Original subtitles

DENlSE: Almost, baby, l just need one more second.

You know, l've been waiting on this for a long time.

And l know you're not ready to go all the way yet,

but just sucking on your boobs is fine with me.

Okay, open your eyes.

-Surprise! -You're not naked.

lt's a promise ring.

Baby, it was my grandfather's.

And l'm going out of town for a couple of days to visit my sister

and l want you to wear this while we're apart.

-You're going out of town? -Mmm-hmm.

-What about the boobs? -We're so young, baby.

There's plenty of time for sex later. (LAUGHS)

Now help me carry my bags outside, please.

(SAMMY PLAYlNG GUlTAR BADLY)

l really wish l'd learned how to play this thing before l brought it out to the quad.

Why'd you bring that thing out here? You hate guys that do that.

Well, right before l left for school my dad told me l was ugly.

He said, "Girls only like ugly guys, if they're musicians or athletes."

And mascots aren't athletes, so l'd better learn an instrument.

-That's horrible. -lt's not bad.

Oh, my God, Sammy. Check out that girl.

Oh, my gosh, she probably heard me playing the guitar.

Ah, what the hell ! You can have her.

All right.

You want to see the right way to pick up a girl? Check this out.

Good luck.

Hey. So l'm on the football team.

And l was wondering if l could, like, take you out. . .

She doesn't speak English, wax job! Move along.

Then l'll teach her.

She's my half-sister from Bosnia, idiot.

And she's off limits to jock gobblers like you.

Oh, Bosnia! ls that where you're from?

(SlGHlNG) My dad was a war hero in Bosnia. So what?

And he had an affair. So what?

-Leave Alma alone. -Alma?

-Alma! -ALEX: That's your name?

That's a beautiful name.

Why don't l take you out Saturday after the game?

-Saturday! -No!

Yes, Saturday. Here. . . Just put your number in my phone.

-Alma, stop it! -Thad ! (GlGGLES)

(MlMlCKlNG ALMA) Thad.

You're playing a dangerous game, Moran.

You're awfully close.

-Saturday! -Saturday, yeah.

See, Sammy, that's how you. . .

Keep playing.

Holy shit, it worked.

(ALL CHEERlNG)

Okay, this is why we work so hard.

This is why we suffer through two-a-days.

So that on game day,

we look across the field at those pieces of shit,

-and know they have fear in their hearts. -PLAYERS: Yeah !

All right, l've got a game ball here.

222 all-purpose yards, three touchdowns.

Craig Shilo, come on up here.

(CHEERlNG)

(WHOOPlNG)

All right, hey, hey! We all worked hard for this win.

Go out tonight and have a good time.

But remember, we start all over again tomorrow.

(CHEERlNG)

Shit, you're gonna be all over SportsCenter tonight.

Aw, no, man, it was just one game. We still got a long season ahead of us.

You really think l'm gonna be on SportsCenter?

Yeah, of course, man. Do you understand what this means?

What the shit is that?

-lt's a promise ring. -Take it off.

Denise is out of town for the weekend and she gave it to me.

Okay, you're embarrassing yourself, Craig. Please take that off.

lt was her grandfather's.

Okay, fine. Well, you know what this means then, don't you?

What? What does it mean?

lt means we need to throw you a promise bachelor party.

-Oh, hell no, man. l gotta rest up. -Bullshit! Hey, everybody!

Craig just got promise engaged.

And we need to throw him a promise bachelor party tonight!

(ALL CHEERlNG)

(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

-What's up, T? -Good evening, Mr. Castle.

Excuse me.

-'Sup, Lotus? -Hey, sugar.

Chrysler. Lila. Chardonnay.

Looking good, Sable.

Absinthe.

Tolerance.

'Sup, Nutmeg? Oh, yeah, give me one of those.

You're my fave, Trixie!

Grazie, very much.

Three mojitos, por favor

MAN ON PA: Sable to the backroom, for a VIP dance.

This is a bad idea. l shouldn't be doing this!

Yes, you should.

And l know you don't come to strip clubs very much,

so l'm gonna let you in on a couple of tips.

Rule number one, no touching.

Pretend like it's a museum of boobs.

Yeah, a museum where you can go down to the panties for 30 bucks! (LAUGHS)

-Hey, l'm gonna need to borrow 30 bucks. -Oh, man, no problem.

The less money l have in my pocket, the less trouble l can get into.

Thanks, buddy. l owe you one.

You know, dances for football players are half price.

Mmm. l don't know how l let you talk me into this.

l don't know either, but rule number two, don't ever lend Sammy money.

l'm telling you, it always ends bad.

