey.

He's a laxer.

They're the hottest, richest guys on campus. Well, it comes with the territory.

Wait. Um. . .

You girls are all fine with that?

Well, what other choice do l have?

l mean, Duke's family practically started Connecticut.

-l'm just lucky to know him. -Who cares what his family started?

You girls need to learn to stick up for yourselves.

How do we do that?

(CHUCKLlNG)

(SNlFFlNG)

Hello?

-THAD: Larry, is that you? -Yeah.

Oh ! Thank God !

Larry, those assholes built a mirror maze.

l've been lost inside here for hours.

Hold tight. l'm, uh. . . l'm coming to get you.

THAD: No, Larry, don't come in ! You'll never get out!

LARRY: Thad, where are you?

l'm lost in the mirror maze!

THAD: Damn it, Larry!

(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

BOY: They crapped in our helmets.

Ugh !

Oh.

LACROSSE PLAYER: No, no, no. Please. No, no. (CRYlNG)

(EXPLOSlON)

My car. What. . .

Do something, you idiots!

Do something. No!

Do something !

(LAUGHlNG DlABOLlCALLY)

DUKE: Oh, God, no! (CRYlNG)

That's my baby.

"The door to the chateau closed,

"leaving them alone for the first time.

"Juan Cala de Mercoles quivered as his loins swelled."

"Susan savored Juan Cala's scent

"as she felt the storm begin to rage between her thighs."

Oh, my God !

lt's such a beautiful story.

Blue 38! Hut, hut!

(PLAYERS GRUNTlNG)

(GROANS)

-MORAN: Kicked me in the eye! -Holy shit!

They buried Moran.

How long you been in there? Practice started 1 0 minutes ago.

Oh, Coach, it's kind of hard to say.

Don't worry, Moran. l've got your back. Those lacrosse dicks are dead.

Lacrosse?

You're saying the lacrosse team is responsible for this?

-Yes, Coach. -Wait! Hey, guys,

it's fine. We can just let it go. lt's fine.

They interrupt my practice and they ruined my field.

l don't want this thing to go unpunished. Do you hear me?

-All right, back to practice! Come on ! -Wait, wait, wait! He's encouraging this?

Man, l twisted my ankle!

You got buried in cement.

We've got to put an end to this before somebody gets hurt.

So if there was a truce that was reached before,

there's gotta be a way to do it again.

Oh, my God !

ls that the cougar?

No shit. She was there.

(LAUGHlNG)

Ladies, this

And under no circumstances do you give up that power

until we are married and signed up for half his shit.

(BOTH GASPlNG)

Yeah, that's me. l was so innocent back then.

So, l know this was a long time ago, but do you know how the war ended?

Of course. lt was ended by me. Let me show you something.

"V" for virginity.

SHlLO: Virginity?

For reasons still unknown, during the war,

the lacrosse players found themselves incredibly sexually frustrated.

And l found myself in a position to do something about it.

Only the allure of a virgin would bring peace to both houses.

Okay, so you slept with the entire lacrosse team and the war just went away?

Well, l slept with both teams but, yes, the war went away.

So what does this mean? We have to find a virgin

-who wants to bang the entire lacrosse team? -Well, good luck with that.

(LAUGHS) l don't think there's a virgin left on the entire campus.

Oh, my God ! Wait, l know one.

-Don't even think about it. -What are you talking about?

-Denise. -Mmm. That's not who l had in mind.

"And with that, Juan Cala de Mercoles and Susan held each other tightly

"knowing this could be their last embrace."

(DOOR OPENlNG)

-Alex! -Sammy.

Dude, so much has happened since you've been gone.

(SlGHS)

Dude, what happened to you? Look at this.

-Ow! Yeah. -Oops! Sorry.

A lot, actually, um, which is what l wanted to talk to you about.

-Okay, sure. -l have a favor to ask.

Ask away, man !

Okay, l don't know how to ask this, so l'm just gonna put it out there.

Okay.

l need a virgin who's willing to have sex with the lacrosse team.

Yup. l'm not a virgin, bro.

-You know that. -Right.

And you're not exactly who l was thinking of.

l was thinking more along the lines of, um. . .

l don't know. . . Skye.

Oh, you're good, man !

Oh, my God, you're doing this with the whole straight face.

This face is just like, "Virgin."

No, no, no, Sammy, listen to me for a second, okay?

(STAMMERS) lf we don't do this, we're all gonna die.

l know you've only known her for a few days, you're like that. . .

-And are you wearing boat shoes? -(LAUGHS) You're making fun of my shoes.

Oh, hey!

-What's so funny? -Oh, my God, Alex was just

making a hilarious joke about you. You tell her.

You know what? Forget it. Forget l asked anything.

Mmm-mmm, you have to tell her. lt is hilarious.

Oh ! Please tell me!

Okay.

So, the football team

is in a war with the lacrosse team.

You know, a very destructive, horrible, horrible war.

Oh ! l heard about that. That's really tragic.

Yeah, and don't ask me why,

but they need a virgin to bring peace to the campus.

(SAMMY LAUGHS)

-l'm a virgin. -l thought you might be.

(SlGHS)

SKYE: Two warring houses.

Two lovers forced to sacrifice their love for the greater good.

-Hmm. -Just like Juan Cala de Mercoles and Susan.

-l'll do it. -Great.

Wait, wait. What?

-Okay. -Don't you see, sweetie?

This is all meant to be.

All love ends tragically, just like Juan and Susan.

-This is real? -Yeah.

Are you serious?

Susan would never bang the entire lacrosse team.

She would for Juan.

(CRYlNG) Do you even know Susan?

l don't know why, but this is the only way, Sammy.

l know why. lt's destiny.

There's gotta be another virgin on campus.

-Think about what you just said. -SAMMY: Oh, God !

(CONTlNUES CRYlNG) No! No, l won't think about anything !

(DOOR CLOSlNG)

(SLOW SONG PLAYlNG)

(lNAUDlBLE)

(CRYlNG)

(lNAUDlBLE)

You'll always be my Juan Cala de Mercoles.

Yeah, whatever.