Oh, there she is.

CRAlG: You invited your date to a club full of naked girls?

Yes, 'cause rule number three is never date the strippers.

You don't take the paintings from the museum.

Plus that girl is Thad's sister,

which makes her so much hotter than any stripper.

l'm gonna. . . l'm gonna be back. You're lovely. You're lovely.

Hey! l'm glad you made it.

-lt's Saturday. -Yeah, Saturday. Saturday, yeah.

Let's get you a drink. Want a drink, like vodka or something?

No! No way. Get her out of here.

-Thad. -Thad !

l'm glad you're here because, you know, we needed a chaperone.

Alma, leave this place. lt's degrading toward women.

-The greatest for women? -Degrading.

Yeah, the greatest!

True. Yeah. Yes.

No! We're leaving. And if you so much as look at my sister,

you won't live to regret it.

-March. -No, no, no!

He'll kill you.

Thad, come on, man. l was just talking. . .

(GLASS SHATTERlNG)

Tell your friend if he touches one more waitress

or bartender or bouncer, l'll cut off his balls.

-l don't know him. -Dude, holy shit!

These strippers let you do anything you want.

-What? -l got lockjaw. . .

Oh, that is. . . That is disgusting.

Oh, my God !

-Let's go spend some money. -Okay.

(HlP HOP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

MAN: Oh, my God ! Yeah, l love that.

Oh, my God !

ls the sun rising or setting?

Let's see. lt's a.m.

So it's rising. That's a good sign.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit, where's my ring?

-Oh, shit! Dude, l'm dead. l lost my ring. -Did you trade it for something?

-Shit. -Trade it for something !

Hey! Hey, open up! l left my ring in there!

Wait, this is the best thing that could've happened to you.

You ditch the ring, you ditch the girlfriend.

(EXCLAlMlNG) Open the door! lt's Craig Shilo!

-Yeah, they're gonna open it now. -(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

What's that smell?

lt's perfume,

stale cigarettes. . .

No way. No!

Craig, did you finger a painting?

-No. -l did.

You broke rule number one, didn't you?

-Okay, maybe l did. -Wait, this means the ring could be. . .

No, no.

l think your ring's inside a stripper.

(ALEX AND SAMMY LAUGHlNG)

MAN: Right side, right side. Let's see it.

THAD: Let me ask you something.

-Are you a dog? -No.

Then why you barking up the wrong tree, bro?

You take my sister to a strip club last night

and then have the balls to show up the next day to practice

like you the man? l'm in shock.

So what time does the strip club open tonight?

-6:00! -Ah.

But what if my ring's not there, man?

Denise is coming back in tonight, and if l don't have that ring. . .

l'm really scared.

lt's gonna be fine. Look, we'll go right after practice tonight.

No, no, there's no more "we," all right?

You've helped out enough. l'm doing this alone.

Craig, you're gonna go to a strip club and ask strippers,

if they found your ring inside their vaginas.

l wouldn't miss this for the world, buddy.

ALEX: Hey, hey, hey, there she is. God, she looks amazing.

Leave it alone, man.

-Why? -She is not worth it.

What are you talking about? She's beautiful, smart, sexy.

And the fact that she likes me is eating Thad from the inside out.

l've never met a girl who's been more worth it in my entire life.

Have fun.

(GROANS) l. . . l got a cramp.

-Hey, Alma. -Alex, hello.

So. . .

l'm really sorry about the other night.

What do you say l make it up to you and l take you someplace nice tonight?

-Strip club? -You wanna go to the strip club?

-Da, the strip club! -God, you're perfect.

Alma, no!

Dirty!

-ALMA: Hello! -Hello!

(HlP HOP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

l can't believe you brought that Russian girl. This is embarrassing for me.

-She's Bosnian. -Strip club!

See? Plus we're only gonna be here for a little bit, so don't worry about it.

ALEX: Sammy?

-Alex, hey! You looking for Craig's ring? -Sure are!

Me, too. Let's put it this way, l have not found it yet.

Aw, come on !

Know what? l changed my mind, man.

-l'm just gonna tell Denise the truth. -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't be stupid.

l got you covered.

(METAL DETECTOR BUZZlNG)

-Are you serious? -Let's get this started.

What the hell are you doing?

Sorry.

He probably thought you were somebody else.

-Money! -You better believe it.

(METAL DETECTOR BUZZlNG)

Go ahead, ask her.

-Hi ! -Hi.

l was in here the other night and l lost my ring.

Uh-huh.

And l think maybe l lost it. . .

lnside you !

Very smooth.

Have you tried the lost and found?

The lost and found ! Why didn't we think of that?

We did. l just thought it'd be funnier to watch you ask around.

Awesome!

Well, here it is. . . This week's lost and found.

-Wait, you found all of this this week? -lt's been a light week, believe me.

You wouldn't believe the things we find up there.

-Like up in the VlP section? -No, in our pussies.

Wait, you found all of this inside of you this week?

Yeah. You want some advice, kid?

-Sure. -Tell your girlfriend the truth.

l've seen a lot of relationships over the years ruined

because guys feel the need to lie about what goes on here.

-She's right. -No, no, she's not!

Can l ask you a question about honesty?

Paris, is it? When people ask you what you do for work, what do you tell them?

-l wait tables. -See? We all lie sometimes. lt's totally okay.

l can't go around lying about this for the rest of my life.

Yeah, you can. Just tell her it was stolen.

l'm meeting her at the airport in an hour. And l'm gonna tell her the truth.

Wait, maybe you don't have to. Maybe there's a way to make that lie a reality.

-What lie, man? -What are you talking about?

l'm talking about the $30 Craig gave me last night

is the best money he's ever spent,

because now l owe him one!

-Oh, my God. l'm taking this. -Wait.

MAN ON PA: On our very own center stage, let's give it up for Bosnia!

Where's Alma?

(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

So much for rule number three, huh?

Yeah.

l'm gonna go get Denise from the airport.

Yeah, good luck with that.

(THUDDlNG)

Okay, Sammy. . .

Let's make it look real.

Oh, hey, Dad ! Still think l'm ugly?

Why can't you just say you're proud of me?

Well, maybe you need a little bit of this!

(EXCLAlMlNG)

l can't believe you're not wearing the ring. lf my father wasn't wearing his wedding ring,

my mother would beat his ass with her bare hands.

ln all fairness, baby, it wasn't really a wedding ring.

What do you mean, wasn't? What are you hiding from me, Craig?

-Did you sell that ring? -No, l didn't sell it.

Ugh. And what the hell is this?

Hey, walk away, walk away. Just walk away.

-CRAlG: What? -Hey, Denise, your hair looks great.

Craig, please stop. Just turn around. Don't. . . Just don't. . . Please don't. . .

Don't go in. . .

-Wanna help me with my bags? -ALEX: No.

Our dishes.

Where are my clothes?

-My TV? -l told you not to lend Sammy money.

Oh, my God ! What happened? Did a burglar do this?

l really hope they didn't steal your ring.

-Man, what's wrong with you? -Craig !

Did you crap on the coffee table?

l had to sell it. That's what burglars do.

They mess the place up, they poop to leave their mark.

-l really don't think that's true. -Who's broken into more places, me or you?

Point taken.

ls that your ring?

What's up, T?

Good evening, Mr. Castle. Have a good night.

What's up, Lotus?

-Chrysler. Lila. -Hey.

-Chardonnay. -Hey, babe.

-Looking good, Sable. -Thad.

-Absinthe. -Hi, hon.

-Tolerance. -Hey.

What's up, Nutmeg? Ooh, l'll take one of those.

-You're my fave, Trixie. -TRlXlE: Love ya!

Well, well, well, who's the new girl?

Daddy likey.

Why don't you slide on over here and give poppy a boner?

Yeah. Oh, that didn't take long.

What l mean by that is l got a big boner in my pant. . . Alma?

Thad?

Moran did this to you. He's a dead man.

Thad. No, Thad !

So let me get this straight.

Uh, a burglar broke into our apartment, swallowed your promise ring

and then pooped it out onto our coffee table?

Yeah. l guess so, baby.

-Must have been a hungry burglar. -Yeah.

Or a burglar who likes to go down on the paintings.

-DENlSE: Paintings? -He was just making a joke.

A really bad, horrifying joke.

Craig, you're gonna pick up that ring right now,

you're gonna put it on your finger, and it's never coming off again.

Do you understand me?

l'm sure they need this ring for evidence.

No! No, we don't.

-l'm so sorry. -You're welcome.

Uh, sir? Sir, you can't come in here.

Shut up! l'm a football player.

Show yourself, Moran !

There it is, baby. . . Back on.

-After some pretty disgusting travels. -Now go wash your hands. Yeah.

Okay. And then we're all gonna sit down

and we're gonna get to the bottom of this.

OFFlCER: We have reports of a disturbance in Room 1 07.

-We're on it! -1 07?

That's our room.

You don't mess with a man's family, Moran. Suck it!

Copycatter!

He crapped on the coffee table.

Burglars, man ! l told you ! This is. . .

lt smells just like mine!